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The First Time Lauren Pailing Died
Lauren Pailing is born in the sixties, and a child of the seventies. She is thirteen years old the first time she dies.
Lauren Pailing is a teenager in the eighties, becomes a Londoner in the nineties. And each time she dies, new lives begin for the people who loved her – while Lauren enters a brand new life, too.
But in each of Lauren’s lives, a man called Peter Stanning disappears. And, in each of her lives, Lauren sets out to find him.
And so it is that every ending is also a beginning. And so it is that, with each new beginning, Peter Stanning inches closer to finally being found…
Lauren Pailing is a teenager in the eighties, becomes a Londoner in the nineties. And each time she dies, new lives begin for the people who loved her – while Lauren enters a brand new life, too.
But in each of Lauren’s lives, a man called Peter Stanning disappears. And, in each of her lives, Lauren sets out to find him.
And so it is that every ending is also a beginning. And so it is that, with each new beginning, Peter Stanning inches closer to finally being found…
384 pages, Hardcover
First published July 11, 2019
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2221 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 356 reviews
August 23, 2019
An intriguing book, one that makes you think, about life, grief and love. Lauren Pailing is thirteen the first time she dies, and yet does she really? Though lost to her former life she wakes up in a new one. Small things are different in her new life, but the memory of her old life fades.
As the story goes on we learn the stories of Lauren and her loved ones, how they cope and try to get on with their lives. Yet in all the stories one thing remains the same, the disappearance of Peter Stanning.
I found the premise of this book very interesting, with the hint of multiverses at it's core. The different interwoven stories rarely became confused and was particularly well written. I did feel however that the story ended abruptly, and some things were never quite resolved. Having said that I did enjoy this book and would quite happy to read any others by this author.
3.5 stars rounded up to 4.
My thanks to Harlequin Australia for a copy to read and review. The opinions are entirely my own.
As the story goes on we learn the stories of Lauren and her loved ones, how they cope and try to get on with their lives. Yet in all the stories one thing remains the same, the disappearance of Peter Stanning.
I found the premise of this book very interesting, with the hint of multiverses at it's core. The different interwoven stories rarely became confused and was particularly well written. I did feel however that the story ended abruptly, and some things were never quite resolved. Having said that I did enjoy this book and would quite happy to read any others by this author.
3.5 stars rounded up to 4.
My thanks to Harlequin Australia for a copy to read and review. The opinions are entirely my own.
September 4, 2025
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The First Time Lauren Pailing Died is a beautifully-written novel that opens your eyes about life and its meaning. A very powerful novel with interesting story. I have read books that have a few similarities to this one, but I haven't read anything like this before.
The main character in this book is without a doubt, Lauren. In the first chapters, we learn more about her and her parents. Lauren is an intriguing child, able to stare in the distance for a long time and able to see a different mummy that doesn't exist. When Lauren dies as a teen, the story splits into a few parts and we have parallel universes and different story lines happening.
In one of them, Lauren hasn't died at all. She wakes up and continues life as normal. In another, her parents have a little daughter and are coping with Lauren's death while raising the little girl. The third would represents Lauren's mum who can't cope with the pain and commits suicide, leaving Lauren's dad on his own. With all of the story lines, one thing stays the same - a mysterious disappearance of Lauren's dad's boss - Peter.
In every life Lauren lives - she feels like she needs to find out what happened to Peter. In all honesty, this mystery was supposed to be the centre of the story in the book, but to me it just didn't make sense at all. Once we got all the answers, all I could think of was that these two stories could have easily been made into two separate books.
While I had mixed feelings about the mystery of Peter, I definitely loved the parallel universe theme in the book. There were so many alternatives in Lauren's life. It puts into perspective how one choice in your life can make a difference in the long run. If you only change one decision, you could end up somewhere completely different.
I cannot recommend this book enough, if this is a genre that intrigues you. If you are planning to read it, I would suggest to avoid reading reviews and synopsis and go with a blank page of expectations. The less you know - the better your experience will be. Keep your mind open and enjoy. Happy Reading! <3
Thank you to the team from HQ for sending me a hardcover ARC copy in exchange for an honest review.
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The First Time Lauren Pailing Died is a beautifully-written novel that opens your eyes about life and its meaning. A very powerful novel with interesting story. I have read books that have a few similarities to this one, but I haven't read anything like this before.
The main character in this book is without a doubt, Lauren. In the first chapters, we learn more about her and her parents. Lauren is an intriguing child, able to stare in the distance for a long time and able to see a different mummy that doesn't exist. When Lauren dies as a teen, the story splits into a few parts and we have parallel universes and different story lines happening.
In one of them, Lauren hasn't died at all. She wakes up and continues life as normal. In another, her parents have a little daughter and are coping with Lauren's death while raising the little girl. The third would represents Lauren's mum who can't cope with the pain and commits suicide, leaving Lauren's dad on his own. With all of the story lines, one thing stays the same - a mysterious disappearance of Lauren's dad's boss - Peter.
In every life Lauren lives - she feels like she needs to find out what happened to Peter. In all honesty, this mystery was supposed to be the centre of the story in the book, but to me it just didn't make sense at all. Once we got all the answers, all I could think of was that these two stories could have easily been made into two separate books.
While I had mixed feelings about the mystery of Peter, I definitely loved the parallel universe theme in the book. There were so many alternatives in Lauren's life. It puts into perspective how one choice in your life can make a difference in the long run. If you only change one decision, you could end up somewhere completely different.
I cannot recommend this book enough, if this is a genre that intrigues you. If you are planning to read it, I would suggest to avoid reading reviews and synopsis and go with a blank page of expectations. The less you know - the better your experience will be. Keep your mind open and enjoy. Happy Reading! <3
Thank you to the team from HQ for sending me a hardcover ARC copy in exchange for an honest review.
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July 6, 2019
I liked the look of this book straight away as it stood as being different and I love the idea of having multiple life’s.
As a child Lauren is different from her peers, she sees sunbeams where she can glimpse scenarios of herself and her family but they are different from her real life!!
When Lauren dies aged 13 she finds herself living with her parents but other things around her have changed.
The story follows what life is like for her family with and without her. This may sound confusing but it is a wonderful book and when you get to know the main characters it is easy to follow.
Definitely worth reading. I was delighted with this quirky book that had me 100% gripped. It definitely catches you’re imagination and would make a great film!!
Thank you to Netgalley for my copy in exchange for a review.
As a child Lauren is different from her peers, she sees sunbeams where she can glimpse scenarios of herself and her family but they are different from her real life!!
When Lauren dies aged 13 she finds herself living with her parents but other things around her have changed.
The story follows what life is like for her family with and without her. This may sound confusing but it is a wonderful book and when you get to know the main characters it is easy to follow.
Definitely worth reading. I was delighted with this quirky book that had me 100% gripped. It definitely catches you’re imagination and would make a great film!!
Thank you to Netgalley for my copy in exchange for a review.
March 12, 2025
This was an unexpected, often aimless narrative that despite having a really exciting sounding theme, misses the mark in a lot of ways.
This review is, kind of , spoilers from start to finish. 'Kind of', because there are not a lot of surprises in the plot and the events seem almost incidental to the story, so knowing them may not affect the reading experience that much. I am not sure.... but maybe, if you are worried about spoilers skip this one entirely.
Separated into three parts - and I do see what the story is doing with that - Part one is Lauren's childhood in the 70's, which is well written, intriguing and very convincing. Lauren is a normal single child in an average working class family, but with one quirk: Lauren can see these strange beams of light, and if she looks into them she can see through to other places. Mysteriously, they often contain elements or people from her life, only different, always a little different. By age 8 she has well and truly learned not to mention these images either to her family or to friends. As a teenager, there is an accident and Lauren Pailing dies. This was a great section, well written, intriguing, imaginative and vibrant. It had an energy that vividly drew you in, wanting more. It was also quite short.
Part 2 begins at page 31 and is the bulk of the book, lasting up to pg 215. When Lauren Pailing dies, instead of continuing on, to whatever may or may not happen after death, she slides sideways into one of those other realities she could see, she does this quite intentionally. This world is similar to, but slightly different from, her original world but she lives a normal life there until she dies a second time and slides into another similar-but-largely-the-same universe. This long part is well written, interesting and good fiction. Good ORDINARY fiction, as there is nothing especially outstanding that happens to Lauren; it is just... normal daily life in the 70's - 80's no touch of weird about it at all. Lauren stops seeing sunbeams into other parallel universes, she forgets she ever did. Now, as Lauren splinters sideways, so do the plots, because we follow what might have happened to the people she left behind, they too get on with their lives in several parallels. There are rather a lot of them by the last time Lauren dies into a new life. I read this book fast and still lost track of who was where a few times. The other thing is that the vivid, energetic writing slowly subsides into good craftsmanship in this section as well, leaving much less enthusiasm in me to engage with the story.
Part three, Lauren has died again, after which she gets a brief amnesiac/adjustment period . She feels disconnected from her 'new' family and starts looking for answers to what is wrong with her. This section starts leaning heavily on the hints that the one constant in all Lauren's lives is the disappearance of her fathers boss. This seems to be a pivotal element that Lauren focuses on and it is also the part in which parallel universes are mentioned as a possible explanation for what is happening to her.
By this time I was only mildly intrigued, the author herself, seems hardly more interested as the whole narrative remains bland and unexciting. Well written, but no real engagement with the strange element of the plot. No real attempt to showcase the actual uniqueness that could have been a feature of this plot. It remains a polite, well written, well edited book about mostly very ordinary people. Being a classy, well written book about the 70's through to the 90's is fine. But this does not really satisfy me, as a reader who acquired THIS book expecting something weird or exceptional about the narrative.
There are some really good elements, parallel universes offer many options for interesting events, most of those are bypassed here but I liked Shrodinger's Rabbit in a world without cats. But those tiny, mostly immaterial differences are not really used enough to make the novel zing.
Then there was the ending. We find out where Lauren's father's boss vanished too. I have no idea why we find that out, or why it was the ending. It has no bearing on Lauren that I could see. No actual reason is given for the parallel universes, for the link between Lauren and this random dude. We never find out what happened to Lauren, I imagine it was not very interesting.
The take home message is more than a little confusing. If you want to write a book about normal people in the 70-90's fine, do it!
If you want to write about parallel universes and how people's timelines can split and small events affect lives - excellent choice, do that!
If you want to write about a woman who dies multiple times and comes back in parallel lives, I will read it, but will expect THAT to be the theme. You need to actually make it the theme, not an incidental throwaway of the novel.
But this novel seems to have no idea which of those things it wants, so it really achieves none of them. Just a forgettable mishmash. I did still quite like it mind, it was well written. The ending was such a non-event that I am sure I will forget it presently.
Postscript: I did forget the ending, quite fast. I have no idea what it was but I am confident it was largely uninteresting. Deb, 2025
This review is, kind of , spoilers from start to finish. 'Kind of', because there are not a lot of surprises in the plot and the events seem almost incidental to the story, so knowing them may not affect the reading experience that much. I am not sure.... but maybe, if you are worried about spoilers skip this one entirely.
Separated into three parts - and I do see what the story is doing with that - Part one is Lauren's childhood in the 70's, which is well written, intriguing and very convincing. Lauren is a normal single child in an average working class family, but with one quirk: Lauren can see these strange beams of light, and if she looks into them she can see through to other places. Mysteriously, they often contain elements or people from her life, only different, always a little different. By age 8 she has well and truly learned not to mention these images either to her family or to friends. As a teenager, there is an accident and Lauren Pailing dies. This was a great section, well written, intriguing, imaginative and vibrant. It had an energy that vividly drew you in, wanting more. It was also quite short.
Part 2 begins at page 31 and is the bulk of the book, lasting up to pg 215. When Lauren Pailing dies, instead of continuing on, to whatever may or may not happen after death, she slides sideways into one of those other realities she could see, she does this quite intentionally. This world is similar to, but slightly different from, her original world but she lives a normal life there until she dies a second time and slides into another similar-but-largely-the-same universe. This long part is well written, interesting and good fiction. Good ORDINARY fiction, as there is nothing especially outstanding that happens to Lauren; it is just... normal daily life in the 70's - 80's no touch of weird about it at all. Lauren stops seeing sunbeams into other parallel universes, she forgets she ever did. Now, as Lauren splinters sideways, so do the plots, because we follow what might have happened to the people she left behind, they too get on with their lives in several parallels. There are rather a lot of them by the last time Lauren dies into a new life. I read this book fast and still lost track of who was where a few times. The other thing is that the vivid, energetic writing slowly subsides into good craftsmanship in this section as well, leaving much less enthusiasm in me to engage with the story.
Part three, Lauren has died again, after which she gets a brief amnesiac/adjustment period . She feels disconnected from her 'new' family and starts looking for answers to what is wrong with her. This section starts leaning heavily on the hints that the one constant in all Lauren's lives is the disappearance of her fathers boss. This seems to be a pivotal element that Lauren focuses on and it is also the part in which parallel universes are mentioned as a possible explanation for what is happening to her.
By this time I was only mildly intrigued, the author herself, seems hardly more interested as the whole narrative remains bland and unexciting. Well written, but no real engagement with the strange element of the plot. No real attempt to showcase the actual uniqueness that could have been a feature of this plot. It remains a polite, well written, well edited book about mostly very ordinary people. Being a classy, well written book about the 70's through to the 90's is fine. But this does not really satisfy me, as a reader who acquired THIS book expecting something weird or exceptional about the narrative.
There are some really good elements, parallel universes offer many options for interesting events, most of those are bypassed here but I liked Shrodinger's Rabbit in a world without cats. But those tiny, mostly immaterial differences are not really used enough to make the novel zing.
Then there was the ending. We find out where Lauren's father's boss vanished too. I have no idea why we find that out, or why it was the ending. It has no bearing on Lauren that I could see. No actual reason is given for the parallel universes, for the link between Lauren and this random dude. We never find out what happened to Lauren, I imagine it was not very interesting.
The take home message is more than a little confusing. If you want to write a book about normal people in the 70-90's fine, do it!
If you want to write about parallel universes and how people's timelines can split and small events affect lives - excellent choice, do that!
If you want to write about a woman who dies multiple times and comes back in parallel lives, I will read it, but will expect THAT to be the theme. You need to actually make it the theme, not an incidental throwaway of the novel.
But this novel seems to have no idea which of those things it wants, so it really achieves none of them. Just a forgettable mishmash. I did still quite like it mind, it was well written. The ending was such a non-event that I am sure I will forget it presently.
Postscript: I did forget the ending, quite fast. I have no idea what it was but I am confident it was largely uninteresting. Deb, 2025
October 13, 2019
The First Time Lauren Pailing Died is the first novel by British journalist and author, Alyson Rudd. Until she dies (the first time), Lauren Pailing has a pretty ordinary life. She’s growing up in the early seventies in a pretty ordinary crescent in Cheshire, The Willows (it’s true, everyone there gets on remarkably well), school is fine and she loves her (pretty ordinary) parents. The only thing is the sun beams. They’re sort of metallic, mirror-like, persistent if she doesn’t pay them attention, painful if she goes into them; when she peers into them, she sees other versions of her life: other mummies, other bedrooms, other schools.
When, at thirteen, Lauren Pailing is involved in a freak accident, those other versions of her life come into play. Lauren dies, or doesn’t die; for those around her, life, of course, changes radically. Lauren’s first death produces three distinct narrative strands; from her second death, two narrative strands emerge. These narratives are carried by Lauren (when she survives) or those close to her (when she doesn’t). And Peter Stanning is a key character who eventually goes mysteriously missing in each of those strands.
This is a book for those who wonder if there might be parallel universes or alternate realities out there. But not just for them: Rudd’s characters are appealing and easy to care about. She certainly has a talent for conveying feelings and emotions: there are several lump-in-the-throat moments, including Lauren’s second funeral; Lauren’s confusion at being plonked into a life she doesn’t remember without concerted effort is palpable.
Because the different (but clearly marked) narrative strands have many common elements, careful attention is required to keep them distinct, but this is rewarded with a wonderful reading experience. The story might be challenging to describe without spoilers, but some parts of the back-cover blurb are so misleading that it’s rather distracting for the reader. It’s almost as if the person who wrote it did no more than skim the novel. This is a brilliant debut novel and it will be interesting to see what this clever author does next.
When, at thirteen, Lauren Pailing is involved in a freak accident, those other versions of her life come into play. Lauren dies, or doesn’t die; for those around her, life, of course, changes radically. Lauren’s first death produces three distinct narrative strands; from her second death, two narrative strands emerge. These narratives are carried by Lauren (when she survives) or those close to her (when she doesn’t). And Peter Stanning is a key character who eventually goes mysteriously missing in each of those strands.
This is a book for those who wonder if there might be parallel universes or alternate realities out there. But not just for them: Rudd’s characters are appealing and easy to care about. She certainly has a talent for conveying feelings and emotions: there are several lump-in-the-throat moments, including Lauren’s second funeral; Lauren’s confusion at being plonked into a life she doesn’t remember without concerted effort is palpable.
Because the different (but clearly marked) narrative strands have many common elements, careful attention is required to keep them distinct, but this is rewarded with a wonderful reading experience. The story might be challenging to describe without spoilers, but some parts of the back-cover blurb are so misleading that it’s rather distracting for the reader. It’s almost as if the person who wrote it did no more than skim the novel. This is a brilliant debut novel and it will be interesting to see what this clever author does next.
October 5, 2019
At the start, I found this to be quite enjoyable, but the more I read the more I felt it seemed to suffer from its structure and its inability to carry it out fully. Said to be for fans of Kate Atkinson, and obviously Life After Life, I could see that in the beginning but it started to meander and become difficult to maintain the momentum and interest I found at the start.
Years ago I started reading 4 3 2 1 but only got through 25%, not because I wasn't enjoying (I really was), but I put it aside because of feeling overwhelmed that there were all these other books to read and didn't want to commit to reading this 800+ page book at the time. I feel the structure of 4 3 2 1 is handled more successfully than in Lauren Pailing, in my opinion. The more I read here, the more I lost interest in the alternate lives of Lauren and her family. I also found the thread about Peter Stanning to be weird and weak. This is probably more of a 2.5 star for me overall. :-(
Years ago I started reading 4 3 2 1 but only got through 25%, not because I wasn't enjoying (I really was), but I put it aside because of feeling overwhelmed that there were all these other books to read and didn't want to commit to reading this 800+ page book at the time. I feel the structure of 4 3 2 1 is handled more successfully than in Lauren Pailing, in my opinion. The more I read here, the more I lost interest in the alternate lives of Lauren and her family. I also found the thread about Peter Stanning to be weird and weak. This is probably more of a 2.5 star for me overall. :-(
May 15, 2019
This started off really well, and I thought that what the novel intended to do was clever. However, it did become quite meandering after a little while, and sometimes a little muddled and confusing in consequence. There were a few characters who didn’t seem quite realistic, and nobody interested me quite as much as I anticipated at the outset.
February 16, 2025
3.5/5
This is Alyson Rudd's first novel. She generally writes on sport and literature for British newspapers so she brings the ordered and clear writing of a veteran journalist to this story (aside from the typos I kept finding). There are quite a few characters and quite a few plotlines in this book and Rudd presented them in an easy to follow way.
The First Time Lauren Pailing Died has an unusual premise. When Lauren dies she is transferred to another life where things are mostly the same apart from a few unfamiliar faces. Cats also don't exist sometimes. This is frankly something I'm ok with. Despite this idea, the book was overwhelmingly an ordinary piece of fiction. The fact that Lauren transfers lives was only focused on in the novel's final part and no firm explanations were offered. It didn't make the plot any more exciting either. I think I would have received the same level of enjoyment from reading this novel if the 'new' Laurens were instead replaced by different characters and the science fiction element was left out. The cynical part of me thinks that Rudd just wanted a good hook for her blurb.
This novel was a bit of a tear-jerker. Being a novel about multiple deaths there was loss and grief. Rudd wrote about this in a very convincing way. I felt confronted with the sadness of the characters in a way I don't often experience reading books.
Overall, the themes of loss and the individual character plot lines were handled deftly, but the uselessness of the premise rubbed me the wrong way.
This is Alyson Rudd's first novel. She generally writes on sport and literature for British newspapers so she brings the ordered and clear writing of a veteran journalist to this story (aside from the typos I kept finding). There are quite a few characters and quite a few plotlines in this book and Rudd presented them in an easy to follow way.
The First Time Lauren Pailing Died has an unusual premise. When Lauren dies she is transferred to another life where things are mostly the same apart from a few unfamiliar faces. Cats also don't exist sometimes. This is frankly something I'm ok with. Despite this idea, the book was overwhelmingly an ordinary piece of fiction. The fact that Lauren transfers lives was only focused on in the novel's final part and no firm explanations were offered. It didn't make the plot any more exciting either. I think I would have received the same level of enjoyment from reading this novel if the 'new' Laurens were instead replaced by different characters and the science fiction element was left out. The cynical part of me thinks that Rudd just wanted a good hook for her blurb.
This novel was a bit of a tear-jerker. Being a novel about multiple deaths there was loss and grief. Rudd wrote about this in a very convincing way. I felt confronted with the sadness of the characters in a way I don't often experience reading books.
Overall, the themes of loss and the individual character plot lines were handled deftly, but the uselessness of the premise rubbed me the wrong way.
May 2, 2021
Lauren Pailing lives many life, each times she dies she enters a new one. But in each one a man named Peter disappears and she sets out to find him. Interesting plot but feelt rather meh by the execution. It wasn't my thing and I never feelt invested with the story.
June 9, 2022
A unique take on the reincarnation story, plus what a cool title, The First time, Lauren Pailing Died
The story captures multiple versions of Laurens's reality after a horrific accident takes her life at the age of Thirteen.
In one version she survives, in others, she dies and the narrative breaks into these pockets of realities, and we get a glimpse of how some of her family members deal with the grief, how it ultimately changes their worldview. The author meticulously balances the sense of wonder and somber tone whilst keeping tabs on multiple POVs. Still in awe at how the structure elevated each character, leaving space for them to grow. I won't forget this one anytime soon.
The story captures multiple versions of Laurens's reality after a horrific accident takes her life at the age of Thirteen.
In one version she survives, in others, she dies and the narrative breaks into these pockets of realities, and we get a glimpse of how some of her family members deal with the grief, how it ultimately changes their worldview. The author meticulously balances the sense of wonder and somber tone whilst keeping tabs on multiple POVs. Still in awe at how the structure elevated each character, leaving space for them to grow. I won't forget this one anytime soon.
August 26, 2019
This was such a good book. Excellent really. But it’s got me all tied up in knots about how to review it. The very essence of it is its uniqueness, but to consider that with any depth is to ruin the story for potential readers. Perhaps, before getting into what this book is, I’ll mention what it isn’t – because it could be easily interpreted as either time travel or ‘sliding doors’. It’s neither. Think quantum mechanics, and you’re heading in the right direction. However, before this scares you off, The First Time Lauren Pailing Died is not science fiction. I feel like I’m talking in riddles right now! But now that you know what it’s not, let’s talk about what it is.
Clearly, by the title and blurb, you know going into this that at some point, Lauren Pailing is going to die. More than once. She does in fact die twice. I feel I can say this without it being a spoiler. She’s also not the only character to die and then keep on living. How does this work? This is where the quantum mechanics comes in.
“Well, there is a many-worlds interpretation that helps to explain the randomness of our universe. People tend to think of this in terms of parallel universes. You can, for example, be alive in one and dead in another.”
This kind of thing really intrigues me. On one level, I find it so incredibly complicated it makes my brain hurt, yet I’m still drawn to this kind of physics. Maybe in a parallel universe I’m a physicist? Once I finished this novel, I immediately dove into some further reading on this many-worlds interpretation that is ever so briefly mentioned towards the end of the novel. I found this Stanford paper which in its introduction, concisely summed up the theory from which the novel springboards:
‘The Many-Worlds Interpretation (MWI) of quantum mechanics holds that there are many worlds which exist in parallel at the same space and time as our own. The existence of the other worlds makes it possible to remove randomness and action at a distance from quantum theory and thus from all physics.
The fundamental idea of the MWI, going back to Everett 1957, is that there are myriads of worlds in the Universe in addition to the world we are aware of. In particular, every time a quantum experiment with different possible outcomes is performed, all outcomes are obtained, each in a different world, even if we are only aware of the world with the outcome we have seen. In fact, quantum experiments take place everywhere and very often, not just in physics laboratories: even the irregular blinking of an old fluorescent bulb is a quantum experiment.’
Confused? Please don’t be. Because honestly, even though the story operates with this many-worlds interpretation at its core, the science of it is not a big part of the novel. I just really like to get answers about things like this, to dig deeper for plausible explanations. So does our protagonist, who towards the end of the novel, stumbles upon this notion as a viable explanation as to what’s been happening to her.
For as long as she has been alive, Lauren Pailing has been able to see rips in the universe. They appear to her as ribbons of light and they hover and stalk her until she peers into them. These rips are like windows to other worlds. Sometimes she sees people she knows, other times the view is unfamiliar. If she touches one of the rips, she suffers a great deal of pain and even injury. On the two occasions she dies, she wakes up in another version of herself, in a life that is at once familiar yet also strange. But we don’t leave that previous world. We still get to see what’s happening without Lauren, whilst also sticking with Lauren as she makes her way in her new life. So too, for the other character that dies and subsequently makes a jump into another world. Each world has measurable differences, some more obvious than others. It was amusing to note these differences as they popped up. But again, I want to stress, none of this story is confusing. I always knew exactly which world I was in and who was meant to be there. Such clever writing with clear intent!
There are some searing moments within this story, seeing how much of it is given over to grief. But it’s so beautifully rendered, a meticulous examination of love and loss, the evolution of a family that is forced to change by circumstances out of their control. The disappearance of Peter Stanning was the one thing that had no measurable difference between worlds. He always disappeared under mysterious circumstances on the same date and he was always never found. His impact upon Lauren’s story offered an interesting angle and her knowledge of his disappearance appeared to provide a link across worlds. Finding out what happened to Peter seemed akin to finding out what was happening to her.
I don’t want to say much more for fear of giving away the story entirely but suffice to say, this is such a uniquely involving novel, ambitious in its scope yet finite in its execution. I loved it. From the first page to the last, I was hooked. A brilliant debut that I couldn’t recommend higher if I tried. And what about that gorgeous retro cover? It’s just perfect for the story. The First Time Lauren Pailing Died is one of my top reads for 2019.
Thanks is extended to HarperCollins Publishers Australia for providing me with a copy of The First Time Lauren Pailing Died for review.
Clearly, by the title and blurb, you know going into this that at some point, Lauren Pailing is going to die. More than once. She does in fact die twice. I feel I can say this without it being a spoiler. She’s also not the only character to die and then keep on living. How does this work? This is where the quantum mechanics comes in.
“Well, there is a many-worlds interpretation that helps to explain the randomness of our universe. People tend to think of this in terms of parallel universes. You can, for example, be alive in one and dead in another.”
This kind of thing really intrigues me. On one level, I find it so incredibly complicated it makes my brain hurt, yet I’m still drawn to this kind of physics. Maybe in a parallel universe I’m a physicist? Once I finished this novel, I immediately dove into some further reading on this many-worlds interpretation that is ever so briefly mentioned towards the end of the novel. I found this Stanford paper which in its introduction, concisely summed up the theory from which the novel springboards:
‘The Many-Worlds Interpretation (MWI) of quantum mechanics holds that there are many worlds which exist in parallel at the same space and time as our own. The existence of the other worlds makes it possible to remove randomness and action at a distance from quantum theory and thus from all physics.
The fundamental idea of the MWI, going back to Everett 1957, is that there are myriads of worlds in the Universe in addition to the world we are aware of. In particular, every time a quantum experiment with different possible outcomes is performed, all outcomes are obtained, each in a different world, even if we are only aware of the world with the outcome we have seen. In fact, quantum experiments take place everywhere and very often, not just in physics laboratories: even the irregular blinking of an old fluorescent bulb is a quantum experiment.’
Confused? Please don’t be. Because honestly, even though the story operates with this many-worlds interpretation at its core, the science of it is not a big part of the novel. I just really like to get answers about things like this, to dig deeper for plausible explanations. So does our protagonist, who towards the end of the novel, stumbles upon this notion as a viable explanation as to what’s been happening to her.
For as long as she has been alive, Lauren Pailing has been able to see rips in the universe. They appear to her as ribbons of light and they hover and stalk her until she peers into them. These rips are like windows to other worlds. Sometimes she sees people she knows, other times the view is unfamiliar. If she touches one of the rips, she suffers a great deal of pain and even injury. On the two occasions she dies, she wakes up in another version of herself, in a life that is at once familiar yet also strange. But we don’t leave that previous world. We still get to see what’s happening without Lauren, whilst also sticking with Lauren as she makes her way in her new life. So too, for the other character that dies and subsequently makes a jump into another world. Each world has measurable differences, some more obvious than others. It was amusing to note these differences as they popped up. But again, I want to stress, none of this story is confusing. I always knew exactly which world I was in and who was meant to be there. Such clever writing with clear intent!
There are some searing moments within this story, seeing how much of it is given over to grief. But it’s so beautifully rendered, a meticulous examination of love and loss, the evolution of a family that is forced to change by circumstances out of their control. The disappearance of Peter Stanning was the one thing that had no measurable difference between worlds. He always disappeared under mysterious circumstances on the same date and he was always never found. His impact upon Lauren’s story offered an interesting angle and her knowledge of his disappearance appeared to provide a link across worlds. Finding out what happened to Peter seemed akin to finding out what was happening to her.
I don’t want to say much more for fear of giving away the story entirely but suffice to say, this is such a uniquely involving novel, ambitious in its scope yet finite in its execution. I loved it. From the first page to the last, I was hooked. A brilliant debut that I couldn’t recommend higher if I tried. And what about that gorgeous retro cover? It’s just perfect for the story. The First Time Lauren Pailing Died is one of my top reads for 2019.
Thanks is extended to HarperCollins Publishers Australia for providing me with a copy of The First Time Lauren Pailing Died for review.
August 11, 2020
Amazing!! Simply amazing! I bought this book ages ago and I have been trying to find the right time to open it up and start it…well, I found the right time!
There is something completely magical about this book. It’s got the feels of Sliding Doors but with the memories. I fell in love with Lauren and her lives. So many different stories, threads, lives crossing over and around us. It was well just magical.
Lauren Pailing has had a life of it. But she has not had one life she’s had a few. We have the “original” life, we have her life after she died, and then whole different life. Lauren is quite simply a pure soul, no other words for her. We then have chapters with her father and her mother, all with different outcomes to the fateful day. That’s all I can say on the plot. Only one constant in each life is Peter Stanning disappears. This is the only bit I haven’t worked out, but I am ok with that, I am not bogged down with the why’s and how’s and have taken this book for the enjoyment it has brought me.
I went in without reading any reviews and brushing over the blurb because I didn’t want any spoilers. I can’t remember why I bought the book. I think the cover and the title sucked me in and I knew I had to read it. I wish I hadn’t waited so long but I am glad I did. I read this over 2 days and I kept thinking about it when I wasn’t reading it. There is an air of mysticism and I am glad it wasn’t ruined in any way. For me, everything worked. The speed of the stories, the background, the different “doors” of Lauren’s life. I may have cried, a few certain scenes with Tim and George. I really could not fathom how this would all play out but I was sent on a beautiful journey but not without its heartbreaks.
God, I want to say so much more. I thought I had read my favourite book of 2020 and everyone knows it was my favourite but I tell you what, this book well this book might just be the book to knock it off its pedestal and that is saying something. I thought that being nearly 400 pages it would take days but I flew through it. The writing by Alyson is so engaging, she knows when to pull you in and when to let you flounder on your own. Easily, so easily see this being made into a film. It would be perfect for the big screen. We wouldn’t be bogged down in all the details, just taken on this journey. A journey of one woman and the butterfly effects of her life. There is no other way to describe it.
I don’t think I have any more words for this book, bar go read it. It’s breathtaking, emotive and it’s magical.
There is something completely magical about this book. It’s got the feels of Sliding Doors but with the memories. I fell in love with Lauren and her lives. So many different stories, threads, lives crossing over and around us. It was well just magical.
Lauren Pailing has had a life of it. But she has not had one life she’s had a few. We have the “original” life, we have her life after she died, and then whole different life. Lauren is quite simply a pure soul, no other words for her. We then have chapters with her father and her mother, all with different outcomes to the fateful day. That’s all I can say on the plot. Only one constant in each life is Peter Stanning disappears. This is the only bit I haven’t worked out, but I am ok with that, I am not bogged down with the why’s and how’s and have taken this book for the enjoyment it has brought me.
I went in without reading any reviews and brushing over the blurb because I didn’t want any spoilers. I can’t remember why I bought the book. I think the cover and the title sucked me in and I knew I had to read it. I wish I hadn’t waited so long but I am glad I did. I read this over 2 days and I kept thinking about it when I wasn’t reading it. There is an air of mysticism and I am glad it wasn’t ruined in any way. For me, everything worked. The speed of the stories, the background, the different “doors” of Lauren’s life. I may have cried, a few certain scenes with Tim and George. I really could not fathom how this would all play out but I was sent on a beautiful journey but not without its heartbreaks.
God, I want to say so much more. I thought I had read my favourite book of 2020 and everyone knows it was my favourite but I tell you what, this book well this book might just be the book to knock it off its pedestal and that is saying something. I thought that being nearly 400 pages it would take days but I flew through it. The writing by Alyson is so engaging, she knows when to pull you in and when to let you flounder on your own. Easily, so easily see this being made into a film. It would be perfect for the big screen. We wouldn’t be bogged down in all the details, just taken on this journey. A journey of one woman and the butterfly effects of her life. There is no other way to describe it.
I don’t think I have any more words for this book, bar go read it. It’s breathtaking, emotive and it’s magical.
July 14, 2019
I am really unsure how a feel about this book as it was different to any that I have read before. I wouldn't say it was an awful read, it just confused me so much.
May 10, 2019
I have mixed feelings about this book, I enjoyed elements of it and it is probably the most original time slip book that I have read but I was left disappointed by the ending.
Lauren Pailing is a young girl experiencing a new found freedom when she is involved in an accident. What follows is the imaginings of the story from different perspectives. In some strands Lauren survives and recovers and in others she has died and her family are left to try and find a way through. These stories also split until there are multiple threads of stories told in alternating chapters.
The story is undoubtedly very clever however with so many variances I never quite felt that all of the characters were fully formed. Their personalities seem to change with each re-invention but you can never quite find each characters truth.
There is a second narrative within the story, the disappearance of Peter Stanning and with so much energy focused on his story and his whereabouts I was sorely disappointed when this was finally revealed and the ending felt a little rushed.
Lauren Pailing is a young girl experiencing a new found freedom when she is involved in an accident. What follows is the imaginings of the story from different perspectives. In some strands Lauren survives and recovers and in others she has died and her family are left to try and find a way through. These stories also split until there are multiple threads of stories told in alternating chapters.
The story is undoubtedly very clever however with so many variances I never quite felt that all of the characters were fully formed. Their personalities seem to change with each re-invention but you can never quite find each characters truth.
There is a second narrative within the story, the disappearance of Peter Stanning and with so much energy focused on his story and his whereabouts I was sorely disappointed when this was finally revealed and the ending felt a little rushed.
June 9, 2019
Ok, this started out an enjoyable read and I found myself wanting to find out more. Then it went a bit dull and I really had to keep plugging on as I thought I must find out what this book is going to end like and found I was left a bit disappointed and empty. #NetGalley#TheFirstTimeLaurenPailingDied
October 14, 2019
I just glanced through other esteemed, erudite reviewers' synopses of this story to grasp at a basic and elemental understanding of this bright, well-reviewed and multi-paged volume which I received, after several months of waiting, from my local library's hold shelf. Phew, end of sentence! That's my approximation of Rudd's overwritten, twee sludge that was such heavy reading I didn't get past page 10. Someone actually called this "light reading!" I truly admire their ability to get through this. Awkward sentences with glaringly misused words sadly hid from me what might have been an interesting plot. I would have enjoyed this kind of writing when I was 12 or 13 and racing through Lord of the Rings and Mervyn Peake, and getting off on pages and pages of detailed telling, but it doesn't bring me any joy today. No spoilers here because I have no idea what I actually read.
April 16, 2020
This really was not for me. I was confused most of the time and I think my expectations were different than what was given. I feel as if the description is misleading. I did not like any of the characters whatsoever, and the story was super random and seemed very disjointed. Also really didn’t like the writing style. I felt like there was no emotion conveyed and every character was one-dimensional. Really really really did not enjoy this and skimmed the last half.
August 21, 2019
A debut that confused but also intrigued me.
Lauren Pailing has always felt there’s something unusual about her. She sees sunbeams that nobody else can see and talks to her mother about things that haven’t happened. She talks about ‘other mothers’ and it felt like we might be going into creepy Coraline territory. I really was quite confused at the start, because when Lauren is 13 she’s on holiday with family friends and is killed. However, we then veer into what I suppose you’d call alternate universes where Lauren is alive or where the outcomes are different.
As I tried to piece together exactly what had happened in each I was muddled. As the voices of each character become clearer, and we develop the story of each it did get more easy to differentiate between them.
There is a common strand in each life - the disappearance of a family friend and the role his family plays in Lauren’s life.
I liked the fact that the answers to what was happening were not the focus. This was an exploration of loss and love, and how events shape us. It’s probably best to know little more than you’re given before reading this.
Thanks to NetGalley for letting me read this in exchange for my thoughts. I can’t wait to see what Rudd comes up with next.
Lauren Pailing has always felt there’s something unusual about her. She sees sunbeams that nobody else can see and talks to her mother about things that haven’t happened. She talks about ‘other mothers’ and it felt like we might be going into creepy Coraline territory. I really was quite confused at the start, because when Lauren is 13 she’s on holiday with family friends and is killed. However, we then veer into what I suppose you’d call alternate universes where Lauren is alive or where the outcomes are different.
As I tried to piece together exactly what had happened in each I was muddled. As the voices of each character become clearer, and we develop the story of each it did get more easy to differentiate between them.
There is a common strand in each life - the disappearance of a family friend and the role his family plays in Lauren’s life.
I liked the fact that the answers to what was happening were not the focus. This was an exploration of loss and love, and how events shape us. It’s probably best to know little more than you’re given before reading this.
Thanks to NetGalley for letting me read this in exchange for my thoughts. I can’t wait to see what Rudd comes up with next.
August 19, 2019
As a child, Lauren Pailing could see beams of light that showed different lives of the people she knows. At the age of 13, whilst on holiday with family friends, she falls off the back of a vehicle and dies. Where she promptly finds herself in an alternate universe where she's still alive, goes off to college, finds a job and a husband and then dies in childbirth. And so begins another life where she's married to the brother of her childhood friend. The narrative veers between Lauren and the people she loves in the various lives she's inhabited. I wasn't sure about this at first but the writing is brilliant and Lauren is a great character. For those who don't think the sci-fi aspect is for them, this is more a novel about love and loss.
did-not-finish
October 14, 2019Surprising to me as it got off to such a good start, but this is my verdict for now at about 30% in. I have too many books on my tbr list to keep going with a book that had become a bit boring.
I feel as though there's the seed of a fascinating story in here. I was quite intrigued at the beginning, enjoying Lauren's voice and her perspective on the unusual things she encounters in her life. I got invested in her as a character and wanted to know more about her and why she was so unique - and then it seemed as though just as I was really getting into it, we switch to a different POV. That threw me off, but I kept going, hoping that it would get better.
Unfortunately, at least as far as I've gotten so far, it hasn't. There are alternating POVs and a couple of different timelines going on and I'm just not all that interested in either of them to be honest. There's a hint of a mystery (that I ended up spoiling myself on just as I decided to DNF it) but even that isn't all that... I don't know, special? I guess I just expected it to be more impactful. Of course this is from a glance at the end of the book without having read the last two thirds, but I wanted to see if I felt compelled to keep pushing through. Unfortunately it just all feels a bit mundane which contrasts with the very beginning, which was not mundane at all.
Perhaps I'll come back to it someday as I really was fascinated at the beginning.
I feel as though there's the seed of a fascinating story in here. I was quite intrigued at the beginning, enjoying Lauren's voice and her perspective on the unusual things she encounters in her life. I got invested in her as a character and wanted to know more about her and why she was so unique - and then it seemed as though just as I was really getting into it, we switch to a different POV. That threw me off, but I kept going, hoping that it would get better.
Unfortunately, at least as far as I've gotten so far, it hasn't. There are alternating POVs and a couple of different timelines going on and I'm just not all that interested in either of them to be honest. There's a hint of a mystery (that I ended up spoiling myself on just as I decided to DNF it) but even that isn't all that... I don't know, special? I guess I just expected it to be more impactful. Of course this is from a glance at the end of the book without having read the last two thirds, but I wanted to see if I felt compelled to keep pushing through. Unfortunately it just all feels a bit mundane which contrasts with the very beginning, which was not mundane at all.
Perhaps I'll come back to it someday as I really was fascinated at the beginning.
September 26, 2019
This may just be the best book I've read this year. The premise is one that other authors have done before (how many lives do we lead?) but the twist in this one makes it the kind of book you can't put down. The characters are so well drawn and Lauren herself is just such a wonderful character. The ending packed an emotional punch, not so much for the ending itself but the journey in getting there. 5 stars.
October 18, 2019
I loved this beautiful book
March 9, 2020
4.5*
Great book. Great characters and a story that surprised me and almost had me in tears.
Great book. Great characters and a story that surprised me and almost had me in tears.
March 12, 2024
Weird in a boring way
October 5, 2019
Really good idea; great sense of place and some interesting characters but just doesn’t execute the concept as cleanly as I’d like
Full review - https://www.runalongtheshelves.net/bl...
Full review - https://www.runalongtheshelves.net/bl...
June 5, 2020
I found the idea of a different version of us continuing after we die intriguing and although the different lives of Lauren weren’t particularly dramatic, I still had a hard time putting the book down. It did seem that tragedy and sadness was rather inevitable for each life, which left me feeling a little heavy by the end.
August 30, 2023
Quite a lovely book that had an annoyingly unsatisfying ending 🙄
July 25, 2023
Loved this book! Such an interesting story, and in reality, there are so many main characters rather than just one since the perspective changes every chapter!
February 22, 2023
next time i see a sunbeam … i will panic
December 15, 2019
In Lauren Pailing's world, you don't die until it's time for you to die. So, if you die before it's your time, you slip instead into a different world, parallel to this one, similar but different. The same people accompany you through life, but they are, at the same time, different people who made different choices. This was a wonderful book, similar to Life After Life or the film Closing Doors.
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