Widower to Widower: Surviving the End of Your Most Important Relationship

by Fred Colby

Revised Edition:
After losing your life partner, there are moments, many of them in fact, when you may doubt your very sanity. For most of us, that triggers the “flight or fight” reaction. If you fight (confront) it, your chances of coming through this intact are much improved. If you try to run away from it, you may only be delaying the inevitable grieving process.

The greatest fear I had during the earliest stages of my grief was that I was going crazy, was losing all control over my thoughts, and that I might make decisions harming me, my family and my friends. That included suicidal thoughts. This scared the hell out of me and I became desperate to find answers, so I could avoid making bad life choices. I quickly found those answers would be hard to find, and that resources for widowers were minimal and often of dubious value.

This book is my response to frustration I experienced during this search. I have done my best to compile the most vital information I could find on the widower experience into this one book, so the reader does not have to search as many sources for answers as I had to do. I also wanted to include many of the critical issues that you will not find addressed in other publications. What I wrote here can often be raw and brutal at times, much like the grieving process itself.

I spoke with other widowers to confirm that mine was not a unique journey but was in fact similar in many respects to their journey as well. The entry into grief is intense and harsh, and I could not see how I could write this book without being totally honest about the experience.

I am the expert only on my own experience. It is important to note that each widower’s experience is unique. There will be common threads and shared experiences, but each must find their own path. We must learn from each other, to realize that we are not going crazy, and to know that we can survive this experience.

190 pages, Kindle Edition

Published April 15, 2018

About the author

Losing my wife of 45 years inspired me to write "Widower to Widower," to help others to survive this gut wrenching experience. The death of my father and step-father at a young age did not prepare me for the pain and emotional turmoil I experienced when my wife, Theresa, died in 2015 after a yearlong bout with uterine cancer.

I was encouraged by therapists and fellow widowers to put my grief journey into words to help myself and others going through the same situation. "Widower to Widower" is built around a series of blogs I wrote during the first year after my wife's passing. Extensive research, lessons learned, discussions with grief counselors, and conversations with many fellow widowers (often while facilitating a Men's Grief Group I helped to found) helped me to create a unique approach to writing about the challenges facing widowers in their first year of grieving.

My prior writing experience includes newsletters, articles, grant applications, and materials written for community members, government, and nonprofit organizations.

Reviews

[Karen B. · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a widow who started dating a widower, I found Fred Colby’s book to be helpful. Reading it, I better understood what my friend was going through, and how his grieving experience was different from my own. Widower to Widower, is an excellent source of information about the phases of grief that a man might encounter after losing his spouse. His story of his wife’s passing is the setting for the first half of the book, along with the struggles and emotions of those left behind. Mr. Colby delves into his own grief through blogs written during that time, and gives you an inside look at what grief can do to a person and ideas how to confront those feelings. The latter part of the book is devoted to segments of information and advice on where to get help for your grief, dealing with loneliness, getting through holidays and anniversaries, and getting back on your feet and redefining your life. If you or someone you know is struggling with these issues, this book is a must read.

[Graham · Rating 3 out of 5]

A book of two halves, this one. The first half is particularly engaging and comforting for those of us unfortunate enough to find ourselves recently bereaved. We realise that everyone around the world feels the same sensations of guilt, responsibility, loss and overwhelming sadness no matter the circumstances surrounding our loss. The listing of the physical and mental symptoms of grief is also useful to see written down. Colby writes in a friendly, conversational style and one that's effortless to read. My only complaint is that there are far too many random blog entries attached to every chapter and instalment, so much so that their inclusion feels like padding. The second half of the book lost me, going as it does into great detail about sex and dating. I have no interest in this stuff and felt like it belonged in another book, at least when present in this much detail.

[Samuel · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a useful book to read; he raised many good points with which I could identify. It consoled me that my experience has not been unusual.

It's very rooted in the author's own experience, parts of which were also very foreign to me.

I could have done with somewhat less emphasis/reprinting his Caring Bridge posts from along the way. A few might have been helpful, but some felt like filler.

[David Eckert · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good in sharing his personal details & many resource references. Good to see his wife honored. Very detailed on dating as a widower, but that social scene is not my own objective.

[Ward Walker · Rating 5 out of 5]

A helpful look at being a widower from another

As a widower, especially during the social blackout of Covid, I have been looking for others perspectives to help me work through my situation. I found a lot of helpful parallels in this book, and hope to make use of some of his tips for areas where I haven’t walked yet.

[Charles · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful for men who have lost their wives.