90 Seconds to a Life You Love: How to Master Your Difficult Feelings to Cultivate Lasting Confidence, Resilience, and Authenticity

by Joan I. Rosenberg

Learn how to manage your most difficult feelings and build the emotional strength you need to create the life of your dreams. ​Sadness, shame, helplessness, anger, embarrassment, disappointment, frustration, and vulnerability. In 30 years as a practicing psychologist, Dr. Joan Rosenberg has found that what most often blocks people from success and feeling capable in life is the inability to experience, move through, and handle these 8 unpleasant feelings. Knowing how to deal with intense, overwhelming, or uncomfortable feelings is essential to building confidence, emotional strength, and resilience. Yet when we distract or disconnect from these feelings, we move away from confidence, health, and our desired pursuits, ultimately undermining our ability to fully realize our ambitions. Neuroscientists suggest that the biological lifespan of a feeling, often known first through bodily sensations, lasts approximately 90 seconds. Dr. Rosenberg teaches readers to be aware, consciously lean into, and balance these unpleasant emotions by riding one or more 90-second waves of the bodily sensations. By staying present to these 8 feelings, we cultivate the confidence that we can handle life's challenges and the deep sense we can pursue whatever we want. Combining more than three decades of clinical experience with aspects of clinical psychology, mindfulness, and neuroscience research, 90 Seconds to a Life You Love is a strategic and practical guide on building core emotional strength, reducing anxiety, and developing the confidence you need to create a life of your design -- a life you love.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Health, Personal Development, Mental Health

305 pages, Kindle Edition

Published February 12, 2019

Reviews

[Gina · Rating 2 out of 5]

A boring book that's longer than necessary. The short version is acknowledge your feelings and move on.

[James · Rating 4 out of 5]

The author's identification of difficult feelings is valid and helpful, although I believe she downplays and minimizes the lasting effects of trauma. Also, I laughed at a lot of the bull-shitty trademarked terms, but that's just me.

I don't see myself putting very much of this into practice - this is a self-help book strongly geared toward women and their emotional lives - but I did get something out of the part about speaking up. This is something I struggle with, along with naming negative emotions I'm feeling (for me, it's always been hurt or upset combined with intensity).

Overall, she's not wrong, but this book/message isn't for everyone. For people who like to think about feelings, probably a great read. For the more stoic among us, probably not. For people suffering from trauma, I would not recommend.

[Angela · Rating 3 out of 5]

From the title, I was hoping this was more along the lines of the meditation books I've been reading lately -- kind of a mindful awareness of feelings as a way to endure and overcome them. And yes, it included that, but in a trademarked kind of way. The trademarked "Rosenberg Reset" is the main focus of the book, but there are plenty of other trademarked terms - "soulful depression", "The Emotional Awareness Grid," "Compliment Blockers," etc., etc. (That emphasis on the author's trademarked terms & ideas rubbed me the wrong way.) The other difference between this and the meditation stuff is Rosenberg focuses on finding yourself (your values, etc.) vs. meditation's more universal/selfless focus.

I wasn't crazy about the first 2 chapters and almost didn't continue reading. But starting with the 3rd chapter, I found some useful things. And there was definitely some good stuff (for me) towards the end. I liked the section on embracing and believing others' compliments -- I even started a section in my journal for compiling compliments received. And the section on congruence -- really living and speaking the things you say are important to you -- gave me some insights. I have not tried any of the journaling exercises yet, but I may.

The author is definitely a lister, so there's the 8 difficult feelings, the GRIEF reset protocol (with steps for G, R, I, E & F), The Prime 17 Signs You're Not Speaking Your Truth, etc. Maybe a tad much with the lists? Or maybe I'm just being fussy.

I'd give this 3.5 stars. (I was provided a free uncorrected review copy.)

[Geetha · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5 stars. I read this on a friend's recommendation, and if it had not been for that recommendation, I definitely would have ditched it after the first chapter. I don't trust authors who purport to have miracle cures for all that ails you. The author did a lot of self-aggrandizing without much vulnerability, and there were too many stories of people who tried the "Rosenberg Reset" and within a a few weeks had major successes like getting a promotion, totally changing a relationship, etc. Lots of "you can change your life to get everything you've ever wanted if you just do this one thing." Even if the tools are useful, it read like snake oil. Furthermore, many of the tools seemed to overlook systemic problems that humans are trapped in. I'm not trying to tell someone experiencing trauma/poverty/etc. that if they just "ride the 90 second wave of emotion" (whatever that actually means -- I was never clear) that everything will somehow automatically improve.

Some of the later chapters had some ideas that seemed actually practical and helpful. So overall some potentially useful ideas in this book, but I wish that I could have read an abbreviated version that just had the good stuff. Or I wish that an editor had changed the tone of the book so that it felt like it actually accounted for the complexities of being a human.

[Kevin Diffily · Rating 2 out of 5]

Summary…distress tolerance will fix everything. It’s not that simple. Mental health is complicated. The excessive use of trademarks is a turn off. Her acknowledging that many dysfunctional coping mechanisms have a strong connection with mental health issues is spot on.

[Laura Steward · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received an advance copy of this book in prep for an iHeart radio interview with the author. The book shifted my thinking and feeling so much that I bought a Kindle copy as well so I could always have it with me to look to when I find myself not allowing myself to process through my uncomfortable emotions.

Today, as I am writing this review, I keep having flashbacks to finding my mom struggling on the floor in 2017 after a massive stroke that took her life two days later. The trigger? The shirt I put on after I got out of the shower and went to my mom's bedroom to see why she wasn't up and about yet. I was getting dressed after a shower this morning and saw the shirt in my closet.

I wanted to avoid the feelings, as I want to as I type this review. Instead I am allowing the tears to flow through and the grief to surface as often as it needs to. Feeling these emotions as they want to surface creates much more ease in my body and mind and leaves me feeling calmer and more at ease. I can feel the tension leave my body when I follow the advice and exercises in Dr Joan's book.

Dr. Joan Rosenberg's book is filled with exercises to help you master the difficult feelings so any one, who is wiling to do the work, can embrace the confidence within, become resilient and live a life that reflects who they truly are. My advance copy is dog eared and the replay of the interview, and notes I took during it, are tagged for repeat listening.

If you are tired of feeling tired or sad or angry or ashamed or any other difficult emotion, I encourage you to get a copy of this book and read it through once. Then go back and read it again and work through each of the exercises. Take it in small bites or embrace it all at once. It has made a difference in my life. May it do the same for you.

[Anna · Rating 4 out of 5]

At first I thought that the title was flippant and silly: no one transforms their life in just 90 seconds! I couldn't have been more mistaken. 90 seconds is the approximate time it takes for neurochemicals to flood and then recede in human bodies. Rosenberg's "Reset" process is based on the simple principle of identifying difficult feelings as one experiences them, in order to do exactly what the title says.

Applying the information and exercises in this book has transformed my daily life and made my current successes possible. I don't say this lightly - I fervently wish I had known how to do this for the prior 35 years (since I was a child, in other words). Having gladly implemented what I learned from this book every day for over a year and half now, I expect to continue to implement what I have learned for the rest of my life.

One of my top 3 books I read in 2019, a watershed year for me. Thank you, Dr. Rosenberg!

Note: if you are going through grief, trauma, resentment, or rage, you might want to check out the latter part of the book first. Also, if you find that Dr. Rosenberg's approaches don't sit 100% well with you, you might want to check out Elaine Aron's work on High Sensitivity. I combined approaches, with better effect for me.

[Toni · Rating 5 out of 5]

Whoa this book is fantastic! I have always loved self help type books but lately stopped reading them.
They all seem to say the same things or ideas that I already have heard before. This book actually is teaching me new ideas I have never heard before.
I need to work on feeling my emotions and this book is SO helpful. I love it!

[Tgandco2 · Rating 1 out of 5]

Tedious. I think there is maybe 25% content in this book and the rest is useless and repetitive filler. I found the author’s writing condescending and arrogant. The advice was muddled, unclear and largely useless. If I could have rated it lower I would have.

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Seems hokey and gimmicky, but it's filled with concrete steps you can take. It was very helpful for me.

[Victor Yu · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found the book to be quite repetitive and the stories unrealistic. “Emma thought this way for years. When she started believing another perspective, all her stress melted away”. This isn’t an exact quote but pretty similar.
Also some of the main arguments seem to be a rehash of CBT.

[Maggie The Witch · Rating 1 out of 5]

Way too long, not really helpful to me.

[elizabeth sawyer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was lucky enough to attend a private workshop with this author earlier in 2020. After hearing her wisdom, I decided to read this book of hers... it has taken me 6+ months to get through only because it is so thought provoking and contains excellent journaling prompts for self-discovery. In particular this "self-help" book is very approachable, understandable and centered around an organized and thorough thesis and work. There are entirely way to many quotable moments to include here. This would also be a strong companion book for a therapist-client so that the client has "homework" and then could discuss things that come up as they work through journal responses. As a parent, this book also helped me recognize things I could do to help my children sit and process emotion, and that ultimately making them emotionally strong will give them far more other traits and skills. I would be curious to see if she narrates her own audio books - her voice & tone are very pleasant and would make the book even more like a workshop.

[Lauren · Rating 3 out of 5]

“How to Feel Your Feelings” would be a better title. Really useful information and exercises, especially in the first part. Also really interesting information on anxiety, and a hot take on anxiety as a way to distract from feeling our feelings. I liked that the goal of feeling my feelings is to increase my trust in myself and have deeper, more authentic connections with others.

One neglected area is the systemic and cultural ways the expression of emotion is controlled, especially with vulnerable populations (e.g., children) and those experiencing oppression. When under threat of punishment or violence, the safest thing to do may be to suppress emotion, or at least not express it.

I also didn’t like her dive into the realm of positive psychology and the encouragement to develop characteristics like “grit.” This seemed outside the author’s wheelhouse and an annoying add-on to the central focus of making space for emotion.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

Don't I have some self-work to do 😅 I like the book as it has very practical tips on How To. I saw myself in many described behaviours and the awareness by itself it's gonna make me look at things differently. Let's see now , down to self-work!

[Mardee · Rating 5 out of 5]

The reset will be really helpful

Very helpful book on building resilience and managing emotions. Includes a lot that I can use right away and some takeaways that will benefit from deeper thought.

[RaeAnne · Rating 3 out of 5]

There were some places in this book where the author was definitely reading my mail. I know the research is valuable and applicable, but I had a hard time connecting with a lot of the exercises. I can't put my finger on it exactly, but it just fell a little flat for me. It definitely brought some things up for me, but I think I just need to think through it and maybe talk to someone about it. I didn't find the method to be straight-forward, but a little ambiguous in places. Worth exploring, but not everything I was looking for. I am glad I read it, but it's not one that I couldn't wait to devour and I probably wouldn't recommend it because I had trouble connecting with it.

[Laura · Rating 1 out of 5]

*I didn't finish it*

It reminded me of the scene in Something about Mary "7. minute. abs." The first few minutes contained a myriad of self-help buzz words to "get the life you've always dreamed of in only 90 seconds" bullshit.

It starts off with the very stereotypical "You're life isn't hard you're just negative" coming from a person who admits to experiencing no real adversity and name drops the entirety of her contacts list. I should have stopped at "it only takes 90 seconds to change your life. What are you waiting for?" Yuck.

The bad title is fitting for a gimmickky out of touch book... I should have known.

[Frankie Paige · Rating 3 out of 5]

At one point, the author mentions a transformative time she was called "boring," and whoa, ouch, but she still is. She's also not wrong.

I don't like the heavy-handed trademarking, and the incessant lists are a bit much (boring), but they also make the content look tidy and seem actionable.

The advice is great for dealing with everyday challenges, but, as the author points out herself, wouldn't be suitable for dealing with trauma.

[Gregg R. · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a hard one to rate. I really love her essential message, but for some reason it was hard for me to get through the book. I've referred to it often since reading it, but haven't necessarily felt like recommending it.

[Jill Sumi · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting take on how to deal with difficult emotions. More helpful for clinicians or people who are stable than those really suffering with negative emtions.

[Tenille Tsujimoto · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wanted to read this book as I have been having some big emotions lately and was hoping to find some insight to how to help cope with or manage them. I have a habit of distracting myself and keeping myself busy in order to push away some of those hard to manage emotions. It’s interesting that throughout the book he focused on the 90 seconds. If you can be aware and consciously lean into your emotion for 90 seconds, then you can manage the confidence to get through that challenge. Which in theory seems to help, but not so much if you are battling a trauma. It takes more than 90 seconds to even figure out what you are feeling at least from my experience.

It was quite a long book to get through, but there was one part that really spoke to me:
“The conflict needs to remain between you and the other person, observable and known to both. Where it can be dealt with openly.” Conflict needs to be known to the other person. If we just keep it inside us and not share how we feel, it goes nowhere. “Feelings and conflict don't magically disappear. Issues and conflict need to be out in the open, that way they can be responded to and resolved instead of being harbored inside where there is a greater likelihood to fester and grow into toxic feelings and emotional distance.”
“Difficulty speaking is really difficulty in handling your feelings. A conversation requires you to tolerate the unpleasant feelings in yourself and those same feelings within another person. If you find certain conversations unpleasant or stressful, it’s possible that you are not dealing well with your own unpleasant feelings….”

Since I was listening to the audiobook of this, I didn’t take the time to do all the journaling activities it asked you to do throughout the book. I’m sure it could be helpful to some, but at this point in my life it wasn’t helpful. But I did find it useful as she mentioned to stop avoiding the feelings you are having. Let the grief flow and come to the surface as often as it needs to. No matter what feelings you are having, there is always some portion of grief associated with it. Whether its grief from what you thought it should be or grief that it was taken from you. That’s something I need to work on. The grief does not define me as a person, I can have it and I am allowed to grieve what once was, but then I need to process those feelings and find ways to accept what now is.

Just a personal pet peeve, but it bugged me every time they said “e.g.” out loud. Instead of saying for example, it was spoken “e.g. when you……” Maybe that’s just me, but it was all throughout the book and just bugged me. I found myself right in the middle for my review. Some parts seemed unnatural but there were some pieces that made sense. I don’t know that I would do the “reset” but having those conversations about the hard topics makes sense.

[Darren · Rating 3 out of 5]

Read this book after seeing someone recommend its content “despite the garbage title”. Well, I’d say about 50% of its content is garbage too. The cringey, culty, cure-all self-help language it’s written in is quite painful. Lots of little irritating things here and there, from silly slogans to recommending Elaine N. Aron’s work, to advocating arbitrary forgiveness. But despite all that, there is some useful information here, and if you can take the book in general with a pinch of salt, I’d still recommend reading it. The first half of the book or so, particularly the chapters that focus on coping with difficult feelings and emotions, does contain some real gold, and I’m glad I gave this book a shot. I might even return to those chapters in future, if I find myself really struggling with anxiety again. I can’t help but wonder if I might have coped a little better during some tough times in the past if I’d been able to read this book then. Just don’t get caught up in blaming yourself if your life doesn’t turn to gold the instant you finish reading it, as it seems, at times, the author would like you to believe it should.

[Stef Garvin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Difficult emotions are difficult. Yet, for us to have a life we love, we need to be able to process the inevitable difficult emotions in a healthful way. This book provides the tools to do that. If... you're willing to face the challenge head on rather than retreat. This will be a book I will use as I forge ahead in creating a life I love. (Eight years ago, I was ready to end that life. It was through practices like this book teaches that I was able to turn my life around. Not easy. So worth it! )

[Paul Rubio · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had so many "Aha" moments while reading this book, which helped pinpoint how to respond to various issues in my life.

While some might not find this approach helpful, it resonated with me and my more introspective approach to circumstances.

There were some chapters I didn't latch on to as easily, as far as seeing their relevancy.

But overall, the book gave me many new perspectives on how to deal with feelings.

[Pedro Tardio Ascarrunz · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is not entirely what you'd expect of a self-help/healing book, it's actually quite pleasant to read and at times I'd identify a lot with some of the chapters in it. I have been in a healing journey for the past years and have felt and lived many of the situations illustrated in this book. I do feel it's a nice reminder that in the end all has it's flow, it comes and goes and eventually you will heal, all while maintaining a functional adult life.

[David · Rating 1 out of 5]

Tried audiobook of this. 30 minutes into the 8 hours and it was still just repeating the same generic introduction of the book. So much filler that it felt like listening/reading one of those bad-auto-generated websites that acts like it will have your answer but is just paragraph after paragraph of introduction (with ads) and never gets to the real content.

Didn't have the patience to waste more of my time on such drivel.

[Suzanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

The best book I’ve read on feelings. My go to feelings of anxious and afraid are too general and perhaps a cover up for the more difficult to feel feelings of: shame, embarrassment, helpless, vulnerable, disappointed, frustrated, sad and anger.
No wonder I’ve gotten stuck because until I can feel my real feelings they will keep looping back on me.

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best self help book I’ve ever read. She doesn’t waste time getting to the crux of many maladaptive patterns.
The statement that therapy is actually grieving and disguised grief is where so much of our suffering lies will help me through out the rest of my life to better understand myself and my emotions.
A must read for the human race.
Thank you for sharing your gift with the world.

[Emily Mellow · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's important, and also a little difficult. It feels like a valuable read, and one of those books that I probably would have gotten more out of reading the physical book rather than an audiobook. But I still found it helpful, like the idea that anxiety is actually caused by the avoidance of *other* difficult feelings.