It's Not You It's the Workplace: Women's Conflict at Work and the Bias that Built It

by Andrea S Kramer, Alton B. Harris

Sliver award winner in Women/Minorities in Business category, 2020 Axiom Business Book Awards

It's not you, It's the Workplace offers a fresh approach to understanding why women's relationships with other women at work are often fraught and when they are, have the potential to completely derail women's careers. It's a pervasive and complicated issue which, until now, has been falsely represented by books that paint women as inherently bitchy back-stabbers who cannot help but have challenging relationships with other women. As the authors prove, this is patently untrue! Immensely practical, the book features real-world advice and tactics to overcome and avoid workplace conflict, and most-importantly, build on the positive aspects of women to women relationships, developing stronger networks that foster women's career success and creating a more supportive and satisfying work environment.

Genres: Nonfiction, Feminism

224 pages, Hardcover

Published August 27, 2019

Reviews

[MR P · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am a 41-year-old married man who has been working in a garden office for almost 18 months. I wanted to remember what it was like to interact with women in the office.

While some men may have searched for more risqué female encounters and confessions, I popped into my local library to hire It’s not you, it’s the workplace, a groundbreaking analysis of women’s difficult relationships with other women at work.

To be a female ally, I need to understand what makes women tick and the challenges they face. Just by reading a book I can resolve their conflict at work and the bias that built it. As now that I’ve hit my forties, everything I say is profound, inspirational, hilarious and, most importantly, right. I want to be inclusive and supportive and transcend the digital and physical boundaries of the office to create harmony between all genders.

I am a saviour, not a mansplainer, or am I partly responsible for how women’s socialisation has caused them to internalise the dominant misogynist ideology of women being fundamentally inferior to men?

That’s not an easy sentence to say, but this 2019 book by Alton B. Harris and Andrea S. Kramer does not shy away from asking difficult questions. While it is an American book, it reflects the multicultural Western world.

The women vs women approach enabled me to reflect on the handful of difficult women I have encountered at work, challenge my biases, and realise that women face some of the same problems as men, and some we don’t.

Do women depreciate their own self-worth at work? I expect some do and research backs this up, but so do men. The authors are not trying to prove me wrong or win the support of the ‘not all men’ campaigners. They know everything you are thinking and play on that to open your mind.

“Women are just plain mean to each other, or so we’re often told,” say the authors. Aggression between women occurs as a genetic protective drive to find the best circumstances to ensure the survival of children. Women want to acquire protection for their offspring and this instinct is carried over to the workplace whether they are real, potential or metaphorical opportunities or threats.

Meanness thus becomes the strategy for increasing self-importance, popularity, or to achieve the desired goal. When women compete exclusively against each other, they tend to be more underhanded and personal in their attacks than men are, but don’t get sucked into believing the narrative that same gender conflict is a problem for women but not for men.

Readers are reminded of Donald Trump’s boast that he would “grab women by the pussy”. From my perspective, while men may have faced similar threats in the workplace, accusations of such predatory behaviour are often strenuously denied by the alleged perpetrators, not bragged about.

But this book is not a rant to put the world to rights. It is about the double bind of sisterhood which can unite women as a collective voice and power while stalling their individual advancement. The chapter on gendered workplaces explores how organisational design can be influenced by gender bias, affinity bias and sexual dominance. You won’t see that in a consultancy’s slide deck, so this book serves a purpose.

“Those women who rise to the top in gendered workplaces do not see themselves as lucky tokens but as extraordinary examples of talent, ambition and hard work. They see themselves as proof that gender discrimination does not hold deserving women back. If other women are struggling with career advancement, it is because those other women don’t have the right stuff.”
Sisterhood does not depend on women having close, personal relationships with other women. It’s about mutual support and recognising the stereotype straitjackets that struggle to contain the tension around characteristics, immigration, sex, technology, educational attainment, professional skills and being a working parent. The interracial conflict between Black, Hispanic and Asian women was fascinating reading.

The authors recognise the importance of male allies in building inclusive workplaces and here are some interesting insights for men to consider:

Men are genuinely convinced their organisations are true meritocracies where women and men treated the same way.
Some men incorrectly believe women are represented at senior management level across the board.
Men are scared off by #metoo campaign. They don’t want to be suspected of inappropriate work relationships, so they avoid championing women [because most men think if a woman smiles at them and laughs at their jokes, they obviously want to have a wild, passionate affair].
Men are reluctant to sponsor and mentor women saying they are busy but this is most likely due to their basic discomfort with involvement in women’s advancement activities.
Active male support can break through this gender bias. If people at the top support diversity, the men will follow, especially if there is data to show why diversity and respect matter. My tip is to choose your gender champions carefully. If they can’t live the principles of inclusion, the campaign is going down faster than a…[add your own joke as this is a banter free book review!].

The Boston Consultancy Group found that women enter the workforce with the same or higher ambition than men, and having children does not affect women’s desire to lead. What do my readers think? Is this true, false, or you don’t want to say because it may jeopardise your career?

This book is original but why does every business book have to reference Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman? As good as his book may be, Kahneman didn’t invent thinking. It’s okay to explore the inner workings of the brain without paying tribute to this winner of the Nobel Prize for economics. Try opening It’s not you, it’s the workplace at random and I guarantee you will land on page 114. Only then will you realise the all-consuming power of Thinking, Fast and Slow.

This engaging book ends on a positive note that we can all agree on:

“We believe we will be able to stop talking about women’s distinctive, same-gender conflicts and focus on quickly resolving the interpersonal conflicts that all of us have.”

But this was before the pandemic, so what happens now?

[Rita · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ll write a longer review on my blog closer to the release date. Thank you to the publisher for the free review copy.

As a woman freelancer in a female-dominated industry, I’ve (thankfully) been sheltered from gendered workplaces. However, since gender bias is a topic I’m interested in and I want to move to working from an office for a company, I decided to pick it up. And I am glad I did.

The authors approach the issue of gender bias and its implications in a clear and comprehensible manner. Each chapter is devoted to a specific factor in female work conflicts and uses data to drive the arguments home. The layout of the book was delightful and made it easy to follow.

One thing I was happy to see was the inclusion of intersectionality in these discussions. Issues of race, sexual orientation, gender identity, and class were all brough into question when analysing workplace conflicts. This is refreshing and makes this book stand out from other self-help/business advancement books heavily centered on while experiences.

Lastly, I like how the authors included a section on how to move forward with practical, no-nonsense advice at the end of each chapter.

If you’re a woman looking to explore workplace dynamics and how they’re affected by sexism, racism, classicism, and other -isms, definitely pick this book up. And if you consider yourself an ally to women, this is also a science-based must-read.

[roxi Net · Rating 3 out of 5]

I appreciated this book very much -- I had requested it to review just as a curiosity. I had gone from working in mostly female-dominated group to one that was male-dominated and it was a difficult transition for me. The change made me realize just how different both groups were and how I reacted to it. There were pros/cons to each of course, yet now that I find myself back in a completely female workforce, I have a newfound appreciation for working with women and the supportive environment it creates. I found myself agreeing with the authors in that it's 'pleasant, supportive, and cooperative...efficient, productive, and satisfied' group. I tend to think that it may come down to personalities and the golden rule. There are empathetic/nonempathetic men and women everywhere even in families. It's how we as individuals react to them. It's still helpful to consider why people react certain ways and adjust accordingly with self-awareness and emotional intelligence. The discussion of sisterhood, 'how to make things better', I like that they discuss how 'gender isn't the whole story' and reading the facts on my ethnicity was both sobering and slightly depressing, but I believe things can only get better with time.

[Isabel Warner · Rating 2 out of 5]

It is RARE that I DNF a book. I am a master of hate reading. But this book could've been an essay. And I don't even think I buy the premise the book is selling.

I think there's a lot of nuance to this issue - there's probably some truth to the competitiveness some women feel, especially in male dominated industries where 'there can only be one.' And on the flip side it's also possible that younger women expect more from their older female colleagues, and thus judge them more harshly for things that wouldn't register if done by a man. And it can also be true that when one woman succeeds, statistically, she's likely to bring others along for the ride.

I think this book made me re-evaluate how harsh I was being on some of my female superiors, which is good. However, (and maybe it's in there, and I didn't make it that far) I think breaking this down by generations would've been helpful. There also was a weird bit of racism toward Asian women that rubbed me the wrong way.

Bottom line: this book had way too much fluff and not enough detail. It could've easily been cut in half or turned into a long essay and served up the same points.

[Ioanna · Rating 3 out of 5]

I voluntarily read and reviewed an advanced copy of this book. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

It's Not You, It's the Workplace debunks some of today's most popular myths about women in the workplace. The authors lay out the reality of workplace for women today, shedding light to some of the bias that lies behind many common misconceptions, and suggesting ways to tackle some of the problems this bias creates.

This was an interesting and informative book to read, one that will appeal to anyone wanting to read a little more on inclusivity. and ways to fight against bias and misconceptions.

[Darya · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have read several books on diversity and inclusion. This book have several engaging stories and data from research. I would recommend reading it regardless your gender. The idea behind is to create a conditioning environment for every. When is this to come?

[Nan · Rating 1 out of 5]

The views absolutely poo pooing abuse and how women back stab other women to gain tiny bit of power which is imaginary because it’s only there due to them propping up patriarchy. So, not power they are holding on their own or creating on their own. Did not finish after they dismissed this reality.

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although full of great stats and research it read more like a research paper than I was expecting

[Jeri · Rating 1 out of 5]

Not what I was expecting, someone else might like it or find it helpful.

[Sunshine · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF'd
a few things to make note of but this could've been an article

[Chris Haigh · Rating 5 out of 5]

It’s Not You, It’s the Workplace asks us to change our prevailing (and misguided) narrative that women are inherently antagonistic toward other women they work with. The authors (also lifelong lawyers) demonstrate that none of the empirical research supports this flawed and discriminatory workplace bias. Rather, organizations should be looking at how they have structured their hiring and promotion practices.

Using humor and dozens of real-life examples, the authors dissect the workplace and convincingly show us what we can all do (even as individuals) to create bias-free environments that are welcoming of different races, ethnicities, ages, sexual orientations, and parental statuses.

I've given this as a gift to my sisters, both of whom are climbing the corporate ladder. But this book hits home for all rising leaders and individuals looking to address workplace unfairness of nearly every type.

[Mojdeh · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book every woman should read before entering the workplace , and every man who truly wants to understand his role and power in shaping a better world.

Whether for their daughters, partners, or future teams, men need to understand the dynamics that shape our professional lives.

As a young woman at the beginning of my career, I’ve come to realize how crucial it is to understand why people behave the way they do, how power operates, and how leadership truly works beneath the surface. This book opened my eyes to the deeper structures and unspoken codes that influence so much of our experience.

All I can say is: I feel more hopeful. There is a path forward. We are moving toward a better future.

Keep reading. Keep reflecting. Keep questioning.
Together, we can build something better.