Working Daughter: A Guide to Caring for Your Aging Parents While Making a Living

by Liz O'Donnell

Working Daughter is a revelatory look at who's caring for our aging population and how these unpaid family caregivers are trying to manage caring for their parents, raising their children, maintaining relationships, and pursuing their careers. It follows the author, who was enjoying a fast-paced career in marketing and raising two children when both of her parents were diagnosed with terminal illnesses on the same day. In the challenges she faced and the choices she made, readers will learn how they can navigate their own caregiving experiences and prepare for when they are inevitably called on to care for their parents.



Working Daughter sparks the conversation we so desperately need to have about women and the workplace. With 10,000 people turning 65 every day and a shortage of caregivers predicted in the next few years, it's time we talk about how family caregivers and their employers will face the impact of a rapidly aging society. There are plenty of books about managing career and children, but little advice on how to balance career and parents - along with children, marriages, and friendships. Working Daughter provides a blueprint for women and a call to action for business leaders and policy makers. This book is for women who want straight talk and real advice about the challenges of eldercare, the choices they will need to make, the aspects of caregiving they can control, and that which they cannot. And finally, Working Daughter shows family caregivers how they can achieve the caregiver's gain--the underreported but well-documented upside to caring for an aging parent.

Genres: Nonfiction, Health, Relationships, Memoir, Parenting, Self Help

191 pages, Kindle Edition

Published August 8, 2019

Reviews

[CKE387 · Rating 3 out of 5]

Just wish there was more on the experiences of single daughters who never had children and therefore never had to take on the role of caregiver previously. It's one thing to shift from being a parent to parenting your own parents, but to go from no experience as a caregiver to caregiver is its own set of experiences.

[Dawn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book for anyone lost about how to care for their aging parents. It definitely gave me solace knowing that others also find it overwhelming, scary and painful for all parties involved - so many people talk about what a joy it is to give back and how you should enjoy caring for your parents because... “well, they’re your parents!” If you have no experience in it and have no clue how to manage it and your job - this book is for you. I got so many gems out of it, great resources that I’ve made notes of for future use. I do wish there had been more input from women who are just starting their careers, millennials and those who aren’t married - but the book focuses around the the author who is a married, executive who’s a mother of two, and the synopsis is clear about that point of view. I really appreciated this amazing book - 5 stars!

[Sandra · Rating 4 out of 5]

Caregiving is stressful, and sometimes it can make you feel very alone. Since my mom started to need more hands-on care a year and a half ago, I've given up many aspects of my social life and career development to take on organizing every aspect of a move from her home, doctor's appointments, care managers, and recovery from two hospital visits. Reading Liz's book is like sitting back over a glass of wine with that witty, brutally honest friend who's been there and back. With rich detail and a sharp sense of humor, Liz tells her own story of caring for her mom through cancer at the same time her father battled dementia -- and while holding down a job and raising kids. She weaves her poignant story in with tips and advice for how working caregivers can get things done and keep their sanity, covering everything from important documents to ways you can advocate for a better safety net in this country for caregivers.
Liz doesn't sugarcoat. She is frank about the toll caregiving took on her marriage, her career and her time with her kids. But looking back, she also sees the rewards, some of which hard to discern at the time - the "caregiver's gain." A 2006 study from The Gerontologist, quoted in Liz's book, says caregiving "increased (caregivers') feelings of pride in their ability to meet challenges, improved their sense of self-worth, led to greater closeness in relationships, and provided an enhanced sense of meaning, warmth and pleasure."
She also is a proponent of an idea that sometimes we working daughters need to hear – that you have a right to make a living. Guilt is a thing for working caregivers just as much as working daughters. Working caregivers can and do face judgment, both subtle and overt – like the time her mom’s doctor grilled her: “What do you do for work? How much do you travel? Why do you work so much?”
Liz’s book makes it clear that if you're involved in your parents' lives and advocating for them, you're a caregiver no matter whether they live in your home, in an assisted living facility down the street or across the country.
“The healthiest path caregivers can take is to value their own lives as much as they value the lives of the people they care for – and then brace themselves, because not everybody will approve.”

[Renée Millette · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think there was a lot of good stuff in here but it still felt like a lot of the information just wasn't going to work with me, as someone who is coming from a lot younger and less privileged situation. This is a guide for working while taking your parents assuming your parents have retirement savings, owned a house, you are married with kids, and have a pretty high position in your career. Nobody can expect a writer to cover all the bases but I don't actually know that many people who are in caregiver roles who are at a comfortable enough position as the author.

She did get other perspectives from people she interviewed which was nice, but perspectives from relatively young caregivers were lacking throughout. (Asking for a written book perspective of a millennial caregiver is just not going to happen while this demographic is still considered "young" and I get that, but one can hope.) I would have at least liked hearing from someone who was single and never had children talk about the struggles of being thrown into caregiving because it's just completely different than being married and having a family already.

Even so, there were a lot of good tips to reframe one's thinking while dealing with a terrible crisis and I'll be using some of them in my own journey.

[Rebecca MacLennan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book. I was looking for books on how to care for a narcissistic mother. The librarian called up a different search and “Working Daughter” resulted. I’m the primary caregiver for my aging 93 y/o mother, married, mother, working full time and wondering how I (well, my hubby & I) ended up like this! I found this book very relatable. I wrote two pages of notes, and I’ll probably buy it. Lots of good information, especially how to accept your new caregiver life. In addition, the author was also the primary caregiver and had siblings who were hardly involved, so everything landed on her (as with me). There were pieces that were like “man, this gal can’t get a break”, right up to finally not being a caregiver any longer and then a week later her husband was diagnosed with cancer. The author provides a lot of good information and I like the way she set up the story. I’m looking forward to checking out her website. Lots of good takeaways. If you’re a “working daughter” caring for a parent, I highly recommend it.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend if you are a caregiver to a parent and managing a career. It’s so helpful and not a book of complaints but realistic and feels like getting great advice from a friend.

[Kim 1 · Rating 4 out of 5]

Whether we like to or not, ‘caregiving’ generally falls into the laps of women. But caregiving means more than raising families, and this book explores the current challenges of the working woman and caregiving for her aging family.
Since the book is US based, all the resources provided do not apply but overall the book is very relatable.

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book on a challenging topic. O'Donnell is very frank and honest with her experiences caring for her two elderly parents, sprinkled with some very funny moments.

I was surprised to find so many tactical and practical tips to use for every phase of life, whether if it's you have aging parents who are self-sufficient now and don't currently need much extra help, or if you are currently in the thick of it with extensive caregiving, or rebooting your life after the elderly person passes away.

This should be a must-read for everyone who has aging parents, anyone who works with colleagues who have aging parents, business owners, corporate management, as well as health care providers, social workers, and everyone in the nursing home/hospital/nursing facility/rehab center ecosystem. In about 15 years, for the first time in the U.S., there will be more people over the age of 65 than children (census.gov); this issue is only going to get bigger and something we will all need to think about at some point.

[K. O’Connor · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book for any working woman dragged into caregiving during the downward spiral of failing parental health. When I read the bit about how she snuck over to her parents’ house and stole the ladder and hid it in the bushes at her cousin’s house to keep her dad off the roof because he really didn’t care that if he fell, she’s have to care for him, I thought, “this book is worth every penny.” She has great advice about how to fend off opinionated people who think you should be doing more/doing things differently, etc. and reminds readers to do what they can and also to take care of themselves. It is both practical and reassuring for all of us who feel ground down by caregiving while working, especially when the elders in question seem neither inclined to recognize their limitations or gracefully accept help.

[Jackie Stuart Van Meter · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was super helpful to help me understand the role I was just in to help with my father’s care and also to consider tips for the future with my mother. I learned some tips and knowledge that I will use in my life to know that caregivers are important and that whatever choice you make will be the right one for you. More research and advocacy needs to be made in the workplace to support the growing needs of balancing working daughters and sons.

[Wendy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I would recommend this book if you are a daughter (or son) beginning your journey of caring for an aging parent. I'm well on my way along this journey (5+ years) so I've learned most of the author's helpful hints by trial and error. I did find it comforting to find that a lot of the feelings and thoughts I am experiencing or have experienced are validated in this book. It's good to know that I'm not alone.

[Christi · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a great read about caregiving for elders and the impossibility of the job. It presents a lot of problems that come up, and while it's very focused on a particular type of woman and demographic, I appreciate that her voice has added to the conversation. It's mainly incredibly validating and a good explainer for those who don't know how to explain what taking care of a parent or other elder is like.

[Karen · Rating 2 out of 5]

As the author's own story it was fine, and some readers may gain something from reading about another's caregiving journey.

But as a "guide," as promised in the title? Hardly. Anyone with an ounce of common sense and the most basic level of self-awareness can figure this out for herself.

As all caregivers know, time is our most valuable commodity. Don't waste it reading this book.

[Lara · Rating 5 out of 5]

Are you taking care of a parent, or think you might be soon? This is the book you need to make sure you don’t get lost in the process, and have the high-level checklists to stay on track with their care. The author makes many excellent points and steers the reader towards grace for themselves. I felt 100% better about caring after reading this book!

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Say yes to get to no.

Endorphins and dopamine released during caring for others.

My caregiving will enable me to be a better wife, sister, friend, employee.

It will help me be deliberate in my life.

Thanks Liz. Beautiful ending.

Sarah

[Alison Rice · Rating 5 out of 5]

Real advice, empathy, and justfiable frustration about the state of eldercare in America by a working daughter managing the care of her elderly parents while trying to stay connected with her own family and manage the demands of her job.

[Kay · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reads like a novel but has an incredible amount of information on how to successfully manage being a daughter, wife, mother, and earn a living all at the same time.

[Nicole Williston · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is very American but the general message and guidance is really good.

[Thegirlintheafternoon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not perfect, but exactly the book I needed right now.

[Jill · Rating 4 out of 5]

Right book, at the right time for me.

[Alison Lawler-Dean · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wish I had this book when actively caregiving for my mother. It’s full of wonderfully relatable stories and super practical advice.

[Athena Bertolino · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great resource on a topic not well covered, but so important. The one thing I found missing was guidance or even acknowledgement of the unique situation of only children in this role.

[Danielle · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed the authors blunt and humorous reporting of her experiences, which at times seemed absurd but are totally relatable.

[Lilly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Working Daughter is an invaluable resource for caregivers. The author describes her challenges in caring for two sick parents while also working as an executive, being the breadwinner for her family, as well as a wife, mother, friend. The challenges she faced are immense but through sharing her experiences we can learn a lot and do better in our own caregiving challenges. I highly recommend this book to caregivers but it's also a great read for anyone in management. You may be around caregivers without fully realizing their struggles and how challenging it can be to just show up to work some days. You never fully know what your employees and coworkers may be facing. You also may not be a caregiver now but you never know when you'll be called to the task.