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Priests in Love: Roman Catholic Clergy and Their Intimate Relationships
<div>In the 1960s and ‘70s, thousands of Roman Catholic priests left the active ministry to get married. Nothing like this had been seen on this scale since the French Revolution, and before that since the Reformation. Now a different phenomenon seems to be at work: priests who have formed long-time, intimate sexual friendships. These men are not pedophiles or sexual abusers. They are adult, mature men who can no longer find a rationale for a life of obligatory celibacy and enter into responsible sexual relationships. Some of them are straight, some gay. Based on interviews, conducted over a nine-year period, with 50 Australian priests, Priests in Love tells the stories of these priests and their friends. It deals with the moral, psychological, and social challenges they face on the less traveled road of social change. </div>>
208 pages, Paperback
First published February 9, 2005
12 people want to read
About the author
Jane Anderson
1 bookMultiple authors with the same name, this author is entered with 7 spaces.
Jane Anderson received a PhD in anthropology in 2004. Mother of four teenage children, she lives in Yakamia, Western Australia, where she has been active in Catholic parish life for over twenty years.
Jane Anderson received a PhD in anthropology in 2004. Mother of four teenage children, she lives in Yakamia, Western Australia, where she has been active in Catholic parish life for over twenty years.
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April 25, 2025
A POSITIVE PRESENTATION OF THE VIEWS OF ‘PRIESTS WITH FRIENDS’
Author Jane Anderson wrote in the Preface to this 2005 book, “Clerical sexual abuse, gays in the priesthood, priests having affairs… For many the priesthood seems to be plagued with so many ills that it is hard to imagine a way out of the sexual morass. But there is a story that moves beyond negativity and mere titillation. That story belongs to priests who love their friends and treasure the priesthood. In caring for both, they are attempting to find a pathway towards a happier future… for the church and the world.
“This book records some elements of this venture. At different points in their journey, these men discover that celibacy---no matter how hard they might try to honor the practice---is destructive of their lives and ministry. In finding a remedy in sexually intimate friendships, these priests are then forced to make their way through a jumbled mass of complexities. That struggle is made more arduous because the papacy rejects such a journey. In their venture, these priests must renegotiate their promises made to celibacy and participation in the Eucharist, tasks that are difficult because they feel considerable pressures to restore their celibacy. They are also torn by their need for intimate companionship. Some priests don’t make it. But those who do must continue on the less-traveled road of social change, constantly threatened by the expectations of a powerful church hierarchy and of concerned confreres and loyal parishioners.
“Along the way, these priests encounter major moral dilemmas, undergo struggles about their priestly identity, and seek to create strategies that will resist a defensive and controlling patriarchy … they reexamine tradition and scripture. Their contemporary interpretations and experience subsequently lead many to the belief that their friendships are both moral and divinely blessed. Finally, they arrive at a place of understanding in which they know that the future of the priesthood depends upon priests being allowed to have sexually intimate friendships. They therefore urge the church to move beyond compulsory celibacy.” (Pg. 1-2)
She reports, “Some commentators believe that compulsory celibacy is a contributing factor in certain priests who become sexually dysfunctional in their relationships with minors. Fr. James, a priest who specializes in counseling, argues that ‘the level of sexual maturation amongst Catholic clergy in general could well be compared to… adolescent boys… not surprisingly---since sexual/relational maturation of many clergy was in fact frozen at this stage. They joined the seminary system in their teens; their contact with women was severed, and so they went into their adult lives stunted, emasculated. It is not merely coincidental that many of the clergy sexual abuse cases have been perpetrated against minors.” (Pg. 18)
She continues, “Some researchers also raise issues about the difficulties priests have with achieving maturity. The U.S. National Conference of Bishops, for example, commissioned Eugene Kennedy and Victor Heckler in the early 1970s to conduct research on the psychological development of priests. The results… indicated that 66.05% of the priests in the United States were psychologically underdeveloped and 8.48% maldeveloped. According to these researchers, underdeveloped priests are genuinely uneasy about intimacy, and those priests who have not solved the problem of intimacy have not reached maturity.” (Pg. 22)
She reports, “Some priests… exercise a good deal of leverage in the penitential system… significant numbers of priests … use the right to be confessed and directed by priests who are known to be expert at kindness… These priests select confessors who exercise a considerable amount of compassion and latitude with regard to sexuality… Sometimes these confessors are also known to have similar relationships, or have had them in the past… Alternatively, in confession nobody says much at all. It’s sort of like, well, that’s their business, and you know that they will do it again. It’s a hidden secret you don’t talk about.” (Pg. 29)
She suggests, “the expressions of disapproval by Vatican officials about sexual pluralism within the priesthood will not make the problem go away… [Some] priests are becoming less willing to sacrifice their sexuality to what Fr. Mark calls ‘the golden calf of celibacy.’ In considering celibacy an idolatrous practice that distracts them from their mission they seek appropriate ways to serve God and humankind… priests with friends are aware that the responsibility for the unnecessary sacrifice of priests’ sexuality lies with the papacy.” (Pg. 65)
She notes, “bishops and priests who do desire reform of celibacy find themselves between a rock and a hard place. They cannot afford to admit to the Vatican that there are internal disunities within the priesthood. Yet their refusal to acknowledge such fissures diminishes their credibility within the church. Nonetheless, these clerics continue to invest in the official rhetoric of celibacy because it is crucial for their respective episcopal and priestly survival---an action that is supported by another informal rule of the priesthood---you should never cr_p in your own nest. In [this]…certain bishops and priests are able to maintain their privileges and prerogatives and their friendships as well.” (Pg. 83-84)
She asks, “Will church demands give way to a respect for what the local priesthood is today rather than what it was in the past? The answer seems directly tied to the extent to which the local bishop will be able and willing to develop a corresponding respect for disenfranchised voices in the local church. This, in part, also depends on the … courage of priests and others to share their concerns and difficulties about celibacy. These are, after all, not issues for the papacy alone.” (Pg. 91)
She reports, “Priests … [give] reasons why they thought the church continues to maintain celibacy. ‘The reason behind the official stonewalling on the law about celibacy probably has little to do with doctrine since there is, in fact, no doctrinal obstacle to a married clergy, but rather to the fact that a married clergy would cost more than a celibate one, and also be less amenable to episcopal control in matters such as transfers. Money and power may have more to do with the law on celibacy than doctrine or tradition.” (Pg. 100)
She asserts, “The papacy assumes that it alone has the exclusive right and responsibility to determine what is moral for the priest… Priests with friends reject the assumption of the papacy that it alone can determine what is moral. They believe that they have a moral license to wrestle with the contradictions that beset their lives and ministries… priests with friends have not abandoned morality but nuance and apply it to enhance their own and other people’s lives.” (Pg. 118-119)
She notes, “the tension between the idealized past of celibacy and the experienced present is building up to critical proportions under the combined efforts of priests with friends, dissidents and reformers, disenchanted Catholics, and those concerned about the shortage of priests. For these groups and individuals, celibacy is being identified as a form of religious imperialism. The papacy struggles to convince Catholics otherwise.” (Pg. 145)
She predicts, “if [the papacy] continues to ignore and suppress the prophecies of priests with friends, the priesthood and church will continue to experience wide dissent and the threat of dissolution. At worst, church leadership will not be able to realize its own authenticity necessary for retaining political influence, public credibility, and religious veracity. At best, church leadership will accept the profound need for change.” (Pg. 195)
She concludes, “priests with friends search for the means to resolve the difficulties they have with celibacy, for they are not powerless. They have a faithful model and mentor in Jesus Christ, and their task is to show Christ-like courage and holy impatience in their pursuit of reform. Likewise, the pope and the curia have their duty and responsibility … not in the form of paternalism but in ways that regard others as fellow pilgrims in the search for truth.” (Pg. 201)
This book will be of keen interest to those sympathetic to ‘priests with friends.’
Author Jane Anderson wrote in the Preface to this 2005 book, “Clerical sexual abuse, gays in the priesthood, priests having affairs… For many the priesthood seems to be plagued with so many ills that it is hard to imagine a way out of the sexual morass. But there is a story that moves beyond negativity and mere titillation. That story belongs to priests who love their friends and treasure the priesthood. In caring for both, they are attempting to find a pathway towards a happier future… for the church and the world.
“This book records some elements of this venture. At different points in their journey, these men discover that celibacy---no matter how hard they might try to honor the practice---is destructive of their lives and ministry. In finding a remedy in sexually intimate friendships, these priests are then forced to make their way through a jumbled mass of complexities. That struggle is made more arduous because the papacy rejects such a journey. In their venture, these priests must renegotiate their promises made to celibacy and participation in the Eucharist, tasks that are difficult because they feel considerable pressures to restore their celibacy. They are also torn by their need for intimate companionship. Some priests don’t make it. But those who do must continue on the less-traveled road of social change, constantly threatened by the expectations of a powerful church hierarchy and of concerned confreres and loyal parishioners.
“Along the way, these priests encounter major moral dilemmas, undergo struggles about their priestly identity, and seek to create strategies that will resist a defensive and controlling patriarchy … they reexamine tradition and scripture. Their contemporary interpretations and experience subsequently lead many to the belief that their friendships are both moral and divinely blessed. Finally, they arrive at a place of understanding in which they know that the future of the priesthood depends upon priests being allowed to have sexually intimate friendships. They therefore urge the church to move beyond compulsory celibacy.” (Pg. 1-2)
She reports, “Some commentators believe that compulsory celibacy is a contributing factor in certain priests who become sexually dysfunctional in their relationships with minors. Fr. James, a priest who specializes in counseling, argues that ‘the level of sexual maturation amongst Catholic clergy in general could well be compared to… adolescent boys… not surprisingly---since sexual/relational maturation of many clergy was in fact frozen at this stage. They joined the seminary system in their teens; their contact with women was severed, and so they went into their adult lives stunted, emasculated. It is not merely coincidental that many of the clergy sexual abuse cases have been perpetrated against minors.” (Pg. 18)
She continues, “Some researchers also raise issues about the difficulties priests have with achieving maturity. The U.S. National Conference of Bishops, for example, commissioned Eugene Kennedy and Victor Heckler in the early 1970s to conduct research on the psychological development of priests. The results… indicated that 66.05% of the priests in the United States were psychologically underdeveloped and 8.48% maldeveloped. According to these researchers, underdeveloped priests are genuinely uneasy about intimacy, and those priests who have not solved the problem of intimacy have not reached maturity.” (Pg. 22)
She reports, “Some priests… exercise a good deal of leverage in the penitential system… significant numbers of priests … use the right to be confessed and directed by priests who are known to be expert at kindness… These priests select confessors who exercise a considerable amount of compassion and latitude with regard to sexuality… Sometimes these confessors are also known to have similar relationships, or have had them in the past… Alternatively, in confession nobody says much at all. It’s sort of like, well, that’s their business, and you know that they will do it again. It’s a hidden secret you don’t talk about.” (Pg. 29)
She suggests, “the expressions of disapproval by Vatican officials about sexual pluralism within the priesthood will not make the problem go away… [Some] priests are becoming less willing to sacrifice their sexuality to what Fr. Mark calls ‘the golden calf of celibacy.’ In considering celibacy an idolatrous practice that distracts them from their mission they seek appropriate ways to serve God and humankind… priests with friends are aware that the responsibility for the unnecessary sacrifice of priests’ sexuality lies with the papacy.” (Pg. 65)
She notes, “bishops and priests who do desire reform of celibacy find themselves between a rock and a hard place. They cannot afford to admit to the Vatican that there are internal disunities within the priesthood. Yet their refusal to acknowledge such fissures diminishes their credibility within the church. Nonetheless, these clerics continue to invest in the official rhetoric of celibacy because it is crucial for their respective episcopal and priestly survival---an action that is supported by another informal rule of the priesthood---you should never cr_p in your own nest. In [this]…certain bishops and priests are able to maintain their privileges and prerogatives and their friendships as well.” (Pg. 83-84)
She asks, “Will church demands give way to a respect for what the local priesthood is today rather than what it was in the past? The answer seems directly tied to the extent to which the local bishop will be able and willing to develop a corresponding respect for disenfranchised voices in the local church. This, in part, also depends on the … courage of priests and others to share their concerns and difficulties about celibacy. These are, after all, not issues for the papacy alone.” (Pg. 91)
She reports, “Priests … [give] reasons why they thought the church continues to maintain celibacy. ‘The reason behind the official stonewalling on the law about celibacy probably has little to do with doctrine since there is, in fact, no doctrinal obstacle to a married clergy, but rather to the fact that a married clergy would cost more than a celibate one, and also be less amenable to episcopal control in matters such as transfers. Money and power may have more to do with the law on celibacy than doctrine or tradition.” (Pg. 100)
She asserts, “The papacy assumes that it alone has the exclusive right and responsibility to determine what is moral for the priest… Priests with friends reject the assumption of the papacy that it alone can determine what is moral. They believe that they have a moral license to wrestle with the contradictions that beset their lives and ministries… priests with friends have not abandoned morality but nuance and apply it to enhance their own and other people’s lives.” (Pg. 118-119)
She notes, “the tension between the idealized past of celibacy and the experienced present is building up to critical proportions under the combined efforts of priests with friends, dissidents and reformers, disenchanted Catholics, and those concerned about the shortage of priests. For these groups and individuals, celibacy is being identified as a form of religious imperialism. The papacy struggles to convince Catholics otherwise.” (Pg. 145)
She predicts, “if [the papacy] continues to ignore and suppress the prophecies of priests with friends, the priesthood and church will continue to experience wide dissent and the threat of dissolution. At worst, church leadership will not be able to realize its own authenticity necessary for retaining political influence, public credibility, and religious veracity. At best, church leadership will accept the profound need for change.” (Pg. 195)
She concludes, “priests with friends search for the means to resolve the difficulties they have with celibacy, for they are not powerless. They have a faithful model and mentor in Jesus Christ, and their task is to show Christ-like courage and holy impatience in their pursuit of reform. Likewise, the pope and the curia have their duty and responsibility … not in the form of paternalism but in ways that regard others as fellow pilgrims in the search for truth.” (Pg. 201)
This book will be of keen interest to those sympathetic to ‘priests with friends.’
February 17, 2024
This book was very well written. While some of the language was hard to understand as my education of Vatican and theological knowledge is limited. However what I found valuable was the stories of these priests with friends. Some of these personal accounts had me in tears that at times were seemingly uncontrollable. My heart did not grieve for these men, but my soul grieved for these men. The importance these friendships had made in their lives opened my heart to accepting and understanding things that had gone on in my own diocese and parish that I no longer attend. I hope the priests who I have known or have heard of who have left the priesthood with their friends are happy. But at the same time it was sad to lose these men from our diocese. That being said as long as celibacy is an issue priests will be harder to find. This book has shown me that not only do these men struggle with compulsory celibacy but they also struggle with their own humanity. I recommend this book to anyone who has an interest in this subject or even if to gain a stronger empathy to the men who at the end of the day are merely humans who make great and sometimes heartbreaking sacrifices in the name of their calling in order to serve the people in their parish as best that they can.
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