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Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves: Transforming parent-child relationships from reaction and struggle to freedom, power and joy
An insightful and eloquent guide for parents who wish to raise their children with unconditional love, and empower them to be self-reliant, expressive, caring and able to form close human connections.
About the Author:
Naomi Aldort is a parenting and family counselor, writer and public speaker with clients on three continents. Her advice columns appear in parenting magazines around the world.
280 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2006
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 146 reviews
May 19, 2012
In reading parenting books, you rarely find one you'll agree with 100%. The trick really is to take the good and leave the bad. The book is a good book if the good outweighs the bad. Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves did contain quite a bit of good. However, it also contained, in my opinion, an awful lot of bad.
I'll start with the good this book had to offer. It is true that far too many people do not view children as people. Our society tends to place them somewhere around a well loved pet, not a fully formed person. For some reason, the trend has remained that magically at 18 a child becomes a person, capable of having their own opinions only at that magic point. However, that isn't as it should be. This book offers great perspective on treating children as persons, equal persons. Considering their needs and desires as you would the needs and desires of any other person in your life. I wish that message could be sung from the rooftops. Respect children! Treat them like people!
"Many small events... don't require solutions even if the child reacts with tears or rage." (p.100) What a great point! I don't have to rescue my child simply because they are upset. If I'm there, that is all that the child needs. It is not my job, place, or duty to "fix" everything for my child, even if they react negatively. I think that many parents fail to see the value in letting a child be mad and not trying to "fix" them being mad. This book was great at pointing out that children should be free to express all emotion, even negative emotion, and there isn't something you need to do in letting them express their emotions other than simply listen. "We cannot stop the rain for out children and it wouldn't be good for them if we could." (p.145)
I also found many of her communication techniques to work wonders. Simply listening and validating my children has been a big game changer around here. I am listening, I am there for them, but their feelings are their own. I feel that they've been owning their lives more and relying on me a bit less to provide them their happiness or solutions to their negative emotional state. I've noticed a particularly evident change in my older daughter (she's 6) that she feels more "at home" expressing herself these days, good or bad, and she doesn't blame others for her feelings so much. She's also gotten much better at her problem solving skills since I'm not jumping in with suggestions every time she encounters another child who doesn't want to play with her or some other disappointment.
So, there is a great amount of good that can come from this book if you have the particular ability to take the good and leave the bad. If you are one that fixates on what is wrong with a book, then this may not be the book for you.
Most of the personal stories given in the book seem outright fake. The interactions between parent and child or counselor and parent just don't feel real to me. Perhaps much was condensed so that the point was easily displayed, but the stories just didn't sit right with me.
I often felt Naomi Aldort went too far. That she had a good point and I was with her, until she went too much to the extreme and threw the point off a cliff. It seemed many of her points went from me nodding in agreement to saying, "Whoa Naomi! Too far. Too far!" I feel like I took her basic points and then had to throw the rest out of my head.
I felt like she was asking the impossible at times. I get that "power games" (where a child empties the garbage over and over while you pick it up while play acting that is is a big deal, but not trying to stop the child) can be a good tool for kids who are feeling a bit helpless, I just don't have the time or the energy to play anytime my kids says to. I cannot possibly come up with the energy to chase my 3 year old around every evening at bedtime so he can feel powerful. Often I just don't have the time for a game of throw the sippy cup on the floor. There were multiple point like that that could make a parent feel like a big, fat failure because they just can't do that today or right now.
Dr. Aldort and I also disagree on expectations. I know that my living room being relatively clean is my goal. Dr. Aldort feels that as such, it is my responsibility to keep it that way and should my child trash it, I can verbalize my wish that it be clean, but I cannot expect them to help clean it. In my world, family just doesn't work that way. We all have to pitch in and do what helps the whole. There are many goals that my children have that I help meet. Likewise, I expect their participation and cooperation with some of my goals. I don't expect them to steam clean the carpet or keep all the toys on the shelves at all times. I do expect that they pick up their own things when they are done with them and that they pitch in on family cleaning day for the good of all. Mom is not a slave. Community works when everyone works for all, not just when they personally see benefit.
I was also very confused when Dr. Aldort told me I should not praise my children. She seems to believe scolding nor praise should take place. Everything should be matter of fact and avoid trying to steer them on way or another. I want praise when I accomplish difficult things. I anticipate my children wanting the same. I think this is just one instance of Dr. Aldort throwing out the baby with the bathwater. Some people use praise to coerce their children toward certain things. So, no one should praise their children. I think that is very short sighted. I think praising a child in the things the child is proud of or does well is a good thing. And I can't imagine stopping myself from telling my daughter the picture she spent hours making is lovely because I don't want my daughter to think I only want her making such pictures. That's just silly.
So, if you can leave the bad and take the good, read this book- it will do you good. If you are one that fixates on the bad- avoid this book, you'll hate it. If you are a slightly insecure sort of parent who easily feels they fall short of expectations- avoid this book, it'll make you feel worse. If you can read her expectations and feel they are silly and not feel personally assaulted- the good in this book could outweigh the bad for you.
I'll start with the good this book had to offer. It is true that far too many people do not view children as people. Our society tends to place them somewhere around a well loved pet, not a fully formed person. For some reason, the trend has remained that magically at 18 a child becomes a person, capable of having their own opinions only at that magic point. However, that isn't as it should be. This book offers great perspective on treating children as persons, equal persons. Considering their needs and desires as you would the needs and desires of any other person in your life. I wish that message could be sung from the rooftops. Respect children! Treat them like people!
"Many small events... don't require solutions even if the child reacts with tears or rage." (p.100) What a great point! I don't have to rescue my child simply because they are upset. If I'm there, that is all that the child needs. It is not my job, place, or duty to "fix" everything for my child, even if they react negatively. I think that many parents fail to see the value in letting a child be mad and not trying to "fix" them being mad. This book was great at pointing out that children should be free to express all emotion, even negative emotion, and there isn't something you need to do in letting them express their emotions other than simply listen. "We cannot stop the rain for out children and it wouldn't be good for them if we could." (p.145)
I also found many of her communication techniques to work wonders. Simply listening and validating my children has been a big game changer around here. I am listening, I am there for them, but their feelings are their own. I feel that they've been owning their lives more and relying on me a bit less to provide them their happiness or solutions to their negative emotional state. I've noticed a particularly evident change in my older daughter (she's 6) that she feels more "at home" expressing herself these days, good or bad, and she doesn't blame others for her feelings so much. She's also gotten much better at her problem solving skills since I'm not jumping in with suggestions every time she encounters another child who doesn't want to play with her or some other disappointment.
So, there is a great amount of good that can come from this book if you have the particular ability to take the good and leave the bad. If you are one that fixates on what is wrong with a book, then this may not be the book for you.
Most of the personal stories given in the book seem outright fake. The interactions between parent and child or counselor and parent just don't feel real to me. Perhaps much was condensed so that the point was easily displayed, but the stories just didn't sit right with me.
I often felt Naomi Aldort went too far. That she had a good point and I was with her, until she went too much to the extreme and threw the point off a cliff. It seemed many of her points went from me nodding in agreement to saying, "Whoa Naomi! Too far. Too far!" I feel like I took her basic points and then had to throw the rest out of my head.
I felt like she was asking the impossible at times. I get that "power games" (where a child empties the garbage over and over while you pick it up while play acting that is is a big deal, but not trying to stop the child) can be a good tool for kids who are feeling a bit helpless, I just don't have the time or the energy to play anytime my kids says to. I cannot possibly come up with the energy to chase my 3 year old around every evening at bedtime so he can feel powerful. Often I just don't have the time for a game of throw the sippy cup on the floor. There were multiple point like that that could make a parent feel like a big, fat failure because they just can't do that today or right now.
Dr. Aldort and I also disagree on expectations. I know that my living room being relatively clean is my goal. Dr. Aldort feels that as such, it is my responsibility to keep it that way and should my child trash it, I can verbalize my wish that it be clean, but I cannot expect them to help clean it. In my world, family just doesn't work that way. We all have to pitch in and do what helps the whole. There are many goals that my children have that I help meet. Likewise, I expect their participation and cooperation with some of my goals. I don't expect them to steam clean the carpet or keep all the toys on the shelves at all times. I do expect that they pick up their own things when they are done with them and that they pitch in on family cleaning day for the good of all. Mom is not a slave. Community works when everyone works for all, not just when they personally see benefit.
I was also very confused when Dr. Aldort told me I should not praise my children. She seems to believe scolding nor praise should take place. Everything should be matter of fact and avoid trying to steer them on way or another. I want praise when I accomplish difficult things. I anticipate my children wanting the same. I think this is just one instance of Dr. Aldort throwing out the baby with the bathwater. Some people use praise to coerce their children toward certain things. So, no one should praise their children. I think that is very short sighted. I think praising a child in the things the child is proud of or does well is a good thing. And I can't imagine stopping myself from telling my daughter the picture she spent hours making is lovely because I don't want my daughter to think I only want her making such pictures. That's just silly.
So, if you can leave the bad and take the good, read this book- it will do you good. If you are one that fixates on the bad- avoid this book, you'll hate it. If you are a slightly insecure sort of parent who easily feels they fall short of expectations- avoid this book, it'll make you feel worse. If you can read her expectations and feel they are silly and not feel personally assaulted- the good in this book could outweigh the bad for you.
December 2, 2009
I just reread this. I found it more helpful now that my daughter is older than when I read it previously. It definitely gave me some new ideas about how to deal with my daughter's anger and hatred. However, I still found a lot of the advice unrealistic. I would love to never have to take my daughter on errands when she didn't want to go, drop everything I need to do around the house to attend to her desire for my company, etc..., but I don't know how to balance that with having food available, a sanitary living environment, etc... and this book doesn't address that. The author argues that this is how we treat the adults in our lives, but I certainly wouldn't leave my commitments to my household to go hang out with a friend - and have declined for those reasons. Still, I like it in that it challenges me to find more ways to say yes, to be connected, etc... I just wish it focused on how to do this while finding ways to meet everyone's needs, not just the kid's.
July 29, 2011
I read this back when my oldest was very young and it seemed chock full of hurtful ideology that made the mother nothing but a guilt-riddled self-denying martyr and the child a slave to his or her own whims. I put it aside, cringing a little at her harsh tone. Then recently a friend informed me that Aldort had falsified her credentials and was a fraud. There's a lot more information on this blog:
It's a three part investigative series that proves without a doubt that Naomi Aldort has deliberately deceived her readers.
I hope this information is useful to anyone else who has been hurt by Aldort's misguided advice.
It's a three part investigative series that proves without a doubt that Naomi Aldort has deliberately deceived her readers.
I hope this information is useful to anyone else who has been hurt by Aldort's misguided advice.
September 8, 2011
Aldort has some good points and suggestions, but this wouldn't be a parenting book if it didn't come across as a little self-indulgent and heavy handed. I took a lot away from reading it, but much of it seems unrealistic and unfounded. The worst part being, of course, the rather stilted but supposedly real dialogue between parents and kids. It's worth reading, but make the suggestions work for you, don't just take it as a parenting bible.
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April 17, 2009This book was amazing and totally changed the way I respond to relationships in my life, be it my husband, children or friends. A wonderful book!
January 11, 2018
Tek kelimeyle harika bir kitap. Çocuğumuza nasıl davranmamız gerektiği ile ilgili sunduğu bakış açısı insancıl, mantıklı ve tam da olması gerektiği duygusu uyandırıyor.
April 1, 2014
I think it's a little too far in one direction for me. I parent with compassion and I don't coerce and bribe or guilt my kids, but I also do set limits. I don't have time to play a power game in which I pick up all of my recycling 24 times until my kid is fulfilled.
May 7, 2008
So helpful for helping our children--and ourselves--handle our emotions.
March 26, 2012
So far it's all right. I think it has a lot of valid points regarding not shutting kids down. She promotes letting kids express themselves, and validating their emotions instead of getting caught up in your own reaction. I think it's a complicated relationship... you don't want to create combative situations with children, but you also want them to do things like eat their dinner... I'm confused.
----Finished reading---
I'm passing it on to my sister, who is rethinking her parenting strategy in terms of controlling behaviours. I'll be curious what she has to say about the book as it will be less theoretical for her (she has a son).
In general, I found the book to be pretty great. There are so many valid points about raising autonomous children who don't act out of guilt, but love.
I agree with most of her points about respecting the desires of children, and about being there for them... but it would really require a stay-at-home parent.
I really enjoy her S.A.L.V.E. technique in that it focuses on listening to the child and acknowledging their feelings instead of telling them that things are 'okay'. She puts a lot of emphasis on a child's ability to work through stress/difficulty, and the importance of that. We are not here to deny feelings by telling them that things are okay, or to fix problems for them. We need to be raising autonomous individuals who can recognize that a difficult situation is not the end of the world.
The one sticking point me, is the idea that a child does not have to clean up their own mess. I understand the point of power play, making a game out of a situation where a child keeps throwing the lego all over the floor (it's important for them to feel powerful sometimes, and it's better for that to happen in the home rather than out of it). However, she suggests that we should just state our feelings, "I feel upset that the milk is all over the floor. I'd love if you'd help me clean it up." If the child says no, we are supposed to respect that. She feels that we wouldn't want the child to help us out of guilt, but to approach cleaning from a loving place. She suggests that cleaning out of guilt would create an unhealthy connection with cleaning, and a feeling of shame/unsafeness around the parent.
In the end, I understand where she's coming from, I just don't know that I'd be okay with letting a child say no to cleaning up their own mess (dependent on age, of course).
----Finished reading---
I'm passing it on to my sister, who is rethinking her parenting strategy in terms of controlling behaviours. I'll be curious what she has to say about the book as it will be less theoretical for her (she has a son).
In general, I found the book to be pretty great. There are so many valid points about raising autonomous children who don't act out of guilt, but love.
I agree with most of her points about respecting the desires of children, and about being there for them... but it would really require a stay-at-home parent.
I really enjoy her S.A.L.V.E. technique in that it focuses on listening to the child and acknowledging their feelings instead of telling them that things are 'okay'. She puts a lot of emphasis on a child's ability to work through stress/difficulty, and the importance of that. We are not here to deny feelings by telling them that things are okay, or to fix problems for them. We need to be raising autonomous individuals who can recognize that a difficult situation is not the end of the world.
The one sticking point me, is the idea that a child does not have to clean up their own mess. I understand the point of power play, making a game out of a situation where a child keeps throwing the lego all over the floor (it's important for them to feel powerful sometimes, and it's better for that to happen in the home rather than out of it). However, she suggests that we should just state our feelings, "I feel upset that the milk is all over the floor. I'd love if you'd help me clean it up." If the child says no, we are supposed to respect that. She feels that we wouldn't want the child to help us out of guilt, but to approach cleaning from a loving place. She suggests that cleaning out of guilt would create an unhealthy connection with cleaning, and a feeling of shame/unsafeness around the parent.
In the end, I understand where she's coming from, I just don't know that I'd be okay with letting a child say no to cleaning up their own mess (dependent on age, of course).
February 12, 2012
Naomi Aldort's parenting advice in Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves is for everyone who seeks to authentically show their children how much they love them by treating them with dignity and respect. Most useful to me is Aldort's "S.A.L.V.E." formula, which is a method of communication with your child (really, I think it would be useful in any relationship) wherein you do the following:
S = Separate yourself from your child's behavior and emotions with a Silent Self-Talk. The key idea here is to think before you act.
A = Turn you Attention to your child.
L = Listen to what your child is saying or to what his actions may be indicating.
V = Validate your child's feelings and the needs he expresses without dramatizing and without adding your own perception.
E = Empower your child to resolve his own upset by getting out of his way and trusting him. I, however, would find it more useful to Empower your child to resolve his own upset by Exploring the options for resolve together.
I have been using this formula with my 3 year old, and it really helps me to be more patient and more loving in situations where I might otherwise overreact and thereby induce fear and diminished self-worth in my child; conversely, trust and self-confidence are increased when I react in this manner.
Adolrt further expounds on the S.A.L.V.E. formula as she discusses the five primary needs of children: love, self-expression, emotional safety, autonomy and power, and self-confidence. I find her many examples used throughout the book helpful illustrations of interactions between parent and child.
Two criticisms of this book: 1. Some ideas Aldort proposes are unrealistic, but that's okay because I would be a fool to live by any parenting book, and 2. Aldort places so much blame on parents for children turning out negatively, yet the entire premise of the book is to not control or manipulate children, so if you cannot control them, then you certainly cannot control how they turn out as adults. However, I love the premise of not controlling children but treating them as an individuals of great worth--that concept falls right in line with my religious beliefs in agency and the worth of souls. Overall, this is a very useful parenting book that I will likely read again.
S = Separate yourself from your child's behavior and emotions with a Silent Self-Talk. The key idea here is to think before you act.
A = Turn you Attention to your child.
L = Listen to what your child is saying or to what his actions may be indicating.
V = Validate your child's feelings and the needs he expresses without dramatizing and without adding your own perception.
E = Empower your child to resolve his own upset by getting out of his way and trusting him. I, however, would find it more useful to Empower your child to resolve his own upset by Exploring the options for resolve together.
I have been using this formula with my 3 year old, and it really helps me to be more patient and more loving in situations where I might otherwise overreact and thereby induce fear and diminished self-worth in my child; conversely, trust and self-confidence are increased when I react in this manner.
Adolrt further expounds on the S.A.L.V.E. formula as she discusses the five primary needs of children: love, self-expression, emotional safety, autonomy and power, and self-confidence. I find her many examples used throughout the book helpful illustrations of interactions between parent and child.
Two criticisms of this book: 1. Some ideas Aldort proposes are unrealistic, but that's okay because I would be a fool to live by any parenting book, and 2. Aldort places so much blame on parents for children turning out negatively, yet the entire premise of the book is to not control or manipulate children, so if you cannot control them, then you certainly cannot control how they turn out as adults. However, I love the premise of not controlling children but treating them as an individuals of great worth--that concept falls right in line with my religious beliefs in agency and the worth of souls. Overall, this is a very useful parenting book that I will likely read again.
October 18, 2021
This book has a lot of valid points. Its a good read, but not to be taken seriously...
I think any parent should take time with their kids instead of reading "how-to-raise-your-child" books.
Take a walk at the park, its much more valuable.
We are a generation grown up with tecnology, and used to "how-to" books an manual. We are a generation of parents who want to make everythig "perfect" for aour children.
Well, its time to accept the fact - there is no "manual" about raising a child. No one has to give us instructions, no one should give us instructions.
We cant be "perfect", its ok to make mistakes. Time to face it, cry about it or whatever and move on.
I think any parent should take time with their kids instead of reading "how-to-raise-your-child" books.
Take a walk at the park, its much more valuable.
We are a generation grown up with tecnology, and used to "how-to" books an manual. We are a generation of parents who want to make everythig "perfect" for aour children.
Well, its time to accept the fact - there is no "manual" about raising a child. No one has to give us instructions, no one should give us instructions.
We cant be "perfect", its ok to make mistakes. Time to face it, cry about it or whatever and move on.
February 11, 2013
Based on the principles of attachment parenting this book may be challenging for some parents - but there are good lessons and strategies to be taken from Aldort's book. My hope is that parents are willing to "raise themselves" and become aware of their own limitations and projections which hinder their ability to raise a self-connected child. Few adults have been parented in the way Aldort sets out in this book. It holds promise for those seeking a different paradigm in which to raise their own children.
May 11, 2011
I only made it through the first few chapters and then skimmed the rest. There are definitely some helpful insights in this book, but for the most part I found the hyper-analysis of situations/interactions exhausting and the dialogues that were supposedly based on real-life seemed cheesy and implausible.
September 7, 2010
This is the single best parenting book I have ever read. Kind of new-age-ish, but that is my style. Life changing.
January 24, 2011
This is one of the parenting books that I will reread every year or so just to remind myself how to be a good parent. This book is really filled with great advice which I couldn't agree more.
December 11, 2010
This is an extremely confronting, thought-provoking and doubt-inducing parenting book. If things are going great with your kids and your parenting, don't read it. But if you're in need of an attitude adjustment and a new way of looking at living with kids you might give this a try. It presents a radically different way of living with kids than the conventional wisdom dicatates in regards to discipline, rules, and communicating with kids. I am unable and unwilling to adopt Aldort's view exactly as presented but there really are some gems in this book that make it worth reading. If you do read it, I'd LOVE to know what you think.
September 14, 2009
Be loyal to your kids. Be a badass defender of your kids. Dont systematically undermine your kids. Funny that we should need a book to tell us this but in this culture we really do. Aldort is a badass mom who totally makes you listen to your gut and helps you to part with those furtive modes of violence that your learned from your own parents and from teachers growing up. revolutionize your parenting and make the world a better place for yourself, your kid and everybody else.
February 24, 2010
I really enjoyed this book. While I did not agree with everything in it, found it thought provoking. It facilitated insights into some of my own parenting behaviors, how my own history effects my reactions to my children, and helped me to feel more choiceful about my parenting choices. I took notes while reading this and am continuing to explore myself and my reactions related to some of the authors discussions. Really, what more can you ask for from a parenting book.
November 27, 2007
This is a good book about learning to shut up and listen to your kids and learn how to teach them the way you really want to. While things aren't addressed perfectly, there are many good ideas and the stories can be helpful. A great conversation starter at a book club. Be a peaceful parent. :)
July 24, 2008
Probably the best parenting book I have ever read! Her concepts are similar to Marshall Rosenberg's or Alfie Kohn's, but as a therapist herself, she gives plenty of concrete examples. I wish I had read it when pregnant with my first child.
November 29, 2018
Me gusta el discurso del libro, aunque una cosa es la teoría y otra la vida real; pero si es verdad que para educar niñ@s siempre es mejor con AMOR que con cualquier otra cosa, pero hay que pararse y pensar mucho antes de actuar, lo cual no es siempre posible
December 31, 2018
Ohledně téhle knížky jsem hrozně rozpolcená. S některými myšlenkami strašně moc souhlasím a s některými vůbec. Spousta věcí takhle podle mě vůbec nefunguje, ale k přečtení a zamyšlení je to docela dobrý materiál.
May 21, 2020
You come home from a long, hard day at the country club and find that your child has murdered the family pets and scattered limbs and eyeballs all over your overpriced, matching living room set. And this just before important dinner guests arrive! Knowing that there is nothing your child can do that would cause you to lose love for your child, you take a moment, breathe deeply and imagine yourself unattached to any outcome, not needing any response from your child other than that they be exactly who they are and feel exactly what they feel in this moment. Lovingly, you affirm him as his head rotates 360 degrees and a line of projectile vomit launches into your face.
Welcome to the cult of childhood. Described here as a "new experiment in parenting where no party holds power over the other."
Is it healthy to have your child's entire upbringing be one long therapy session wherein they can say and do nothing "wrong" including miming and play-acting the violent deaths of siblings, parents, and neighbors? Deliberately and repeatedly ruining your work, chores, and possessions? Has there ever been a point in history wherein this would even be a question?
The therapy, btw, is for you, the parent, working through the horrible crimes your parents committed against you by not following this formula. Not for the child.
There is no research here. There is no science. There aren't even any adults raised in her "method" to speak to the veracity of her claims. There's just cult-leader telling you the One and Onlyth way to raise your kids is here, invented by none other than her, and don't you want to be part of her revolution in childrearing? ALL YOURS FOR THE LOW, LOW price of 300 dollars/hour for her personalized therapy sessions. (That's not made up, by the way. She really charges that.)
Without ever specifically mentioning race, this is one of the most white-privaledgy books I've ever read. Recommends things like reassuring your kid with "I just need a session with my therapist now." (Read: Ka-CHING-ga!)
It attributes ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING THAT CAN GO WRONG in a child's life to mis-parenting. With no deviation for personality type, physiological or mental disability, effects of trauma, or the strains that arise from geo-political shifts or natural disasters. NOPE! Read this and be entered into the CULT OF CHILDHOOD.
So it's great if you're looking to guilt yourself for failing your kids, and even better if you're looking to find new ways to hate your parents for failing you. Do you have a phobia? Depression? Debilitating laziness? ANYTHING AT ALL that can go wrong is YOUR PARENT'S FAULT FOR NOT MAKING YOU FEEL SAFE AND UNDERSTOOD AT ALL TIMES.
I admit to googling to see if her kid turned out to be a serial killer, but it seems like this system worked for him-- he's done well as a child prodigy cellist, and he hasn't made any public statement about how his mother messed him up. But-- I honestly did wonder.
And-- edit that-- she actually has three children. Two of whom mysteriously don't show up anywhere on the Internet. Negative me would immediately assume they have major life problems as a direct result of terrible parenting, or that they are both the family black sheep for failing to bring honor to this wacko system. I do know there are other, more benign possibilities for their absence-- other than that they hate her or that she hates them. But . . . questions.
Also, apparently there was a forum thread that had research about her claims and her qualifications and that has also been mysteriously blocked and erased. Questions.
---
Advice from this book:
"Grant your child innocence and think twice before making any request. If your toddler comes in the house with muddy shoes and walks across the carpet, she has no awareness of any problem. You can simply state the facts: 'Your shoes have mud on them. Let me take them off for you.' Then clean the carpet.
"When we start cleaning the carpet, a toddler may or may not choose to help. It does not matter if she participates in the cleaning. Coercing or insisting that she help will only lead to feelings of failure, resentment, and guilt. These painful feelings prevent the development of an authentic desire to be helpful. On the other hand, watching us clean while feeling good about herself, or leaving happily and finding it clean later, allows the child to absorb our ways and eventually choose freely to participate with us. If your toddler offers to help, allow her to assist you without criticizing, helping, or cleaning up after her in her presence."
"No matter how gently or 'cooperatively' one establishes punishments, time-outs, or consequences, each method incurs a cost-- one we are often unaware of until, sometimes years later, the child demonstrates a lack of authenticity or assertiveness, depression, addictions, violence, or self-destructive behavior. A child cannot experience the parent's love while being controlled by him/her. Instead, she becomes dependent yet isolated and will later need to control others in passive or active ways."
Note again that there is absolutely no research done here, or adult testimonials of how great it was to be raised this way. Except for examples like this one:
Terry asked Mom to read him a book. "I am going to pick up the checkers game off the floor and then I will read to you," said Mom.
"Oh no, Mom," Terry whined. "Read to me now."
"I know you like me to read to you right away. I will be quick," said Mom.
Terry stamped his feet and said, "I hate you."
"Yes, I know," said his mom while finishing collecting the game.
After reading, Dad invited the family to eat lunch.
"I want Mom to make my sandwich," declared Terry.
"I thought you hated her," said Dad.
"That was then," responded Terry as a matter of fact."
That's the whole example. That's the whole proof of parents being 'emotionally safe' for their child. Problem: in this and many other examples the kid is being objectively horrid, (destroying other people's work, physically lashing out or injuring them, having to be forcibly removed from classroom situations) and generally behaving in ways that no adult can hope to maintain relationships if they have this as as set of expectations. It just feels like setting your kid up for spectacular failure while blaming your own parents for any negative emotions that go through your head.
When my oldest son, Yonatan, was six, he chose to take part in a summer art class. When I arrived to pick him up at the end of class, I looked into the room and Yonatan wasn't there. To my astonishment the teacher said that Yonatan had been disturbing the class and that she had sent him to the secretary's office upstairs.
As I started toward the stairs I heard my son's cheerful voice on his way down, talking happily to the secretary. When Yonatan saw me he said, 'I had a great time, Mom. I played with Tina in the office."
"Why did you go to the office?" I asked.
"I was painting a picture and the teacher disturbed me. She wanted me to stop and listen to a story and she said that after the story I would be doing another picture. I wanted to keep painting the first picture so she said to go to the office. I don't want to go to the art class again. I can paint at home without interruptions."
That's the whole story. It is being held up, unironically, as an example of the kind of self-confidence we all need to be instilling in our children.
But suppose, just suppose, you actually hope your child will be able to participate in a classroom setting WITHOUT being justifiably sent to the office? Suppose, just suppose, you DON'T have the kind of loose change that would allow you to let your child ditch ART LESSONS after you've paid for them? Suppose, just suppose, you were able to muster up some semblance of empathy for POOR TINA IN THE OFFICE WHO HAD TO SPEND THE DAY PLAYING WITH YOUR DYSFUNCTIONAL BRAT instead of doing her actual job?
I wanted to like this book for a calm, hopeful approach to parenting. I got a book by and for Queen Karens who fully intend to berate their child's employer for not fully emotionally supporting the useless human being they have foisted on the rest of the world.
Welcome to the cult of childhood. Described here as a "new experiment in parenting where no party holds power over the other."
Is it healthy to have your child's entire upbringing be one long therapy session wherein they can say and do nothing "wrong" including miming and play-acting the violent deaths of siblings, parents, and neighbors? Deliberately and repeatedly ruining your work, chores, and possessions? Has there ever been a point in history wherein this would even be a question?
The therapy, btw, is for you, the parent, working through the horrible crimes your parents committed against you by not following this formula. Not for the child.
There is no research here. There is no science. There aren't even any adults raised in her "method" to speak to the veracity of her claims. There's just cult-leader telling you the One and Onlyth way to raise your kids is here, invented by none other than her, and don't you want to be part of her revolution in childrearing? ALL YOURS FOR THE LOW, LOW price of 300 dollars/hour for her personalized therapy sessions. (That's not made up, by the way. She really charges that.)
Without ever specifically mentioning race, this is one of the most white-privaledgy books I've ever read. Recommends things like reassuring your kid with "I just need a session with my therapist now." (Read: Ka-CHING-ga!)
It attributes ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING THAT CAN GO WRONG in a child's life to mis-parenting. With no deviation for personality type, physiological or mental disability, effects of trauma, or the strains that arise from geo-political shifts or natural disasters. NOPE! Read this and be entered into the CULT OF CHILDHOOD.
So it's great if you're looking to guilt yourself for failing your kids, and even better if you're looking to find new ways to hate your parents for failing you. Do you have a phobia? Depression? Debilitating laziness? ANYTHING AT ALL that can go wrong is YOUR PARENT'S FAULT FOR NOT MAKING YOU FEEL SAFE AND UNDERSTOOD AT ALL TIMES.
I admit to googling to see if her kid turned out to be a serial killer, but it seems like this system worked for him-- he's done well as a child prodigy cellist, and he hasn't made any public statement about how his mother messed him up. But-- I honestly did wonder.
And-- edit that-- she actually has three children. Two of whom mysteriously don't show up anywhere on the Internet. Negative me would immediately assume they have major life problems as a direct result of terrible parenting, or that they are both the family black sheep for failing to bring honor to this wacko system. I do know there are other, more benign possibilities for their absence-- other than that they hate her or that she hates them. But . . . questions.
Also, apparently there was a forum thread that had research about her claims and her qualifications and that has also been mysteriously blocked and erased. Questions.
---
Advice from this book:
"Grant your child innocence and think twice before making any request. If your toddler comes in the house with muddy shoes and walks across the carpet, she has no awareness of any problem. You can simply state the facts: 'Your shoes have mud on them. Let me take them off for you.' Then clean the carpet.
"When we start cleaning the carpet, a toddler may or may not choose to help. It does not matter if she participates in the cleaning. Coercing or insisting that she help will only lead to feelings of failure, resentment, and guilt. These painful feelings prevent the development of an authentic desire to be helpful. On the other hand, watching us clean while feeling good about herself, or leaving happily and finding it clean later, allows the child to absorb our ways and eventually choose freely to participate with us. If your toddler offers to help, allow her to assist you without criticizing, helping, or cleaning up after her in her presence."
"No matter how gently or 'cooperatively' one establishes punishments, time-outs, or consequences, each method incurs a cost-- one we are often unaware of until, sometimes years later, the child demonstrates a lack of authenticity or assertiveness, depression, addictions, violence, or self-destructive behavior. A child cannot experience the parent's love while being controlled by him/her. Instead, she becomes dependent yet isolated and will later need to control others in passive or active ways."
Note again that there is absolutely no research done here, or adult testimonials of how great it was to be raised this way. Except for examples like this one:
Terry asked Mom to read him a book. "I am going to pick up the checkers game off the floor and then I will read to you," said Mom.
"Oh no, Mom," Terry whined. "Read to me now."
"I know you like me to read to you right away. I will be quick," said Mom.
Terry stamped his feet and said, "I hate you."
"Yes, I know," said his mom while finishing collecting the game.
After reading, Dad invited the family to eat lunch.
"I want Mom to make my sandwich," declared Terry.
"I thought you hated her," said Dad.
"That was then," responded Terry as a matter of fact."
That's the whole example. That's the whole proof of parents being 'emotionally safe' for their child. Problem: in this and many other examples the kid is being objectively horrid, (destroying other people's work, physically lashing out or injuring them, having to be forcibly removed from classroom situations) and generally behaving in ways that no adult can hope to maintain relationships if they have this as as set of expectations. It just feels like setting your kid up for spectacular failure while blaming your own parents for any negative emotions that go through your head.
When my oldest son, Yonatan, was six, he chose to take part in a summer art class. When I arrived to pick him up at the end of class, I looked into the room and Yonatan wasn't there. To my astonishment the teacher said that Yonatan had been disturbing the class and that she had sent him to the secretary's office upstairs.
As I started toward the stairs I heard my son's cheerful voice on his way down, talking happily to the secretary. When Yonatan saw me he said, 'I had a great time, Mom. I played with Tina in the office."
"Why did you go to the office?" I asked.
"I was painting a picture and the teacher disturbed me. She wanted me to stop and listen to a story and she said that after the story I would be doing another picture. I wanted to keep painting the first picture so she said to go to the office. I don't want to go to the art class again. I can paint at home without interruptions."
That's the whole story. It is being held up, unironically, as an example of the kind of self-confidence we all need to be instilling in our children.
But suppose, just suppose, you actually hope your child will be able to participate in a classroom setting WITHOUT being justifiably sent to the office? Suppose, just suppose, you DON'T have the kind of loose change that would allow you to let your child ditch ART LESSONS after you've paid for them? Suppose, just suppose, you were able to muster up some semblance of empathy for POOR TINA IN THE OFFICE WHO HAD TO SPEND THE DAY PLAYING WITH YOUR DYSFUNCTIONAL BRAT instead of doing her actual job?
I wanted to like this book for a calm, hopeful approach to parenting. I got a book by and for Queen Karens who fully intend to berate their child's employer for not fully emotionally supporting the useless human being they have foisted on the rest of the world.
April 9, 2020
Özellikle madde madde yazdığı kısımlar zihine kazınmalı, bastırıp evin duvarına asılmalı.
January 23, 2011
Naomi Aldort's Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves is a must-read for any parent. The thrust of the book is that children deserve the same respect and understanding that we give to adults. But then it's jam-packed with information on how to do that, even when everything looks absolutely hopeless. And with real-world examples that show just how well that respect actually works, it's easy to see why giving your children this respect works so much better in the long run than the disciplinarian and controlling parenting that me and most of my peers grew up with.
Her SALVE formula encompasses just how to treat your children:
Separate yourself from your child's emotions with self-talk. What the hell is self-talk? You know, when your toddler throws the blocks all over the room and your first reaction is, "Damn it! I don't want to clean that up again. Get over there and pick them up!" ... well, you say that to yourself instead of out loud. Acting like that isn't true to your own nature, nor is it the way you really feel about your child.
Attention on your child - once you've let your own emotions pass, put your attention on your child.
Listen to what your child is saying. What he/she is saying might be just as much with body language as it is with words. Why is he acting like that? What made her so upset. Pay attention to what your child is really trying to communicate to you.
Validate your child's feelings. I really learned something in this part - validating feelings is just that. You express that you understand that the child feels the way he/she does. You don't negate the emotion. You don't add to it. You just express that you see that your child feels hurt. Or angry. Or frustrated. Or whatever. It isn't your place to determine whether this is the correct emotion to feel. That takes your child's autonomy away.
Empower your child to work through those emotions by stepping back and getting out of the way. Talk about parenting! It's not up to you to solve her problems or get him out of trouble. Your child has much more capability than you suspect (I've learned this through experience with my own children). If they need help, they'll ask. Otherwise, trust that your child can work it out.
That alone makes this book worth reading. The book covers how to apply that formula to your child and his own special needs.
Another highlight of this book is that Aldort makes the distinction between how you or your child feels with how you really are. Emotions do not make a person. A person is made up of their thoughts and actions, while emotions are fleeting. And in Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, you will learn how to keep your emotions from damaging the wonderful parenting skills inherent within you.
Her SALVE formula encompasses just how to treat your children:
Separate yourself from your child's emotions with self-talk. What the hell is self-talk? You know, when your toddler throws the blocks all over the room and your first reaction is, "Damn it! I don't want to clean that up again. Get over there and pick them up!" ... well, you say that to yourself instead of out loud. Acting like that isn't true to your own nature, nor is it the way you really feel about your child.
Attention on your child - once you've let your own emotions pass, put your attention on your child.
Listen to what your child is saying. What he/she is saying might be just as much with body language as it is with words. Why is he acting like that? What made her so upset. Pay attention to what your child is really trying to communicate to you.
Validate your child's feelings. I really learned something in this part - validating feelings is just that. You express that you understand that the child feels the way he/she does. You don't negate the emotion. You don't add to it. You just express that you see that your child feels hurt. Or angry. Or frustrated. Or whatever. It isn't your place to determine whether this is the correct emotion to feel. That takes your child's autonomy away.
Empower your child to work through those emotions by stepping back and getting out of the way. Talk about parenting! It's not up to you to solve her problems or get him out of trouble. Your child has much more capability than you suspect (I've learned this through experience with my own children). If they need help, they'll ask. Otherwise, trust that your child can work it out.
That alone makes this book worth reading. The book covers how to apply that formula to your child and his own special needs.
Another highlight of this book is that Aldort makes the distinction between how you or your child feels with how you really are. Emotions do not make a person. A person is made up of their thoughts and actions, while emotions are fleeting. And in Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, you will learn how to keep your emotions from damaging the wonderful parenting skills inherent within you.
September 4, 2018
I agree with the philosophy of this book to an extent, though sometimes, the author's views seem to negate the humanity, needs and feelings of parents and other adults. For example, the author has a problem with adults requiring that children clean up after themselves because children are humans who can make choices...I believe that child centered parenting taken to this level teaches children that they do not need to take other people's feelings and needs into account. It falsely puts children at the center of the universe. If children are people who need respect, so are adults.
That is not my main problem with this book. My biggest issue is that the anecdotes given to illustrate unwanted behavior that is later rectified by Aldort's philosophy and techniques seem made up. They don't seem genuine. I work with individuals (adults) who have disabilities on a daily basis, and I've seen many tantrums in stores. I've seen many behavioral therapists work with these individuals, and I've rarely seen behaviors change so so quickly, even with the gentlest touch. Usually it is a process. There is trial and error. People have to learn and unlearn. It takes time. In the book, the formula is always Harsh/non-empathetic parenting->unwanted behavior-> Naomi Aldort steps in for a minute-> child says Gee, you're right!-> unwanted behavior stops.... This ideal version is not true, it can't be. Sometimes there is something going on inside of a child that they are having trouble explaining...something complicated..sometimes I'm sure that Naomi Aldort does the perfect right thing, and it all goes wrong anyway. While reading, I just felt like I was reading lies. Even if the methods work, it just didn't seem genuine.
That is not my main problem with this book. My biggest issue is that the anecdotes given to illustrate unwanted behavior that is later rectified by Aldort's philosophy and techniques seem made up. They don't seem genuine. I work with individuals (adults) who have disabilities on a daily basis, and I've seen many tantrums in stores. I've seen many behavioral therapists work with these individuals, and I've rarely seen behaviors change so so quickly, even with the gentlest touch. Usually it is a process. There is trial and error. People have to learn and unlearn. It takes time. In the book, the formula is always Harsh/non-empathetic parenting->unwanted behavior-> Naomi Aldort steps in for a minute-> child says Gee, you're right!-> unwanted behavior stops.... This ideal version is not true, it can't be. Sometimes there is something going on inside of a child that they are having trouble explaining...something complicated..sometimes I'm sure that Naomi Aldort does the perfect right thing, and it all goes wrong anyway. While reading, I just felt like I was reading lies. Even if the methods work, it just didn't seem genuine.
June 4, 2009
This wasn't a compelling read for me, I admit I got 1/2-2/3 of the way through and ran of renews at the library, I didn't like it enough to want to check it out again to finish.
It was an interesting approach to parenting, in my opinion too child-centered (never say no parenting), and not very realistic. It would probably work better in a small family with 2 children that are a couple of years or so apart. I prefer parenting books that give more concrete ideas for influencing behavior and examples of how to use them when poor behavior occurs (which seems to come naturally to my children and most I know).
Nevertheless, it also had a lot of good, well-thought out ideas. Certainly children should be treated with love and respect. I guess I have never read a parenting book that is worthy of serious criticism... just some are more helpful than others and give me ideas that help me in daily parenting decisions. This isn't on my list of most helpful and effective, but a decent read.
It was an interesting approach to parenting, in my opinion too child-centered (never say no parenting), and not very realistic. It would probably work better in a small family with 2 children that are a couple of years or so apart. I prefer parenting books that give more concrete ideas for influencing behavior and examples of how to use them when poor behavior occurs (which seems to come naturally to my children and most I know).
Nevertheless, it also had a lot of good, well-thought out ideas. Certainly children should be treated with love and respect. I guess I have never read a parenting book that is worthy of serious criticism... just some are more helpful than others and give me ideas that help me in daily parenting decisions. This isn't on my list of most helpful and effective, but a decent read.
January 29, 2016
Στο Αναθρέφοντας τα παιδιά μας,αναθρέφουμε τον εαυτό μας δεν θα βρούμε ένα εγχειρίδιο γονεϊκής ανατροφής οσο ενα χρήσιμο εργαλείο αποκωδικοποίησης των συναισθημάτων και συμπεριφορών των παιδιών απο την βρεφική ηλικία μέχρι και την εφηβεία. Η ανταπόκριση στις αναγκες του παιδιου και η ανευ όρων αποδοχή λειτουργεί σαν το γερο θεμέλιο που οικοδομεί ενα μέλλον με αυτοπεποίθηση και δύναμη. Οι διάλογοι που παραθέτονται βοηθούν το παιδι να εκφράσει τα πραγματικα του συναισθήματα και να ισχυροποιηθεί ο δεσμός εμπιστοσύνης μεταξύ γονέα και παιδιού.Το προτείνω όχι μονο σε γονείς αλλά και σε ολους όσοι συναναστρέφονται με παιδιά.
February 11, 2022
I had a hard time rating this one. I really agreed with some parts of it, they really resonated with me…. But other parts were a little hard for me to digest. For one thing it is advertised as being “for parents of babies to teens,” but in my opinion it would be more accurate to say it tops out at the older elementary stage. It also didn’t feel like she had a very realistic grasp on what life is like for the majority of the population….. In an ideal world, her examples would play out exactly like her book portrayed, but we don’t live in an ideal world, and some of it seemed just a little too Pollyanna-ish to be truly helpful.
February 23, 2017
Skvělá knížka o výchově. Pozitivní, plná příkladů a praktických rad. Pokud jde o obsah, najdete ho již na přebalu knihy - milujte své děti, nesnažte se je ovládat, ale věřte jim. Potlačte sebe, vciťte se do toho druhého. Ano, je to jednoduché a možná to zní až idylicky či banálně, ale pokud si retrospektivně projedu své osobní úspěchy či přešlapy, nemůžu než souhlasit. Chybějící hvězda v hodnocení představuje onu mezeru mezi ideálem a realitou. Je to příjemné čtení, ale život nebývá tak jednoduchý a často mi chyběla větší hloubka.
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