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The Stressed Years of Their Lives: Helping Your Kid Survive and Thrive During Their College Years
From two leading child and adolescent mental health experts comes a guide for the parents of every college and college-bound student who want to know what’s normal mental health and behavior, what’s not, and how to intervene before it’s too late. “The title says it all...Chock full of practical tools, resources and the wisdom that comes with years of experience, The Stressed Years of their Lives is destined to become a well-thumbed handbook to help families cope with this modern age of anxiety.” —Brigid Schulte, Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist, author of Overwhelmed and director of the Better Life Lab at New AmericaAll parenting is in preparation for letting go. However, the paradox of parenting is that the more we learn about late adolescent development and risk, the more frightened we become for our children, and the more we want to stay involved in their lives. This becomes particularly necessary, and also particularly challenging, in mid- to late adolescence, the years just before and after students head off to college. These years coincide with the emergence of many mood disorders and other mental health issues.When family psychologist Dr. B. Janet Hibbs's own son came home from college mired in a dangerous depressive spiral, she turned to Dr. Anthony Rostain. Dr. Rostain has a secret he understands the arcane rules governing privacy and parental involvement in students’ mental health care on college campuses, the same rules that sometimes hold parents back from getting good care for their kids. Now, these two doctors have combined their expertise to corral the crucial emotional skills and lessons that every parent and student can learn for a successful launch from home to college.
343 pages, Kindle Edition
Published April 23, 2019
106 people are currently reading
1600 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 50 reviews
June 16, 2019
I felt this title was a little misleading. A little part of this book is dedicated to general college age advice for your average kid that has normal ups and downs in college. However, the vast majority of the book is about dealing with children who have SIGNIFICANT mental health issues such as very severe depression and anxiety,bipolar and are suicidal. This book deals with issues that are so significant a child needs to leave college. If you have a child who has been hospitalized in high school for metal issues this would be a good book to prepare for college. If you are looking for general college age advice for dealing with an typical teen, this isn’t the best book for you.
June 26, 2020
I read this book for work, and I think it's a great, "no BS" view at some of the situations that students may encounter when going off to college. It was a very data-driven take on a really saturated book market (parenting a college student books are a dime a dozen), and I liked the fool-proof and concrete steps that the book took to support parents or families of struggling students - particularly in the areas of mental health and a lack of skills in executive functioning. I'll be recommending this to the families that I work with!
June 11, 2019
A wonderful guide for parents of teenagers going on to college and how to best prepare them for this experience and what to look out for in terms of depression and possible mood disorders. Lots of real life stories with doable solutions. Highly recommend! I thank Netgalley for the opportunity to read and review this book.
July 8, 2019
“Parents can do their kids a favor by making it clear that openness to seeking help is a sign of maturity” (49).
“What we wonder when we read these (high achieving kids’) applications is, ‘who is this Teenager? And why isn’t someone helping him or her slow down a little and focus some of their energy on just enjoying life?’” (48).
“What we look for are indicators the applicant has taken charge of his or her life and has formulated a vision for how they see themselves in the college environment. It’s not enough to have a high GPA or great test scores. They need to be self starters and self-managers.” (35).
“Habitual marijuana use is associated with...an elevenfold increase in the onset of psychosis and schizophrenia” (125).
“What we wonder when we read these (high achieving kids’) applications is, ‘who is this Teenager? And why isn’t someone helping him or her slow down a little and focus some of their energy on just enjoying life?’” (48).
“What we look for are indicators the applicant has taken charge of his or her life and has formulated a vision for how they see themselves in the college environment. It’s not enough to have a high GPA or great test scores. They need to be self starters and self-managers.” (35).
“Habitual marijuana use is associated with...an elevenfold increase in the onset of psychosis and schizophrenia” (125).
July 20, 2021
I just could not finish reading it. Really depressing. It seems like all the kids have a mental breakdown when in college and the best and always first solution is to give them medications and then work on their skills to face problems. It just put me in a panic mode with my child being in college. I could not see anything positive about it.
September 19, 2019
Every parent of a college kid should read this book--preferably before the child starts college. It is sobering, but it might be so important for the student for parents to understand the degree of stress and pressure felt in college. Though a lot of this book is dedicated to acute mental health crises, which a minority will experience, the stress, isolation, and pressure are felt much more commonly. Dr. Hibbs's courageous sharing of her own child's experience drives home that it can happen to anyone. A parent who thinks "never my child" is a danger and a hindrance to healing.
May 3, 2019
As both a professional counselor and a parent, I chose to read this book for advice and resources for myself and my clients. Drs. Hibbs and Rostain have done a great job of compiling helpful information in one place for those of us who need a point of reference to know what stress in normal and natural for college-age kids, and when we need to step in.
April 24, 2019
I have three kids, age 23, 19, and 16. My daughter grew up in the age of social media of MySpace, Gaia online, Tumblr and Maple Story. My sons hit the waves of Minecraft, Youtube, xBox Live, Snapchat and online gaming. One thing that has not changed is how competitive high school and college have become. In fact, it's getting harder and harder to get into college or to keep up with the Jones. The Jones' children seem to achieve unimaginable milestones even before they learned how to walk. On the other hand, our kids are stressed out. Teen suicide rate, Anorexia, anxiety and other mental problems are all on the rise. There's a difference between loving your kids and pushing them too hard. After How to Raise an Adult by Haims, it's nice to see another well- needed book on how to teach your kid to make his own decisions, even with his limited life experience. It is the basic requirement for having a sucessful college life, and later, career and family. More importantly, when and how to let go, as a parent. Highly recommend!!
September 12, 2021
The opening section of The Stressed Years of Their Lives is the most succinct and accurate description of the state of mental health for my current college students that I have come across, and I would highly recommend just that section to anyone who wants to understand what is happening with today's youth: "A young person is truly prepared for college or life only when success is a by-product of life interests, sustained effort, or valued personality traits... not when defined by the ephemeral outcome of grades or likes."
The authors work in college settings and as therapists, and wrote this book to help parents navigate the potential mental health issues they may see emerge during their child's college years. While I agree this topic is highly important, some of the middle sections came across to me as fearmongering, and some of the advice (such as asking your child to show you their social media posts so you can see how they interact with their friends) as crossing privacy boundaries at a time when college students should be equipped to be responsible for their own decisions. Ultimately I'm afraid if a parent is only reading this book right before their child starts college, and hasn't taken the time during the middle and high school years to encourage their student to develop independent skills, there isn't going to be much they can do last minute to help their child develop resiliency, healthy coping mechanisms, or judgment. These lessons are so important, but need to start far earlier.
I do appreciate the emphasis on how therapy can help not only students but parents in navigating these difficult years, and reading this book was a good reminder for me of what the parents who call my office may be going through. I would definitely recommend The Stressed Years of Their Lives for other higher education professionals, even if I do not agree with all of their recommendations or approaches for every situation.
The authors work in college settings and as therapists, and wrote this book to help parents navigate the potential mental health issues they may see emerge during their child's college years. While I agree this topic is highly important, some of the middle sections came across to me as fearmongering, and some of the advice (such as asking your child to show you their social media posts so you can see how they interact with their friends) as crossing privacy boundaries at a time when college students should be equipped to be responsible for their own decisions. Ultimately I'm afraid if a parent is only reading this book right before their child starts college, and hasn't taken the time during the middle and high school years to encourage their student to develop independent skills, there isn't going to be much they can do last minute to help their child develop resiliency, healthy coping mechanisms, or judgment. These lessons are so important, but need to start far earlier.
I do appreciate the emphasis on how therapy can help not only students but parents in navigating these difficult years, and reading this book was a good reminder for me of what the parents who call my office may be going through. I would definitely recommend The Stressed Years of Their Lives for other higher education professionals, even if I do not agree with all of their recommendations or approaches for every situation.
June 10, 2020
I listened to the audio version of "Stressed" and found some sections so relevant and helpful, I bought a used copy and highlighted extensively. As the parent of a recent grad and current college student, I feel like I missed some issues with my first student. I encouraged my now second year to take advantage of counseling services and it improved their transition.
I know this subject is covered by other experts but I especially found the examination of family psychological history, parental divisiveness and the "well-child" syndrome particularly helpful. Although "The Stressed Years of Their Lives" deals with mental illness, any family difficulties are applicable, especially when one member is exhibiting challenging behavior.
This may not be the book for everyone but I found it immensely insightful. One minor criticism, the male reader made it a bit less effective as much of the book referenced the female writer's issues with her son.
I know this subject is covered by other experts but I especially found the examination of family psychological history, parental divisiveness and the "well-child" syndrome particularly helpful. Although "The Stressed Years of Their Lives" deals with mental illness, any family difficulties are applicable, especially when one member is exhibiting challenging behavior.
This may not be the book for everyone but I found it immensely insightful. One minor criticism, the male reader made it a bit less effective as much of the book referenced the female writer's issues with her son.
July 6, 2019
Pros: strongly encourages destigmatizing mental health issues. Some practical info about navigating HIPPA and ferpa with adult children.
Cons: it bothered me that this was coming from UPenn docs - Penn has a notoriously high suicide rate. This was really skimmed over. I couldn't get past that. I was incensed by a statement by the Penn president, saying that they are looking for students who are more than academic achievement, who know how to enjoy life, blah, blah, blah. This is laughable! Put your money where your mouth is, Penn! They are accepting no one but the cream of the crop students! Ok, maybe some wealthy legacy students too. Give me a break.
Cons: it bothered me that this was coming from UPenn docs - Penn has a notoriously high suicide rate. This was really skimmed over. I couldn't get past that. I was incensed by a statement by the Penn president, saying that they are looking for students who are more than academic achievement, who know how to enjoy life, blah, blah, blah. This is laughable! Put your money where your mouth is, Penn! They are accepting no one but the cream of the crop students! Ok, maybe some wealthy legacy students too. Give me a break.
November 10, 2019
The title for this book is not at all a good indication of the content. There is some good information early on about how to ensure your child is emotionally prepared for college, but beyond that, this book is primarily about mental illness in college-age students. Once I realized that I did continue reading it and found the content fairly informative even if it was not written in the most compelling fashion. It took me a while to finish as it was so dry I could only read very small chunks at a time. However, I am probably much more prepared/aware/able to recognize mental health issues as a result of trudging through the book.
June 10, 2019
THE STRESSED YEARS OF THEIR LIVES
“The stressed years, it turns out, can also be the best years of both of your lives”.
“The Stressed Years of their Lives” written by two well-established experts on late adolescent psychiatry and family psychology, wants to guide us and show us the life-management skills that young people need to thrive during the turbulent years of college.
The basic premise of the book is that we, as parents, should not put so much emphasis on their good grades but also, and most importantly, on how capable they are to manage themselves and their emotions as they navigate life far away from us.
In the words of Eric Furda, Dean of Undergraduate Admissions at the University of Pennsylvania: “We see lots of prospective students whose academic credentials are impeccable and whose extracurricular activities are impressive. What we look for are indicators that the applicant has taken charge of his or her life and has formulated a vision for how they see themselves in the college environment. It’s not enough to have a high GPA or great test scores. They need to be self-starters and self-managers.”
I found very interesting the chapter on the 8 key components of social and emotional maturity which are:
Conscientiousness (responsibility for the consequences of your actions)
Self-management (ability to take over the routine tasks of everyday life)
Interpersonal skills (making friends / deal with roommates / find suitable social activities)
Self-control (resisting temptations / setting limits / avoid overeating)
Grit (coping with frustrations, disappointment, failure)
Risk management (having fun without taking too many risks)
Self-acceptance (accept your faults, tolerate mistakes, deal with problems without feelings of guilt or shame)
Open mindset / Help-Seeking (readiness to ask for help when things aren’t going well)
The book is full of stories of young adults who faced mental health problems and concrete steps on how they overcame them. Also, what college resources are available to students and their parents. The authors put a lot of emphasis on making clear to our children not to align their self-worth with achievement and avoid any kind of "destructive perfectionism” that has horrible effects on their mental health.
An invaluable book for parents who are in the life stage of sending their children to college.
“The stressed years, it turns out, can also be the best years of both of your lives”.
“The Stressed Years of their Lives” written by two well-established experts on late adolescent psychiatry and family psychology, wants to guide us and show us the life-management skills that young people need to thrive during the turbulent years of college.
The basic premise of the book is that we, as parents, should not put so much emphasis on their good grades but also, and most importantly, on how capable they are to manage themselves and their emotions as they navigate life far away from us.
In the words of Eric Furda, Dean of Undergraduate Admissions at the University of Pennsylvania: “We see lots of prospective students whose academic credentials are impeccable and whose extracurricular activities are impressive. What we look for are indicators that the applicant has taken charge of his or her life and has formulated a vision for how they see themselves in the college environment. It’s not enough to have a high GPA or great test scores. They need to be self-starters and self-managers.”
I found very interesting the chapter on the 8 key components of social and emotional maturity which are:
Conscientiousness (responsibility for the consequences of your actions)
Self-management (ability to take over the routine tasks of everyday life)
Interpersonal skills (making friends / deal with roommates / find suitable social activities)
Self-control (resisting temptations / setting limits / avoid overeating)
Grit (coping with frustrations, disappointment, failure)
Risk management (having fun without taking too many risks)
Self-acceptance (accept your faults, tolerate mistakes, deal with problems without feelings of guilt or shame)
Open mindset / Help-Seeking (readiness to ask for help when things aren’t going well)
The book is full of stories of young adults who faced mental health problems and concrete steps on how they overcame them. Also, what college resources are available to students and their parents. The authors put a lot of emphasis on making clear to our children not to align their self-worth with achievement and avoid any kind of "destructive perfectionism” that has horrible effects on their mental health.
An invaluable book for parents who are in the life stage of sending their children to college.
January 20, 2019
Having received this book as Goodreads giveaway winner, I was excited to read this work. Written by two unique doctors, "The Stressed Years of Their Lives", is a college guide to beating the stress of school, before it beats your young adult. The book concentrates on College student stress, and resulting crisis' that happen in many lives. The book also notes, that Stress is a common and unforeseeable obstacle to student life quality. This Stress can seem overwhelming to the student, and this book gives excellent examples of how to handle student related crisis. Mental health professionals should always be consulted when serious questions arise concerning student health, and should be consulted.
This book was written for the parents of University students, but is applicable for teachers, professors, students and any concerned friend of the college student of today. Books of this caliber, sort out some of the more complex problems that college students require. This book should be required reading for the parental control group of college students. With common sense explanations, this book is a welcome addition to any Psychologist's library.
This book was written for the parents of University students, but is applicable for teachers, professors, students and any concerned friend of the college student of today. Books of this caliber, sort out some of the more complex problems that college students require. This book should be required reading for the parental control group of college students. With common sense explanations, this book is a welcome addition to any Psychologist's library.
October 6, 2019
My Daughter is a sophomore in college. I wanted to read The Stressed Years of Their Lives to get an insight into the challenges our College-bound students could experience. Written by two child and adolescence mental health experts it is divided into two parts:
*Part One Of Stress and silence
*Part Two – Of Crisis and Recovery
Various topics discussed include; how to prepare for the emotional changes and expectations of college life to how to spot mental health challenges in your child. Anxiety and depression can be the tipping point for students as they have to face constant pressures. I see this happening with my child. I see her buried in homework when she should be out with her friends. She maintains honor roil and works part-time, but she is always worrying about what lies ahead. Just when I think she had settled into things, it’s now time to begin filling out an application for transfer. Another level of stress in itself. This book gave me great insight, and I will plan to refer to it as my Daughter continues her college journey
Thank you Netgalley and St. Martin’s Press for an advanced review copy in exchange for my honest opinion
*Part One Of Stress and silence
*Part Two – Of Crisis and Recovery
Various topics discussed include; how to prepare for the emotional changes and expectations of college life to how to spot mental health challenges in your child. Anxiety and depression can be the tipping point for students as they have to face constant pressures. I see this happening with my child. I see her buried in homework when she should be out with her friends. She maintains honor roil and works part-time, but she is always worrying about what lies ahead. Just when I think she had settled into things, it’s now time to begin filling out an application for transfer. Another level of stress in itself. This book gave me great insight, and I will plan to refer to it as my Daughter continues her college journey
Thank you Netgalley and St. Martin’s Press for an advanced review copy in exchange for my honest opinion
January 14, 2019
This book was received as an ARC from St. Martin's Press in exchange for an honest review. Opinions and thoughts expressed in this review are completely my own.
Anxiety is a topic that is in high demand at our library especially for those as parents with kids entering college. The studies and research found in this book is very insightful and potentially helpful advice and information for our patrons that are parents of students. As a former patient dealing with anxiety, it was easy to relate to some of the scenarios and research examined in this book so that made it more engaging and interesting. One way or another even if you are not a parent or a former patient suffering from anxiety, this book will potentially be beneficial.
We will consider adding this book to our Non-Fiction collection at our library. That is why we give this book 5 stars.
Anxiety is a topic that is in high demand at our library especially for those as parents with kids entering college. The studies and research found in this book is very insightful and potentially helpful advice and information for our patrons that are parents of students. As a former patient dealing with anxiety, it was easy to relate to some of the scenarios and research examined in this book so that made it more engaging and interesting. One way or another even if you are not a parent or a former patient suffering from anxiety, this book will potentially be beneficial.
We will consider adding this book to our Non-Fiction collection at our library. That is why we give this book 5 stars.
June 18, 2019
While not exactly the target audience, I found Hibbs and Rostain approachable guides to the issues facing college students, families, and providers. The book provides case studies to illustrate challenges and the complex system of awareness, diagnosis, and treatment that young adults navigate.
The book also provides context as to why these levels might be shifting. Rather than pinning the issues on a “soft” or “coddled” millennial/Gen Z character, it notes the shifts in issues including financial insecurity, student debt load, and an increasingly fraught labor market as environmental stressors affecting young people today.
The book also provides context as to why these levels might be shifting. Rather than pinning the issues on a “soft” or “coddled” millennial/Gen Z character, it notes the shifts in issues including financial insecurity, student debt load, and an increasingly fraught labor market as environmental stressors affecting young people today.
June 18, 2019
After listening to the authors share about this book on Fresh Air (https://www.npr.org/sections/health-s...) I thought this would be a great read for anyone working in higher education -- not just parents. I was right. This is for aunts, uncles, cousins, professors, academic staff, student affairs professionals and all who support postsecondary learners. Helpful read to understand the issues of mental health at college/university institutions and how they might be supported before and during their college years.
January 17, 2019
Our family is facing the exciting prospect of sending a youngster off to college next year and another the following year. It is an emotional and frightening time for all of us and we need any the help we can get. Times have changed since we went to college and this book provides some very valuable information and help on the challenges of today's collegiate world. I suspect we will be turning to it often in the upcoming years.
I won a copy of this book in a Goodreads giveaway for this honest review.
I won a copy of this book in a Goodreads giveaway for this honest review.
June 3, 2020
The Stressed Years of Their Lives provides a guidebook for addressing challenges during the college years. It describes common issues, such as mental health, which may hinder a young adult's college experience and then shares how to address the issues before relaunching in the world. While not the most exciting read, it does provide useful information for the parents of college students. Read if you: have or will have a college student, worry about mental health issues, are interested in psychology or psychiatry
December 4, 2021
Although much of the book is devoted to students with significant mental health issues who need to take a leave of absence from school, there is still enough here about the stress and anxiety experienced day to day in our colleges to make it worthwhile reading for any parent of a college student and particularly those in a demanding elite environment. And this was written pre-covid! A whole new perspective addressing the current stress, anxiety and particularly isolation experienced by college students over the past two years is much needed.
October 3, 2023
I found this book to be eye opening, it truly changed how I respond in relationship with my children. I wish I got this book where they were in middle school to prepare myself better for what to come and how to navigate through those difficult years. I still find great value in this book, it helped to reset and relate in a different manner. I feel adolescence to adulthood transition will continue post college, therefore it is not too late to read this book to make sense and have the right conversations in support of their journey, and focus in improving your relationship post-teen years.
July 24, 2019
I heard the authors on NPR and have a daughter who just finished her first year of college. It was a surprise and stressful for my wife and I when she was struggling with anxiety and the pressure of being successful. This book has been a blessing to help understand and normalize her needs (and where to access help and support). I feel a must read for families. Many thanks to the authors for their work!
July 3, 2025
I think a lot of this book was very obvious to me. But I understand that I am not the target audience. I think this book could be useful for a parent with limited knowledge about what college is like in the US today (whether they didn't have an experience with it themselves, went to college a long time ago, or immigrated from elsewhere, etc.). I also think this book would be useful for parents who want to learn how to support their child through a mental health crisis.
May 8, 2019
Good starting Guide for parents who have teenagers, not just those who want to go to college. Some points were really interesting however I felt like most scenarios in the chapters were resolved really easily & quickly so may be setting parents up for thinking that all problems can be resolved that way.
It felt like a long read and may not be suitable for more chronic mental health sufferers.
It felt like a long read and may not be suitable for more chronic mental health sufferers.
September 18, 2019
The material is fascinating as we sometimes forget how fragile young people really are despite their insistence that they are adults. It's a sobering look at the pitfalls that young people find themselves with the pressures of family, school, and social norms. It's a great book for students, but I fear most would not take the time to read or even be able to digest the amount of information.
May 1, 2021
I did not realize this book would be purely focused on students who have a history of mental illness prior to going to college. That being said, if you do have a child who is already in therapy, on medication, etc., I would say this is a must read before sending them off to college. If not, it still offers valuable insights for everyone.
August 6, 2024
Recommended to me by a school psychologist, this book is in serious need of updating. I thought it was going to help us manage expectations and help our kids with stress, but it’s really a book on how to deal with extreme mental health issues for college students. Not what I was looking for. I pray it’s a book I won’t need in the future either.
December 20, 2018
I won this book in the goodreads giveaway! This book is the perfect therapist for getting your kid or someone you know or love through college. B. Janet Hibbs provides wonderful advice and is very knowledgeable about the possible obstacles and realistic solutions.
May 12, 2019
The book The Stressed Years of their Lives highlights many of the struggles that older teens are experiencing while also navigating the critical years of decision making for college and beyond. As a parent of a college aged teen, this book was helpful in amny ways. It highlighted the national problems that exist for the children (yes, they are still children) who are launching into the college years, and what struggles may be presented along the way. These struggles include the usual - time management, drugs and alcohol, study habits - but also anxiety, depression, adjustment delays, how to make a plan for success, crisis care, and adjusting to the possibility of a "boomerang" back home with the hope of a relaunch - and more.
The book is broken down into two parts - Part One: Of Stress and Resilience and Part Two: Of Crisis and Recovery.
I learned that most mental health disorders present themselves during the ages of 14-26 which is already the most tumultuous decade in a person's life. We read so many parenting books when the children are infants and toddlers, but when it comes to this age group of raising young adults, we need to immerse ourselves in more books that show us how to best accompany our college aged children along their journey to adulthood.
This book was enlightening and helpful and I will continue to use it as a reference for the years to come with the college aged child, as well as the siblings who will soon follow.
The book is broken down into two parts - Part One: Of Stress and Resilience and Part Two: Of Crisis and Recovery.
I learned that most mental health disorders present themselves during the ages of 14-26 which is already the most tumultuous decade in a person's life. We read so many parenting books when the children are infants and toddlers, but when it comes to this age group of raising young adults, we need to immerse ourselves in more books that show us how to best accompany our college aged children along their journey to adulthood.
This book was enlightening and helpful and I will continue to use it as a reference for the years to come with the college aged child, as well as the siblings who will soon follow.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 50 reviews