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Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex
Parenting is difficult enough in a family where the two parents love and respect each other. In divorce, where the respect has diminished and the love has often turned into intense dislike, co-parenting cane drive on or both parents to the brink of insanity. Joint Custody with a Jerk offers many proven communication techniques that will help you deal with your difficult ex-husband or ex-wife by describing examples of common problems and teaching you to examine your role in these sticky situations. These strategies for effective mediation are easy to apply, down-to-earth, and innovative.
256 pages, Paperback
First published February 15, 1996
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 43 reviews
January 15, 2010
First off, this book has the BEST title! What more topical and feeling title could you have if you are trying to share custody of your child or children with an uncooperative jerk? Especially since usually both sides feel the same way?
I was first attracted to this book by the title, because it shows some understanding of the situation--sucky and frustrating. However, unlike the other three books about divorce & dealing with it, and expanding your family, and blah blah blah, this book gives very concrete, helpful advice. Advice you can implement and use immediately.
For example, if you have a high conflict interaction with your child's other parent, this book shows how to highly structure communication to minimize the conflict. This is especially brilliant since many conflict situations are due to differences in style; and taking this business-like approach can minimize that problem.
This book also helps you to identify which problems belong to you (with the "problem pyramid," and which belong to your child, or your child's other parent, and gives ways to move forward--which do not take on problems which are not yours. In short, good boundaries, which can be difficult to establish if you've been ensconced in a relationship, living together, for years.
The authors' philosophy and approach are similar to KidsTurn (www.kidsturn.org), which I highly recommend as well. Both involve changing your approach to the other parent, taking responsibility for your actions, and concrete tools to assist in dealing with being in this situation of divorce.
I was first attracted to this book by the title, because it shows some understanding of the situation--sucky and frustrating. However, unlike the other three books about divorce & dealing with it, and expanding your family, and blah blah blah, this book gives very concrete, helpful advice. Advice you can implement and use immediately.
For example, if you have a high conflict interaction with your child's other parent, this book shows how to highly structure communication to minimize the conflict. This is especially brilliant since many conflict situations are due to differences in style; and taking this business-like approach can minimize that problem.
This book also helps you to identify which problems belong to you (with the "problem pyramid," and which belong to your child, or your child's other parent, and gives ways to move forward--which do not take on problems which are not yours. In short, good boundaries, which can be difficult to establish if you've been ensconced in a relationship, living together, for years.
The authors' philosophy and approach are similar to KidsTurn (www.kidsturn.org), which I highly recommend as well. Both involve changing your approach to the other parent, taking responsibility for your actions, and concrete tools to assist in dealing with being in this situation of divorce.
June 21, 2011
At the end of this book, the author uses the quote: "Pain is unavoidable. Suffering is optional." How true. The pain of the divorce and the pain of your former significant other acting like an 8 year old is unavoidable, but you don’t have to suffer through it. Ross establishes what she calls a “Problem Pyramid”. Sometimes you have the problem, sometimes your ex has a problem, and sometimes your child is the one with the problem. She walks you through many scenarios and gives you tools to deal with difficult people (your ex) and the problems that are frequently encountered when separate households are established.
I’ve read reviews of this book on Amazon where the reviewer didn’t read the book – they just gave it one star because of the title. Don’t let the title influence you. It’s not a male bashing book. In fact, I’d bet that the scenarios that Ross gives are an even split between moms and dads being jerks. I would recommend this to anyone that has gone through a divorce and I think people should read it as close to their divorce as possible – even if their ex isn’t a jerk. The book has great communication and problem solving tools in it.
I’ve read reviews of this book on Amazon where the reviewer didn’t read the book – they just gave it one star because of the title. Don’t let the title influence you. It’s not a male bashing book. In fact, I’d bet that the scenarios that Ross gives are an even split between moms and dads being jerks. I would recommend this to anyone that has gone through a divorce and I think people should read it as close to their divorce as possible – even if their ex isn’t a jerk. The book has great communication and problem solving tools in it.
May 14, 2014
Like many self-help guides this one is a mixed batch. Why? Well it is a matter of pick and choose from the advice which has been offered. In an issue as complex and emotional as a divorce, there are many different scenarios and variables and no silver bullet approach to how to live with and handle the death of an affair. Some of the advice and words of wisdom will certainly help some who find themselves in a difficult position or may simply offer a new perspective for evaluating new approaches. The thing to do is to read this with a grain of salt and try and adapt what works best for your given situation, and simply toss the rest.
Our lives as single individuals are already very complex, when you consider the ramifications of a relationship and all its multiple facets and opportunities for conflict you realize how difficult it is to try and provide a road map to success in what is ultimately a lack of success. Divorce does not necessarily equate with failure, it is recognizing that you have found yourself in an untenable situation and you need to extricate yourself in order to survive.
While there are some good bits of advice I would caution the reader to adapt them according to their own needs and requirements. What I did not care for in the book was the authoritarian attitude of the authors which could have been quite easily toned down with a sense of greater humility. A do this /don't do that and right versus wrong approach often unsettles me. I prefer a more suggestive approach since we are literally treading in an emotional minefield when speaking about divorce.
Our lives as single individuals are already very complex, when you consider the ramifications of a relationship and all its multiple facets and opportunities for conflict you realize how difficult it is to try and provide a road map to success in what is ultimately a lack of success. Divorce does not necessarily equate with failure, it is recognizing that you have found yourself in an untenable situation and you need to extricate yourself in order to survive.
While there are some good bits of advice I would caution the reader to adapt them according to their own needs and requirements. What I did not care for in the book was the authoritarian attitude of the authors which could have been quite easily toned down with a sense of greater humility. A do this /don't do that and right versus wrong approach often unsettles me. I prefer a more suggestive approach since we are literally treading in an emotional minefield when speaking about divorce.
March 30, 2011
Yup, there are a lot of jerks (and jerkettes) out there. What I learned from this book was something akin to the Serenity Prayer (God grant me the serenity....). You can't change a jerk. You have to accept that some things will never change. And you have to learn to disengage. Easier said than done, but I felt this was a pretty helpful framework! My child is getting older so I rarely have to deal with my jerk, but I keep the book handy for a refresher every now and then!
June 27, 2015
I read this book before I realized I was dealing with a narcissistic abuser and it made everything a little easier. I was getting so upset over things that weren't my problem. If you have to share your children with a difficult personality get this book and read it often as a reminder.
March 5, 2015
this book was ok but it kind of assumes that on some level the other parent is reasonable and rational which isn't the case in our situation...
June 3, 2024
This book is a lifesaver for anyone dealing with the challenges of co-parenting with a difficult ex. This book is packed with practical advice and strategies that are easy to understand and implement. From the start, it emphasizes the importance of focusing on the well-being of your children and maintaining a business-like approach to interactions with your ex.
The authors do a fantastic job of breaking down complex topics into manageable pieces. They cover everything from setting healthy boundaries and handling conflicts to managing financial issues and integrating new relationships. The tips for establishing clear, consistent boundaries and effective communication are especially valuable, as they set the foundation for a smoother co-parenting relationship.
One of the standout aspects of the book is its focus on protecting your child's emotional and physical well-being. It provides clear signs to watch for if the conflict is affecting your children and offers ways to support them emotionally. The sections on legal considerations and financial issues are also incredibly useful, offering practical advice on navigating custody agreements and managing shared expenses.
Self-care is another critical topic that the authors tackle head-on. They stress the importance of taking care of yourself and building a support network to help manage the stress of co-parenting. This emphasis on self-care is crucial for maintaining your own mental health and being the best parent you can be.
The book also delves into the complexities of new romantic relationships and stepparenting, providing insightful guidance on how to handle these changes while ensuring your children feel secure and supported. For those dealing with long-distance co-parenting, the book offers practical strategies for maintaining strong parent-child relationships using technology and effective planning.
One of the most valuable sections is the advice on dealing with a highly toxic or abusive ex-partner. The authors provide essential legal and psychological strategies to protect yourself and your children, along with the importance of seeking professional help when needed.
Overall, "Joint Custody with a Jerk" is an excellent resource for anyone facing the complexities of joint custody with a difficult ex. It balances empathy with practicality, providing the tools and insights needed to prioritize your children's well-being while maintaining your own sanity. This book is a must-read for anyone navigating the challenges of co-parenting. While it doesn't solve every problem, it certainly makes the journey a lot more manageable. Highly recommended!
The authors do a fantastic job of breaking down complex topics into manageable pieces. They cover everything from setting healthy boundaries and handling conflicts to managing financial issues and integrating new relationships. The tips for establishing clear, consistent boundaries and effective communication are especially valuable, as they set the foundation for a smoother co-parenting relationship.
One of the standout aspects of the book is its focus on protecting your child's emotional and physical well-being. It provides clear signs to watch for if the conflict is affecting your children and offers ways to support them emotionally. The sections on legal considerations and financial issues are also incredibly useful, offering practical advice on navigating custody agreements and managing shared expenses.
Self-care is another critical topic that the authors tackle head-on. They stress the importance of taking care of yourself and building a support network to help manage the stress of co-parenting. This emphasis on self-care is crucial for maintaining your own mental health and being the best parent you can be.
The book also delves into the complexities of new romantic relationships and stepparenting, providing insightful guidance on how to handle these changes while ensuring your children feel secure and supported. For those dealing with long-distance co-parenting, the book offers practical strategies for maintaining strong parent-child relationships using technology and effective planning.
One of the most valuable sections is the advice on dealing with a highly toxic or abusive ex-partner. The authors provide essential legal and psychological strategies to protect yourself and your children, along with the importance of seeking professional help when needed.
Overall, "Joint Custody with a Jerk" is an excellent resource for anyone facing the complexities of joint custody with a difficult ex. It balances empathy with practicality, providing the tools and insights needed to prioritize your children's well-being while maintaining your own sanity. This book is a must-read for anyone navigating the challenges of co-parenting. While it doesn't solve every problem, it certainly makes the journey a lot more manageable. Highly recommended!
December 28, 2020
I actually looked at the 2 star reviews to see what people didn't like, since I think it's a solid and clear book. I would recommend it to people going through divorce. The examples are typical and knotty. The most eye opening part to me is the concept of the Problem Pyramid and learning to identify whose responsibility it is to address the issue: yours, your child's, or your spouse (when your spouse cannot be relied upon to do what you want). The book does a good job of the tricky situations that come up during an emotional and difficult time.
(Though I admit the particular example of "if they don't show up on time, let them know they can pay the babysitter when they get there" stuck in my craw. The odds of working it out so they end up paying the babysitter when they won't pay bigger bills you are bickering about is close to nil. At least the book did suggest examples like taking your child with you, dropping the child off at your ex's sister, getting alternative childcare, leaving a note on the door where the child is so they can get the child when they show up. But the persistent use of "and they'll pay the babysitter" when they darn well won't did irk me. Other than a few things like that, great book. Overall concepts very substantive, concrete, sensible--things people aren't when they are in the middle of fighting with their jerk ex.)
(Though I admit the particular example of "if they don't show up on time, let them know they can pay the babysitter when they get there" stuck in my craw. The odds of working it out so they end up paying the babysitter when they won't pay bigger bills you are bickering about is close to nil. At least the book did suggest examples like taking your child with you, dropping the child off at your ex's sister, getting alternative childcare, leaving a note on the door where the child is so they can get the child when they show up. But the persistent use of "and they'll pay the babysitter" when they darn well won't did irk me. Other than a few things like that, great book. Overall concepts very substantive, concrete, sensible--things people aren't when they are in the middle of fighting with their jerk ex.)
November 6, 2020
11/6/20
September 18, 2018
It was a helpful to an extend. I tried to approach my ex husband with the methods mentioned in the book and I ended up just as frustrated as usual. Some men do not respond to anything other then threats and that's because that's what they do. When I use a well thought through approach and kindness/ none aggressive I statements he took it as an invitation to attempt to walk all over me which then leads me to stop talking to him without accomplishing anything so maybe there should be a section in this book that helps with the none curable cases... You know, the ones that know everything, think the world revolves around them and brainwashed their children into believing that the other parent deserves to be disrespected and talked down to because they "broke" the family. I have learned to be less sarcastic and punny so I will take that away from the book but still have no idea how to get my ex to understand that co-parenting is not about who wins and who loses or our unfulfilled needs but what's best for the children and that at 6 years of age they do not know what's best for them. So I am still at a loss but that is just me, I hope. Other then that it was a good and easy read.
October 9, 2014
What this book really offers is a solid compilation of parenting advice for divorced parents, focusing on amending the parent's own worries and troubles through better, more civilized interactions with their co-parent.
My divorce experience is probably a lot like your own, whoever you are. I'm recovering most days, but then something comes along that sets me right back to that moment when my spouse's betrayal was more than I ever thought I could handle. I get angry and frustrated and overwhelmed and scared. Then, I start turning into someone I know in my heart I do not want to be. This book will help you, if this describes you, to start ignoring what you have no control over and only focus on the stuff you can change. (Which is mostly YOU.)
The authors (not psychologists, by the way, but still savvy ladies) have done a great service by writing this book, and by updating it to include internet etiquette and the troubles of social media and texting in a divorced relationship.
My divorce experience is probably a lot like your own, whoever you are. I'm recovering most days, but then something comes along that sets me right back to that moment when my spouse's betrayal was more than I ever thought I could handle. I get angry and frustrated and overwhelmed and scared. Then, I start turning into someone I know in my heart I do not want to be. This book will help you, if this describes you, to start ignoring what you have no control over and only focus on the stuff you can change. (Which is mostly YOU.)
The authors (not psychologists, by the way, but still savvy ladies) have done a great service by writing this book, and by updating it to include internet etiquette and the troubles of social media and texting in a divorced relationship.
November 11, 2022
A hilarious title that offers some really fantastic advice and communication techniques and I HIGHLY recommend it.
I will admit, I originally bought this book to passive aggressively leave out on the coffee table when my ex was supposed to be stopping by for visitation. When he didn't show up on time (as usual) I got bored and started actually reading it to pass the time. Imagine my shock when I not only enjoyed reading it, but was able to almost immediately start applying the techniques it described to permanently change the dynamic of my co-parenting situation!
I'm not exaggerating when I say this book changed my life and reduced so much stress when it came to dealing with custody and communication with my ex. It basically taught me how to reclaim my own power, in a calm, collected way that completely took the wind out of his proverbial sails.
I will admit, I originally bought this book to passive aggressively leave out on the coffee table when my ex was supposed to be stopping by for visitation. When he didn't show up on time (as usual) I got bored and started actually reading it to pass the time. Imagine my shock when I not only enjoyed reading it, but was able to almost immediately start applying the techniques it described to permanently change the dynamic of my co-parenting situation!
I'm not exaggerating when I say this book changed my life and reduced so much stress when it came to dealing with custody and communication with my ex. It basically taught me how to reclaim my own power, in a calm, collected way that completely took the wind out of his proverbial sails.
January 24, 2016
Despite the book title, it should be clear that calling the other parent a "jerk" is never appropriate in front of the child. That being said, I truly needed this book to be written. It gave powerful insights into how to deal with juvenile behavior (name-calling, attention games, anger/violence) from the ex and how to help ease the transition between parents' homes so that the real focus could be spent on helping (not harming) the children. I would recommend this book to anyone who unwittingly finds themselves co-parenting with someone who lacks the ability to treat their ex as a sort of business colleague.
September 29, 2011
If someone asked me to say the title of a book with the information that I need, this is the title of that book (only maybe mine would be less family friendly).
Update: Had a lot of useful information, some I already knew but needed to see in print and some that was actually really helpful. I think I read this at just the right time as well, which was good. I know some don't like the title but frankly, sometimes it just is what it is - why mince words?
Update: Had a lot of useful information, some I already knew but needed to see in print and some that was actually really helpful. I think I read this at just the right time as well, which was good. I know some don't like the title but frankly, sometimes it just is what it is - why mince words?
August 22, 2020
Very little about actually dealing with the kid's dad. And most advice was for scheduling meetings and dealing with in person conversations which is so little these days. Sections giving advice on where a new boyfriend should meet the kids, and how you should spend your free time, and just plain parenting advice etc just were unnecessary. Was hoping for more actual on topic advice.
June 25, 2012
The title is tough, since you don't want the kids knowing you think their dad is a jerk.... but other than that, I got a lot of great ideas from this. Unfortunately, I am dealing with a person unable to communicate on any level. It was a must read for anyone learning to parent separately!
Currently reading
March 12, 2012MAkes me know I'm doing it all right, !!
January 7, 2019
There is a lot of good information here, but it’s really only relevant with minor selfishness: dealing with a real sociopath just isn’t going to get easier. This book is a good compilation of the usual “think positive” and use “I statements” type of communication advice, good reminders to get along with others in general, but nothing really new. There is also advice on helping kids deal with the situation, which is probably the most useful part for me.
September 14, 2017
This begins with a disclaimer that if you're in an abusive relationship, the advice might not be relevant. There are many discussions about how to deal with the main source of the problem, be it the child, the resistant, uncooperative parent, or the custodial parent. Examples are cited on how to deal with it. The problem is that a brief dialog is mentioned and not a continuous one and there is no way to predict responses in advance.
My entire review was erased because it took so long to write. I gave it a 3 star rating because it was good, but not different from most other custodial advice manuals.
This was a court-ordered book to read and I'm sure it might help some people but, with the disclaimer, I don't think it is helpful to me.
My entire review was erased because it took so long to write. I gave it a 3 star rating because it was good, but not different from most other custodial advice manuals.
This was a court-ordered book to read and I'm sure it might help some people but, with the disclaimer, I don't think it is helpful to me.
December 17, 2025
I read enough; I stopped before finishing.
It has practical tips.
It's funny.
But most of all, I like the subtext of the book: "You should really consider the possibility that _you_ are the jerk here". It's the sly hint that it was the reader's interest in the title sucked them in, but maybe the reader should be looking inward rather than outward to solve the problems.
It has practical tips.
It's funny.
But most of all, I like the subtext of the book: "You should really consider the possibility that _you_ are the jerk here". It's the sly hint that it was the reader's interest in the title sucked them in, but maybe the reader should be looking inward rather than outward to solve the problems.
December 21, 2017
This book is a must read for those going through a divorce with children. Using techniques suggested in this book will truly improve your life if you chose successful joint parenting in your future. This book offers outstanding strategies to deal with a difficult ex.
August 5, 2023
Pretty good advice in this book, although I think the title would be better if it replaced “jerk” with “high-conflict-ex” or something less likely to instigate defensiveness when your ex sees the title of the book you’re listening to.
December 30, 2024
A must read for all parents even when not divorced
How to identify who has the problemn in a situation how to not take on someone else’s responsibility and how to approach when it is yours
Good read for all relationships not just w kids
How to identify who has the problemn in a situation how to not take on someone else’s responsibility and how to approach when it is yours
Good read for all relationships not just w kids
August 11, 2019
This is a great book, it you are going through a custody’s battle or divorce. It really paints a picture of your child being the main point. And to try and be civil for them.
December 27, 2021
VERY helpful for anyone attempting to co-parent with a high conflict individual! I highly recommend it for the stable parent, bonus parent and involved grandparents.
June 4, 2020
Honestly good for anyone looking to improve their communication with someone who’s difficult to talk to. I use the ideology provided in this book with my family as well as my ex and my friends. Overall helpful in my daily life.
July 26, 2012
I have already started to use this book when communicating with my ex husband and it has REALLY helped. It goes over identifying who has the problem (you, ex, child) and then how to resolve it from there (using I statements, taking time before quickly responding back, etc.). What I also loved about this book is that it really goes to the heart of the matter, how to improve this communication so that the child (or children) are not involved or in the middle. It tells you when you need to just listen to your child, when you need to help the child work out the problem they have with your ex (this helps build self confidence and enables them to work out their own problems with Dad/Mom and yet they won't be afraid to use you as a sounding board again). It really covers A LOT, and it was so helpful that it was really hard for me to put it down. In fact, 15% into the book I had a fight with my ex, and I used that fight as an example of what NOT to do for the rest of the book. It really has helped and put everything into perspective for me. I hope this book does as much for you as it has for me.
September 12, 2014
I think this book saved my life!
Unfortunately, while I was getting my co-parenting skills under wraps my ex was off fooling around with psychotic (literally) new girlfriends and eventually became the dime-a-dozen deadbeat dads who now hasn't seen or contacted any of his kids in years.
Yet, I loved this book because it gave such a good insight on co-parenting with a difficult ex-spouse and revolving it around the best interest of your child. It really focused on YOU and how YOU are the one that needs to change (since you can't change or control anyone else, for that matter) and how YOUR behaviors, actions, reactions, responses, and how you treat others pays a huge contribution to co-parenting. This book was raw, brutally honest, and brilliantly written. It was full of really good advice, and went over a lot of scenarios and situations that many parents can relate too. I loved it!
Unfortunately, while I was getting my co-parenting skills under wraps my ex was off fooling around with psychotic (literally) new girlfriends and eventually became the dime-a-dozen deadbeat dads who now hasn't seen or contacted any of his kids in years.
Yet, I loved this book because it gave such a good insight on co-parenting with a difficult ex-spouse and revolving it around the best interest of your child. It really focused on YOU and how YOU are the one that needs to change (since you can't change or control anyone else, for that matter) and how YOUR behaviors, actions, reactions, responses, and how you treat others pays a huge contribution to co-parenting. This book was raw, brutally honest, and brilliantly written. It was full of really good advice, and went over a lot of scenarios and situations that many parents can relate too. I loved it!
January 19, 2013
I bet that for the--presumably female--single parent in 1996 this book was a god send. However, reading this in 2013 the book reads as antiquated. I feel like emotional landscape of parenting has changed and, subsequently, what might have been ground-breaking 17 years ago is now common practice. This is like the VHS tape version of a joint-custody parenting book in a Blu Ray reality.
July 29, 2014
This book was recommended to my son at a parenting class. It has been helpful in dealing with a negative personality. It is exceptionally difficult when the "jerk" is abusive and alienating the entire paternal side of the family. The book gave insight, and coping skills which were much needed. It's good to know you are not alone, and how to "fight back" effectively.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 43 reviews