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People Fuel: Fill Your Tank for Life, Love, and Leadership
People Fuel outlines the twenty-two relational nutrients we all need to cultivate good relationships that provide energy, focus, and the support to be all you were meant to be.
Just as good nutrition is necessary for a healthy body and physical energy, so the right kinds of relationships are critical to living a successful and confident life. If we don't take enough iron, we can develop anemia. Too little calcium leads to bone disease. In the same way, we need the twenty-two relational nutrients essential to a healthy, energized, and productive life.
In People Fuel, Dr. John Townsend--psychologist, leadership consultant, and coauthor of the New York Times bestselling Boundaries--shows you how truly good relationships give you energy, focus, and the support you need to succeed. Through stories and clear applications, Dr. Townsend shows you how
Identify the types of people who can be either energy gains or energy drainsReceive from relationships the help and support that God intendedCreate higher-quality connections with your family, friends, and coworkersBoost your productivity and creativity at workBuild your essential Life TeamAs we learn to tap into these vital nutrients from quality relationships, we will experience more energy, positivity, focus, and the exponential growth to become the confident people God created us to be.
People Fuel is also available in Spanish, Gente que Sume.
Just as good nutrition is necessary for a healthy body and physical energy, so the right kinds of relationships are critical to living a successful and confident life. If we don't take enough iron, we can develop anemia. Too little calcium leads to bone disease. In the same way, we need the twenty-two relational nutrients essential to a healthy, energized, and productive life.
In People Fuel, Dr. John Townsend--psychologist, leadership consultant, and coauthor of the New York Times bestselling Boundaries--shows you how truly good relationships give you energy, focus, and the support you need to succeed. Through stories and clear applications, Dr. Townsend shows you how
Identify the types of people who can be either energy gains or energy drainsReceive from relationships the help and support that God intendedCreate higher-quality connections with your family, friends, and coworkersBoost your productivity and creativity at workBuild your essential Life TeamAs we learn to tap into these vital nutrients from quality relationships, we will experience more energy, positivity, focus, and the exponential growth to become the confident people God created us to be.
People Fuel is also available in Spanish, Gente que Sume.
224 pages, Kindle Edition
Published June 25, 2019
241 people are currently reading
1076 people want to read
About the author
John Townsend
472 books257 followersLibrarian Note: There is more than one author in the Goodreads database with this name.
Dr. John Townsend is a psychologist, popular speaker, co-host of the nationally broadcast New Life Live! radio program, and a cofounder of the Cloud-Townsend Clinic and Cloud-Townsend Resources. He has written or co-written twenty-seven books, including the bestselling Boundaries, Safe People, and Hiding from Love. He and his wife, Barbi, live in southern California. They have two grown sons.
Dr. John Townsend is a psychologist, popular speaker, co-host of the nationally broadcast New Life Live! radio program, and a cofounder of the Cloud-Townsend Clinic and Cloud-Townsend Resources. He has written or co-written twenty-seven books, including the bestselling Boundaries, Safe People, and Hiding from Love. He and his wife, Barbi, live in southern California. They have two grown sons.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 64 reviews
May 10, 2022
This book was helpful in giving me words to express what I experience, do, and need -- both to myself and to others. Getting to read this with a group of women in leadership, I found it interesting to see how we each were able to engage with the content differently.
For me, personally, (which was not the experience of all of the other ladies), this felt like it gave me two things:
1. Affirmation in the ways I relate to people and that it is an effective way to lead. I don't feel like I relate to most leaders in personality and this encouraged me.
2. Helped me identify my relational needs both personally and professionally. I enjoyed getting to easily apply the things that I read. Not that it was easy, but it was tangible and applicable to me without having to dig too far.
The first few chapters almost made me not want to keep at it because they seemed basic, as well as I had some theological concerns. But keep reading, because it is very practical and helpful.
The style is also easy to read and didn't require a ton of mental energy for me to engage with.
For me, personally, (which was not the experience of all of the other ladies), this felt like it gave me two things:
1. Affirmation in the ways I relate to people and that it is an effective way to lead. I don't feel like I relate to most leaders in personality and this encouraged me.
2. Helped me identify my relational needs both personally and professionally. I enjoyed getting to easily apply the things that I read. Not that it was easy, but it was tangible and applicable to me without having to dig too far.
The first few chapters almost made me not want to keep at it because they seemed basic, as well as I had some theological concerns. But keep reading, because it is very practical and helpful.
The style is also easy to read and didn't require a ton of mental energy for me to engage with.
February 23, 2024
People Fuel was an excellent book on cultivating relationships that empower, energize and refine us into better people. It is written with Christian views and morals however would be highly applicable to someone who may not hold similar views. It is also a very manageable read as I am not a huge reader but stayed engaged the entire time.
Townsend Opens and closes the book with a point that rang very true in my heart, and that I think many of us need to hear, “We need to need”. Highlighting the aspect of most people’s relational deficiency, sets up his explanation on the twenty-two Relational Nutrients he spends most of his time on.
These relational nutrients are sectioned into four quadrants: Be Present, Convey The Good, Provide Reality and Call to Action. He breaks down in great detail how each nutrient can provide unique and effective communication or connection with others. What was even more fascinating was his insight on the timing each quadrant of nutrients can appropriately be used to create a safe and supportive relationship. One example of a nutrient that was particularly meaningful to me was Containment in the Be Present quadrant. He explains containment as essential venting; he shares that everyone needs to have someone they can contain with as well as be in a healthy space to have others contain in them. There is no goal or need to provide any solutions, try to relate and encourage in these situations. Townsend states that simply being able to vocalize hurt or frustration with someone can cut the burden in nearly half. This is something I do not do virtually at all, so it was challenging to hear!
The encouraging part about the twenty-two relational nutrients is that Townsend communicates them in a very practical and relatable way. To nearly every aspect of life. He speaks heavily to the professional work space and the marriage space, though he highlights uses in friendships, families and more as well. Some books encouraging development or change offer ideas that are great in theory but difficult to put into practice. Townsend shares these in a way that are easily digestible to the reader and intuitive to envision implementing. This section truly left me reflecting and evaluating how I communicate with my wife, coworkers, friends and ave parents. But of course, it also got me thinking about whether or not I have people in my life offering these sorts of nutrients back to me; which led perfectly into part 3 on surrounding yourself with the right people.
In part 3 Townsend describes seven different types of people and how we should be interacting with them. The first five types are positive, functional relationships we should strive two have. The final two are toxic relationships we need to be able to recognize and protect ourselves from. One major relationship he describes is the Comrade, which are the people we should primarily be doing life with. He encourages forming what he calls a “Life Team” out of this group of people, which act as a vehicle of life accountability, encouragement and challenge. This section was very insightful and I plan on implementing what he recommends here. Ultimately this whole section was key in helping me reflect on the state and quality of my current relationships. I was able to see major deficiencies in relational nutrients due to the people I have around me.
Townsend continues to caveat throughout the book and especially in this final section, how people were created to be in community and fellowship. A major avenue for Gods love and teaching comes through other people around us. I really appreciate the wisdom shared throughout this book.
Townsend Opens and closes the book with a point that rang very true in my heart, and that I think many of us need to hear, “We need to need”. Highlighting the aspect of most people’s relational deficiency, sets up his explanation on the twenty-two Relational Nutrients he spends most of his time on.
These relational nutrients are sectioned into four quadrants: Be Present, Convey The Good, Provide Reality and Call to Action. He breaks down in great detail how each nutrient can provide unique and effective communication or connection with others. What was even more fascinating was his insight on the timing each quadrant of nutrients can appropriately be used to create a safe and supportive relationship. One example of a nutrient that was particularly meaningful to me was Containment in the Be Present quadrant. He explains containment as essential venting; he shares that everyone needs to have someone they can contain with as well as be in a healthy space to have others contain in them. There is no goal or need to provide any solutions, try to relate and encourage in these situations. Townsend states that simply being able to vocalize hurt or frustration with someone can cut the burden in nearly half. This is something I do not do virtually at all, so it was challenging to hear!
The encouraging part about the twenty-two relational nutrients is that Townsend communicates them in a very practical and relatable way. To nearly every aspect of life. He speaks heavily to the professional work space and the marriage space, though he highlights uses in friendships, families and more as well. Some books encouraging development or change offer ideas that are great in theory but difficult to put into practice. Townsend shares these in a way that are easily digestible to the reader and intuitive to envision implementing. This section truly left me reflecting and evaluating how I communicate with my wife, coworkers, friends and ave parents. But of course, it also got me thinking about whether or not I have people in my life offering these sorts of nutrients back to me; which led perfectly into part 3 on surrounding yourself with the right people.
In part 3 Townsend describes seven different types of people and how we should be interacting with them. The first five types are positive, functional relationships we should strive two have. The final two are toxic relationships we need to be able to recognize and protect ourselves from. One major relationship he describes is the Comrade, which are the people we should primarily be doing life with. He encourages forming what he calls a “Life Team” out of this group of people, which act as a vehicle of life accountability, encouragement and challenge. This section was very insightful and I plan on implementing what he recommends here. Ultimately this whole section was key in helping me reflect on the state and quality of my current relationships. I was able to see major deficiencies in relational nutrients due to the people I have around me.
Townsend continues to caveat throughout the book and especially in this final section, how people were created to be in community and fellowship. A major avenue for Gods love and teaching comes through other people around us. I really appreciate the wisdom shared throughout this book.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 24, 2021
This was a useful book. It gave me language and concepts for things I've been thinking about for some time, and it offers an action program for developing deeper and more nourishing relationships with friends, colleagues, and family.
According to Townsend, we need relational 'nutrients' in order to thrive. If we don't like the 'fruit' that our lives are producing, it's no use yelling at the fruit to get better- we need to look at the relational soil in which we're rooted, and whether we're receiving the nutrients we need from the people in our lives. He identifies twenty-two relational nutrients, grouped into four quadrants: being attuned and present with each other, encouraging and naming each others' good qualities, providing insight or a reality check when things are going awry, and challenging each other to grow and change. The question is, are you receiving sufficient inputs of these nutrients from the people around you? For most people, apparently, the answer is no.
The writing style is very simple, clear, no-nonsense. The author is an executive consultant, so most of his examples are from the business world. But he's also a counsellor, so he emphasizes the relevance of family, marital, and friend relationships to healthy workplace culture as well as to a fulfilled life.
He writes from a Christian perspective, which has a huge, if unmentioned, influence on the solutions he proposes. As far as I can tell, it's just easier to relate and be vulnerable when you have in common so huge a thing as religious faith to frame shared values and priorities. Non-Christians will certainly find the concepts and practices in this book applicable, though.
The book comes with an access code for the Townsend Institute's online relational self-assessment tool, and a challenge to put its insights into practice. I'm going to do it, and I'm saying so online in part to hold myself to the challenge. I think the Townsend approach does hold a lot of potential and I want to test it out.
According to Townsend, we need relational 'nutrients' in order to thrive. If we don't like the 'fruit' that our lives are producing, it's no use yelling at the fruit to get better- we need to look at the relational soil in which we're rooted, and whether we're receiving the nutrients we need from the people in our lives. He identifies twenty-two relational nutrients, grouped into four quadrants: being attuned and present with each other, encouraging and naming each others' good qualities, providing insight or a reality check when things are going awry, and challenging each other to grow and change. The question is, are you receiving sufficient inputs of these nutrients from the people around you? For most people, apparently, the answer is no.
The writing style is very simple, clear, no-nonsense. The author is an executive consultant, so most of his examples are from the business world. But he's also a counsellor, so he emphasizes the relevance of family, marital, and friend relationships to healthy workplace culture as well as to a fulfilled life.
He writes from a Christian perspective, which has a huge, if unmentioned, influence on the solutions he proposes. As far as I can tell, it's just easier to relate and be vulnerable when you have in common so huge a thing as religious faith to frame shared values and priorities. Non-Christians will certainly find the concepts and practices in this book applicable, though.
The book comes with an access code for the Townsend Institute's online relational self-assessment tool, and a challenge to put its insights into practice. I'm going to do it, and I'm saying so online in part to hold myself to the challenge. I think the Townsend approach does hold a lot of potential and I want to test it out.
January 9, 2025
The focus and vantage of this one doesn't sit well with me. I disliked how "me" focused this book was directed: walking the reader through "how can *I* get these relational supports for myself?" He did include some reference to "You can give this type of support to others too." But, the foundation was very much on getting from others for oneself. I also didn't love his metaphor; it was kinda gimicky.
That being said, the material and psychology/emotional principles in People Fuel have value in learning how to emotionally support people. These are helpful tools for building relationships. That is the focus I would have preferred he speak from. I would give it a 2.5.
That being said, the material and psychology/emotional principles in People Fuel have value in learning how to emotionally support people. These are helpful tools for building relationships. That is the focus I would have preferred he speak from. I would give it a 2.5.
January 13, 2024
Good insight, good advice, good clarity on optimizing relationships of all kinds.👍🏼
February 21, 2025
This is the first required reading for students at The Townsend Institute, for good reason. Dr. Townsend’s Growth Model, specifically his relational nutrients concept, has already impacted how I view myself, others, and relationships. I don’t know of an individual who wouldn’t benefit from reading “People Fuel,” but if you are someone in a helping profession, it will be especially beneficial for you.
December 9, 2020
Solid book. Had the opportunity to read an advanced copy to prep for an interview with Townsend. Loved his insightful and systematic approach to how people grow and benefit from a diverse set of relationships.
His quadrant on the different types of care was especially useful because it differentiated the 4 broad ways we show care and when to deploy each one. Helped me identify how I have been a boon to people and also the areas I haven’t been as helpful.
I divided it up in a mind map
People Fuel Mind Map
His quadrant on the different types of care was especially useful because it differentiated the 4 broad ways we show care and when to deploy each one. Helped me identify how I have been a boon to people and also the areas I haven’t been as helpful.
I divided it up in a mind map
People Fuel Mind Map
July 19, 2021
People Fuel is a helpful tool to building healthy Christ-centered relationships. Townsend's unique combination of theological education at Dallas Theological Seminary and a Ph.D. in clinical psychology gives him a unique perspective on the topic. He provides a helpful framework for identifying which relationships are harmful or unhealthy, and which are mutually beneficial and encouraging.
September 12, 2019
4.25 stars! Quick and easy audiobook. Had great stories and examples. I would definitely recommend this book!
March 15, 2025
As with the other book I read from Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend ("How Pople Grow"), this book can be very practical and applied to anyone in their business and personal life. Though I have not taken advantage of the online tools, I am sure they would be helpful (The Townsend Personal and Relational Assessment Tool, TownsendLeadership.com, DrTownsend.com, etc.). My slight criticism is he throws in Bible verses throughout that may or may not apply to the principle he is talking about. Certainly, the Bible talks about relationships in great detail, but this book is more born out of his years of practice in counseling and coaching. I certainly can see how I could have used such a tool much earlier in my professional and personal life. I will probably mention it to me sons that are heavily involved in leadership roles in the respective careers and will encourage them to seek out a Life Team of their own that he explains in the book to do life within order to help them navigate all of their relationships. We all have needs and we were created to seek others to help us as we seek to help each other.
January 11, 2025
This book speaks to the deep need we have for relationships with others. I did enjoy reading it but felt lost in the many acronyms/charts/memory devices used in an attempt to make things easier to remember but actually made things more confusing. Overall the concepts were really great though. It gave some good questions to ask when caught in different kinds of difficult relational situations. This book would be great for leadership at an organization to read, especially if they want to increase relational development in their employees.
February 28, 2025
An easy and informative read that really challenged how I look at filling my tank and being the most effective leader I can be.
April 9, 2024
Audio.
Excellent roadmap for giving and receiving relational support.
Excellent roadmap for giving and receiving relational support.
September 11, 2023
I borrowed this audiobook from the library. About 1/2 way through I ordered a hard copy from Amazon because I will definitely reference it in the future. The book arrived and I haven’t been able to start marking it up because my husband is reading it.
I have mentored women and facilitated small groups for 20 years. I have been to countless trainings, but this book is HELPFUL. I will definitely be using these tools.
I have mentored women and facilitated small groups for 20 years. I have been to countless trainings, but this book is HELPFUL. I will definitely be using these tools.
January 14, 2020
The first half of this book felt like an advertisement for the author's seminars and training. While there were a few good reminders, I felt this was a recycled version of the bullseye approach to evaluating the people in your life. The inner circle, outer circle for acquaintances, etc. This book was rather idealistic as it didn't really go into how to find and attract the coaches and team for personal growth but suggested going through your existing contacts. If you have a pattern of codependency, this advice is poor and you will find your list full of, "chronics" and possibly, "contaminants." I wish this book helped identify dangerous traits and desirable traits as well as strategic ways to find the people that are best for your situation.
February 23, 2020
I agreed with the thesis that we are created as relational beings that need to be needed and fulfilled both vertically (directly with God) and horizontally (through interaction with others).
The concept of Q1 through Q4 nutrient quadrants was meaningful and there was good advice for shaping your relationships through the 7 C’s (both what to seek out and what to avoid).
The main reason I didn’t give this a higher rating was I didn’t feel it was well written and was hard for me to slug through. It read like something that should have been a good HBS review article that was stretched to fuller form.
Reading a good summary of this would have been sufficient.
The concept of Q1 through Q4 nutrient quadrants was meaningful and there was good advice for shaping your relationships through the 7 C’s (both what to seek out and what to avoid).
The main reason I didn’t give this a higher rating was I didn’t feel it was well written and was hard for me to slug through. It read like something that should have been a good HBS review article that was stretched to fuller form.
Reading a good summary of this would have been sufficient.
May 20, 2024
*** DISCLAIMER: Bible verses quoted.
HIGHLIGHTS:
1. NEEDS
- We need to need each other.
- Functional needs: task requirements
- Relational Needs: people are the fuel to help us grow.
- ** Parentified children never ask for their needs to be met. They had to be the strong one, with no room for their own needs.**
2. THE FRUIT
- Personal: behavior, thoughts, values, emotions.
- People: vulnerability, capacity to solve relational problems.
- Vulnerability requires deep connection.
- When you care about someone, you want to be able to disagree, argue, and healthy ways, solve problems, make decisions, and get back to love and connection. When that can’t happen, we feel disconnected, alone, frustrated, and sad.
3. PERFORMANCE:
- Mission, career, finance, service
- anchor can serve to protect from the discomfort of being vulnerable.
4. CHARACTER:
- Bonding, boundaries, reality, capability
- ** We need to experience Grace before we are ready for the truth. **
- If you’ve ever been “truthed” by someone, without grace, even if they were right about what they were saying to you, it probably felt harsh, unloving, and impossible to respond to.
- One of the functions of grace is to help us DIGEST and metabolize the truth. Then we can make use of someone’s advice without feeling judged.
- When we know they are truly with us, we are more prone to respond to the truth.
- Grace is tuning an empathizing to someone’s emotional state.
5. Q1: NOT ALONE IN THIS:
- Acceptance: makes a difference only when we provide it to a judged, condemned, or insecure part of the person. Acceptance opens the door to all the rest of the relational nutrients.
- Attunement. Validation. Identification: normalization is the experience of realizing that you’re not strange, you fit in with others.
- Comfort: The relational nutrient that best addresses loss, in all forms. We were not designed to lose, and we are not born with the skills to deal with our losses. They must be learned. Facilitates the grief process.
- Containment: helps self-regulate. Strong feelings that are not all of reality, processing them to decrease intensity.
- Validation: when we validate someone, we can be that their experience is significant and not to be minimized or dismissed.
6. Q2: POSITIVE: CONVEY THE GOOD
- Affirmation: attached to effort.
- Encouragement: built on a deficient. A person whose tank is empty, you land your authentic and true belief and the other person until they can own it for themselves and use it independently.
- Respect: honor or assigned value. When you convey respect to someone, you were expressing to them that they occupy a place of honor in your mind and that you see great value in them. Character, choices, freedom to choose.
- Hope: for the future. Hope is the energy source which gives us the strength to carry on. If the realities aren’t there, then you must be honest, providing hope at a deeper level.
- Forgiveness: is the cancellation of a debt. The innocent one pays. forgiveness is a choice and healing is a process.
- Celebration is the acknowledgment of a win, both cognitively and emotionally. Celebration requires that we be in the moment. Celebration is a reinforcer. Celebration access to each other.
7. Q3: Provide Reality - “I have usable info”:
- People who do well in life seek out the truth and orient to whatever it says, rather than cherry, picking the truth that fit their idea.
- Clarification: start with clarification if there is a question of truth.
- Perspective: when someone gives you a fresh look at yourself, it is an aha moment, when the lights come on, and you feel more clarity about who you are and why you have done what you have done.
- Insight: more focused on comprehending the situation itself. Inside is about the realities underneath the emotions.
- Feedback: providing a personal and individualized response to another, to help them in their situation it needs to be delivered from a position of “I’m for you. “ Positive feedback plus corrective feedback, given warmly.
- Confrontation: facing another person with the reality alongside in appeal and warning to change. Confrontation is always corrective.
8. Q4: Call to Action - “I’m moving forward”:
- Advice: recommending a course of action. Get permission first ask if you have permission to speak freely. Then the person has a choice advice that is permitted is more and more useful.
- Structure: relationships are what life is about, but structure orders life so that it works.without structure, things become chaotic and important test don’t get done. The right amount of structure will make just about any issue better. The structure became a habit which fostered positive feelings, trust, and connection.
- Challenge: advice with an amplifier. It is more intense and urgent. Is needed when someone must pay attention to the next necessary steps. We escalate what we are saying, taking it to another level. “Push back”
9. TYPES of People:
- Coach: must understand what makes people overcome obstacles and succeed.
- Comrades: The life team is the highest and best set of friendships. Period 3 to 10 people vulnerable and safe. Meet for 90 minutes more often than monthly.
-Casuals: Low commitment and enjoyable relationships. A good casual friendship helps keep us in balance, a way from too much ruminating on the past or worrying about the future.
- Colleagues: work should not be a source of most of our relational nutrients pay attention to who drains and energizes you after meeting them.
- Care: they take responsibility for the nutrients they are given compassion. Fatigue occurs when a person gives far beyond themselves that they have a breakdown and some combination of energy, functioning, mood, time or finances. Going beyond our resources the care goes away and we have to be cared for, not a good use of time and energy. When we give of ourselves, expecting nothing, we receive much more than we ever thought possible. We must practice responsibility so that we can continue giving for a lifetime
- Chronics: a black hole with no change in sight. If people want our time, they need to be should Ring some of the burden, owning their lives, unless they are in the hospital, in hospice, in a crisis, or barely surviving. We must never judge those with chronic tendencies. We all have our own chronic. Your responsibility is to be in charge of investing your energy and resources.
- Contaminants: Not having a sufficient amount of coaches, comrades, or casuals can lead to exhaustion, lack of energy, problems, and priority and clarity, and lack of effectiveness. You have neglected your own relational nutrients this leads to not spending time with those who have them to offer, and not having them deliver them to you.
10. The best life is the one in which the only people you are investing in are those who need you.
HIGHLIGHTS:
1. NEEDS
- We need to need each other.
- Functional needs: task requirements
- Relational Needs: people are the fuel to help us grow.
- ** Parentified children never ask for their needs to be met. They had to be the strong one, with no room for their own needs.**
2. THE FRUIT
- Personal: behavior, thoughts, values, emotions.
- People: vulnerability, capacity to solve relational problems.
- Vulnerability requires deep connection.
- When you care about someone, you want to be able to disagree, argue, and healthy ways, solve problems, make decisions, and get back to love and connection. When that can’t happen, we feel disconnected, alone, frustrated, and sad.
3. PERFORMANCE:
- Mission, career, finance, service
- anchor can serve to protect from the discomfort of being vulnerable.
4. CHARACTER:
- Bonding, boundaries, reality, capability
- ** We need to experience Grace before we are ready for the truth. **
- If you’ve ever been “truthed” by someone, without grace, even if they were right about what they were saying to you, it probably felt harsh, unloving, and impossible to respond to.
- One of the functions of grace is to help us DIGEST and metabolize the truth. Then we can make use of someone’s advice without feeling judged.
- When we know they are truly with us, we are more prone to respond to the truth.
- Grace is tuning an empathizing to someone’s emotional state.
5. Q1: NOT ALONE IN THIS:
- Acceptance: makes a difference only when we provide it to a judged, condemned, or insecure part of the person. Acceptance opens the door to all the rest of the relational nutrients.
- Attunement. Validation. Identification: normalization is the experience of realizing that you’re not strange, you fit in with others.
- Comfort: The relational nutrient that best addresses loss, in all forms. We were not designed to lose, and we are not born with the skills to deal with our losses. They must be learned. Facilitates the grief process.
- Containment: helps self-regulate. Strong feelings that are not all of reality, processing them to decrease intensity.
- Validation: when we validate someone, we can be that their experience is significant and not to be minimized or dismissed.
6. Q2: POSITIVE: CONVEY THE GOOD
- Affirmation: attached to effort.
- Encouragement: built on a deficient. A person whose tank is empty, you land your authentic and true belief and the other person until they can own it for themselves and use it independently.
- Respect: honor or assigned value. When you convey respect to someone, you were expressing to them that they occupy a place of honor in your mind and that you see great value in them. Character, choices, freedom to choose.
- Hope: for the future. Hope is the energy source which gives us the strength to carry on. If the realities aren’t there, then you must be honest, providing hope at a deeper level.
- Forgiveness: is the cancellation of a debt. The innocent one pays. forgiveness is a choice and healing is a process.
- Celebration is the acknowledgment of a win, both cognitively and emotionally. Celebration requires that we be in the moment. Celebration is a reinforcer. Celebration access to each other.
7. Q3: Provide Reality - “I have usable info”:
- People who do well in life seek out the truth and orient to whatever it says, rather than cherry, picking the truth that fit their idea.
- Clarification: start with clarification if there is a question of truth.
- Perspective: when someone gives you a fresh look at yourself, it is an aha moment, when the lights come on, and you feel more clarity about who you are and why you have done what you have done.
- Insight: more focused on comprehending the situation itself. Inside is about the realities underneath the emotions.
- Feedback: providing a personal and individualized response to another, to help them in their situation it needs to be delivered from a position of “I’m for you. “ Positive feedback plus corrective feedback, given warmly.
- Confrontation: facing another person with the reality alongside in appeal and warning to change. Confrontation is always corrective.
8. Q4: Call to Action - “I’m moving forward”:
- Advice: recommending a course of action. Get permission first ask if you have permission to speak freely. Then the person has a choice advice that is permitted is more and more useful.
- Structure: relationships are what life is about, but structure orders life so that it works.without structure, things become chaotic and important test don’t get done. The right amount of structure will make just about any issue better. The structure became a habit which fostered positive feelings, trust, and connection.
- Challenge: advice with an amplifier. It is more intense and urgent. Is needed when someone must pay attention to the next necessary steps. We escalate what we are saying, taking it to another level. “Push back”
9. TYPES of People:
- Coach: must understand what makes people overcome obstacles and succeed.
- Comrades: The life team is the highest and best set of friendships. Period 3 to 10 people vulnerable and safe. Meet for 90 minutes more often than monthly.
-Casuals: Low commitment and enjoyable relationships. A good casual friendship helps keep us in balance, a way from too much ruminating on the past or worrying about the future.
- Colleagues: work should not be a source of most of our relational nutrients pay attention to who drains and energizes you after meeting them.
- Care: they take responsibility for the nutrients they are given compassion. Fatigue occurs when a person gives far beyond themselves that they have a breakdown and some combination of energy, functioning, mood, time or finances. Going beyond our resources the care goes away and we have to be cared for, not a good use of time and energy. When we give of ourselves, expecting nothing, we receive much more than we ever thought possible. We must practice responsibility so that we can continue giving for a lifetime
- Chronics: a black hole with no change in sight. If people want our time, they need to be should Ring some of the burden, owning their lives, unless they are in the hospital, in hospice, in a crisis, or barely surviving. We must never judge those with chronic tendencies. We all have our own chronic. Your responsibility is to be in charge of investing your energy and resources.
- Contaminants: Not having a sufficient amount of coaches, comrades, or casuals can lead to exhaustion, lack of energy, problems, and priority and clarity, and lack of effectiveness. You have neglected your own relational nutrients this leads to not spending time with those who have them to offer, and not having them deliver them to you.
10. The best life is the one in which the only people you are investing in are those who need you.
January 21, 2020
This book helped me a lot because it provided a framewotk through which I can understand the importance of healthy relationships to my wellbeing. The central idea of the book is that people fuel our lives with the nutrients we need. At times, the book is repetitive, however, the ideas within it are vital.
My life has been enriched by reading People Fuel.
My life has been enriched by reading People Fuel.
November 15, 2020
This book was VERY timely for me. Several years ago I made a career change that involved working remotely and spending more time travelling. It has been far more isolating than I had anticipated, and that isolation has created some relational deficits and spiritual stagnation in my life. I purchased this book hoping to gain some practical - but biblical - insight into how I might remedy my situation. For context, I began reading this book not long after a foster son of almost two years left our home to reunite with his family and also in the early days of the coronavirus pandemic, both of which marked significant transitions in my life. It also came as I had just joined a Life Group through our church, in which I've been navigating new relationships and putting the book into practice.
Townsend's concept is relatively simple: that the "fruit" of our lives - in personal growth, relationships, and performance, depends largely on the structures that support it and the nutrients that feed it. In Townsend's metaphor, the fruit is supported by our character, which grows with the 22 different relational nutrients that we give and receive from others. The nutrition metaphor is apt and makes synthesizing concepts much easier. Townsend's 7 C's - or the relationships by which we give and receive nutrients - is also catchy and easy to remember. Above all, I appreciate Townsends reliance both on his clinical practice, but on his faith and understanding of the Bible.
This book has had a great impact on how I view relationships, why they're important, how to ensure that my relational needs are met, how to meet those needs in others, and what the Bible and clinical practice has to say about them. I have found that my parallel path of joining a Life Group while reading this book has made some of the concepts even clearer to me. I would highly recommend this book to anyone who values relationship - or doesn't and wants to. Townsend's work is biblical, practical, and supremely important in the ever-changing world we live in where people are increasingly isolated.
Townsend's concept is relatively simple: that the "fruit" of our lives - in personal growth, relationships, and performance, depends largely on the structures that support it and the nutrients that feed it. In Townsend's metaphor, the fruit is supported by our character, which grows with the 22 different relational nutrients that we give and receive from others. The nutrition metaphor is apt and makes synthesizing concepts much easier. Townsend's 7 C's - or the relationships by which we give and receive nutrients - is also catchy and easy to remember. Above all, I appreciate Townsends reliance both on his clinical practice, but on his faith and understanding of the Bible.
This book has had a great impact on how I view relationships, why they're important, how to ensure that my relational needs are met, how to meet those needs in others, and what the Bible and clinical practice has to say about them. I have found that my parallel path of joining a Life Group while reading this book has made some of the concepts even clearer to me. I would highly recommend this book to anyone who values relationship - or doesn't and wants to. Townsend's work is biblical, practical, and supremely important in the ever-changing world we live in where people are increasingly isolated.
June 22, 2021
pg 37 Growth Tree
People, Personal, Performance
Maturity, Reality, Boundaries, Bonding
Grace Truth and TIME.
pg 81 THE Four Quadrants of Relational Nutrients!
Q1 BE PRESENT:
Acceptance
Attunement
Validation
Identification
Containment
Comfort
Q2 Convey the Good
Affirmation
Encouragement
Respect
Hope
Forgiveness
Celebration
Q3 Provide Reality
Clarification
Perspective
Insight
Feedback
Confrontation
Q4 Call to Action
Advice
Structure
Challenge
Development
Service
pg 156 "Help you determine what kind of person you are with others, what nutrients you provide, and how you can have a more positive impact in their lives."
pg 156 "Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm." Proverbs 13:20
pg 193 "Work is not a primary context for personal growth, counseling, or healing. It is work. The work environment can be a supportive setting, but make sure you are fully utilizing your most important connections elsewhere.
pg 194 "Remember, even when you are focused on your work, relationships matter... the meeting you had with them a few hours ago either drained you or energized you for the current task."
pg 196 "They take responsibility for the nutrients they are given. A true care person or group does not waste what they are provided. They burn the fuel, using the nutrients to better their condition, grow, heal, and become more autonomous. They are a ver good return on the investment of yourself."
pg 216 " my command: Love each other (John 15:16-17). God picked you to go bear fruit, fruit of all kinds. And it cannot be done, in its fullest expression, without the love we are to have for each other, as it manifests itself in the giving and receiving of what ultimately are his nutrients for us. God Bless you."
People, Personal, Performance
Maturity, Reality, Boundaries, Bonding
Grace Truth and TIME.
pg 81 THE Four Quadrants of Relational Nutrients!
Q1 BE PRESENT:
Acceptance
Attunement
Validation
Identification
Containment
Comfort
Q2 Convey the Good
Affirmation
Encouragement
Respect
Hope
Forgiveness
Celebration
Q3 Provide Reality
Clarification
Perspective
Insight
Feedback
Confrontation
Q4 Call to Action
Advice
Structure
Challenge
Development
Service
pg 156 "Help you determine what kind of person you are with others, what nutrients you provide, and how you can have a more positive impact in their lives."
pg 156 "Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm." Proverbs 13:20
pg 193 "Work is not a primary context for personal growth, counseling, or healing. It is work. The work environment can be a supportive setting, but make sure you are fully utilizing your most important connections elsewhere.
pg 194 "Remember, even when you are focused on your work, relationships matter... the meeting you had with them a few hours ago either drained you or energized you for the current task."
pg 196 "They take responsibility for the nutrients they are given. A true care person or group does not waste what they are provided. They burn the fuel, using the nutrients to better their condition, grow, heal, and become more autonomous. They are a ver good return on the investment of yourself."
pg 216 " my command: Love each other (John 15:16-17). God picked you to go bear fruit, fruit of all kinds. And it cannot be done, in its fullest expression, without the love we are to have for each other, as it manifests itself in the giving and receiving of what ultimately are his nutrients for us. God Bless you."
May 12, 2020
Practical, biblical insights on understanding and developing the power of relationships for personal and professional growth. As we were created imago Dei, relationship is an important resource for each of us. Solid biblical references are provided throughout the book. After making a powerful case for what the author refers to as “relational nutrients,” using the metaphor of a tree from soil and roots to fruit, the four major nutrients are presented in a sequential process for growth. The four quadrants are also included in a bookmark for easy reference.
Quandrant 1 - Be Present. This includes Acceptance, Attunement, Validation, Identification, Containment, and Comfort.
Quandrant 2 - Convey the Good. This quadrant includes Affirmation, Encouragement, Respect, Hope, Forgiveness, and Celebration.
Quadrant 3 - Provide Reality. Includes Clarification, Perspective, Insight, Feedback, and Confrontation.
Quadrant 4 - Call to Action. Includes Advice, Structure, Challenge, Development, and Service.
Each Quadrant chapter provides real life examples, the biblical principles involved, and samples of communication for engaging others in each nutrient.
The final section of the exceptional book provides guidance on selecting the individuals to serve as your “people fuel,” as Coaches, Comrades, Casuals and Colleagues. Townsend finishes this exceptional book with guidance on caring for others, handling chronics and avoiding contaminants.
The book also provides access to a free administration of the Townsend Personal and Relational Assessment Tool (TPRAT) to give feedback on the four key Capacities of Character - Bonding, Boundaries, Reality, and Capacity.
Quandrant 1 - Be Present. This includes Acceptance, Attunement, Validation, Identification, Containment, and Comfort.
Quandrant 2 - Convey the Good. This quadrant includes Affirmation, Encouragement, Respect, Hope, Forgiveness, and Celebration.
Quadrant 3 - Provide Reality. Includes Clarification, Perspective, Insight, Feedback, and Confrontation.
Quadrant 4 - Call to Action. Includes Advice, Structure, Challenge, Development, and Service.
Each Quadrant chapter provides real life examples, the biblical principles involved, and samples of communication for engaging others in each nutrient.
The final section of the exceptional book provides guidance on selecting the individuals to serve as your “people fuel,” as Coaches, Comrades, Casuals and Colleagues. Townsend finishes this exceptional book with guidance on caring for others, handling chronics and avoiding contaminants.
The book also provides access to a free administration of the Townsend Personal and Relational Assessment Tool (TPRAT) to give feedback on the four key Capacities of Character - Bonding, Boundaries, Reality, and Capacity.
September 12, 2023
Being a Christian man who wants to improve my social life and E.Q.(emotional intelligence), this was an impeccable read. I learned on a deeper level how I can articulate my relational needs that will help me live a more robust life. This book was not only informative of the variety of needs, it also exposed the relational deficits that exist in my life today. I was aghast to learn how many different nutrients I don’t have in my life and how it has been effecting me long-term. In addition to the nutrients, I also took heed to the quadrant structure provided to help me navigate how to give and receive what skills at what moments. If you are any type of leader who wants to improve the culture of your environment and cultivate meaningful relationships, this book is a must read.
Another lesson I learned from the book is how to look for people to do life with, and to what degree. Some people may be comrades, acquaintances, or coaches which pour into you. He also gives a guide on how to discern and prune the bad relationships out of you life to produce a more fruitful outcome of people around you.
I was enthralled by this book simply because of my ignorance on this topic. This book got me towards my personal goal of being a leader and what type of environment I would like to cultivate and be a part of. Whether in church, business, work, or at home, I am excited to implement these ideas to lead to a more wholesome social life!
Another lesson I learned from the book is how to look for people to do life with, and to what degree. Some people may be comrades, acquaintances, or coaches which pour into you. He also gives a guide on how to discern and prune the bad relationships out of you life to produce a more fruitful outcome of people around you.
I was enthralled by this book simply because of my ignorance on this topic. This book got me towards my personal goal of being a leader and what type of environment I would like to cultivate and be a part of. Whether in church, business, work, or at home, I am excited to implement these ideas to lead to a more wholesome social life!
March 5, 2021
People Fuel is an important read for those who are wanting to experience growth and change and realize that people are necessary to help us experience transformation in our lives.
Townsend identifies a number of "nutrients" that are necessary for growth and he identifies how these nutrients are received and delivered via our various relational networks.
Townsend spends ample time talking about the kinds of relationships we need in order to receive the right nutrients, but he also gives plenty of examples to show how it works out practically in our relationships.
I found this book to be an enjoyable read as Townsend's writing style is easy and engaging with plenty of relevant information mixed with real life stories and examples.
But this book was also challenging, particularly during Covid, where building relationships has proven to be more difficult with lockdowns and restrictions that make it more difficult to interact and engage with others.
As a slight introvert who has struggled to build relational intimacy in the past, I found this book to be challenging yet hopeful at the same time.
There's a lot of great content and helpful information in this book and I can imagine this being one of those books that gets re-read and referred to frequently as I seek to grow in my own relationships, but also as I mentor others.
Townsend identifies a number of "nutrients" that are necessary for growth and he identifies how these nutrients are received and delivered via our various relational networks.
Townsend spends ample time talking about the kinds of relationships we need in order to receive the right nutrients, but he also gives plenty of examples to show how it works out practically in our relationships.
I found this book to be an enjoyable read as Townsend's writing style is easy and engaging with plenty of relevant information mixed with real life stories and examples.
But this book was also challenging, particularly during Covid, where building relationships has proven to be more difficult with lockdowns and restrictions that make it more difficult to interact and engage with others.
As a slight introvert who has struggled to build relational intimacy in the past, I found this book to be challenging yet hopeful at the same time.
There's a lot of great content and helpful information in this book and I can imagine this being one of those books that gets re-read and referred to frequently as I seek to grow in my own relationships, but also as I mentor others.
June 7, 2020
This book gave several examples of relationships and the needs to help those relationships flourish. Townsend gave several person stories of how to manage conflict by using it as a building block instead of a cause of harm.
To my memory, every story had a happy ending with the conflict resolved. It left me with positive steps to move forward in addressing conflict. However, I felt it built up an unrealistic expectation that if conflicts are addressed correctly, everyone ends up happy. I think it is worth reading if you are interested in a solid view of Christian relationship building, but it should be considered with caution.
To my memory, every story had a happy ending with the conflict resolved. It left me with positive steps to move forward in addressing conflict. However, I felt it built up an unrealistic expectation that if conflicts are addressed correctly, everyone ends up happy. I think it is worth reading if you are interested in a solid view of Christian relationship building, but it should be considered with caution.
November 24, 2019
I needed this book right at this moment. I’ve stepped into an uptick of giving and that is my natural bent but I’m not always good at evaluating when my giving hurts in the long term. I’m talking hurting both me and my family and the person I’m giving to who isn’t changing. I use to have no boundaries although I’ve grown a lot in that area it’s good to see practical steps of where I need to be continually assessing them. This is a book I will come back to thus the five stars. The last few chapters in particular were very helpful to me.
September 24, 2019
Overall the concepts in this book are solid. The way it was presented was just a bit muddy for me. So many lists. 7 of these and 8 of these and 4 core... and something about a tree. As someone who reads a lot of leadership/growth focused books, I found the general ideas to be things I have heard before and agree with. That being said, it just didn’t mesh with my learning style but I could definitely see how it could be helpful to others
October 15, 2019
Perhaps 3.5.
I liked his ideas, & think they're important, but it did feel too simplified at times & I was really longing for more of the 'how.' He explains different types of relationships we all need to flourish, but rarely dives in to how to go about creating those types of relationships.
Also, really wish I would have read it rather than listen -- due to the nature of the lists & other things he went through, I wish I had a hard copy to reference.
I liked his ideas, & think they're important, but it did feel too simplified at times & I was really longing for more of the 'how.' He explains different types of relationships we all need to flourish, but rarely dives in to how to go about creating those types of relationships.
Also, really wish I would have read it rather than listen -- due to the nature of the lists & other things he went through, I wish I had a hard copy to reference.
February 8, 2020
Really Good! I always find Dr Townsend (and Cloud) refreshing because they have a knack for cutting through the fog (or BS) and bringing clarity to life situations. The practical examples were very helpful. I put at least one (Affirmation) in practice at the close of a chapter with my husband and he really appreciated it. There is an assessment at the end with growth steps you can take to build your proficiency in relational areas where you may lack.
March 21, 2020
Dr. John Townsend came up with the term relational nutrients to describe things we all need to cultivate healthy lives. This book offers a wealth of insight into what these nutrients are, where to find them, and how they impact us. In addition, the book includes a code to take the TPRAT assessment. This assessment includes helpful insights for areas of growth, with resources to engage in the process.
Highly recommended for all who want to cultivate a life well-lived.
Highly recommended for all who want to cultivate a life well-lived.
March 3, 2021
An excellent book that breaks down the little elements of relationship, why we need every one of them, and how to give them to others. The book also talks about the kinds of people you need in your life, which ones you do not, and how to find them. My only gripe would be that I wish he'd gone more into how to find the right kinds of people, but he did give a few tips and more importantly, he gave the motivation to try and search for these nutrients.
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