The Limits of Hope: An Adoptive Mother's Story

by Ann Kimble Loux

"Adopting a child is an act of love. When that child is no longer an infant but has a history of abuse and neglect, integrating it into an existing family is a challenge. Loux tells the story of her family's decision to adopt two sisters removed from their alcoholic biological mother. The adoption agency refused to provide any history of the children's birth parents, though both girls had major psychosocial and genetic problems that caused great stress for the adoptive family. This personal account tells of Loux's attempt to raise these girls along with her three biological children. Unfortunately, it is full of self-pity and guilt. The most interesting part is the conclusion, where she suggests alternatives to traditional adoption for the care of troubled older children."―Library Journal

Genres: Adoption, Nonfiction, Memoir

280 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 1997

Reviews

[Melissa Detweiler · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really appreciate her candor in her reflections about raising adopted children. This was a good/hard read.

[Tammy · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's hard to rate this book because it was written in a completely different time in the foster care system than we're in today. Yes, I do think every foster parent should be aware of the very real troubles and complications that come with at risk kids, but I think there's a lot more help and awareness these days.

It's also hard to judge her parenting because I'm not in her shoes, but there were several times during the book where I just shook my head at the differences between how she raised her biological kids vs her adopted kids. I really think these girls would have done so much better in a home with no other children. at risk kids need your undivided attention and don't need to feel like they're constantly competing for your love.

Still, this book does open foster parent's eyes to the difficult side of the journey, but take her experiences with a grain of salt. Not all foster kids will have these experiences, though this is where they could end up if you don't intervene.

[pdxmaven · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is the not-pretty side of adoption, especially adoption of children who are not infants.
And adoption by parents who are essentially left to 'go it alone', without the support and resources of therapists who understand attachment. In 1974, Ann kimble and her husband, the biological parents of three boys, adopt two sisters, then ages three and 4. unbeknowst to the adoptive parents (but no surprise), they had already survived abuse and multiple foster placements. Twenty years later, their adoptive mother wrote this book, chronicaling the challenges and frustrations and unpleasant truths -- including prostituion, drug and alcohol addiction, school dropouts, lying, stealing, jail, mental hospitalizations, etc.. and the very negative effects on the biological children and their marriage as well.
Obviously, not an easy read. But especially sad because of the lack of support these parents had, which is no surprise given the lack of understanding in the field at the time that "love is not enough."
Their daughter Dawn is reported as scoring 81 on an IQ test. Their mother writes, "We didn't know the reason, whether the cause was malnutrition, her mother's alcoholism, genetics, or maybe a bad test day. The choices available to Dawn, compared with Jack [biological son], seemed unfair. page 99. And then later in the book, she attributes the girls' cognitive difficulties to difficulties with attachment: "Early difficulties with attachment are also connected with impaired cognitive abilities. Unattached children never gain sufficient confidence to become curious and explore and learn about their surroundings. Doubtless Margey's and Dawn's early experiences left them seriously disadvantaged in dealing with the demands of school." page 182
Knowing about FASD and adding that in to the IQ test and the descriptions of the girls throughout the book, FASD seems more than likely the underlying problem rather than attachment, espeiclaly of the cognitive issues -- another piece of the puzzle not at all fully understood in the late 70's and early 80's, and --apparently-- by 1997 when this book was written. Had it been understood, could have made a huge differece for everyone in this family.
Lent by AG. 266 pages.
another quote:
Dawn questions her mother on why she is not 'accepting' of her, and her (youthful) pregnancy. Her mother attempts to ever-used distinction between the behavior/choices and accepting the person, but it falls short and Dawn sees through it: "We do accept you and Charles and we'll accept the baby. But I can't say we're as excited or delighted as you want us to be. We just don't believe that all your problems are going to be solved by having a baby. Quite the contrary. But just because we don't agree with all your choices doesn't mean that we don't accept you."
[Dawn replies:] Charles's parents are all excited. And it isn't even their first grandchild. I just want to forget about everything and start all over."
[Their mother continues -- and again, she calls out a critical FASD characteristic but attributing it to 'just a difference' rather than understanding what a critical clue it is to Dawn's brain, and brain damage:] "You've always wanted us to forget everything and start over brand-new every day. And I sincerely wish we could--your approach is much better. My memory just doesn't work that way. Yours does. That's a big difference between us--we can't do much to change the way we remember." pages 189-190.

[Elizabeth Puntolillo · Rating 4 out of 5]

This excruciating memoir about adopting troubled youths is brutally honest, and well-written, making it a valuable read. I was torn between, "wow, this is what it looks like to adopt a psychopath," and "wow, this reads like a bullet list of how I would *not* have done things myself." But the author creates the space for that conflicting inner dialogue; it mirrors her own questions. The book delighted me by ending with a brief afterword suggesting that adoption is not the best course for attachment-disordered children, and that they would do better without the demands of family life placed on them. This is my personal opinion as well.

[Valerie Arsenault]

In 22 years of being a foster and adoptive parent, and reading countless books on these subjects, this is the ONLY ONE THAT TELLS THE TRUTH. I only wish I had read this before I adopted troubled children.. Love truly is not enough when you are dealing with genetically damaged children.Adoption is much more complex than people realize. READ THIS BOOK....

[Tania · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you plan on adopting/fostering older kids....I recommend you read this book and get into a established support group. And, understand your not alone !! I myself and family of five adopted three older kids...I also am a social worker and can do my job much better after reading this book and identifying with the author.

thank You

[Marylynn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I borrowed this from a friend who also adopted a sibling group as did we. We both decided we wouldn't seek this author out as a friend but her honesty is riveting. Thank goodness over the years we've had each other to share with. If you adopt a special needs child and you have no one to share the most difficult issues with you HAVE to read this.

[Nancy · Rating 2 out of 5]

I saw a Dateline special about this family, and the woman who wrote this book, Ann Loux. I read it for work. Interesting, but i'd have been more interested in knowing about the adoption laws and practices in Utah vs Indiana.

[Moi · Rating 4 out of 5]

a beautiful, aching memoir championing open adoption, written not long ago but still in the era when closed adoptions were the norm.

the author honesty and bravery is breathtaking, as she almost unflinchingly names and examines the dysfunctional adoptions that rent her own family.

[JoAnn · Rating 3 out of 5]

An honest story of a difficult life. There are limits and I appreciate her honesty in admitting them!