Costly Obedience: What We Can Learn from the Celibate Gay Christian Community

by Mark A. Yarhouse, Olya Zaporozhets, Wesley Hill (Foreword)

Though we often hear about the "gay problem" today, there is an even deeper problem in the church today--one that we often overlook. The call to follow Christ is a call to costly obedience for all, not just for gay Christians. Far too often, the church has elevated homosexuality above other sins and required a costly obedience from gays that it is unwilling to demand of others. And yet, the answer is not to weaken the demands of obedience. Instead, gay Christians who make the difficult choice to align their lives with the biblical view of sexuality are a gift to the church, reminding all of us that spiritual growth and maturity is costly. There is a price to pay in following Christ and devoting our lives to the call of the gospel, and it is one that we all must pay--gay and straight Christians alike. Through the stories and struggles of gay Christians who are reorienting their lives around the costly obedience required to follow Christ, Mark Yarhouse and Olya Zaporozhets call the church to reorient as well, leaving behind the casual morality that is widespread today to pursue the path of radical discipleship. Unlike any other book on homosexuality and the church, this is a call to examine your life and consider what God is asking you to lay down to take up your cross and follow him.

Genres: Sexuality, Christian, Christian Living, Christianity, Theology, Gender and Sexuality, Nonfiction

240 pages, Paperback

Published June 25, 2019

About the author

Mark A. Yarhouse is a professor of psychology and the director of the Institute for the Study of Sexual Identity at Regent University. He is also part of a group practice in the Virginia Beach area, providing individual, couples, family, and group counseling. Dr. Yarhouse received his PsyD from Wheaton College and has worked collaboratively on a number of books. He and his family live in Virginia Beach, Virginia.

Reviews

[Alex Strohschein · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Costly Obedience: What We Can Learn From the Celibate Gay Christian Community" is an important, sympathetic book that combines quantitative data with personal testimonies and pastoral suggestions for including LGB Christians in the life of the church. The book specifically addresses "Side B" believers - gay Christians who hold to the traditional understanding of marriage and sexuality (in contrast to affirming "Side A" Christians and ex-gay "Side X" believers), notably exemplified by figures such as Wesley Hill, Eve Tushnet, and people associated with Spiritual Friendship and the Revoice Conference. As one gay Christian put it, for Side B Christians their gay identity is "phenomenological" but not "ontological." Some Side B Christians maintain permanent singleness while others enter "mixed-orientation" marriages.

Mark Yarhouse and Olya Zaporozhets chronicle the attitudes the modern Church has held toward LGBTQ+ Christians and how this has affected Christians struggling to reconcile their orthodox theology with their sexual identity. The authors include several extended testimonies from open and notable Side B Christians such as Bridget Eileen, as well as extensive interviews with Side B Christians who participated in the authors' study and from pastors. It is important to note that the LGB participants were all younger - they did not include Side B Christians who were, say, 65; this is significant as the Side B believers who WERE interviewed have largely come of age as the wider culture has liberalized its stance towards the LGBTQ+ community. The participants recall their first experiences of homosexuality and how they navigate their life as believers who resist sexual heterodoxy while often craving deep community.

Many of the pastors who were interviewed sought to be supportive of LGB members in their congregations but it is clear that they were also hesitant and unsure as to what the best course of action often was. This bridge-building book helps propel the conversation between Side B Christians and their brothers and sisters in Christ forward. I'd also suggest the woke crowd read this book as well since the world of Side B seems alien to most of them, at least those who consider religion a delusion and who haven't received the compelling testimonies of Side B believers. The authors include thoughtful discussion questions at the end of each chapter, making this a good resource for small groups. I highly recommend "Costly Obedience."

[Matthew McGill · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of the best books I’ve read on this topic. This book uses psychological research to unpack what experiences gay celibate Christians go through, how their unique stories can contribute to their local church contexts, and how those within the church can love them well over the course of a lifetime. Couldn’t recommend more if you’re wanting to find practical ways to engage in this conversation in a highly relational manner.

[Josh · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is about a group of people that is thought not to exist by many. The celibate gay Christian community, or Side B gay Christian community, are those who identify as gay and also hold a traditional view of sexual ethics, which includes the belief that same-sex marriage and intercourse are not permissible for Christians. As such, they are committed to celibacy: to not pursue same-sex relationships or marriages (though some end up in heterosexual marriages). This combination of traits can seem puzzling or even inherently contradictory. As described in the book, side B Christians identify with both the LGBTQ community (due to shared experience of being a sexual minority) and the Christian community (due to shared faith convictions). At the same time, they also feel like outsiders to both of these communities due to their identification of themselves as gay (raising eyebrows with many churches) and their commitment not to pursue sexual relationships (raising eyebrows with modern western culture, basically). But as much as Side B Christians may seem like walking contradictions, this book argues that they are not. In telling their story and sharing their experiences, this book entreats the church to see Side B Christians as brothers and sisters who have a unique challenge and ministry to offer the church and the world.

This book is based off of a research project conducted by the authors in which they interviewed around 300 people who fall into this category of Side B Christians. The first few chapters felt a little like data dumps- a lot of space was dedicated to conveying the survey results and sharing some representative quotes. Towards the end of the book the authors start drawing some of the threads together; they also (in my opinion) save some of the most powerful quotes and experiences for last.

This is not a book about theology. There is no argumentation about what the bible's teaching on sexual ethics and gay relationships is; it simply acknowledges that there is a traditional consensus on the issue that still holds in most Christian churches today (especially Catholic and Evangelical). At the same time the book also acknowledges the legitimacy of the terms "gay" and "lesbian" instead of adopting the often-used church term of "same-sex attraction", respecting the customary words used by the LGBTQ community to identify themselves. Both of these issues can and have become flashpoints in the culture war, but I really appreciate the authors' focus on the individuals' stories and experiences and how the church can learn from and love these individuals. To me this embodies the mandate of the New Testament as described in The Moral Vision of the New Testament: Community, Cross, New Creation: A Contemporary Introduction to New Testament EthicsThe Moral Vision of the New Testament: Community, Cross, New Creation: A Contemporary Introduction to New Testament Ethics, which calls the church not just to focus on right judgement but on embodying the picture of God's new creation community shaped by the cross. So the question is not just "what is the right belief about sexual ethics", but "what does it look like to be the body of Christ which includes sexual minorities?"

The final chapter of the book focuses on various opportunities for the church to learn from celibate gay Christians. By nature of who they are, side B Christians embody a challenge for the church on multiple fronts. They challenge the idea that sex (including heterosexual sex) makes one whole. They challenge the idea that God will always heal brokenness in this life. They challenge the idea that marriage is the only norm in society. They illustrate costly obedience and sacrifice and implicate the American church in its pursuit of comfort. As my friends and I discussed the book, we all felt challenged by these brothers' and sisters' embodiment of faithfulness and hope and longsuffering. In a very real and unique way, they are following in the way of Jesus.

[Maria Weir · Rating 5 out of 5]

Like Us Vs. Us, this is a book that I wish Christians would read. The emphasis on celibacy should calm their fears about supporting something they've held closely as "immoral" but this book's call to start with questions, walk with, fully integrate and give leadership roles to, be great friends with, honor, and support even those who (in Christian terms) "struggle" with celibacy are all great starting places. And I really wish we could have these behaviors as normal. My archbishop suggested this read as part of a group he's spearheading for better treatment of what this book calls "sexual minorities" in our faith confession.

PS. My sister, another clergy wife, once mentioned that we who have a sexual outlet in our marriages ask or expect something of LGBTQ people that most of us couldn't endure - celibacy - and it is hard to demand something of another that we wouldn't practice ourselves (or if we tried, we'd "struggle" as much.) It's important to note that we do expect this, demand, ask, and if LGBTQ people don't do it to our standards, we quickly and negatively react. Nevermind the plank in our own eyes.

[Kendall Davis · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was extremely well done. Yarhouse and Zaporozhets have conducted and presented some very helpful quantitative and qualitative research that is invaluable for moving forward in integrating these Christians into the life of the church. However, more than just presenting data, they have genuine insight and analysis into this situation and how it is often approached and lived out in actual people's lives. I particularly valued their section on how the church can benefit from the presence and witness of celibate gay Christians. As full members of the body of Christ they contribute to the life of the church. While they themselves need support, they can also support us. This is such a great reframing of the question and I hope that the authors' analysis can spur on more discussion on this critical issue in the life of the church today.

[Mark Youngkin · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a difficult book to review. I had high hopes for it because of my interest in the topic. But unfortunately it's a very dry read and very light on insight into celibate gay Christians (if that's an appropriate term; I'm not sure it is, but I don't have a better suggestion).

The last chapter and conclusion are worth a star here, and if the whole book were like it, the book would be worth four or five stars. Unfortunately leading up to the last chapter it's as dry as an academic research paper. For strongly interested ministry professionals only.

[Trevor Atwood]

This is a research book. Lots of stats. And quotes.

[Erin Hogan · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Costly Obedience: What We Can Learn from the Celibate Gay Christian Community" offers a thought-provoking exploration of the experiences and perspectives of celibate gay (or same-sex attracted) Christians. The book presents compelling research and data, particularly in the realm of mental health and attachment styles, which adds depth and credibility to the discussion.

I found the book valuable in fostering dialogue and understanding within our staff community, as we discussed the intersection of human sexuality and discipleship in ministry. It challenges simplistic narratives and encourages empathy and respect for the experiences of celibate gay Christians. The book invites readers to approach conversations about human sexuality with humility, grace, and a willingness to learn from one another.

While the book provides important insights, I wished for a more comprehensive discussion on the theology of Side B, which the book leaves relatively broad as those who hold to a traditional sexual ethic without expecting or necessitating a change in one's sexual orientation. Yarhouse touches on the complexities of celibacy, sexuality, and faith, but focuses more on the practical aspects of obedience to the Gospel and walking alongside LGBTQ+ individuals. I greatly appreciated his call for all of us in the church to similarly examine what we might need to lay down to follow Christ more fully, in addition to creating familial belonging in the body of Christ for singles of any orientation.

In conclusion, "Costly Obedience" is an engaging book that invites readers to grapple with the complexities of human sexuality within the context of Christian faith. It serves as a valuable resource for individuals, churches, and communities seeking to navigate these sensitive conversations. For those looking for a more in-depth exploration of the theology, history, and apologetics of Christian human sexuality, I recommend "Still Time to Care" by Greg Johnson as an additional resource.

[Tyler Brown · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was asked to read this book for an upcoming training for my ministry work. I had recently read Greg Johnson's Still Time to Care, and I found this book a very similar and slightly less helpful version of that one.

This book's strength is its imperial data. I was excited to read about the mental health of celibate gay Christians. The chapter on the church being a safe space for Christians experiencing same-sex attraction (or gay Christians if you prefer) was very helpful! The points felt common sense, but the sort that you commonly find lacking in your own spaces of influence. I love (LOVE) the call for all Christians to live out the sort of costly discipleship and self-denial that is the necessary back drop for inviting those in the LGBTQ community to embrace a life of costly obedience.

The biggest shortcoming with this book is an imprecise definition of the various options for evangelical Christians to think about LGBTQ issues. Yarhouse and Zaporozhets offer four categories of response: Side A (affirming), Side C (undecided), Side X (ex-gay), and Side B (all others). Given the options in front of us, Side B everything that is not affirming (holding to traditional sexual ethics) and not embracing the prosperity gospel of orientation conversion. This definition side-steps all the nuanced, but incredibly important elements of the debate itself. How we should think about indwelling sin and our union with Christ, to what extent identity is a helpful paradigm, concupiscence, the sinfulness of distorted desires, and much more: all of this is glossed over as "inter-Side-B debate." Therefore, the book didn't advance the conversation much.

[Tim · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hard to rate or evaluate a book written by such a significant expert on a topic! This is also a topic on which I am lacking knowledge and experience. But this book seems like one of a kind - a broad, deep, and sensitive treatment of an important social issue today.

Using hard data from extensive studies, Yarhouse paints a picture of the experience of "Celibate Gay Christians" - in their daily lives and in church fellowship. As a vocational psychologist, he has come into contact with large numbers of people who experience homosexual desire and gender dysphoria (another topic for another book).

Essentially, Yarhouse takes a "side B" approach. While "A" would affirm and celebrate homosexuality, "X" would call for repentance and complete conversion of one's orientation, "Y" would tolerate orientation but discourage acting, identifying or labeling oneself by it, "Side B" accepts labels such as "gay" and calls for celibacy.

Yarhouse concludes that homosexual desire is just one of many temptations that Christians are called to resist acting upon. At the same time, he does not see the need to try to change one's orientation. Rather, like C.S. Lewis (written in a personal letter), he sees it as a potential calling or vocation to celibacy. Yarhouse calls on the church to create accepting environments (in their homes, worship, and fellowship), and to also view homosexuals as people with something unique to offer.

[Chris Baik · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great and sorely-needed resource to help bridge the gap between those caught between the LGBTQ community and the church. It focuses on the trials of "Side B" Christians, who don't believe that homosexual practice is permissible according to the Bible, and have committed to a celibate lifestyle as a result.

In particular, this book does a fabulous job articulating pastoral concerns and suggestions to the church for understanding the plight of Side B Christians, backing their claims with a study, and helping the reader to take a step away from a hyper-polarized view pitting gay rights against the church. Of course, "Side A" believers (those who believe that same-sex marriages should be affirmed and celebrated) are in a different realm and are not discussed much in this particular book.

I would certainly recommend it wholeheartedly to any pastors, because I think it would go a great way in helping churches to find a common ground and create a welcoming environment for Side B believers without needing to compromise their doctrinal beliefs.

[David Chang · Rating 5 out of 5]

To be honest, I was a little skeptical when I read the cover page because the words “gay Christian community” was something that I had not ever heard of until I heard a friend talking about this book.

But this book was refreshing and insightful because it opened my eyes to a community of believers that radically obeyed God. The first few chapters overloaded me with a lot of survey data and at first, it was kind of overwhelming but after re-reading a couple times and analyzing the data for myself, it breathed fresh perspective into the gay Christian community.

The gay Christian community believes in upholding the Word of God while experiencing same sex attraction. I appreciated how the last few chapters in how the church can support them as they can exemplify Christ to others in the community. This reminds me of the importance of prioritizing God’s kingdom and laying down our cross to follow Him.

[Laura S · Rating 3 out of 5]

LGBTQ participation in the church has come up a few times in conversations I’ve had lately, so I thought I’d listen to this audiobook to gain more insight. Since this can be such a divisive subject, I am happy to report that I found the tone to be gentle, humble, and respectful of people whose understanding and opinions fall all along the spectrum.

I think it is helpful how the authors point out that what it means to be gay is different based on the individual and it is unhelpful to be heavily influenced by stereotypes. This is supported by firsthand accounts of several people who identify as “celibate gay Christians.” They explain that the Church universal tends to get caught up in cultural clashes that brings out fear and reactionary behavior tending toward both extremes. The call is for Christians to return to the vision of a family-community it is intended to be.

[Kenneth Sowers · Rating 4 out of 5]

Here is a different approach than most - and it makes a lot of sense. Since the LGBTQ+ way is a gender orientation, the likelihood of it being reversed or "healed" as some have attempted is not showing signs of working, but neither has the welcoming and affirming stance that many are moving towards - at least for churches that can not get past the Bible's teachings on sexual immorality, the authors propose a costly obedience that will allow the expression of gifts and ministry without turning a blind eye to excesses. That costly obedience is celibacy. Tough, I know, right? It is what we ask of heterosexuals before marriage (with limited success) and of married couples to keep the marriage bed pure.

[Kristel Acevedo · Rating 3 out of 5]

What I love about this book are the conclusions the authors draw. I love the compassion behind their writing. I also love reading direct quotes from celibate gay Christians. Hearing their stories is powerful.

What I did not enjoy about the book is that, often, the writing came across very mechanical. It was a lot of facts and figures. This is understandable because the author are psychologists and they are conveying the results of their studies. It was just hard to read sometimes. I wanted the bottom line. This is a personal preference.

Overall, great book for church leaders and pastors to understand the world of celibate gay Christians. I appreciate the gap the authors are trying to bridge.

[Dean · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a really interesting book. I discovered this book from the ‘Life on Side B’ podcast (season 1 episode 12&13). One of the reviews said that it was on the dry side - this book is based on research with 300+ celibate gay Christian’s (including their pastors and their friends) however I can’t say that this was my experience. Perhaps because I am a celebrate gay Christian I found that I spent quite a lot of my time reflecting upon my own experiences and how I would have responded to some of the research questions posed. Overall I found this book very interesting, helpful and encouraging. Basically it was seeking to answer the question whether it was healthy ( or cruel) to be a celibate gay Christian). This was a great book and I hope that lots of other people will read it also.

[Christabelle]

This was a hard read. To be fair, I belong to a traditional family demographic and identify with old school religious beliefs. But I understand that the political and cultural shifts in recent years have brought to the surface groups of people that were originally not considered people groups. I think the authors did a good job of making the reader consider which these people are and what their relationship is in and to the church. I still have some.strongly held beliefs, but this makes me think about how I treat others and interact with them.

[Brad · Rating 5 out of 5]

Enjoyed this book a lot, and am so thankful to Mark and Olya for the rigor and care they have employed in pulling together such a thoughtful and well-researched book.

The church simply must think about these issues in a more nuanced way than it has, and this book is a great avenue for anyone to grow in wisdom around these issues.

Walked away from reading this with a lot more hope for how the church can engage with sexual minorities, both to bless them as well as be blessed by them.

[Paul Herriott · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book with it's ground breaking research and clarity of where parties stand within the Christian church is so valuable. There are results from the surveys that shed light on the complexities, but also give hope for those trying to live faithfully. What happens here is a giant shift between the books that have come before it that have answered the "what" questions, this books seeks to answer the "what now" question.

[Liz · Rating 4 out of 5]

Like most of Yarhouse's books, Costly Obedience is a lot of statistical analysis of interviews he and his associates conducted. Interested in "theologically traditional + queer" (celibate gay) Christians' experience of the church, the interviews cover a wide range topics including mental health, social life, and how they interact with the broader LGBT+ community. It's pretty dry and academic.

[Kristen Mcknight · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book for my professional life. The author conducts research in the area of sexuality. His main focus in the book is how to help and incorporate celebate gay Christians into the lives of churches and friendships. It's a book I would refer as a resource to pastors and others interested in building healthy relationships with gay Christians.

[Ruthie Planamenta · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a very helpful, if stiff book. The results of their extensive study with celibate gay Christians were thought-provoking and important for stirring conversation about celibacy within the Church. I recommend this volume for any Christian either discerning whether to remain single or seeking to love singles in the Church, whether you are gay or not!

[Karin Rosner · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is very dry and academic, and even the personal stories feel like they're removed one-step, two-steps... hidden behind safety nets cast around them by the researchers. This study helped me bring my language about these issues up to date. This is a worthwhile resource to pursue.

[Micaela Hardyman · Rating 5 out of 5]

An incredibly important book for churches and Christians today, and a very worthwhile and well-written read.

[Jeremy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great read on the LGBTQinChrist movement

[Benji Bruneel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great investigation of the experience of LGBTQ individuals seeking to live according to the historic Christian sexual ethic. The authors issue kind but important challenge for the church to better embody welcome and to imagine more holistic approaches to discipleship for all people.

[Ryan Kiser · Rating 1 out of 5]

The author fails to provide biblical evidence of his claims that a Christian may identify as gay/lesbian. The foundation of his thesis is built upon arbitrariness. God, speaking contrary to Yarhouse, asserts that a Christian is dead to his/her former life, washed, and made a new creation (1 Cor. 6). All thoughts, actions, desires, passions, and attractions that are contrary to the created order are sinful and must be mortified. It seems clear therefore that a person born of the Spirit would have no desire to have a homosexual conception of himself/herself.

The most damning element of this book is the presentation of false unity between Rome and Christianity. Rome still relies upon faith and human merit for salvation which is a false gospel. Clearly the author sought to overlook the purpose of the Reformation.

[T · Rating 3 out of 5]

I listened to the audiobook. While it left me with many things to think about, I did find it difficult to follow some of the statistics they shared difficult to follow due to the fact it was an audiobook.