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Consent: A Memoir of Unwanted Attention
In this "compelling and disturbing" true story (Rebecca Traister), a young woman's toxic mentor develops a dark, stalking obsession that disrupts her career -- and her peace of mind.
Donna Freitas has lived two lives. In one life, she is a well-published author and respected scholar who has traveled around the country speaking about Title IX, consent, religion, and sex on college campuses. In the other, she is a victim, a woman who suffered and suffers still because she was stalked by her graduate professor for more than two years.
As a doctoral candidate, Freitas loved asking big questions, challenging established theories and sinking her teeth into sacred texts. She felt at home in the library, and safe in the book-lined offices of scholars whom she admired. But during her first year, one particular scholar became obsessed with Freitas' academic enthusiasm. He filled her student mailbox with letters and articles. He lurked on the sidewalk outside her apartment. He called daily and left nagging voicemails. He befriended her mother, and made himself comfortable in her family's home. He wouldn't go away. While his attraction was not overtly sexual, it was undeniably inappropriate, and most importantly--unwanted.
In A Memoir of Unwanted Attention , Donna Freitas delivers a forensic examination of the years she spent stalked by her professor, and uses her nightmarish experience to examine the ways in which we stigmatize, debate, and attempt to understand consent today.
Donna Freitas has lived two lives. In one life, she is a well-published author and respected scholar who has traveled around the country speaking about Title IX, consent, religion, and sex on college campuses. In the other, she is a victim, a woman who suffered and suffers still because she was stalked by her graduate professor for more than two years.
As a doctoral candidate, Freitas loved asking big questions, challenging established theories and sinking her teeth into sacred texts. She felt at home in the library, and safe in the book-lined offices of scholars whom she admired. But during her first year, one particular scholar became obsessed with Freitas' academic enthusiasm. He filled her student mailbox with letters and articles. He lurked on the sidewalk outside her apartment. He called daily and left nagging voicemails. He befriended her mother, and made himself comfortable in her family's home. He wouldn't go away. While his attraction was not overtly sexual, it was undeniably inappropriate, and most importantly--unwanted.
In A Memoir of Unwanted Attention , Donna Freitas delivers a forensic examination of the years she spent stalked by her professor, and uses her nightmarish experience to examine the ways in which we stigmatize, debate, and attempt to understand consent today.
336 pages, Hardcover
First published August 13, 2019
66 people are currently reading
5354 people want to read
About the author
Donna Freitas
34 books631 followersDonna Freitas is the author of The Nine Lives of Rose Napolitano, Consent: A Memoir of Unwanted Attention, and many other novels and nonfiction books for adults, children, and young adults. Her latest YA novel is a rom-com that takes place in her favorite city, Barcelona: Stefi and the Spanish Prince. She has been featured on NPR and The Today Show, and her writing has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, and The LA Times, among many other places. Donna currently serves on the faculty at Fairleigh Dickinson University’s MFA program. She also lives half the year in Barcelona where she loves partaking of its many bakeries and delicious restaurants galore. Learn more about Donna at www.donnafreitas.com and on Substack: https://donnafreitas.substack.com.
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December 6, 2022
خواندنش سخته. خیلی سخت و باید هم باشه. باید بین صفحههاش گاهی احساس کنی که هوا بهت نمیرسه و گیر افتادی. چون رابطهای که توصیف می کنه دقیقا همینطوره. رابطهای که بدون اینکه بخوای واردش میشی و گاهی انقدر دیر به خودت میای، انقدر دیر انکار رو کنار میگذاری که درهای فرار کوچکتر و کوچکتر میشن
من خوش شانس بودم، ولی "دانا" نه خیلی
سال اول دانشگاه بود. من مشتاق این فرصت جدید بودم، مشتاق یاد گرفتن و دیده شدن. استاد یکی از درسهای تخصصیم بود و اون زمان فکر میکردم حرفی برای گفتن داره. جوری بزرگ شده بودم که اون ظاهر رو هنوز "موجه" و "کم خطر" میدونستم. نرم افزار فقط شروع بحث بود و خیلی زود جاش رو کتابها، فلسفه و اعتقاد گرفت. هنوز اون کلاسهای خالی و چندین ساعت حرف زدن رو یادم میاد، اون پیام های جدی و رسمی و پر از "شما". منِ نوزده ساله که مصمم بودم از اول راه پله ها رو دو تا یکی برم از کمک گرفتن از کسی که بالای پله ها ایستاده بود خوشحال بودم
حتی نمی دونم چطور ولی ماهیت پیام ها تغییر کرد و زنگ بلندی توی گوشم صدا کرد. شعرهای دو پهلویی که نمیتونستی انگشتت رو روی معنیشون بگذاری. ولی صدای "مگه می شه؟ تو دیوانه ای که حتی فکرش رو میکنی" بلندتر بود.زنگ گوشیم عصبیم می کرد و مدت ها بهش برای یک جواب ساده زل میزدم. "بدون شک خیالات برت داشته". درونم جنگ بود. تا روزی که سر کلاس خودش جلوی چشمام ایستاده بود و گوشی من مدام روی میز میلرزید. "خوبی؟چیزی شده؟ چرا اینجا رو نگاه نمیکنی؟". همه وجودم یخ زده بود. انگار محاصره شده بودم. از کلاسش بیرون رفتم و دیگه برنگشتم ولی چندین بار توی راهروها منتظرم بود. "میشه بهم بگی دقیقا چی شده؟" دانشگاه تا مدت ها امن نبود و من انگار از کنار دیوارها میخزیدم. شوق من در همون چندماه سوخت و خاکستر شد. چندماه اضطراب مداوم، خود درگیری و تحقیر خودم. و ساعت ها فکر کن ببین چه کار کردی که قضیه به اینجا رسید
ولی من فرار کردم. خیلی زود
داستان این کتاب، داستان منه، فقط خیلی سختتر و تلختر
دانا، نویسنده کتاب سال ها توی این محاصره زندگی کرد و رویاهاش رو از دست داد. دانشجوی با استعدادی که برای دکترا و با آرزوی استاد شدن وارد دانشگاه شد و به دنبال یک منتور بود. کی فکرش رو میتونه بکنه؟ یک استاد درجه اول، یک پیرمرد کشیش، یک شخصیت مهم و مورد احترام چنین کاری بکنه؟ در دهه نود مدت ها قبل رسوایی کلیسا و جنبشهایی مثل "می تو" هیچکس و مهم تر از همه خودش این علاقه وسواس گونه رو باور نمیکرد. نامهها، دعوتها و تماس هایی که تمامی نداشتند و دانا و آینده اش رو بلعیدند. نویسنده با جزئیات خیلی زیاد وقایع رو تعریف می کنه و من چراییاش رو درک می کنم. فقط حجم اتفاقات کوچکه که نشون میده در مقیاس بزرگ چه اتفاقی در حال افتادنه. در غیر این صورت تمام اون پیامها، نوشتهها و اتفاقات به تنهایی میتونند بی معنی و معصومانه باشند
این کتاب یک زندگینامهست. نویسنده از دختری که قبل از این اتفاق بوده، از باورها و خانوادهاش میگه تا زمانی که از این اتفاق میخونی بتونی از چشمهای اون به دنیا نگاه کنی. این کتابها مهماند. این کتابها برای لذت بردن نیستن. هستند تا کسی مثل من بعد از هشت سال این اتفاق رو از انباری و زیر خاک بیرون بکشه و باهاش مواجه بشه. هستند تا این سکوت باعث نشه یک نفر دیگه در این وضعیت خفقانآور تنها باشه و فکر کنه که کجای راه رو اشتباه رفته. چون این "توجه ناخواسته" میتونه مسیر یک زندگی رو برای همیشه تغییر بده
٩٩.٨.٢٠
این کانال جدیدیه که بعد از بسته شدن قبلی درست کردم و کتابها و ریویوها رو اینجا میگذارم
Maede's Books
من خوش شانس بودم، ولی "دانا" نه خیلی
سال اول دانشگاه بود. من مشتاق این فرصت جدید بودم، مشتاق یاد گرفتن و دیده شدن. استاد یکی از درسهای تخصصیم بود و اون زمان فکر میکردم حرفی برای گفتن داره. جوری بزرگ شده بودم که اون ظاهر رو هنوز "موجه" و "کم خطر" میدونستم. نرم افزار فقط شروع بحث بود و خیلی زود جاش رو کتابها، فلسفه و اعتقاد گرفت. هنوز اون کلاسهای خالی و چندین ساعت حرف زدن رو یادم میاد، اون پیام های جدی و رسمی و پر از "شما". منِ نوزده ساله که مصمم بودم از اول راه پله ها رو دو تا یکی برم از کمک گرفتن از کسی که بالای پله ها ایستاده بود خوشحال بودم
حتی نمی دونم چطور ولی ماهیت پیام ها تغییر کرد و زنگ بلندی توی گوشم صدا کرد. شعرهای دو پهلویی که نمیتونستی انگشتت رو روی معنیشون بگذاری. ولی صدای "مگه می شه؟ تو دیوانه ای که حتی فکرش رو میکنی" بلندتر بود.زنگ گوشیم عصبیم می کرد و مدت ها بهش برای یک جواب ساده زل میزدم. "بدون شک خیالات برت داشته". درونم جنگ بود. تا روزی که سر کلاس خودش جلوی چشمام ایستاده بود و گوشی من مدام روی میز میلرزید. "خوبی؟چیزی شده؟ چرا اینجا رو نگاه نمیکنی؟". همه وجودم یخ زده بود. انگار محاصره شده بودم. از کلاسش بیرون رفتم و دیگه برنگشتم ولی چندین بار توی راهروها منتظرم بود. "میشه بهم بگی دقیقا چی شده؟" دانشگاه تا مدت ها امن نبود و من انگار از کنار دیوارها میخزیدم. شوق من در همون چندماه سوخت و خاکستر شد. چندماه اضطراب مداوم، خود درگیری و تحقیر خودم. و ساعت ها فکر کن ببین چه کار کردی که قضیه به اینجا رسید
ولی من فرار کردم. خیلی زود
داستان این کتاب، داستان منه، فقط خیلی سختتر و تلختر
دانا، نویسنده کتاب سال ها توی این محاصره زندگی کرد و رویاهاش رو از دست داد. دانشجوی با استعدادی که برای دکترا و با آرزوی استاد شدن وارد دانشگاه شد و به دنبال یک منتور بود. کی فکرش رو میتونه بکنه؟ یک استاد درجه اول، یک پیرمرد کشیش، یک شخصیت مهم و مورد احترام چنین کاری بکنه؟ در دهه نود مدت ها قبل رسوایی کلیسا و جنبشهایی مثل "می تو" هیچکس و مهم تر از همه خودش این علاقه وسواس گونه رو باور نمیکرد. نامهها، دعوتها و تماس هایی که تمامی نداشتند و دانا و آینده اش رو بلعیدند. نویسنده با جزئیات خیلی زیاد وقایع رو تعریف می کنه و من چراییاش رو درک می کنم. فقط حجم اتفاقات کوچکه که نشون میده در مقیاس بزرگ چه اتفاقی در حال افتادنه. در غیر این صورت تمام اون پیامها، نوشتهها و اتفاقات به تنهایی میتونند بی معنی و معصومانه باشند
این کتاب یک زندگینامهست. نویسنده از دختری که قبل از این اتفاق بوده، از باورها و خانوادهاش میگه تا زمانی که از این اتفاق میخونی بتونی از چشمهای اون به دنیا نگاه کنی. این کتابها مهماند. این کتابها برای لذت بردن نیستن. هستند تا کسی مثل من بعد از هشت سال این اتفاق رو از انباری و زیر خاک بیرون بکشه و باهاش مواجه بشه. هستند تا این سکوت باعث نشه یک نفر دیگه در این وضعیت خفقانآور تنها باشه و فکر کنه که کجای راه رو اشتباه رفته. چون این "توجه ناخواسته" میتونه مسیر یک زندگی رو برای همیشه تغییر بده
٩٩.٨.٢٠
این کانال جدیدیه که بعد از بسته شدن قبلی درست کردم و کتابها و ریویوها رو اینجا میگذارم
Maede's Books
July 20, 2019
Thanks to Netgalley and Little, Brown &Company for a digital galley in exchange for an honest review.
This is the type of non fiction that can be really difficult to rate. The author, Donna Freitas is detailing the lengthy pursuit of a stalker during her grad school time at Georgetown University. This happened in the 90's and as Donna takes us through the increasingly difficult situation that she lived in, it becomes increasingly clear how far her pursuer will go. It's Donna's story and she's walking in her truth and I know that it couldn't have been easy to have it published for a bunch of strangers to read. I applaud her for this.
Truthfully, that's why it's difficult for me to rubber stamp it with a 3 star. But given the difficult topic, it's not one that I would easily recommend to just anyone.
Goodreads review published 19/07/19
Publication Date 13/08/19
This is the type of non fiction that can be really difficult to rate. The author, Donna Freitas is detailing the lengthy pursuit of a stalker during her grad school time at Georgetown University. This happened in the 90's and as Donna takes us through the increasingly difficult situation that she lived in, it becomes increasingly clear how far her pursuer will go. It's Donna's story and she's walking in her truth and I know that it couldn't have been easy to have it published for a bunch of strangers to read. I applaud her for this.
Truthfully, that's why it's difficult for me to rubber stamp it with a 3 star. But given the difficult topic, it's not one that I would easily recommend to just anyone.
Goodreads review published 19/07/19
Publication Date 13/08/19
October 20, 2019
"He wouldn't let up." -- page 140, the start of chapter 11
At the risk of sounding like 'virtue signaling,' Consent is the first book in awhile to really provoke anger in me. Although Freitas' blunt memoir details the disruptive experiences that have caused her much anguish, her undeniable skill as a writer - especially pages 160 to 163 (the hardcover edition), where she brilliantly describes the problems that women can or will face when reporting sexual harassment / stalking in the U.S. - make this a must-read, especially for a male audience. She writes in a very straightforward manner that places the reader right alongside her in the recollections.
Freitas was a grad student in D.C. back in the 90's, an only child from a staunch Catholic middle-class family in New England, when she began receiving a troubling and inappropriate amount of attention from a respected senior professor in her field. (She refers to him as 'Father L.', as he is also an ordained priest.) She receives hundreds of phone calls / answering machine messages and mailed letters from him at her apartment, as well as many invitations to off-campus activities. He also seems to coincidentally be present in the hallways and stairwells in the periods between her classes, and she catches him watching down on her from his office window as well. Eventually, Father L. even successfully ingratiates himself to her family via phone calls and letters. As this is years before the #MeToo movement and the Catholic church abuse scandal, any guesses to what doesn't happen?
Thankfully, while physical menace or sexual assault do not occur (although, sadly, at one low point Freitas wished it would, if only to successfully start the legal wheels turning in her favor) Father L.'s stalking / obsession still obviously causes all sorts of problems for her during schooling, and then also for a post-traumatic period in the years immediately afterwards. While there were some good people that helped Freitas, it seemed more often that others in positions of authority, as well as the establishment, failed her when she most needed their assistance. Again, Consent made me angry, but it also illuminated the timely issue of harassment / stalking in a very effective manner.
At the risk of sounding like 'virtue signaling,' Consent is the first book in awhile to really provoke anger in me. Although Freitas' blunt memoir details the disruptive experiences that have caused her much anguish, her undeniable skill as a writer - especially pages 160 to 163 (the hardcover edition), where she brilliantly describes the problems that women can or will face when reporting sexual harassment / stalking in the U.S. - make this a must-read, especially for a male audience. She writes in a very straightforward manner that places the reader right alongside her in the recollections.
Freitas was a grad student in D.C. back in the 90's, an only child from a staunch Catholic middle-class family in New England, when she began receiving a troubling and inappropriate amount of attention from a respected senior professor in her field. (She refers to him as 'Father L.', as he is also an ordained priest.) She receives hundreds of phone calls / answering machine messages and mailed letters from him at her apartment, as well as many invitations to off-campus activities. He also seems to coincidentally be present in the hallways and stairwells in the periods between her classes, and she catches him watching down on her from his office window as well. Eventually, Father L. even successfully ingratiates himself to her family via phone calls and letters. As this is years before the #MeToo movement and the Catholic church abuse scandal, any guesses to what doesn't happen?
Thankfully, while physical menace or sexual assault do not occur (although, sadly, at one low point Freitas wished it would, if only to successfully start the legal wheels turning in her favor) Father L.'s stalking / obsession still obviously causes all sorts of problems for her during schooling, and then also for a post-traumatic period in the years immediately afterwards. While there were some good people that helped Freitas, it seemed more often that others in positions of authority, as well as the establishment, failed her when she most needed their assistance. Again, Consent made me angry, but it also illuminated the timely issue of harassment / stalking in a very effective manner.
June 26, 2019
Consent is a brilliantly rendered memoir authored by a woman, Donna Freitas, who dreamed of being a professor. Unfortunately, she encountered a huge hurdle to realizing her dreams when a professor, a priest no less, became obsessed with her.
Let’s just say that the most compelling part of this book is the complete candor with which it is written, but that is closely followed by the beautiful use of language. Parts of the story are poetically rendered; others have more of an academic cast, and some parts are simply deeply personal.
What makes this book so fascinating is that Donna tells her story in such vivid detail, including her innermost thoughts and her tremendous self doubt. It does help the reader to understand how a situation can start innocuously enough, but then by the time the victim realizes what is happening, she no longer feels empowered to stop it.
Her view of herself in hindsight is so interesting. She never really is able to reconcile her image of herself as an attractive person, in control of her sexuality, filled with passion for a life of the mind with a person who was victimized, but when I read about her family background and her propensity for leaning so hard into her studies, building very close relationships with her teachers from a young age, I do see some red flags. Unfortunately, she managed to come into contact with a predator who, with little more than psychological manipulation, invaded her life. She shows how it happened through her unique lens, and the reader experiences the horror of it. She asks why me, and then I personally think some readers will see the answer – yet she remains unsure. Sadly, the ending is not as satisfying as one hopes for throughout, but it is instructive.
There was a lot I would have liked to discuss about this book, so I think it would be extremely good for book clubs. I walked away with more questions than before I read her account.
All in all, I found the author to be extremely brave to tackle this topic the way that she did, for the world to read. Five stars all the way.
#NetGalley
Let’s just say that the most compelling part of this book is the complete candor with which it is written, but that is closely followed by the beautiful use of language. Parts of the story are poetically rendered; others have more of an academic cast, and some parts are simply deeply personal.
What makes this book so fascinating is that Donna tells her story in such vivid detail, including her innermost thoughts and her tremendous self doubt. It does help the reader to understand how a situation can start innocuously enough, but then by the time the victim realizes what is happening, she no longer feels empowered to stop it.
Her view of herself in hindsight is so interesting. She never really is able to reconcile her image of herself as an attractive person, in control of her sexuality, filled with passion for a life of the mind with a person who was victimized, but when I read about her family background and her propensity for leaning so hard into her studies, building very close relationships with her teachers from a young age, I do see some red flags. Unfortunately, she managed to come into contact with a predator who, with little more than psychological manipulation, invaded her life. She shows how it happened through her unique lens, and the reader experiences the horror of it. She asks why me, and then I personally think some readers will see the answer – yet she remains unsure. Sadly, the ending is not as satisfying as one hopes for throughout, but it is instructive.
There was a lot I would have liked to discuss about this book, so I think it would be extremely good for book clubs. I walked away with more questions than before I read her account.
All in all, I found the author to be extremely brave to tackle this topic the way that she did, for the world to read. Five stars all the way.
#NetGalley
August 13, 2019
My thanks to Little, Brown and Company for sending me an advance copy of this book in exchange for an honest review. All opinions are my own and are not influenced by the publisher.
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Consent was a difficult read in some respects; it was difficult to see the author recount her trauma, but more than that, it was difficult to think about the excuses she internally made for her stalker before things escalated out of control. Most women have been there, with varying degrees of severity. (Maybe he doesn't realize he's being inappropriate? Maybe I'm being overly sensitive and he's not actually being inappropriate at all? Maybe I said/did/wore something that made him think this behavior would be welcome?)
This memoir is a an engrossing exploration of blurry lines of consent and the harassers who rely on plausible deniability to get away with their behavior. Donna Freitas was an enthusiastic student who loved getting to know her professors. This is probably part of why it took her a while to see that her abuser's intentions were less than innocent. But a large part of this was probably also due to the professor's intentionally chipping away at boundaries slowly, so as to acclimate his target to his attentions. By the time things escalated to the point that Freitas felt the need to get outside help, she'd already been in over her head for quite some time. The memoir does an excellent job of illuminating the process abusers of all sorts often use on those they target; things start small and often escalate slowly, all while the victim is questioning whether they're crazy to feel uncomfortable at every step.
While this was at times an emotionally taxing read, I definitely recommend it to fans of memoirs and feminist works. The author's exploration of consent, gaslighting, trauma, and institutions that shield powerful men from consequences are all important and timely.
You can read all of my reviews on my blog, Jenna Bookish!
Facebook | Instagram | Tumblr
[image error]
Consent was a difficult read in some respects; it was difficult to see the author recount her trauma, but more than that, it was difficult to think about the excuses she internally made for her stalker before things escalated out of control. Most women have been there, with varying degrees of severity. (Maybe he doesn't realize he's being inappropriate? Maybe I'm being overly sensitive and he's not actually being inappropriate at all? Maybe I said/did/wore something that made him think this behavior would be welcome?)
This memoir is a an engrossing exploration of blurry lines of consent and the harassers who rely on plausible deniability to get away with their behavior. Donna Freitas was an enthusiastic student who loved getting to know her professors. This is probably part of why it took her a while to see that her abuser's intentions were less than innocent. But a large part of this was probably also due to the professor's intentionally chipping away at boundaries slowly, so as to acclimate his target to his attentions. By the time things escalated to the point that Freitas felt the need to get outside help, she'd already been in over her head for quite some time. The memoir does an excellent job of illuminating the process abusers of all sorts often use on those they target; things start small and often escalate slowly, all while the victim is questioning whether they're crazy to feel uncomfortable at every step.
While this was at times an emotionally taxing read, I definitely recommend it to fans of memoirs and feminist works. The author's exploration of consent, gaslighting, trauma, and institutions that shield powerful men from consequences are all important and timely.
You can read all of my reviews on my blog, Jenna Bookish!
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August 25, 2019
If you need another memoir of sexual harassment to make you resent even more what university culture and the Catholic Church have done to women over the years, this is the one to get your blood boiling. You'll spend much of the second half of the book shaking your head in disbelief at what Freitas's graduate advisor (who was also a priest) did to her, how the university and the church enabled him, and how they cheated her out of the right to do anything about it.
January 27, 2019
While not a fun read, this book is incredibly powerful. The author finds her voice to speak her truth, including the self doubt that comes from long term gaslighting. Absolutely incredible.
January 31, 2019
This memoir is complicated for me to review. It tells a story of how the author's professor, who was also a priest, mentor and department chair, chose and stalked his prey, a young woman eager to learn. There were several insights about harassment and abuse that I gleaned from the book, and I've included those notes below. But the book was difficult to read in part because of the content but mostly because the author drags out parts of the story and spends pages discussing a minute part of the story, perhaps in an effort to make the book longer or to psychoanalyze the situation.
I do believe this story needs to be told, and I'm grateful Donna Freitas chose to tell it. Women and men should understand how harassment and stalking feel and know that they do have a voice.
Insights:
*What they wanted was my voice. Women's tongues are dangerous when they let us keep them.
*I know that I should be capable of telling myself what I tell college students who've been assaulted and harassed like I was: It's not your fault. Don't blame yourself. And yet, I am unable to convince myself of this.
*Death of a treasured spot to me - everywhere she and he went together or where he stalked her.
*Professor L knew the way to my heart. (Predators study prey.)
*His attention made me feel special.
*You begin to doubt your judgment about everything (when your harasser doesn't accept no for an answer and continues to contrive ways to connect with you or when he/she turns the blame onto you).
*Professor L carefully calculated stalking behavior from the get-go.
*I wanted to give him a benefit of the doubt (mostly because he was her mentor, a priest, respected in the school, community and world).
*I did NOT consent. No way. But I kept my non-consent to myself. I was still too afraid to express my resistance openly.
*And I felt so ashamed. I felt many kids of ashamed.
*Saying no, really saying it firmly, was out of the question for a long, long time--until his behavior grew so intolerable and so out of control and so obsessive and unyielding that I no longer cared about my future or what might happen if I offended him. Until I was so desperate and broken that I didn't want a future anymore at all.
*I colluded with my stalker's behavior, as a way of preserving my own sanity.
*My initial consent to his behavior could not be ungiven. This man would continue to see how I was in the beginning and refuse to see how I soon became once my feelings about his behavior shifted.
*A shift occurred on the night my cover story had fallen apart.
*Victims must own the power of naming what they're experiencing.
*Mandatory reporting is like being violated all over again. It takes away the victim's voice and makes him/her confront reality before he/she is ready.
*I needed my own voice.
*Trauma is funny like that. It helps a person bury something so deeply that they literally don't remember it's there--until they do. (It shows up at strange times.)
*Replace the word "but" with "and" because two seemingly opposing things can be held in tension.
*I am no longer afraid.
I do believe this story needs to be told, and I'm grateful Donna Freitas chose to tell it. Women and men should understand how harassment and stalking feel and know that they do have a voice.
Insights:
*What they wanted was my voice. Women's tongues are dangerous when they let us keep them.
*I know that I should be capable of telling myself what I tell college students who've been assaulted and harassed like I was: It's not your fault. Don't blame yourself. And yet, I am unable to convince myself of this.
*Death of a treasured spot to me - everywhere she and he went together or where he stalked her.
*Professor L knew the way to my heart. (Predators study prey.)
*His attention made me feel special.
*You begin to doubt your judgment about everything (when your harasser doesn't accept no for an answer and continues to contrive ways to connect with you or when he/she turns the blame onto you).
*Professor L carefully calculated stalking behavior from the get-go.
*I wanted to give him a benefit of the doubt (mostly because he was her mentor, a priest, respected in the school, community and world).
*I did NOT consent. No way. But I kept my non-consent to myself. I was still too afraid to express my resistance openly.
*And I felt so ashamed. I felt many kids of ashamed.
*Saying no, really saying it firmly, was out of the question for a long, long time--until his behavior grew so intolerable and so out of control and so obsessive and unyielding that I no longer cared about my future or what might happen if I offended him. Until I was so desperate and broken that I didn't want a future anymore at all.
*I colluded with my stalker's behavior, as a way of preserving my own sanity.
*My initial consent to his behavior could not be ungiven. This man would continue to see how I was in the beginning and refuse to see how I soon became once my feelings about his behavior shifted.
*A shift occurred on the night my cover story had fallen apart.
*Victims must own the power of naming what they're experiencing.
*Mandatory reporting is like being violated all over again. It takes away the victim's voice and makes him/her confront reality before he/she is ready.
*I needed my own voice.
*Trauma is funny like that. It helps a person bury something so deeply that they literally don't remember it's there--until they do. (It shows up at strange times.)
*Replace the word "but" with "and" because two seemingly opposing things can be held in tension.
*I am no longer afraid.
April 24, 2020
| Reader Fox Blog |
Consent by Donna Freitas is a rough book to read. Detailing the account of a young woman pursuing a PhD in her early twenties as she is subjected to the unwanted attentions of a Professor in her program. It is a very personal story to the author and yet it is a story that, while some pieces are changed and some have come out worse than others, many women in the world have experienced at one point or another. Whether it is the case of a stalker, as with Donna Freitas or sexual harassment that takes darker turns. But what they all have in common, and something I believe many people have a tendency to ignore, downplay, or forget is that they all leave a lasting and deeply traumatic effect on their subjects.
Reading the account of a woman who spent a large and rather important portion of her life dealing with the unwanted affections of a stalker, especially when it has been something that you experienced yourself, is deeply troubling and difficult to read. And it unveils a rather disconcerting truth that many of us are aware of but have not consistently fought until recently. It breaks my heart to know how prevalent it has been for men to take advantage of women in this society, particularly those men in power.
Consent was a troubling account, dark and uncomfortable to read. It was thoroughly brave for Freitas to publish and was an especially important commentary on the disgraces of the systems that were meant to protect and help women in these situations but only ever really served to protect the abusers and their institutions. The memoir discusses the long-lasting effect that such horrifying events leave upon their victims and the difficulties with which victims consistently have in placing blame solely on those who have hurt them.
While it doesn't quite get into the intricacies and horrors of rape, for consent does not begin with sex, Consent does touch deeply on the intricacies of what we consent to and what we do not, when we avoid in order to be polite and what we put up with because we are fearful of the things someone with power over our lives--whether that power is over our jobs, our futures, our families, or something else entirely--can take or destroy.
Freitas' abuser destroyed much in her life, left her with a deep trauma that took years of therapy to manage and still has not been repaired. No amount of retribution could really ever make up for the losses suffered on account of the fear and damage that such an event has on one's life. So much ignorance exists around these subjects that I genuinely believe the existence of books that account these events have the very real potential to change the course of societal thought on toxic masculinity for what and why men feel entitled to ignore consent and coerce until they get what they want.
While I would definitely recommend this book, I will say that it could be traumatic for some and is one to seriously consider prior to reading as some bits may be rather triggering.
I received a free copy of this book via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
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Consent by Donna Freitas is a rough book to read. Detailing the account of a young woman pursuing a PhD in her early twenties as she is subjected to the unwanted attentions of a Professor in her program. It is a very personal story to the author and yet it is a story that, while some pieces are changed and some have come out worse than others, many women in the world have experienced at one point or another. Whether it is the case of a stalker, as with Donna Freitas or sexual harassment that takes darker turns. But what they all have in common, and something I believe many people have a tendency to ignore, downplay, or forget is that they all leave a lasting and deeply traumatic effect on their subjects.
Reading the account of a woman who spent a large and rather important portion of her life dealing with the unwanted affections of a stalker, especially when it has been something that you experienced yourself, is deeply troubling and difficult to read. And it unveils a rather disconcerting truth that many of us are aware of but have not consistently fought until recently. It breaks my heart to know how prevalent it has been for men to take advantage of women in this society, particularly those men in power.
Consent was a troubling account, dark and uncomfortable to read. It was thoroughly brave for Freitas to publish and was an especially important commentary on the disgraces of the systems that were meant to protect and help women in these situations but only ever really served to protect the abusers and their institutions. The memoir discusses the long-lasting effect that such horrifying events leave upon their victims and the difficulties with which victims consistently have in placing blame solely on those who have hurt them.
While it doesn't quite get into the intricacies and horrors of rape, for consent does not begin with sex, Consent does touch deeply on the intricacies of what we consent to and what we do not, when we avoid in order to be polite and what we put up with because we are fearful of the things someone with power over our lives--whether that power is over our jobs, our futures, our families, or something else entirely--can take or destroy.
Freitas' abuser destroyed much in her life, left her with a deep trauma that took years of therapy to manage and still has not been repaired. No amount of retribution could really ever make up for the losses suffered on account of the fear and damage that such an event has on one's life. So much ignorance exists around these subjects that I genuinely believe the existence of books that account these events have the very real potential to change the course of societal thought on toxic masculinity for what and why men feel entitled to ignore consent and coerce until they get what they want.
While I would definitely recommend this book, I will say that it could be traumatic for some and is one to seriously consider prior to reading as some bits may be rather triggering.
I received a free copy of this book via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
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May 24, 2020
September 6, 2019
Unfortunately, I *really* struggled.to finish this book. The premise, the issue of what consent means in today's culture and how it has evolved in the last few decades, was promising. However, I found the author's framework for exploring the issue of consent (the sexual harassment and stalking she endured in grad school) exhausting to pull through, it simply dragged on....and on ..... and on..... For what felt like over 3/4 of the book. Around the midpoint, I started skimming and for the rest of the book felt I was dragging myself through mud just to keep on reading.
Freitas delivers interesting prose and well-crafted storytelling, with a surprising amount of recalled details from her past, which drew me in at first. But as she continued to describe, and describe, and describe even more, all of the crazy things her stalker did, the shock and outrage was replaced by yawns and boredom. We get it-- he was creepy and awful. He was powerful and important in your field of study. He was a priest, Catholicism is important in your family. We get all of it. The repetitiveness just became too much.
And then, oddly, she glossed over what ACTUALLY happened to the professor after Freitas spoke up. The details of the lawsuit are barely mentioned. What she ended up doing when she decided to leave her field of study is mentioned, almost, in passing. After ALL the build up of how IMPORTANT this professor was and going on and on about how would affect her entire professional life, the author leaves us hanging, a bit, as to what *actually* happened to punish him and how she *actually* dealt with it professionally.
On balance, the book held promise, was solidly written in the first half, but really lost steam about midway through, and became skimming material at about the 60% mark. I cannot say I'd recommend this book, and I hate even saying that because I appreciate how much work, energy, emotional bandwidth and personal sacrifice writing a book entails.
Freitas delivers interesting prose and well-crafted storytelling, with a surprising amount of recalled details from her past, which drew me in at first. But as she continued to describe, and describe, and describe even more, all of the crazy things her stalker did, the shock and outrage was replaced by yawns and boredom. We get it-- he was creepy and awful. He was powerful and important in your field of study. He was a priest, Catholicism is important in your family. We get all of it. The repetitiveness just became too much.
And then, oddly, she glossed over what ACTUALLY happened to the professor after Freitas spoke up. The details of the lawsuit are barely mentioned. What she ended up doing when she decided to leave her field of study is mentioned, almost, in passing. After ALL the build up of how IMPORTANT this professor was and going on and on about how would affect her entire professional life, the author leaves us hanging, a bit, as to what *actually* happened to punish him and how she *actually* dealt with it professionally.
On balance, the book held promise, was solidly written in the first half, but really lost steam about midway through, and became skimming material at about the 60% mark. I cannot say I'd recommend this book, and I hate even saying that because I appreciate how much work, energy, emotional bandwidth and personal sacrifice writing a book entails.
August 3, 2019
Read this review and others on my blog: https://thriftybibliophile.com
Consent: A Memoir of Unwanted Attention by Donna Freitas is Donna’s account of the stalking and unwanted attention she faced as a graduate in college.
Donna is a well-published author, a scholar, and knowledgeable in her field, of sex, religion, and consent on college campuses. She’s a sought after speaker and thrives in academia.
Donna is a doctor, a daughter, and a friend. But she’s also a victim.
As a college graduate, one of her professors at her Catholic university–a priest–started taking an inappropriate interest in her. While his attentions weren’t blatantly sexual, they were incessant and unwanted. This priest would call Donna, follow Donna, and fill her mailboxes with letters.
Since he was in a position of power, Donna struggled with how to handle her stalker. He was everywhere. She couldn’t get away from him.
Consent is an in-depth examination of Donna’s nightmarish years as a doctoral candidate being stalked by her professor.
Consent by Donna Freitas was a fascinating read. While it didn’t blow me away, I enjoyed it.
It’s so easy to think of harassment as black and white. Is sending a few letters and making a few phone calls really harassment? Donna does a wonderful job exploring consent and what that really means. Donna didn’t consent to her professor’s attentions. She was an unwilling participant who was subjected to her professor’s repeated and unwanted affection. And her professor was positively relentless in his quest to commandeer Donna’s time.
Unwanted attention is not consent, and this is not okay. Stalking is very real and can be just as damaging as other forms of harassment.
While Donna’s life and hardships were interesting, a lot of the book was redundant. Consent could have been a lot shorter and more enjoyable without the needless repetition.
If you enjoy memoirs, you might enjoy Consent by Donna Freitas!
Thank you to NetGalley for providing the Kindle version of this book in exchange for an honest review.
Consent: A Memoir of Unwanted Attention by Donna Freitas is Donna’s account of the stalking and unwanted attention she faced as a graduate in college.
Donna is a well-published author, a scholar, and knowledgeable in her field, of sex, religion, and consent on college campuses. She’s a sought after speaker and thrives in academia.
Donna is a doctor, a daughter, and a friend. But she’s also a victim.
As a college graduate, one of her professors at her Catholic university–a priest–started taking an inappropriate interest in her. While his attentions weren’t blatantly sexual, they were incessant and unwanted. This priest would call Donna, follow Donna, and fill her mailboxes with letters.
Since he was in a position of power, Donna struggled with how to handle her stalker. He was everywhere. She couldn’t get away from him.
Consent is an in-depth examination of Donna’s nightmarish years as a doctoral candidate being stalked by her professor.
Consent by Donna Freitas was a fascinating read. While it didn’t blow me away, I enjoyed it.
It’s so easy to think of harassment as black and white. Is sending a few letters and making a few phone calls really harassment? Donna does a wonderful job exploring consent and what that really means. Donna didn’t consent to her professor’s attentions. She was an unwilling participant who was subjected to her professor’s repeated and unwanted affection. And her professor was positively relentless in his quest to commandeer Donna’s time.
Unwanted attention is not consent, and this is not okay. Stalking is very real and can be just as damaging as other forms of harassment.
While Donna’s life and hardships were interesting, a lot of the book was redundant. Consent could have been a lot shorter and more enjoyable without the needless repetition.
If you enjoy memoirs, you might enjoy Consent by Donna Freitas!
Thank you to NetGalley for providing the Kindle version of this book in exchange for an honest review.
October 1, 2019
"Women’s tongues are dangerous when they let us keep them. Institutions, workplaces, companies have long known this, which is why they take them from us, why they require that we forfeit them, why they’ll pay us so much for them, these blood diamonds mined from our bodies."
I don't quite know what to say about "Consent," other than to say it is unlike any memoir I've ever read about womanhood, about academia, about power and trauma and the myriad ways we are all of us hopelessly trapped.
Through vivid personal recollections and cogent analysis, Donna shows us that even as women are injured, abused, harassed, degraded, we demur. What about courtesy? What about social convention? What about future career prospects? What about fitting in with our peer groups? How can we question authority figures? Religious figures? Father figures? Friends? Mentors? Who are we to do anything other than endure?
Donna brings many questions to the table, though they seldom have clear answers. She describes consent--the broad kind, unconstrained by dark alleys and malicious strangers--with an accessible, straightforward elegance I've rarely seen. Perhaps it is her relatability, her courageous honesty, or her deft dismantling of the devil's advocate. Whatever it is, "Consent" is impossible to put down once you've begun, and equally impossible to shake loose from your consciousness. Weeks after finishing the book and moving on to others, I am still coming back to Donna and her story, as though a path has been worn into my brain.
I hope it worms its way into your consciousness as it has mine. I hope it gives you a new perspective on all the excuses you make--for those who have hurt you, for those who hurt others, for yourself. I hope, in other words, that this book, however subtly, however quietly, changes your life. I can tell you it is already changing mine, and I'm okay with that.
I don't quite know what to say about "Consent," other than to say it is unlike any memoir I've ever read about womanhood, about academia, about power and trauma and the myriad ways we are all of us hopelessly trapped.
Through vivid personal recollections and cogent analysis, Donna shows us that even as women are injured, abused, harassed, degraded, we demur. What about courtesy? What about social convention? What about future career prospects? What about fitting in with our peer groups? How can we question authority figures? Religious figures? Father figures? Friends? Mentors? Who are we to do anything other than endure?
Donna brings many questions to the table, though they seldom have clear answers. She describes consent--the broad kind, unconstrained by dark alleys and malicious strangers--with an accessible, straightforward elegance I've rarely seen. Perhaps it is her relatability, her courageous honesty, or her deft dismantling of the devil's advocate. Whatever it is, "Consent" is impossible to put down once you've begun, and equally impossible to shake loose from your consciousness. Weeks after finishing the book and moving on to others, I am still coming back to Donna and her story, as though a path has been worn into my brain.
I hope it worms its way into your consciousness as it has mine. I hope it gives you a new perspective on all the excuses you make--for those who have hurt you, for those who hurt others, for yourself. I hope, in other words, that this book, however subtly, however quietly, changes your life. I can tell you it is already changing mine, and I'm okay with that.
November 3, 2019
This is a tough read. I read Donna Freitas' novel This Gorgeous Game, which is based upon the real-life experiences of the author, so when I saw she had written a memoir I had to read it.
Freitas' professor stalked her, and it is chilling to see the long-lasting effects that his behavior, and the subsequent institutional coverup, had on Freitas' future life and career prospects. While she is intentionally vague about the perpetrator to make him unidentifiable, it sounds like he was her department head. Cutting off contact with him (again, because he was STALKING her) meant she could never get a recommendation from him, which meant it was next to impossible to get tenure-track academic positions after grad school. Freitas never did become a tenured professor, which she states was her most cherished dream.
This story is incredibly disturbing and I'm glad Freitas told it. But I'm not sure it needed to be book-length work. Freitas has a repetitive writing style that made reading the book a slog at times. She really likes listing three different versions of the same thought within a sentence: "Silence and denial were still my reality, my norm, my strategy, really." She also repeats several themes and ideas over and over again throughout the book. Freitas wants to really drive home how this experience affected her, and while the repetitiveness probably did wonders for my long-term memory of this book, it made the reading experience tedious.
Freitas' professor stalked her, and it is chilling to see the long-lasting effects that his behavior, and the subsequent institutional coverup, had on Freitas' future life and career prospects. While she is intentionally vague about the perpetrator to make him unidentifiable, it sounds like he was her department head. Cutting off contact with him (again, because he was STALKING her) meant she could never get a recommendation from him, which meant it was next to impossible to get tenure-track academic positions after grad school. Freitas never did become a tenured professor, which she states was her most cherished dream.
This story is incredibly disturbing and I'm glad Freitas told it. But I'm not sure it needed to be book-length work. Freitas has a repetitive writing style that made reading the book a slog at times. She really likes listing three different versions of the same thought within a sentence: "Silence and denial were still my reality, my norm, my strategy, really." She also repeats several themes and ideas over and over again throughout the book. Freitas wants to really drive home how this experience affected her, and while the repetitiveness probably did wonders for my long-term memory of this book, it made the reading experience tedious.
February 16, 2020
I did not like this book. The writing is sound and the topic is certainly worthy, but it just goes on and on and on. And parts of it made me angry. Of course, I was angry with him, but also with the author: "Once again, I was failing at feminism. Or worse, once again, feminism was failing me." No! Feminism did not fail you - men failed you. Institutions failed you. And this, a few pages later: "I still hadn't figured out what to do about grad school either, and the reality that he would be all over the building where I went for classes, that he had every right to be there since he was a professor. He had more of a right to be there than I did; it had been his place of employment for years." Sigh.
October 18, 2019
I devoured this book in two days, could not put it down. It's a riveting, gut-wrenching, heartbreaking soul-sharing and manifesto, and no one could read it without feeling immense compassion for, and anger on behalf of, the author. It's clear that living this story, and telling it, required her to reach deep within herself and come to terms with both her weaknesses and her strengths. I deeply admire her honest self-analyses and commitment to educating and empowering other victims. HOWEVER......As someone who can, I think, at least to some degree, identify with her, as an intelligent, educated Catholic woman of approximately the same age, I have to say that I find her complacency--both then and now--stunning, and impossible to understand. As a college student attending a Catholic institution of higher learning in the early Nineties, I could've won the prize for being the most sheltered, most timid, most socially immature thing on campus. Yet I could NEVER have gone along with what she did, spent so much time in dithering self-doubt, unsure of the nature of what was happening. I don't know that I would've had the courage to confront the man, but I would've done SOMETHING. My first call would've been to my parents. She describes a close and loving family relationship, yet she willingly and willfully cut herself off from her chief support system. Why? I know all my father would've needed to hear were the details of the first two or three incidents, and he would've been in the professor's office, speaking a few well-chosen words, with the utmost politeness and civility, and his message would've been crystal clear. The institutional corruption of the Church and university culture would never have had to become a factor, because the professor, probably in fear for his life, would never again have spoken to me. It's unfathomable to me that Freitas could've believed she had no one in her life who could step in in some way, an uncle, a friend, a bum hired off the street? That she wasn't able to consult anyone, a counselor, a doctor, a friend who was a cop, a parish priest, administrators from her undergraduate institution or high school...anyone? An intelligent young person in a PhD program in the Nineties could not have been this clueless, unless she is painting herself as much more self-confident and surrounded by supportive people than she actually was. I know this point of view could open me to accusations of victim-blaming, and I want to be clear that I believe unequivocally that she was subjected to abuse, through absolutely no fault of her own, and that her abuser was, and is, the only person responsible for what happened. But as a contemporary of this author I can't help but ask where the hell her brain was. This wasn't 1940; our generation, even prior to "#MeToo", is, and was, streetwise enough to have been at least a few moves ahead of the fog of confusion and helplessness she describes operating within, literally for years. An average high-school freshman would've been more personally empowered. It just doesn't make sense, unless some crucial factors have been omitted in her telling of this part of the story.
Along these same lines, I was somewhat baffled by the incompleteness of her insistence that her dream of being a professor is forever dead because of this man. That in itself could be the topic of an entire book, and required a good deal more explanation than what she provided. The fact that this too was glossed over left me wondering, again, if other explanatory factors that might've helped this aspect of the situation hang together a bit more were simply left out.
Maybe most importantly, I have to say that I find her failure to name this person, and the institution that shielded him, not only equally unfathomable, but very unconvincingly explained. After chapter upon chapter of being invited to accompany the author in multi-leveled meta-analyses of minute details of what she went through, the coda to this saga is at best only obliquely alluded to. It sounds like she took some sort of payoff in exchange for signing a non-disclosure agreement, which she apparently intends to honor even within the writing of a tell-all soul-search. She tells us nothing about what she was offered or given, why she felt compelled to accept it, or how silence fits or doesn't fit into her dedication to "naming and claiming" and her commitment to Feminism. She spends pages describing her analysis of the implications of a rotting peach and all that she felt about it, but virtually nothing on what perpetuating the hiding and burying of the truth means for her self-definition and self-esteem. Other than a page of slightly overwrought references to tongues being removed and stored in file drawers, we are provided with absolutely nothing in the way of a lucid explanation of how this experience was concluded! After walking with her through this story and letting it tear my guts out, I felt incredibly cheated by this. In leaving the story unfinished to protect interests never defined, she pulls a "Tootsie," to some extent. I don't know if she can't see this, because she's still to some extent hobbled by a level of short-sightedness or immaturity, or if she can see it and has just accepted it; either way, it takes a tremendous amount of the punch out of the themes she's trying to develop by telling her story in the first place. Apparently remaining complicit in the protection of her abuser's reputation is a higher priority than her own catharsis, or our education. That she would do this to herself, and to us, is in a way almost as horrifying as the abuse itself. It cuts her message off at the knees, and I can't accept that as the ending to this stunning experience that I as her reader am now sharing in.
It might sound like I'm being excessively tough on this person who suffered so horribly. It's only because her fierce intelligence and indomitable spirit shine through every word of this book, and she's clearly eminently capable of going deeper in analyzing this situation and responding to it. Even now it seems like she's only about 75% "there" in terms of looking at it through a lens of distance informed by experience and adult maturity. I'd love to see her follow up with another book in which she would truly and completely finish wrapping up what she experienced, both in revealing the essential facts and in fully comprehending their meanings, both for us and for herself.
Along these same lines, I was somewhat baffled by the incompleteness of her insistence that her dream of being a professor is forever dead because of this man. That in itself could be the topic of an entire book, and required a good deal more explanation than what she provided. The fact that this too was glossed over left me wondering, again, if other explanatory factors that might've helped this aspect of the situation hang together a bit more were simply left out.
Maybe most importantly, I have to say that I find her failure to name this person, and the institution that shielded him, not only equally unfathomable, but very unconvincingly explained. After chapter upon chapter of being invited to accompany the author in multi-leveled meta-analyses of minute details of what she went through, the coda to this saga is at best only obliquely alluded to. It sounds like she took some sort of payoff in exchange for signing a non-disclosure agreement, which she apparently intends to honor even within the writing of a tell-all soul-search. She tells us nothing about what she was offered or given, why she felt compelled to accept it, or how silence fits or doesn't fit into her dedication to "naming and claiming" and her commitment to Feminism. She spends pages describing her analysis of the implications of a rotting peach and all that she felt about it, but virtually nothing on what perpetuating the hiding and burying of the truth means for her self-definition and self-esteem. Other than a page of slightly overwrought references to tongues being removed and stored in file drawers, we are provided with absolutely nothing in the way of a lucid explanation of how this experience was concluded! After walking with her through this story and letting it tear my guts out, I felt incredibly cheated by this. In leaving the story unfinished to protect interests never defined, she pulls a "Tootsie," to some extent. I don't know if she can't see this, because she's still to some extent hobbled by a level of short-sightedness or immaturity, or if she can see it and has just accepted it; either way, it takes a tremendous amount of the punch out of the themes she's trying to develop by telling her story in the first place. Apparently remaining complicit in the protection of her abuser's reputation is a higher priority than her own catharsis, or our education. That she would do this to herself, and to us, is in a way almost as horrifying as the abuse itself. It cuts her message off at the knees, and I can't accept that as the ending to this stunning experience that I as her reader am now sharing in.
It might sound like I'm being excessively tough on this person who suffered so horribly. It's only because her fierce intelligence and indomitable spirit shine through every word of this book, and she's clearly eminently capable of going deeper in analyzing this situation and responding to it. Even now it seems like she's only about 75% "there" in terms of looking at it through a lens of distance informed by experience and adult maturity. I'd love to see her follow up with another book in which she would truly and completely finish wrapping up what she experienced, both in revealing the essential facts and in fully comprehending their meanings, both for us and for herself.
January 28, 2019
This book is a testament to the voices of sexual harassment victims that are silenced every day!
Freitas was a bright-eyed PhD candidate at Georgetown who was inspired and passionate about her future as a professor when her life started to take a dark turn. Eager to get the most out of her studies, she frequently attended her professors' office hours to further engage with the material. Professor L., a Catholic priest whose stature at the university meant that he would play a major role in her dissertation and career, began to take an interest in her as she continued to frequent his office after class.
At first it seemed innocent enough, as though he saw her intelligence and potential, but soon enough the lines began to blur. Before she knew it, he was calling her on numbers she hadn't given him, and showing up at addresses she hadn't given him. Even though she began to feel uncomfortable, Freitas told herself that she was just overreacting.... He was a Catholic priest with a celibacy vow... Of course it couldn't be anything more than the attentions of a caring professor, right? Yet things continued to get worse: he would beg her to go away with him or to go to plays with him, he would call her incessantly and write her multiple letters a day, he would show up outside of her classrooms, write letters to her mom, and even write an article confessing his love for her.
Because Freitas' situation unfolded before the sexual abuse and scandal of the Catholic church was exposed, not only did she have to grapple with the stalking and harassment, but she had to come to terms with what this meant about the religion she had grown up with and her family revered.
Through telling her story of sexual harassment, Freitas gives voice to the many doubts that women in similar situations face. He didn't actually rape me, so it's not that bad, right? What if nobody believe me? What if because there's never been any physical component to the harassment nothing will be done about it? How do you explicitly say no to someone who holds so much power over you and your future? How do you explicitly say no to someone who is your elder, a religious figure, and your professor? Is it because of something I did or the way that I dressed? Did I somehow give him a signal that this is what I wanted? Is it my fault?
I don't know a single woman who hasn't faced these same or similar questions, and Freitas, through her own experience, sheds light on some of the answers and some of the shades of grey regarding consent that accompany them.
In the era of the #Me Too movement, Consent provides a beacon of hope that no matter how many times institutions try to silence us, we can speak up. We can tell our stories.
Freitas was a bright-eyed PhD candidate at Georgetown who was inspired and passionate about her future as a professor when her life started to take a dark turn. Eager to get the most out of her studies, she frequently attended her professors' office hours to further engage with the material. Professor L., a Catholic priest whose stature at the university meant that he would play a major role in her dissertation and career, began to take an interest in her as she continued to frequent his office after class.
At first it seemed innocent enough, as though he saw her intelligence and potential, but soon enough the lines began to blur. Before she knew it, he was calling her on numbers she hadn't given him, and showing up at addresses she hadn't given him. Even though she began to feel uncomfortable, Freitas told herself that she was just overreacting.... He was a Catholic priest with a celibacy vow... Of course it couldn't be anything more than the attentions of a caring professor, right? Yet things continued to get worse: he would beg her to go away with him or to go to plays with him, he would call her incessantly and write her multiple letters a day, he would show up outside of her classrooms, write letters to her mom, and even write an article confessing his love for her.
Because Freitas' situation unfolded before the sexual abuse and scandal of the Catholic church was exposed, not only did she have to grapple with the stalking and harassment, but she had to come to terms with what this meant about the religion she had grown up with and her family revered.
Through telling her story of sexual harassment, Freitas gives voice to the many doubts that women in similar situations face. He didn't actually rape me, so it's not that bad, right? What if nobody believe me? What if because there's never been any physical component to the harassment nothing will be done about it? How do you explicitly say no to someone who holds so much power over you and your future? How do you explicitly say no to someone who is your elder, a religious figure, and your professor? Is it because of something I did or the way that I dressed? Did I somehow give him a signal that this is what I wanted? Is it my fault?
I don't know a single woman who hasn't faced these same or similar questions, and Freitas, through her own experience, sheds light on some of the answers and some of the shades of grey regarding consent that accompany them.
In the era of the #Me Too movement, Consent provides a beacon of hope that no matter how many times institutions try to silence us, we can speak up. We can tell our stories.
November 20, 2019
A desperately lonely old guy is convinced that he can snag a young, attractive woman. We women have all encountered these delusional oldsters when we were in are early 20's right? I know I had to fight off an army of these grandpas back when I was young and attractive. The good thing is, when you get to be over 35, they're usually not interested anymore .😂
Maybe I come from a stronger, tougher stock of women, but saying "NO. I am NOT interested. Leave me alone", typically did the trick. Yes, you may need to say it multiple times. I find it irritating that women are deemed so weak that they are not be expected to take care of themselves. The author spends most of the book living in her head and feeling sorry for herself. Apparently, she feels that telling him "no" in no uncertain terms is too awkward??? Women are not weak. We are not children. While reading this book, I found myself saying, "Speak up! Tell him NO". If you're over the age of 18, surely you can speak with conviction.
Maybe I come from a stronger, tougher stock of women, but saying "NO. I am NOT interested. Leave me alone", typically did the trick. Yes, you may need to say it multiple times. I find it irritating that women are deemed so weak that they are not be expected to take care of themselves. The author spends most of the book living in her head and feeling sorry for herself. Apparently, she feels that telling him "no" in no uncertain terms is too awkward??? Women are not weak. We are not children. While reading this book, I found myself saying, "Speak up! Tell him NO". If you're over the age of 18, surely you can speak with conviction.
September 18, 2019
Donna Freitas is in graduate school, working towards her goals, while being stalked by her professor - who is also a priest.
This is a telling memoir that helps us to understand how innocently a bad situation can start and how fast it can spiral out of control. It's also gives us an in-depth look at how Donna, as a victim, felt and thought, and ultimately dug herself a deeper grave. She expertly explains how she ended up blaming herself for her professor's behavior and why she felt she couldn't speak up - and I'm sure speaks for a lot of victims who have ended up feeling the same. She speaks raw and true feelings about what had happened to her, how it made her feel, and how it, in the end, changed her life, and I commend her for it.
Although it may seem repetitive, I think it's indeed a necessity in this book. The more actions that aren't "ok", the better to get the point across how obsessed her professor truly was. It never stopped and the repetitiveness is real-life. A powerful read!
Thank you to NetGalley, Donna Freitas and Little, Brown and Company.
This is a telling memoir that helps us to understand how innocently a bad situation can start and how fast it can spiral out of control. It's also gives us an in-depth look at how Donna, as a victim, felt and thought, and ultimately dug herself a deeper grave. She expertly explains how she ended up blaming herself for her professor's behavior and why she felt she couldn't speak up - and I'm sure speaks for a lot of victims who have ended up feeling the same. She speaks raw and true feelings about what had happened to her, how it made her feel, and how it, in the end, changed her life, and I commend her for it.
Although it may seem repetitive, I think it's indeed a necessity in this book. The more actions that aren't "ok", the better to get the point across how obsessed her professor truly was. It never stopped and the repetitiveness is real-life. A powerful read!
Thank you to NetGalley, Donna Freitas and Little, Brown and Company.
December 19, 2020
The book is infuriating and illuminating. Everyone should read this.
Read
February 11, 2020 If you are interested in getting even more depressed about the way that women are treated in academia--and if you can stand one more story about the failures of the Catholic Church to honor and defend its parishioners--this disturbing memoir is well worth reading.
March 28, 2019
This was a really difficult book to read and will be difficult to review. The author describes her experiences in graduate school where she was harassed and stalked by one of her professors. This professor, despite being an esteemed scholar, a department chair and a Catholic priest, took advantage of the author's naivety and relative innocence. She suffered in silence because he made her believe that it was all her fault.
This is an incredibly powerful and timely narrative. It has recently come to the forefront via the #metoo movement that there are very few women who have not been faced with a situation in which they were denied the ability to consent. Be it via sexual harassment in the workplace or school, unwelcomed sexual advances from peers, or catcalling in the street. When put in this situation we feel guilty even though it is not our fault. We agonize over what we can allow ourselves to wear as though clothing our bodies is somehow an invitation to invade our privacy. Our facial expressions come under scrutiny as we are told to smile. Every aspect of a woman's life is under a self microscope because we are taught not to offend. That's how the author felt she was afraid of offending her stalker because maybe she was misinterpreting the situation. Based on his actions she was in no way misinterpreting his behavior, it was not her fault, and yet she took all the blame, and suffered as a result.
In the author's own words:
"In the end, there wasn't enough feminism in the world to save me from the situation in which I eventually found myself."
"But when it happens to you and you are young and powerless, and the person who is making it happen holds your dream in his hands, fragile and beautiful and glowing with hope, there is a lot you will try to do to ensure he doesn't use those hands to crush it."
"The woman pays the price with her future and the man keeps his present and future as though he did nothing wrong. That is the deal we strike when we come forward isn't it?"
We need to teach our children of all genders about consent until it is second nature that both "no" and "maybe" means NO. That their bodies belong to them and that nobody has the right to invade their physical or mental space without their permission. That pressure and guilt have no place in obtaining consent. But we also need a world where turning in the victimizer doesn't get hushed up and swept under the rug. Where the victim isn't punished for asking for help. Where she is believed.
I requested a digital advance reader's copy of this book from NetGalley in return for the promise of an honest review.
This is an incredibly powerful and timely narrative. It has recently come to the forefront via the #metoo movement that there are very few women who have not been faced with a situation in which they were denied the ability to consent. Be it via sexual harassment in the workplace or school, unwelcomed sexual advances from peers, or catcalling in the street. When put in this situation we feel guilty even though it is not our fault. We agonize over what we can allow ourselves to wear as though clothing our bodies is somehow an invitation to invade our privacy. Our facial expressions come under scrutiny as we are told to smile. Every aspect of a woman's life is under a self microscope because we are taught not to offend. That's how the author felt she was afraid of offending her stalker because maybe she was misinterpreting the situation. Based on his actions she was in no way misinterpreting his behavior, it was not her fault, and yet she took all the blame, and suffered as a result.
In the author's own words:
"In the end, there wasn't enough feminism in the world to save me from the situation in which I eventually found myself."
"But when it happens to you and you are young and powerless, and the person who is making it happen holds your dream in his hands, fragile and beautiful and glowing with hope, there is a lot you will try to do to ensure he doesn't use those hands to crush it."
"The woman pays the price with her future and the man keeps his present and future as though he did nothing wrong. That is the deal we strike when we come forward isn't it?"
We need to teach our children of all genders about consent until it is second nature that both "no" and "maybe" means NO. That their bodies belong to them and that nobody has the right to invade their physical or mental space without their permission. That pressure and guilt have no place in obtaining consent. But we also need a world where turning in the victimizer doesn't get hushed up and swept under the rug. Where the victim isn't punished for asking for help. Where she is believed.
I requested a digital advance reader's copy of this book from NetGalley in return for the promise of an honest review.
July 25, 2019
The stalker-Priest/Professor didn't get violent or sexual in his harassment; yet it's crazy how he just didn't get it. Most people get the hint when someone stops returning your calls and keeps refusing your invitations; when someone avoids you, it becomes apparent that you should move on. But this guy, and intellectual person so does not get it. Even when Donna started saying "no," over and over, he refused to hear the no, and accused her of "being a bad friend."
An added layer of complication came from his position of power. He was on her dissertation committee and would be the one who needed to write her letter or recommendation. So for a long time she felt she had to put up with things. No, he wasn't inappropriate in a sexual way, but receiving multiple letters and calls everyday by this guy would make anyone dread opening the mailbox or answering the phone, and make them a nervous wreck.
And yet a third layer to the situation caused even more anger and frustration: how the university HR lied to Donna saying they would do something about it; yet they did nothing.
All this made for a quick, compelling read, although I felt Freitas analyzes it too much for the reader. Especially the prologue was not needed. (Not for the reader-- I believed Freitas needed to get that down on paper for her own mental cleansing but the reader didn't need it). Just the facts of what happened will let any reader conclude the craziness and inappropriateness of him and of her innocence. Just by sharing her background,as she does, of being from a traditional Catholic family, will let the reader draw connections between why she waited so long to assert herself against a priest.
A different kind of stalker tale.
An added layer of complication came from his position of power. He was on her dissertation committee and would be the one who needed to write her letter or recommendation. So for a long time she felt she had to put up with things. No, he wasn't inappropriate in a sexual way, but receiving multiple letters and calls everyday by this guy would make anyone dread opening the mailbox or answering the phone, and make them a nervous wreck.
And yet a third layer to the situation caused even more anger and frustration: how the university HR lied to Donna saying they would do something about it; yet they did nothing.
All this made for a quick, compelling read, although I felt Freitas analyzes it too much for the reader. Especially the prologue was not needed. (Not for the reader-- I believed Freitas needed to get that down on paper for her own mental cleansing but the reader didn't need it). Just the facts of what happened will let any reader conclude the craziness and inappropriateness of him and of her innocence. Just by sharing her background,as she does, of being from a traditional Catholic family, will let the reader draw connections between why she waited so long to assert herself against a priest.
A different kind of stalker tale.
November 7, 2020
CW: stalking and sexual harassment
Donna Freitas was stalked and harassed by a professor at university - he was an academic and a catholic priest in the 1990s. He was known as Father L.
It’s an important #MeToo story, of the abuse that goes on in academic and religious institutions, and there were some powerful passages:
“What they wanted was my voice. Women's tongues are dangerous when they let us keep them.”
“I know that I should be capable of telling myself what I tell college students who've been assaulted and harassed like I was: It's not your fault. Don't blame yourself. And yet, I am unable to convince myself of this.”
"But when it happens to you and you are young and powerless, and the person who is making it happen holds your dream in his hands, fragile and beautiful and glowing with hope, there is a lot you will try to do to ensure he doesn't use those hands to crush it."
"The woman pays the price with her future and the man keeps his present and future as though he did nothing wrong. That is the deal we strike when we come forward isn't it?"
Donna bravely tells her story and I’m sure it has helped her and many readers who have experienced similar.
But the book was drawn out - very long. I found it hard to ascertain what Father L the Professor actually did. I also would have loved to read some of the coping strategies Donna employed, as the book was written many years after the incident. Maybe that’s in a sequel?
I listened to the audiobook, which wasn’t narrated by Donna. It was a bit... emotionless.
Donna Freitas was stalked and harassed by a professor at university - he was an academic and a catholic priest in the 1990s. He was known as Father L.
It’s an important #MeToo story, of the abuse that goes on in academic and religious institutions, and there were some powerful passages:
“What they wanted was my voice. Women's tongues are dangerous when they let us keep them.”
“I know that I should be capable of telling myself what I tell college students who've been assaulted and harassed like I was: It's not your fault. Don't blame yourself. And yet, I am unable to convince myself of this.”
"But when it happens to you and you are young and powerless, and the person who is making it happen holds your dream in his hands, fragile and beautiful and glowing with hope, there is a lot you will try to do to ensure he doesn't use those hands to crush it."
"The woman pays the price with her future and the man keeps his present and future as though he did nothing wrong. That is the deal we strike when we come forward isn't it?"
Donna bravely tells her story and I’m sure it has helped her and many readers who have experienced similar.
But the book was drawn out - very long. I found it hard to ascertain what Father L the Professor actually did. I also would have loved to read some of the coping strategies Donna employed, as the book was written many years after the incident. Maybe that’s in a sequel?
I listened to the audiobook, which wasn’t narrated by Donna. It was a bit... emotionless.
March 15, 2024
an intriguing premise and equally interesting personal experience. This book promises a daring expose on such inconspicuous topic to a point where it seems like the entire system is being challenged and shaken. The topic and authors troubling experience is extremely painful and no one deserves to go through such heinous tortures posed by someone that is supposed to be a guide, a mentor. Bringing this book to life no doubt brought back the past and distress with it, to which we must give the author some credit. However, as interesting as it may seem the anticipation of ‘fight against the system’ fizzles within first few chapters.
The obvious culprit here is repetitiveness. Oh my goodness…. Literally every incident weather significant or not is explained at least 3 times (minimum) and that too with a vivid recollection followed by a detailed summery (not kidding). This itself made this book so tedious to get through. And the fact that this is a memoir by a professional writer yet at times it feels like the author is struggling to connect 2 paragraphs, this on its own is unfathomable.
This story truly had so much of powerful and unique material that not only would have been a great read but a captivating series or movie yet the painful repetitiveness, childlike POVs, incompetent storytelling totally failed this project. Would not recommend unless revised and shortened with more clarity on what happened after.
The obvious culprit here is repetitiveness. Oh my goodness…. Literally every incident weather significant or not is explained at least 3 times (minimum) and that too with a vivid recollection followed by a detailed summery (not kidding). This itself made this book so tedious to get through. And the fact that this is a memoir by a professional writer yet at times it feels like the author is struggling to connect 2 paragraphs, this on its own is unfathomable.
This story truly had so much of powerful and unique material that not only would have been a great read but a captivating series or movie yet the painful repetitiveness, childlike POVs, incompetent storytelling totally failed this project. Would not recommend unless revised and shortened with more clarity on what happened after.
December 11, 2019
“Consent: A Memoir of Unwanted Attention” was unlike any other book I’ve read since it discussed stalking and how consent is viewed in society. I saw this one on bookstagram months ago and decided to pick it up! Donna Freitas is a beautiful writer and I loved her elaboration on different concepts such as Title IX and mandatory reporting. She relayed a view of mandatory reporting that I had never even thought of and it really made me take a step back and think. This book has a building feeling of unease throughout and I was angry and disturbed multiple times while reading, especially towards the end. We are given a look inside Donna’s thoughts/feelings while she went through this ordeal and how she felt afterwards. She struggles with PTSD, makes excuses, blames herself, and avoids even speaking about the subject. The situation in this book is one that should be discussed more often, as it is all too common and terrifying how easily this can ruin someone’s life.
November 9, 2019
A fascinating and thorough examination of her experience with her stalker and the many ways she internalized the trauma.
February 17, 2021
Donna Freitas is a published author and speaker who specializes in Title IX and consent on college campuses. But, when Freitas was a doctoral student she was harassed and stalked by one of her college professors who was also a Catholic priest. At first Freitas thinks her professor is genuinely interested in her as a student and even as things he does cross line after line she keeps trying to explain it away - until she can't. After a year of fending off his unwanted attention Freitas confides in a friend who convinces her to go to their department head. But things only get worse and the stalking behavior continues. When Freitas goes to her University HR she feels like they will help, but, unknown to Freitas at the time, the University knows a clock starts with her first complaint and their goal is to keep her from escalating things until the statue of limitations is up on her case. So, despite huge piles of evidence nothing is done to the stalker professor other than a forced sabbatical after she first contacts the University HR. Meanwhile, Freitas has PTSD and her career in academia is completely derailed and she ends up not becoming the tenure-track professor she dreamed of when she first started graduate school.
Freitas does a great job of really conveying how terrifying and also shameful the whole stalking event was for her. She really struggled (as many women do) with feeling like she somehow caused this or triggered inappropriate feelings in her stalker. Even with her work on consent and Title IX she still struggles to speak about her ordeal because of shame even when she did nothing wrong. I really feel like this highlights so much in our culture about women and harassment and shame. The real problems are the people like this stalker professor and the University and Catholic Church who shielded him from any repercussions. Well-written and timely book.
Some quotes I liked:
"How in the world does a student give a firm no to a professor? To someone so far her senior? To someone who could determine her future? To someone on whom her future depends? How in the world does a young woman give a decided no to a Catholic priest? For me to give a firm and enthusiastic yes or no is to presume the person I am saying yes or no to is my equal, or at least someone I feel equal to saying yes or no to, as though they are a partner, a friend, someone with whom I am on the same footing. It presumes I am in possession of some power in the situation." (p. 101)
"Someone who is not Catholic, who has never been Catholic, someone standing on the outside of the Catholic tradition, might have a difficult time understanding why it was so hard for me to get around the priest part of my professor's identity. You may already see him for who he is and was, which is a man acting inappropriately with a young woman in his program. But I could not see this, refused to see it. It was a betrayal of everything I'd ever known, and I, like so many Catholics of the pre-scandal era, was overly prone to giving representatives of the Church the benefit of the doubt - completely." (p. 109)
"When [the Catholic abuse scandal] broke, I read about it, read all the articles in the newspaper, about the ways the Catholic Church covered up crimes and abuses committed by its priests for decades, how it evaded public scandal, paid victims for their silence. I felt the same outrage and shock everyone around me felt...[but] It would be several years after the news broke before it even occurred to me that my professor was an abusive priest, and that part of the ensuing cover-up and silencing I endured with my university - a decidedly Catholic university, full of priests and affiliated with high-ranking bishops - involved the same methods for deception and silencing victims employed by the Catholic Church for decades." (p. 231-32)
"At the time, no one knew the Catholic Church had a long-standing plan for responding to exactly the kind of complaint I'd brought to this woman, a standard operating procedure, and it did not involve doing the right thing." (p. 250)
"After that Miami conference [where she ran into her stalker and had a panic attack] I stopped going to meetings in my field. I dropped out of my field altogether and moved on to other things, other subjects of inquiry. A different position entirely. I let go of being the professor I'd always wanted to be. My dream as I'd envisioned it was dead."
Freitas does a great job of really conveying how terrifying and also shameful the whole stalking event was for her. She really struggled (as many women do) with feeling like she somehow caused this or triggered inappropriate feelings in her stalker. Even with her work on consent and Title IX she still struggles to speak about her ordeal because of shame even when she did nothing wrong. I really feel like this highlights so much in our culture about women and harassment and shame. The real problems are the people like this stalker professor and the University and Catholic Church who shielded him from any repercussions. Well-written and timely book.
Some quotes I liked:
"How in the world does a student give a firm no to a professor? To someone so far her senior? To someone who could determine her future? To someone on whom her future depends? How in the world does a young woman give a decided no to a Catholic priest? For me to give a firm and enthusiastic yes or no is to presume the person I am saying yes or no to is my equal, or at least someone I feel equal to saying yes or no to, as though they are a partner, a friend, someone with whom I am on the same footing. It presumes I am in possession of some power in the situation." (p. 101)
"Someone who is not Catholic, who has never been Catholic, someone standing on the outside of the Catholic tradition, might have a difficult time understanding why it was so hard for me to get around the priest part of my professor's identity. You may already see him for who he is and was, which is a man acting inappropriately with a young woman in his program. But I could not see this, refused to see it. It was a betrayal of everything I'd ever known, and I, like so many Catholics of the pre-scandal era, was overly prone to giving representatives of the Church the benefit of the doubt - completely." (p. 109)
"When [the Catholic abuse scandal] broke, I read about it, read all the articles in the newspaper, about the ways the Catholic Church covered up crimes and abuses committed by its priests for decades, how it evaded public scandal, paid victims for their silence. I felt the same outrage and shock everyone around me felt...[but] It would be several years after the news broke before it even occurred to me that my professor was an abusive priest, and that part of the ensuing cover-up and silencing I endured with my university - a decidedly Catholic university, full of priests and affiliated with high-ranking bishops - involved the same methods for deception and silencing victims employed by the Catholic Church for decades." (p. 231-32)
"At the time, no one knew the Catholic Church had a long-standing plan for responding to exactly the kind of complaint I'd brought to this woman, a standard operating procedure, and it did not involve doing the right thing." (p. 250)
"After that Miami conference [where she ran into her stalker and had a panic attack] I stopped going to meetings in my field. I dropped out of my field altogether and moved on to other things, other subjects of inquiry. A different position entirely. I let go of being the professor I'd always wanted to be. My dream as I'd envisioned it was dead."
August 15, 2019
Consent by Donna Frieitas is a must-read. In this case, the perpetrator was a professor, a teacher of the most eminent rank. With his social distinction, he taught Frieitas the meaning of how one moment of recollection leads to a recrudescence of the event and the pain that's associated with it.
At the opening of the book, when the professor continued to harry Frietas about opening the package and reading his essay, I knew this was getting to be a disturbing read.
Today, countless women are being victimized. By some means, they are being forced to "consent," hence the #mettoo movement into something that goes against their moral values and eventually takes away their innocence.
Consent was challenging to read and very triggering; nevertheless, I feel that it is an essential book, and Frietas narrated her story exceptionally well.
Thank you Little, Brown and Company for the advanced readers’ copy via NetGalley.
#netgalley #consent
At the opening of the book, when the professor continued to harry Frietas about opening the package and reading his essay, I knew this was getting to be a disturbing read.
Today, countless women are being victimized. By some means, they are being forced to "consent," hence the #mettoo movement into something that goes against their moral values and eventually takes away their innocence.
Consent was challenging to read and very triggering; nevertheless, I feel that it is an essential book, and Frietas narrated her story exceptionally well.
Thank you Little, Brown and Company for the advanced readers’ copy via NetGalley.
#netgalley #consent
November 28, 2019
Trigger Warning!
Stalking and Harassment
Reading this was difficult in some ways. At many points I've actually held my breath in anticipation of what was gonna happen next. I can only imagine how Freitas must've felt through this whole ordeal. What was frustrating however was the amount of excuses she would make to make it seem like the behavior of her stalker was....normal? or out of concern?
Freitas was a grad student in D.C. She was really excited to start her journey for her Phd. She even encountered a "mentor/professor" in the field she was going for. She thought he would be a role model, someone she could go to for help, but instead she quickly realized what a bad idea that was. "Father L" became her stalker. He was everywhere. In the staircases, in the hallways, and in between classes. It was too coincidental. He started visiting her in her home without her telling him her address. Come to find out he looked up her files in the office. He also started sending her unsolicited mail to her home. Father L even went as far as becoming a fixture within her family. As Freitas mother was sick with cancer, Father L began writing letters to her!
Freitas is a great writer. She takes you on this gut wrenching journey. Often questioning whether her sense of style is what made Father L act upon his thoughts. There was no sexual assault thankfully. There were instances where Freitas was hoping maybe some type of physicality would happen so it would be easier to tell someone about it. In the story she wrote about how poorly people acted towards her complaints about harassment. Almost like no one cared because it would tarnish their reputation. It's so sad and disgusting how little action is taken when a woman comes across this type of situation. Freitas will be scared about this for years to come, and the fact that the person who did this to her is supposed to be a priest made it even more disgusting. I'm hoping Freitas can have a peace of mind again one day, maybe after that awful man passes away or something (I know, harsh).
I would like to thank NetGalley and Little Brown and Company for providing me with a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
#NetGalley
Stalking and Harassment
Reading this was difficult in some ways. At many points I've actually held my breath in anticipation of what was gonna happen next. I can only imagine how Freitas must've felt through this whole ordeal. What was frustrating however was the amount of excuses she would make to make it seem like the behavior of her stalker was....normal? or out of concern?
Freitas was a grad student in D.C. She was really excited to start her journey for her Phd. She even encountered a "mentor/professor" in the field she was going for. She thought he would be a role model, someone she could go to for help, but instead she quickly realized what a bad idea that was. "Father L" became her stalker. He was everywhere. In the staircases, in the hallways, and in between classes. It was too coincidental. He started visiting her in her home without her telling him her address. Come to find out he looked up her files in the office. He also started sending her unsolicited mail to her home. Father L even went as far as becoming a fixture within her family. As Freitas mother was sick with cancer, Father L began writing letters to her!
Freitas is a great writer. She takes you on this gut wrenching journey. Often questioning whether her sense of style is what made Father L act upon his thoughts. There was no sexual assault thankfully. There were instances where Freitas was hoping maybe some type of physicality would happen so it would be easier to tell someone about it. In the story she wrote about how poorly people acted towards her complaints about harassment. Almost like no one cared because it would tarnish their reputation. It's so sad and disgusting how little action is taken when a woman comes across this type of situation. Freitas will be scared about this for years to come, and the fact that the person who did this to her is supposed to be a priest made it even more disgusting. I'm hoping Freitas can have a peace of mind again one day, maybe after that awful man passes away or something (I know, harsh).
I would like to thank NetGalley and Little Brown and Company for providing me with a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
#NetGalley
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