In Search of Silence

by Poorna Bell

Winner of Red Magazine's Book of the Year 2019 'Raw, poetic and breathtaking' Fearne Cotton  'It is rare to find an author who writes with such authenticity, empathy and humour. I couldn't recommend this read enough. It will enrich your life' Will Young  'Poorna's beautiful, thoughtful writing is a gift of calm, laughter and stoic contemplation in an increasingly anxious world. Simultaneously earthed and sometimes ephemeral, this book is absolutely delightsome, compassionate, tender and a lesson to us all in self-love and nurture. I read it in a matter of days and started over again' Jack Monroe  Poorna Bell was sold the fairytale of life. That love wins the day. That marriage is the rescue to an otherwise unhappy existence. That children are the natural progression of any relationship. But really, is it? Are we actually being honest with ourselves about the expectations we have set for ourselves? Are we able to distinguish between what we really need from life, from everything that we have been conditioned to want? Because the current rhetoric doesn’t prepare you for the reality.   In 2015 Poorna Bell became a widow after her husband Rob took his own life on a winter’s night, having battled depression and addiction. Her situation was unusual when compared to a lot of people, but she was left figuring out exactly the same things. Will she ever be happy? Will she find love again? Who will rescue her from her sadness?   Two years on and Poorna is rebuilding her life. And it is from this place – as she works towards choosing what she does and doesn’t want from society, that she will explore a different conversation around fulfillment and self-worth. Cutting across the landscapes in India, New Zealand and Britain, Poorna Bell explores the things endemic in our society such as sadness and loneliness, to unpick why we seek other people to fix what’s inside of us.In Search of Silence is the recognition of the echo chamber we find ourselves in, in terms of what constitutes a successful, fulfilling life. This is a heartfelt, deeply personal journey which asks us all to define what 'happiness' truly means. 'Rich with achingly beautiful language that transports the reader to the streets of Bangalore, the mountain-topped peaks of Nepal and the long and winding roads of New Zealand, I adored absolutely everything about In Search of Silence. A book that will speak to anyone who has grown tired of London, who has lost, who has loved, who has lamented the loss of a loved one, it is a beautiful, life-affirming read that explores solitude, silence and sadness and is underpinned with hope and happiness for the future' The Literary Edit

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Biography, Travel, Psychology, Mental Health, Philosophy

273 pages, Kindle Edition

Published May 2, 2019

About the author

I'm an award-winning journalist of 21 years, author and a digital editorial expert, having previously worked as UK Executive Editor and Global Lifestyle Head for HuffPost. I’ve also published three non-fiction books and my second novel is out in 2024.

I specialise in women’s issues, diversity, fitness, pro-ageing and mental health, and have freelanced for The Times, The i Paper, Grazia, The Guardian, Red magazine, and Stylist among others. I work across written features, video and podcasts.

I’m an experienced public speaker, from doing keynotes to moderating events for FTSE 100 companies, hosting and running seminars for corporations. I’m also accomplished in broadcast, having spoken on Channel 5, ITV, and BBC News, and am a regular fixture on BBC radio.

And, did I mention I’m a competitive powerlifter?

Reviews

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

“All it does is create a permanent emotional hunger. We look at people’s social media accounts and see them leading happy lives. We tell ourselves that if only we had a body that looked like that person, or if we had a gorgeous partner, then we’d finally be happy. It has become a commodity, and the irony is that this type of ‘organised happiness’ - i.e. achieving through planning and goal-setting versus spontaneity - doesn’t even feel like happiness by the time it arrives in your life.”

[Melanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

A book about love and loss and grief and life and finding ourselves and choosing ourselves and the people we love and the world we live in. I think I'm a different person for having read this.

[Gowri N. · Rating 3 out of 5]

Last year, I read Paul Kalanithi's 'When breath becomes air' and loved it. It was heartbreaking, yet uplifting and thought provoking. It is the kind of book I will re-read parts of every few years.
This isn't a review of that book, but I picked up Bell's 'In search of silence' expecting it to be similar.

It wasn't.

The prose is beautiful and there are thoughts/sentences that stay with you. Particularly a question Bell asks on the meaning of loneliness and the loneliness of people in love and happy marriages.

Other than that, I couldn't really connect with this book. The first thing that put me off was in the prologue where Bell describes a conversation with her niece. She describes her own eyes as startling green or piercing green (or one of those adjectives romance novelists use to describe their heroines) with flecks of yellow/golden. I mean, it's one thing to describe another person's eyes with such indulgence, but to do it to your own was odd.

The narrative is all over the place: sometimes family history, sometimes impressions of a place Bell is visiting, sometimes her views on coping with grief, sometimes her opinion on choosing to be single...it was jerky, proceeding in fits and spurts. Perhaps because of that, I didn't get a full sense of her journey from the immediate shock and guilt to a state of acceptance and healing.

The book was also rather puffy around the middle and it felt like we were going over and over again about the same points. The closure, when it came, felt rather sudden and somewhat disappointing.

When I read what I've said so far, it seems I disliked the book. That isn't true. The writing is quite lyrical with some beautiful imagery. I don't regret reading this; just don't particularly recommend it.

[Natalie Lewis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful

A stunning book - I read and re-read passage after passage and even highlighted the ones that resonated with me the most. Poorna is so right on in so many ways and speaks so openly you feel a real connection to her words. Loved it - grateful for it too.

[Lauren Barrett · Rating 4 out of 5]

such a beautiful book

[Chloe · Rating 5 out of 5]

Poorna’s voice is such a necessary one, a beautiful journey that resonates so strongly with me. I didn’t know it was possible to bookmark so many passages and I’m getting ready to read it all over again!

[Tam · Rating 5 out of 5]

I bought this book after seeing Poorna Bell on a panel about loss and addiction at a Literary Festival this summer. She was poignant and cool. I was compelled to buy the book because of her authenticity, strength, and emotion. Her writing did not disappoint. The colorful descriptors draw you into her experience, inviting you to observe and participate in her emotions and journey to forgiveness through unimaginable grief and loneliness. It’s honest. It’s inspiring. And it’s thought-provoking. It’s also not overburdened - she is a journalist and keeps things brief with the right amount of flavor. If you are the type of person who is drawn to help others or give unsolicited advice - you need to read this book. It might help you understand a different perspective on why your well-meaning words and actions and advice are alienating and potentially damaging. And if you’re not, read it anyway. It might give you some empathy. If not, it’s a well-written good read anyway. And authentic AF.

[Z · Rating 3 out of 5]

It is unfair to 'review' someone's account of grief and recovery - a range of huge emotions, an intensely personal and brave journey - so let that be the disclaimer for what follows, which is simply an evaluation of how she recounted this journey for the reader.
Bell is clearly a very empathetic, honest person and there were parts of the book (e.g. why she quit her job, how she processed her emotions in New Zealand) that resonated deeply with me. This could have been a much deeper dive into the nature of grief and healing, though - it remains quite superficial, perhaps in an attempt to introduce some lightness to what could otherwise be a very heavy tale. Overtly descriptive accounts of hikes and lakes and hills, all-too-brief insights into dealing with the messy truth of panic attacks, loss, social pressure, loneliness. It's wrapped up too neatly. She's an excellent writer though and is clearly capable of far more depth, so I will probably be curious about whatever she writes next.

[Em · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoy reading the lyrical prose Bell has used throughout her book. This is the reason why I gave 4 stars. She also delved on thought provoking personal subjects and is frank about her thoughts on them. On the contrary, I expected more insight about other people's thoughts on dealing with loss and emptiness. Bell on the other had, focused a large chunk of the book by poetically describing the places she traveled to which mean a lot to her to reflect on her life and deal with the pain of loss, thus seeking spiritual solace. I feel that she could have explored the topic at a much deeper level.

[Enfys Joy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I met Poorna this week at an event for her newest novel. And shared how much this book meant to me already (I was 40% through and had cried and smiled through tears, and recognised some of my own growing/learning/grieving as I read her own.)
I finish it now, again with tears streaking down my face, but with my shoulders lighter, feeling some of the pressure removed.

As the author wrote for me in my copy, as I started to cry and laugh while talking with her “Tears are good” processing is necessary and this book was a dreamy (yet down to earth) journey to take.

[Marie · Rating 2 out of 5]

⭐️⭐️ In Search of Silence by Poona Bell

Poorna knew Rob was suffering from clinical depression when she met him but he waited until after they were married to disclose he was a drug addict. They were very much in love and Rob was trying hard to stay clean but with little success. This caused huge complications in their marriage, most of all financially.

They decided on a trial separation for a few months and Rob moved back to his native Australia to help with his recovery. Not long after Poorna received a call from her mother-in-law to say Rob had committed suicide. This turned Poorna’s world upside down.

A year later she left her job to travel across her native India and New Zealand to find peace and solitude and work her way through her gut-wrenching grief.

I had great hopes for this book but I just couldn’t connect in any way. The story jumped all over the place and was completely disjointed. It went back and forward in time so much my head was spinning. I would have loved it if a chapter was assigned to each part of her life; early days, Rob, her adventures travelling and after Rob, as this way we could get a true picture of these parts in her life. The way she wrote this was long-winded and so convoluted.

The language was excessively descriptive with an uncomfortable amount of adjectives. She asked herself an abundance of questions and talked heavily about God and a higher power.

I did enjoy listening when Poorna described places like Nepal, Bangalore and New Zealand however there were too many tangents in between. I would have liked to hear more about her and Rob and her loneliness, her grief and her loss as I thought her discussion on these subjects was all too brief.

All this being said I think Poorna was a very brave woman and admire her courage in how she coped with so much during her marriage to Rob and after his death. I admire greatly how she was so open about her intense grief and deeply personal feelings.

Unfortunately how this book was written and delivered was unenjoyable, confusing, extremely repetitive and quite tedious. The concerns I had were more to do with this and less to do with the content.

[Kristine · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you have lost a loved one, read this book! If you feel lost in your life, trying to understand what to do with your life, read this book! It made me realize that some of my dreams aren't mine - I've tried so hard to achieve what society expects me to achieve, but is it really what I want in my life? Perfect reading for the times of pandemia - so very true, inspiring and lighting that little star in the end of the tunnel called hope!

[Emi Ivegotthepowa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Poorna tells us her journey through grief and the world. She puts words on the worst feeling ever : loosing someone you love. It is easy and really pleasant to read, but you will need a lot of tissues...

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautiful, thoughtful book - loved it

This is such a beautiful book. It is moving, honest and I loved the detailed descriptions of the travelling tied in with the personal element of the story. Made me think and will probably be re-reading a few times!

[varsh · Rating 4 out of 5]

Only by reading ‘Chase the Rainbow’ first will you be able to truly touch the grief and keep it close as you read In Search of Silence. If not, this second book will feel superficial - which is a shame and unfair to the beauty of her writing.

[Lauren · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's only a week into January and I know this will be one of my favorite books of the year. It got me. The writing is so beautiful, I took notes, a lot of notes. And I cried as I read the final pages.

[Michelle Crellin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book incredibly insightful and felt it gave some interesting points to ponder re mental health and how men / boys are socially conditioned. The first half was punchy and to the point but most of the second half felt like gap filler text and definitely could of been shortened.

[Chelsea · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely loved this book! The perfect mix of serious but funny, sad and tragic but hope and positivity! Powerful message.

[Katie Heffernan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Enjoyed the book but thought her first book chasing the rainbow was much better.

[Miri · Rating 5 out of 5]

Exceptional book on dealing with a personal loss.

[Becky · Rating 5 out of 5]

The best book I have read this year. I couldn't put it down despite having a busy week. The language is just beautiful and the story is poignant and honest but still manages to be light and funny. I would recommend this to anyone and everyone. If you haven't read Poorna's writing, you should.

[Mirela · Rating 3 out of 5]

A bit less than three star. An enjoyable book, but something is missing.

[Viv · Rating 2 out of 5]

It started well but became very repetitious, navel-gazing and self-absorbed. It's hard to care about anyone in the book including the author because they are all so superficial.