Wat een heftig boek om te lezen als je zelf worstelt met ziek zijn, met een vage klachten, zoals ik nu. Ik heb heel veel quotes opgeslagen, want Marcus Sedgwick weet goed te omschrijven hoe dat voelt. Toch heb ik heel lang gewacht met het schrijven van een recensie, want wat zeg je over een boek dat aan de ene kant beter kan omschrijven wat je voelt dan je zelf kan, maar aan de andere kant zo weinig verhaallijn heeft, zo weinig plot, zo'n onbevredigend einde....Twee maanden later weet ik het nog steeds niet. Wil je lezen over hoe het is als je leven plotseling stil komt te staan, op een originele manier, in een vervreemdende setting? Of over hoe het leven na er uit kan gaan zien als de klimaatverandering doorzet? Dan is dit echt wel een uniek boek. Sta je wat verder van dit onderwerp af, en wil je een plot-driven boek? Dan even verder zoeken.
'Undiagnosis"
'No one wants to be sick, Snowflake. No one. Don't let anyone ever tell different.' (46)
'You know, Ash,' she said, 'never mind a straw. It only takes a snowflake to show which way the wind is blowing,' and never had I felt lighter and lonelier in my whole life than sitting on that porch in the darkness with the whole dang desert in front of me than when I realized that both my names, my real name and my nickname, meant almost nothing. Nothing but something light, something so light and so fragile as to almost not exist. (64)
'And when I looked at the photos, somehow I knew they belonged to a different life, and a different world, and I knew that something had changed'. (99)
'Like I said, I couldn't believe a doctor could be like that. Just tell you you're crazy, and the more you try to tell her you ain't crazy, the more she purses her lips and the higher her eyebrows raise and the more she stabs her fingers on her computer keyboard, right in front of you.
I felt I must've missed something. I know I was missing a lot right then, because a) I couldn't think straight and b) I was in shock, like I said. Something felt different. But I kept thinking, well, I'll be better in a day or two. And then I made that a week. And then the weeks started to go by and started to become months, and they didn't care whether I was better or not, and I wasn't. (113)
'Other folks got problems too, Ash' (119)
When I wasn't staring, and I wasn't moaning, I was frowning, and trying to figure stuff out. The fact that Dr. B had told me that this was all in my head? Well, I could not get that out of my head. And I would say that out loud sometimes, and Mona would say, yeah, but what does that even mean?
'All in your head,' she said. 'All in your mind. What does that mean? Because it's all in your mind, it's not real? Even if it is all in your mind, you're still suffering the same. And one day, doctors are gonna finally realize that there ain't no god-dang difference between the body and the mind anyhow. There ain't no mind without a body, right? And without a mind, a body is nothing. Right again?' (119)
'What it says is that at the level of our genes, they want to survive, and they'll do anything to make that happen. But here's the thing: in order to survive the best, it turns out that the selfish little gene worked out that the best way to survive isn't to be selfish at all. It's to cooperate.'
And Mona said, 'Crazy, huh? What the book says is that being kind to each other was invented by genes acting selfishly.'
'Ain't that kinda depressing?'
'I don't think so. I think if even Selfish decided that Kind was better, well, that says a lot about the power of Kind, don't it? ' (238)
'What do you learn from health? Nothing, that's what you learn. You stay in your smug little world where you can stand for more'n three minutes and never even have to think about it. But make a body sick and, boy, does life get interesting quick. And when I say interesting, I do mean it. Though I also mean it's a real pain in the ass.' (247)
And what had I learned?
A lot, too much. Not enough. But I had learned about getting sick and I had started to learn about dealing with that. I had learned that those folks who think that you can just 'pull yourself together' and those folks who think 'it's all in your head' and those folks who think that getting sick is for weak-minded people who don't wanna be well, heck, they all have no darned clue what they're talking about.
In the fight between the body and the mind, I had learned this: the body wins, always. Just think about Bly. And those fine folks who teach that the body should obey the mind have got a surprise coming for 'em, sooner or later, even if that's on the day they meet their Maker.
But I had also learned this: that the body and the mind are interconnected, for sure. And I know this sounds weird, but it's only when one of 'em breaks down that you realize they are two separate things.
Up until then, I mean the day I arrived in Snowflake, in my eager little scouting through the world's adventures, it had never occurred to me to feel there was any difference between my mind and my body. They was both just ME. And then my body broke down, and yet my mind kept on running, so for the first time I could see they was separate things. And yet interconnected. You cannot have the one without the other. That's the funny part. And it was sickness that made me see both how separated and how connected they are. At one and the same time. And I was thinking, god-darn it, life is truly weird and confusing too, at times. And I started to think that the old-time folks in Stephanie's PhD was right. Only when things go wrong do you learn anything. (255)