Searching for Mary Poppins: Women Write About the Relationship Between Mothers and Nannies

by Susan Davis (Editor), Gina Hyams (Editor)

With wit, sensitivity, and unflinching honesty, Searching for Mary Poppins brings together twenty-five of today’s leading woman writers—including Marisa de los Santos, Susan Cheever, Joyce Maynard, and Jacquelyn Mitchard—to explore the emotional minefield of mother-nanny relationships. From Daphne Merkin on the challenges of hiring a nanny after having been raised by one to Lauren Slater on her regret at having “given her mothering away,” the collection’s stunningly original pieces offer rare insight into the complex issues that emerge when a mother turns the care of her child over to a stranger. Raising questions that reach beyond money, race, class, and gender into the darkest areas of love and fear that a mother feels, this book ultimately provides hope, solace, and welcome perspective on this unique relationship.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Essays, Short Stories

320 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2006

Reviews

[Madeline · Rating 1 out of 5]

Wow! this book was offensive! I could barely finish reading after i read the first few essays, i ended up skimming the rest hoping to find someone who had something nice to say about their nanny. Couldn't be found. If you knew nothing about nannies and picked this book up to learn something, based on these essays you'd think that the only people who have nannies are writers in the greater manhattan area, and you'd think all nannies could up and desert you for their "home country" at any moment, and if you have a heart you'd probably think how sad that these women (the nannies) have to leave their own children in the projects to come work for spoiled, "bleeding heart" (self proclaimed!) liberals, who don't, respect them, appreciate them (emotionally) or compensate them (monetarily) nearly as much as they should for what they do!


I picked this book up b/c of the subtitle. Being a nanny myself, I thought it would be interesting to hear some stories from the mothers point of view. I should have known, b/c even the word "intense" has a negative connotation... I prefer the word "intimate" to describe the relationship. But anyway, I was HORRIFIED! I can guarantee that no family I have ever worked for has ever felt about me the way every single one of these women talks about their "child care workers." Yuck.

Honestly, though, I don't think I'd have much respect for the "employees" written about in these essays either but I think it might be a situation of what came first... the chicken or the egg...?

Remind me to never work in New York...

[Rakaputra · Rating 5 out of 5]

The intimate relationship between a family and the nanny is one often overlooked by the world at large. Letting another person into one's house, even one's home, brings with it many complexities and intricacies; some foreseeable, some not. From lifelong friendships, sudden departures, tragic losses, haunting childhood memories, and much more, the editors and writers have presented their and their nannies' stories in their own voice. Simultaneously exhilarating and touching, it is a real page-turner, each story told in bite-sized 10 pages or so. Yet their tales are told amply and with such genuineness that the reader could tell every mother's distinctive personality and wit, as well as their family dynamic. I finished the book in merely 2 days as I couldn't put it down. Truly recommended, especially for those who've had the fortune to engage with a nanny in their home life, or perhaps being the nanny themselves.

[Agatha · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a compilation of about 15 essays by various women writers describing their experiences with nannies in their children’s lives. Despite what I previously wrote about disliking short stories (b/c of the interruptions when you finish one story and have to get into the next one,) I really liked these essays and did not find it interruptive at all, actually. I was quickly engrossed into each story and really, really enjoyed the read. Some of their observations I may have dismissed as naval-gazing a year or two ago but now, having a child in childcare, I do recognize some of the same thought processes in myself. (A few I did consider naval-gazing, though.) One thing I kept circling back to was: how and why did each family make the decision to go with a nanny instead of other childcare choices, such as, for example, center-based care, home daycare, etc. I would have enjoyed getting some insight into each family’s decision on this level, but, I suppose, just by the title of the book you can tell that everyone had already chosen nannies and that was the unifying link throughout all of their experiences. I for one have a secret fear of leaving my child with one individual (such as a nanny or also a home-based provider) b/c there are no other adult eyes around, to sort of provide “checks and balances,” etc. This strong fear is what made me pursue center-based care. But I know every family is different and definitely, having spent many years of my teenaged life and and on into my 20s doing loads of babysitting and childcare, I can see the draws of this type of arrangement as well. RE choosing a nanny, however: I do not believe I would not relish the aspect of being an employer and/or dealing with the interactions of another human being so up close and personally woven into the fabric of our home and in our family life. I enjoy the fact that center-based care is already “set up” and organized for me, and I just fit into their institutional pattern, if that makes sense. Anyway, it was an interesting read . . .

[Mary · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book wasn't what I expected, and I think it was the subtitle that led me astray. The introduction reset my expectations: it was like an anecdotal how-to for mothers navigating relationships with their nannies. And so it felt one-sided in the way it was apparently supposed to, and I think also in a way it wasn't supposed to.

The subtitle led me to feel that women on BOTH sides of the mother-nanny relationship would be writing, and the introduction clarified that we'd only be hearing from moms. The one-sidedness that could have been avoided: many mothers were work-from-home writers (convenient when looking for someone to contribute to a book), many lived in New York, and many were dealing with navigating race/ethnicity and class as much as they were dealing with with navigating the actual relationship with another human.

It wasn't offensive to me as other reviewers have expressed, but it did feel...askew, unbalanced. I feel that what was an opportunity to really explore the joys and challenges in co-parenting with someone you pay was only partly accomplished, and otherwise lost as writers-who-happen-to-also-be-moms eloquently described their and their nannies' normal human inadequacies.

So, because I reasonably had hoped for more - and while the book was ultimately lovely and I appreciated the stories - there was something missing that could have been incorporated. Thus, my review is missing one star it otherwise would have had.

[Betsy · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you are even thinking about hiring a professional Nanny get this book.
A Nanny is not a baby sitter,, you give a nanny 'charge' of your child. It is imperative you trust the person chosen or you may experience resentment, anger, and worry. When you find the 'right' Nanny you know it!!! You will allow the happiness a great Nanny can bring to your precious baby or little person growing up in the world. It helps if you have beautiful people to work for.

I know the challenges.... I am a Mary Poppins Nanny for the most incredible child and loving parents. This book will open your eyes to how good your nanny is if you have one or think about getting one.

[Eliza · Rating 3 out of 5]

An interesting collection of stories about mothers and nannies/babysitters. I like to read stuff like this as a semi-outsider--I regularly hire babysitters but I just don't put myself in the category most of these women put themselves in. I definitely have felt that pressure of "friend" vs. "employer." And actually I already read the book when it was first published, when my oldest was a newborn 6 years ago. I remembered liking it, so when I saw it on the library shelf recently I picked it up again and have read it an essay or so at a time since then. Not engrossing, but entertaining and thought-provoking at times.

[Jaclynn · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was an educational and eye opening book on really how many people do use nannies, the different types of nannies, how many nannies come from foreign countries, the good and the bad about nannies. Throughout the book, the relationship between mothers and nannies is emphasized. Sometimes it works out really well, other times not so great. I know from personal experience that the bond between a mother, the nanny and the child can be strong. After reading this, I hope even more to have another nanny job in the future!

[Julie N · Rating 4 out of 5]

I used to be a nanny, so this book really appealed to me. I liked reading the different stories and I identified with a lot of issues brought up. I will say that people who insist that mothering can't be done without a nanny really get on my nerves. I also hate the implication that your children rob you of your identity and that without a nanny to take them every day you will lose yourself. There were a LOT of those justifications from the mothers in this book.

[Alycia · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was fine but someone needs to tell the writers that middle class people don't have nannies. It was astounding to see how many of these women considered themselves middle class. It was less astounding that they didn't want to pay a decent wage to their nannies.
I would love to read/contribute to the other side of this book. And it would not be called Searching for Captain von Trapp. How dare that mother say that Maria seduced Captain von Trapp? She was a nun!

[Jena · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a fantastic book that makes you think about how you are as a mom vs. how you thought you'd be as a mother. Having been a nanny for many years and then having two of my own at the same time, I realized just how much harder it is to have your OWN kids that you can't give back at the end of the day. (Not that I don't love them, of course...)

[Katherine · Rating 4 out of 5]

A well-organised, interesting compilation of essays by mothers who have had nannies. Most of the mothers are writers or work in publishing, so I could relate to their experiences, especially those who juggled working from home with justifying having in-home childcare. Thought-provoking and interesting reading.

[Amanda Baxter · Rating 4 out of 5]

My husband brought me this book from work to pass on to one of my friends with a nanny but something made me open it and read the first story. Now I can't stop! A great compilation of stories written by well known mothers and their experiences with nannies and babysitters and how they changed and shaped their families.

[Krista · Rating 4 out of 5]

i loved it. sure, i was mildly little offended here and there. and yes, my biggest complaint was that there were no essays written by nannies. but as one of those "in demand" educated career nannies, i always love reading well-written smart writing about the mother/nanny relationship. from all sides of the story. i believe there is much more to be learned on the subject, and this is a start.

[Lili Gersch · Rating 3 out of 5]

Food for thought for any woman involved with a nanny. Too many pieces from extraordinarily privileged and self-involved women, in my opinion. Guess it's the nature of the beast. Great to see a piece from Jessica Neely of DC's PEN-Faulkner Foundation.

[Laura · Rating 2 out of 5]

Didn't acutally read all the essays, although the ones I read were good. It was more interesting than I expected and should definitely be read by people who are thoughtful and conflicted about childcare. The essays were written by thoughtful, questioning people.

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

I like reading about what published authors do in their real lives.

[Anita Smith · Rating 2 out of 5]

Eh. The writers (the mothers) came off as whiny, self-centered, and obnoxious. I guess I was thinking this would be more scandalous and juicy. Next time I'll stick to nanny chick lit/fiction.

[Rhonda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thanks for the recommendation, Sheila!

[Dawn · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was not a compelling collection. All the stories are written from a mother's perspective, and most of them are about how nannies did them wrong. Skip.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book beause it put into words many of the feelings that I have had with our nannies and it really shows the important role that they play in the family.

[Kimmie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book really made me re-think nannies and their role in families' lives. It was such an interesting look inside a dynamic that I've never seen addressed in a serious way.

[Amon · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was interesting to consider the nanny thing from the other point of view.