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TÌNH YÊU VÀ NHỮNG GIỚI HẠN CỦA CHA MẸ TRONG NUÔI DẠY CON
Tình Yêu Và Những Giới Hạn Của Cha Mẹ Trong Nuôi Dạy Con
Nhiều người cả đời khao khát có được những ông bố bà mẹ yêu thương, gắn bó mà họ không bao giờ có. Là một bác sĩ tâm lý, tôi luôn cảm thấy rất buồn khi bệnh nhân vừa khóc vừa kể về những câu chuyện đáng buồn trong thời thơ ấu của họ cũng như tác động tiêu cực củ chúng lên cuộc sống của họ sau này. Đã nhiều lần tôi ước ao tằng mình có được cây đũa thần, quay ngược lại thời gian và biến đổi những khoảnh khắc ấy - trước khi chúng ảnh hưởng đến người có liên quan, đến cách họ nhìn nhận bản thân và thế giưới xung quanh.
Tôi mong cuốn sách này sẽ trở thành câu đữa thần của bạn - một công cụ mà bạn có thể sử dụng để trở thành ông bố bà mẹ mà con bạn hằng khao khát.
Nhiều người cả đời khao khát có được những ông bố bà mẹ yêu thương, gắn bó mà họ không bao giờ có. Là một bác sĩ tâm lý, tôi luôn cảm thấy rất buồn khi bệnh nhân vừa khóc vừa kể về những câu chuyện đáng buồn trong thời thơ ấu của họ cũng như tác động tiêu cực củ chúng lên cuộc sống của họ sau này. Đã nhiều lần tôi ước ao tằng mình có được cây đũa thần, quay ngược lại thời gian và biến đổi những khoảnh khắc ấy - trước khi chúng ảnh hưởng đến người có liên quan, đến cách họ nhìn nhận bản thân và thế giưới xung quanh.
Tôi mong cuốn sách này sẽ trở thành câu đữa thần của bạn - một công cụ mà bạn có thể sử dụng để trở thành ông bố bà mẹ mà con bạn hằng khao khát.
Unknown Binding
First published April 29, 2014
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 80 reviews
May 22, 2014
Berman makes some really good points about parents today finding it difficult to set limits or discipline, and children bullying them into submission. Berman wants parents to discipline more, set limits, and be more consistent. She says the pendulum has swung too far -- parents used to be too heavy handed, and now they aren't disciplining at all. She lays out very specific things you absolutely must and must not do in order to discipline successfully without damaging your child's fragile self-esteem.
My problem with this directive isn't in the limit-setting and the disciplining. I think those are completely necessary. My problem with it is she makes it sound like you are walking a line -- a very fine line -- between disciplining firmly enough to raise an unspoiled child, and disciplining too firmly, thereby crushing the blooming flower that is your child's sense of self-worth.
The message I got here is "never let your feelings show, never get too upset, always listen to your children and let them know you understand. Discipline, but not too harshly; set limits, but make them thoughtful limits." Then as an aside, "Sure, everyone has bad days, but I beg you, don't let your children know, whatever you do. Be perfect and stop being a human being with feelings and reactions and your kids will be fine." It's hard to come away from this book and not think you've already screwed your children up past the point of recovery.
Who has the time or the mental energy to be this in control during every conflict and every disobeyed rule? Who is not just trying to make it through a day without losing their temper once (or multiple times)? And what happens when you fail, time and time again, to keep your (very human and worthwhile) emotions in check? Your child suffers, according to Berman. And then we're right back to where we started with the guilt and the giving up on discipline completely, because hey, it's better to have a spoiled child than one who is crushed by despair (and also hates his mother) because he was yelled at as a child.
You know what is more realistic for most parents? Saying, "Welcome to the world, kids. People are messy and I'm sorry but you should probably get used to it." Learn to apologize when you make a mistake, because that's what people do.
We feel the need to protect our kids from everything. Berman says this leads to children who can't face frustration or survive as grown-ups. The solution to this inability to cope with the adult world is to further protect them by carefully hiding our own flaws and emotions. And what happens when our children arrive in the grown-up world and realize that actually people are people, and being people, they have emotions that aren't necessarily going to be suppressed down into a well of endless patience?
My problem with this directive isn't in the limit-setting and the disciplining. I think those are completely necessary. My problem with it is she makes it sound like you are walking a line -- a very fine line -- between disciplining firmly enough to raise an unspoiled child, and disciplining too firmly, thereby crushing the blooming flower that is your child's sense of self-worth.
The message I got here is "never let your feelings show, never get too upset, always listen to your children and let them know you understand. Discipline, but not too harshly; set limits, but make them thoughtful limits." Then as an aside, "Sure, everyone has bad days, but I beg you, don't let your children know, whatever you do. Be perfect and stop being a human being with feelings and reactions and your kids will be fine." It's hard to come away from this book and not think you've already screwed your children up past the point of recovery.
Who has the time or the mental energy to be this in control during every conflict and every disobeyed rule? Who is not just trying to make it through a day without losing their temper once (or multiple times)? And what happens when you fail, time and time again, to keep your (very human and worthwhile) emotions in check? Your child suffers, according to Berman. And then we're right back to where we started with the guilt and the giving up on discipline completely, because hey, it's better to have a spoiled child than one who is crushed by despair (and also hates his mother) because he was yelled at as a child.
You know what is more realistic for most parents? Saying, "Welcome to the world, kids. People are messy and I'm sorry but you should probably get used to it." Learn to apologize when you make a mistake, because that's what people do.
We feel the need to protect our kids from everything. Berman says this leads to children who can't face frustration or survive as grown-ups. The solution to this inability to cope with the adult world is to further protect them by carefully hiding our own flaws and emotions. And what happens when our children arrive in the grown-up world and realize that actually people are people, and being people, they have emotions that aren't necessarily going to be suppressed down into a well of endless patience?
April 22, 2019
I thought this was fantastic. It wasn't necessarily mind-blowing new information, but it was a great reminder to me about things I could improve on with no guilt piled on. Definitely recommend.
March 11, 2014
Yeah, I'm real over authors complaining about Millenials being entitled. I also just didn't like the style.
August 12, 2015
This book was a good, quick read, but it’s full of italicized quotes from random patients, writers, blah, blah, and I kept wondering how substantial the book would actually be without that crutch. I appreciated the emphasis on teaching boundaries, being cautious not to overindulge, and creating a safe, secure family environment, but I think Berman could have been more instructive. It’s the equivalent of Pinterest in book form. Enjoyable, but with a lot of empty quotes.
February 5, 2017
3 stars is being generous but 2 seems too little. It was a decent book but not as instructive as it could have been. I felt I knew a lot of these things and others I could have learned off the Internet. The author makes you really feel you are going to put your kid in therapy because of your parenting
May 27, 2014
I never thought I would agree with everything stated in a parenting book, but there was not one time I shook my head. What a wonderful read! I really wish my mom had read this before raising me.
March 31, 2018
In general, I was sympathetic to this book’s premise about standing firm with your kids and showing them love by being consistent. However, the author kept making these bizarre generalizations and anecdotes to make her point. For example, she told a story of a mom who asked her five-year-old for career advice, “Do you think I should take the new job at the bank or keep my old job?” She included this story to let us know we should keep our kid’s decision-making simple like “pasta or chicken?” Was there really a large number of parents out there that needed to be told not to get career advice from their kids???? Maybe that conversation has happened in the history of the world, but it’s not a really relatable example.
At another point in the book, she was telling us how kids shouldn’t be allowed to hit parents. “Today’s crazy message is ‘You’re upset. Go ahead and give me a good slap across the face.’” WHAT??! That’s today’s message? Since when?
At another point she complained that kids are treated like they are too fragile and given helmets, saying “Have we forgotten that children come preassembled? Toddlers’ brains have natural helmets called skulls.” Oh, I’m sorry for wanting to take reasonable safety precautions against brain injury.
At the beginning, she described how a little girl who doesn’t learn good manners and values from her parents might not be very fun to date in the future. HELLO? How about, she wouldn’t be a great student/friend/citizen? Maybe there’s more to raising a girl than making her enticing as a romantic partner.
I don’t need these bizarre, exaggerated examples and retrogressive gender stereotypes in my parenting books. I believe in not coddling your kids but there are much better books out there with that message.
At another point in the book, she was telling us how kids shouldn’t be allowed to hit parents. “Today’s crazy message is ‘You’re upset. Go ahead and give me a good slap across the face.’” WHAT??! That’s today’s message? Since when?
At another point she complained that kids are treated like they are too fragile and given helmets, saying “Have we forgotten that children come preassembled? Toddlers’ brains have natural helmets called skulls.” Oh, I’m sorry for wanting to take reasonable safety precautions against brain injury.
At the beginning, she described how a little girl who doesn’t learn good manners and values from her parents might not be very fun to date in the future. HELLO? How about, she wouldn’t be a great student/friend/citizen? Maybe there’s more to raising a girl than making her enticing as a romantic partner.
I don’t need these bizarre, exaggerated examples and retrogressive gender stereotypes in my parenting books. I believe in not coddling your kids but there are much better books out there with that message.
April 9, 2018
Lots of good advice in this book.
Self-expression is good, but kids shouldn't be able to express their feelings in any way. "You made me" is the ultimate abdication of responsibility.
"I taught my kids that there is zero shame in making mistakes, just take responsibility for them."
As soon as you hear "You are a mean mommy," try to name your child's feeling and mirror it back more constructively. "I understand that you are disappointed to have to leave the party, but calling me names is not OK."... Address the authentic primary feeling of hurt, not the secondary anger.
Labels are limits even the good labels. My one child is a math whiz, the other is a great reader. Why does it have to be one or the other? Can't someone be good at math AND reading? Or can't both kids be good at both? Labels and comparisons really are no-win. If it is a positive label, kids will always fear losing it. If it is a negative label, someone gets stuck with it.
Self-expression is good, but kids shouldn't be able to express their feelings in any way. "You made me" is the ultimate abdication of responsibility.
"I taught my kids that there is zero shame in making mistakes, just take responsibility for them."
As soon as you hear "You are a mean mommy," try to name your child's feeling and mirror it back more constructively. "I understand that you are disappointed to have to leave the party, but calling me names is not OK."... Address the authentic primary feeling of hurt, not the secondary anger.
Labels are limits even the good labels. My one child is a math whiz, the other is a great reader. Why does it have to be one or the other? Can't someone be good at math AND reading? Or can't both kids be good at both? Labels and comparisons really are no-win. If it is a positive label, kids will always fear losing it. If it is a negative label, someone gets stuck with it.
May 5, 2017
Книга понравилась. Фишка - высказывания пациентов, детей, воспоминания людей о своих родителях, цитаты различных специалистов - от психотерапевтов до учителей, они умело вставлены, чтобы проиллюстрировать мысль.
Опять же, сборник good reminders. Много закладок на уголках книги сделала, полезно периодически перелистывать.
Иногда язык кажется немного излишним - все об одном и том же или слишком много описательных оборотов, но под конец привыкла. В конце каждой главы есть выдержки с общими мыслями.
Опять же, сборник good reminders. Много закладок на уголках книги сделала, полезно периодически перелистывать.
Иногда язык кажется немного излишним - все об одном и том же или слишком много описательных оборотов, но под конец привыкла. В конце каждой главы есть выдержки с общими мыслями.
June 26, 2018
My favorite parenting book (along side Ignore It! By Catherine Pearlman). It gives a great overview of peaceful parenting techniques I have read in other books, but it also gives clear examples on how to set proper boundaries and discipline techniques. If you are more on the permissive side of the parenting spectrum and you need reminders on why and how to implement strong leadership in your home this is a good book for you. It also goes over many topics such as technology, overbuying for our kids, and helicopter parenting. I would recommend this to any parent!
September 27, 2019
Insightful
This is not the kind of book you read in a hurry. But I read it almost in one sitting. So much insights and need for reflections, both on your childhood and your parenting. I keep saying in my mind, I should have laid my hands on this book 15 years or so ago. I think I have committed most of the blunders already and now, my boy is a teenager. But one important lesson I learnt though is this: As far as parenting is concerned, it is never too late to make amends. And that is exactly what I will do. I thank the author for teaching me some lessons.
This is not the kind of book you read in a hurry. But I read it almost in one sitting. So much insights and need for reflections, both on your childhood and your parenting. I keep saying in my mind, I should have laid my hands on this book 15 years or so ago. I think I have committed most of the blunders already and now, my boy is a teenager. But one important lesson I learnt though is this: As far as parenting is concerned, it is never too late to make amends. And that is exactly what I will do. I thank the author for teaching me some lessons.
October 27, 2017
Užitočné, "common sense", miestami až terapeutické, ale zároveň strašne otravne spísané, repetitívne anekdoty v troch variantoch, kde by stačila jedna až žiadna, priveľakrát si v duchu človek povie "citation needed", priveľa ráz má - odovodnené - podozrenie, že niektoré rady a citáty sú v podstate pseudoveda. Kniha by mohla byť v podstate asi tretinovo dlhá a obsahovať aj tak všetko relevantné.
2,5*/5*
2,5*/5*
December 27, 2019
Three stars for referencing other great psychology authors especially Martin Seligman (Positive Psychology) and Carol Dweck (Mindset). This book uses a conversational tone to discuss parenting with consistent enforcement of boundaries, allowing for down time and imaginary play, promoting family time, and backing off on hovering over academic and other activity success. The tone is a little too familiar for me but I enjoyed that the book affirmed what I think I'm trying to do as a parent.
March 29, 2018
What a wonderful book. The author takes on difficult subjects, like the effects of media on our children, but comes from an attitude of hope and inspiration. She tries to consider the different types of families that exist and provide guidance for all. The quotes from children and parents sprinkled throughout the book were perfect.
June 21, 2019
I found the first half maybe a little eye rolling, just in that all her examples seemed very generalized but also the worst possible but still reasonably scenario she could imagine. They were supposedly based on real stories but they didn't come off as realistic. BUT, there is some fantastic reminders in here and I found the second half much more applicable and helpful.
April 21, 2020
Excellent
This book was well written, inspiring, and motivational. I feel better equipped to lavish my kid in love and GOOD parenting. It’s interesting to examine the long term effects parents leave on their kids, but seeing that insight as a way to inspire you to be a better parent.
This book was well written, inspiring, and motivational. I feel better equipped to lavish my kid in love and GOOD parenting. It’s interesting to examine the long term effects parents leave on their kids, but seeing that insight as a way to inspire you to be a better parent.
November 2, 2020
The author makes some good points, but her message gets lost with exaggerations, anecdotes, and generalizations. There is some questionable gender stereotypes (I.e. unruly daughter story that may make her undateable in the future????), and the constant quotes ruin the pace of this book.
Overall, it’s just a lot of common sense advice.
Overall, it’s just a lot of common sense advice.
February 8, 2019
It had a few insightful moments but mostly it was a frenetic combination of things I already know/believe about parenting...stuff I've read about in much greater detail and with more nuance elsewhere.
August 29, 2019
An insightful read with many useful parenting tips. Have been trying to incorporate these techniques into my daily life in hopes to help raise my children in a way that benefits them when they grow up! Although the book does have a lot of ‘fluff’, I quite enjoyed her stories from the couch.
November 22, 2019
Too many parents are catering to their kids and afraid to upset them. This book makes keen observations about this trend and gives great advice to help parents get back in control of the home. Society needs this book.
August 11, 2022
Finally a middle ground! This book is brilliant. It points out the wrongs of the past and the current wrongs of “woke” parenting. It gives the guidelines and (scientific backups) on how to raise functioning members of society! Thank you!! Brilliant!!
July 5, 2023
The author has some great points/tips on parenting, but has too much of a black and white view point when elaborating on them. There is so much gray in parenting that her strict views tend to take away from the points she is making.
July 31, 2017
Great advice any parent can use to better their relationship with their children.
September 2, 2017
Probably really 3-1/2 stars. Nothing new here, but all good reminders and good positive reinforcement of what is simultaneously instinctually common-sense but incredibly challenging.
April 21, 2018
I obviously love a good parenting book and this one was one of my faves!
June 25, 2018
Pretty basic book on loving your kids without limits. Good reminders on setting boundaries, allowing failure, creating routines, using positive words, and affirming emotions. Easy read. 3 stars.
August 5, 2018
Doing as a book club read from parents at my school. She nails it.
December 12, 2018
Amazing. Should be required reading for all humans.
April 6, 2019
Not Earth shattering, but some really helpful tips and reminders. And a quick read.
May 24, 2019
Loved it! Such good reminders and insights!
Displaying 1 - 30 of 80 reviews