My Miserable Life as an Asian Boy Growing up in America: Humiliation, forced feminization, forced homosexuality, castration, brainwashing, slavery, solitary confinement, despair

by Ling Anderson

Humiliation, forced feminization, forced homosexuality, castration, brainwashing, slavery, solitary confinement, despair I have been born into a prison, and my body is my prison. I was never allowed to be the real me, and this life is a mere transient state to which I could never call home, and all my life I have been waiting, waiting to escape, to return home, to a world that is mine. This entire existence is my prison. I cannot think. I cannot move. I must endure silently. I still remember the times I saw my mother being fucked by my step dad and I had to look away, in disgust, in horror, and in envy. Even though I turned away, I would jealously leer at them, fighting back tears of unfulfilled desire. How much I wish it was to me that my step dad would show the same affection. The sight of my mother being filled to the brim with his powerful white cock made me tingle, and, ever since I could remember, I resented my little asian peepee. I wished I was an Asian girl so I could be fucked by my white step dad too, but he simply refused to touch me. He would complement me on how feminine I was, how little I was, how much he loved the fact that asian boys are basically interchangeable with girls, and how often he jokingly referred to me as a girl, but he never actually treated me like the girl I am. He never loved me the way he loved mommy. I hated him. Yet I loved him and looked up to him, and even worshipped him. And as long as I can remember, I have always wished that I could find a white man just like my white step dad, but unlike my step dad, my white man will castrate me, keep me as a girl for the rest of my life. I want to be fucked in the same way my white step dad fucked my asian mother.

200 pages, Paperback

Published June 4, 2018

Reviews

[Charles]

The author of this book is mentally unstable to a degree that I think the law might need to intervine.

Content warning: Everything. All the things that would need a warning.

I have this bad habit of seeing these strange looking little self published books and can't figure out what they're about, so I read them to find out. I don't think I've ever once been pleasantly surprised by what I wound up reading. This is certainly the least pleasant of surprises, because the ideas in this book are utterly vile. I've been adding quotes from this author to Goodreads because I don't think Amazon or other booksellers would offer this book if they knew what it contained, and I'm hoping I can get the word out there so that they can at least be aware of what they're selling.

This book is broken up into four parts. The first is the author discussing his academic life, and the difficulty he found trying to adapt to the student life. The need for copy-editing on this book is apparent from the first page. Basic grammatical mistakes abound. The author does mention that English isn't his first language, but I'm fairly certain these are the sort of typos done out of lack of proofreading rather than language barrier. It's also around this time that he discussed at length how he feels like he's in a prison. He uses that simile about once every 10 pages, saying that he feels trapped in this society, and it's not really clear where he's going with this at the early stage of the book, but he clearly has trouble navigating academia, which is something that I think a lot of students feel, and I include myself in there. It wasn't until grad school that I realized the reason for this has more to do with a poorly set-up educational system than anything else. Not that that's either here or there. I'm not even sure why he includes this part, other than he needs to kvetch about a world that could have raised him to be a great academic but didn't care enough to.

The second part he titles his 'philosophy.' His ideas are like lovechild of Alfred Ploetz and Ayn Rand. He sees groups like the Chinese and Jews as having been able to subsist on their intelligence or their deceitfulness or their ability to invoke pity or something, and now that these groups are large and powerful, they have corrupted the evolution of humans so that we're no longer as good as we should be. This is the sort of stuff that I hope people understand is bullshit when they learn about what evolution by natural selection actual entails, and it's in that hope, and for the sake of brevity, that I won't bother explaining why this kind of idea is silly. He additionally talks about how awful women are, and how feminism has made women able to take power by crying victim-hood, and really it's men who are the victims because, according to him, women can achieve orgasm while being raped so they got it good being used for sex and maybe staying in the kitchen. He of course is against mixed race baby making. Not against mixed race sex, but he warns white men that those crafty women of color are going to try to steal your perfect white genes by throwing down slick thirst traps. It's in this part that he refers to himself several times as a white woman. I don't know why this is, and I'm not sure if I'm using his correct pronouns, but in my defense, his thoughts are so disorganized and disconnected that I don't think you can really blame me. Basically, the first 100 pages of this book is far right rambling, and the last 100 pages don't get any better.

The third section talks about his family and home life, and this is where he becomes really hard to follow. He continually talks about events and situations that couldn't possibly happen in chronological order, but since he only mentions the name of one person, and doesn't do a great job of describing situations or settings, it becomes a confusing mess. In short, he was born to a Chinese mother and a Japanese father. His mother worked as a prostitute in Japan and he never met his Father. His mother married an American and they moved to the states, where she worked as a prostitute again and he would have to listen to her haggle with johns from his room. She then remarried again and her third husband started raising the author to be effeminate and he would get beat up at school and stuff. His mother remarried yet again and his new stepfather was unaware that the author was male, and they started an above-the-waist affair. When his stepfather discovered his penis he almost killed him, but instead sent him to live with a gay conversion therapist who, after unsuccessfully sodomizing the author straight, gave him up as a lost cause and recommended castration. There's a lot more description of rape and sex and beating and all that, but that's about the gist.

This part reads like it's an elaborate fantasy, for the author. I don't want to say what did and did not happen to the author, but there are several parts of this section that, with my precursory knowledge of the effects of hormone replacement therapy and of life in China, don't seem at all accurate.

He talks about being able to achieve and maintain an erection after being chemically castrated and on female hormones for several years. I'm pretty sure that doesn't work. I mean, if you go off hormones for a while, I think you can get an erection again, but the story doesn't really suggest that's the way this happened. It also seems to suggest that female hormones caused him to become attracted to men (particularly white men with big dicks). That's also not how that usually works. In fact, last I heard, the majority of trans women identified as lesbian.

He talks about a factory in China that his stepfather visited where the women were stripped naked and beaten every day by foreign factory owners. From what I've seen during my two years living in China, if you even thought about trying to do something like that you would be imprisoned for the rest of your natural life and the Chinese media would hold you up as a warning story for their citizens not to trust foreigners.

Some people have a racism fetish, and it makes my skin crawl, but as long as it's being done by adults giving enthusiastic consent, I don't think ill of anyone who gets off in that way. I think this might be what this book is about, bu I'm not really clear on where the racism ends and where the fetish begins. Honestly, there isn't a whole heck of a lot that is clear in this book. What is clear, is that he experienced some serious trauma and/or is extremely delusional. It's also, just not very hot. Like, I understand how erotic literature is written and I understand how right wing propaganda is written and overall this book feels a lot more like right wing propaganda. In fact, at one point I assumed that this was a nom de plume of some Nazi who wanted to write something making Asians look bad, but nope, this is a real guy.

The last section of the book talks about what a perfect world would look like for Ling Anderson. People don't leave their homes, so there's no crime. Asians have been selectively bread for obedience and sex drive for white men to keep as concubines. This is true of both male and female Asians. Male Asians are castrated at birth and fed hormones, except a select few who are used for breeding the next generation of Asians. It's just white people and Asian people. Everyone else has been put on a rocket ship to Mars. Why Mars? I don't know. I thought it was kind of an odd choice, personally. Of everything in this book, I would say the idea of putting all non-white, non-Asian people on a rocket ship and sending them to Mars was the closest thing to interesting just because it was such a strange racist goal that I'd never heard of before.

So, final summation, I'm extremely worried for the author of this book. He seems really angry and it seems like he has a poor grasp on reality and I am worried that he is going to be the next Elliot Roger if someone doesn't do something. If you have any advice on what to do about finding help for some random author of a book that nobody's heard of before, please let me know. I'm thinking about contacting Randy Blazak to see if he can offer any advice.

[Paul Clinco · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ling Anderson:
MY MISERABLE LIFE;
JOURNEY THROUGH A TORTURED MIND.

Reviewed by Gareth B.


Readers generally have expectations of book-length works such as “novel”, or “memoir”, or “journal”, told by techniques such as “narrative” or “stream of consciousness.” One generally doesn’t expect long digressions into world politics, horror, surrealism, complex human sexuality or psychodynamics. Yet these works are all that and more.

Ling had a Japanese father and a Chinese mother, was adopted (or perhaps sold) at 12 to an American who raised him in a fundamentalist culture. While he was a boy who had dreams of having a girlfriend, he was forcibly feminized and eventually embraced his role as a feminine Asian submissive. But the ambivalence of this identity is a major part of these works. Ling expresses endless contempt for Asian men who can’t attract girlfriends, and recommends that they embrace a submissive homosexuality, which he both celebrates and denigrates throughout these works. The cover photo of MY MISERABLE LIFE is Ling herself. The result is the torture and misery in the titles, a severe ambivalence combining a deep self-loathing with a celebration of freedom. She gives his expression of this ambivalence exhausting length, which only sharply focuses her misery.

She expresses a profound, distressing racist attitude. She is only attracted to white men, which she considers a superior race. She has nothing but contempt for other ethnicities, not sparing her own. She doesn’t send as much time in this as on gender identity, but the racist attitude underlying this is always plainly present.

Her racist attitude pervades her discussion of world politics. He extensively considers the political rise of China, that the Japanese-Chinese hostility is not nearly as bad as presented in the Western press, that the Rape of Nanking was merely one of untold uncounted similar episodes in the history of Asian warfare and, for Asian people, was no special atrocity. This is all filtered through a view of Asian sexuality, the desirability of Asian men, the capacity of Asian women to be sexually pleasing, especially for white men.

Although she makes no secret of her Asian ancestry, she occasionally refers to herself as white.
Although she makes no secret of being male, she loves to be sexually submissive to while men, including being sexually penetrated by them, experiences she both prefers and resents.
Although he soft-pedals his intelligence, she makes no secret of her love for mathematics nor her Ph.D. in that field. Despite her adorable appearance, she is anything but a bimbo.

Mathematics was Ling’s one satisfying activity. She failed at the first attempt a grad school in mathematics, but tried again later, this time putting minimal effort into other required courses, achieving an average was 4.0. A thread in these works is that she doesn’t suffer fools – but this is another source of ambivalence if those fools happen to be white men of no particular accomplishment.

The most horrific section, in TORTURED MIND, is an extensive, exhaustive fantasy of the world run by cockroaches. Ling has created a pair of human beings, “A” and “B”, who, while distinct characters who often argue, seem to be two aspects of Ling herself. One of them casually squashed a cockroach under foot, and both are convicted of murder and sentenced to death, although the sentence is interminably delayed as A and B are forced to survive hideous incarceration. This section of the book is long, but has a macabre fascination, increasingly eerie. It is, of course, a hideous analog to today’s broader culture, and seems like it was written by Franz Kafka while on a nightmare acid bad trip, with echoes of Philip Roth. Filtered through the tortures and miseries of Ling’s situation, it’s a deeply disturbing vision of his wretched life.

Throughout both books, the irrepressible brilliance of the author is present on every page. An additional torture and misery is that the author is trapped in her all-encompassing sexual ambivalences, still living the life of torture and misery so indelibly portrayed in these pages. Yet throughout, there is no whining or self—pity. She accepts and portrays her life with these surrealistic horrors without demanding either the reader’s complicity with her torturers or assuming the reader’s own pity. Altogether, these books are a unique, original achievement.

[Jonathan NOSSEK · Rating 5 out of 5]

Une explosion de sincérité. Pur et surprenant ce livre ce place en marge d'une société construite autour d'un but commun qui visiblement ne correspond pas à tout le monde. En témoigne cette esclave.. Enchaînée parce que c'est sa place. Enchaînée qu'elle ne se voit pas vivre autrement.. Parce que c'est sa culture et sa société à elle. Elle nous livre sans retenu tout ce qui fait qu'elle est elle même. Sans armure. Sans faux semblant. Elle est pure et c'est où elle va. Une magnifique lecture que je recommande.

[Kawaii_rice · Rating 5 out of 5]

So let me get this out of the way.

Is it a racist book? Yes.

Should that stop you reading the book? No.

To be frank, this is the most astonishing book on Asian American that I have ever read.

When the author is not writing intense descriptions of the self-hatred Ling Anderson actually writes very well. Not only is it beautifully written (even when being shockingly cruel), but it is the most accurate snapshot you could hope to read about being Asian in America.

This is not an easy book to read, but I urge you all to do so.

[MikeM · Rating 5 out of 5]

A wonderful book an Asian boy who come to terms with being the servant of white men. All Asians need to learn from Ling.

[Jiv Johnson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ll never forget reading this

[Bswitch · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great summary of the Asian Male experience

[Travelingchef9 · Rating 5 out of 5]

My miserable life; the self written story of ling Anderson’s personal journey through the un sheltered abuses of the sexual world from child hood to adult life. A tremendous read you are pulled out of your comfortable existence by Ling and shown a life of forced philosophies that were the foundation for a life time of cruelty and exploitation. We are shown the soul of another and how strong one can be when life, personal choice and identity are stripped away leaving you to be nothing more than a receptacle for others. I could see like a peeper looking through the curtains of a window what was happening to form the person and ideologies that today is Ling Anderson

take the time for understanding what it is you are sharing with the world; walking in to the room being shown this is the bed where my lifestyle was formed, this is the mother who showed me what my life should have been, these are the men who decided what my worth in life would be is not something for those with a weak constitution. We meet the author and are introduced to a cursory Ling in the present recounting some of early life and those involved in it. Then we go to the core of this book the philosophy of Ling Anderson here is where we separate the weak from the strong. The weak will stop here write poor reviews and cry about being forced to see a view of life that differs from their own sheltered version. The strong will continue on to meet the person and learn of the beatings, indignities, rapes, isolation and eventual emasculation. Do not despair as you will find just as I did in these pages that Ling Anderson has a strength many do not, what was made to be a free use slave of the weak men in authority is actually an independent sub with free thoughts and ideas not to be discounted.

An Asian boy growing up in America, this should be required reading for all who seek to expand their understanding of the world and peoples place in it.

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great read very interesting book.

[Mari Bor · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an amazing read. I truly recommend this if you want to read about the real experience living as an Asian boy.

[Joe Oates · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book and I'd love to meet the author for a nice long talk!

[Michael Taylor · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very interesting book and can't wait for more

[Reinasblack · Rating 5 out of 5]

Riveting story,had me on the edge of my seat

[Robert Wolfe · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book should be read by both masters and slaves, so they can see it throw the eyes of the person who's been throw this for many years.

[Sharon Dolan · Rating 4 out of 5]

hm. Won’t forget this book for a long time. We have an unreliable narrator who is deeply racist against herself(?) and others. Lots of vile ideas, some of which are described in a semi-seductive semi-logical but ultimately deranged way. The book starts out as a narration of andersons academic life and is interspersed with some genuine academic concepts along with some misinterpreted or plainly made up ones too—mostly about race. It then moves into race smut written by a clearly traumatized individual. The way this person understands themselves and the world around them is so intensely different from my own, reading this felt much like watching a powerful animal rotting away in a too-small cage at the zoo. Anderson is obsessed with intelligence but has failed to understand how that correlates to a life well lived. Very very strange book that reeks of 4chan, but still somehow deeply engrossing, despite the numerous grammatical errors. I enjoyed the crazy read. i’m loaning it to some friends.

[ARS · Rating 1 out of 5]

Man I dont even know where to start with this book. Ill first say I found this purely because of a joke because someone had posted this title which I found hilarious, but Im not going to hold it against it for having such a terrible title perhaps the actual content is decent? However thats also just wishful thinking the book felt so surreal and more like a rant on the Authors life style that I couldnt really put up with reading it farther than the first 30 ish pages. The book featured a ton of grammatical mistakes which I usually never pick up on but they just stood out so much, the content felt repetitive. Honestly cant say much about the book since I didnt want to put up with reading it much longer. And to be fair I also wouldnt be writing this review, but I'm pretty sure the author made alts and had them rate it 5 stars which is pretty far from what it actually is.

[Peter Pepper · Rating 5 out of 5]

I find it difficult not to take issue with Charles' review. It is difficult to admit one's shortcomings and inadequacies to oneself (which is perhaps why most of us never do), but to share them with perfect strangers? That takes a kind of bravery I do not possess, and I suspect few of the people reading this do either. My hat is off to Ling Anderson, because she obviously does.

As to Charles' remark "basic grammatical mistakes abound:" I cannot help taking serious issue. In the sentence -- "Sometimes, the foreign man would ask her if she were married" -- Anderson makes use of the subjunctive case. With the exception of students of Latin, a rarity in years past and except for Roman Catholic priests not at all to be found today, almost no one understands why "were" is used instead of "was." (That is what comes of imposing Latin grammar on a Germanic language.) But Anderson obviously does.

Anderson is a writer of sensitivity and skill, and as anyone who has viewed her pictures cannot help but be aware, is a beauty as well. I envious of any man she chooses for a companion.

Peter
Palm Beach, Florida

[Nehuén · Rating 5 out of 5]

As I said this on a BDSM community website I love what he writes. I felt a connection while reading what he wrote. I like the way he thinks. Asian boys are lesser creatures. They must submit to white men and white cocks. I hope he one day find his white men to put him on his place.

[Cardifffan22 · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent read!

[Andi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very good Book

[Abez · Rating 5 out of 5]

asd

[Corwin Mcloud · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good book to read, hard book to read, honest book to read.

[Ian Clarke · Rating 5 out of 5]

Have just finished this book and have to say it gives a fantastic insight to the writers feelings, how the writer grew up and became the submissive it is today..reccomend you read it...

[Diane Vassy]

I came here because Lings pix are so amazing. I just had to know more of her story.

[Larry Aureo · Rating 5 out of 5]

A brutal shocking memoir. This is a deeply disturbing, brutally honest look at how a damaged person internalized racism and fetishized it.

[horsedewormerenjoyer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book. It reminded me of the repressed posters on the Asian masculinity subreddits.