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The Likeability Trap
Be nice, but not too nice. Be successful, but not too successful. Just be likeable. Whatever that means?
Women are stuck in an impossible bind. At work, strong women are criticized for being cold, and warm women are seen as pushovers. An award-winning journalist examines this fundamental paradox and empowers readers to let go of old rules and reimagine leadership rather than reinventing themselves.
Consider that even competent women must appear likeable to successfully negotiate a salary, ask for a promotion, or take credit for a job well done—and that studies show these actions usually make them less likeable. And this minefield is doubly loaded when likeability intersects with race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, and parental status.
Relying on extensive research and interviews, and carefully examined personal experience, The Likeability Trap delivers an essential examination of the pressure put on women to be amiable at work, home, and in the public sphere, and explores the price women pay for internalizing those demands. Rather than advising readers to make themselves likeable, Menendez empowers them to examine how they perceive themselves and others and explores how the concept of likeability is riddled with cultural biases. Our demands for likeability, she argues, hinder everyone’s progress and power.
Inspiring, thoughtful and often funny, The Likeability Trap proposes surprising, practical solutions for confronting the cultural patterns holding us back, encourages us to value unique talents and styles instead of muting them, and to remember that while likeability is part of the game, it will not break you.
Women are stuck in an impossible bind. At work, strong women are criticized for being cold, and warm women are seen as pushovers. An award-winning journalist examines this fundamental paradox and empowers readers to let go of old rules and reimagine leadership rather than reinventing themselves.
Consider that even competent women must appear likeable to successfully negotiate a salary, ask for a promotion, or take credit for a job well done—and that studies show these actions usually make them less likeable. And this minefield is doubly loaded when likeability intersects with race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, and parental status.
Relying on extensive research and interviews, and carefully examined personal experience, The Likeability Trap delivers an essential examination of the pressure put on women to be amiable at work, home, and in the public sphere, and explores the price women pay for internalizing those demands. Rather than advising readers to make themselves likeable, Menendez empowers them to examine how they perceive themselves and others and explores how the concept of likeability is riddled with cultural biases. Our demands for likeability, she argues, hinder everyone’s progress and power.
Inspiring, thoughtful and often funny, The Likeability Trap proposes surprising, practical solutions for confronting the cultural patterns holding us back, encourages us to value unique talents and styles instead of muting them, and to remember that while likeability is part of the game, it will not break you.
243 pages, Hardcover
First published November 5, 2019
312 people are currently reading
4981 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 189 reviews
September 4, 2019
This book was recommended by a valued work colleague but I found it difficult to get through because I feel like I'm living it every day. Reading it felt a bit like poking myself with a fork after a long day at the office. The author spends too much time explaining the dynamic considering that most readers could tell the tale themselves. I suppose I should be happy she went to the effort, on the off chance a man will read this. Men who want to be allies--please do!
I soldiered on hoping to get to the part where she explains how to strike the perfect balance between too much and too little, too hard and too soft, but that's not exactly where this goes. Instead, there's a bit of coaching on not caring, or rather, what exactly to care about and what to let go of in order to be successful even when we have no way of undoing this unfortunate dynamic from the inside. The conclusion I found myself privately drawing is that since no one has ever actually called me a bitch to my face, I've erred way too far to the "nice" side and should let 'er rip, really let myself go in all work and social situations. That's not really what the author is advocating, though. Her advice is more productive than my inclination.
The writing is sprightlier than I expected from a television personality, and she also addresses the intersections of race and sexuality. This is worth reading; it's just not especially fun for a book that has such a light tone.
Review copy received from Edelweiss.
I soldiered on hoping to get to the part where she explains how to strike the perfect balance between too much and too little, too hard and too soft, but that's not exactly where this goes. Instead, there's a bit of coaching on not caring, or rather, what exactly to care about and what to let go of in order to be successful even when we have no way of undoing this unfortunate dynamic from the inside. The conclusion I found myself privately drawing is that since no one has ever actually called me a bitch to my face, I've erred way too far to the "nice" side and should let 'er rip, really let myself go in all work and social situations. That's not really what the author is advocating, though. Her advice is more productive than my inclination.
The writing is sprightlier than I expected from a television personality, and she also addresses the intersections of race and sexuality. This is worth reading; it's just not especially fun for a book that has such a light tone.
Review copy received from Edelweiss.
December 28, 2019
It's a collection of stories of discrimination against women, both overt and subtle. I suggest starting with Chapter 10, actions that can be taken by organizations and individuals to reduce discrimination. It helps reveal the bias we all have against women because of expectations that women be helpful and supportive (not driven and successful). A good advice from the book is instead of saying "the person is not a good fit" (which really means the person is not like me), focus on the results that she had achieved and the value she can bring to the organization/job/project. And for anyone (not just women) who had received subjective criticism like "too demanding" or "too emotional," ask the questions "compared to who" and "how has that impacted my results?" Too often, a behavior is given a pejorative label like "aggressive" for a woman, while that exact same behavior is admired in men and labeled "ambitious" and "determined."
not-going-to-finish
June 18, 2021Well, it is later and I circled back but didn't get very far. I feel like this book spends too much time whining.
...
I am trying and failing to get into this one so maybe I will circle back later.
...
I am trying and failing to get into this one so maybe I will circle back later.
May 7, 2020
This book doesn’t teach you how to be likeable, rather it explores the idea of “likability” and how “being likeable” has translated into a tenet of our corporate culture. This book explores likability as a proxy for unconscious bias and gender discrimination. It also offers constructive ways for women to reframe so-called feedback from others that focuses solely on style or presentation, and ways to change your mindset from one of likability to that of relatability. The bottom line: It calls for women to be confident, advocate for themselves, challenge stereotypes and bias, and to not be afraid to walk away when your personal, ethical, or moral code is undermined.
Yes there’s no real research in this book, but it still has a lot of good takeaways and great conversation starters. This is a book to ease into difficult conversations with, and a good balance between the super vulnerable works of Brené Brown and the traditional canon a la How to Win Friends and Influence People.
Yes there’s no real research in this book, but it still has a lot of good takeaways and great conversation starters. This is a book to ease into difficult conversations with, and a good balance between the super vulnerable works of Brené Brown and the traditional canon a la How to Win Friends and Influence People.
February 3, 2020
Preface: I don’t think as a Filipino Canadian man, this book was written for me. Preface 2: I absolutely believe in and wholeheartedly advocate for intersectional feminism. I picked up this book because I try to have my work speak for itself and because I am not conventionally likeable at work. I read about the troubles many women have to navigate and I greatly sympathize. If I’m ever in a position to change things I will.
July 9, 2025
Read against my will. 2/5.
“Likability is something only white ladies care about to make themselves feel better.” I loved this zinger. And then the author dropped the topic. Go on girl, give us nothing.
While this book has a great sentiment, it’s really nothing new. The author ends every section with the same rhetorical question just reworded every time: “can women be likable and successful”? Are you gonna answer question at some point?
Most of the attempts at a profound epiphany fall short. They were superficial and obvious; they gave me nothing to chew on. The book felt outdated to the point where I had to search up the publishing date and was surprised to find it was only a few years ago. Maybe what seems like common knowledge to Gen Z feminists is shocking news to “elder millennials”. These are all things I’ve known and lived, got anything else?
The part that really screamed “behind the times” was when she discussed how black women have less privilege than white women or black men because they deal with racial discrimination AND gender discrimination. The author called this a “scholarly debate” that apparently many academics are still up in the air about. In the year of our lord 2025??
It’s like I picked up an Asian American memoir (my favorite) and the author just talks about how she was bullied in elementary school for bringing stinky lunches. We’re starting at level 1 and we are staying at level 1 here.
“Likability is something only white ladies care about to make themselves feel better.” I loved this zinger. And then the author dropped the topic. Go on girl, give us nothing.
While this book has a great sentiment, it’s really nothing new. The author ends every section with the same rhetorical question just reworded every time: “can women be likable and successful”? Are you gonna answer question at some point?
Most of the attempts at a profound epiphany fall short. They were superficial and obvious; they gave me nothing to chew on. The book felt outdated to the point where I had to search up the publishing date and was surprised to find it was only a few years ago. Maybe what seems like common knowledge to Gen Z feminists is shocking news to “elder millennials”. These are all things I’ve known and lived, got anything else?
The part that really screamed “behind the times” was when she discussed how black women have less privilege than white women or black men because they deal with racial discrimination AND gender discrimination. The author called this a “scholarly debate” that apparently many academics are still up in the air about. In the year of our lord 2025??
It’s like I picked up an Asian American memoir (my favorite) and the author just talks about how she was bullied in elementary school for bringing stinky lunches. We’re starting at level 1 and we are staying at level 1 here.
October 4, 2021
Electra Complex
She prays to the God of Writhing Desire for fatherly relief
To no good effect or cause
Daughter salivates pinnacle sexual intercourse
Rebuffed, patricide is love, no?
#poem
Chris Roberts, God of Electric Blue Mirrors
She prays to the God of Writhing Desire for fatherly relief
To no good effect or cause
Daughter salivates pinnacle sexual intercourse
Rebuffed, patricide is love, no?
#poem
Chris Roberts, God of Electric Blue Mirrors
November 5, 2025
BLUF (Bottom Line Up Front)
Alicia Menendez hands a mirror to every people-pleaser and asks, with a grin and a gut-punch: how’s that working out for you?
Executive Summary
This book teaches professionals how to evolve from exhausted people-pleasers into respected, authentic leaders by:
1. Setting Boundaries Without Guilt – Treating “no” as a form of clarity and respect.
2. Disagreeing Constructively – Expressing dissent while preserving trust.
3. Redefining Connection – Grounding relationships in honesty, not appeasement.
4. Reclaiming Energy – Prioritizing values over validation.
5. Sustaining Influence – Replacing likability with credibility and consistency.
Review
Priya—the recovering people-pleaser who anchors The Likeability Trap—was the emotional hinge that made the book more than social commentary. Menendez’s narrative approach humanizes the research: we don’t just read about self-erasure; we watch it unfold through Priya’s small, familiar concessions.
As a learning psychologist, I found myself making an unexpected teaching connection. Intrinsically motivated learners often chafe under overly strict, behaviorist structures that stifle autonomy. If teachers want these learners to soar, they need to help them ideate, set goals, and receive personalized guidance rather than rigid direction. It’s not an obvious link to this book, but both people-pleasers and constrained learners struggle when they’re rewarded for compliance instead of authenticity.
Menendez effectively captures how chronic accommodation breeds burnout and invisibility. Empirically, she’s right—studies show that people-pleasers lose influence over time as teams sidestep them to avoid discomfort. And her discussion of why so many women fall into this pattern felt spot-on: it’s socialization disguised as professionalism. From childhood, girls are praised for cooperation and punished for assertiveness. The behavior persists because it’s rewarded—until it isn’t.
To her credit, Menendez does offer some remedial language and behavioral strategies—ways to say no, to interrupt bias, to self-advocate. Still, I wished the book leaned further into how. It functions beautifully as a mirror, but I wanted more of a manual. If we’re reading this, we already identify as people-pleasers. We don’t need more diagnosis; we need scripts, scaffolds, and practice.
And while Menendez touches briefly on allyship, a dedicated chapter on how peers and leaders can dismantle the trap for others would have deepened the book’s systemic lens. Without that, the emotional labor of change still falls on those already doing the most accommodating.
Even with those gaps, this book hits a resonant chord. It names what so many professionals—especially women—feel daily: the quiet exhaustion of pleasing everyone but yourself. And it offers just enough guidance to start choosing authenticity over approval.
Recommendation
If you say yes when you want to say no, stay silent when you have valuable ideas, or apologize for things that aren’t your fault—this one deserves a spot on your desk, not your shelf.
Similar Reads
• The Likeability Trap by Alicia Menendez — where empathy meets assertiveness.
• Radical Candor by Kim Scott — models clear, caring communication.
• Dare to Lead by Brené Brown — builds courage and healthy boundaries.
• Invisible Women by Caroline Criado Perez — systemic bias behind individual struggle.
Authorship Note: This review was co-authored using a time-saving GPT I built to help structure and refine my thoughts.
Alicia Menendez hands a mirror to every people-pleaser and asks, with a grin and a gut-punch: how’s that working out for you?
Executive Summary
This book teaches professionals how to evolve from exhausted people-pleasers into respected, authentic leaders by:
1. Setting Boundaries Without Guilt – Treating “no” as a form of clarity and respect.
2. Disagreeing Constructively – Expressing dissent while preserving trust.
3. Redefining Connection – Grounding relationships in honesty, not appeasement.
4. Reclaiming Energy – Prioritizing values over validation.
5. Sustaining Influence – Replacing likability with credibility and consistency.
Review
Priya—the recovering people-pleaser who anchors The Likeability Trap—was the emotional hinge that made the book more than social commentary. Menendez’s narrative approach humanizes the research: we don’t just read about self-erasure; we watch it unfold through Priya’s small, familiar concessions.
As a learning psychologist, I found myself making an unexpected teaching connection. Intrinsically motivated learners often chafe under overly strict, behaviorist structures that stifle autonomy. If teachers want these learners to soar, they need to help them ideate, set goals, and receive personalized guidance rather than rigid direction. It’s not an obvious link to this book, but both people-pleasers and constrained learners struggle when they’re rewarded for compliance instead of authenticity.
Menendez effectively captures how chronic accommodation breeds burnout and invisibility. Empirically, she’s right—studies show that people-pleasers lose influence over time as teams sidestep them to avoid discomfort. And her discussion of why so many women fall into this pattern felt spot-on: it’s socialization disguised as professionalism. From childhood, girls are praised for cooperation and punished for assertiveness. The behavior persists because it’s rewarded—until it isn’t.
To her credit, Menendez does offer some remedial language and behavioral strategies—ways to say no, to interrupt bias, to self-advocate. Still, I wished the book leaned further into how. It functions beautifully as a mirror, but I wanted more of a manual. If we’re reading this, we already identify as people-pleasers. We don’t need more diagnosis; we need scripts, scaffolds, and practice.
And while Menendez touches briefly on allyship, a dedicated chapter on how peers and leaders can dismantle the trap for others would have deepened the book’s systemic lens. Without that, the emotional labor of change still falls on those already doing the most accommodating.
Even with those gaps, this book hits a resonant chord. It names what so many professionals—especially women—feel daily: the quiet exhaustion of pleasing everyone but yourself. And it offers just enough guidance to start choosing authenticity over approval.
Recommendation
If you say yes when you want to say no, stay silent when you have valuable ideas, or apologize for things that aren’t your fault—this one deserves a spot on your desk, not your shelf.
Similar Reads
• The Likeability Trap by Alicia Menendez — where empathy meets assertiveness.
• Radical Candor by Kim Scott — models clear, caring communication.
• Dare to Lead by Brené Brown — builds courage and healthy boundaries.
• Invisible Women by Caroline Criado Perez — systemic bias behind individual struggle.
Authorship Note: This review was co-authored using a time-saving GPT I built to help structure and refine my thoughts.
March 22, 2023
The end of the book is worth the read. The beginning was just too whiney for me. Yes there are major challenges being a women’s in leadership and in a male oriented field. BUT I have aligned with many allies and sponsors and mentors that have bridged the gaps. I think there is a danger with signaling that the path to success is near impossible - I prefer to be a positive example - not Pollyanna - but realistic and hopeful.
February 19, 2020
It’s a solid book of anecdotal evidence around gender and other discrimination in the workplace, with a few bits of research.
For men, I recommend this after you’ve been through a couple other books like Invisible Women and The Moment of Lift. It gave me a lot of ways to start having conversations with colleagues and she definitely nailed the reality of professional life for most women. Every time I bring it up, women finish her thoughts and statements almost verbatim, despite not knowing the book.
For men, I recommend this after you’ve been through a couple other books like Invisible Women and The Moment of Lift. It gave me a lot of ways to start having conversations with colleagues and she definitely nailed the reality of professional life for most women. Every time I bring it up, women finish her thoughts and statements almost verbatim, despite not knowing the book.
November 18, 2019
It was a pleasant read, I would recommend to women in my workplace. But there is a catch - it spends too much time on stating the problem. Although it has very good point and does cature attention, maybe it would have been better to start to talk about ideas on possible solutions a bit sooner.
Nevertless it was a good read and worth the time.
Nevertless it was a good read and worth the time.
December 29, 2019
The beginning of the book does an excellent job setting up the hurdles women in leadership face. However, the steps to moving forward did not leave me as motivated or encouraged as I had hoped. That may be more of an indication of the gravity of the problem than Ms. Menendez’s writing though.
December 14, 2019
A must read. It’s less self-helpy than it sounds. A lot of good info on structural inequality and some reasons why individual fixes won’t help.
June 4, 2021
An expose on the experiences women face in the workplace/public eye: choosing between being perceived as likeable (warm and, therefore, weak) or ambitious (strong, and therefore, cold and calculating). Menendez uses psychological studies, stories from women, and her own experiences to show the delicate balance that women must face as leaders. She does include advice for individuals and organizations to challenge these unconscious biases against women and champion women in leadership roles.
The tone of the book was very casual (and therefore approachable), but it did feel incredibly repetitive (probably because everything Menendez was writing is something I had personally experienced). Everyone should read Part II of the book, which outlines ways to change societal expectations of women. I also admire Menendez's commitment to seeing and caring about all women in the workplace, including black women, Asian women, Latinx women, and LGBTQ+ women.
The tone of the book was very casual (and therefore approachable), but it did feel incredibly repetitive (probably because everything Menendez was writing is something I had personally experienced). Everyone should read Part II of the book, which outlines ways to change societal expectations of women. I also admire Menendez's commitment to seeing and caring about all women in the workplace, including black women, Asian women, Latinx women, and LGBTQ+ women.
October 5, 2025
This has been on my shelf for a while and as a self-help obsessed woman in a male dominated field, I hoped it would be a smash for me. Unfortunately, I think this is mainly treading familiar ground. Menendez’s experience in journalism is interesting and her speaking about this concept in such a public-facing role is important. But I do think this could have been stronger with a co-writer who had more experience in a psych field or gender studies. I just didn’t find there to be a ton of actionable advise which, to her credit, Menendez says she isn’t aiming to do. I think this book exists more to make women feel seen in this struggle. And it’s been out for a while now, so it was probably perfect 10 years ago for that purpose. But I’m ready for the next step, what do I do now that I know these issues exist. I hope Menendez keeps digging into this because she has the stature to spread the message wide.
January 19, 2022
I don't think there's anything particularly revolutionary in this book, but I got a lot of good things out of it, and am giving myself homework accordingly. What patterns have I bought into and am perpetuating, and how can I work against those both for myself and/or my staff and other young professionals? I do not consider myself an ambitious person, but I AM incredibly motivated to do good work and have high expectations, and I'm analyzing what that means in this context. (I am also not considered particularly nice in my personal life - Ask Steve what my dad said to him when he told my parents he'd be proposing to me - so maybe I'm already halfway to not caring about likability.)
March 8, 2020
Book doesn't say this in the title or back cover (although in the description) but heads up this book is about FEMALE likeability.
Lots of stories. Slow in the middle, picked up toward the end with modern stories about Hillary Clinton and Ellen Pao. Would have liked more straightforward advice in the book but you need to make your own decisions and judgments being a women in today's world :) . The book sets you well up to understand your own judgment, things to look out for in today's world and how to navigate it.
Lots of stories. Slow in the middle, picked up toward the end with modern stories about Hillary Clinton and Ellen Pao. Would have liked more straightforward advice in the book but you need to make your own decisions and judgments being a women in today's world :) . The book sets you well up to understand your own judgment, things to look out for in today's world and how to navigate it.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
December 12, 2022
I went into this book hoping to get insight and tips on how to overcome the likability trap. Instead, I ended up skipping through the first 9 chapters because it was all redundant facts about how assertive, Opinionated, strong women are disliked in the workplace – we’ve been knowing that for quite some time now.
December 28, 2022
1.5/5 I found this repetitive and unremarkable but perhaps that's because I was already aware of a lot of the ideas the author discusses? It was an easy read & worked well in audiobook format too,so perhaps for someone brand new to the concept it would be an enjoyable introduction to the topic?
December 20, 2020
Some good points but didn’t grip my attention.
February 12, 2024
Galssss why are we like this?
April 18, 2021
Takeaways:
Likeability is a widespread cultural measure of a woman’s value, but it’s also a quality people perceive as diminishing her ability to lead.
Caring less what other people think of you is no solution to the likeability trap.
The trap is more destructive for women whose identities don’t align with the dominant culture.
Women’s ambition carries a likeability penalty – even though the desire to serve others often motivates that ambition.
The likeability trap catches women in politics, only more publicly.
Social media raise the stakes on likeability and authenticity. Decide how much to share.
People tend to discount and disrespect women who display anger unless they explain in the moment what made them angry.
Navigating the narrow parameters of likeability exacts an emotional cost.
Companies should move away from focusing on likeability as the primary requirement for women in the workplace.
Women can’t escape the likeability trap alone. Organizational and cultural change is essential.
Summary:
Likeability is a widespread cultural measure of a woman’s value, but it’s also a quality people perceive as diminishing her ability to lead.
Warmth, the primary attribute of likeability in women, reads as weakness in the male-dominated business world. Yet, the more a woman demonstrates strength, the more that world perceives her as unlikeable.
Authenticity is essential to likeability and effective leadership, but these demands compete, and juggling them puts women in a bind – making them feel that if they come as they are, they will be either inadequate or too much. The requirement to present yourself authenticity is even more challenging for those whose identities don’t align with the majority culture.
Even the most capable woman will have her leadership capabilities questioned if her warmth overshadows her strength.
The more a woman succeeds in her field, the less likeable she becomes. Asking for promotions, negotiating or claiming the achievements she has earned – all make other people like a woman less. The more successful she becomes, the higher she rises, the more others think negatively about her. They assume she is cold, her motives are dubious and her methods are underhanded.
Caring less what other people think of you is no solution to the likeability trap.
You can’t “make people like you.” You can behave in positive ways – demonstrating compassion, curiosity and friendliness – but you have no control over how people will perceive your actions. Cultural expectations and stereotypes around gender, race and ethnicity saturate perceptions of likeability. People have biases in favor of those they see as similar to them – this is “in-group bias.” Implicit bias often determines who people think “fits in” and who gains advancement in an organization, but decision makers often express their rationale as a subjective sense of likeability.
The solution to the likeability trap is not to just decide to care less what others think of you. That doesn’t solve the problem, and it falsely suggests that women are solely responsible for changing themselves to accommodate a cultural mandate.
To fully empower women to lead, we have to stop asking women to reimagine themselves and, instead, encourage everyone to reimagine leadership.
Every woman has to decide how important it is to be likeable, authentically true to herself, and committed to her own professional and personal goals. Women should concentrate on working together to resist and reshape the cultural constraints that hold them back. By focusing on the work they get done – and less on how it gets done – women and society can revise and expand the culture’s understanding of the nature of leadership.
The trap is more destructive for women whose identities don’t align with the dominant culture.
Women who seek leadership roles experience competing demands to be likeable and authentic. The result is often an exhausting performance of warmth and authenticity that they curate to be acceptable – but not a genuine expression of a woman’s true self. When women behave in ways that feed into or run counter to their gender, race or ethnicity stereotypes, people tend to perceive them as incompetent or unlikeable. People from the LGBTQ and disabled communities experience similar challenges. Some people think of mothers as less competent and less deserving of employment and equal salaries.
You can be told to bring your whole self to work only to realize what you probably already knew: that your workplace hasn’t done the work necessary to receive you, and so instead you must continue in ways big and small to ‘cover’.
In the United States, 50% of employees say they minimize some aspect of their identities to avoid stereotyping and workplace bias. This constant vigilance and emotional labor saps energy they could otherwise spend doing great work.
Women’s ambition carries a likeability penalty – even though the desire to serve others often motivates that ambition.
The “Success Penalty” for women – becoming less likeable – sets in before a woman succeeds. It begins when she tries to be successful. Onlookers often see women’s ambition – and the actions it prompts – as a demerit. When a competent woman applies for a position, she may find that the hiring criteria become less about essential skills and more about social presentation.
This isn’t about you…You are not alone…You don’t need to change…the system does.
When women take credit for their achievements – an essential form of self-promotion for aspiring leaders – people consider them insufficiently modest and less likeable, and thus they are less likely to win jobs. Negotiating for better salary and contract terms makes women less likeable and more apt to experience rejection. Women who ask for what they want pay a penalty for their brazenness. Acting entitled to equal treatment and behaving in a “dominant” way makes them less likeable.
Ambition, despite its more negative connotation for women, is an indicator of resilience. Black women are more likely to be unapologetically ambitious. Given current biases, they can’t afford to be wishy-washy about their goals. They see leadership as an opportunity to reshape how their field does business, to exert influence on others in positions of authority, and to empower themselves and others. One of the most common reasons women give for seeking leadership is the opportunity it provides them to help others.
The likeability trap catches women in politics, only more publicly.
Women in politics experience the same double-binds and paradoxical expectations around likeability as women in the business sector, but their situation is amplified by greater public scrutiny. To win election, women – unlike men – must be judged to be likeable and competent.
There is a bias against women who seek power, women who think they have what it takes to lead, and women who take credit for their success.
Confidence is the indicator of that winning combination. The traits that demonstrate confidence include relatability, a self-deprecating sense of humor, the ability to tell stories, and the willingness to both take and share credit for successes. Media evaluations of a female candidate’s appearance make her seem less likeable, credible, confident, qualified and effective, whether the assessment of her looks is favorable or unfavorable. Men suffer no equivalent demerits. Voters want “authenticity.” When women politicians declare themselves fit for office and capable of winning elections, people perceive them as acting selfishly and making “a power grab,” even if public service is their goal.
Social media raise the stakes on likeability and authenticity. Decide how much to share.
The performative nature of social media platforms compounds the challenge of authenticity. Women with prominent public profiles must develop a tough skin for criticism. Women with a high profile on social media are liable to be the targets of abuse and trolling, often in a sexually and physically threatening manner.
If anything, realizing that the deck was stacked against them, most women became more comfortable just being themselves.
Social media reward people for showing only those parts of themselves they believe will garner “likes” and “shares.” For a lucky few, salient aspects of their personalities translate well into videos and tweets. That makes them relatable to a sizable audience. But for most people, especially women, being one’s true self in the social media sphere is risky. In her human imperfection, a woman can provide endless fuel for haters. Each woman must negotiate this trade-off. You can choose to be genuine in the parts of yourself you put into the public sphere while revealing your full private self only to those you love and trust. If you need to and are able to, create breathing space between your publicly shared self and your private life.
People tend to discount and disrespect women who display anger unless they explain in the moment what made them angry.
Women who express anger in the workplace are often punished with reputations for being less competent. People more often attribute women’s anger to innate character or mood, and see men’s rage as a response to an external situation. The conclusion becomes that an angry women is out of control. To overcome this bias, women must deliberately state, in the moment, what aspect of the circumstances triggered their anger.
Most of us want to be liked, but I think women feel a special pressure to be pleasant and accommodating.…Sometimes it’s more important to be respected than to be liked.” – Carly Fiorina
Men’s anger can lend a greater aura of competence, potency and persuasiveness. An angry woman’s persuasiveness often diminishes. The prevailing culture condones men’s anger in a way that it does not accept women’s anger.
Navigating the narrow parameters of likeability exacts an emotional cost.
The constant need to evaluate what others are thinking about you leads to overthinking about other people’s perceptions. Detaching from caring too much about what others think of you takes time and practice. Focus on taking care of and being generous with yourself. Give yourself permission to be authentic in your personal life. Surround yourself with people who support and love you for who you truly are.
The world will always supply enough critics, so do not be your own worst critic.” – Arianna Huffington
In the workplace, ask for concrete, specific feedback. Request that any criticism focuses on matters that affect your work. When you encounter a negative label or critique, ask “compared to whom?” Find a sponsor who actively advocates for you, defends you and connects you to people who can help you advance. Seek a powerful ally with shared strategic interests. Know your worth and know when to move on; sometimes leaving an unhealthy environment is your best option. Look for a professional setting that values you and treats you well.
Companies should move away from focusing on likeability as the primary requirement for women in the workplace.
Effective leadership marries steadiness with openness and emotional intelligence. This requires self-awareness and an accurate, dispassionate assessment of how you affect other people. To make it more likely that your colleagues will value and respect you, act with integrity. When you offer clarity and accountability, you will be more “relatable” because others will understand the motives behind your decisions. Cultivate relationships with people who can advocate for you, and who will champion your initiatives and publicize your achievements. Remember that the person whose good opinion matters most is you.
We need to reconsider what this emphasis on likeability and its narrow definition is costing us.
The requirement to put likeability ahead of all other leadership qualities genuinely harms women. It drains energy from the skills women could be learning and the constructive professional relationships they could be fostering. In a future economy where AI dominates, the uniquely human qualities of creativity, collaboration in diversity, and empathetic communication – leadership styles frequently attributed to women – will be essential.
Women can’t escape the likeability trap alone. Organizational and cultural change is essential.
Women can use what power they have to make sure that they don’t perpetuate the problem. They can work together to call an employers’ attention to the ways that likeability is a cover for bias. To that end, promote and champion the good work of the women around you. Business policies should set standards for and encourage sponsorship. Performance review practices must prioritize results over matters of leadership style and likeability. Evaluations should consider concrete objectives and use critiques that show how specific behaviors led to particular outcomes. Rather than providing feedback only at annual reviews, managers should give it more frequently, gather data more regularly, and develop a broader view of an employee’s performance with feedback from her colleagues, clients and peers, not only her manager.
Create “a culture where women are seen by others as leaders, see themselves as leaders and are given opportunities to lead, just as they are.
White male managers can hire for diversity without penalty. Women and minority managers are perceived as less competent when they hire people like themselves. Yet, companies benefit from teams with diverse members who feel free to be themselves, offer a variety of perspectives, and cultivate increased creativity and innovation.
Likeability is a widespread cultural measure of a woman’s value, but it’s also a quality people perceive as diminishing her ability to lead.
Caring less what other people think of you is no solution to the likeability trap.
The trap is more destructive for women whose identities don’t align with the dominant culture.
Women’s ambition carries a likeability penalty – even though the desire to serve others often motivates that ambition.
The likeability trap catches women in politics, only more publicly.
Social media raise the stakes on likeability and authenticity. Decide how much to share.
People tend to discount and disrespect women who display anger unless they explain in the moment what made them angry.
Navigating the narrow parameters of likeability exacts an emotional cost.
Companies should move away from focusing on likeability as the primary requirement for women in the workplace.
Women can’t escape the likeability trap alone. Organizational and cultural change is essential.
Summary:
Likeability is a widespread cultural measure of a woman’s value, but it’s also a quality people perceive as diminishing her ability to lead.
Warmth, the primary attribute of likeability in women, reads as weakness in the male-dominated business world. Yet, the more a woman demonstrates strength, the more that world perceives her as unlikeable.
Authenticity is essential to likeability and effective leadership, but these demands compete, and juggling them puts women in a bind – making them feel that if they come as they are, they will be either inadequate or too much. The requirement to present yourself authenticity is even more challenging for those whose identities don’t align with the majority culture.
Even the most capable woman will have her leadership capabilities questioned if her warmth overshadows her strength.
The more a woman succeeds in her field, the less likeable she becomes. Asking for promotions, negotiating or claiming the achievements she has earned – all make other people like a woman less. The more successful she becomes, the higher she rises, the more others think negatively about her. They assume she is cold, her motives are dubious and her methods are underhanded.
Caring less what other people think of you is no solution to the likeability trap.
You can’t “make people like you.” You can behave in positive ways – demonstrating compassion, curiosity and friendliness – but you have no control over how people will perceive your actions. Cultural expectations and stereotypes around gender, race and ethnicity saturate perceptions of likeability. People have biases in favor of those they see as similar to them – this is “in-group bias.” Implicit bias often determines who people think “fits in” and who gains advancement in an organization, but decision makers often express their rationale as a subjective sense of likeability.
The solution to the likeability trap is not to just decide to care less what others think of you. That doesn’t solve the problem, and it falsely suggests that women are solely responsible for changing themselves to accommodate a cultural mandate.
To fully empower women to lead, we have to stop asking women to reimagine themselves and, instead, encourage everyone to reimagine leadership.
Every woman has to decide how important it is to be likeable, authentically true to herself, and committed to her own professional and personal goals. Women should concentrate on working together to resist and reshape the cultural constraints that hold them back. By focusing on the work they get done – and less on how it gets done – women and society can revise and expand the culture’s understanding of the nature of leadership.
The trap is more destructive for women whose identities don’t align with the dominant culture.
Women who seek leadership roles experience competing demands to be likeable and authentic. The result is often an exhausting performance of warmth and authenticity that they curate to be acceptable – but not a genuine expression of a woman’s true self. When women behave in ways that feed into or run counter to their gender, race or ethnicity stereotypes, people tend to perceive them as incompetent or unlikeable. People from the LGBTQ and disabled communities experience similar challenges. Some people think of mothers as less competent and less deserving of employment and equal salaries.
You can be told to bring your whole self to work only to realize what you probably already knew: that your workplace hasn’t done the work necessary to receive you, and so instead you must continue in ways big and small to ‘cover’.
In the United States, 50% of employees say they minimize some aspect of their identities to avoid stereotyping and workplace bias. This constant vigilance and emotional labor saps energy they could otherwise spend doing great work.
Women’s ambition carries a likeability penalty – even though the desire to serve others often motivates that ambition.
The “Success Penalty” for women – becoming less likeable – sets in before a woman succeeds. It begins when she tries to be successful. Onlookers often see women’s ambition – and the actions it prompts – as a demerit. When a competent woman applies for a position, she may find that the hiring criteria become less about essential skills and more about social presentation.
This isn’t about you…You are not alone…You don’t need to change…the system does.
When women take credit for their achievements – an essential form of self-promotion for aspiring leaders – people consider them insufficiently modest and less likeable, and thus they are less likely to win jobs. Negotiating for better salary and contract terms makes women less likeable and more apt to experience rejection. Women who ask for what they want pay a penalty for their brazenness. Acting entitled to equal treatment and behaving in a “dominant” way makes them less likeable.
Ambition, despite its more negative connotation for women, is an indicator of resilience. Black women are more likely to be unapologetically ambitious. Given current biases, they can’t afford to be wishy-washy about their goals. They see leadership as an opportunity to reshape how their field does business, to exert influence on others in positions of authority, and to empower themselves and others. One of the most common reasons women give for seeking leadership is the opportunity it provides them to help others.
The likeability trap catches women in politics, only more publicly.
Women in politics experience the same double-binds and paradoxical expectations around likeability as women in the business sector, but their situation is amplified by greater public scrutiny. To win election, women – unlike men – must be judged to be likeable and competent.
There is a bias against women who seek power, women who think they have what it takes to lead, and women who take credit for their success.
Confidence is the indicator of that winning combination. The traits that demonstrate confidence include relatability, a self-deprecating sense of humor, the ability to tell stories, and the willingness to both take and share credit for successes. Media evaluations of a female candidate’s appearance make her seem less likeable, credible, confident, qualified and effective, whether the assessment of her looks is favorable or unfavorable. Men suffer no equivalent demerits. Voters want “authenticity.” When women politicians declare themselves fit for office and capable of winning elections, people perceive them as acting selfishly and making “a power grab,” even if public service is their goal.
Social media raise the stakes on likeability and authenticity. Decide how much to share.
The performative nature of social media platforms compounds the challenge of authenticity. Women with prominent public profiles must develop a tough skin for criticism. Women with a high profile on social media are liable to be the targets of abuse and trolling, often in a sexually and physically threatening manner.
If anything, realizing that the deck was stacked against them, most women became more comfortable just being themselves.
Social media reward people for showing only those parts of themselves they believe will garner “likes” and “shares.” For a lucky few, salient aspects of their personalities translate well into videos and tweets. That makes them relatable to a sizable audience. But for most people, especially women, being one’s true self in the social media sphere is risky. In her human imperfection, a woman can provide endless fuel for haters. Each woman must negotiate this trade-off. You can choose to be genuine in the parts of yourself you put into the public sphere while revealing your full private self only to those you love and trust. If you need to and are able to, create breathing space between your publicly shared self and your private life.
People tend to discount and disrespect women who display anger unless they explain in the moment what made them angry.
Women who express anger in the workplace are often punished with reputations for being less competent. People more often attribute women’s anger to innate character or mood, and see men’s rage as a response to an external situation. The conclusion becomes that an angry women is out of control. To overcome this bias, women must deliberately state, in the moment, what aspect of the circumstances triggered their anger.
Most of us want to be liked, but I think women feel a special pressure to be pleasant and accommodating.…Sometimes it’s more important to be respected than to be liked.” – Carly Fiorina
Men’s anger can lend a greater aura of competence, potency and persuasiveness. An angry woman’s persuasiveness often diminishes. The prevailing culture condones men’s anger in a way that it does not accept women’s anger.
Navigating the narrow parameters of likeability exacts an emotional cost.
The constant need to evaluate what others are thinking about you leads to overthinking about other people’s perceptions. Detaching from caring too much about what others think of you takes time and practice. Focus on taking care of and being generous with yourself. Give yourself permission to be authentic in your personal life. Surround yourself with people who support and love you for who you truly are.
The world will always supply enough critics, so do not be your own worst critic.” – Arianna Huffington
In the workplace, ask for concrete, specific feedback. Request that any criticism focuses on matters that affect your work. When you encounter a negative label or critique, ask “compared to whom?” Find a sponsor who actively advocates for you, defends you and connects you to people who can help you advance. Seek a powerful ally with shared strategic interests. Know your worth and know when to move on; sometimes leaving an unhealthy environment is your best option. Look for a professional setting that values you and treats you well.
Companies should move away from focusing on likeability as the primary requirement for women in the workplace.
Effective leadership marries steadiness with openness and emotional intelligence. This requires self-awareness and an accurate, dispassionate assessment of how you affect other people. To make it more likely that your colleagues will value and respect you, act with integrity. When you offer clarity and accountability, you will be more “relatable” because others will understand the motives behind your decisions. Cultivate relationships with people who can advocate for you, and who will champion your initiatives and publicize your achievements. Remember that the person whose good opinion matters most is you.
We need to reconsider what this emphasis on likeability and its narrow definition is costing us.
The requirement to put likeability ahead of all other leadership qualities genuinely harms women. It drains energy from the skills women could be learning and the constructive professional relationships they could be fostering. In a future economy where AI dominates, the uniquely human qualities of creativity, collaboration in diversity, and empathetic communication – leadership styles frequently attributed to women – will be essential.
Women can’t escape the likeability trap alone. Organizational and cultural change is essential.
Women can use what power they have to make sure that they don’t perpetuate the problem. They can work together to call an employers’ attention to the ways that likeability is a cover for bias. To that end, promote and champion the good work of the women around you. Business policies should set standards for and encourage sponsorship. Performance review practices must prioritize results over matters of leadership style and likeability. Evaluations should consider concrete objectives and use critiques that show how specific behaviors led to particular outcomes. Rather than providing feedback only at annual reviews, managers should give it more frequently, gather data more regularly, and develop a broader view of an employee’s performance with feedback from her colleagues, clients and peers, not only her manager.
Create “a culture where women are seen by others as leaders, see themselves as leaders and are given opportunities to lead, just as they are.
White male managers can hire for diversity without penalty. Women and minority managers are perceived as less competent when they hire people like themselves. Yet, companies benefit from teams with diverse members who feel free to be themselves, offer a variety of perspectives, and cultivate increased creativity and innovation.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 20, 2025
maybe it’s because i’m also in the middle of reading Lean on Me: A Politics of Radical Care by Lynne Segal (and having just read Feminism for the 99% by Cinzia Arruzza), but i don’t want to fight for a future where women can be rude and act similarly to men in the workplace. i want men to be held to higher standards of care and kindness and develop a better world. there are definite concrete things women can do to reframe how/why many of us desire to be liked that are beneficial but i felt like this book mainly focused on workplace behavior and perceptions that i did not resonate with
Read
August 26, 2021A bit too simple, wish the author dup deeper into some of the concepts she explored. Explores the biases within ourself and organizations we work for, and includes a few good snippets of advice.
February 9, 2020
Loved it. Should be required reading for every manager.
Read
November 5, 2025"The Likeability Trap: How to Break Free and Own Your Worth" by Alicia Menendez explores one of the most pervasive struggles in professional and personal life: the compulsion to be liked at all costs. It unpacks how this deeply ingrained behavior - often mistaken for kindness or teamwork - can quietly sabotage your confidence, authority, and relationships. The book follows the journey of people who constantly say yes, apologize unnecessarily, and silence their ideas to avoid conflict, revealing how this habit not only drains them but also erodes the respect they seek. Menendez’s message is clear: true leadership and fulfillment arise not from universal approval, but from authenticity, clear boundaries, and honest self-expression.
The likeability trap begins innocently. Many professionals learn early that cooperation and agreeableness win approval, especially in group settings. But over time, these traits can morph into avoidance of any behavior that might risk disapproval. The result is a distorted form of communication where people suppress their genuine opinions, dilute their ideas, and overextend themselves in pursuit of harmony. Through the example of Priya, a conscientious employee who stays silent during a strategy meeting despite knowing the project timeline is unrealistic, Menendez illustrates how people-pleasing has real-world consequences. Priya’s silence, meant to preserve goodwill, ends up contributing to a preventable failure. This moment captures the paradox at the heart of the likeability trap: in trying to appear easygoing and supportive, you often become less effective and less respected.
The book delves into the psychology of this behavior. People-pleasing runs on old mental scripts - beliefs that saying no is selfish, disagreement is rude, and worth depends on approval. These beliefs feel true because they’ve been reinforced over years of social conditioning. They whisper that conflict destroys relationships, that boundaries make you difficult, and that your value lies in pleasing others. Menendez challenges these assumptions, showing that they can be rewritten. The key is separating fact from fear. Most people overestimate the fallout of speaking up or setting limits. In reality, honesty often earns respect, not resentment. When Priya finally voices her concerns in a later meeting, her boss thanks her for her insight and begins to involve her in strategic discussions. Her influence grows precisely because she stops trying to please everyone.
Rewriting this inner script requires small, deliberate steps. Menendez suggests beginning with low-stakes scenarios to practice assertiveness. Express a preference about minor decisions or gently disagree with a trivial suggestion. As you build confidence, these small acts accumulate into a new self-concept - one that values authenticity over approval. You realize that most people respect candor, not compliance, and that the discomfort of saying no fades faster than the resentment of overcommitting. Over time, you begin to experience the quiet power of being straightforward, even when it feels risky.
As the book transitions from awareness to transformation, Menendez emphasizes authenticity as the foundation for all meaningful relationships. The move from people-pleasing to genuine self-expression isn’t easy; it changes the dynamics of your connections. Some people, accustomed to your constant accommodation, may initially react with confusion or resistance. But this friction is a sign of growth. Relationships that cannot withstand your honesty were never truly balanced. Authentic interactions thrive on mutual respect and clear communication. When you express your real thoughts and emotions, you invite others to do the same. The reward is depth, trust, and cooperation grounded in truth rather than performance.
Priya’s continued evolution shows how this transformation unfolds. Once she begins asserting herself and setting limits, her professional relationships deepen. Her colleagues start involving her in complex discussions, valuing her perspective even when it differs from theirs. The team’s work improves as open dialogue replaces silent conformity. What once felt like risky confrontation turns out to be the foundation for genuine collaboration. This shift - from pleasing to contributing - becomes the core of her new leadership style.
However, embracing authenticity isn’t complete without learning to set boundaries that stick. Menendez describes boundaries as the ultimate act of self-respect, not selfishness. Boundaries communicate what you can and cannot give while preserving the energy you need to perform effectively. Vague statements like 'I’m too busy' invite negotiation; clarity like 'That timeline doesn’t work for me' communicates firmness. The most effective boundaries are proactive rather than reactive - set before resentment builds. When Priya faces a high-profile project requiring excessive travel, she pauses before responding, evaluates her priorities, and proposes an alternative plan that balances professional opportunity with personal commitments. Her approach earns her boss’s respect and improves the project’s outcome. This example demonstrates that boundaries can enhance cooperation when expressed with clarity and confidence.
The process of sustaining these new behaviors is perhaps the hardest part of transformation. Old habits resurface under stress or when facing authority figures who exploit compliance. Menendez reminds readers that relapse is not failure - it’s feedback. When you find yourself agreeing against your better judgment or avoiding a difficult conversation, the goal isn’t to feel ashamed but to understand what triggered the regression. By identifying patterns - fatigue, guilt, or fear of conflict - you can strengthen your resilience for next time. Progress is measured not by perfection but by the increasing frequency with which you choose authenticity over appeasement.
Menendez also warns that difficult people will inevitably test your boundaries. Some thrive on control and manipulation, sensing reformed people-pleasers as easy targets. They might guilt-trip, criticize, or question your dedication. Here, preparation and support are essential. Plan your responses in advance, rely on allies who understand your growth, and remind yourself that your self-worth does not hinge on any one person’s approval. For Priya, the arrival of a domineering new director threatens to undo her progress, but she stands her ground by staying calm, consistent, and focused on results rather than emotion. Her steadiness earns the quiet admiration of her peers and proves that integrity withstands pressure better than compliance.
Sustaining change, Menendez argues, also requires community. Having mentors, friends, or peers who validate your growth helps counter the old instinct to conform. Accountability partners can help you notice when you start slipping into apology or overextension. Keeping a journal of moments when you assert yourself - or when you revert - can reveal progress over time. Each moment of self-expression, no matter how small, reinforces a new identity: someone who speaks with clarity, acts with integrity, and respects both their own needs and others’.
In conclusion, "The Likeability Trap: How to Break Free and Own Your Worth" by Alicia Menendez delivers a powerful message for anyone exhausted by the pursuit of approval. It exposes how people-pleasing behaviors erode influence, creativity, and joy while offering a path back to authenticity and strength. By recognizing the trap, rewriting the old scripts of fear, building relationships on honesty, setting firm boundaries, and sustaining self-awareness, you can transform from a deferential people-pleaser into a confident, respected leader. The journey isn’t about rejecting kindness - it’s about redefining it. True likability, Menendez reminds us, comes not from being agreeable but from being real. And in that authenticity lies not only your worth, but also your greatest power.
The likeability trap begins innocently. Many professionals learn early that cooperation and agreeableness win approval, especially in group settings. But over time, these traits can morph into avoidance of any behavior that might risk disapproval. The result is a distorted form of communication where people suppress their genuine opinions, dilute their ideas, and overextend themselves in pursuit of harmony. Through the example of Priya, a conscientious employee who stays silent during a strategy meeting despite knowing the project timeline is unrealistic, Menendez illustrates how people-pleasing has real-world consequences. Priya’s silence, meant to preserve goodwill, ends up contributing to a preventable failure. This moment captures the paradox at the heart of the likeability trap: in trying to appear easygoing and supportive, you often become less effective and less respected.
The book delves into the psychology of this behavior. People-pleasing runs on old mental scripts - beliefs that saying no is selfish, disagreement is rude, and worth depends on approval. These beliefs feel true because they’ve been reinforced over years of social conditioning. They whisper that conflict destroys relationships, that boundaries make you difficult, and that your value lies in pleasing others. Menendez challenges these assumptions, showing that they can be rewritten. The key is separating fact from fear. Most people overestimate the fallout of speaking up or setting limits. In reality, honesty often earns respect, not resentment. When Priya finally voices her concerns in a later meeting, her boss thanks her for her insight and begins to involve her in strategic discussions. Her influence grows precisely because she stops trying to please everyone.
Rewriting this inner script requires small, deliberate steps. Menendez suggests beginning with low-stakes scenarios to practice assertiveness. Express a preference about minor decisions or gently disagree with a trivial suggestion. As you build confidence, these small acts accumulate into a new self-concept - one that values authenticity over approval. You realize that most people respect candor, not compliance, and that the discomfort of saying no fades faster than the resentment of overcommitting. Over time, you begin to experience the quiet power of being straightforward, even when it feels risky.
As the book transitions from awareness to transformation, Menendez emphasizes authenticity as the foundation for all meaningful relationships. The move from people-pleasing to genuine self-expression isn’t easy; it changes the dynamics of your connections. Some people, accustomed to your constant accommodation, may initially react with confusion or resistance. But this friction is a sign of growth. Relationships that cannot withstand your honesty were never truly balanced. Authentic interactions thrive on mutual respect and clear communication. When you express your real thoughts and emotions, you invite others to do the same. The reward is depth, trust, and cooperation grounded in truth rather than performance.
Priya’s continued evolution shows how this transformation unfolds. Once she begins asserting herself and setting limits, her professional relationships deepen. Her colleagues start involving her in complex discussions, valuing her perspective even when it differs from theirs. The team’s work improves as open dialogue replaces silent conformity. What once felt like risky confrontation turns out to be the foundation for genuine collaboration. This shift - from pleasing to contributing - becomes the core of her new leadership style.
However, embracing authenticity isn’t complete without learning to set boundaries that stick. Menendez describes boundaries as the ultimate act of self-respect, not selfishness. Boundaries communicate what you can and cannot give while preserving the energy you need to perform effectively. Vague statements like 'I’m too busy' invite negotiation; clarity like 'That timeline doesn’t work for me' communicates firmness. The most effective boundaries are proactive rather than reactive - set before resentment builds. When Priya faces a high-profile project requiring excessive travel, she pauses before responding, evaluates her priorities, and proposes an alternative plan that balances professional opportunity with personal commitments. Her approach earns her boss’s respect and improves the project’s outcome. This example demonstrates that boundaries can enhance cooperation when expressed with clarity and confidence.
The process of sustaining these new behaviors is perhaps the hardest part of transformation. Old habits resurface under stress or when facing authority figures who exploit compliance. Menendez reminds readers that relapse is not failure - it’s feedback. When you find yourself agreeing against your better judgment or avoiding a difficult conversation, the goal isn’t to feel ashamed but to understand what triggered the regression. By identifying patterns - fatigue, guilt, or fear of conflict - you can strengthen your resilience for next time. Progress is measured not by perfection but by the increasing frequency with which you choose authenticity over appeasement.
Menendez also warns that difficult people will inevitably test your boundaries. Some thrive on control and manipulation, sensing reformed people-pleasers as easy targets. They might guilt-trip, criticize, or question your dedication. Here, preparation and support are essential. Plan your responses in advance, rely on allies who understand your growth, and remind yourself that your self-worth does not hinge on any one person’s approval. For Priya, the arrival of a domineering new director threatens to undo her progress, but she stands her ground by staying calm, consistent, and focused on results rather than emotion. Her steadiness earns the quiet admiration of her peers and proves that integrity withstands pressure better than compliance.
Sustaining change, Menendez argues, also requires community. Having mentors, friends, or peers who validate your growth helps counter the old instinct to conform. Accountability partners can help you notice when you start slipping into apology or overextension. Keeping a journal of moments when you assert yourself - or when you revert - can reveal progress over time. Each moment of self-expression, no matter how small, reinforces a new identity: someone who speaks with clarity, acts with integrity, and respects both their own needs and others’.
In conclusion, "The Likeability Trap: How to Break Free and Own Your Worth" by Alicia Menendez delivers a powerful message for anyone exhausted by the pursuit of approval. It exposes how people-pleasing behaviors erode influence, creativity, and joy while offering a path back to authenticity and strength. By recognizing the trap, rewriting the old scripts of fear, building relationships on honesty, setting firm boundaries, and sustaining self-awareness, you can transform from a deferential people-pleaser into a confident, respected leader. The journey isn’t about rejecting kindness - it’s about redefining it. True likability, Menendez reminds us, comes not from being agreeable but from being real. And in that authenticity lies not only your worth, but also your greatest power.
May 6, 2021
I was looking for a book to help me feel sane and seen. This was the book. As the only female in the production division at a manufacturing company and currently a mid level manager, I felt like things that were said and done were biased but never so outrightly so that I could do anything about it. I wondered if I was reading into things or making up situations/confrontation that didn't happen. This book made me feel seen. Like... really seen. This book felt like a punch to the gut because I lived so many of these interactions. However, it also made me feel validated and vindicated. I know other readers critiqued it because it doesn't become a step by step guide on how to play the game. But I didn't need it to. Nor was I wanting that. I needed it to be a book to give me peace of mind. It gave me statistical references to prove my observations, and made me more aware of the community of women working hard to break those boundaries. I enjoyed it greatly.
April 19, 2020
The purpose I had in reading this book was that I wanted to gain some insight into what at least one kind of issue women deal with in a corporate space that was recently written.
This book taught me that corporate women like Menendez really are overly privileged toots if likability in the workplace is the worst of their problems to deal with. Or actually, a better way to put this is, why has this become such a central problem for women in the first place to warrant a 200 page book on the subject?
Instead, the book focuses on giving far too many examples of people crappy workplace cultures and not enough substance on how to change these workplaces, and culture at large, in the workspace environment.
By the way, using examples such as Hillary Clinton and Carly Fiorina is hilarious. Anyone saying they failed in high positions because they weren't "likable" enough is not only outright false, and it places the blame in the wrong location.
Anyone can look at the record they created in the spaces they worked to see why they were rejected in the presidential primaries by society at large. This has nothing to do with them being women, and everything to do with the results in their line of work to be awful. Many people suffered due to their choices while they held positions of power.
Maybe this is why I didn't do well in corporate environments in the past when I did hold those kinds of jobs. Honestly now with a pandemic hitting our world, workers of all stripes are starting wildcat strikes. This will probably do more to create a better playing field in all kinds of workplaces. I can only hope that we have a more equitable corporate environment at some point in the future.
In the meantime, being told how to play the game better as a solution is not really a good one. Of course, saying as such might actually hurt what little power Menendez has seized for herself in the corporo-sphere. Can't afford to knock that applecart over, ya know?
One thing I did learn is that I never should regret having left this nonsense years ago.
This book taught me that corporate women like Menendez really are overly privileged toots if likability in the workplace is the worst of their problems to deal with. Or actually, a better way to put this is, why has this become such a central problem for women in the first place to warrant a 200 page book on the subject?
Instead, the book focuses on giving far too many examples of people crappy workplace cultures and not enough substance on how to change these workplaces, and culture at large, in the workspace environment.
By the way, using examples such as Hillary Clinton and Carly Fiorina is hilarious. Anyone saying they failed in high positions because they weren't "likable" enough is not only outright false, and it places the blame in the wrong location.
Anyone can look at the record they created in the spaces they worked to see why they were rejected in the presidential primaries by society at large. This has nothing to do with them being women, and everything to do with the results in their line of work to be awful. Many people suffered due to their choices while they held positions of power.
Maybe this is why I didn't do well in corporate environments in the past when I did hold those kinds of jobs. Honestly now with a pandemic hitting our world, workers of all stripes are starting wildcat strikes. This will probably do more to create a better playing field in all kinds of workplaces. I can only hope that we have a more equitable corporate environment at some point in the future.
In the meantime, being told how to play the game better as a solution is not really a good one. Of course, saying as such might actually hurt what little power Menendez has seized for herself in the corporo-sphere. Can't afford to knock that applecart over, ya know?
One thing I did learn is that I never should regret having left this nonsense years ago.
August 13, 2020
There is a lot of potential here.
My father bought this book for me after seeing a review on TV. I asked, is this because I care about being liked? His answer, in short, I’m very nice and he is afraid of people taking advantage of that at work. Fair concern. Ok- so based on that conversation, this book was not what I thought I was getting myself into.
The first part of this book describes every possible discrimination women and minorities face in the workplace with a little research sprinkled in. To read that back-to-back-to-back is demoralizing and depressing.
The second part of this book offers anecdotal success stories of women overcoming the seemingly impossible likeability conundrum. It leaves you feeling more inspired and motivated, but offers no real advice other than begin to advocate for yourself and champion for other women and minorities.
The potential here is bringing awareness to these issues and workplace traps. What I would have loved to have read more of - How to have these hard conversations in the workplace? How to effectively and professionally bring awareness to unconscious bias?
My father bought this book for me after seeing a review on TV. I asked, is this because I care about being liked? His answer, in short, I’m very nice and he is afraid of people taking advantage of that at work. Fair concern. Ok- so based on that conversation, this book was not what I thought I was getting myself into.
The first part of this book describes every possible discrimination women and minorities face in the workplace with a little research sprinkled in. To read that back-to-back-to-back is demoralizing and depressing.
The second part of this book offers anecdotal success stories of women overcoming the seemingly impossible likeability conundrum. It leaves you feeling more inspired and motivated, but offers no real advice other than begin to advocate for yourself and champion for other women and minorities.
The potential here is bringing awareness to these issues and workplace traps. What I would have loved to have read more of - How to have these hard conversations in the workplace? How to effectively and professionally bring awareness to unconscious bias?
December 5, 2020
“The Likability Trap” helped me realize I wasn’t going crazy. As a partner, a director of design and an Affiliate Assistant Professor, I couldn’t figure out why leading by example *as me* - someone who makes decisive decisions, with intensity and strength was valued in some ways but so scrutinized and judged in others? I thought if I did more of what was being asked of me as a leader it would fix things. It didn’t fix anything. I struggle (still struggle) with staff morale and finding ways for healthier working relationships. As a problem solver, I googled and searched for some answers. I found “The Likability Trap.” It showed me what I honestly believe is in part behind the friction I am experiencing. It may not have solved all my problems by it cast a light on the social expectations as a woman leader and offered day to day practical advice on the words we use to describe leaders like me - while not blaming me for who I am or simply telling me to be more likable. When teaching I have often told the women in the studio: “When you “lean in” be prepared to get hit in the jaw. I didn’t have any great advice for what happened after. Now I do. Thank you for writing this!
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