The DIY Guide to Building a Family that Lasts: 12 Tools for Improving Your Home Life

by Gary Chapman, Shannon Warden

Is it really possible to have the home life you want with the people you love?

The most exciting part of any home improvement show is the big reveal—that moment when a drab, run-down house becomes a breathtaking new home. What if you could have that with your home life?

That’s what the DIY Guide is all about. In it, you’ll find practical tools for transforming your home life and dramatically improving your family’s culture from Shannon Warden and Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times #1 Bestseller The 5 Love Languages®. Each chapter teaches you a new home life skill and pairs it with a home improvement metaphor that makes it fun and easy to remember.

You can’t hire a contractor for this work, but if you’re willing to put in the sweat equity (hard work), you’ll see results fast. Don’t wait any longer. Get started today and give your relational space the renovations it deserves.

Genres: Parenting, Relationships, Family, Nonfiction, Marriage, Christian Living, Childrens

240 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2019

About the author

Gary Demonte Chapman is an American author and radio talk show host. Chapman is most noted for his The Five Love Languages series regarding human relationships.

Reviews

[Iryna Khomchuk · Rating 4 out of 5]

Люблю цікаві метафори, тож ідею Ґері Чепмена порівняти зміцнення стосунків у родині з реновацією будинку оцінила. Проте автор наголошує: якщо відновлення домівки ми все-таки можемо доручити підрядникам, то відновленням щирих, довірливих стосунків у сім’ї доведеться займатися виключно самотужки. Тому й пропонує читачам покрокову інструкцію у стилі креативних наборів "Зроби сам" — якщо дотримуватися всіх порад і рекомендацій, а ще озброїтися цілеспрямованістю та впертістю, ти зрештою зможеш зібрати пазл/зробити опалення/розбити сад/зміцнити родину без допомоги зовні.

Але є одне "але": будь-які масштабні роботи складно провести самотужки. Отут і приховується головна перешкода для відбудови родини — цього мають хотіти всі домочадці: й чоловік із дружиною, і діти. Пропоновані авторами методики розраховані на усвідомлену залученість до процесу всіх його учасників. Неможливо скласти й виконати план із розваг (а є й такий крок зміцнення стосунків), якщо хтось хоче в зоопарк, інший — у кіно, а ще хтось — просто повалятися на дивані з телефоном у руках. Неможливо щиро проявляти доброту до всіх близьких, якщо у відповідь все одно отримуватимеш байдужість чи щось трошки менше за неї, бо іншим байдуже до твоїх планів реновації родини. Неможливо домовитися зі своєю подружньою половинкою про розбудову довірливих стосунків, якщо у вас їх майже немає, а разом ви лише тому, що маєте спільне житло/дітей/бізнес.

Я вірю Чепменові й Шеннон і їхньому досвіду щодо дієвості викладених у книзі порад і методик. Якщо вони працюють з кимось, то чому б їм не посприяти й вашим стосункам? Але для цього ці стосунки мають бути цінними для всієї родини, бо лише закотивши рукави цілою сімейною бригадою, вдасться й труби замінити, й світло провести, й шпалери переклеїти у домі, котрий називається "Родина".

[Shining Star · Rating 3 out of 5]

Vienintelis dalykas, kuris iš tiesų sužavėjo šioje knygoje, tai – aprašomų dalykų struktūravimas.

Iš pradžių knygą buvo tikrai įdomu skaityti, gerti informaciją į save, nors, atrodo, sakiniai, kurie yra rašomi, jau yra įstrigę pasąmonėje ir kažko naujo lyg ir nesužinojau.
Įpusėjus skaityti knygą pasidarė nebe taip įdomu, tad iš tikrųjų jos iki galo net neperskaičiau. Nežinau, ar rekomenduočiau. Tikriausiai, kad ne, bet pabandyt galbūt ir būtų verta.

[Nicole Jennings · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really enjoyed this book. Spent a lot of time with it. I read each chapter the. Broke it town and “taught” the concepts to my family during our family meetings. Some good practical suggestions and more importantly some great conversations starters with my husband and kids. A “healthy” home takes constant work and is so worth it!

[Tori · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is solidly in that category of self help books that really should have been just a blog post or two. There's so much fluff and filler here. I mentioned the thought when my husband read me the first few chapters, and he admitted that he was already trimming out some of it. So it was even worse than I thought. Within the filler we also find a ton of over the top cheesiness as the book goes hard for the home renovation metaphor, and several attempts to just sell you on reading some of Chapman's other published works.

I'm going to go ahead and spoil the "tools" he's advising here: Kindness, Gratitude, Love, Compromise, Forgiveness, Communication, Trust, Compassion, Patience, Organization, Fun, & Connection

These are obviously important things to have in your home, and you probably don't need this book to tell you that. But while you think the book might delve into how to achieve them, it really doesn't.

Let's look at the chapter on Trust:

"I intentionally didn't focus this chapter on control and trust between spouses. Spouses cannot and should not try to control one another. If you and your spouse are trying to micro-manage or dominate one another, it's time for serious communication. If you can't solve it, then call for the help of a counselor or pastor. controlling spouses are destroying their own marriages. In a healthy marriage, you must view each other as capable people with the right and the freedom to think and feel the way you want without the other person devaluing you or fighting you for control. If one or both of you has damaged the other person's trust, get serious about rebuilding trust. Trust is restored when you demonstrate that you are trustworthy. This will take time, but it is essential to marital health." (emphasis added)

Hey, if you're a couple who's struggling with trust, maybe, like, fix that. That's literally the full extent to which the book addresses the issue. (Oddly, it had several pages devoted to just listing various ways you could have fun. Wiffle ball, anyone?)

This book is too cheesy to be entertaining, and too shallow to be thought provoking. If it tried to be concise it might prove a good starting point, but it's so full of filler to make it qualify as a book that you're going to be bored to tears trying to finish it when the Biblestudy that started reading it falls apart and you being you have to finish it because how else could you rate it on Goodreads? (this is the third book in a year that I've read for those reasons) Worse, it's useless to anyone seriously searching for help if their home life is struggling.

[Luis Blázquez · Rating 3 out of 5]

Tiene ideas interesantes y muy pragmáticas. Aunque no son novedosas ayuda a la acción.

[Nathan Wagner · Rating 5 out of 5]

Here are my application points from this book.

1. Creating a "fun list" and making it visual. Having a list of "me fun," "couple fun." and "family fun." - This is obvious. I'm glad to be reminded of this.

2. Improving communication. Making sure our communication as a family is considerate, calm, clear, concise and consistent.

3. Cultivate love - Know and speak the 5 love languages.

I decided to pick out 3 application points and create a plan to apply them to my family. I've found this MUCH more effective than to try to apply "everything." When I try this I tend to do nothing.

There are many other application points, but these are a few that I've found. Thank you for some great insight and reminders.

[LA · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is an easy to follow guide for parents who are looking to implement spiritual concepts into their daily family life, mimicking Do It Yourself home renovation programs for any easy to understand layout or map for each discipline. Both authors have extensive careers in counseling and have drawn the similarity of literal home improvement to a transformation of your home life.
Each chapter is broken up into sections:
- Home Improvement Goal (what behaviour do you want to get rid of)
- Home Improvement Tool (replace that behaviour with this one)
- Drawing Up the Plans (what do you want to see changed/improved)
- Do-It-Yourself (modeling the behaviour you want to see exhibited)
- All in Budget (all family members must be committed)
- Sweat Equity (the effort and time it will take to implement change)
- Big Reveal (when it will be evident what you’ve been working on is working)

Topics covered include: Kindness, Gratitude, Love, Compromise, Forgiveness, Communication, Trust, Compassion, and Patience. Tools/Quizzes are provided at the back of the book to help parents implement the topics at home.
Some of the material that is touched on has been covered in more detail in other books written by Gary Chapman, so it almost felt like a review lesson for me since I’ve read a few of his other published works.
It’s an easy read, and more of a “toolbox” of items rather than a “how to” type of book, meaning you have to figure out how to implement what’s being written into your own family dynamic. Examples of parents struggling with the topic being covered in the individual chapters are from real life counseling sessions, or experiences from the authors themselves.
There wasn’t anything that jumped off the page at me as to something that was sensational or revolutionary that I could implement into my own parenting practices; though it was helpful to have everything neatly packaged into the groupings as mentioned above.
I received an ecopy from the publisher through NetGalley. All opinions expressed are my own.

[Victoria W. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dr. Chapman is a well familiar name when it comes to topics of love and relationship. So it really wasn't a surprise to see him and co-author Shannon Warden diving into the topic of family life and the 12 areas they felt were most represented by families looking for positive change in their homes.

The book itself follows a very reader friendly format. Comprised of 12 chapters (plus intro and epilogue) each chapter is broken down into an introduction, a planning section, diy, all-in section, review/sweat equity, reveal/conclusion, and questions for reflection. The break down makes each section easy to follow in its repetition and easy for reference once the book has been finished. Stylistically, I felt the authors found a good balance in their working styles, the material certainly reads as a unified front rather than two voices combating the issue on different fronts.

The material itself was interesting. In all honesty, there wasn't any new information within the text. Chapman and Warden have written a self-help guide filled with basic, common sense information so that a family needing help can access and implement the information without creating more issues. This book isn't meant to be a crisis recovery but rather a helping hand for families wanting home life to be more joyful and fulfilling in the everyday and they stay within that bracket well. I do feel as a result some chapters (namely the one on forgiveness) end up a little over simplified, I'm assuming they were operating under the idea that more complex families or those in crisis would be seeking a professional to help them nuance things into their own context.

Overall, it's a great little intro that's easy to read and gives some solid advice to the everyday family who wants to be more impactful in their day to day.


4 out of 5 stars


I received this book from Moody Publishing in exchange for my honest opinion, the views expressed are my own.

[Kay-Leigh · Rating 3 out of 5]

The authors of this self help DIY guide take their metaphor seriously.

Initially, I read meticulously and tried to extract value. And there certainly is value; be kind, be grateful, listen to others.

However, I feel that the family that will get the most value out of this book is one where there is not too much water under the bridge. Maybe a young couple who see each other as equals and want to avoid developing habits that might cause strain later. It is idealistic.

For a couple with kids who have all grown up in an unhealthy and potentially co-dependent environment, this band-aid will not be enough to magically 'remodel' the house. If you need counselling, this book is not going to do it. Go for counselling.

If you're wondering how to make a good marriage into a great one, this might have some useful tips.

I appreciate a book that refers me to other authors, experts and writings. In the Build Trust chapter, they mention Developmental Psychologist Erik Erikson. His writings on the stages of trust that every child moves through definitely caught my attention. They also mention Dreikurs and Adler who I am interested to follow up on.

The use of hashtags is bizarre #Imnotlaughing

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Have you read any of Gary Chapman's books yet? I read the 5 Love languages, then found the Five Love Languages For Children, and 101 Conversation Starters For Families. All of them made me pause and look at my relationships differently, and this book is making me look at my family life in a different way.
The DIY Guide to Building a Family that Lasts is broken down in chapters to address forgiveness, trust, resentment, anger, kindness, and having more fun as a family.
Start with the quiz at the back of the book, The Home Life Inspection Quiz. It invites you to be honest with how satisfied you are as an individual and as a family unit with the way you and your family handle things like trust, kindness, compassion, etc.
This book is great for couples and people with children. It addresses relationships as a whole, starting at the top and being a good model for the whole family as well.
I definitely need to add this one to my bookshelf after I return it to the library.
For those reviewers that said there was a lot of fluff, I always read books like this in a skim fashion. I skim to parts that apply to me and my family, read in detail, then skim some more. Each topic is split into very clear chapters to make it even easier to focus on what applies to you.

[Chantel · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book!!! It is for the parents who are looking to develop a more intentional life in this world full of technology, business and lack of connection. It was quick and easy to read with lots of application points. Some of my favorite aspect of it was the analogy he used throughout comparing the home atmosphere to that of a DIY home improvement project. That relation will make this an excellent book to read with your husband or in a small group book study! It helped even me look at these things with a better plan! The only thing I wish it had more of was relation to the Word of God. Although the points are biblical in nature, I prefer when a book actually links it’s ideas to God’s ultimate compass for our lives. But even with that piece largely missing, it was still an excellent read and one I would recommend- especially for you and your husband to read together!!!

[Taren Young · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think my low review might be more because I read the audiobook so some of the # remarks and switching between people's comments in the same narration hindered my experience.

The physical house analogy felt like extra to me. I liked the advice and wisdom the book had but did not like the diy home improvement package it was wrapped in.

I liked when the author said Your family will have more of whatever it practices.. conflict or compromise.
I always tell my kids your are practicing getting good at something, is it actually what you want to get good at?
As uncomfortable as conflict is to me, I absolutely see its relevance in a healthy relationship.

A great next step I took away is to have the 7 of our family write 2 things about someone different each day. In the end we will have a whole page to read over one another. This is definitely something our family could get better at!

[Reyna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sometimes people is more focused on how a home looks and not how it feels, I want to do it, to try to have a home with peace. Every family needs to forgive, trust, have compassion, and love. Gary Chapman is a favorite, everyone knows him because he thought us about the 5 love languages. It is so amazing to me to realize my children are going to remember certain things because we create or improve things at home. May God help us. Topics covered include Kindness, Gratitude, Love, Compromise, Forgiveness, Communication, Trust, Compassion, and Patience. Tools like Quizzes are provided at the end of the book which I find helpful to implement changes at home. It is a very very practical book. Chapters include useful sections:

[Rick · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received this book from the Amazon Vine program.

I wanted to read this book after having enjoyed the 5 Love Languages and 5 Love Languages for Teens. I liked this book, but not as much as either of those.

This book contains 12 tips on how to improve your family life. I suggest you read this with your spouse for best effect. I found each of the 12 tips to be good and useful, but for many of them I wanted more information. Surprisingly enough, only a few of them recommended further reading. There is an extensive bibliography at the end of the book.

Recommended.

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is broken down into manageable chapters covering key areas for successful family relationships. The majority I have already read and heard in regard to marriage but this was an interesting read because it also talks about the parent/child relationship. While my children are currently too young for most of it, I took copious notes to revisit down the track. It also served as a good reminder to keep my marriage healthy so that we are modelling these areas to our children. Hopefully by doing that, as they get older they'll naturally fall into the same habits.

[Michelle Castaneda · Rating 4 out of 5]

The DIY Guide to Building a Family that Lasts by Gary Chapman and Shannon Warden is a fabulous guide to renovating a family from the inside out. The authors focus on internal change and do so in such a beautiful way. This is just as much a marriage book as it is a family book. Marriage is the foundation of a family and the authors clearly understand that. Great book for families of all sizes. I received a digital copy of this book from the publisher with no obligations. These opinions are entirely my own.

[Amy Grochowski · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve never seen a DIY guide for improving family relationships like this one. Down-to-earth, common sense, humorous, and genius! I love how easy the 12 tools are to remember and apply in daily circumstances. This is an every day, every woman, every man guide to a happier home.

If you're looking for REAL ways to improve and grow your relationships with the most important people in your life, then this book is for you.

[Julia · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed this read! There were a lot of hands-on practical tools for basic family skills - communication, conflict resolution, love languages, etc. This book was very easy to read and enjoyable! There are a lot of similiarities to Dr. Chapman's other books, but it is still a worthwhile read - especially for anyone who is looking to improve their family life and relationships and isn't sure where to start!

[Jon Barr · Rating 4 out of 5]

Chapman's books never fail to bless me with immediately applicable steps for achieving an improved state. In this book, he and his co-author liken improving your family life to improving your home. His repeated and impactful refrain was that any improvement must start with you. DIY indeed means that if you need better communication, more fun, improved budgeting, etc, the onus is on you to start.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked this up in a thrift store but I'll probably donate it again. While the book has some good ideas, I found it a be light when it came to substance. While God was talked about it wasn't essential part of the book.
I ended up skimming parts of this book. While perhaps a good basic/starter tool for some, I found little in here that was helpful.

[Heidi Ciravola · Rating 4 out of 5]

While reading this is not an instant cure all for your family, it is however a wonderful guide for making improvements one step at a time. I would recommend working through this over the course of a year, tackling one chapter each month.

[adaynasmile · Rating 3 out of 5]

Many of the ideas in this book are very basic, but they are very helpful in bringing out possible trigger spots in our lives and families. This book provides some great suggestions on how to make practical changes in the family in order to improve relationships and the family life.

[Simon Wan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Practical and encouraging, which is what most parents need.

I appreciate the candour and practical tips. There is I believe cultural elements involved too. As as Asian parent, I will need to contextualise some of the applications. Good read.

[Frans Kempe · Rating 3 out of 5]

A DIY guide to building a healthy family. I think it could work best as a gift. The book touches on many topic which Chapman already has written about in lenght in other books. A kind of compact easy to read start in the topics. I enjoyed his other books more.

[Tammi Horne]

As a family i tried to figure out how to make our family bond stronger. To reduce the fighting and show consideration. This books help me with the struggle. Regardless if you have kids at home, I strongly recommend.

[Quinn Fforde · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent and engaging resource

[Brenda Seefeldt · Rating 3 out of 5]

Love Gary Chapman writing. Useful. Practical. This one has a theme of home improvement throughout. Clever with a lot of retread of earlier writing.

[Joanna Chester · Rating 2 out of 5]

The DIY portion of this book was essentially missing. It made for good discussions, though.

[Željko Filipin · Rating 4 out of 5]

How to have a better marriage and family in home improvement metaphors.

[Dovilė Pankevičienė · Rating 5 out of 5]

Įdomi paralelė su namų remontu, daug gerų įžvalgų.