The War for Kindness: Building Empathy in a Fractured World

by Jamil Zaki

"In this masterpiece, Jamil Zaki weaves together the very latest science with stories that will stay in your heart forever."--Angela Duckworth, author of Grit

Don't miss Jamil Zaki's TED Talk, "We're experiencing an empathy shortage, but we can fix it together," online now.

Empathy is in short supply. We struggle to understand people who aren't like us, but find it easy to hate them. Studies show that we are less caring than we were even thirty years ago. In 2006, Barack Obama said that the United States was suffering from an "empathy deficit." Since then, things seem to have only gotten worse.

It doesn't have to be this way. In this groundbreaking book, Jamil Zaki shares cutting-edge research, including experiments from his own lab, showing that empathy is not a fixed trait--something we're born with or not--but rather a skill that can be strengthened through effort. He also tells the stories of people who embody this new perspective, fighting for kindness in the most difficult of circumstances. We meet a former neo-Nazi who is now helping to extract people from hate groups, ex-prisoners discussing novels with the judge who sentenced them, Washington police officers changing their culture to decrease violence among their ranks, and NICU nurses fine-tuning their empathy so that they don't succumb to burnout.

Written with clarity and passion, The War for Kindness is an inspiring call to action. The future may depend on whether we accept the challenge.

Praise for The War for Kindness

"A wide-ranging practical guide to making the world better."--NPR

"Relating anecdotes and test cases from his fellow researchers, news events and the imaginary world of literature and entertainment, Zaki makes a vital case for 'fighting for kindness.' . . . If he's right--and after reading The War for Kindness, you'll probably think so--Zaki's work is right on time." --San Francisco Chronicle

"In this landmark book, Jamil Zaki gives us a revolutionary perspective on empathy: Empathy can be developed, and, when it is, people, relationships, organizations, and cultures are changed."--Carol Dweck, author of Mindset

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Science, Sociology, Philosophy, Self Help, Personal Development

263 pages, Hardcover

Published June 4, 2019

Reviews

[Ericka Clou · Rating 3 out of 5]

For anyone who has read books on empathy or attachment for a general audience, the beginning of this book is a huge recitation of studies you have already read about repeatedly. The shame those bad-Samaritan priests must feel to be dragged for all eternity! But the second half of the book was an improvement in that it was at least new information, but unfortunately, by then, it's the end of the book so the topics were insufficiently covered.

This makes me interested to read Paul Bloom's book Against Empathy mentioned many times here. Which is ironic because I think Zaki was disagreeing with it when he brought it up so much? The fact that I'm not sure is also not a great recommendation of TWFK. But surely Against Empathy must have some new-to-me content.

[Oana Filip · Rating 5 out of 5]

I could start a book club after reading Jamil Zaki's amazing writing. This lecture deserves its fair share of debating, changing ideas, switching perspectives, and expanding acceptance.

Until I create the opportunity to engage in such a meaningful dialogue, I leave you with one powerful sentence from this book. Unfortunately, it sums up the world we live in today. The good news is that we're better than this, and we can change the way we understand and manifest empathy.

"They are enemies before they have a chance to be people."

[Brian Griffith · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m really impressed with this guy. His writing is lively and relatable. When he discusses the psychological, sociological, political, or technological aspects of mutual care, he's drawing on field research as the director of the Stanford Social Neuroscience Laboratory. Among other things, he investigates burnout among intensive care medical staff, the culture clash between “warrior” and “guardian” policing, and competing strategies for school discipline. He explores the rise of online mutual therapy communities, where social media becomes a force for empathy rather than a replacement for it. The insights are helpful, relevant, and realistic.

[عزام الشثري · Rating 4 out of 5]

كتاب يسلّح الإنسان ليخوض حرب تعزيز التعاطف في العالم
فكرته عن التعاطف المنظم -عبر الشرطة مثلا- مثيرة للاهتمام
قصص إحياء الحكماء للتعاطف في نفوس المجرمين هي الأجمال
تميّز بالأسلوب الدسم والعذب وغزارة الدراسات في سياق متماسك
وواجه صعوبة في تأسيس تعاطف على نظريّة داروين بعيدًا عن السماء
كما تمنّيت لو ساهم في تعميق فهم جذور تمزّق العالم وغياب الإيمان
.
أكتب هذه الاقتباس الطويل لأنه قد يثير في نفسك ما أثار في نفسي

"
افترض الطب أنّ لمس أمعاء المولود المخدَّر لن تؤلمه
فأجرت مليساء جراحةً لفرانشيسكو، ذو الشبر والنصف
اكتشفت التهابًا حادًّا قتل أمعاءه ويتعارض مع بقاءه حيًّا
لكنها كانت مستاءً من أمر آخر؛ فعندما قاموا بالشقّ الأوّل
ارتفعت ضربات نبض فرانشيسكو، إشارةً لشعوره بالألم
كان على والدي فرانشيسكو الصغير أن يقبلا موته الرحيم
لكنّهما قرّرا ألّا يتواجدا عند إزالة دعامة الحياة عن طفلهما
لكن الأطفال في العناية المركزة للمواليد لا يموتون وحدهم
كلّ طفل يموت على ذراعي أحد من الطاقم، تطوّعت إلينا
جلست على أريكة وثيرة، بدأت الممرضة بإزالة الأجهزة
وأحاط بها وبالطفل كامل الطاقم، معظمهم وقوف، باستثناء ليز
التي جلست بجانب إلينا، وجثت مليسا على ركبتها بجانبهم
كنّا مثل مشيّعين في لوحة من عصر النهضة، أجسادنا نحو نقطة
مركزيّة، فوقنا رسم كارتوني لميكي ماوس تحته اسم فرانشيسكو
أغلقت ليز عينيها ووضعت إصبعيها على جبهة فرانشيسكو
انطفأ جهاز التنفس الصناعي الخاص به، وامتلأت الغرفة بالصمت
أعاد الفريق التحقق من وصول كمية مخدّر مورفين كافية لفرانشيسكو
تناوبت ليز ومليسا على تحسس نبضاته التي استمرت عشرين دقيقة بعد نفسه الأخير
عندما تحققت مليسا للمرة الرابعة نظرت للساعة والدموع تتساقط على وجنتيها
تعانق الجميع بهدوء، وقام الفريق باستعدادات تحضير جثة فرانشيسكو
بعد ساعات، حضرت مناسبة، وإذا سألني أحد عن حالي صرخ عقلي: فرانشيسكو مات أمس
لكنّي سكتّ، اخترت وحدي أن أكون في العناية المركزة، لذا لم أستطع فرض هذه المأساة عليهم
في المقابل بدت أخبارهم (ورقة رُفضت، موعد غرامي سار على ما يرام) تافهة للغاية
لم يكن ذلك خطؤهم، لكن فرانشيسكو استحوذ على اهتمامي في تلك الحياة العادية
أخبرتني الممرضة بأنها حين تعود، ويتحدث خطيبها عن مشاكل التسويق الصعبة
التي واجهها اليوم، هناك جزء بداخلها يقول: أنا لا أهتم، فهذه ليست مشكلة أساسًا
"

[Antony Monir · Rating 3 out of 5]

So this book is kind of a mixed bag for me since there is a lot I liked and a lot that I didn’t. This book is at its best when it talks about systemic causes of our empathy depletion crisis. For example, I found the chapter on social media to be super interesting as it showed the effect our “connected” world has on our relationships (I am not against social media as I recognize its many benefits; I am merely objective about it). Also, Zaki makes an important distinction between concern and distress empathy which is important because people tend to believe that empathy is merely feeling sad when another person is sad. However, the book often fails in showing how we can improve empathy on a SYSTEMIC level. Since BLM, I’m sure everyone has grown tired of hearing the word “systemic” yet the idea behind it remains important. Leftists have been right in advocating for systemic change. What Zaki advocates for mostly boils down to putting a band-aid over the wounds in our society while ignoring the sickness behind it all. For example, in the chapter on police, Zaki pretty much ignores much of the rottenness in the justice system (he does mention systemic biases a couple of times without including them in his analysis) and argues that it can be fixed with more empathy. I agree with Zaki that empathy is going to solve many of the issues yet I still believe that much more can be accomplished through systemic change without putting the burden on the individual. I also find that much of the book is very surface level and does not provide much ammunition in terms of ways to reliably increase people’s empathy. If there’s a war for kindness as the title says, I’m afraid we already lost. To end the review on a positive note, there is one really amazing thing that Zaki has done in this book. In the appendix, after a nice but brief explanation of the various types of empathy, Zaki goes on to rate the scientific claims he has made throughout the book. He does this by looking at the sources he took and judging their reliability. This is incredibly important in growing fields such as psychology where new research can lead us towards conclusions that are not necessarily supported by the evidence. By giving us an idea of how reliable/supported each claim is, Zaki reaches an exemplary level of transparency. Any author of popular science/social science needs to follow this model of claim rating since misinformation causes much of the harm in today’s world.


Edit: I was in the shower and I remembered that I didn’t talk about the writing style of this book. Spoilers: it’s kinda uninspired. I don’t expect much from popular science/social science books but I have seen much better than this. I have also seen much worse. Final rating: 3/5

[Madiha Ahmed · Rating 5 out of 5]

كتاب رائع ومبهر
سأعمل ملخصا عنه قريبا ورينا حلقة في القناة
لا أكتفي بالتوصية لقراءته
الكتاب يستحق لأننا نعيش عصرا قاربت فيه البشر للتخلي عن إنسانيتها بالتعاطف مع الآخر
هذا الكتاب سيعيد لك الثقة عبر رؤية الكاتب لمفهوم التعاطف والدراسات المرفقة وباضافة القصص المؤثرة
سيجعلك حتما تميل لكفة عظمة هذا الشعور النبيل
“العطف” ليتأكد لنا مدى حاجتنا التي غدت ملحة في هذا العصر وضاربة في جذور بشريتنا أننا نمتلك حزءا يسيرا من هكذا شعور
ولكن كيف نصل إليه ونفهمه ونمارسه مع بعضنا العض؟

سأكتفي إلى هنا وسأعود بعد أن أرتب أفكاري ومشاعري وأدون أهم الأفكار التي سأحملها معي لاحقا

———
المراجعة على القناة

https://youtu.be/qcWQzddTz0A

[Eduardo Santiago · Rating 4 out of 5]

You’ve read about those studies that “prove” that empathy is malleable; in which subjects primed with pictures of puppies and butterflies behave more favorably toward fellow humans. You’ve also probably grumbled in frustration at how pathetically short-term (and useless) those studies are. Zaki too: he likens those to fast-twitch muscles, the kind useful for sprints but not marathons. Zaki is very much interested in the long run, and has devoted his research (and book) to the proposition that empathy is a muscle, that it can be trained and grown and encouraged. With permanent effects. He shows us some of the promising research on how best to do it, especially for those less likely to devote themselves to a life of meditative contemplation.

He covers a lot of ground: medical professionals, police, criminals. Empathy in education, especially younger ages, yields disproportionately positive results. (Yes, he talks about morality and about the people who prefer to punish punish punish rather than "be soft". As one might expect from a compassionate writer, he tries to win them over with facts—an approach which, I fear, is hopeless against authoritarian-centered brains). Even technology—even social media technology, which he overwhelmingly blames for the exponential growth of discord this century—has much to offer if we use it right.

I was disappointed that he didn’t talk about the role of hate-based religions; nor did he even mention any of the recent findings on morality (e.g. Haidt’s work). And I’m discouraged, admittedly preemptively, that none of the people who really need to read this book will ever read this book. Four and a half stars, rounding down because I’m feeling dejected about the world right now, but even so please grab this book (or borrow my copy). We can all benefit and learn from reading it.

[Sara · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.8⭐ Lots of helpful research and stories are shared, but much less practical steps and strategies were shared than expected!

[Doyeon Ahn · Rating 4 out of 5]

“사람은 변할 수 있다”

2018년 가을즈음 이 한 문장을 가슴에 품었다. 주장을 뒷받침하는 과학적 근거는 없었다. 그저 살기 위해 붙잡은 동아줄 같은 것이었다. 그 무렵 나는 나를 혐오했었고 삶의 이유를 찾지 못�� 늘어져 있었다. 그랬던 나에게 “사람은 변하지 않아” 혹은 “사람은 고쳐 쓰는거 아니야” 따위의 말들은 사형 선고나 다름 없었다. 하지만 이런 회의적 말들에도 과학적 근거는 없었다. 다시 살아보고 싶었다. 희망이 필요했다. 그래서 ‘사람은 변할 수 있어’ 라고 끊임없이 되내었다. 그렇게 여태껏 살아남았다.

자밀 자키 교수님은 사람은 변할 수 있다고 얘기한다. 조금 더 구체적으로는, 사람의 공감 능력은 자발적 의지와 타인의 도움으로 (유전적으로 결정된 가용 범위 내에서) 향상할 수 있다고 주장한다. 이를 뒷받침 하기 위해 다양한 과학적 근거들이 제시되는 점이 흥미롭다. 예를들어, 과학자들은 냉전시절 핵실험에서 발생한 방사선 동위 원소를 인간의 뇌에서 측정하고 이를 통해 성인의 뇌에서도 새로운 뇌세포가 생성된다는 사실을 밝혀냈다.

부록 챕터에서는 ‘공감’이라는 개념을 Sharing / Thinking about / Caring about 의 세 가지 조각들로 분류한다. 저자는 이 세 조각의 ‘공감’들이 어떤 방식으로 상호보완 하는지를 다음과 같은 예시들로 설명한다: 1) 우리가 길거리의 노숙자들이 겪는 고통을 외면하는 것은 그들의 상황을 상상하고 인지하기 위한 노력이 부족하기 때문이다 (Thinking about의 부재). 2) 우리는 갈등을 빚고 있는 상대방을 인지하기 위해 노력하지만 상대가 잘되기를 바라는 마음은 부족한 경우가 많다 (‘Thiking about’ 는 충분하지만 ‘Caring about’의 부재). 3)우리가 겪는 감정적 번아웃은 감정의 공유를 지나치게 많이하기 때문에 일어나며, 이러한 감정적 공유를 상대가 잘되기를 바라는 마음으로 치환함으로써 번아웃 증상을 회복할 수 있다 (‘Sharing’에서 ‘Caring about’으로의 전환).

감성적 영역이라고 생각했던 ‘공감’이 이성적 영역으로 여겨지는 ‘과학’의 관점에서 해석되는 과정을 따라가며 묘한 이질감과 함께 잔잔한 위안을 얻는다. 다소 막연했던 “사람은 변할 수 있다” 라는 나의 믿음이 조금 더 견고해짐을 느낀다. 변할 수 있기에, 나는 노력한다.

[Clark Hays · Rating 3 out of 5]

The future of empathy looks bleak

Author Jamil Zaki, travels an engaging but expected path in The War for Kindness, investigating empathy — a complex term he defines as sharing, thinking about and caring about the feelings of others. Zaki describes the evolutionary role of empathy (increasing collaboration, and therefore improving survival odds), the alarming lack of empathy in our current society (which begs the question: is lack of broad-based empathy simply the human condition?) and shows how it can be learned as a skill and manipulated in the lab — this last bit to underscore how, in theory, we could increase empathy to reduce strife.

Along the way, Zaki also tells some truly engaging stories that bring empathy to life such as how a former racist moved past his own hatred and a particularly gut-wrenching section set in a neonatal emergency unit. He is a talented and especially sensitive writer, but I was disappointed by the conclusion.

The final chapter, which feels light and unmoored from the rest, almost slapped on, suggests we owe it to future generations to be more empathetic now. It was a very unsatisfying conclusion. Like religion, that requires some sense of an external greater good to use as a backstop. Who determines the greater good? How can we ever know what fictional future generations will think of our actions? A corporate raider may feel perfectly justified in greedily widening the wealth gap because their sense of empathy assures them future generations will thank them for preserving capitalism, all the while stepping over homeless people. Empathy is an imperfect tool that allows humans to do horrific things to each other — it is tribal empathy that allows so many to brutalize and kill those in other tribes.

We need a framework that allows us to be empathic in the moment, not another weirdly forward-looking faith-based system that dangles the promise of a utopian future state to guide our actions.

I liked the book, and recommend it, but the author — and readers — should think long and hard about a conclusion that feels misguided and perhaps even dangerous. If empathy can be so easily dialed up or down, and can be used to justify some of our darkest actions, we should be focused on expanding the boundaries of those whose feelings we care about, not in the future.

I would have given the book another star if not for the misguided final chapter that undermined — for me — a very engaging read.

[Nina Krasnoff]

This was our faculty summer read. I have no qualms with the argument (we are capable of increasing our empathy & then it goes on to describe concrete ways) and I thought the writing style was engaging. But did I learn anything? Am I more empathetic than I would have been if I’d read a novel in its place? This type of book confuses me

[Monica · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm really looking forward to discussing this with my faculty reading group this fall. The writing style is engaging, with lots of stories to illustrate what the research has found, as well as an interesting appendix that talks about the reliability of the research cited. As a teacher who often finds myself experiencing compassion fatigue, this book had some good, practical advice.

[Samantha · Rating 3 out of 5]

First, thank you to Netgalley for providing me with an advanced copy of this book.

I had recently finished reading Sally Kohn’s book “The Opposite of Hate” so I couldn’t help but noticed the similarities between the two works. Jamil Zaki is a psychologist and the tone of this book echoes that fact strongly. While Kohn’s book was many times conversational in tone, Zaki’s book took on an academic tone from the start. He references many empirical studies on empathy (which can lead to kindness) throughout the book. While Kohn focused on combating hate within others and ourselves, Zaki focused on empathy and how we can influence it within ourselves and others and how it influences our behaviors. Zaki’s department studies empathy a lot so it’s not shocking that the book revolves around this topic. As the book progressed, Zaki divulged more personal experiences into the narrative and I felt that added a more pleasant reading experience when I can connect with the author. My favorite part of this work was in the Appendices. He went through every claim that he made in each chapter, including the introduction and epilogue, and rated the claim on the evidentiary proof or validity of the claim. Most or all of books in the social sciences have a list of references or footnotes containing where information cited is found. Zaki has this as well, but rarely do I read a book that provides this type of breakdown of his claims. I wish all books did this to be honest. I went in expecting this book to be uplifting and hopeful for the future of our society and it was in a way, but it is clear that it requires us to put more effort into making our future better. I would recommend this book to fans of Kohn’s book “The Opposite of Hate” and other books on the topic of kindness, empathy, combating hate, changing the combative discourse of the media and society as a whole and self-improvement books.

This review is also posted on my personal blog.

[C.A. · Rating 3 out of 5]

Kindness seems a rather mild panacea for the world we currently live it, but the author disagrees. Rather than a hearts and flowers argument, Zaki deals with the often imperfect reality we deal with. He goes into places where empathy is necessary, such as a neonatal ICU and shows how there are two different forms of empathy and how one can lead to burnout and the other keeps them engaged. It also goes into more fraught arenas, such as policing, and shows the problems in getting institutions to change and yet how beneficial they can be. I also like that he has a section in the back where he is honest about the studies he sites in the book (older, often replicated results versus interesting, promising but new research that needs more research). Thought provoking with suggestions, not answers.

[Hess · Rating 4 out of 5]

So, this book was the surprise of the week.

Let's start with the negatives.

The opening pages are dull as dishwater. Zaki starts with his personal history followed by a short ode to Carol Dweck. Next, a rehash of decades-old research we've all heard before. Finally, he concludes that empathy can be trained like a 'muscle'.

Yawn.

What's missing is a decent critique of the downsides of empathy. And in particular - the cost of empathy to those who have too much of it. (and yes, I write this as the kid who'd cry "ouch!" in gym class when someone else got hurt) In many settings, empathy-avoidance is a psychologically sound response. Rather than decry the lack of empathy in individuals, we need more books that explore why we are creating a society that discourages empathy to the extent that ours does...

But I digress. I first picked up this book from a McKinsey podcast. Given both the source and the title, I had assumed it would be about "the war for people with a high EQ" in an organisational setting. Boy was I wrong.

Instead, this book talks about empathy in the broadest sense.

Chapter 3 explores the uses of empathy and "exposure therapy" to combat hate crime. This is a topic of personal interest, so I tuned in. You'll find my notes behind the spoiler.

"Contact therapy" was first pioneered by Gordon Allport, who believed that mixing people of different backgrounds together would reduce bigotry. Despite many attempts, researchers have found mixed evidence for this. Here's an extract from the book with the original theory:

"Bring groups together and give them equal status, even if one group has more power the rest of the time. Focus on their mutual goals. Make it personal; let people learn about each other's idiosyncrasies. And support cooperation between groups through the institutions around them. Fulfill these tenets, Allport claimed, and contact could do wonders.

The theory might sound naïve-less rigorous science than Haight-Ashbury handholding. But it's one of the most well-studied concepts in psychology. In a recent analysis of more than a quarter of a million people, the pattern was clear: the more time someone spends with outsiders, the less prejudice they express."

After describing the original theory, Zaki moves on to the work of Emile Bruneau, who applies contact therapy today. Bruneau has discovered that when two groups (of different power bases) get equal airtime, members of the dominant group will often leave the session feeling "more empathy" towards the minority group than they did before. This is the opposite experience to minority groups, who will often leave that same session feeling resentful.

Bruneau believes that this is because the minority group already understands the majority's perspective, which they've had to in order to survive. As a result, v2 of this research is now about promoting balance through "perspective giving". Trials for this new approach are underway across the world, but whether it will work is yet unknown.

Chapter 4 explores the use of stories and storytelling to build empathy. Here, Zaki covers reading, acting and the early successes of the Changing Lives literature programme for convicts. This is all very early research, so the conclusions are tentative.

Chapter 5 deals with the issue of burnout and caring too much. I honestly feel that Zaki should have led with this. We live in a time of crisis when it comes to care and caregiving. Perhaps this is due to a lack of words for empathy, or broader expectations for care within and beyond families. But, it is an indisputable fact that as a society, we're not valuing our caregivers enough. This passage, in particular, gave me pause:

"We tend to see exhaustion as a defining feature of good parenting: the belief that one has given their child everything and then a little more. But living up to this ideal can take a physical toll. In one set of studies, parents reported on their empathy, and their adolescent children described their own emotional lives. Kids of empathetic parents reported less anger and fewer mood swings, and bounced back more quickly from stress. But empathetic parents paid a price: They exhibited low-grade inflammation and greater signs of cellular aging. When adolescents experienced depression, empathetic parents (but not less empathetic ones) suffered even more inflammation. It was as though caring parents transferred their own well-being to their kids."

I mean, eek -- here's hoping that this particular bit of science turns out wrong. A few pages on, Zaki continues:

"Even without children or ailing loved ones, people can easily become stretched by caring too much. Modern life gives us unprecedented opportunities to broaden our empathy, and journalists and activists have taken full advantage, inundating us with images of suffering in the hopes of inspiring action.
...but by inundating us with these images, the media fosters an epidemic of compassion fatigue. In 1996, psychologists found that up to 40 percent of television viewers were exhausted by coverage of bad news. Since then, the news cycle has quickened and intensified. In 2018, a Pew poll found that almost seven in ten Americans experienced "news fatigue".
Few are at greater risk of overdosing on empathy than "caring professionals": physicians, social workers, therapists, teachers, and others who work with people in need. As we've seen, when people feel like someone else's pain will overwhelm them, they steer clear. Caring professionals don't have that option."

Zaki then takes us into an intensive care unit for premature babies, and walks us through the heart breaking life of a little boy called Francisco. These are moments in which the book resembles a memoir, and it becomes almost impossible to look away.

Chapter 6 looks at empathy in law enforcement and schools. This is a fascinating chapter both from a historical & organisational culture perspective, though the number of applicable take-aways for business is small.

Chapter 7 mourns the rise of Facebook and explores the use of AR tech to teach kids with autism how to recognise facial expressions. It also introduces Koko. Koko is a peer-to-peer mental health programme for young people who are struggling with dark thoughts and depression.

the Appendices offer a detailed lit review of all the scientific claims that are made in this book, along with the author's level of confidence in each. I have to say, I appreciated this enormously. For those of you that want a preview, there's a more detailed version of this chapter available online.

TL;DR: this is a valuable look at the state of empathy-research today. And, it also offers a useful definition of empathy in the appendices:

"empathy is not really one thing at all. It's an umbrella term that describes multiple ways people respond to one another, including 1) sharing, 2) thinking about, and 3) caring about others' feelings.

1) experience sharing is the closest we come to dissolving the boundary between self and other. It is empathy's leading edge. It is evolutionarily ancient, occurring in monkeys, mice, and even geese. It comes online early in life: infants mimic each other's cries and take on their mothers' distress. And it occurs at lightning speed.

2) 'thinking about' is cognitive empathy, also known as 'mentalising' or explicitly considering someone else's perspective. It requires cognitive firepower that most animals don't have, and thus arrived later in evolution. And though children pick up experience sharing early, it takes them longer to sharpen their mentalising skills.

3) 'caring' or empathic concern is a motivation to improve someone else's well-being. This is the part of empathy that most reliably sparks kind action.

The thing with empathic processes is that they activate different brain systems and are useful at different moments. Poker and boxing require keen mentalising-What does your opponent know?-but are ill-served by concern. Parenting can be the opposite: you may never understand why your toddler is in melt-down, but you must do what you can to help.

People also differ in their empathic landscapes. An emergency room physician likely feels great concern for their patient, but cannot do their job if they are also taking on their pain. Individuals on the autism spectrum sometimes struggle with at mentalising, but still care about and share others' feelings. Psychopaths are the opposite: they are perfectly capable of telling what others feel but are unaffected by their pain."

That said, I do not think that this book will age well. Most of the research cited here will advance in the next decade. And the author's own research (about 'growing' empathic ability) isn't conclusive enough to shake up the whole field.

If you are looking for a primer on where the research is today, then you could pick up a lot from this book. But if you want a primer on valuing empathy at work, or using it better in your own life, then I'd give this one a miss.

[Jeff · Rating 4 out of 5]

Is empathy fixed? Are certain people born extra "sensitive" and attuned to others' feelings while others are born with much less capacity to empathize? That's what the so-called "Roddenberry Hypothesis" (named after the emotionless android, Data, on Star Trek) says. Jamil Zaki, professor of psychology at Stanford and the director of the Stanford Social Neuroscience Laboratory, sets out to disprove this hypothesis in his book, The War for Kindness: Building Empathy in a Fractured World.

Here's the breakdown:
Ch. 1 - There are those that are "fixists" and those that are "mobilists" when it comes to human psychology. Zaki is a mobilist. He believes that certain parts of our psychology are pushed and pulled on a day-to-day (second-by-second!) basis. He believes that empathy is one of those aspects that can be pushed or pulled, turned up or turned down. He enlists the help of Carol Dweck, who is known for her work on "growth mindset."

Ch. 2 - Zaki shows that people who have endured suffering tend to be more empathic. But how can we increase empathy with masochistically embracing suffering? He suggests that we can do small things, small nudges to increase empathy. There's a great experiment mentioned about a Good Samaritan-like story about soccer fans. A person pretended to be injured on a roadside while wearing Team A jersey, again wearing Team B jersey, and again wearing a generic soccer jersey. Fans tended to help the fan wearing their team's jersey or the neutral jersey but not the fan wearing the rival jersey. If we can redefine our circles (our "tribes"), we can consciously increase our empathy.

Ch. 3 - This chapter is about "formers": former white nationalists, former Jihadists, etc. Dehumanization and hatred mutes empathy for others. Often bigotry is nothing more than a person's lack of experience with "the other." Zaki takes the idea of "contact theory" (fixing hatred through exposure to "the other") and tweaks it a bit. Merely putting a white nationalist and a black nationalist in a room together is not going to solve anything. There must be rules in place that address the power imbalance. Allow the one who is usually silenced to be the one who gets to speak while the other listens. In this chapter Zaki also speaks about "self-compassion" and how this leads to more empathy.

Ch. 4 - This chapter is all about how storytelling (through books, acting in a drama, and consuming a drama) can increase empathy. Narratives help us "untether" and are like "contact lite."

Ch. 5 - This is a difficult chapter to read. This chapter is about caregivers who may empathize too much and burn out. Specifically, Zaki spills a lot of ink about neonatal intensive care doctors and nurses. He shows that it has been standard practice to teach caregivers to keep an emotional distance but that is now starting to change. Citing the example of when his own child was in the hospital, Zaki argues that empathic caregivers give patients' families "something irreplaceable."

Ch. 6 - This chapter is about the internal debate within the police world about the "warrior" mentality vs. "guardians of democracy" mentality. "Those of us in power have a responsibility to not only be kind but also to create ecosystems in which kindness is expected and rewarded."

Ch. 7 - Zaki addresses the issue of technology. It has the potential to destroy our empathy (have you ever read the comments section of . . . well, anything?) or increase it (for example, he talks about virtual reality exercises).

All in all, I found this book to be fairly helpful and hopeful (even if, maybe, a bit too optimistic). I have my fellow teachers reading this book for our Professional Reading Community next month. I'm hoping my coworkers will also find it helpful and we will be able to discuss how to apply all of this to the classroom.

Ch. 7

[Diana Duvieilh · Rating 3 out of 5]

Have you ever read something that made you think, “Wait... this isn’t new at all. This is literally the oldest story ever told”?

That was my experience reading The War for Kindness. Don’t get me wrong—Jamil Zaki’s work is engaging, well-intentioned, and supported by some genuinely interesting psychological research. His central message is both encouraging and timely: empathy is powerful. It changes people. It heals communities. And, perhaps most strikingly, it’s something we can actually choose to cultivate.

Zaki walks us through several big takeaways:
- Transformation happens through encountering real people, not just data or ideas.
- Self-centeredness isolates us and contributes to depression.
- Suffering builds perseverance and compassion.
- We don’t have to be ruled by our emotions—we can choose how we feel and respond.

All of these are deeply resonant. And yet, while Zaki presents these insights as fresh breakthroughs of modern science, they echo something far more ancient. These aren’t novel truths. They’re foundational ones—ones the Christian faith has held and proclaimed for millennia.

Empathy? That’s the Incarnation. Jesus didn’t just sympathize from a distance; He stepped into our shoes, our world, our suffering. He became one of us out of love. And the call to “rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15) isn’t new social science—it’s gospel-shaped living. It’s being “all things to all people” (1 Corinthians 9:22), as Paul puts it, not to manipulate, but to love.

Zaki also warns us against the dangers of pride and isolation. Again—yes! But this is not a groundbreaking discovery. At the heart of Christianity is the call to dethrone ourselves and enthrone Christ. As C.S. Lewis famously said, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less.” That’s the path to true joy and connection.

The same goes for suffering. Zaki notes that adversity can forge compassion and character. It’s a beautiful truth, and it’s one Scripture affirms boldly: “Suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope” (Romans 5:3–4). And, as Paul writes, God comforts us in our suffering so we can comfort others (2 Corinthians 1:4). These aren’t new strategies—they’re ancient wisdom, rooted in a divine story.

Where the book falls short, in my view, is in its attempt to frame empathy purely within a secular, Darwinian model. Early on, Zaki argues that humans evolved into the most empathic species—champions of collaboration and kindness. But by the end, he admits that empathy for future generations runs against our Darwinian impulses. So which is it? Are we naturally empathic or not? This inconsistency highlights the challenge of rooting human dignity and love in a purely materialistic worldview. If empathy is just a byproduct of evolutionary advantage, then what’s the standard for “good”? Why should we care for those who can’t reciprocate? Or future people who will never know us? At some point, the branch breaks off from the tree.

Because here’s the real question: Why do we love others?

Not because science says it’s statistically beneficial. Not because it helps society flourish. (who decides how to define "beneficial" and "flourishing"? That becomes a whole other issue) Those things may be true, but they’re not the foundation.

We love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19). That’s the starting point. That’s what gives empathy weight and purpose and permanence.

So, while I appreciate Zaki’s effort to build a secular case for kindness—and I think there’s value in some of the tools he offers—ultimately, the book left me longing for deeper roots. Roots that don’t just explain how we can be kind, but why kindness matters in the first place. Because the real war for kindness won’t be won with data alone. It will be won with love that is willing to suffer, to step down, and to give itself away. And that’s not a new discovery. That’s the gospel.

[Samantha · Rating 3 out of 5]

Taken anecdote by anecdote, this was a fascinating book, dipping into a wide array of American cultural situations: politics, activism, policing, education, incarceration, medical care, etc. I saw a lot of what I already felt in my heart to be true, after spending 27 years in one of the "caring professions": teaching.

Empathy is essential, and at the same time, there are dangers in it. Striking a balance between helpful detachment that allows you to function in hard situations and disregard for the lives and feelings of others is a constant and exhausting struggle.

As is often the case for me though when I read these sociological self-help style books, I didn't really feel like I learned how to help. I did however learn about some great programs I'd like to support and gained a bit of a boost to my hope vs. cynicism in reading about others working to make the world a kinder place.

I wonder if someone who wasn't already steeped in this thinking would find the arguments compelling or convincing?

[Gala · Rating 5 out of 5]

Книжка мені дуже сподобалася, вона вся - про мій базовий робочий інструмент, способи його розвитку та користь від нього. Чи можна розвинути емпатію, як саме її розвинути, що її понижує? Окремі розділи, про втому від емпатії (і вигорання) та емпатію онлайн, були для мене особливо цікавими. Книга написана досить просто і цікаво, але рясніє посиланнями на наукові дослідження.

[Cara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some really interesting insights in this book.

[Sagar Jethani · Rating 5 out of 5]

Jamil Zaki's "The War for Kindness: Building Empathy in a Fractured World" is a fascinating look at a subject we think we understand. Zaki shows how empathy can change throughout a person's life, and how specific activities like mediation, reading, and deliberately engineered "nudges" can increase a person's empathy. To me, the most surprising part of his argument is that far from being a categorical evil, technology can actually increase a person's empathy if it is designed to do so. In other words, technology is what we design it to be.

Far from a recitation of the sorry state of empathy in America, "The War for Kindness" is a gripping, beautifully-written account that is full of surprises.

[Eve · Rating 2 out of 5]

Though the book was released in 2019, the information and theories presented are outdated by about 10-15 years. The author’s presentation of police reform and autism training solutions are “moderate liberal lite”. These are issues of systemic racism and ableism that need more radical course corrections than the solutions discussed here.

I did enjoy the discussion of Adaptive Machine Learning as well as how empathy plays into our interpersonal lives.

[Katy · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good book. I would give it 3.5 stars if I could. Kind of a rough start for me with this one, but the farther I got into the book the more I liked it. I’m glad I read other reviews and knew ahead of time that this wasn’t going to be a book on how to show more empathy. It’s more of a book on studies and stories that have to do with empathy and why we need it.

[Mariam Magdy Hussein · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazingly researched and written. It's truly enjoyable and educational!

[Patty · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 rounded up. Audiobook is a good listen.

I first heard the author on a podcast where he talked about his book. It certainly caught my attention.
There is so much to learn in this area. This book touches on why empathy is important in the first place as well as reasons why we have gotten to the place that we are.

The book discusses the change our world has gone through in a relatively short period of time. One hundred years ago, it was rare to know a lot people outside your community unless they were family. Now we can know about things that happen on the other side of the world in seconds. The less we know about someone, the harder it is for us to have empathy for their situation.

The author also discusses the research between are you born with a certain amount of empathy or is it a choice? He also talks about letting the extreme voices having too much influence on the stories we tell. This chapter really hit home for me. He talked about the WSJ online red/blue site (which is no longer updated). You could go to this site, pick a topic, and see the top stories from both the red or blue perspective side by side. It really highlights that having a narrow scope of influencers in your life, can really warp your perspective.

He talks about empathy fatigue and how people in certain high-stress occupations deal with this aspect of their job. He covers a wide range of occupations from NICU staff to police and teachers.

One part that is staying with me the most is how the more in touch you are with your vision of your future, the more you use the parts of your brain that control empathy. He interviewed and worked closely with a young man who used to belong to a white-supremacy organization in this part of the book. It was enlightening.

All in all, I feel like I have lots to ponder and explore after listening to this author and I love that.

[Nicky Reed · Rating 4 out of 5]

There was so much I really loved about this book. First, I think the introduction was one of the best I've read in a very, very long while. Have a look!
Zaki takes a clear-eyed view of a world organising itself to destroy empathic engagement, but he retains a throbbing undercurrent of hope: despite the rather terrifying analysis of how much of our digital engagement is wilfully leading us by the nose in the wrong direction.
Drawing on diverse research in psychology, in neuroscience, Zaki engages us in the worlds of, for example, healthcare, education, hate politics, prison and digital media to find positive examples of attempts to build empathy and, with it, kindness. The examples are both engaging and arresting: the "Shoot an Iraqi" artwork is a case in point.
Zaki's clear position is that empathy and kindness can be learned and grown; he is equally clear that there is a global crisis in empathy and that we need more.
Were there elements of the book which niggled? Yes. I wasn't completely certain that the link between empathy and kindness was very clearly established - and it felt a little odd to have the definition of empathy rather hidden away in an appendix. More, whilst I finished the book feeling I knew and understood more, I felt frustrated by a sense that it didn't leave me with any real tools to go about the business of HOW we should go about changing things. I suppose it feels as though Zaki is offering more of a call to understanding than a call to action. And that is, of course, utterly legitimate - except that he himself continues to point out the necessity for radical change on this front.
I'm being churlish: this is a critical issue and Zaki presents his thoughts and findings with a clear, engaging touch: he wields his very clear academic credentials well yet very lightly. An important read.

[Emma-Kate Schaake · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Ignoring outsiders’ emotions makes it easier to oppress them.”

“Fiction is empathy’s gateway drug. It helps us feel for others when real-world caring is too difficult, complicated, or painful.”

“Many of the students had been called “bad guys” for most of their life, and had scarcely been given a chance to be anything else. Fiction revealed that underneath every crime is a person: flawed but still deserving dignity.”

“Few are at greater risk of overdosing on empathy than “caring professionals”: physicians, social workers, therapists, teachers, and others who work with people in need...They are humanity’s first responders, called to their work by a deep concern for others. To run from pain would betray their core values. But in empathy’s trenches, those values can quickly turn into occupational hazards.”

“In our polarized era, norms weigh even more heavily against care...Pundits council that the other side is an existential threat. Compromising with —or even listening to— outsiders is a form of treason.”

“Sometimes compromise is best served not by building empathy for outsiders, but by reducing empathy for insiders...(police) may need to treat their colleagues with more skepticism, acknowledging wrong doing even when it involves people they admire.”

“Adolescents confronts to each other more than any other age group, and if other students don’t care—or worse, think kindness is for dorks—working on it becomes suicidal.”

“When we fail to understand each other, it’s often because we falsely assume our own knowledge or priorities will map onto someone else’s.”

[Jennifer Abdo · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a pretty good collection of studies and thoughts on empathy. It makes some surprising points - or at least contrary to the prevailing narrative - that conformity and technology/social media aren't inherently bad or cruel, they're just tools. You can even use them to cultivate empathy.

I appreciated the nuance in the contact theory of the way the power dynamic affects benefit or lack thereof in the interaction we might assume to be equally beneficial.

The policing example was difficult, though there was acknowledgment that police still prefer their own in group. I don't know for sure, not having much experience, but I feel the the autism example might be problematic. And another glaring issue was describing the Palestinian and Israeli contact approach as something like sports fans connecting rather than occupied/occupier in an apartheid power dynamic.

But overall, it was good to think of what empathy is and how studies have measured it, how can we increase it. There was even a discussion of decreasing your in group empathy as opposed to only increasing your own capacity for it.

Capitalism prioritizes greed, but:
"...People who stop to help others won't have the time to innovate, and will inevitably finish last. As we've seen, this is a myth--empathic individuals are more likely to succeed in a number of ways."

More hopefully:
"We are not merely individuals fighting to empathize in a world of cruelty. We are also communities, families,... that can build kindness into our culture, turning it into people's first option."

[Daniel Te · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think kindness is really important to value in our current society, and we have the potential to be a lot kinder. One of the key problems I find with the whole concept, is that if you were to ask someone, "do you care about being kind to other people?", how many people would actually say, "No, I don't?" Zaki cites that studies with the classic empathic concern questions show that more people are saying "no" now, which is concerning (i.e. there are probably even more people that feel pressured to say "yes" but aren't actually kind). I think there is also a huge difference between believing that one is kind and actually being kind, partially due to this, "bias," as I would call it.

I think this book really excels in the first couple of chapters, laying out the premise for why kindness is important. The rest of the book goes into more case studies of how it can be applied in different fields (healthcare, policing, etc.). I think the hardest sell about kindness, is how do we get people to stay past their "set point" of default kindness? If we truly are to create a kind society, we really have to consider how to change norms and such. And, we also have to consider how we brand kindness, because at face value, it's something that everyone can appreciate but not everyone will go out of their way to practice. This book offers some suggestions for moving forward in this way, but I still leave myself thinking about what to do about it.

[Linda · Rating 5 out of 5]

My 5 star Review of The War for Kindness by Jamil Zaki @zakijam @CrownPublishing #TheWarForKindness

While this book is mainly a textbook, filled with references to empathetic situations and individuals, I found it a fascinating 5 star read. It offers a compelling argument that for our society to heal & grow we must learn to empathize with fellow humans, increase our compassion and spend more of our time socializing face-to-face. As I hoped, it suggests radically decreasing the hours we spend on social media, since those interactions appear to parallel with an increased depression and feelings of isolation. Highly recommended reading in today’s world of senseless random acts of violence, ever increasing rates of teenage death by suicide and cyberbullying.

I decided to post my thoughts and chose leave a review after reading the advance e-copy of this book I received, courtesy of the Publisher via Penguin Random House’s First to Read program. Thank you Crown for sending this book to me and giving me an opportunity to read it before the publication date.