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227 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 9, 2019

You’re my beginning, middle, and end, Ash.






["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>Ashley Ross: the girl who had a high school crush on me. The girl who gave me her virginity. The same woman who came into my hotel room, told me she loved me, and claimed me as her own all last night and well into this morning.
“Because you’re not the only one who’s fucking married, and as of an hour ago, she’s in labor” I state matter of factly.
I don’t see his fist coming until it’s slamming into my face.
“Kenzie, Lana, and now my sister? Third strike, motherfucker. We’re fucking done.”
I’ve even started casually—very casually—dating Kayley, a nurse from Mercy General. She is twenty-four, a brunette, and has a mouth like a hoover that she loves to use… and often.
He holds out his arm, and we clink our bottles together, eyes locked. “Two years to run amuck. Look out, women of Texas Tech.”
“Don’t stay away, because I’d rather have you here without having you, than not have you in my life at all.”
Ashley: Do you promise to always tell me the truth, even if you think it’ll hurt me? Drew: I don’t ever want to hurt you, Ash. And I’d never do it willingly. But yes, I will always be honest, even if I know you won’t like what I’m being honest about.
You see, Mom was Jon’s secretary. They worked closely together… very closely, it seems, and when things turned physical, Mom became Jon’s little secret. When she fell pregnant with me, I became an even bigger one because when she issued Jon an ultimatum to choose her or his wife and kids, Jon chose them. So Mom never told him about me, not until he received a letter from her lawyer having been instructed...
“This whole night is your turn. Let me cherish you and show you how much tonight means to me. How much you mean to me.”
“Now, I’m only going to say this one more time. I want you, Drew, and I don’t want to wait any longer because the person I was waiting for was you.”
“You’re the only man I ever wanted to share this moment with. But right now,” she says with a kiss so passionate and sweet that I swear she’s trying to kill me, “Right now I really need you to start moving.” She gives a little tentative roll of her hips, her expression only just giving away a slight wince.
Then she speaks and ruins me in the best possible way. “I love you.”
The past two years had seen us fall into a comfortable non-relationship where we’ve remained as close as ever, but we aren’t together. She’s busy with school, and I’ve been focused on forging my own career post-college, studying for my MBA
Ashley and I don’t talk about who we’re dating or even if we’re dating, something which I am extremely grateful for.
Ashley and I have had years of stolen moments and small grabs of time when we can actually just be us, but as much as she’s the person I love most in the world, we’re not in that place where we’re ready to face the consequences of being together.
Love you. Two words she’s said to me time and time again since that night in Vegas, but every time I hear them my heart jumps.
I’ve never said them back to her, that’s something I’ll do the moment I know she’s mine forever, but I hope she knows I feel the same way because every single time she says I love you, I say my own three words back to her.
“Love you, Drew,” she says softly, her eyes closed as she burrows her head into the pillow. “Always, Ash. Forever and always.”
What will he remember? Us lying to him for years? Sneaking behind his back? Or maybe thinking back to the number of fucking women you’ve been banging since the day we met!”
“I’ll take you however I can have you, Drew. It’s you that matters to me. I’ll take all the parts you give me, all the parts you let me see until I can have it all because I know in the end, it’ll be everything I’ll ever need.”
All I know is I’m not willing to lose her. And I’m not willing to lose the closest thing I’ve had to a brother—not counting my father’s sons.
She’s not once been in a relationship with another guy since the douchebag and prom night, and the fact that after more than six years, neither one of us have made the decision to tell Millen must mean we just weren’t meant to be.
Her head snaps up. “No, Drew. You’ve said your piece, and now it’s time to say what I think. You’re being a coward. You think you’re doing the right thing by me, but really, you’re sacrificing everything we could be because you’ve given up on the chance of it ever happening.”
“When you meet the man you’re meant to be with, you’ll know I’m right.
“Funny that since the night of my senior prom, I always thought you were that man.”
“Complicated? Fucked up? Toxic? Amazing? One of a kind? Something that could cost me more than just my heart? Maybe my sanity, and any hope of a future with someone who actually wants to be with me.”
“I try to get on with my life and just when I see the smallest glimmer of hope that there might be some way I can move on from you, you appear again and snatch it away, reeling me back in. And you don’t even have to try.
“You’ve just never realized that you’ve always been that man for me—you’ve just been too scared to fight for it… or us.”
“I want you, Ash. I don’t ever want you to doubt that.” “Yet five months ago, you chose my brother over me.”
The one bright light was meeting Kenzie Sharp in a bar in Davis.
The night I met her, I felt a flicker inside what had become a giant black hole in my chest. She had sass, she had style, and, during a drunken tirade when she stood on a bar and spoke of hope being dead and buried, I even saw something in her that called to me; she was a kindred spirit of sorts.
She was the first person since Ash who I actively pursued.
..and found myself falling for her.
Women like Kenzie make you want to hope that life has other plans for you, that maybe everything that’s happened in your past were simply stepping stones toward something bigger and better.
When he took Kenzie away to the lake house while still engaged to Lana, I made the second-biggest mistake of my life—I got drunk and slept with Lana.
“Well, I did peg you for a man-whore the first time I met you,” she says, slouching back into the cushions and crossing her long, tanned legs in front of her, drawing my attention to them.
...back at the one question I really didn’t expect. “How many times did you sleep with Lana?” “Twice. Once after I caught you and Kenz in the hallway, and once more when she called me all upset after finding out you’d gone away to the lake house.”
“What we had was never what it could’ve been because you were always running scared. How do I know that anything has changed?”
“Because you’re not the only one who’s fucking married, and as of an hour ago, she’s in labor,” I state matter of factly.
“Kenzie, Lana, and now my sister? Third strike, motherfucker. We’re fucking done.”
‘You’re not the only one who’s fucking married’ He married Lana and last night he told me he loved me.
The look on her face when I announced I was married to Lana will haunt me forever.
“The day I stop believing will be the day I know I’ve lost you, and that’s not something I’m willing to think about.”
“Do it right and make it count.”
“I’ll make it right, then I’ll make her mine. I promise.”
“I’d never want to hurt you. This is the only time I’ll ever do it willingly.”
“I’m a hot mess, wrapped up in a cloud of fuck-ups, with no light at the end of the tunnel to show me the way to future happiness.”
“You’re either all the way in or you let me go. One of us has to draw a line in the sand.”
“Forever and always.”
I'm a hot mess, wrapped up in a cloud of f*ck-ups, with no light at the end of the tunnel to show me the way to future happiness.
She won't be my dirty little secret. I won't let her be that for me.
You're ruining me for anyone else...And I'm not sure I can do it anymore.