- Scuse me, Fred Rosen - no, don't try to scurry away, I know it's you, I got your picture right here, see - "Fred Rosen, author of Lobster Boy and Body Dump", see, right here.
- Yeah look whaddya want kid, I'm busy. You want an autograph?
- No, I want my money back.
- What? huh?
- Because the only reason I read your damned revolting execrably written piece of shit was to find out how on God's earth a family (a mother, a father, two grown-up kids, that's a family right?) can live in a house, an ordinary house, which contains five human corpses in the loft and three more in the crawl space, having been put there by the son in the pursuit of his principal hobby, and they just don't notice when the stench of decomp overwhelms and pervades every pore of their lives like a jukebox which can only play Elton John, when awful effluvia remains curled up and nestled in every corner of their being, when they wake, when they sleep, when they eat, and this is how they live for a year as the bodies pile up because of the son's shall we say limited notions of what constitutes spring cleaning, and they, the father, the mother and the daughter (not the son, he knows whereof these noisome vapours, this dismal reek) never get the exterminator guy in for a complete fumigation, never complain to the council about the drains, and it's a complete surprise to these people when the authorities haul the eight by now skeletal but previously full of flesh remains from out of their happy home - I wanted to know what kind of people these were and you, you big Fred Rosen, you didn't tell me at all. At all.
- yeah well it's a good question.
- but that's why I read your rubbish book.
- well, nobody ever found out. They wouldn't talk.
- well that's not good enough, gimme my money back.
- well how much did you pay?
- 0.1p plus postage from Amazon.
- you cheap bastard
- yeah well, it's not Anna Karanina, it's Body Dump
- well here's your one penny and screw you
- plus postage, £2.75
- look I'm just trying to make a living selling other people's misery to nauseating voyeurs like you
- what, now you're insulting the only friends you've got? What are you, the Van Morrison of true crime writers?
[the encounter degenerates into frank name calling and unseemly shoving. Finally they walk away hurling lame insults.:]
What I learned from this book was that I should stop, I should really really stop reading trashy true crime. For a while, at least.
Also, that some people's olfactory sensibilities are a good deal different to mine.
**************
[I just reread this and I would like to say to Fred Rosen and his lawyers and members of his immediate and extended family that the persons represented in the review above are like really made up and fictitious and what I'd like to say is that any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, true crime writers or not, is purely coincidental, as is the remarkable co-incidence that the guy's name is Fred Rosen. So, you know, please bear that in mind. Don't hurt me. Don't kill my pets. My name is not really Paul Bryant. I could be anybody. Also, same goes for that stuff I wrote about Van Morrison, Mick Jagger and Richard Nixon. Wait - Nixon is dead, so I don't care about that one]