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Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

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Informative, inspiring, and enlightening, Becoming the Parent You Want to Be provides parents with the building blocks they need to discover their own parenting philosophy and develop effective parenting strategies.  Through in-depth information, practical suggestions, and many lively first-person stories, the authors address the many dilemmas and joys that the parent of young children encounter and demonstrate a range of solutions to the major issues that arise in the raising of babies, toddlers and preschoolers.  Full of warmth, clarity, humor, and respect, Becoming the Parent You Want to Be gives parents permission to be human: to question, to learn, to make mistakes, to struggle and to grow, and, most of all, to have fun with their children.

448 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1997

101 people are currently reading
1619 people want to read

About the author

Laura Davis

14 books87 followers
In her 30+ year career as an author and writing teacher, Laura Davis has written seven non-fiction books that change peoples’ lives. Laura’s ground-breaking books have been translated into 11 languages and sold more than two million copies.

The Courage to Heal and The Courage to Heal Workbook paved the way for hundreds of thousands of women and men to heal from the trauma of sexual abuse. Becoming the Parent You Want to Be a rich resource guide, co-authored with parenting expert Janis Keyser, helps parents develop a vision for the families they want to create. And I Thought We'd Never Speak Again teaches the skills of reconciliation and peace building to the world, one relationship at a time.

Her forthcoming October 2021 memoir, The Burning Light of Two Stars: A Mother-Daughter Story, tells the story of Laura’s dramatic and tumultuous relationship with her mother, Temme, from the time of Laura’s birth until her mother’s death. This story about “two souls who just wouldn’t quit each other” provides a no-holds-barred peek at the real Laura—the woman behind the teacher, the facilitator, and author.

If you pre-order The Burning Light of Two Stars today, you can claim a variety of great thank you gifts (like immediate access to the first five chapters of the book), as well as other bonuses—just hop over to Laura’s website and let her know you’ve bought the book: https://lauradavis.net/the-burning-li... and you can download your bonuses right away.

Laura’s love of words extends into her teaching life. She loves building communities of writers and teaches weekly writing workshops online and in Santa Cruz California. and leads transformative writing retreats in northern California, Bali, Peru, Italy, Spain, Vietnam and other international destinations. As the founder and moderator of a free online writing community, The Writer’s Journey Roadmap, Laura sends out evocative writing prompts by email every Tuesday.

To learn about Laura’s classes and retreats, subscribe to her weekly prompts, or receive a free e-book, free e-book, “Writing Towards Courage: A Thirty Day Practice,”

You can find Laura at: www.lauradavis.net.
Facebook: LauraDavis&TheWritersJourney
Instagram: laurasaridavis

Laura lives in Santa Cruz, California with her spouse Karyn and their new yellow lab puppy, Luna. She enjoys swimming, hiking, mahjong, making kombucha, motion theater, her grandchildren, and of course, writing.

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5 stars
264 (45%)
4 stars
193 (33%)
3 stars
91 (15%)
2 stars
19 (3%)
1 star
14 (2%)
Displaying 1 - 30 of 67 reviews
Profile Image for Shelley.
231 reviews4 followers
October 3, 2008
This "thinking outside the box" parenting book is less about child care and basics and more about dealing with your issues that affect the way you parent.

Topics within the book include
* developing a vision for your family- what are you really teaching your children?
*the dangers of praise and labeling
*anger while parenting
*tantrums
*emotional development of children
*helping your child deal with fear
*healthy relationship to food
*children's sexual exploration
*social play and development
*moving beyond limiting gender roles
*living in an ethnically-rich world
*building sibling relationships

Additionally provides lists of children's books
*overcoming fear
*bedtime
*ethnicity and diversity
2 reviews1 follower
February 17, 2008
This is one of the most helpful parenting books I have read. The book is fairly extensive; it goes well beyond discipline, feeding adn pooping. It looks at who youar e as a parent, who the family is, feelings, dvelopment and bahavior.

I have not read it cover to cover, and definately do not agree withe very single point in the book. But instead pick it up and read the parts I need. There is a fantastic section on alternatives to yelling. It also poses the question to mom and dad, "Why are you yelling?"

There is a specific section about boys superhero play and guns. Any parent of a boy will understand why that's there. :)

This book is not just a bunch of to dos or one persons idea of being a great parent, but instead gives parents the opportunity to look inside and make decisions about how they interact with their chidlren, focussing on how their actions shape their children.
10 reviews
May 14, 2009
When Sophie turned three I smugly thought to myself, "terrible two's, what terrible two's ? That was a piece of cake!". Then the challenges REALLY began! My buttons have been pushed in ways I never imagined and I am challenged almost daily not to go to the dark side and repeat some of the mistakes my parents made. This book has been a lifeline for me. In addition to providing information about normal developmental stages and ways to cope with various challenges, it gives parents the opportunity to reflect on their values and offers tools to help parent in a way that is in alignment with those values.
Profile Image for Anastasia.
6 reviews1 follower
September 10, 2011
I am an avid parenting book reader. I received this before my son was born as a gift from one of the authors daughters. I have never been SO grateful for the gift of a book. The authors are frank and honest and offer an incredible range of parenting experience "stories". Excellent advice with a multitude of different possible approaches. Like going out to a cup of coffee and coming home refreshed and ready to be the best parent you can be... Which is a good enough parent.
Profile Image for Ilya.
8 reviews9 followers
February 13, 2016
A helpful, thorough and compassionate book that covers issues of the first 5 years of parenting. Loved it!
Profile Image for D'Anne.
639 reviews19 followers
January 27, 2014
It only took me five years to read this book, not that I'm trying to brag. I found the book to be really, really useful with a lot of good strategies and ideas for being a good parent. The overly-earnest tone made me cringe at times and some of the book is out of date (the book does not acknowledge the Internet, though it does mention CD ROMS, I think), but that's a small price to pay for learning how not to be an asshole to your kid.

I also really appreciate that the book is aimed at all parents, not just heterosexual ones, and specifically acknowledges gay and lesbian parents.

I keep wavering between giving this 3 or 4 stars, but since I actively try to use a lot of what I've learned from this book every day, I'll go with 4.

Best sentence to use out of context: "It seems like she should be wearing pants to climb that mountain."
10 reviews
October 2, 2008
I enjoyed this book and got a lot of useful information. I appreciate that the book comes from the perspective of respect for the child as a person. It did have a couple of areas that I felt gave the child too much power in the familial relationship, but the vast majority of the book gives good alternatives to the dominating, oppresive styles of many parenting books. It is a challenge to balance freedom for children with boundaries and discipline, and this book made me wonderfully concious of how I was parenting and my actual goals as a mother. It helped me to realize that you can take the easier (is parenting ever easy??) route of psasive parenting, or the alternative and more rewarding route of active parenting, continually striving to learn more for myself and my child.
5 reviews
June 21, 2008
I think this may be on my "currently-reading" shelf forever... it's such a great resource book and I find myself appreciating the easy reads of well-organized topics presented in a style very similar to Ann Keppler's groups... makes it comparatively easy to think about how I want to approach a multitude of specific situations~ for example, a few different ways to talk about sharing, most of which resonate with me (& I'm grateful to have a variety of approaches that I can imagine R responding to in different circumstances!), approaching tantrums of all kinds/from all sources, etc... very nice.
Profile Image for Kate Turner.
10 reviews2 followers
July 14, 2009
This book is more about identifying your family's values and following them than about parenting the author's way, and that's refreshing. I hate one-size-fits-all solutions to complex parenting problems. This book also contains great book recommendations for addressing all sorts of issues (siblings, potty training, diversity in families, fears) and a good section on how to make fun toys for toddlers out of stuff around the house.
Profile Image for Naomi.
50 reviews9 followers
January 12, 2009
I'm only about 1/3 of the way through so far (don't have a lot of time to read these days), but I must say I am loving this book!! It is full of great information, and I really like that they are not saying "you have to do this and if you don't you're stupid", but are being respectful of your personal choice.

This is the kind of book I'd love to own so I can continue looking to it many times.
Profile Image for Clare.
5 reviews2 followers
July 28, 2008
Love this book - keep referencing it over and over! I have had for 4 years...LOVE IT!
Every parent should have a copy of it to reference...

very positive parenting style

children's feeelings, dealing with difficult behaviors, social learnign and play, blah blah blah
326 reviews5 followers
June 22, 2013
This is my favorite parenting book because rather than preach one style or method it outlines multiple developmentally-appropriate approaches. I read this cover-to-cover in 2004 when my oldest was born, and have revisited individual chapters as needed since then.
Profile Image for Natalie.
312 reviews14 followers
December 3, 2008
Prescriptive, with too many general 'story-scenarios' ... but the gist is in the table of contents where the main nine points are laid out.
Profile Image for Ellen Hartman.
Author 13 books23 followers
April 8, 2015
Helped me actually "become the parent I wanted to be." I used some of the sample dialogue verbatim to practice. Really wonderful book. I always recommend this one to new parents.
19 reviews1 follower
April 30, 2023
Essential Reading for New Parents

I took my time reading this book. I read tiny sections every day for about a year and a half. Nothing longer than an Instagram post, really. If you're a very busy parent, that's one way to digest a book!

A lot of these topics are covered in other books that I've read, but this is the only one that includes it all in one place.

If you want to understand your child and parent from a place that honors your child, then I highly recommend this book!
305 reviews5 followers
October 8, 2017
Subtitled "A Sourcebook of Strategies for the First Five Years," this book provides helpful insights into child development and parenting. Sections include A Framework for the Parenting Journey, Children's Feelings, Children's Bodies Dealing with Difficult Behavior, Social Learning and Play, and Family Relationships. This edition is from 1997 and a little dated; not sure if there's anything more recent.

Regarding the importance of observation of our children, a few quotes (p 12):
--"If we really pay attention when we observe children, we soon learn that everything children do is done with a purpose, that everything children do is 'right'--from their point of view at the time they are doing it."
--"When we deal with children, we are not merely one person. We are at least three people: we are parents of our children, we are children of our parents, we are adults with our own interests and needs. Often these 'three people' in us do not agree. Each sees something different when we observe, and each has different ideas about what should or shouldn't be done about it."

Regarding juggling competing needs, they suggest the following: go easy on yourself, think about what's really important, set priorities, assess the hierarchy of needs, and think about the family as a whole. "What's important isn't balance at every moment. Balancing needs in a family happens over time. We just need to make sure that the scale doesn't tip too regularly toward the needs of any one member of the family, leaving the others continuously in the backseat." (p 45)

They had a helpful section on "Gatekeeping," "the term we use to describe the ways parents consciously or unconsciously limit or control other people's relationships with their children. Sometimes gatekeeping is overt; a mother never leaves her kids in anyone else's care. But often it's more subtle than that. Gatekeeping shows up whenever we try to orchestrate other people's interactions with our children." To allow others to have close relationships with our children, they suggest that we pass on information in respectful ways, make decisions together, support our partner as a parent, allow the child to bond with someone else, let others participate in daily caregiving routines, step back, let others participate when the child is struggling, teach our children about the specialness of their relationships, open up the world, and take this chance to learn about love. (p 380-382)
161 reviews
February 14, 2012
Where to start? This is my new favorite parenting book for so many reasons.

-First, and most remarkable to me, is that this is a book not specifically targeted to queer parents that nonetheless frequently acknowledges our existence. In a world where every other parenting books assumes "Dad" will be the one to help with night weaning, it's amazing to have a book suggest that the "non-nursing parent" might be the one to comfort a child who wakes at night and wants to nurse. Queer families are included in the examples so naturally and respectfully, and I loved not having to change pronouns. In general, the authors assume nothing about your family structure, going so far as to have a separate chapter on parenting with a partner rather than a separate chapter on single parenting (which is what several other parenting books we have do).

-Second, the parenting approach is awesome. There's a lot of language borrowed from Magda Gerber on respecting babies and toddlers (one of the co-authors worked at the Santa Cruz Toddler Center, the RIE day care that brought you 1, 2, 3 ... The Toddler Years: A Practical Guide for Parents & Caregivers), an entire chapter on confronting limiting gender roles (with recommendations for non-sexist kids' books) and another chapter on preparing children to live in a diverse world.

-Third, the first chunk of the book is about figuring out, for yourself, how you want to reconcile all the conflicting advice out there to build your personal parenting philosophy. I wish I'd read this book first, as it advocates doing what I've ultimately done: consider our personal family context, pick what works, and not let William Sears make me feel bad about anything.

I borrowed this from the library, but I actually think I'm going to purchase a copy so I can refer to it over and over.
187 reviews3 followers
August 1, 2017
This wasn't as much of a pleasure read as a sort of homework-for-parents read that I got through gradually, reading little bits here and there over the past year or so before recently coming back and plowing through the whole thing. I appreciate that a lot of the information in the book is well-researched, and their advice is in line with most of the recent research I've read even though some of it is pretty dated, e.g., little mention of computers, references to VCRs. The style just didn't resonate with me. The writers use lengthy anecdotes on almost every page to make points, and I got sick of what felt like contrived examples of too-perfect parents having mature and productive dialogues with their tots, especially the constant ones based on the experiences of the two writers with their own offspring. I do see that reading about specific parents and children in similar situations to those I find myself in with my own kids helps me recognize that many parenting issues are universal, i.e., my daughter isn't the only toddler to throw tantrums in the grocery store. However, I'd prefer the anecdotes to be de-emphasized compared to generalized research findings, or for them to be separated in the layout rather than having anecdotes both in the regular text and then once again in special highlighted boxes. There is a big emphasis on being inclusive of all kinds of diversity, which is nice both as a means of reaching out to readers with varying backgrounds and also as a reminder to all readers that "family" and "parent" mean all sorts of different things to different people.
24 reviews1 follower
August 10, 2016
I liked that this book outlines a more compassionate parenting approach based on listening and communication rather than discipline but am skeptical about how well it will work in practice. Many of the examples seem to illustrate child behavior that I wouldn't expect. For example, active listening "You really want that truck that I'm not letting you buy" would seem to illicit more anger from the child in many cases but perhaps children are different enough from adults that my intuition is wrong.
I found the numerous examples from parents with diverse backgrounds very helpful as well as the wide range of topics covered and the highlighting which makes quick reading easier for this busy parent. As my children get old enough to use more of this advice I will be able to better evaluate it's value and practicality.

I checked this book out initially from the library but just ordered a used copy through amazon for reference purposes.
Profile Image for Amanda.
73 reviews2 followers
March 18, 2008
I haven't completely finished this, I think because it's not a very read-through-all-the-way type of book. It doesn't have a strong progressive structure, which means you can skip around, but the problem is that it's so unorganized that I have trouble figuring out what the point is of what I'm skimming. I realize that my difficulties with the book, then, are my own fault for lack of attention, but that's all I have time for right now. :) The positives are that it's a collection of many wise parents' thoughts and experiences raising children in a mindful and gentle way. It's one I think I could come back to in the future and learn more for another stage of the journey.
Profile Image for Wendy.
55 reviews
November 2, 2007
Date would be the last date I referred to this book.

A very useful book about the soft side of parenting -- basically helps you figure out what kind of parent you are/want to be and what might be challenges and strategies to getting you there. My aunt (who lives in Santa Cruz, CA) gave it to me and I think the authors live there, so there's a bit of the hippy here, but not too much.

It's really useful as a kid is growing up and you need to discipline and help a child learn. But there's lots about babies too. Highly recommend to parents.
Profile Image for Shannon.
149 reviews
April 6, 2011
Easy read - clear, practical and thoughtful suggestions for dealing with all kinds of parenting issues, helps to clarify your own goals and values as a parent . . . can't recommend this enough! It is invaluable to have a book like this in your home because inevitably situations come up with your children that you don't have any idea how to handle and you can come back to this book if only just to get some meaningful ideas about how you want to react the next time it happens. Helps alleviate the feeling of "flying blind" ;)
Profile Image for Mady.
11 reviews
March 23, 2011
Thought provoking... really framed so many of the decisions one makes as a parent in ways that made me question the choices I have been making up to this point. Poignant, compassionate, and merciful to it's readers, reading this book left me feeling hopeful about my ability to change and grow as a mother. I know that some people take issue with the approach of the book to crying in infants, but I think it is worth reading for yourself- my impression of the author's approach was very different when I read someone else's paraphrasing of it.
243 reviews3 followers
February 19, 2016
It took me months to read this book - it is very long and each section provides a lot of food (and even a list of questions to help the reader reach their own perspective) for thought. I should read it again, but I'm going to try to digest it while I read a book on a different topic.

I need to review the section on gender- there was something at the beginning that struck me as "wrong," (again, I need to re-read) but there were a lot of good points beyond that.

I recommend this book highly because it is like a manual for gentle parenting.
Profile Image for Andrea Roth.
25 reviews24 followers
September 10, 2009
I LOVE this book. I have only read about 40 pages and I've already started applying it. Its funny too, when I was reading, How to Be Good, I seriously started hating the main character because she was totally making mistakes they point out in this book. Mainly, shew was hating her child because her daughter was like her dad and less like her. It was totally obvious that her hatred was from short comings within herself and not because of the little girl's actions.

Profile Image for Erin.
20 reviews6 followers
March 25, 2008
One of the more useful parenting books on my bookshelf (I have a ton of them). I definitely refer back to this one on a regular basis!

The first part of the book examines the reasons why we parent the way we do and how to decide what kind of parent we'd like to be (and how to get there). I found it very interesting. The last half of the book is dedicated to specific issues (from potty learning to biting to introducing a new sibling), and is a great reference.
Profile Image for Kaitlyn Federwitz.
10 reviews
May 12, 2017
Other than the feeding and potty-learning segments of this book, this is by far one of my favorite parenting books and one that I have found to be the most helpful. Even though I just borrowed it from the library, I would gladly add this to my own book collection so that I could turn to it whenever I need to. The parenting style they use is very similar to the style I am trying to use and the advice was so helpful. I will highly recommend this book to other parents of young kids!
62 reviews
July 7, 2007
A great book when you've outgrown Dr. Sears's The Baby Book. Takes a broad view of specific parenting dilemmas, but maybe too broad an analysis of too-specific problems? Might be useful to a parent in crisis, but not in developing an overall approach to parenting. I found Buddhism for Mothers to be more helpful.
406 reviews
August 7, 2008
While not all of the solutions are something I would want to try, I do like how it is a gentle discipline book that discusses different behaviors that parents might observe in their children and want to change and often give a variety of different discipline approaches to try. It's much more of a practical book than most of the gentle discipline books I've read.
Profile Image for Kristen.
129 reviews5 followers
August 26, 2011
I loved this book and referred back it to many times when my daughter was small. I found it very reassuring, like an older friend telling you, "yes, this phase of development sucks but don't worry, it will pass -- and here are a couple ideas that might help." I honestly wish there was an edition for ages beyond five.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 67 reviews

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