About What Was Lost: Twenty Writers on Miscarriage, Healing, and Hope

by Jessica Berger Gross (Editor)

In this intimate anthology, twenty writers explore the grief and sadness—and hope—that living through a miscarriage can bring. Featuring such notable writers as Pam Houston, Joyce Maynard, Caroline Leavitt, Susanna Sonnenberg, and Julianna Baggott, among many others, About What Was Lost is the only book that uses honest, eloquent, and deeply moving narrative to provide much-needed solace and support on the subject of pregnancy loss. Today, as many as one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage. And yet, many women are surprised to find that instead of simply grieving the end of a pregnancy, they feel as if they are mourning the loss of a child. Taken aback by their sorrow, they seek solace in similar perspectives—only to find that a silence and lingering stigma surrounds the topic. Revealing a wide spectrum of experiences and perspectives, this powerful collection offers comfort and community for the millions of women (and their loved ones) who experience this all-too-common kind of loss every year.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Parenting, Family, Grief, Medical, Psychology

266 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2006

About the author

Jessica Berger Gross is the author of the memoir Estranged: Leaving Family and Finding Home. Her essays have appeared in The New York Times Magazine, The Cut, Longreads and many more. She lives in Maine with her husband and teenage son. Hazel Says No, coming June 2025 from Hanover Square Press/HarperCollins, is her first novel.

Reviews

[Kersten · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I'd read this sooner! I put this book on hold at the library after my first miscarriage but then thought it would be too depressing. But after my second, and the constant reminders of the "what-could-of-been" I thought I should check it out.

I was amazed by how much reading women's stories of miscarriage helped me. It is always good to know that you aren't the only one who goes through something. I am grateful to all those women who where willing to share their experiences to help others overcome their grief.

*

I have since bought a copy of my own, and re-read it during my latest miscarriage. I found this book as touching as ever. It helped me to share my own story with my family and friends.

[Monica Roy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book to be extremely comforting as I processed my own miscarriage. When I first started reading the introduction, I felt like I was getting the news from the doctor all over again and had to close the book. After that, I was able to read through the stories without many tears; the emotion I felt most was gratitude. After reading this book, I feel less isolated and alone. I realize that that there are a number of women who have gone through the exact type of miscarriage that I have, and I am so thankful that some of them chose to share their losses with me (and anyone else who reads this book). I was able to hand the book the my husband and say, "Read this," and let a more articulate and talented woman explain to him how I felt. This book and these women put words on my grief.

Note: I was a little disturbed by all the reviews of this book that mentioned abortion more so than the topic of this book. Yes, some women in this book had abortions in addition to miscarriages, but that was not the point of this book. The whole spirit of this book was giving women the opportunity to share their pain and deepest secrets; judging them for their pasts seems cold. Miscarriages have nothing to do with pro-life or pro-choice - they give no choice!

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Suffering a miscarriage at 10 weeks this past Spring, this book truly helped me in the healing process. With 20-25% of all pregnancies miscarrying in the first trimester (with a 3% chance of all pregnancies ending in loss), a lot of women and couples are suffering; it begs the question, why are there so few books on the issue? I'm grateful Gross was brave enough to share her story and encouraged 18 other women and 1 man to do the same. This collection of essays beautifully captures the grief surrounding such a devestating loss, even from women with unplanned pregnancies, while also capturing the courage to try again. Ultimately, the message remains hopeful: life after miscarriage can be fulfilling.

[Mishqueen · Rating 3 out of 5]

I saw this book on the to-read list of a friend, and then saw it at the library. It's not a book I would have sought out on my own. I think I expected some aspects of it, but others were unexpected. This book about miscarriage is also laced with abortion and modern feminist convictions. I really feel for these womens' pain and suffering, but another strong feeling I have already had that was reinforced from this book is that fetuses are people from the point of conception--both biologically and in the mother's heart, whether they know it yet or not. Their heart tells them what their mind still denies. The pain these women went through (even if they were already planning on aborting the child) was so intense and unexpected, that it was obvious that they themselves were surprised that they were mourning the loss of a child that supposedly didn't exist yet. Their feelings testify to a truth that transcends political opinions. I know they are seeking a way to gather and mourn, and probably don't expect me to solidify my pro-life feelings through their testimonies. I'm grateful that each of these women shared herself with me, and I feel pain for them. I know they mostly aren't women of faith, but I pray that they find some way to cope and ease their pain (even when re-pregnancy was not an option).

[Aliza · Rating 3 out of 5]

Hmmm, such a jumble of emotional response to this book. Some pro-lifers would be offended by a book recounting the loss that comes with miscarriage obviously written by pro-choicers, but I actually appreciated it. Though I found it a bit puzzling that, especially those who suffered a miscarriage after previously undergoing an abortion didn't (at least in their writing) acknowledge how similarly their bodies (dare I say mourned), hmm I'll go with reacted then. But since the world (or at least parts of it) consider abortion to be a woman's choice, I have a bone to pick with the medical community who so inconsiderately use the same term to describe the body's termination of a pregnancy the woman did want to go to term; and distinguishing the naturally occurring variety from the externally induced one by calling the one the layman names a miscarriage a spontaneous abortion would seem to me to just be adding insult to injury in a day and age when technology allows us to identify a failed pregnancy even before the mother's body recognizes it.
Then there is the fear this book stirs up, the fear that no woman (like me) is safe, the path to motherhood seems to be a game of Russian roulette if 20-25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage.

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

Parts of this book are not for people who are pro-life or are still angry about the death of their baby. There is a story in here by a woman who decided to have an abortion, and miscarried the night before. As you might imagine, as a pro-life person who just went through an excruciating loss, I shook with rage and fury that this person was allowed to include her story. That aside, one in particular was almost just like my own experience. In some ways, I'm glad I got to see my baby's face, because I know that it was beautiful. In other ways, I know I'm never, ever going to be fully over it. I don't really know what else to say.

[Megan Mac]

didn't feel right to rate this book, because I wish I hadn't read it or needed to seek it out

But reading the stories of others can be healing.
it can also help with grieving and processing,
and that's what this book did for me

(not all stories felt relatable, but the ones that did helped with the feelings of isolation, anger, and grief)

[Kara Cooper · Rating 4 out of 5]

The stories are good and some made me cry. 4 stars because I hate this for everyone that has experienced it. Thank you to the woman from the birth center who drove to my house after she got off work 1.5 years ago because she was “thinking of me”

[Heather · Rating 3 out of 5]

As you'd expect, with twenty different authors and twenty different experiences, it's unlikely that you will like/relate to every single one. I was very torn with my rating because certain stories were 5 stars and absolutely spoke to me, really helping me to feel less alone (Is there anything so lonely and isolating as miscarriage? The internet tells you that you are 1 in 4 women and yet they are invisible. I'm sure statistically I know many women who have miscarried and yet I don't know any) and others made me feel worse. As someone who was devastated by miscarriage that ended my first and only pregnancy, I am both eager and terrified to try again so stories that ended with many, many lost pregnancies and no happy ending with a live baby were not really what I needed to read, I need stories about grief and loss, but also hope. That said, I know the world does not revolve around me and my needs and other women desperately need and connect to those stories because they mirror their own experience. I guess what would have made this better for me would have been if the editor had characterized them by type of loss so that I could have skipped around for stories that would speak to me.

[Jillian · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars. Some of these stories are emotional, heartfelt, honest, meaningful. Some of them are….written in a way that feels cold and offensive. This is a very homogenous group of women, with very similar viewpoints and spiritual practices, and it would have been nice to have had some ethnic/cultural/spiritual variety to truly show a diverse perspective. This book feels extremely dated. And while I believe every women should be able to discuss all her realities, I do not think it is helpful for there to be so much talk about abortion when the subject matter is miscarriage. Some mention of abortion makes sense, as it is/can be a loss, but this was so much that it felt political rather than personal, and therefore jarring.

I do think some of the writers had truly heartfelt and heartbreaking things to share, and approached their stories with honesty and bravery. I just felt bothered that this collection was of almost-all-white, agnostic, highly educated, and well-off women. There must be better books like this available.

[Nina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Jessica Berger Gross has assembled a remarkable collection of essays by women, many of whom are well-known authors, who have endured miscarriage. Although there are many differences in the situations, one strong common thread resounds; women grieve deeply after pregnancy loss. It is past time for this profound grief to be openly acknowledged and discussed.

Many of the essays also share the grief experienced by fathers. Julianna Baggott and David Scott describe their miscarriage through a written conversation.

Although the stories are heartbreaking, they are also filled with hope. In sharing their intimate stories, these writers validate that mourning the death of a baby through miscarriage is normal. They also discuss the diverse ways in which they were able to incorporate the experience into their lives.

[Jai · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found this gem at a library sale. I purchased it mainly for educational purposes on my journey of becoming a full spectrum doula. Reading this book helped me understand all of the complex feelings surrounding miscarriage and stillbirth. All of of the silence surrounding miscarriage and how it's so uncommon and common all at the same time. All the women who have had miscarriages who haven't ever had a chance to talk about all of their feelings surrounding the events. Some women went on to have children while others adopted and other women never had children. All of the experiences were the same but overall had different elements and themes. Overall it helped me in learning how to help other's during their time of need.

[Franziska · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well...I also wouldn't recommend this book to people who are extremely pro-life, or similar folks. I gained a lot from reading about other peoples experience with miscarriage, and somehow found it comforting. But, it also did upset me, or at least disturb me, how many of those authors had thought about an abortion or actually had one. With that said, I also think that it is very telling how deeply all those women grieved even those who didn't want their babies. I guess that only shows what a disservice we are doing to women to let them abort their babies. Ok, I guess that's off topic. I think sharing other women's experience in this area helped me and it may be nice for that reason alone.

[Michelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

A very informative anthology for people who will be working with women who suffer pregnancy loss. Each writer delves deeply into her feelings and in telling her story both opens a space for discussion of this topic and provides helpful hints as to what to do/say not do/say and the wide range of emotional reactions to support. Two things are very clear: we need to create a better script for rituals surrounding pregnancy loss and we need to discard the feminist fear that mourning an early miscarriage is at odds with being pro-choice

[Allison · Rating 4 out of 5]

At many times hard to read, it was still refreshing to hear these women's stories. So often I found myself saying, "Yes, me too," which was really healing for me. While many of the contributors are of a decidedly pro-choice bent, their discomfort with what that means when they grieve their miscarriages so deeply is the best indication that the story is more complex than the pro-choice/pro-life dichotomy makes it out to be.

[Jenny Maveety · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is touching and real. I wish I could embrace it and carry it with me always. The comforting words from writers describing what I, for so long, have gone without saying, has filled me. I recommend to anyone recovering from a miscarriage or to anyone who knows someone that is. This will help you find the words. Thank you, Jessica Berger Gross, for putting these stories together in a touching and unforgettable compilation.

[Suzie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some of the stories were inspirational, but many were not helpful for someone who not only suffered miscarriage but also infertility. Several of the writers had abortions prior, the pregnancies were unwanted, etc. Those were hard to read.

[Tiare · Rating 5 out of 5]

It was hard for me to grab this book, reading it was slow and painful, I cried with almost every story. I was very afraid of becoming depressed after my miscarriage, afraid of lossing myself or not knowing how to carry on... but in these stories I found hope and a little nodge to carry forth. I love this book and I do recommend it to anyone going through this. (The book does contain stories about abortion, but that is not nor should it ever be the focus of it. This is a book about loss, about the unforseenable and world shaking feeling of a miscarriage. Having had or having considered an abortion does not diminish or take away your pain. But do know that this stories contain stories of grief that may be different than your own.)

[Megan · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a collection of stories from 18 women who have experienced miscarriages. They have different perspectives (some wanted a child, others did not) and different writing styles. For me, the essays were hit and miss. I've read quite a few miscarriage books at this point, and this was solidly okay - but probably not in my top five recommendations.

[Jordan Parkington · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an incredible and powerful read. I picked it up after seeing a recommendation on Reddit, and I’m so glad I did. There aren’t many reading materials out there for women who have experienced pregnancy loss, so this book is very meaningful to me. I found a lot of comfort in these honest, vulnerable stories.

[Molly Raymond · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has been a companion for me on an unspeakably difficult journey. I have felt deeply connected with each of the authors experiences as different as they all are. Each is beautifully written and provides a view of loss that is unique, but also universal.

[Amanda Harman · Rating 4 out of 5]

What made this book unique was the 20 different takes on what and how miscarriage became a part of these women's stories. It was a nice validation that everyone can experience something similar in very different ways.

[Cristina · Rating 3 out of 5]

It helped me in a particular time of my life. Ot was good to have other perspectives, but it is not a book that goes need on the subject.

[Z M · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had my miscarriage in 2020 and have only just been able to bring myself to read this book that was gifted to me at the time. Wish I’d read it sooner!!

[Katrina McBride · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn't really connect with many of these stories. Not sure why.

[Victoria · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5 stars. This book is so hard to rate. I was thinking it would be between a 2 or a 3 for me. I ultimately decided to go with the 2.5 rating because I wouldn’t recommend this book. I think the book’s subtitle should be changed to “20 Pro-Choice Writers in Miscarriage, Healing, and Hope.”

All of the essays were well written. Some of the essays spoke to me deeply. But for being a book about miscarriages I was shocked to find how many discussed abortions as well. Being as I am in the depths of grief after my own miscarriage, I had a very hard time reading these essays. To save anyone else from reading these I am going to list the 6 essay titles you should skip if reading about abortion would be difficult for you:

“Twins”
“Mother of Three, Two Children Short”
“Pregnancy and Other Natural Disasters”
“My Others”
“A Globe of Light”
“The Road Home”

Overall this was not the book for me. I think that there is a place for these essays and I am sure there are women who can relate. I am pro-life and in the pain of grief. Reading these essays, by writers who are obviously pro-choice, only convinced me even more of how life begins far earlier than pro-choicers would like you to believe.

[Andrea · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good book and helpful during this difficult time in my own life. It's healing reading different women's words of wisdom, emotions and courage. There is nothing that can help bring back the loss of my child but knowing I am not alone is a good place to start healing. This book helped me develop my own thoughts about losing my son at 5 months recently. This loss has been such a huge battle with my sense of motherhood and self. I have come to learn that my baby only knew love. I fought infection and endured so much pain to keep my son alive. Life gives us paths that we don't always understand where to go but at least I don't feel so alone. The word miscarriage places blame upon the mother, as though we did something wrong. But in fact my water just broke too soon. My son was healthy. There's not so much support for losing your child in utero because it makes people feel uncomfortable. But that is their ignorance and they won't know this pain unless they've experienced this tragedy.

[Tinquerbelle · Rating 2 out of 5]

1) Introduction: Behind the Bathroom Door; Gross, Jessica Berger
2) The First Baby; Leavitt, Caroline
3) Misconceptions; Buchanan, Andrea J.
4) Twins; Sonnenberg, Susanna
5) Mother of Three, Two Children Short; Maynard, Joyce
6) "I Went Out Full"; Bazelon, Emily and Dahlia Lithwick
7) Pregnancy and Other Natural Disasters; Houston, Pam
8) Miscarried; Gross, Jessica Berger
9) What I Wasn't Expecting; Marshall, Jen
10) Risky Business; Johnson, Rebecca
11) Unplanned; Jernigan, Jessica
12) The Missing; Hall, Rachel
13) Piece of Cake; Zucker, Rachel
14) The Scattering; Brownrigg, Sylvia
15) On Desire: A Conversation Between Husband and Wife; Baggot, Julianna and David Scott
16) My Others; Field, Miranda
17) Are You Still Three?; Oness, Elizabeth
18) A Globe of Light; Shapiro, Rochelle Jewel
19) The Road Home; O'Doherty, Susan

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a great collection of women's experiences with miscarriage. It was great to hear my feelings are not just my own, though I hate that others experience it. I sometimes do not voice my true feelings on some of it, because I know people will not take it well, but I liked this book.

The only difficult part for me, is many of the women seem to be okay with abortion, but that is just a personal difference. They were all still heartbroken to have miscarried.

[ilafahmy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Himpunan catatan 18 orang penulis yang berkongsi pengalaman kisah duka mereka yang pernah kehilangan kandungan. Isu ini jarang diketengahkan dalam bentuk buku walhal di luar sana cukup banyak cerita yang boleh dikongsi dan dijadikan iktibar bersama. Pengakuan jujur mereka membuatkan kita semakin sedar betapa kita hanyalah manusia yang hanya mampu mentadbir. Sesungguhnya Allah itu Maha Mentakdir...