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Bless This Mess: A Modern Guide to Faith and Parenting in a Chaotic World
Pairing modern psychology with liberal Christian spirituality, Dr. Ellen O'Donnell and Rev. Molly Baskette deliver a clear and compelling modus operandi for making family life work--one rooted in research on parenting and Christian values, peppered with personal stories and a heavy dose of humor.
When authors Ellen O'Donnell and Molly Baskette became parents, they read lots of books on parenting--many of them great. But when it came to practical suggestions that would help their family spiritually and psychologically, they came up short. Together, they sought out brainstorming actionable steps to help their families in ways that weren't being discussed in parenting books. This book is the fruit of their brainstorming and discussions.
In Bless This Mess, readers will gain tools as they learn how to talk to kids about money, bodies, God, ethics, disability, and difference; how to stress less (really); how to embody an ethic of service to others; how to live a practice of deep generosity and gratitude; and, most of all, how to stop being so afraid all the damn time, as we raise our kids in an increasingly chaotic and often scary world. Both Christian spirituality and modern science can help us parent more fearlessly in an age of anxiety. With real-life examples and strategies to address the challenges of raising a toddler, preteen, or teenager, Bless This Mess guides parents of children at all stages of their development.
Readers will shed stress with this resource they can turn to again and again for practical guidance as their children grow and the family encounters new challenges. Most important, readers will not feel alone, as they peruse relatable stories and are reminded of the companionship of God in their parenting journey.
When authors Ellen O'Donnell and Molly Baskette became parents, they read lots of books on parenting--many of them great. But when it came to practical suggestions that would help their family spiritually and psychologically, they came up short. Together, they sought out brainstorming actionable steps to help their families in ways that weren't being discussed in parenting books. This book is the fruit of their brainstorming and discussions.
In Bless This Mess, readers will gain tools as they learn how to talk to kids about money, bodies, God, ethics, disability, and difference; how to stress less (really); how to embody an ethic of service to others; how to live a practice of deep generosity and gratitude; and, most of all, how to stop being so afraid all the damn time, as we raise our kids in an increasingly chaotic and often scary world. Both Christian spirituality and modern science can help us parent more fearlessly in an age of anxiety. With real-life examples and strategies to address the challenges of raising a toddler, preteen, or teenager, Bless This Mess guides parents of children at all stages of their development.
Readers will shed stress with this resource they can turn to again and again for practical guidance as their children grow and the family encounters new challenges. Most important, readers will not feel alone, as they peruse relatable stories and are reminded of the companionship of God in their parenting journey.
320 pages, Paperback
First published August 6, 2019
49 people are currently reading
1571 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 60 reviews
June 24, 2019
As a pastor who works a lot with parents and young families, I'm always looking for great resources to aid my ministry. Bless This Mess is one of those resources. I really liked the unique combination of expertise from the pastoral and the clinical angles, as well as the personal anecdotes woven throughout. All of that put together makes the wisdom in this book practical and accessible. I have a lot of conversations with parents about the "theoretical" and the "should" - what our faith instructs us to do, on a cerebral level - and how that so often rubs up against the practicalities of busy everyday life. This book offers a host of suggestions and ideas for how to apply what we know we "should" do with things we actually can do, and supports those ideas with both Christian faith and clinical psychology. I found the chapter on bodies and sex to be particularly profound in the way it discusses a healthy Christian sexuality at all ages - how to approach this with really young kids as well as teenagers. The one thing that stood out to me, especially as I read the chapter that tackled how to raise anti-racist kids, is that the book seems to assume a white middle-class audience. This does not make the book any less helpful or relevant, but for those who pastor non-white churches, it's something to be aware of.
I've been encouraged by the increase in books that address Christian parenting from a more progressive/liberal Christian standpoint. This book solidly stands in that category. It doesn't shy away from many of the issues that faithful Christians grapple with: poverty, sexuality, inequality, money, justice. What's great about this book is how it addresses those issues from not only a Christian standpoint (what the Gospel says about it) but from the clinical standpoint (how science supports this approach to these issues). It gives both the why and the how behind the wisdom it offers.
Overall, I greatly appreciated this book, and I'm happy to have another volume to add to my bibliography for parents at my church.
I've been encouraged by the increase in books that address Christian parenting from a more progressive/liberal Christian standpoint. This book solidly stands in that category. It doesn't shy away from many of the issues that faithful Christians grapple with: poverty, sexuality, inequality, money, justice. What's great about this book is how it addresses those issues from not only a Christian standpoint (what the Gospel says about it) but from the clinical standpoint (how science supports this approach to these issues). It gives both the why and the how behind the wisdom it offers.
Overall, I greatly appreciated this book, and I'm happy to have another volume to add to my bibliography for parents at my church.
June 24, 2019
#PRHpartner @CrownPublishing
Blessed to receive an advanced copy of this book. What stopped me in my tracks was Chapter 6 on Service and Community. As a community organizer, pastor and former ED/founder of a nonprofit...this chapter hit home. The authors delve into the disconnect and tension of happiness and kindness. That the two aren't mutually exclusive and that many of our kids come away with the message that our deepest desire for them (as parents) is for them to be happy. When, what we really want is for them to be kind. The authors take time to address what it means to instill kindness as a family value. As someone with grown children (well, children who think they are grown anyway) this way of Jesus as fundamentally, service to the other...is more than just a beginning and overshadows that of Savior. This book will shape many a sermon. Grateful to have some new conversation partners!
Blessed to receive an advanced copy of this book. What stopped me in my tracks was Chapter 6 on Service and Community. As a community organizer, pastor and former ED/founder of a nonprofit...this chapter hit home. The authors delve into the disconnect and tension of happiness and kindness. That the two aren't mutually exclusive and that many of our kids come away with the message that our deepest desire for them (as parents) is for them to be happy. When, what we really want is for them to be kind. The authors take time to address what it means to instill kindness as a family value. As someone with grown children (well, children who think they are grown anyway) this way of Jesus as fundamentally, service to the other...is more than just a beginning and overshadows that of Savior. This book will shape many a sermon. Grateful to have some new conversation partners!
June 27, 2019
This book is FULL of practical wisdom and advice for parents of children of all ages! (And it's the type of book that you don't have to read cover-to cover, but can turn to whatever chapter you need advice on at the time.)
As a pastor and the parent of teenagers, I wondered if the wisdom in this book would be much of use to me personally, since my kids are out of the little kid stage. I read it thinking that I would find wisdom to pass on to parents in my church. However, as a parent to teenagers, I found the chapters on Sabbath, the Beauty of Bodies, Routines and Rituals and Worry Once, Worry Well particularly helpful.
In the chapter on worry, I resonated with the quote: "To let go of fear in parenting is not the same as never worrying. It is to find enough room around the fear that you refuse to allow worry to dictate your parenting." Every parent worries about their kids; the trick is to not let it control your parenting style and get in the way of letting your kids grow in healthy ways.
I recommend this book to parents with children of all ages, who want a progressive, spiritual-but-not-too-religious resource with really practical ideas about parenting in a wholistic way.
As a pastor and the parent of teenagers, I wondered if the wisdom in this book would be much of use to me personally, since my kids are out of the little kid stage. I read it thinking that I would find wisdom to pass on to parents in my church. However, as a parent to teenagers, I found the chapters on Sabbath, the Beauty of Bodies, Routines and Rituals and Worry Once, Worry Well particularly helpful.
In the chapter on worry, I resonated with the quote: "To let go of fear in parenting is not the same as never worrying. It is to find enough room around the fear that you refuse to allow worry to dictate your parenting." Every parent worries about their kids; the trick is to not let it control your parenting style and get in the way of letting your kids grow in healthy ways.
I recommend this book to parents with children of all ages, who want a progressive, spiritual-but-not-too-religious resource with really practical ideas about parenting in a wholistic way.
June 26, 2019
As recovering fundamentalist/evangelicals, it's been challenging for my wife and me to find parenting guidance that fits our philosophy of parenting while also connecting to our progressive Christian values. We know a lot more about the parents we don't want to be instead of the parents we do want to be. At first, we thought we had it all figured out - that we really had all the answers -and knew how to be better parents than ours were - than all our friends were. A couple of kids and a couple of kids later, we've realized how much more we still have to learn. After reading a lot of parenting books in the last few years, I can honestly say, Baskette's book is among the best! With humor, hope, and evidence-based theory, it connects in all the ways we have been longing for as progressive parents. #PRHpartner @CrownPublishing
July 26, 2019
Sex, drugs, money, racism, serving others, worship, prayer ... where else can you read an excellent book about those topics and raising your children of all ages to grow into maturity and wisdom (Lord, please, hear our prayer!)?
Authors Molly and Ellen thought it would be good to write a parenting book for progressive Christians because so many of the "Christian" books out there focus too much on promoting a theological paradigm of "original sin," "obedience," "purity," and so forth. The world needed a parenting book that treats young humans developing into mature humans with the progressive theological understanding of humans as a mixture of "good" and "bad" while using solid scientific research to guide best practices. With this approach the authors move beyond the binary thinking that pervades so much of our culture, especially in parenting. For example: spank or don’t spank? Take away stuff as punishment or don’t take away stuff? Don't talk about sex and drugs or dump on your teens all the juicy details about your own (or others') experiences?
The authors seek to promote "good enough parenting." Often in parenting, good results to be achieved in parenting, though not perfect results, come from "good enough parenting." Parenting is complex and can never reach perfection. Be consistent, not rigid. Be authoritative, not authoritarian. Be good enough, not perfect.
If you're tired of the clinical "how to" approach of many parenting books and want to read a book full of humor, honest and inspiring self-disclosure, progressive spirituality, and scientific insights, then look no further!
Authors Molly and Ellen thought it would be good to write a parenting book for progressive Christians because so many of the "Christian" books out there focus too much on promoting a theological paradigm of "original sin," "obedience," "purity," and so forth. The world needed a parenting book that treats young humans developing into mature humans with the progressive theological understanding of humans as a mixture of "good" and "bad" while using solid scientific research to guide best practices. With this approach the authors move beyond the binary thinking that pervades so much of our culture, especially in parenting. For example: spank or don’t spank? Take away stuff as punishment or don’t take away stuff? Don't talk about sex and drugs or dump on your teens all the juicy details about your own (or others') experiences?
The authors seek to promote "good enough parenting." Often in parenting, good results to be achieved in parenting, though not perfect results, come from "good enough parenting." Parenting is complex and can never reach perfection. Be consistent, not rigid. Be authoritative, not authoritarian. Be good enough, not perfect.
If you're tired of the clinical "how to" approach of many parenting books and want to read a book full of humor, honest and inspiring self-disclosure, progressive spirituality, and scientific insights, then look no further!
May 26, 2019
This is the book I wish I'd had when my children were young - what a treasure chest of wisdom, ideas, and practices! Parenting young people has become ever more complex in this world of social media, internet connections, cell phones and the deep polarization that exists on almost any topic. How do you teach your child values, how to make good choices, and how to nurture their spirits?
Each section of this book offers many suggestions and approaches. They don't shy away from difficult issues. I am recommending this book for my church bookstore - and to all my friends and acquaintances with children living at home. It is truly a gem.
Each section of this book offers many suggestions and approaches. They don't shy away from difficult issues. I am recommending this book for my church bookstore - and to all my friends and acquaintances with children living at home. It is truly a gem.
October 9, 2020
Really enjoyed this one. Helpful, encouraging, full of love and grace and freedom. And not at all treacly, despite the book cover, which is lame and doesn’t match the contents.
A true breath of fresh air that promotes “good enough parenting” over perfectionism and that has already changed my perspective. I highly recommend it if you are someone who is looking to be a different kind of parent than your models and most especially if you are looking to avoid legalism and fear.
A true breath of fresh air that promotes “good enough parenting” over perfectionism and that has already changed my perspective. I highly recommend it if you are someone who is looking to be a different kind of parent than your models and most especially if you are looking to avoid legalism and fear.
July 29, 2019
This unexpectedly life-changing book found its way into my hands at just the right time.
Age 41, seven months pregnant with the little bean who would be my fourth (but my 52 year old fiancé’s first!) baby. Since he’d recently moved in, we’d been busily working out the kinks of co-parenting my olders, and were now nervously wondering what kind of new parents we’d be, together. I was privately, increasingly stressed by my flagging energy reserves matched against a stubborn streak of parenting perfectionism, which I like to call “parfectionism” for short. While still anxious to be that always-on-it supermom, I could hardly heave my elephantine self upstairs, let alone gracefully juggle the daily parenting complications as my four, eleven, and seventeen year olds each dealt with their distinct stages of growing pain.
Overwhelmed by their shifting needs and questions, I’d been drinking too much coffee, missing sleep to lame parenting blogs and google, snapping at my kids too much, then feeling guilty and insecure about myself as a competent mom.
Enter my own unexpected new blessing, in the form of a grounding morning ritual:
My fiancé and I began discussing a few pages of Bless this Mess: A Modern Guide to Faith and Parenting in a Chairic World over (a lower caffeine type of...) coffee, each day. In the 5-25 minutes before my brood of older kids awoke and the slew of demands began, this book soaked into the frazzled folds of my brain and slowly applied its calming, uplifting balm...like the scent of lavender... also offering an unexpected new way to deeply and sweetly connect to my fiancé at a crucial time.
Sharing the ten meaty chapters over as many weeks, we both found meaning in the concepts, and specific, nuts and bolts guidance in the tools. A few months later, we are happier, more easeful, more grounded parents and partners because of it. We actually finished the last page in the hospital (yep!—killing time and looking for a good distraction while waiting to be dilated enough for that blessed anesthesiologist to appear!). Reading the epilogue, with its incredibly loving end note (no spoilers! But it’s very beautiful ...), I felt how much I’d grown from these pages. Now grounded in the book’s own conclusion— that there’s no need for perfection, because the bond of LOVE we share REALLY IS enough—I finally felt ENOUGH as a mom, and thus, ready to bring a new baby into the world. Preparing to become a new mom, again, I felt great gratitude to my whole extensive support system fir helping me get to this positive space—which very much includes the authors for this book—so obviously their own latest labor of love.
When the next morning 7 pound Angelica Joy lay blinking big eyes in my arms as my fiancé proudly signed her birth certificate, I glanced at this book. It was perched cheerfully on the nightstand, next to nursing cream, baby wipes, essential oil bottles, diapers, cranberry juice, chapstick, a tea cup, and a phone buzzing intermittently with congratulations from friends and from our own parents. Bless This Mess, indeed...
But, enough about me and my story—let’s break down why YOU might love Bless this Mess:
1)—You Might Like This Book Because of...The Big Sister Factor:
Ever wish you had a few savvy, fun yet wise big sisters? That had their kids 5-10 years before you, have been through and researched it all, to hold your hand and advise you? Well, here you go! Baskette and O’ Donnell’s combined voice is a disarmingly honest one. They’re not afraid to get down and dirty, relating unvarnished accounts of their own worst parenting moments, then explaining the concept (plus the science behind it) that helped them grow past these stumbles. Their conversational, witty yet earnest writing style makes each chapter a comfort—like a warm cuppa’ with that savvy sis— rather than a chore. Delving into our morning reading — cup balanced on my growing belly shelf—I felt nurtured by their words. They guide you and may challenge you, but won’t stress, shame, patronize or scold you— best big sisters ever!
2): You Might Like This Book If... You’re either a recovering (fundamentalist) Christian or a recovering ‘parfectionist,’ or both:
While both raised with some Sunday’s and holidays in the pews, neither my fiancé nor I deem ourselves ‘religious.’ Just mildly ‘spiritual’ in casual, meditate on trees and sunsets, cross fingers and give thanks for good health, non-doctrinal ways. Now, though one co-author, Ellen O’ Donnell, is a doctor of child psychology, the other, Molly Phinney-Baskette, is a Christian pastor. While Baskette’s Northern California congregation could be the most progressive in the nation, still, given that we don’t identify as Christian, my guy and I weren’t sure we’d find much take away from a faith-based parenting book.
How lucky to be wrong we were! These two non-religion-identifiers found so, SO much take away here. So good readers, don’t let any (non-) affiliations stop you
from picking this book up. If you are a Christian, yes, there are gems in these pages for you. But if you’re ‘spiritual but not religious,’ a Buddhist, a pagan, an agnostic, a humanist— or just a human!— I’m here to tell you, there are gems, gems, gems aplenty in these pages, for you. Forget all those labels— find your gems!
Because it turns out, for me, and likely for you too, that the accepting, progressive flavor of faith Baskette speaks from is the most beautiful possible scaffold to support parents towards raising kind, content, loved, and loving kids.
Rather than liking this book despite its Christian references, I found myself appreciating each new twist on a parable or quote I’d written off when I’d stopped attending. Which was healing on a whole additional level. For example, chapter two discusses Proverbs 22:6 about ‘training up a
child in the right way.’ As the authors explain the ‘right way’ is actually best translated similarly to our understanding of to ‘Go with the grain of the wood.’ Since three of my four kiddos have my maiden ‘Wood’ as their last name, my ears perked up at this unexpected mentioning. With relief I understood that I could have best been ‘going with the grain’ of my little Wood kiddos, rather than sanding/painting over it, all this time. And so fun to get that insight from one of the last places I personally would have thought to look, the Bible. Again and again, the authors take what I would have initially felt to be a conservative (‘train up!?!’ a child? Yikes!) sounding scripture, turn it on its head, dust it off, and make it relevant to progressive parenting. Training or parenting ‘in the right way’ they explain, needn’t be some stern, conformist-perfectionist prescription for a model (yet repressed and miserable inside) child. Instead, ‘the right way’ means a way that is sensitive to the unique needs, the unique ‘grain’ of how your child was uniquely created. Since trying to follow mainstream parenting advice— from sleep training a newborn to effective teen surveillance— had always felt wrong as pushing a river, Bless the Mess’s ‘go with the grain’ foundation was a sigh of relief. But enough about me again— if you find you also suffer from a smudge of “parfectionism,” please let the authors’ concepts (like ‘good enough parenting’) aid you in ditching parfectionism in favor of their sane and sustainable new way.
3) You Might Like This Book If....You fear you don’t have time to read a parenting book all the way through...But, you could still use some ‘Sabbath:’
For those parents with the leisure to read a parenting book all the way through on a long weekend with their toes in the sand, more power to you! I’m sure that would be a delight! But for those of us working moms and dads of many, hunting for spare moments in the wee morning hours (or in the bathroom!), this book will still function just fine. You CAN skip, without compunction, to the money, screen time, bullying, or sexuality chapter when that’s what’s urgent for you that week. Since slowly finishing it over two months, I’ve been flipping back and forth, and see myself flip flopping, fish-like, around in these thankfully well-bound pages for several years into the future! So relaxed, toes in the sand parents AND harried, distracted parents, this book’s for YOU!
But even if you’re overwhelmed and harried— or because you are—try this book for five minutes in the morning. A brief ritual. A restful mini ‘Sabbath,’ which, as the authors note in chapter seven, should be a kind of everyday, soul-nurturing rest— and the Ten Commandments are strongly suggest that we take it. So savor a few Bless this Mess pages to fuel you through your parenting day. Even better, share this little sabbath, by reading together with your co-parent/your love. It’s interesting to note that much of the parenting advice herein— loving the unique person; forgiving; tuning into ‘Kairos rather than Chronos’ time, also makes awesome couples’ advice. Before beginning our morning Bless this Mess reads, our ‘couples’ media time was mostly newspaper headlines, Trevor Noah, reading kids chapter books aloud to the kids, and episodes of Democracy Now (aka Depressing Me Now.) So great to share these nurturing, insightful pages together instead of some minutes of wasted MyFace scrolling! So whatever r your beautiful mess, goodreads friend, let it be blessed...by this book! :)
#PRHpartner @CrownPublishing
Age 41, seven months pregnant with the little bean who would be my fourth (but my 52 year old fiancé’s first!) baby. Since he’d recently moved in, we’d been busily working out the kinks of co-parenting my olders, and were now nervously wondering what kind of new parents we’d be, together. I was privately, increasingly stressed by my flagging energy reserves matched against a stubborn streak of parenting perfectionism, which I like to call “parfectionism” for short. While still anxious to be that always-on-it supermom, I could hardly heave my elephantine self upstairs, let alone gracefully juggle the daily parenting complications as my four, eleven, and seventeen year olds each dealt with their distinct stages of growing pain.
Overwhelmed by their shifting needs and questions, I’d been drinking too much coffee, missing sleep to lame parenting blogs and google, snapping at my kids too much, then feeling guilty and insecure about myself as a competent mom.
Enter my own unexpected new blessing, in the form of a grounding morning ritual:
My fiancé and I began discussing a few pages of Bless this Mess: A Modern Guide to Faith and Parenting in a Chairic World over (a lower caffeine type of...) coffee, each day. In the 5-25 minutes before my brood of older kids awoke and the slew of demands began, this book soaked into the frazzled folds of my brain and slowly applied its calming, uplifting balm...like the scent of lavender... also offering an unexpected new way to deeply and sweetly connect to my fiancé at a crucial time.
Sharing the ten meaty chapters over as many weeks, we both found meaning in the concepts, and specific, nuts and bolts guidance in the tools. A few months later, we are happier, more easeful, more grounded parents and partners because of it. We actually finished the last page in the hospital (yep!—killing time and looking for a good distraction while waiting to be dilated enough for that blessed anesthesiologist to appear!). Reading the epilogue, with its incredibly loving end note (no spoilers! But it’s very beautiful ...), I felt how much I’d grown from these pages. Now grounded in the book’s own conclusion— that there’s no need for perfection, because the bond of LOVE we share REALLY IS enough—I finally felt ENOUGH as a mom, and thus, ready to bring a new baby into the world. Preparing to become a new mom, again, I felt great gratitude to my whole extensive support system fir helping me get to this positive space—which very much includes the authors for this book—so obviously their own latest labor of love.
When the next morning 7 pound Angelica Joy lay blinking big eyes in my arms as my fiancé proudly signed her birth certificate, I glanced at this book. It was perched cheerfully on the nightstand, next to nursing cream, baby wipes, essential oil bottles, diapers, cranberry juice, chapstick, a tea cup, and a phone buzzing intermittently with congratulations from friends and from our own parents. Bless This Mess, indeed...
But, enough about me and my story—let’s break down why YOU might love Bless this Mess:
1)—You Might Like This Book Because of...The Big Sister Factor:
Ever wish you had a few savvy, fun yet wise big sisters? That had their kids 5-10 years before you, have been through and researched it all, to hold your hand and advise you? Well, here you go! Baskette and O’ Donnell’s combined voice is a disarmingly honest one. They’re not afraid to get down and dirty, relating unvarnished accounts of their own worst parenting moments, then explaining the concept (plus the science behind it) that helped them grow past these stumbles. Their conversational, witty yet earnest writing style makes each chapter a comfort—like a warm cuppa’ with that savvy sis— rather than a chore. Delving into our morning reading — cup balanced on my growing belly shelf—I felt nurtured by their words. They guide you and may challenge you, but won’t stress, shame, patronize or scold you— best big sisters ever!
2): You Might Like This Book If... You’re either a recovering (fundamentalist) Christian or a recovering ‘parfectionist,’ or both:
While both raised with some Sunday’s and holidays in the pews, neither my fiancé nor I deem ourselves ‘religious.’ Just mildly ‘spiritual’ in casual, meditate on trees and sunsets, cross fingers and give thanks for good health, non-doctrinal ways. Now, though one co-author, Ellen O’ Donnell, is a doctor of child psychology, the other, Molly Phinney-Baskette, is a Christian pastor. While Baskette’s Northern California congregation could be the most progressive in the nation, still, given that we don’t identify as Christian, my guy and I weren’t sure we’d find much take away from a faith-based parenting book.
How lucky to be wrong we were! These two non-religion-identifiers found so, SO much take away here. So good readers, don’t let any (non-) affiliations stop you
from picking this book up. If you are a Christian, yes, there are gems in these pages for you. But if you’re ‘spiritual but not religious,’ a Buddhist, a pagan, an agnostic, a humanist— or just a human!— I’m here to tell you, there are gems, gems, gems aplenty in these pages, for you. Forget all those labels— find your gems!
Because it turns out, for me, and likely for you too, that the accepting, progressive flavor of faith Baskette speaks from is the most beautiful possible scaffold to support parents towards raising kind, content, loved, and loving kids.
Rather than liking this book despite its Christian references, I found myself appreciating each new twist on a parable or quote I’d written off when I’d stopped attending. Which was healing on a whole additional level. For example, chapter two discusses Proverbs 22:6 about ‘training up a
child in the right way.’ As the authors explain the ‘right way’ is actually best translated similarly to our understanding of to ‘Go with the grain of the wood.’ Since three of my four kiddos have my maiden ‘Wood’ as their last name, my ears perked up at this unexpected mentioning. With relief I understood that I could have best been ‘going with the grain’ of my little Wood kiddos, rather than sanding/painting over it, all this time. And so fun to get that insight from one of the last places I personally would have thought to look, the Bible. Again and again, the authors take what I would have initially felt to be a conservative (‘train up!?!’ a child? Yikes!) sounding scripture, turn it on its head, dust it off, and make it relevant to progressive parenting. Training or parenting ‘in the right way’ they explain, needn’t be some stern, conformist-perfectionist prescription for a model (yet repressed and miserable inside) child. Instead, ‘the right way’ means a way that is sensitive to the unique needs, the unique ‘grain’ of how your child was uniquely created. Since trying to follow mainstream parenting advice— from sleep training a newborn to effective teen surveillance— had always felt wrong as pushing a river, Bless the Mess’s ‘go with the grain’ foundation was a sigh of relief. But enough about me again— if you find you also suffer from a smudge of “parfectionism,” please let the authors’ concepts (like ‘good enough parenting’) aid you in ditching parfectionism in favor of their sane and sustainable new way.
3) You Might Like This Book If....You fear you don’t have time to read a parenting book all the way through...But, you could still use some ‘Sabbath:’
For those parents with the leisure to read a parenting book all the way through on a long weekend with their toes in the sand, more power to you! I’m sure that would be a delight! But for those of us working moms and dads of many, hunting for spare moments in the wee morning hours (or in the bathroom!), this book will still function just fine. You CAN skip, without compunction, to the money, screen time, bullying, or sexuality chapter when that’s what’s urgent for you that week. Since slowly finishing it over two months, I’ve been flipping back and forth, and see myself flip flopping, fish-like, around in these thankfully well-bound pages for several years into the future! So relaxed, toes in the sand parents AND harried, distracted parents, this book’s for YOU!
But even if you’re overwhelmed and harried— or because you are—try this book for five minutes in the morning. A brief ritual. A restful mini ‘Sabbath,’ which, as the authors note in chapter seven, should be a kind of everyday, soul-nurturing rest— and the Ten Commandments are strongly suggest that we take it. So savor a few Bless this Mess pages to fuel you through your parenting day. Even better, share this little sabbath, by reading together with your co-parent/your love. It’s interesting to note that much of the parenting advice herein— loving the unique person; forgiving; tuning into ‘Kairos rather than Chronos’ time, also makes awesome couples’ advice. Before beginning our morning Bless this Mess reads, our ‘couples’ media time was mostly newspaper headlines, Trevor Noah, reading kids chapter books aloud to the kids, and episodes of Democracy Now (aka Depressing Me Now.) So great to share these nurturing, insightful pages together instead of some minutes of wasted MyFace scrolling! So whatever r your beautiful mess, goodreads friend, let it be blessed...by this book! :)
#PRHpartner @CrownPublishing
September 24, 2019
The authors present a faith based guide for bringing up and teaching children. It is based on Protestant Christian principles. The authors give examples of their experiences and present some religious material. This was a free review copy obtained via Goodreads.com.
June 25, 2019
I’m still in the process of reading, but what I have read so far is great. It makes a lot of sense. As a mother of 3 younger kids, I wonder sometimes if I’m doing this ‘parenting’ thing right. I appreciate that there are books like this one that confirm that I am, in fact, doing something ‘right’. I skipped to the Epilogue and one of the many sentences that stood out was this: ‘...your primary task as a parent: to get to know and live your children as God dies, with all their beauty, flaws, and imperfections.’ Through the mess, we are blessed. #blessthismess #PRHpartner
July 18, 2020
Wow. This book was so good! Might seem a little strange for me a single childless person to read this parenting book. But I heard a sermon recently that told a story from this book. The story I heard convinced me to download it on Audible. I loved listening to Rev. Molly Baskette’s and Dr. Ellen O’Donnell’s calming voices. The authors regularly alternate reading throughout which was enjoyable. I’m about to begin as an associate pastor and I thought this book could help me think about what it means to be a progressive Christian parent. Bless this Mess is full of creative and practical ideas for raising children in faith. I highly recommend this book for parents, young and old, and those who care for children in any capacity.
July 25, 2019
It has been such a gift to dig into this book — the combination of grounded progressive theology AND grounded psychological/developmental theory is incredible. Molly and Ellen offer hilarious, real, heart-rending, vulnerable, and just plain wise stories from their own adventures in parenting, all the while giving a running commentary of other ways they might have tackled the same situation. I think it's a rare thing that a book can be both balm, reassuring me that my "good enough" parenting probably is just that, while also giving me practical wisdom and a really motivating vision for how I can keep growing as a parent. This book makes me want to pull the ways I parent into deeper alignment with my faith, and then it gives me the tools to do so. So good!
July 26, 2019
This book is truly one of the best parenting books I have read. The personal stories from each author make everything much more relatable. I found myself highlighting and underlining sections that I would love my spouse to read as well. I also would love to go back and re-read my highlighted parts again as a check-in throughout the year. Similar to how a car gets an 0il change, I find myself needing to refresh and reboot my parenting every now and again. I enjoyed the humor and tone of the authors very much as well as their truth telling. Bravo!
July 23, 2019
Rev. Molly Baskette and Dr. Ellen O’Donnell have written a unique and much needed book! The authors have skillfully woven their two wise perspectives into an accessible, substantive and conversational guide to more intentional, loving and hopeful parenting. The concept of “The Holy Trinity of Parenting” has really stuck with me and just might help me be more thoughtful and intentional in all my relationships. I enjoyed how each chapter wraps up with a section on how-to- apply this information for various aged children, a big idea summary and a prayer. I found this format a great way to learn and integrate the concepts presented. Just wish I could have read this about ten years ago! But so grateful to have it’s guidance in hand for the rest of this messy parenting journey.
October 14, 2022
There's a lot I have to sit with here. Very different then the conservative upbringing I had and the conservative Catholicism I adopted.
October 14, 2023
Great book, but I wound up skimming the second half. I would like to come back to it when my children are in later elementary/middle school.
October 6, 2022
It’s really a 3.5 but couldn’t quite give it a 4. I like what they try to do intertwining psychology with spirituality but it just gets a bit over-the-top with the religious stuff at times which I found hard to stomach. Plenty to take from it all the same.
November 25, 2024
The title put me off of this book, but it was great with lots of practical advice.
July 20, 2019
I finished the book last night. The honesty of the authors is refreshing and reassuring . It is a wonderful resource. I find it a guide less about what to do but more about how to be. How to be your own person and have parenting be a part of that person. In doing so is the way in which you can be the parent your child needs. Such a great read!!!
October 26, 2019
Received this as a giveaway. I was very impressed! This is the parenting book I didn’t know I needed! Bless this Mess offers a healthy mix of theology, Bible study, psychology, personal narrative, and helpful practical advice. I couldn't be more grateful to have this resoutvr. Both writers were very well educated in their respective fields & obviously so! Thanks again!
August 7, 2019
I've read a lot of parenting books in the last year and a half, and I also consider myself to be a religious person and (occasional, at least) churchgoer, but I had never even *thought* about reading a book connecting my faith to my parenting.
Even more of a revelation for me, and what makes 'Bless this Mess' so exciting and useful, is that none of those other books I've read – 'The Whole Brain Child,' 'Happiest Toddler on the Block', 'How to Talk So Kids...' etc – directly addressed the moral or spiritual life of my child, myself, or our family.
Now that I see it, it feels like a shocking oversight – and makes Molly and Ellen's book one for the nightstand or cookbook shelf, or some other place where I can get it down for practical advice both on dealing with everyday parenting struggles, bigger conversations, and creating everyday routines to ground our family morally, spiritually, and in our own little rhythms. What's great about having a pastor and child psychologist write something together is that the science and faith inform and strengthen each other on each line.
A few examples: in chapter 3, which lays out new ways of thinking and talking about goodness and badness (which felt eye-opening for *me*), the authors lay out a practical, research-based method for helping kids through tough decisions, applying a method called "cognitive restructuring," which sounds like exactly the kind of thing I'd expect to read in one of those other big books, but had never encountered before: it's summed up in the acronym SOLVE:
1. Select a specific problem that needs to be addressed. 2. Options: Brainstorm as many solutions to the problem as possible, without evaluating or judging them at all. 3. Likely outcome: once all the options are laid out, evaluate what's most likely to happen if you choose each one. The point is to see that there is no perfect option. 4. Very Best One: Choose the best of the imperfect options and try it out. 5. Evaluate: Debrief afterwards. How did it go? Was the problem solved, did things work out?
Chapter 7 is about sabbath, but the subtitle is more accurate: how to make every day holy. I normally sit with a decent amount of guilt that we don't sit down to dinner with the German-train-like consistency that I grew up with. But this chapter is overflowing with small little practical things to make the most of the time we *do* have (plus judgment-free acceptance and affirmation that we don't always get it right). Ideas include models for prayer with children: the three part "Help, Thanks, Wow," or the easy-to-remember ten-word, device-free family meals with child-led grace, and beautiful inspiration to family-based secular forms for breaking bread together with neighbors or extended family.
I could go on, but you get the idea. This book is now dog-eared and highlighted, and I'll be peeking in it while balancing the toddler on my other arm for months to come. More importantly, and longer-lasting, Molly and Ellen have helped me find the confidence, shared tools, and inspired me to be part of actively and consciously shaping the spiritual, moral, and religious of my child and our family in a progressive, just, and loving way. I couldn't be more grateful to have this resource!
Even more of a revelation for me, and what makes 'Bless this Mess' so exciting and useful, is that none of those other books I've read – 'The Whole Brain Child,' 'Happiest Toddler on the Block', 'How to Talk So Kids...' etc – directly addressed the moral or spiritual life of my child, myself, or our family.
Now that I see it, it feels like a shocking oversight – and makes Molly and Ellen's book one for the nightstand or cookbook shelf, or some other place where I can get it down for practical advice both on dealing with everyday parenting struggles, bigger conversations, and creating everyday routines to ground our family morally, spiritually, and in our own little rhythms. What's great about having a pastor and child psychologist write something together is that the science and faith inform and strengthen each other on each line.
A few examples: in chapter 3, which lays out new ways of thinking and talking about goodness and badness (which felt eye-opening for *me*), the authors lay out a practical, research-based method for helping kids through tough decisions, applying a method called "cognitive restructuring," which sounds like exactly the kind of thing I'd expect to read in one of those other big books, but had never encountered before: it's summed up in the acronym SOLVE:
1. Select a specific problem that needs to be addressed. 2. Options: Brainstorm as many solutions to the problem as possible, without evaluating or judging them at all. 3. Likely outcome: once all the options are laid out, evaluate what's most likely to happen if you choose each one. The point is to see that there is no perfect option. 4. Very Best One: Choose the best of the imperfect options and try it out. 5. Evaluate: Debrief afterwards. How did it go? Was the problem solved, did things work out?
Chapter 7 is about sabbath, but the subtitle is more accurate: how to make every day holy. I normally sit with a decent amount of guilt that we don't sit down to dinner with the German-train-like consistency that I grew up with. But this chapter is overflowing with small little practical things to make the most of the time we *do* have (plus judgment-free acceptance and affirmation that we don't always get it right). Ideas include models for prayer with children: the three part "Help, Thanks, Wow," or the easy-to-remember ten-word, device-free family meals with child-led grace, and beautiful inspiration to family-based secular forms for breaking bread together with neighbors or extended family.
I could go on, but you get the idea. This book is now dog-eared and highlighted, and I'll be peeking in it while balancing the toddler on my other arm for months to come. More importantly, and longer-lasting, Molly and Ellen have helped me find the confidence, shared tools, and inspired me to be part of actively and consciously shaping the spiritual, moral, and religious of my child and our family in a progressive, just, and loving way. I couldn't be more grateful to have this resource!
August 20, 2019
I read this book in the days before I had my second child and my first toddled about. Admittedly, I’m finding it hard to find words for this book because it speaks to raising children older than my own.
The focus begins with preschool children which is even now a bit beyond my tiny humans, but that’s careful words articulate the type of parent I hope to be when my kids are old enough. I hope I’ll be as compassionate, patient and curious with my kids as they become who God created them to be. I so wish this book had been around 10 years ago when parents were asking me (their pastor) for resources on faithful parenting. It’s everything I wish I’d known to say in one little book. It’d be a great gift for baptisms, baby showers or a parent trying to answer big questions with their kid.
The focus begins with preschool children which is even now a bit beyond my tiny humans, but that’s careful words articulate the type of parent I hope to be when my kids are old enough. I hope I’ll be as compassionate, patient and curious with my kids as they become who God created them to be. I so wish this book had been around 10 years ago when parents were asking me (their pastor) for resources on faithful parenting. It’s everything I wish I’d known to say in one little book. It’d be a great gift for baptisms, baby showers or a parent trying to answer big questions with their kid.
August 7, 2019
I was raised Catholic, spending kindergarten through college at Catholic Schools. Ultimately, through studying the bible as a literary work at my Jesuit college my atheism blossomed and has stood firm for the past 20 years. At times I have been curious whether I might have landed at a different place in terms of religion if I had instead been raised in a progressive Christian environment as there were so many reasons to reject the Church I was raised in (treatment of women and LGBT people, for starters). It is with this lens that I came to read Bless this Mess. Ultimately, I found the science to be sound and the layering of religion interesting, in an outsider-looking-in way. It didn't convince me to reconsider my atheism but perhaps it helps some people to consider progressive parenting if they believe it is consistent with the bible and/or their religion. If, like me, the religious threads throughout the book do not resonate or feel meaningful to you, search for the science-based passages -- bite-sized appetizers of child psychology that are quite relevant for most families.
January 4, 2020
The best part of this book was that it gave me the sense of community with other parents that I have been so desperately craving and seeking ever since my son was born over two years ago. I read it as part of a parenting group at my church that met for 45 minutes every week to discuss the latest chapter, and I don't know if I would have gotten as much out of the book without that sense of community surrounding it.
It was the perfect atmosphere for such a book, though -- parents need the chance to discuss their struggles with one another, and the book touches often on the importance of community in parenting. How lovely, then, that the book itself became just the vehicle for fostering that kind of community.
If I separate the book itself from the positive experience I had reading it, it still holds up as a four-star book. It is well-written and also organized well by topic so that it's easy to find the chapter most relevant to whatever parenting challenge you might currently be facing. Within each chapter are suggestions for addressing that issue based on the age of your child.
I loved that this was a faith-based book that relied just as heavily on parenting research (if not more heavily) as it did on scripture. These authors were speaking my language when it comes to parenting best practices and making sense of the most challenging and spiritually demanding undertaking I have ever attempted. While some of the advice felt a little too loose or non-specific, other nuggets are lodged in my brain to be returned to again and again. Now I am torn between passing this book on so that other parents can reap its benefits or hoarding it so I can return to it again and again over the years of parenting that lie ahead.
It was the perfect atmosphere for such a book, though -- parents need the chance to discuss their struggles with one another, and the book touches often on the importance of community in parenting. How lovely, then, that the book itself became just the vehicle for fostering that kind of community.
If I separate the book itself from the positive experience I had reading it, it still holds up as a four-star book. It is well-written and also organized well by topic so that it's easy to find the chapter most relevant to whatever parenting challenge you might currently be facing. Within each chapter are suggestions for addressing that issue based on the age of your child.
I loved that this was a faith-based book that relied just as heavily on parenting research (if not more heavily) as it did on scripture. These authors were speaking my language when it comes to parenting best practices and making sense of the most challenging and spiritually demanding undertaking I have ever attempted. While some of the advice felt a little too loose or non-specific, other nuggets are lodged in my brain to be returned to again and again. Now I am torn between passing this book on so that other parents can reap its benefits or hoarding it so I can return to it again and again over the years of parenting that lie ahead.
July 29, 2019
As a parent of two young children, this book is a dream come true! It's practical, honest, witty, and faithful. After a morning where my 6-year old son was begging for more screen time and my 2-year old daughter's kept yelling, "pee" as part of the early stages of potty training, I opened "Bless this Mess" to find some hope, some relief, and some insight....and I was not disappointed! This is my new go-to parenting book. Some days, I need the practical wisdom and others, I need the the pastoral insight and the prayers.
Additionally, as a pastor, parents often ask me how to talk to their children about money, sex, sibling rivalry, and anxiety from a faith perspective. "Bless this Mess" addresses all of those issues with excellent modern-day psychology research and progressive theology. I plan use this book for study and discussion with other young parents in my congregation. It will also make an excellent gift for baptisms!
Additionally, as a pastor, parents often ask me how to talk to their children about money, sex, sibling rivalry, and anxiety from a faith perspective. "Bless this Mess" addresses all of those issues with excellent modern-day psychology research and progressive theology. I plan use this book for study and discussion with other young parents in my congregation. It will also make an excellent gift for baptisms!
March 4, 2020
For many times I wanted to go through a book on Parenting, and went through this one which is devoted on parenting from Christianity point of view.
There’s no reason to think that Christian parenting and progressive parenting can’t go hand-in-hand – on the contrary! You can make use of the Bible to help your children tackle social injustice, learn how to give generously, and live in a way that is safe, independent, and spiritually rewarding. That's what this book is all about.
Now, this should be complemented with another book on similar issues on Parenting from secular point of view by Esther Wojcicki, an educator and award-winning journalist known as the "Godmother of Silicon Valley," is How to Raise Successful People. This book is next target of my would-be-read on the art of parenting.
There’s no reason to think that Christian parenting and progressive parenting can’t go hand-in-hand – on the contrary! You can make use of the Bible to help your children tackle social injustice, learn how to give generously, and live in a way that is safe, independent, and spiritually rewarding. That's what this book is all about.
Now, this should be complemented with another book on similar issues on Parenting from secular point of view by Esther Wojcicki, an educator and award-winning journalist known as the "Godmother of Silicon Valley," is How to Raise Successful People. This book is next target of my would-be-read on the art of parenting.
July 23, 2023
One of the best parenting books I've read. I really got so much out of this. Yes, it took me nearly a year to read but that was because my book club was reading it one chapter a month. It was actually really nice to read it that slowly and digest each chapter before moving on. And I'm happy that that pace pushed me to purchase the book so that I have it to come back to when I need reminding. Just great advice and examples for raising kids in the modern world with progressive faith and values. Co-written by a therapist and a pastor, there was just so much to connect to. Each chapter comes with examples for parenting specific situations in kids of each age group. And it's filled with the authors' own mistakes and parenting mis-steps, so it never feels impossible to follow. Definitely recommend for parents with kids of any age.
March 4, 2020
“There’s no reason to think that Christian parenting and progressive parenting can’t go hand-in-hand – on the contrary! We can make use of the Bible to help our children tackle social injustice, learn how to give generously, and live in a way that is safe, independent, and spiritually rewarding.
Actionable advice:
If your child does something kind, point it out, and tie their actions to their personality.
This makes them more likely to identify with the trait you ascribe to them, and to repeat actions of the same sort in the future. For example, if your daughter shares her chocolate with a younger brother, you could say, “Well done, that was very kind of you, and you made your brother very happy. You’re a very considerate girl.””
Actionable advice:
If your child does something kind, point it out, and tie their actions to their personality.
This makes them more likely to identify with the trait you ascribe to them, and to repeat actions of the same sort in the future. For example, if your daughter shares her chocolate with a younger brother, you could say, “Well done, that was very kind of you, and you made your brother very happy. You’re a very considerate girl.””
January 1, 2021
Solid parenting book, especially for those who affiliate in some way with the terms "progressive" and "Christian". The authors, a pastor and a psychologist, bring their specialties together to cover a wide range of topics. They offer practical ways to apply their principles and point to alternate resources if a reader wanted more information on a specific topic.
"We took you on a journey through this book to impress upon you your primary task as a parent: to get to know and love your children as God does, with all their beauty, flaws, and imperfections....the journey, and the spiritual practices it teaches us, can help us get to grace a little bit faster when it doesn't come naturally, or when circumstances conspire to make us angry or anguished." (p. 295)
"We took you on a journey through this book to impress upon you your primary task as a parent: to get to know and love your children as God does, with all their beauty, flaws, and imperfections....the journey, and the spiritual practices it teaches us, can help us get to grace a little bit faster when it doesn't come naturally, or when circumstances conspire to make us angry or anguished." (p. 295)
January 19, 2021
This book is borne out of an intersection of psychology and faith. I have underlined many many passages and will undoubtedly returned to this book throughout many stages.
So much faith based parenting advice sounds more like methods for 'training the sin out of your kids' which is foolishness. This book is full of practical parenting wisdom, grounded is psychology and scripture. It talks about combating and coping with worry. And it reminds us over and over again of the motherly and nurturing God who loves our kids more than we do.
It's definitely progressive. Many people in my circles would be very uncomfortable with the feminine pronouns being used for God. But im very grateful. Its the only parenting resource I've read thus far that I'd plan to pass on.
So much faith based parenting advice sounds more like methods for 'training the sin out of your kids' which is foolishness. This book is full of practical parenting wisdom, grounded is psychology and scripture. It talks about combating and coping with worry. And it reminds us over and over again of the motherly and nurturing God who loves our kids more than we do.
It's definitely progressive. Many people in my circles would be very uncomfortable with the feminine pronouns being used for God. But im very grateful. Its the only parenting resource I've read thus far that I'd plan to pass on.
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