Never Call Them Jerks

by Arthur Paul Boers

No church is immune to the problems that can arise when parishioners behave in difficult ways. Responding to such situations with self-awareness and in a manner true to one’s faith tradition makes the difference between peace and disaster. In this must-read book, Boers shows how a better understanding of difficult behavior can help congregational leaders avoid the trap of labeling such parishioners and exercise self-care when the going gets rough.

Genres: Nonfiction, Spirituality, Church

160 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1999

About the author

Arthur Paul Boers is Associate Professor of Pastoral Theology at Associated Mennonite Biblical Seminary in Elkhart, Indiana. He is an ordained Mennonite minister and Benedictine oblate. He served for over sixteen years as a pastor in rural, urban, and church-planting settings in the USA and Canada.

Boers is an author. His newest book is The Way is Made by Walking: A Pilgrimage Along the Camino de Santiago (InterVarsity, 2007). His other books are:
--The Rhythm of Gods Grace (Paraclete, 2003);
--Never Call Them Jerks: Healthy Responses to Difficult Behavior (Alban, 1999);
--Lord, Teach Us to Pray: A New Look at the Lord's Prayer (Herald, 1992);
--Justice that Heals: A Biblical Vision for Victims and Offenders (Faith and Life, 1992);
--On Earth as in Heaven: Justice Rooted in Spirituality (Herald, 1991.
He is co-editor of Take Our Moments and Our Days: An Anabaptist Prayer Book (Herald, 2007).

Boers earned the following degrees: D. Min. with distinction in worship and spirituality (Northern Baptist Theological Seminary), M. Th. in Pastoral Counseling (Waterloo Lutheran Seminary), M. Div. (McCormick Theological Seminary), M.A. in Peace Studies (Associated Mennonite Biblical Seminary), B.A. (University of Western Ontario). He is Book Review Editor for Conrad Grebel Review. For many years he served as columnist and editorial advisor for Christian Ministry, The Builder and as contributing editor to The Other Side. His articles and reviews have been published in Biblical Preaching Journal, Catholic New Times, Christian Century, Christianity Today, Congregations, Leadership, St. Anthony Messenger, and Sojourners.

Hobbies include hiking, canoeing, kayaking, and windsurfing. In 2005, he walked the 500 mile pilgrimage route, the Camino de Santiago in Spain, the experience which formed the basis for his newest book. Boers is a Canadian, the oldest son of Dutch immigrants. He is married to Lorna McDougall, an operating room nurse. They are the parents of two young adult children, both in college."

Reviews

[Al Gritten · Rating 3 out of 5]

First, let me say that I am not a big fan of systems theory. That is not to say that I don't think it is accurate, it is. I just don't like the study of systems, it is just not my particular thing. However, as far as books on systems theory go, I have to say that this is one of the better ones I've read. The first few chapters are a bit slow and somewhat repetitive if you are familiar with family systems theories and their applications (Steinke and Leas, for example). But the last half of the book is very well done, and perhaps the best I've read on systems theory applications. It is worth reading the first chapters to get to the rest.

[Phil · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is my second time reading Boer's book on difficult behavior which is, in my opinion, one of the better book on dealing with difficult behavior out there. While it is written from the point of a view of a pastor, as a Christian teacher, I have found in both my readings that there is so much that is useful that it has repaid me the effort of translating its suggestions into my own life. I particularly like the suggestion that we avoid attaching hostile labels on people who are difficult and the suggestion that difficult people and situations have something to teach us. That has been my experience in teaching as well, so it is good to be reminded.

[Robert Lowry · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve read this book at least 20 times. If you are in ministry or not, it is a must read.

[Stephen · Rating 4 out of 5]

The right of the laity to whinge, micturate, moan and kvetch about their clergy is very old (Exodus 14-16; Numbers 11; Joshua 9:18; Acts 6:1; Jude 1:16, 18-19) and shall not be abridged by any church authority who wishes to remain in office. Like atomic radiation, there is a certain constant background level of murmuring, grumbling, mocking and doubting the clergy. There is an impolite and sexist expression among those in the nautical branches of military service: "A bitching sailor is a happy sailor.” These words have graced the lips of men at sea since Lord Nelson commanded HMS Victory. The saw is sometimes coupled with the Law of Conservation of Happiness which states that, once a ship casts off, the amount of happiness on board can neither be created nor destroyed. The only way to add to one's fixed sum of happiness is to take some away from someone else. Some members of the United States Marine Corps contend that the correct saying is "A bitching Marine is a happy Marine” as this is found in Leon Uris' novel "Battle Cry." Marines are well known, however, for taking all their best lines from the Navy. Which brings one inexorably to the issue of laity complaining about their clergy. While this is expected behaviour ("A bitching congregant is a happy congregant"), what is neither expected nor permitted is any sort of parallel, complementary retort from the ordained about the flock. Thus, the title of the book "Never Call Them Jerks." Where, please, was this book many years ago when I entered ordained ministry? There was woefully little in my theological education to prepare me to deal with the battles, dysfunction, misbehaviour, knavery and psychological games common to parish life. In addressing pastoral responses to congregants behaving badly, Boers knows that such difficulties have nothing to do with denomination. He draws on the wisdom and experience of rabbis, Eastern Orthodox priests, Buddhist monks and even Episcopalians, in addition to his own Anabaptist peers as a Mennonite pastor. The church tends to borrow much of its understanding of these issues from other disciplines. Boers' dependence is upon Family Systems Theory, which was not, at first, a product of the church trying to be a better church but rather a psycho-therapeutic model. As always happens when the church baptizes a secular model and assimilates it, a good deal of psycho-babblian language gets imported in the process. This is unfortunate. The best parts of the book are the stories Boers has collected and retells. Narrative is often the best teaching method and that is certainly the case in this subject. Wisdom fairly percolates up out of the ground of these stories and accounts for much of the book's value. The best part of his conclusions is in his continual gentle turning of the focus of the conversation away from the troublesome other and back to one's self. There is very little likelihood that any pastor, no matter how skilled, is going to change much about a church member who creates problems. The one thing which astute clergy can do is to look at themselves, their own needs and reactions, in order to control their response, to be a nonanxious presence, and perhaps even to learn something from the process of living through congregational turmoil (which always hath been and wilt always be).

[Lindsay · Rating 5 out of 5]

Essential church leader read. Absolutely essential.

[Nick Jordan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Unfortunately so necessary and so useful. I would highly recommend it to other pastors and churchgoers dealing with conflict. Or recommend you read it ahead of conflict to be a bit more prepared.

[Jim · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great easy read on family systems and how it applies to church leadership and church dynamics. A good starter book for those not ready for Edwin Friedman's Generations to Generations which is quoted extensively.

[Susan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Re-read this and found it helpful. Boers writes from a family systems framework and is concise. It's a quick read to refresh one's memory on handling conflict or communication issues.

[Tom Buratovich · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just a wonderful book about reconciliation and how being negative, mean, and violent to another is a boomerang process that whacks you in the head with all that you are dishing out.

[Aleta · Rating 3 out of 5]

Various leaders at my church all read this book. It helped spawn some good discussion of things we need to do.

[Craig Cottongim · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read this on the flight home from Chicago, a quick read, filled with great info.

[Graham · Rating 5 out of 5]

A slim paperback which concisely describes the many reasons so many Christians find it difficult to handle conflict well and suggests many ways to handle conflict better.