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Grown and Flown: How to Support Your Teen, Stay Close as a Family, and Raise Independent Adults
PARENTING NEVER ENDS.
From the founders of the #1 site for parents of teens and young adults comes an essential guide for building strong relationships with your teens and preparing them to successfully launch into adulthood
The high school and college years: an extended roller coaster of academics, friends, first loves, first break-ups, driver’s ed, jobs, and everything in between. Kids are constantly changing and how we parent them must change, too. But how do we stay close as a family as our lives move apart?
Enter the co-founders of Grown and Flown, Lisa Heffernan and Mary Dell Harrington. In the midst of guiding their own kids through this transition, they launched what has become the largest website and online community for parents of fifteen to twenty-five year olds. Now they’ve compiled new takeaways and fresh insights from all that they’ve learned into this handy, must-have guide.
GROWN AND FLOWN is a one-stop resource for parenting teenagers, leading up to―and through―high school and those first years of independence. It covers everything from the monumental (how to let your kids go) to the mundane (how to shop for a dorm room). Organized by topic―such as academics, anxiety and mental health, college life―it features a combination of stories, advice from professionals, and practical sidebars.
Consider this your parenting lifeline: an easy-to-use manual that offers support and perspective. GROWN AND FLOWN is required reading for anyone looking to raise an adult with whom you have an enduring, profound connection.
From the founders of the #1 site for parents of teens and young adults comes an essential guide for building strong relationships with your teens and preparing them to successfully launch into adulthood
The high school and college years: an extended roller coaster of academics, friends, first loves, first break-ups, driver’s ed, jobs, and everything in between. Kids are constantly changing and how we parent them must change, too. But how do we stay close as a family as our lives move apart?
Enter the co-founders of Grown and Flown, Lisa Heffernan and Mary Dell Harrington. In the midst of guiding their own kids through this transition, they launched what has become the largest website and online community for parents of fifteen to twenty-five year olds. Now they’ve compiled new takeaways and fresh insights from all that they’ve learned into this handy, must-have guide.
GROWN AND FLOWN is a one-stop resource for parenting teenagers, leading up to―and through―high school and those first years of independence. It covers everything from the monumental (how to let your kids go) to the mundane (how to shop for a dorm room). Organized by topic―such as academics, anxiety and mental health, college life―it features a combination of stories, advice from professionals, and practical sidebars.
Consider this your parenting lifeline: an easy-to-use manual that offers support and perspective. GROWN AND FLOWN is required reading for anyone looking to raise an adult with whom you have an enduring, profound connection.
368 pages, Hardcover
First published September 3, 2019
337 people are currently reading
2407 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 116 reviews
December 4, 2019
I’m part of the Grown and Flown FB group and they post some really wonderful parenting articles. I think I was a bit early in reading the actual book. I think this book would be great if you have a senior or end-of-year junior in high school. My eldest is still a sophomore so I’m not really in the stage that this book is probably targeted towards. I think the book was a little misleading making you think that you were going to read about how to raise an independent teenager but instead it gives you very specific details on shopping for college and what drop off day will be like. I was a bit disappointed. I may pick this book back up in another year or two when we are closer to being college bound.
November 12, 2019
Instead of "Grown and Flown: How to Support Your Teen, Stay Close as a Family, and Raise Independent Adults" it should be "... :How to help launch your kid to a University with success" not ... Independent adults. This book goes ad nauseam into how to prepare you child for the University. Yes, there is some talk of we need tech and some kids will go into community college (no some kids don't even do that!) So how do you launch them? Or what about the kids that do drop out, 58% after the first year of a University, yes, some go to local C.C./J.C. but what about the other
So 84% of kids graduate high school, 93% when adding G.E.D. or other (National Center for Ed... and that article claims 47% earn at least an AA, 37% a bachelors and 9% higher degree. So less that 1/2 go on to even get an A.A. or A.S. degree. So using those numbers 10% of kids get an A.A. that don't go on and get a University degree. So there are a lot more that end up without any college degree. Where is the support for those that don't even look into that, that go into cosmetology like she said. This doesn't help those people. And unluckily, a lot of those people are the one where the kids had a failure to launch and come home and try working, and going back to school, and working, and... whatever. This book failed there completely and if you are going to claim "Raise Independent Adults" you cannot hand pick only the ones that are going to University. And yes, a lot of famous people started at community college like Tom Hanks, etc... (I think that is one that is missed)
So, really this is halfway for me as I'm looking at highschool for my daughter and yes, we will probably look at Universities for her. My son is a failure to launch child. I believe she did touch on some of the issues he had/has, what to do now, not so much but there were some. As for my H.S. student, yes there is a bit of good advice mixed in with A LOT of "stories" and these are stories of helicopter parents that are into buying everything that is needed for the dorm, lists and lists of necessities, it is enough for me to want to crawl under a rock. I was like that with my first but I think it does a disservices and the kids are not adjusted as well to independence. Somethings have to be learned on their own. And because we do this today, our kids fail in the first year away. Independence isn't taught, it is given. Yes, you give the values to follow and safety net but over all they have to make the choices. If they have no practice, only advice, that isn't good enough. I think this did go into this nicely at some points but it also then wrote lists and lists of things to note at the dorm. OK at that point it should be the child noting these things mom. You already went into this with the preparing through H.S., argh.
So 15-20% of the book is talking about moving in your child and want to "do" for him and the emotions that go along. The emotions that are touched upon are the sadness, crying, very emotional. Yes, she does mention that not all mothers do this and those that don't, doesn't mean that they are not emotional, and those that do, doesn't mean they are not happy for their child. OK then why do we have to get several stories on crying and emotional moms, how to deal with the emotions, the different ways to cope. Is this "How to Cope with Your Child Going to the University" or is this, how to raise an independent adult and their emotions.
So there was a lot of filler to get through to get to some very good information. And then there was a lot of, "yes, I already know that but thanks for reminding me". It was good, on the fence to as I though 3 1/2 but it just wasn't great and didn't answer the front cover completely. So 3 I think. I will use some of the advice that I bookmarked.
So 84% of kids graduate high school, 93% when adding G.E.D. or other (National Center for Ed... and that article claims 47% earn at least an AA, 37% a bachelors and 9% higher degree. So less that 1/2 go on to even get an A.A. or A.S. degree. So using those numbers 10% of kids get an A.A. that don't go on and get a University degree. So there are a lot more that end up without any college degree. Where is the support for those that don't even look into that, that go into cosmetology like she said. This doesn't help those people. And unluckily, a lot of those people are the one where the kids had a failure to launch and come home and try working, and going back to school, and working, and... whatever. This book failed there completely and if you are going to claim "Raise Independent Adults" you cannot hand pick only the ones that are going to University. And yes, a lot of famous people started at community college like Tom Hanks, etc... (I think that is one that is missed)
So, really this is halfway for me as I'm looking at highschool for my daughter and yes, we will probably look at Universities for her. My son is a failure to launch child. I believe she did touch on some of the issues he had/has, what to do now, not so much but there were some. As for my H.S. student, yes there is a bit of good advice mixed in with A LOT of "stories" and these are stories of helicopter parents that are into buying everything that is needed for the dorm, lists and lists of necessities, it is enough for me to want to crawl under a rock. I was like that with my first but I think it does a disservices and the kids are not adjusted as well to independence. Somethings have to be learned on their own. And because we do this today, our kids fail in the first year away. Independence isn't taught, it is given. Yes, you give the values to follow and safety net but over all they have to make the choices. If they have no practice, only advice, that isn't good enough. I think this did go into this nicely at some points but it also then wrote lists and lists of things to note at the dorm. OK at that point it should be the child noting these things mom. You already went into this with the preparing through H.S., argh.
So 15-20% of the book is talking about moving in your child and want to "do" for him and the emotions that go along. The emotions that are touched upon are the sadness, crying, very emotional. Yes, she does mention that not all mothers do this and those that don't, doesn't mean that they are not emotional, and those that do, doesn't mean they are not happy for their child. OK then why do we have to get several stories on crying and emotional moms, how to deal with the emotions, the different ways to cope. Is this "How to Cope with Your Child Going to the University" or is this, how to raise an independent adult and their emotions.
So there was a lot of filler to get through to get to some very good information. And then there was a lot of, "yes, I already know that but thanks for reminding me". It was good, on the fence to as I though 3 1/2 but it just wasn't great and didn't answer the front cover completely. So 3 I think. I will use some of the advice that I bookmarked.
July 22, 2022
I’ve tried to read this for a year or two but finally reached the point where it became a necessity. It hit a sweet spot for me with an incoming Junior in high school and a kid leaving for college in a matter of weeks. The book has advice for both time frames. I was able to analyze the things we did with the older kid that I want to change with the younger kids and it reinforced that my instincts are pretty good and I think I did many things well. Drop off is going to be brutal in the very near future but I think I’ve got a better grasp now of how to pull myself together. I’m not the first person in the world who feels like their heart is breaking and sees this as actual grief. Thanks to the authors for making me feel more normal.
November 8, 2019
Nothing earth shattering and leaned way more involved than I think they were trying to advocate. Feel like both sides presented but still overtly involved in the launch.
October 14, 2019
Any parent of a teenager knows that this stage of child-rearing is where the real work begins. The physical exhaustion of chasing toddlers is no match for the extended roller coaster of school, social life, mean kids, friendships, broken hearts, first loves and potential dangers that lurk as we help our children navigate the shoals of high school and college. As kids change, so must our parenting. The challenge of staying close and connected as a family only increases. That’s why the authors created the website Grown & Flown, which reaches millions of parents each month with children ages 15-25. This book is a wonderfully rich compendium of so much great information and wisdom, from the mundane (shopping for the dorm) to the serious (what if my child self-harms?) This book is packed with highly readable practical advice, individual stories and professional guidance. It’s a great gift for every parent, even if you aren’t there yet.
October 23, 2019
Listened on Audible. Meh. It was mostly common sense. If you went away to college, you know everything they’re going to say in this book. There was one section that explained why we miss our children so much when they leave for college, where I did feel like, yes, this put my thoughts into the right words. The rest of it was just okay.
March 11, 2020
3.75 Stars- "The Grown and Flown years begin the day your oldest secures a driving permit and end when your youngest moves into their first real apartment"
This book was a collection of advice, grouped by topic, which applies to late teen through college years. Several were personal essays which were quite helpful. There were a lot of things I agreed with, and there was advice I did not agree with. Think of this book as an a la carte situation.
One of the biggest issues in this age group is "helicopter parenting" or "lawn mower parenting" and I read advice in this book that felt like "helicopter" and some that felt like "support". It's a gray area for some situations (medical, mental health) where parents do need to stay involved, but pretty cut and dry in others (getting involved academically, helping navigate every single situation).
I thought the chapters on mental health and health in general were the most eye-opening and potentially the biggest gaps with our teens right now.
My notes:
A loved child will be who they are until they are discouraged.
Having a conversation with your kids about how they do not yet have very good split-second judgement.
I see potential in students written off because they don't meet the current definition of educational success stories.
Finding and nurturing (caring healthy romantic relationships) will be one of the keys to their lifelong happiness, yet as parents we spend frighteningly little time talking to them about how this might be done.
Good ?s to ask when their heart is broken (p.121)
Develop a healthy relationship with at least three teachers by the middle of junior year (for college applications and references)
p. 159- The Joy of an "Average" Kid
Many teenagers don't reach a level of maturity to find the impetus to work hard until after high school.
College admissions- This is one of life's best chances to teach your rseventeen year old something about how adults make complex, life-changing decisions.
No child has to submit to collegiate cross -examination. Can just say, "We're really just at the exploratory stage right now".
Don't choose a college where they will only be able to watch others perform. Choose a college where they will be likely to make the team, be cast in a play, join a music ensemble, and have a chance to engage in their passions.
Common Data Set/name of college - to search for information and comparisons between schools.
The excruciating truth is we often take our kids' disappointments harder than they do. We have dreams for our kids' lives even as they live in the here and now. Life is about to take your teen on a different path than the one you might have envisioned. Yes, we have all lived long enough to know that it might just be a better one.
Growth process- your sixteen year old might not be able to effectively plan and book an early campus visit, but your eighteen year old may have no trouble scheduling everything he needs for an accepted students visit.
The students who flourish in a university setting are those who actively seek out study groups that let them connect with their peers over academic content.
This book was a collection of advice, grouped by topic, which applies to late teen through college years. Several were personal essays which were quite helpful. There were a lot of things I agreed with, and there was advice I did not agree with. Think of this book as an a la carte situation.
One of the biggest issues in this age group is "helicopter parenting" or "lawn mower parenting" and I read advice in this book that felt like "helicopter" and some that felt like "support". It's a gray area for some situations (medical, mental health) where parents do need to stay involved, but pretty cut and dry in others (getting involved academically, helping navigate every single situation).
I thought the chapters on mental health and health in general were the most eye-opening and potentially the biggest gaps with our teens right now.
My notes:
A loved child will be who they are until they are discouraged.
Having a conversation with your kids about how they do not yet have very good split-second judgement.
I see potential in students written off because they don't meet the current definition of educational success stories.
Finding and nurturing (caring healthy romantic relationships) will be one of the keys to their lifelong happiness, yet as parents we spend frighteningly little time talking to them about how this might be done.
Good ?s to ask when their heart is broken (p.121)
Develop a healthy relationship with at least three teachers by the middle of junior year (for college applications and references)
p. 159- The Joy of an "Average" Kid
Many teenagers don't reach a level of maturity to find the impetus to work hard until after high school.
College admissions- This is one of life's best chances to teach your rseventeen year old something about how adults make complex, life-changing decisions.
No child has to submit to collegiate cross -examination. Can just say, "We're really just at the exploratory stage right now".
Don't choose a college where they will only be able to watch others perform. Choose a college where they will be likely to make the team, be cast in a play, join a music ensemble, and have a chance to engage in their passions.
Common Data Set/name of college - to search for information and comparisons between schools.
The excruciating truth is we often take our kids' disappointments harder than they do. We have dreams for our kids' lives even as they live in the here and now. Life is about to take your teen on a different path than the one you might have envisioned. Yes, we have all lived long enough to know that it might just be a better one.
Growth process- your sixteen year old might not be able to effectively plan and book an early campus visit, but your eighteen year old may have no trouble scheduling everything he needs for an accepted students visit.
The students who flourish in a university setting are those who actively seek out study groups that let them connect with their peers over academic content.
September 14, 2019
As a former teen who drove off in a snit to move herself into the dorms (soiled nest much?), I deeply appreciate the insights shared here that are a great blend of both practical experience & professional experts to navigate 21st century transitional parenting. Several books about this subject tend to lean towards droll or dry academic but this warmly engaging one is neither, organized well by topics and timeframe after an intro that could be edited down a bit. An optimal time to get the most from this book is from about the sophomore year of high school but I will come back to this plenty as the parent of a senior. I particularly found the 9 questions to assess a teen's college readiness helpful, and some of the tips shared in College Admissions were entirely new to me & others in this boat I quickly messaged about them when I thought I'd read every blog post possible about the process already. Thank you for the opportunity to review this ARC!
December 25, 2019
Since I'm a mother of teens and I have written for this website, I was curious to read the book. My teens are younger (14) than the target audience which focuses more on college prep and college. The book uses personal examples (the author's and other people), experts, and research to illustrate their points. I did find the information helpful but I think it will be more useful when my teens are older--I do plan to read it again then.
Currently reading
August 27, 2019A helpful guide for parents of teenagers. Once they get by the too long introduction, the book is full of good advice, well-presented. My kids are long out of college, but I will give them this book to guide them with our grandchildren.
October 3, 2019
2.5 stars. Audiobook. It was ok. Some decent points but nothing all that revelatory. Also, some of the anecdotes I found to be annoying and humble bragging. I liked this line: "There are only a few days in life that are like none other."
December 9, 2019
I love the blog- book not so much...
April 20, 2023
I love the G&F FB group, and parenting books, so I thought this would be a slam dunk. I’m….feeling like they rushed the whole “let’s write a book” thing. Most of the book is about letting go as your child grows. As in “don’t even look at your kids’ online grade portal.” Then out of the blue is the chapter on college move-in. I actually laughed out loud at parts of this chapter. This lady was WAY TOO INVOLVED and it didn’t match the rest of the book. A 35 pt checklist for decorating your dorm room? Get a life. It was a mixture of so-so advice and witnessing some overly involved parents. I don’t know what happened, but this is a weird one.
June 27, 2020
Overall this was a good parenting book for the high school and college years. Personally, I felt like the first few chapters dragged. There were a lot of stories but they were not actionable enough. I think the later chapters that get more into the college transition were more actionable and useful. I plan to revisit the book in a few years when we near those milestones.
March 21, 2024
This was useful. A little too American in focus and a little too focused on kids who are college bound. I would have appreciated more concrete advice for parents of kids taking other oaths… rather than just the usual ‘it’s okay to take other paths’. However, it never pretended to be more than it was and for the target audience, it is a good resource.
July 1, 2020
This was so informative and helpful to this about to be empty nester!
September 22, 2020
Great book to read when you have a senior applying to college and leaving the next. How to help them get ready for the transition as well as helping yourself say goodbye.
August 30, 2022
A must-read for parents of kids entering senior year. I listened to this book but would recommend the hard copy so you can see the lists and earmark them!
March 10, 2020
Although the majority of this book is geared towards college bound teens and their parents ( mainly juniors & seniors), there is a ton of information that I took in knowing I have a high school freshman this fall. I plan on buying this book and keeping it as a reference. There are informative checklists that will come in handy in four years. Highly recommend!!
March 12, 2020
A great book for parent of teens.
February 29, 2020
Useful. I’m sure I’ll refer back.
March 1, 2020
Great advice for a process we’re currently in the thick of!
February 23, 2020
I read this book for a book club at Haven's school. Definitely a good book to discuss with other parents at this same stage of life. There were some helpful tidbits and overall advice. Some of the timing of when I read it in my life was uncanny and allowed me to know that others experience some of the same things. Overall gave me a framework to process this stage of my life - and the life of my children.
November 28, 2019
I am a part of the Grown and Flown Facebook group which has been quite a resource in getting my middle child to college and my eldest through a couple tough issues. I now am in the process of getting my high school senior into college and wish I had this book and FB page when they were applying for boarding schools.
Speaking of which, some of this book is definitely not applicable for a specific time frame but I'm sure I'm in the minority. I plan on passing this along to my friends with younger children so they can forge through middle school, high school and the college application/ drop-off process.
Many of us members joke that this group is 150K of our closest friends!! They're there when we want to complain, there when we want to cheer, want to vent, ask for information or simply post proud parent photos.
The authors are going to join our book group in the New Year to shed more light on coping with our "imperfect" children and speak with us about how we can learn from our mistakes and push ahead without becoming THAT annoying mom (or dad) who forces them to hide and not speak with us or look to us for advice.
Thank you to Heffernan and Harrington for a job well done!!
Speaking of which, some of this book is definitely not applicable for a specific time frame but I'm sure I'm in the minority. I plan on passing this along to my friends with younger children so they can forge through middle school, high school and the college application/ drop-off process.
Many of us members joke that this group is 150K of our closest friends!! They're there when we want to complain, there when we want to cheer, want to vent, ask for information or simply post proud parent photos.
The authors are going to join our book group in the New Year to shed more light on coping with our "imperfect" children and speak with us about how we can learn from our mistakes and push ahead without becoming THAT annoying mom (or dad) who forces them to hide and not speak with us or look to us for advice.
Thank you to Heffernan and Harrington for a job well done!!
September 17, 2019
4.5 stars - Would have loved this book a couple of years ago, as most of it deals with the end of high school years. There is definitely some awesome advice in those chapters, but for me was a little late. The final chapters on the college years were really were this book hit home (as you would imagine), and there were parts that I felt were written specifically for me. It described feelings that seemed to come directly from my heart. At one point, I had to put the book down and just let it out and have a good cry.
October 6, 2019
In the real world, I would give this book a four-and-a-half. Subject-wise, this book is just what I need as my oldest son starts high school. And, there are some part (College Admissions, and the first year of college) that I don't fully need yet, but will come back to. The only reason that I won't give it five stars is that the parts of the book taken from the authors' blog sometimes seem at awkward spots to me. Maybe this is just a matter of opinion. Overall, I would highly recommend this book to anyone parenting high school and college-age kids.
December 17, 2022
Very generic with a few good references. The book doesn't really have any diversity in it -- in whatever way you define diversity. The book reads from an upper - upper/middle class perspective. Needed more practical information for parents on focusing on their own lives rather than their students. I think I could have gotten more from doing a search on the internet for most of the information. Perhaps this works better as part of their internet community. Got this as a gift, but would pass on purchasing.
April 26, 2021
This book was probably perfectly fine, I'm just not the right audience. It's written kind of exclusively for middle class parents of neurotypical kids. They do make an effort to dedicate a few paragraphs to say that college isn't the ONLY option in life, but you can tell it's kind of a throwaway. They are like, here's a whole book about normal, smart kids, going to college as soon as they turn 18 but here's a page or two about the fact that trade schools exist.
I could hardly relate to these folks at all but they seem super nice.
I could hardly relate to these folks at all but they seem super nice.
September 11, 2019
I've been a fan of the Grown and Flown blog and FB posts for over a year and was thrilled when the book version was announced. I downloaded the audible the day it was released and listened to over the next two days. I really relate to the topics and am grateful someone recognized the need for a community, resources and a book on this stage of parenting.
I highly recommend to anyone with older teens.
I highly recommend to anyone with older teens.
November 5, 2019
Concise and helpful guidebook for the teenage years that shines light on some of the speed bumps that may come up while keeping things light and highly readable. Wonderful conversation starters and practical ideas for when things are just rolling along and time is going all to quickly, addressing the light stuff as well as the tough stuff and keeping the focus on raising independent adults that enjoy their parents company for a coffee ...
Displaying 1 - 30 of 116 reviews