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Turn This World Inside Out: The Emergence of Nurturance Culture
“Violence is nurturance turned backwards,” writes Nora Samaran. In Turn This World Inside Out, she presents Nurturance Culture as the opposite of rape culture and suggests how alternative models of care and accountability―different from “call-outs,” which are often rooted in the politics of shame and guilt―can move toward inverting cultures of dominance and systems of oppression. When communities are able to recognize and speak up about systemic violence, center the needs of those harmed, and hold a circle of belonging that humanizes everyone, they create a revolutionary foundation of nurturance that can begin to repair the harms inflicted by patriarchy, white supremacy, and capitalism. Emerging out of insights in Gender Studies, Race Theory, and Psychology, and influenced by contemporary social movements, Turn This World Inside Out speaks to some of the most pressing issues of our time.
140 pages, Paperback
First published June 8, 2019
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June 13, 2019
Turn This World Inside Out by Nora Samaran is a quick read that expands upon Samaran's widely read essay: The Opposite of Rape Culture is Nurturance Culture. The book's expansion on the topic is carried largely by Samaran's interviews with others. I am guessing, though I did not count the pages, that more of this book is interviews that Samaran did with various people than it is her own personal writing. I believe this was a smart move by Samaran. It is always a smart move to consult a wide range of people for a topic, but with this book in particular, I found Samaran's personal writings to be limited quite heavily by her personal experience. I assume she is a white, cisgender, heterosexual woman. If I am incorrect in assuming that identity, it is because her personal writings center this kind of experience.
That is not to say that there is nothing to be gained from the chapters written only by Samaran. There is great information about attachment theory, the importance in addressing conflict in nuanced ways, the seriousness of gaslighting as an abusive behavior, how to make a good apology and accept responsibility, and others. Samaran is also very good at holding onto others' humanity in her analyses. She expresses information in a gentle and accessible way often lacking in discussions of topics within this book. The book is well written, efficiently organized, and contains a ton of important information in a very small space.
Where Samaran falls short is in including a more intersectional approach in terms of her writing. The way she discusses attachment styles is as if all (cis) men without a secure attachment are avoidant and all (cis) women without one are anxious. This is not true as studies show that expressions of attachment styles are similar across genders (though they affect genders differently.) All interactions and relationships seem to center a heterosexual framework as well. She does throw in a "masculine people" in place of the word "men" and "women and femmes" in place of "women" here and there in what I assume is an attempt to be more inclusive. However, she lacks understanding of how masculinities function outside cis heterosexual white men and seems to misunderstand the definitions of and the problems with the phrase "women and femmes." It shows in some of her writing.
The inclusion of interviews by trans women and/or women of color such as Serena Bhandar, Ruby Smith Diaz, Aravinda Anada, and others do well to combat this lack of insight. This is what separates Samaran's book from other white hetero cis women's literature that is lacking in these areas. Those books also often have something important to offer in terms of the author's personal experiences and so on. The problem with this book lies in the fact that the interviews seem to have been done after the rest of the book was written and thus, the learning gained from the interviews is not implemented in her own essays. The ordering of things is often, essay-interview-essay-interview, but when we get to the essays, the information within reverts back to the same singular perspective.
Another issue I had with Samaran's personal essays was how she tackled the topic of gaslighting using her own experiences. The beginning of the chapter, which discusses how severe the effects of gaslighting can be, is a great start. The end of the chapter, which exemplifies the harmful and extreme ways gaslighting exists in community and abuse dynamics is an excellent end. But, in the center, Samaran waters down the definition of gaslighting, basically using it to mean, "this person disagreed with me and said it in a mean way." This is specifically evident in her second example in which a male friend disagreed with her about seeing rent signs in her neighborhood and she labeled this gaslighting because he said it "like she was an idiot." It is misuses like these of the term that make its existence taken less seriously and hides the fact that we all experience the world in different ways. There is a reason that eye-witness testimonies are extremely flawed. Later in the book, Samaran details some of the abuse her family endured with her father and I am not sure why she didn't draw on that for her examples of gaslighting. Every misunderstanding, expression of false information- especially out of ignorance- or irritated response is not abuse. It can be problematic behavior or a stressful conflict that absolutely needs to be addressed without being treated as abuse.
Because of these limitations, analyses that should have been included such as conflicts within same gender romantic and other relationships, white woman tears that are used to silence people of color, the complex nature of trans peoples experiences with gender vs how they are read in the world, the complexities of different masculinities when they co-occur with other marginalized identities, the existence of masculine women and feminine men, the experiences of sick and/or disabled people with, and so on. Luckily, the interviews do address many of these things beautifully which is why I still consider this to be a worthwhile read. In conclusion, my recommendation is to approach this book as a great collection of interviews interspersed with the author talking about her own experiences.
This was also posted to my blog.
That is not to say that there is nothing to be gained from the chapters written only by Samaran. There is great information about attachment theory, the importance in addressing conflict in nuanced ways, the seriousness of gaslighting as an abusive behavior, how to make a good apology and accept responsibility, and others. Samaran is also very good at holding onto others' humanity in her analyses. She expresses information in a gentle and accessible way often lacking in discussions of topics within this book. The book is well written, efficiently organized, and contains a ton of important information in a very small space.
Where Samaran falls short is in including a more intersectional approach in terms of her writing. The way she discusses attachment styles is as if all (cis) men without a secure attachment are avoidant and all (cis) women without one are anxious. This is not true as studies show that expressions of attachment styles are similar across genders (though they affect genders differently.) All interactions and relationships seem to center a heterosexual framework as well. She does throw in a "masculine people" in place of the word "men" and "women and femmes" in place of "women" here and there in what I assume is an attempt to be more inclusive. However, she lacks understanding of how masculinities function outside cis heterosexual white men and seems to misunderstand the definitions of and the problems with the phrase "women and femmes." It shows in some of her writing.
The inclusion of interviews by trans women and/or women of color such as Serena Bhandar, Ruby Smith Diaz, Aravinda Anada, and others do well to combat this lack of insight. This is what separates Samaran's book from other white hetero cis women's literature that is lacking in these areas. Those books also often have something important to offer in terms of the author's personal experiences and so on. The problem with this book lies in the fact that the interviews seem to have been done after the rest of the book was written and thus, the learning gained from the interviews is not implemented in her own essays. The ordering of things is often, essay-interview-essay-interview, but when we get to the essays, the information within reverts back to the same singular perspective.
Another issue I had with Samaran's personal essays was how she tackled the topic of gaslighting using her own experiences. The beginning of the chapter, which discusses how severe the effects of gaslighting can be, is a great start. The end of the chapter, which exemplifies the harmful and extreme ways gaslighting exists in community and abuse dynamics is an excellent end. But, in the center, Samaran waters down the definition of gaslighting, basically using it to mean, "this person disagreed with me and said it in a mean way." This is specifically evident in her second example in which a male friend disagreed with her about seeing rent signs in her neighborhood and she labeled this gaslighting because he said it "like she was an idiot." It is misuses like these of the term that make its existence taken less seriously and hides the fact that we all experience the world in different ways. There is a reason that eye-witness testimonies are extremely flawed. Later in the book, Samaran details some of the abuse her family endured with her father and I am not sure why she didn't draw on that for her examples of gaslighting. Every misunderstanding, expression of false information- especially out of ignorance- or irritated response is not abuse. It can be problematic behavior or a stressful conflict that absolutely needs to be addressed without being treated as abuse.
Because of these limitations, analyses that should have been included such as conflicts within same gender romantic and other relationships, white woman tears that are used to silence people of color, the complex nature of trans peoples experiences with gender vs how they are read in the world, the complexities of different masculinities when they co-occur with other marginalized identities, the existence of masculine women and feminine men, the experiences of sick and/or disabled people with, and so on. Luckily, the interviews do address many of these things beautifully which is why I still consider this to be a worthwhile read. In conclusion, my recommendation is to approach this book as a great collection of interviews interspersed with the author talking about her own experiences.
This was also posted to my blog.
January 6, 2021
2.5 stars
Writing wasn't profound enough imo to justify a book. The main essay this book was based on wasn't that deep to me. I found the rest of the book to be slightly unclear, and maybe it would be impactful if I were a cishet man or someone who had never engaged with this before. The interviews with other organizers were the best part, but unless I missed it, the author doesn't even name she's white until like the third to last essay. Also a basic analysis of gender and harm that doesn't get rectified just through having one interview with a trans person.
Writing wasn't profound enough imo to justify a book. The main essay this book was based on wasn't that deep to me. I found the rest of the book to be slightly unclear, and maybe it would be impactful if I were a cishet man or someone who had never engaged with this before. The interviews with other organizers were the best part, but unless I missed it, the author doesn't even name she's white until like the third to last essay. Also a basic analysis of gender and harm that doesn't get rectified just through having one interview with a trans person.
October 28, 2020
I don't think this book contributes to conversations on transformative justice. She creates the term "nurturance culture" in response to rape culture, which at first I really appreciated (as a way to specifically understand how we can build a capacity to nurture ourselves and each other), but after reading her book, nurturance culture is really another name for transformative justice.
She does not build on her original essay, and fills in the blindspots on race, gender, and Indigeneity with interviews with people who fill those categories. (ex one interviewee pointing out that her article was focusing on sexual violence in a very binary way, when instead transness should be centered instead of as an add-on). The points made by the interviewees were important, but she didn't interact with those ideas besides including them in her book. As a cis-white woman, she stated she no longer engaged with men who were not emotionally honest, but it felt so privileged for her to say that especially without more analysis on boundaries or gender roles or social responsibility.
I was so excited for this book to be great, but her only new lens was psychology as a non psych professional (sort of, about attachment theory, but described too abstractly to understand how it affects things or how to use this understanding). When one of her main points was to build compassion and nurturance for ourselves and each other, this book did not explain more on how to do this or how to understand this, but just that it is important.
She does not build on her original essay, and fills in the blindspots on race, gender, and Indigeneity with interviews with people who fill those categories. (ex one interviewee pointing out that her article was focusing on sexual violence in a very binary way, when instead transness should be centered instead of as an add-on). The points made by the interviewees were important, but she didn't interact with those ideas besides including them in her book. As a cis-white woman, she stated she no longer engaged with men who were not emotionally honest, but it felt so privileged for her to say that especially without more analysis on boundaries or gender roles or social responsibility.
I was so excited for this book to be great, but her only new lens was psychology as a non psych professional (sort of, about attachment theory, but described too abstractly to understand how it affects things or how to use this understanding). When one of her main points was to build compassion and nurturance for ourselves and each other, this book did not explain more on how to do this or how to understand this, but just that it is important.
May 19, 2021
This book made me very uncomfortable. The topic of nurturance culture (basically restorative justice by another name) is undoubtedly important. I'm generally on board with the socio-cultural analyses at play. It seemed, however, that the only new perspective the author brought was to connect elements of attachment theory from developmental psychology with the broader narrative of restorative justice.
The author doesn't have a background in psychology. She developed these ideas having read two books on the topic.I kept wanting to scream HOW DO YOU KNOW! Where is the research? Don't get me wrong, there are some interesting thoughts here. I'd be happy to trace out the implications over some glasses of wine with a friend. That doesn't justify the writing of a book without something of more substance to say or some kind of evidence base for the claims.
Her lack of relevant background alone didn't sit right with me, but what really compounded it was the authoritative tone with which she proceeds to detail how various attachment styles manifest in men and the proliferation of rape culture. On the surface, she claims that she's still "figuring it out", but her manner of speaking contradicts this initial assertion, belying an unsettling surety in what are essentially just her own musings. This shows through too in her interviews with other activists. The dialogue struck me as profoundly lacking in genuine empathy or deep listening. The author continuously rephrased respondents statements into her own idiosyncratic phrasing. She's palpably steering the conversations, all the while espousing the necessity of genuine connection. It's uncomfortable.
Another personal peeve was her near constant invocation of the concept of shame. Good lord. I'm happy to put my hands up and admit that I'm only a baby first year counselling student, but one thing I have learned is never to use the word shame to describe another person's experience unless they have used the term themselves first. It's a heavy word. It implies blame. If the person hadn't felt it before, they very likely will if they find themselves labelled with it. Anyway, Samaran loves this word. She used it so much in her interviews (unprompted by interviewees) that I briefly considered counting the number of occurrences. I finally opted against it because it was just too bleak.
After cringing my way through the first half of this book, I admittedly rapidly skimmed the second half before deciding there wasn't anything really of value added to the conversation. Bonus points for invoking highly binary concepts of gender and writing emphatically about race without ever mentioning she herself is white until very close to the end of the book. If you want to read about restorative justice, I'd recommend spending your time on Adrienne Maree Brown instead.
The author doesn't have a background in psychology. She developed these ideas having read two books on the topic.I kept wanting to scream HOW DO YOU KNOW! Where is the research? Don't get me wrong, there are some interesting thoughts here. I'd be happy to trace out the implications over some glasses of wine with a friend. That doesn't justify the writing of a book without something of more substance to say or some kind of evidence base for the claims.
Her lack of relevant background alone didn't sit right with me, but what really compounded it was the authoritative tone with which she proceeds to detail how various attachment styles manifest in men and the proliferation of rape culture. On the surface, she claims that she's still "figuring it out", but her manner of speaking contradicts this initial assertion, belying an unsettling surety in what are essentially just her own musings. This shows through too in her interviews with other activists. The dialogue struck me as profoundly lacking in genuine empathy or deep listening. The author continuously rephrased respondents statements into her own idiosyncratic phrasing. She's palpably steering the conversations, all the while espousing the necessity of genuine connection. It's uncomfortable.
Another personal peeve was her near constant invocation of the concept of shame. Good lord. I'm happy to put my hands up and admit that I'm only a baby first year counselling student, but one thing I have learned is never to use the word shame to describe another person's experience unless they have used the term themselves first. It's a heavy word. It implies blame. If the person hadn't felt it before, they very likely will if they find themselves labelled with it. Anyway, Samaran loves this word. She used it so much in her interviews (unprompted by interviewees) that I briefly considered counting the number of occurrences. I finally opted against it because it was just too bleak.
After cringing my way through the first half of this book, I admittedly rapidly skimmed the second half before deciding there wasn't anything really of value added to the conversation. Bonus points for invoking highly binary concepts of gender and writing emphatically about race without ever mentioning she herself is white until very close to the end of the book. If you want to read about restorative justice, I'd recommend spending your time on Adrienne Maree Brown instead.
dnf
March 12, 2021[DNF] I don’t think this book was written for someone like me, in a bunch of ways. I also really disliked the pathologizing of attachment styles as a root of sexually violent behaviors. I got about 20% of the way through before setting it aside.
March 3, 2020
So yummy. You know those friends whose book recommendations are always so good that you don't even bother reading the book jacket as long as the recommendation came from that person (there are like 3 of you in my life, btw)? Well this was one of those. I got halfway through the intro before pausing and doing a little more research on Nora Samaran. In a good way. In a, "holy shit, who is this woman, what are these ideas, and why don't I know her?" kind of way.
I've long believed that we are interconnected, have a moral responsibility to one another, and should take better care of each other. Samaran dives into those ideas with a critical theory frame that is nuanced, theoretical, and fun to read (if you're a bit of philosophy dork, anyway). Within ten minutes of reading this I'd already sent the link to "Own, Apologize, Repair: Coming Back to Integrity" to three different friends. These are the kinds of concepts that are both intellectually fun to explore and will probably make you a better human for having read them.
There are a couple reasons you should buy the book: AK Press is a wonderful independent publisher and you should support them AND the interviews that follow the articles are great, especially the aggregated one about men and vulnerability. If you don't want to spend the money or read the whole book then read the three articles that make up the bulk of the book and are available for free on Samaran's website. They're worth your time.
I've long believed that we are interconnected, have a moral responsibility to one another, and should take better care of each other. Samaran dives into those ideas with a critical theory frame that is nuanced, theoretical, and fun to read (if you're a bit of philosophy dork, anyway). Within ten minutes of reading this I'd already sent the link to "Own, Apologize, Repair: Coming Back to Integrity" to three different friends. These are the kinds of concepts that are both intellectually fun to explore and will probably make you a better human for having read them.
There are a couple reasons you should buy the book: AK Press is a wonderful independent publisher and you should support them AND the interviews that follow the articles are great, especially the aggregated one about men and vulnerability. If you don't want to spend the money or read the whole book then read the three articles that make up the bulk of the book and are available for free on Samaran's website. They're worth your time.
August 17, 2019
A really interesting exploration of what "nurturance culture" would look like: a community that sees people as inherently interconnected, and that pushes back against "cancel culture." How do we recognize harm while not endlessly pushing people out? How do we do the work of creating and maintaining relationships, centring those who are harmed while also asking those who have done harm to acknowledge and repair that harm?
I like the inclusion of "dialogues" with other people, who bring in other viewpoints (like trans perspectives on the discussion of gendered violence, and poc perspectives on dismantling white supremacy in nurturance culture). They're thought-provoking essays, but they're fairly accessible, which I appreciate.
I like the inclusion of "dialogues" with other people, who bring in other viewpoints (like trans perspectives on the discussion of gendered violence, and poc perspectives on dismantling white supremacy in nurturance culture). They're thought-provoking essays, but they're fairly accessible, which I appreciate.
May 22, 2022
As someone new to reading about transformative justice, I learned from this book and found it kind of surface level. Samaran’s interview style is a bit dry, I felt that they were focused on reaffirming their own points and concept of nurturance cultureTM instead of going deeper into the nuance of each interviewee’s perspective. Maybe this book could be read as a starter or supplement to other texts
May 19, 2020
“Transformation is deeply relational. It’s not, “I’m going to go and receive enlightenment on top of a mountain by myself.” That’s a colonizer’s story of disconnection and self-sufficiency.” - Aravinda Ananda, “Cultivating Empathy and Shame Resilience” in “Turn This World Inside Out: The Emergence of Nurturance Culture”.
May 10, 2021
I thought the author posed some interesting ideas and included some insightful discussions but I do wish they would have delved more into some of the theory mentioned.
May 21, 2022
Loved it a lot more in concept rather than the execution. My excitement for this read started to boil down when I realised their inclusion of the trans experience was through one interview. Generally, I benefited from the various perspectives provided- but not as transformative as I wanted it to be. I would still recommend this book to the men in my life, and I am also better for reading it.
I do love the title. Would love to turn this world inside out!
I do love the title. Would love to turn this world inside out!
Read
May 23, 2020Probably my favourite part of the book was the discussion of Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant attachment styles in Chapter 1. I liked the metaphor of the chair for insecure attachment styles and how if it's broken under you before, you may think hard about sitting down again, so you need extra reassurance and comfort to get secure.
I found the description of dismissive-avoidant attachment to be fairly enlightening and validating for my relationship with certain people in my life. “They may feel suffocated or trapped when people get too close, and will unconsciously and involuntarily use deactivating strategies—body language and facial expressions”. The idea that they're pushing you away, rejecting, and saying no with their body language (preventing secure attachment), and no you're not imagining it, is huge.
I also quite enjoyed their description of nurturance and attunement and see its implications in consent:
- “Nurturance recognizes and responds appropriately, in an alive, moving dance, to the other person’s need for intimacy and need for space, learning how to engage in nonverbal communication that comforts, reassures, and breathes”
- “skill of attunement: recognizing when someone wants to come close and when they want space, not only by asking but also by reading subtle nonverbal cues”
My highlighted parts:
Introduction
- "Attachment theory teaches us that true autonomy relies on feeling securely connected to other human beings. Current developments in the field of attachment science have recognized that bonded pairs, such as couples, or parents and children, build bonds that physiologically shape their nervous systems. Contrary to many Western conceptions of the self as disconnected and atomized, operating in isolation using nothing but grit and determination, it turns out that close-knit connections to others are in large part how we grow into our own, fully expressed, autonomous selves."
- “belonging in human and nonhuman communities, it seems to me, is something like breathing in the invisible substance that sustains our life. When we can recognize that fact, we can turn our attention to the quality of the webs that contain and sustain us, and grow their health and well-being, which is the same thing as growing our own.”
- “we have relational responsibilities to one another regardless of our emotional closeness”
- “Harm, whether in the form of violation or neglect, is then understood as a harm to the integrity of those bonds, or as a failure to meet relational responsibilities”
- “Where we are born into privilege, we are charged with dismantling any myth of supremacy/entitlement. Where we were born into struggle, we are charged with claiming our dignity, joy, and liberation” (adrienne maree brown, Emergent Strategy)
- "Opposite of masculine rape culture is masculine nurturance culture: men increasing their capacity to nurture and becoming whole...Compassion for self and compassion for others grow together and are connected. This means that men finding and recuperating the lost parts of themselves will heal everyone.”
Chapter 3, Serena Bhandar's words
- “ When we say that only trans people transgress gender identity, then we do not permit room for cis people who feel shame about their gender identity”
- “When we permit that violence against trans folks, and create structures that permit that violence against trans folks, we also permit that violence against cis folks who experience those kinds of gender policing.”
- “It’s not that we are all the same. Instead, we all have the potential to be similar to each other. ”
- “when we ascribe masculinity to a person, we ascribe it as a stable, definite attribute. We don’t recognize how it can break and change and be tossed aside.”
Ch.4
- “shame aversion is a powerful emotional logic that connects otherwise incoherent emotional manipulation, switchbacks, and logical incoherence”
- “The essence of gaslighting is this: actively doing something to another person that, quite expectedly, leads them to feel feelings (sadness, hurt, confusion, fear) and then telling them or implying that they are crazy to feel those feelings because you did not do the thing that you did, in fact, do.” In other words, “messing with your sense of reality and undermining your sanity by saying something is not happening when it absolutely is”.
- “Even good men don’t really want women to trust themselves, because that would give back some of the power and control that patriarchy gives men.”
Ch. 5, Ruby Smith Díaz's words
- Afrofuturism, do character sketches imagining a world without oppression. "We ask what it would look like if we were truly free and unafraid to be who we are. What would you look like? What would you wear? What would your superpower abilities be, and how would you use them to bring healing into the world?" (reminds me of introduction question, “What would it look like to belong in the world as our whole selves?”)
- “use as a person socialized as a woman in this society I was taught that it’s desirable to take up less space. ”
- “If we want a world that is different and that leaves behind all of the oppressive systems and values that we have, we need to be able to heal ourselves, because we embody so many of those oppressive values and systems and perpetuate them in our lives...We absorb and replicate consciously and subconsciously the toxicity of the environments in which we are living” (Angela Y. Davis, Freedom Is a Constant Struggle)
Ch. 6, Aravinda Ananda
- “Shame is when a person feels they are inherently bad or have no worth. Healthy remorse, on the other hand, is quite different—it is when you acknowledge that you did something to hurt someone, and because you don’t want that harmful impact to continue, you would like to not only apologize but also repair that harm”
- “[and] when that harm does get recognized; suddenly someone is a bad person and disposable.”
- “But you can’t shame someone out of a shame aversion”
- “This fragility response may be caused both by internalized shame, and also by the conditioning into supremacy that creates an inherent expectation of entitlement. Countering both at the same time seems to help: “We like you, we are not going to shun you or turn away from you, you belong and have inherent worth as a human being, and also this action, this ingrained entitlement and harmful behavior is not OK and needs to stop. We will turn toward you, connect with you, and tell you no.”
- “false identity—that they are good because of the label of white” and therefore they can't let feedback in that their actions have a negative impact because it challenges that sense of self-worth (references Janet E. Helms' work)
- “There is a kind of deep, visceral betrayal of human trust that can magnify harm significantly, when those around you do not even perceive it occurring. And yet that is precisely how normalized systemic violence works: it renders the harm normal, and all resistance to harm “disruptive.”
- “There is healing from what has happened in the past, but there is also creating conditions in which the people around you can recognize continuing oppression happening in an ongoing way right now and say “no.”
“This requires setting up conditions of kindness and unconditional acceptance while also clearly establishing how actions that perpetuate systemic harm are not acceptable and need to stop”
Ch. 7, Own, Apologize, ask for Repair
- name what you did, apologize sincerely and lovingly, and ask what the other person needs to make things right between us
- As a white woman I can do this with white people about racism or colonization because I am not paying the personal cost in my body of being attacked by them as they work out their shame and guilt over beginning to understand reality. I can coddle and placate—(cough) empathize—and then find their edge, what they are willing to hear, and then offer a wider lens, because I am not in my body personally bearing the brunt of the violence.
- it is so taken for granted in our culture that those with marginal subjectivity will constantly placate those who are dominant
WELCOME ACCOUNTABILITY.
- “Ask yourself who the people are you would want to hold you accountable if you behaved in an abusive way. If you are the kind of person who likes to know when you have caused harm, then there are some valuable questions about how to make that real: How do you invite this information? How do you welcome it? How do you thank those who help you grow this way if they have to tell you because you have not figured it out for yourself? Do you realize just how scary it can be to tell you before they know how you will react? Do you confuse their fear of you for anger? Is their fear in any way justified? How can you make sure it is not?
If your focus is more on the fact that harm got named than it is on the harm itself, does this strike you as peculiar?”
- “Imagine replacing guilt with curiosity. Imagine saying, “Wow, it is so cool to recognize what I did. I’m excited I can hear you and grow. I did this, I did that, here is why it is fucked up. I’m so excited to learn how to come back into integrity with you. I’m so happy I can do this, that it is OK to fuck up and say sorry and learn together. This owning warms my heart.”
Own. Completely. Do not hide what you have done. Then ask, “Have I got you? Do I understand?” and let the person clarify. Mirror until you get it. Give this the time that the person harmed feels is needed.
Say, “Wow, thank you for sharing that with me. I know how hard it can be to share something like this. I’m really grateful you took that risk, and I’m taking it to heart. Here is what I’m going to do (concrete practical things) to make sure I get better about this in the future. Does that address the need?”
Ch.8
- We care about you and will not discard you, and we also will not accept that you do this; it cannot go on, we will not allow it
- instead of having this false divide between supposedly unmanipulated land and urban space, we can ask, have we cared for the land in a good way? If the answer is no, then what is our responsibility to change our ways of caring for and stewarding the land?
Ch.9, Alix Johnson
- There is no cultural context for you in which people assume that they hold together, and so you’re carving out solidarities one by one, relationship by relationship...the place I start a transformative justice intervention is small-scale. I think, “Who are two people who are going to show up for you? Who are two more people you can talk to about this?” I think about building from the ground up, rather than assuming support is already there, because building trust one by one is where a lot of people and communities are starting from
- The idea that we have relational responsibility only to those humans we love, and no responsibility toward anyone else, is destroying the very fabric of human connection in Western societies.
- I’m not a coparent, or an intimate partner, or a best friend, so I don’t have stakes, or a say in this.” When in fact we can often build trust and closeness and community by choosing to actively support survivors, and actively interrupt violence and harm
- Not cutting ties permanently with someone who has caused harm, but establishing what is and is not OK to do, and saying, as a community or as individuals, “These are my boundaries, when you can respect them we will talk.”
- Q: “is it possible to “hold someone else accountable” or do they need to “take accountability”?”
A: We can’t force change, but we can create conditions of safety for survivors. We can name harm and stop harm.
And I think that’s something people figure out for themselves, in practice, and case by case: how much you can engage directly with someone who’s doing harm, how much you stay and work with them through whatever resistance, and at what point it may be unproductive, or unsafe, to do that
I found the description of dismissive-avoidant attachment to be fairly enlightening and validating for my relationship with certain people in my life. “They may feel suffocated or trapped when people get too close, and will unconsciously and involuntarily use deactivating strategies—body language and facial expressions”. The idea that they're pushing you away, rejecting, and saying no with their body language (preventing secure attachment), and no you're not imagining it, is huge.
I also quite enjoyed their description of nurturance and attunement and see its implications in consent:
- “Nurturance recognizes and responds appropriately, in an alive, moving dance, to the other person’s need for intimacy and need for space, learning how to engage in nonverbal communication that comforts, reassures, and breathes”
- “skill of attunement: recognizing when someone wants to come close and when they want space, not only by asking but also by reading subtle nonverbal cues”
My highlighted parts:
Introduction
- "Attachment theory teaches us that true autonomy relies on feeling securely connected to other human beings. Current developments in the field of attachment science have recognized that bonded pairs, such as couples, or parents and children, build bonds that physiologically shape their nervous systems. Contrary to many Western conceptions of the self as disconnected and atomized, operating in isolation using nothing but grit and determination, it turns out that close-knit connections to others are in large part how we grow into our own, fully expressed, autonomous selves."
- “belonging in human and nonhuman communities, it seems to me, is something like breathing in the invisible substance that sustains our life. When we can recognize that fact, we can turn our attention to the quality of the webs that contain and sustain us, and grow their health and well-being, which is the same thing as growing our own.”
- “we have relational responsibilities to one another regardless of our emotional closeness”
- “Harm, whether in the form of violation or neglect, is then understood as a harm to the integrity of those bonds, or as a failure to meet relational responsibilities”
- “Where we are born into privilege, we are charged with dismantling any myth of supremacy/entitlement. Where we were born into struggle, we are charged with claiming our dignity, joy, and liberation” (adrienne maree brown, Emergent Strategy)
- "Opposite of masculine rape culture is masculine nurturance culture: men increasing their capacity to nurture and becoming whole...Compassion for self and compassion for others grow together and are connected. This means that men finding and recuperating the lost parts of themselves will heal everyone.”
Chapter 3, Serena Bhandar's words
- “ When we say that only trans people transgress gender identity, then we do not permit room for cis people who feel shame about their gender identity”
- “When we permit that violence against trans folks, and create structures that permit that violence against trans folks, we also permit that violence against cis folks who experience those kinds of gender policing.”
- “It’s not that we are all the same. Instead, we all have the potential to be similar to each other. ”
- “when we ascribe masculinity to a person, we ascribe it as a stable, definite attribute. We don’t recognize how it can break and change and be tossed aside.”
Ch.4
- “shame aversion is a powerful emotional logic that connects otherwise incoherent emotional manipulation, switchbacks, and logical incoherence”
- “The essence of gaslighting is this: actively doing something to another person that, quite expectedly, leads them to feel feelings (sadness, hurt, confusion, fear) and then telling them or implying that they are crazy to feel those feelings because you did not do the thing that you did, in fact, do.” In other words, “messing with your sense of reality and undermining your sanity by saying something is not happening when it absolutely is”.
- “Even good men don’t really want women to trust themselves, because that would give back some of the power and control that patriarchy gives men.”
Ch. 5, Ruby Smith Díaz's words
- Afrofuturism, do character sketches imagining a world without oppression. "We ask what it would look like if we were truly free and unafraid to be who we are. What would you look like? What would you wear? What would your superpower abilities be, and how would you use them to bring healing into the world?" (reminds me of introduction question, “What would it look like to belong in the world as our whole selves?”)
- “use as a person socialized as a woman in this society I was taught that it’s desirable to take up less space. ”
- “If we want a world that is different and that leaves behind all of the oppressive systems and values that we have, we need to be able to heal ourselves, because we embody so many of those oppressive values and systems and perpetuate them in our lives...We absorb and replicate consciously and subconsciously the toxicity of the environments in which we are living” (Angela Y. Davis, Freedom Is a Constant Struggle)
Ch. 6, Aravinda Ananda
- “Shame is when a person feels they are inherently bad or have no worth. Healthy remorse, on the other hand, is quite different—it is when you acknowledge that you did something to hurt someone, and because you don’t want that harmful impact to continue, you would like to not only apologize but also repair that harm”
- “[and] when that harm does get recognized; suddenly someone is a bad person and disposable.”
- “But you can’t shame someone out of a shame aversion”
- “This fragility response may be caused both by internalized shame, and also by the conditioning into supremacy that creates an inherent expectation of entitlement. Countering both at the same time seems to help: “We like you, we are not going to shun you or turn away from you, you belong and have inherent worth as a human being, and also this action, this ingrained entitlement and harmful behavior is not OK and needs to stop. We will turn toward you, connect with you, and tell you no.”
- “false identity—that they are good because of the label of white” and therefore they can't let feedback in that their actions have a negative impact because it challenges that sense of self-worth (references Janet E. Helms' work)
- “There is a kind of deep, visceral betrayal of human trust that can magnify harm significantly, when those around you do not even perceive it occurring. And yet that is precisely how normalized systemic violence works: it renders the harm normal, and all resistance to harm “disruptive.”
- “There is healing from what has happened in the past, but there is also creating conditions in which the people around you can recognize continuing oppression happening in an ongoing way right now and say “no.”
“This requires setting up conditions of kindness and unconditional acceptance while also clearly establishing how actions that perpetuate systemic harm are not acceptable and need to stop”
Ch. 7, Own, Apologize, ask for Repair
- name what you did, apologize sincerely and lovingly, and ask what the other person needs to make things right between us
- As a white woman I can do this with white people about racism or colonization because I am not paying the personal cost in my body of being attacked by them as they work out their shame and guilt over beginning to understand reality. I can coddle and placate—(cough) empathize—and then find their edge, what they are willing to hear, and then offer a wider lens, because I am not in my body personally bearing the brunt of the violence.
- it is so taken for granted in our culture that those with marginal subjectivity will constantly placate those who are dominant
WELCOME ACCOUNTABILITY.
- “Ask yourself who the people are you would want to hold you accountable if you behaved in an abusive way. If you are the kind of person who likes to know when you have caused harm, then there are some valuable questions about how to make that real: How do you invite this information? How do you welcome it? How do you thank those who help you grow this way if they have to tell you because you have not figured it out for yourself? Do you realize just how scary it can be to tell you before they know how you will react? Do you confuse their fear of you for anger? Is their fear in any way justified? How can you make sure it is not?
If your focus is more on the fact that harm got named than it is on the harm itself, does this strike you as peculiar?”
- “Imagine replacing guilt with curiosity. Imagine saying, “Wow, it is so cool to recognize what I did. I’m excited I can hear you and grow. I did this, I did that, here is why it is fucked up. I’m so excited to learn how to come back into integrity with you. I’m so happy I can do this, that it is OK to fuck up and say sorry and learn together. This owning warms my heart.”
Own. Completely. Do not hide what you have done. Then ask, “Have I got you? Do I understand?” and let the person clarify. Mirror until you get it. Give this the time that the person harmed feels is needed.
Say, “Wow, thank you for sharing that with me. I know how hard it can be to share something like this. I’m really grateful you took that risk, and I’m taking it to heart. Here is what I’m going to do (concrete practical things) to make sure I get better about this in the future. Does that address the need?”
Ch.8
- We care about you and will not discard you, and we also will not accept that you do this; it cannot go on, we will not allow it
- instead of having this false divide between supposedly unmanipulated land and urban space, we can ask, have we cared for the land in a good way? If the answer is no, then what is our responsibility to change our ways of caring for and stewarding the land?
Ch.9, Alix Johnson
- There is no cultural context for you in which people assume that they hold together, and so you’re carving out solidarities one by one, relationship by relationship...the place I start a transformative justice intervention is small-scale. I think, “Who are two people who are going to show up for you? Who are two more people you can talk to about this?” I think about building from the ground up, rather than assuming support is already there, because building trust one by one is where a lot of people and communities are starting from
- The idea that we have relational responsibility only to those humans we love, and no responsibility toward anyone else, is destroying the very fabric of human connection in Western societies.
- I’m not a coparent, or an intimate partner, or a best friend, so I don’t have stakes, or a say in this.” When in fact we can often build trust and closeness and community by choosing to actively support survivors, and actively interrupt violence and harm
- Not cutting ties permanently with someone who has caused harm, but establishing what is and is not OK to do, and saying, as a community or as individuals, “These are my boundaries, when you can respect them we will talk.”
- Q: “is it possible to “hold someone else accountable” or do they need to “take accountability”?”
A: We can’t force change, but we can create conditions of safety for survivors. We can name harm and stop harm.
And I think that’s something people figure out for themselves, in practice, and case by case: how much you can engage directly with someone who’s doing harm, how much you stay and work with them through whatever resistance, and at what point it may be unproductive, or unsafe, to do that
July 3, 2019
Great read for its length. I can't speak for how this would read to a male-identified person who has no experience thinking or reflecting on these issues, but as someone already familiar, this book presented a lot of familiar topics in a clear, succinct way that gave me a better grasp on some things I understood but couldn't always put into perfect words. "Guilt is not the same as empathy" is the one line that really stuck with me, and I love it.
The other insight that really struck me was in the dialogue surrounding trans issues and gender, when the interviewee pointed out that trans people aren't the only people who have a complicated relationship to their own gender, most cis people do as well. I think this insight opens the door for a kind of universal politic that could pull cis people, even cis men, into LGBTQ+ politics in a way more dependable than just an "ally" providing "support/charity" which I think everyone has realised is a dodgy support as best. The trans movement has the potential to liberate us all from the trappings of gender. I think something can be done with that, and nurturance culture is the key.
The other insight that really struck me was in the dialogue surrounding trans issues and gender, when the interviewee pointed out that trans people aren't the only people who have a complicated relationship to their own gender, most cis people do as well. I think this insight opens the door for a kind of universal politic that could pull cis people, even cis men, into LGBTQ+ politics in a way more dependable than just an "ally" providing "support/charity" which I think everyone has realised is a dodgy support as best. The trans movement has the potential to liberate us all from the trappings of gender. I think something can be done with that, and nurturance culture is the key.
August 8, 2019
Thought provoking and useful for issues that do come up in community and in activist spaces. The discussions were the best parts- I only wish they could be on a panel to get to more specific questions! I would have liked to see more discussion on the stickier situations of transformation justice and addressing harm, such as when all parties claim harm from the others, harm happens within an interpersonal history of harm, harm does not occur along clear structural dominance/subordination identities, and how to address weaponization of harm language and transformational justice language among ourselves, and how to gracefully disengage or change course when folks can't or won't engage with the justice framework. As such, this quick read is more of a casual discussion among friends/comrades/colleagues than a deep dive or how-to manual. Don't regret reading it, didn't change my life.
September 2, 2019
Brilliant and a quick, conversational read and a great conversation-starter for people socialized as men, like myself, to reflect on how we are taught by society *not* to nurture the people in our lives, nor even ourselves. It's a book inspired by an essay called "The Opposite of Rape Culture is Nurturance Culture." The author of the essay and this book develops, through transcripts of conversations, related ideas and themes including masculine nurturance, attachment style, and gaslighting.
January 27, 2021
Nora Samaran’s voice doesn’t feel necessary as a thought-producer in Transformative Justice. Her take as a white person interviewing others & leading with her own insight was really frustrating & the original essay was highly problematic in regards to gender.
It’s a no for me. I was really irritated reading this as it feels like a white person taking theory & concepts from Black thinkers & regurgitating/ taking up space.
It’s a no for me. I was really irritated reading this as it feels like a white person taking theory & concepts from Black thinkers & regurgitating/ taking up space.
September 3, 2019
I wish this could be a mandatory read for literally everyone on the planet. This book is so insightful and discusses the major flaws of Western civilization/culture so well. If only we could all work a little harder to repair harm and to lean into hard conversations.
June 23, 2021
this was pretty good! it talks about transforming our relationships to be more nurturing and accountable, and it specifically speaks to masculine people re: patriarchy, and (somewhat less so) to white people re: white supremacy,, but it could be relevant to anyone looking to unlearn parts of oppressor / settler culture. for me, short essays like these about personal & emotional topics can sometimes be too intangible / unspecific, but she used personal examples at some points and that was helpful. the interviews with Natalie Knight and Serena Bhandar were my favorite parts,, they brought indigenous and trans perspectives that were lacking from the main essays.
the essays are online 4 free and they were def worth my time, they aren't too long anyways (sadly not the interviews which were some of my favs) — u can just google Nora Samaran and these blog entries:
— the opposite of rape culture is nurturance culture
— own, apologize, repair: coming back to integrity
— on gaslighting
this would definitely be a phenomenal book to give to men or white people who are just starting to think about unlearning western, carceral, colonial and other oppressive ways of acting. otherwise, not a must-read necessarily,, but i def wrote quite a few things down and will be thinking about em for a while !
the essays are online 4 free and they were def worth my time, they aren't too long anyways (sadly not the interviews which were some of my favs) — u can just google Nora Samaran and these blog entries:
— the opposite of rape culture is nurturance culture
— own, apologize, repair: coming back to integrity
— on gaslighting
this would definitely be a phenomenal book to give to men or white people who are just starting to think about unlearning western, carceral, colonial and other oppressive ways of acting. otherwise, not a must-read necessarily,, but i def wrote quite a few things down and will be thinking about em for a while !
February 27, 2021
I picked this up on a whim, halfway thinking it might be too touchy-feely for me, but not to worry. This is a short collection of essays and interviews with people who are working with developing different aspects of nurturance culture, and they are very insightful. This dovetails with ideas of restorative justice, and repairing actual harm rather taking a punitive approach, but on a more psychological level, dealing with the ingrained guilt and shame many people grow to take as normal within a culture that is not nurturing. Some of this is focused on ways to help abusive individuals and perpetrators of oppressive culture, while not centering or coddling them, and reminding us all not to do work that's unsafe for us. It would do a lot of people a lot of good to read this.
January 5, 2021
With attachment theory as the centerpiece, the author explores what a healthy mind/society would look like as well as what a biased/destructive mind/society is.
We get a view of the truly healthy mind and society that we would most all ideally want to like in as well as theorizing how a mind might arrive at a destructive/harmfulness/abusive consciousness. Not that the author lets the perpetrator off the hook or provides them with an alibi. Rather she goes into their possible, early life, basic conditioning that could lead them to believing their sociopathic thoughts/behaviors are in any way something to put into action and carry out.
We get a view of the truly healthy mind and society that we would most all ideally want to like in as well as theorizing how a mind might arrive at a destructive/harmfulness/abusive consciousness. Not that the author lets the perpetrator off the hook or provides them with an alibi. Rather she goes into their possible, early life, basic conditioning that could lead them to believing their sociopathic thoughts/behaviors are in any way something to put into action and carry out.
March 3, 2023
I read the introduction to this book during a theory class I took last semester, but honestly I think that intro (and the first proper essay) were the best parts of this short nonfiction book. The introduction and first essay are well worth the read, though! The first essay also frames attachment theory in a really fascinating and positive way that I don't feel like I've come across before
*this is also going to be, hopefully, the first of several reviews this week of "Jenni reads a bunch to pull quotes for the final chapter of her thesis"*
*this is also going to be, hopefully, the first of several reviews this week of "Jenni reads a bunch to pull quotes for the final chapter of her thesis"*
August 14, 2019
Just... wow. It's a high bar these days for me to actually pick up a book and read it cover to cover (raising kids, working, etc). I usually cheat by reading the essay/excerpt, listening to a podcast interview, and calling it good.
I made an exception for this, and am so glad I did. First one to claim it from the Seattle Public Library, inspired by my recollection of her outstanding essay that gave the title to this compilation.
This book is simultaneously eminently readable and unbelievably multilayered, textured, and nuanced. The kind of book you can read in an afternoon, then immediately turn back to the beginning to start again. I've been doing some fairly intensive work (intellectual, self, therapeutic, tiptoeing into somatic) in the last several years around these very topics, and still found myself knocked back on my heels by the power of a particular insight. I know it's a good book when I find myself taking pictures of entire pages.
The book is organized around three essays, each of which is nothing short of spectacular. I'm still processing most of what I read; the gaslighting essay has so much nuance that I think it'll need a couple re-reads.
Then some dialogues woven in, bringing in voices representing lived experience that the author cannot. I really appreciated this way of highlighting dimensions of intersectionality, and found that it enriched the text and overall impact (co-writing is an expression of co-creation, and why not?)
The whole thing is quotable, so do yourself a favor and just read it. Indeed, I'll probably have to buy a copy; the good ol' library may not be good enough here. Equal parts searing prose, like this:
"There is no cultural context for you in which people assume that they hold together, and so you're carving out solidarities one by one, relationship by relationship, in this kind of howling wilderness of harm." (pg. 126)
And aphoristic insight, like this:
"The idea that we have relational responsibility only to those humans we love, and no responsibility toward anyone else, is destroying the very fabric of human connection in Western societies." (pg. 127)
And powerful conclusions navigating fraught intellectual and emotional terrain, like this:
"It can be the case that we can't get into people's souls and get them to change, but that doesn't mean we go on letting harm happen." (pg 130)
And that was all just in four pages!
Lots more to unpack here. A note to self that resonated with my reading of Esther Perel on "the interstices between closeness and disconnection," and another on how much I resonate with what one contributor called "indigenous feminist ecology."
A great dialogue on pg. 118 about the complicated relationship between shame and rage (and empathy) that brought up for me Jessa Crispin's great critique of the "privileged female rage" narrative so avant garde in this moment.
I found the sections unpacking shame and guilt really powerful, and resonant for me with Brene Brown's work. A few quotes:
"There is a quality in guilt that paralyzes. Worse, it leads those who feel guilty to lash out like pythons or some kind of wild animal guarding a nest of self-loathing. 'Do not look at the man behind the curtain,' says the guilt, 'or I will attempt to destroy you just to stop you from getting near the core of my shame.'" (pg. 102)
"Guilt is not empathy. Neither is shame. In fact, when people feel overwhelmed by their own inner feelings of guilt, they are more likely to attack the people around them than act empathetically. Feeling guilty does not make you a good person. Empathy and responsiveness make you a good person. Guilt blocks empathy." (pg. 109)
A few other passages I want to capture for posterity:
"One of the processes for dismantling white supremacy is, oddly, building up white people's sense of fundamental worth and belonging... you can't shame someone out of a shame-aversion" (pg. 88-9)
"Until you have a core sense of worth and belonging, it can be very difficult to get to healthy accountability to others where, upon hearing feedback about the impact of harm, your sense of self neither collapses nor a false sense of worth needs to be defended." (pg. 90)
“We often inhabit and replicate the toxic behaviors of the society and the state we live in. We need to be able to understand what is happening to us and heal ourselves so we don’t perpetuate those toxic behaviors and ways of being.” (pg. 84)
Still struggling with the gap between intellectualizing ("understanding" something cognitively) and embodying it (ugh, so hard):
"To reach a life-sustaining culture and world, we need to live it into being. It takes a deep process of unlearning and reconditioning... Just because you have this flash of insight and want to create a sustainable culture, or a nurturance culture, doesn't mean that you're automatically going to be able to because your conditioned learning and mind may pull you back in." (pg. 95)
Anyway, lots more here. I count this among the most incisive and nuanced discussions of the complexities of gender, power, and domination I've come across. Highly recommend.
I made an exception for this, and am so glad I did. First one to claim it from the Seattle Public Library, inspired by my recollection of her outstanding essay that gave the title to this compilation.
This book is simultaneously eminently readable and unbelievably multilayered, textured, and nuanced. The kind of book you can read in an afternoon, then immediately turn back to the beginning to start again. I've been doing some fairly intensive work (intellectual, self, therapeutic, tiptoeing into somatic) in the last several years around these very topics, and still found myself knocked back on my heels by the power of a particular insight. I know it's a good book when I find myself taking pictures of entire pages.
The book is organized around three essays, each of which is nothing short of spectacular. I'm still processing most of what I read; the gaslighting essay has so much nuance that I think it'll need a couple re-reads.
Then some dialogues woven in, bringing in voices representing lived experience that the author cannot. I really appreciated this way of highlighting dimensions of intersectionality, and found that it enriched the text and overall impact (co-writing is an expression of co-creation, and why not?)
The whole thing is quotable, so do yourself a favor and just read it. Indeed, I'll probably have to buy a copy; the good ol' library may not be good enough here. Equal parts searing prose, like this:
"There is no cultural context for you in which people assume that they hold together, and so you're carving out solidarities one by one, relationship by relationship, in this kind of howling wilderness of harm." (pg. 126)
And aphoristic insight, like this:
"The idea that we have relational responsibility only to those humans we love, and no responsibility toward anyone else, is destroying the very fabric of human connection in Western societies." (pg. 127)
And powerful conclusions navigating fraught intellectual and emotional terrain, like this:
"It can be the case that we can't get into people's souls and get them to change, but that doesn't mean we go on letting harm happen." (pg 130)
And that was all just in four pages!
Lots more to unpack here. A note to self that resonated with my reading of Esther Perel on "the interstices between closeness and disconnection," and another on how much I resonate with what one contributor called "indigenous feminist ecology."
A great dialogue on pg. 118 about the complicated relationship between shame and rage (and empathy) that brought up for me Jessa Crispin's great critique of the "privileged female rage" narrative so avant garde in this moment.
I found the sections unpacking shame and guilt really powerful, and resonant for me with Brene Brown's work. A few quotes:
"There is a quality in guilt that paralyzes. Worse, it leads those who feel guilty to lash out like pythons or some kind of wild animal guarding a nest of self-loathing. 'Do not look at the man behind the curtain,' says the guilt, 'or I will attempt to destroy you just to stop you from getting near the core of my shame.'" (pg. 102)
"Guilt is not empathy. Neither is shame. In fact, when people feel overwhelmed by their own inner feelings of guilt, they are more likely to attack the people around them than act empathetically. Feeling guilty does not make you a good person. Empathy and responsiveness make you a good person. Guilt blocks empathy." (pg. 109)
A few other passages I want to capture for posterity:
"One of the processes for dismantling white supremacy is, oddly, building up white people's sense of fundamental worth and belonging... you can't shame someone out of a shame-aversion" (pg. 88-9)
"Until you have a core sense of worth and belonging, it can be very difficult to get to healthy accountability to others where, upon hearing feedback about the impact of harm, your sense of self neither collapses nor a false sense of worth needs to be defended." (pg. 90)
“We often inhabit and replicate the toxic behaviors of the society and the state we live in. We need to be able to understand what is happening to us and heal ourselves so we don’t perpetuate those toxic behaviors and ways of being.” (pg. 84)
Still struggling with the gap between intellectualizing ("understanding" something cognitively) and embodying it (ugh, so hard):
"To reach a life-sustaining culture and world, we need to live it into being. It takes a deep process of unlearning and reconditioning... Just because you have this flash of insight and want to create a sustainable culture, or a nurturance culture, doesn't mean that you're automatically going to be able to because your conditioned learning and mind may pull you back in." (pg. 95)
Anyway, lots more here. I count this among the most incisive and nuanced discussions of the complexities of gender, power, and domination I've come across. Highly recommend.
Read
November 23, 20203.5
Didn't love it as much as I thought I would. Particularly the essays from the author which I found to be pretty reductive. However the interviews throughout the book were more interesting and nuanced, and I'm interested in learning more about the work of those folks.
Didn't love it as much as I thought I would. Particularly the essays from the author which I found to be pretty reductive. However the interviews throughout the book were more interesting and nuanced, and I'm interested in learning more about the work of those folks.
Read
April 27, 2020"[Aravinda Ananda] Transformation is deeply relational. It's not, 'I'm going to go and receive enlightment on top of a mountain by myself.' That's a colonizer's story of disconnection and self-sufficiency. While I have personal responsibility, it is in relation to the others. It is an illusion and quite dangerous to think that I can do it all on my own." p 93
"The idea that we have relational responsibility only to those humans we love, and no responsibility toward anyone else, is destroying the very fabric of human connection in Western societies. Disconnection is not our physiological reality. That sense of disconnection is an illusion. To rebuild a healthy community, then, we need to understand that we have deep relational responsibilities toward even those humans whom we have not chosen and with whom we do not share deep intimacy or even friendship." p 127
Rutro. #pandemic
"The idea that we have relational responsibility only to those humans we love, and no responsibility toward anyone else, is destroying the very fabric of human connection in Western societies. Disconnection is not our physiological reality. That sense of disconnection is an illusion. To rebuild a healthy community, then, we need to understand that we have deep relational responsibilities toward even those humans whom we have not chosen and with whom we do not share deep intimacy or even friendship." p 127
Rutro. #pandemic
August 22, 2023
Review after finishing:
Unsure if I wanted to give this book two or three stars—jk came back to revise my rating to one star. I don’t think I would actually recommend this book generally so I went with two stars. The way and reasons I’d recommend this book would be so specific and narrow… I’d caution it’s a pretty irritating/wtf read for anyone /not/ cis & straight, /not/ white or white-adjacent, and has experience with RJ/TJ as a practitioner.
I would recommend this book only for:
- Introduction: Nurturance means holding the circle
- Own, Apologize, Repair: Coming back to integrity
- Dialogue: Moving into action, mapping terrains of struggle.
I didn’t realize the author was white until it felt like a disclosure at page 100 (the essay where she mentions being white is pretty great, the second one listed above). I found that to be annoying given the ppl the author is in dialogue with are described with their identities as context—being white is necessary context esp for this kind of content imo. Knowing the author is cis-, hetero(??) and white would’ve helped me process the large swathes of bewildering text between the essays I did like. I’d suspect that those three above were written/derived towards the end of this book project.
I appreciate the author including dialogues that challenge them and push their analysis and show their thoughts have changed, but some of it was like kinda surprising what needed to be stated plainly. I am curious re: Canada v. US and how/which theory flows and is of interest across the border. Is this book popular in Canada?
Anyway, I was hooked by the Introduction (their cursory description of attachment styles was okay/not great—I thought the author would get deeper, they didn’t) and I really liked the two latter chapters above and found most of the rest almost impossible to read/get through… I pressed on because the intro was so good and in the area of content I’m really looking for… so! If you’re in my boat… skip to the two chapters above. Lol.
Review before finishing:
So far, I’m just about halfway through, the original essays aside from the introduction are difficult to read because the perspective is pretty binary and maybe self-limiting but speaking generally for folks with an aggro emphasis on cis-hetero women and men.
I appreciated the interview that got at the basic necessity of starting with a foundation of a trans*perspective rather than scripting the binaries (cis-hetero). Perhaps I changed as a reader and find it incredibly hard to read this type of writing unless the theory is grounded in a very gender and sexually queer matrix (I’m reminded again that Blackqueer womens’ perspectives are always-already at minimum gender queer in US society & culture).
Like ot would be fine if this was written in a way where the emphasis is on the author’s particular experience rather than trying to round things up to this is “women’s experience”. Because I just don’t relate with her examples lol. I’m hoping there’s some kind of arc that’s gonna happen in the last half of the book where the author really “gets it” at the end that these issues are way beyond a BASIC cis-gender or aggressively hetero dualities/binaries/perspectives…
Just to illustrate what I’m talking about and what prompted me to post this mid-book review… there are examples in the gaslighting section that I just don’t relate to like at all—like automatically deferring to a strong and loudly wrong opinion about apartment hunting just bc it comes from a male friend (eg dude says, “people only post on Craigslist you would waste your time driving around looking for for rent signs”). I suppose I could see ppl needing practice identifying and interrupting freeze/fawn responses but I just didn’t even read dude’s response as particularly gendered it’s just wrong and it’s ok to say “pretty sure I’ve seen signs around and older ppl might prefer to rent this way rather than fussing with an online post”… like how the author heard it came with a story rather than one actually existing. There’s something about owning your own healing and distorted thoughts than throwing it onto ppl and claiming it’s systemic sexism.
And the writing isn’t clarifying for me just making things more confusing and the only thing clear to me is that my perspective or experiences from communities I am in are totally obscured rather than the author just speaking on their own behalf if that makes sense.
I would like to quiet my judgmental inner part around this but it’s so interesting that so much in the originally written parts of the book cause such a reaction. A constant erasure or misunderstanding. I’m going to keep reading while being mindful of my reactions (including judgment).
Unsure if I wanted to give this book two or three stars—jk came back to revise my rating to one star. I don’t think I would actually recommend this book generally so I went with two stars. The way and reasons I’d recommend this book would be so specific and narrow… I’d caution it’s a pretty irritating/wtf read for anyone /not/ cis & straight, /not/ white or white-adjacent, and has experience with RJ/TJ as a practitioner.
I would recommend this book only for:
- Introduction: Nurturance means holding the circle
- Own, Apologize, Repair: Coming back to integrity
- Dialogue: Moving into action, mapping terrains of struggle.
I didn’t realize the author was white until it felt like a disclosure at page 100 (the essay where she mentions being white is pretty great, the second one listed above). I found that to be annoying given the ppl the author is in dialogue with are described with their identities as context—being white is necessary context esp for this kind of content imo. Knowing the author is cis-, hetero(??) and white would’ve helped me process the large swathes of bewildering text between the essays I did like. I’d suspect that those three above were written/derived towards the end of this book project.
I appreciate the author including dialogues that challenge them and push their analysis and show their thoughts have changed, but some of it was like kinda surprising what needed to be stated plainly. I am curious re: Canada v. US and how/which theory flows and is of interest across the border. Is this book popular in Canada?
Anyway, I was hooked by the Introduction (their cursory description of attachment styles was okay/not great—I thought the author would get deeper, they didn’t) and I really liked the two latter chapters above and found most of the rest almost impossible to read/get through… I pressed on because the intro was so good and in the area of content I’m really looking for… so! If you’re in my boat… skip to the two chapters above. Lol.
Review before finishing:
So far, I’m just about halfway through, the original essays aside from the introduction are difficult to read because the perspective is pretty binary and maybe self-limiting but speaking generally for folks with an aggro emphasis on cis-hetero women and men.
I appreciated the interview that got at the basic necessity of starting with a foundation of a trans*perspective rather than scripting the binaries (cis-hetero). Perhaps I changed as a reader and find it incredibly hard to read this type of writing unless the theory is grounded in a very gender and sexually queer matrix (I’m reminded again that Blackqueer womens’ perspectives are always-already at minimum gender queer in US society & culture).
Like ot would be fine if this was written in a way where the emphasis is on the author’s particular experience rather than trying to round things up to this is “women’s experience”. Because I just don’t relate with her examples lol. I’m hoping there’s some kind of arc that’s gonna happen in the last half of the book where the author really “gets it” at the end that these issues are way beyond a BASIC cis-gender or aggressively hetero dualities/binaries/perspectives…
Just to illustrate what I’m talking about and what prompted me to post this mid-book review… there are examples in the gaslighting section that I just don’t relate to like at all—like automatically deferring to a strong and loudly wrong opinion about apartment hunting just bc it comes from a male friend (eg dude says, “people only post on Craigslist you would waste your time driving around looking for for rent signs”). I suppose I could see ppl needing practice identifying and interrupting freeze/fawn responses but I just didn’t even read dude’s response as particularly gendered it’s just wrong and it’s ok to say “pretty sure I’ve seen signs around and older ppl might prefer to rent this way rather than fussing with an online post”… like how the author heard it came with a story rather than one actually existing. There’s something about owning your own healing and distorted thoughts than throwing it onto ppl and claiming it’s systemic sexism.
And the writing isn’t clarifying for me just making things more confusing and the only thing clear to me is that my perspective or experiences from communities I am in are totally obscured rather than the author just speaking on their own behalf if that makes sense.
I would like to quiet my judgmental inner part around this but it’s so interesting that so much in the originally written parts of the book cause such a reaction. A constant erasure or misunderstanding. I’m going to keep reading while being mindful of my reactions (including judgment).
March 20, 2025
An interestingly structured must read book. The author delves deep into conversations with colleagues and from those conversations come revleations about harm, harm reducation, and creating community. This book is for everyone, but especially if you are raising children or raising children adjacent. A theme of own, apologize, repair runs throughout this work; something we can all do better at.
Read
August 9, 2019This book has its origins in an online essay by Nora Samaran called "The Opposite of Rape Culture is Nurturance Culture" that went viral when it was first published, and also I think in a direct follow-up that circulated quite widely called "On Gaslighting." These two essays are included and also augmented by a few other pieces by Samaran and by a number of dialogues between Samaran and other people engaged in related work around violence, healing, and justice. The book aims to flesh out what the author means by "nurturance culture" and to talk about the various kinds of work being done to create it.
I encountered the original essay twice over the years, once not long after it was published when I was looking for material about shame (an abiding interest of mine), and then more recently when someone pointed me in its direction in response to a question about resources related in a broad sense to listening. Both then and now, I find it a powerful piece that speaks to the work that men need to be doing on our own and with others to make our lives better and to make us better able to be part of just and liberatory communities. In my most recent reading of it, it did make me think about a tendency I first noticed during the initial rise of #MeToo, which is the relative lack of public space for engagement with the *specificities* of men's experiences of how we are harmed by and complicit in patriarchy. This essay, for instance, outlines several broad ways in which human beings form our capacities for attachment to other human beings, and I can see myself in that typology, but I also as I read felt quite conscious of the limits of broad categories, even reasonably accurate and robust ones, to translating insights for self-work and political intervention into the messy, category-overflowing realities of everyday life. Of course, this broad public lack of space for engagement with specificity and nuance is not the fault of this essay or really any other piece talking in broad terms about men's complicity/men's harm under patriarchy – the problem is how little we ourselves talk and write about how that big picture plays out in our everyday lives.
As for the rest of the book, I thought it was mostly interesting (other than one piece that missed the mark) and it certainly created the basis for a more politically expansive way of thinking about nurturance culture and about harm and justice in our communities. A lot of the basic ideas in it were things I had encountered before, but there are far fewer resources out there talking about this kind of work happening in grassroots ways than there should be, and it is always valuable to encounter new voices, new examples, and of course some new-to-me ideas. I'm a big proponent of a model of producing knowledge of the world that prioritizes listening/reading across difference as a way to understand each other, ourselves, and the social world that has produced us both, and the dialogues in this book were an opportunity to do that. However, my engagement with the original essay, from my first reading of it years ago to my just-once-more-before-I-mark-the-book-read final re-read yesterday, was much more self-focused, much more directly about the hunger that I think many men feel to have these experiences named in a way that both prods us to effort and suggests useful tools, and the rest of the book was mostly not that. Of course I do recognize how inappropriate it is to wish for a book by an anti-authoritarian feminist to be more centred on men's needs – that wasn't the goal of the book, nor should it have been, and listening deeply to all of these other people is also key to men figuring our *stuff* out, albeit in a somewhat different way. But I do hope that this book not only inspires men to have conversations with each other, but inspires more of us to write and to share and to publish in ways that continue to explore Samaran's ideas and to create space for understanding the specificities of how complicity in and harm from patriarchy winds through our lives.
[I also published this review on my blog: https://scottneigh.blogspot.com/2019/...]
I encountered the original essay twice over the years, once not long after it was published when I was looking for material about shame (an abiding interest of mine), and then more recently when someone pointed me in its direction in response to a question about resources related in a broad sense to listening. Both then and now, I find it a powerful piece that speaks to the work that men need to be doing on our own and with others to make our lives better and to make us better able to be part of just and liberatory communities. In my most recent reading of it, it did make me think about a tendency I first noticed during the initial rise of #MeToo, which is the relative lack of public space for engagement with the *specificities* of men's experiences of how we are harmed by and complicit in patriarchy. This essay, for instance, outlines several broad ways in which human beings form our capacities for attachment to other human beings, and I can see myself in that typology, but I also as I read felt quite conscious of the limits of broad categories, even reasonably accurate and robust ones, to translating insights for self-work and political intervention into the messy, category-overflowing realities of everyday life. Of course, this broad public lack of space for engagement with specificity and nuance is not the fault of this essay or really any other piece talking in broad terms about men's complicity/men's harm under patriarchy – the problem is how little we ourselves talk and write about how that big picture plays out in our everyday lives.
As for the rest of the book, I thought it was mostly interesting (other than one piece that missed the mark) and it certainly created the basis for a more politically expansive way of thinking about nurturance culture and about harm and justice in our communities. A lot of the basic ideas in it were things I had encountered before, but there are far fewer resources out there talking about this kind of work happening in grassroots ways than there should be, and it is always valuable to encounter new voices, new examples, and of course some new-to-me ideas. I'm a big proponent of a model of producing knowledge of the world that prioritizes listening/reading across difference as a way to understand each other, ourselves, and the social world that has produced us both, and the dialogues in this book were an opportunity to do that. However, my engagement with the original essay, from my first reading of it years ago to my just-once-more-before-I-mark-the-book-read final re-read yesterday, was much more self-focused, much more directly about the hunger that I think many men feel to have these experiences named in a way that both prods us to effort and suggests useful tools, and the rest of the book was mostly not that. Of course I do recognize how inappropriate it is to wish for a book by an anti-authoritarian feminist to be more centred on men's needs – that wasn't the goal of the book, nor should it have been, and listening deeply to all of these other people is also key to men figuring our *stuff* out, albeit in a somewhat different way. But I do hope that this book not only inspires men to have conversations with each other, but inspires more of us to write and to share and to publish in ways that continue to explore Samaran's ideas and to create space for understanding the specificities of how complicity in and harm from patriarchy winds through our lives.
[I also published this review on my blog: https://scottneigh.blogspot.com/2019/...]
January 29, 2021
One of the social problems most resistant to solution is how communities can continue to include, nurture, and correct people who have harmed others while simultaneously including, nurturing, protecting, and making whole their victims. Nora Samaran and the colleagues she has interviewed are making progress. I am encouraged by their efforts and successes and appreciate knowing about them. (I found Ruby Smith Diaz's Afrofuturism Trading Cards project especially inspiring.) Although I'm not really a fan of nonfiction and this book made me work harder than I like, I have to admit I learned some things I did not know that are useful to me, such as the various types of avoidant personalities.
June 29, 2020
i know that I’ll circle back to this book bc of the foundational ways they discuss transformative justice, harm and nurturance culture.
such a good guide which offers radical frameworks to understand the ways we can address harm!
such a good guide which offers radical frameworks to understand the ways we can address harm!
June 27, 2024
Cool read, many valuable nuggets. I did find the intro article very hetero/cis centric but was pleasantly surprised when the next chapter was a critique of this article focused on this aspect. One of the coolest points to me was about how cis and trans people have the same relationship with gender, both via themselves and society.
I Found it really interesting how she emphasized the role of shame in conflict and how it impedes accountability and relationships with other people. It makes me reflect on what shame I hold and how that affects my interactions and relationships with others especially during conflict. And vice versa how the shame others hold impacts the way they show up with me in conflict.
I also appreciated the sections where she talked about bringing people in who have caused harm, and not discarding those who we are in community with as nobody is “good” or “bad”. This makes me consider the importance of maintaining relationships even when harm has occurred. I think this is something i try to do anyways, it is v difficult for me to come to the point of letting relationships go. I for the most part always do seek repair. Especially important with harm in close relationships, where that harm is ONLY possible due to the depth of the relationship. A stranger could not hurt you this way. It is truthfully much easier for harm to occur in close relationships than in distant ones. So if we are truly committed to community-building, we should prioritize repair in relationships, this ability strengthens relationships and communities. I think it’s important to note also that repair does not mean a “return to” but a “restructuring of” the way two parties relate to one another.
She mentioned how important it was to have clear mechanisms for addressing harm and coming to repair in community and I think the same holds true for close relationships. Considering right now what this looks like practically in my own life. Repair is part of our relational responsibility to one another.
(Caveat i’m talking harm within reason, some harm is irreparable, most harm leaves a permanent stain upon ur psyche and nervous system, and not all of this is recoverable)
Cool read, would love similar literature from a black queer perspective so i have to do less adapting, so i feel more mirrored.
I Found it really interesting how she emphasized the role of shame in conflict and how it impedes accountability and relationships with other people. It makes me reflect on what shame I hold and how that affects my interactions and relationships with others especially during conflict. And vice versa how the shame others hold impacts the way they show up with me in conflict.
I also appreciated the sections where she talked about bringing people in who have caused harm, and not discarding those who we are in community with as nobody is “good” or “bad”. This makes me consider the importance of maintaining relationships even when harm has occurred. I think this is something i try to do anyways, it is v difficult for me to come to the point of letting relationships go. I for the most part always do seek repair. Especially important with harm in close relationships, where that harm is ONLY possible due to the depth of the relationship. A stranger could not hurt you this way. It is truthfully much easier for harm to occur in close relationships than in distant ones. So if we are truly committed to community-building, we should prioritize repair in relationships, this ability strengthens relationships and communities. I think it’s important to note also that repair does not mean a “return to” but a “restructuring of” the way two parties relate to one another.
She mentioned how important it was to have clear mechanisms for addressing harm and coming to repair in community and I think the same holds true for close relationships. Considering right now what this looks like practically in my own life. Repair is part of our relational responsibility to one another.
(Caveat i’m talking harm within reason, some harm is irreparable, most harm leaves a permanent stain upon ur psyche and nervous system, and not all of this is recoverable)
Cool read, would love similar literature from a black queer perspective so i have to do less adapting, so i feel more mirrored.
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