Life or Death Listening: A Hostage Negotiator’s How-to Guide to Mastering the Essential Communication Skill

by Dan Oblinger

Authentic listening is so important, that relationships and companies die without it. In this digital age of chaos, conflict, and confusion, we are more connected than ever to other people. Yet, we may be on the brink of an epidemic of loneliness. This book contains the key to unlocking the potential for lives of trust, consensus, and community! Dan Oblinger lays out the ultimate sales pitch for creating a culture of authentic, skillful listening. It begins with you! Learn the hostage negotiator’s techniques for turning enemies in allies. Learn to be more empathetic and build stronger relationships with anyone! It is ideal for business executives, managers, parents, and community leaders. The heart of this book is the family of 8 active listening skills. These are proven, reliable, and repeatable methods of earning trust and learning critical details about people and problems. Police negotiators use them every day to save lives. Dan Oblinger has trained thousands of people just like you to use them in everyday situations to add value to business and personal relationships. Now it is your turn. Each of the techniques has its own chapter! Master these skills by reading this book and using the reference guides (included) and begin building a life of rich, engaging conversations with all you meet! Save lives, make sales, get deals, calm those in crisis, and have the tough conversations that teams need to succeed and families need to thrive. Dan Oblinger’s style is direct, warm, and uses actual tales of crisis negotiations ripped from his exotic experiences as a hostage negotiator, keynote speaker, and corporate trainer. Listening is life, so buy this book and start living better now!

Genres: Nonfiction

166 pages, Kindle Edition

Published October 27, 2018

Reviews

[Bob · Rating 5 out of 5]

Many of us have read articles or books on listening or active listening. Dan's book does this also. But, he does differently. He first gives us context for the importance of listening. He's a professional hostage negotiator! Dan tells about situations where certain listening skills are important and effective but he also has the ability to personalize it for us too. We aren't negotiating for a hostage release but we are trying to have meaningful relationships with our families. We are also trying to be successful at work. Dan's eight active listening skills (ALS) are useful to ALL of us.

I highly recommend this book.

[Ann Warren · Rating 5 out of 5]

Though short, this book is packed with practical strategies for developing better listening skills as both a leader and lover. Sprinkled with Dan’s quintessential humor, this book is a fast-paced introduction into the craft of listening. Very enjoyable and informative read.

[Michelle Rogers · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great easy to read book on becoming a better listener. I really appreciated how each chapter was short and concise and started with a relevant quote and how the chapters on Active Listening all ended with a short summary of the skill. I have read and learned some about these and similar communication skills before, but felt Dan's book resonated with me more than others. This book really encouraged me to better pursue becoming a Master Listener.
I would recommend this book to anyone who hopes to better engage with coworkers or clients and/or better know and love their family and friends.
This is a book I plan to revisit as I work to further develop my listening skills!

[Jenni Sauer · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book does an amazing job breaking down the importance of listening and how to better listen to the world around you. Even more so it celebrates humanity, calling us to look at everyone we encounter with empathy and compassion

The part that stuck with me the most was when the author straight up says in a moment of hard truth:
"If you really struggle with this, consider the “unconditional regard” I and my team encounter with every callout. We have negotiated with fugitives, gang members, suspects who have tried to kill cops, and kidnappers. Regardless, we have a duty to get them out safely. This requires us to empathize with someone who might seem revolting in the cold light of day. Never mind that! We have a duty to fulfill. We don’t judge. We listen with empathy. If we can do this consistently, then you can overlook the quirks of your coworkers and boss."

If we take the time to listen, he contends, to look at another person without judgment or ulterior motive, and hear what they have to say with genuine regard we can then work together for the peaceful solution. And I think in this world of action, peaceful solutions are something we should seek more of

The author does take a while to get to his point (he spends a long time saying "listening is good!" before getting to the "why listening is good") so I'm knocking half a star off for that. Overall I'd give it 4.5/5 stars

[Stan Finger · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think pretty much everyone should have a copy of this book, because learning to listen well can help us in every aspect of our lives. As a veteran journalist and someone with many friends, I've long known that listening closely is essential. This book reminded me that I need to become much better at it. One key to being a quality listener is recognizing "It's not all about you." Oblinger shows that well in his book. He is effective at breaking down the different types of listening and presents a solid framework on how to sharpen that skill. I offer it 3 stars primarily due to the writing. The book often reads like the transcript of a TED talk or one of his presentations at a seminar. Repetition is important during a speech to help the audience remember key points --- but it slows down a book. I noticed numerous occasions where Dan tells us the same thing three or four different ways. Other readers may not mind that, but for me it got in the way. Having said that, I still recommend this book. Your co-workers, friends, partners and children will all appreciate you becoming a better listener.

[Laura May · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book reads like one of those recipe blogs that tells you about the person's life, the weather, their grandmother's kitchen, the origin of the wood their chopping board is made of, then goes on to show you abstract but well-lit photos - and a swathe of ads - before it actually gets onto the recipe you're after. Ie it would be better off summarised in a pamphlet with the key points.
I would not recommend this book to anyone interested in listening; I would rather recommend a book such as Non Violent Communication by Rosenberg, which covers similar topics but in a more meaningful and practical way. It too suffers from occasional wordiness, but it is at least better-organised, and does not suffer from the repetitiveness of Life or Death Listening.
I would guess that the author makes a compelling speaker and trainer, but that is not the same thing as being a good written storyteller.
DNF at 47% (and I started skipping at about 30%).

[Katerina Nixon · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars rounded up to 4.

This is a good introduction to active listening skills. I like that Oblinger focuses on how listening can make us better leaders, friends, and family members. Some other ALS books focus on how you can use it in negotiation, which is a valid and helpful place for ALS. But in the end we should be listening to others because we love and care about them and not to get something from them. Oblinger portrays that serving aspect of listening well.

The writing style is not excellent, but the content is good.

[Melanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book has a lot of GREAT listening skills. Chapters 14-20 explain the skills well. But I didn't love the book. Mr. Oblinger seemed a little self-important to me, and I would have appreciated more examples. (Each skill section has an example or two at the end, but they are REALLY fundamental.)

Good content; not that enjoyable to read.

[Amy Hrncir · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lots of good insights on listening. Lots of things I need to work on at home and elsewhere…. As Dan wrote in the dedication, “To Christ, who is the very model of a leader who listens.” Amen. Lord, teach me how to listen with Your heart, Your ears, Your grace.

[Ben Chan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fine read