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The story of High-Ranking Mormon leader Hans Mattsson seeking sincere answers from his church but instead finding contempt, fear, doubt...and eventually peace
223 pages, Unknown Binding
Published January 1, 2018
68 people are currently reading
118 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 28 of 28 reviews
December 7, 2018
I read this book in one afternoon - it was hard to put down. I felt the deep sincerity and desire to find out the truth that Hans Mattsson (along with Birgitta Mattsson and Christina Hanke) express in these pages. My heart breaks for their suffering, and for both the intentional and unintentional hurt caused by those to whom he asked his questions and to whom he looked for answers. I am sad that he and many others have been given a “fully in or fully out” ultimatum, despite church leaders teaching that there is room for all within the church.
What Hans says towards the end of the book resonates strongly with me. “I feel like being ‘found’ is a sense of being at peace with where I am at and at the same time accepting that I don’t know so much about everything....I don’t need to have all the answers to live my life....I am free to sculpt my own life and seek God in my own way....My life is built on a personal relationship of grace and not on an organization.”
This book has given me a deeper understanding of those who have experienced/are experiencing faith crises, and the utter heartbreak and devastation they feel. My heart breaks for the agony this causes.
It causes me to examine my own faith, and see it strengthen, deepen, and evolve in unexpected ways through my own questions and attempts to find understanding. I believe true, sincere, heartfelt questioning is never a bad thing, and in my case has led to a deeper more Christ-rooted faith, even without answers to my many questions.
What Hans says towards the end of the book resonates strongly with me. “I feel like being ‘found’ is a sense of being at peace with where I am at and at the same time accepting that I don’t know so much about everything....I don’t need to have all the answers to live my life....I am free to sculpt my own life and seek God in my own way....My life is built on a personal relationship of grace and not on an organization.”
This book has given me a deeper understanding of those who have experienced/are experiencing faith crises, and the utter heartbreak and devastation they feel. My heart breaks for the agony this causes.
It causes me to examine my own faith, and see it strengthen, deepen, and evolve in unexpected ways through my own questions and attempts to find understanding. I believe true, sincere, heartfelt questioning is never a bad thing, and in my case has led to a deeper more Christ-rooted faith, even without answers to my many questions.
November 4, 2018
I think that the internet-driven exodus from the LDS church is one of the most interesting sociological phenomena of our times. What happens when you take well-read, well-meaning people with firm beliefs and present them with facts that pull the rug out from under those beliefs? That's happening now with Mormonism, which unlike many other religions has a very recent history that can be backed up with documentary evidence, and I think it's fascinating. Hans Mattsson's story is the story of one of those journeys from belief to skepticism, made all the more interesting by the fact that he ranked very, very highly in the Mormon church hierarchy before his doubts began to surface. I docked a star only because the Kindle edition I read was in desperate need of copy-editing, but otherwise it's a really interesting account.
September 29, 2018
Thank you Hans and Brigitta for your courage to seek truth and to write about your journey.
I so wanted the Church to be true as I became aware of things I had never been exposed to as a life time member. As I studied, it became evident that the Church no longer passed the smell test. The milk had become sour. I was crushed, sad and angry all at the same time. I could no longer be a part of it. I found comfort through the writings of others same conflicts that I had encountered. Again thank you for taking the time to write your story as it has given me strength knowing that I will be fine as a nonmember!
I so wanted the Church to be true as I became aware of things I had never been exposed to as a life time member. As I studied, it became evident that the Church no longer passed the smell test. The milk had become sour. I was crushed, sad and angry all at the same time. I could no longer be a part of it. I found comfort through the writings of others same conflicts that I had encountered. Again thank you for taking the time to write your story as it has given me strength knowing that I will be fine as a nonmember!
November 3, 2018
Years ago I read about Hans Mattsson in The NY Times and heard interviews with him. I felt an instant kinship with this former area authority. He had such a genuine, kind demeanor and spirit about him. He spoke with sincerity and candor. So much of what he said resonated with me and mirrored my own experiences, feelings and thoughts. The more I listened to him and his wife Birgitta, the more I loved them. So naturally when I heard about this book I had to read it. I sensed the same honesty and integrity throughout this book. These two are brave souls as well as Christina Hanke who co-wrote the book. Hats off to brave souls who dare face difficult truths.
December 31, 2019
Hans has great integrity and played an integral part in getting the conversation started across the world about historical inaccuracies in official LDS Church History. As a high-ranking leader in the church, he has a unique perspective on the inner-workings of the church. It's beyond clear that he made a heart-wrenching choice to stand up for integrity in the face of intense pressure.
September 27, 2018
Great book, but hard to see the gut-wrenching struggle he went through.
November 21, 2019
I appreciate Hans Mattsson sharing his story, along with his wife.
October 9, 2018
Inspiring and courageous.
A story of grappling with religious truths to their conclusions even when the cost very high. How the Mattssons discovered difficult facts about Mormonism and their heartwrenching quest for truth.
A story of grappling with religious truths to their conclusions even when the cost very high. How the Mattssons discovered difficult facts about Mormonism and their heartwrenching quest for truth.
October 15, 2018
This book spoke to me!
Thankfully during my faith crisis I've realized that I'm not alone in the way I feel. My parents are converts to the LDS Church and I'm the oldest of 4 children. I have felt the weight of my doubts and choices, because I too have come to realize I was living a lie within the church. I have 2 LGBTQIA+ children and there's no place for them, unless they live as the church sees fit...lonely and un-authentically. I know that God loves all, not just faithful Mormons. If Joseph Smith isn't a prophet to me than the Book of Mormon is a farse too. This book spoke to me and has helped to further heal my soul. Thank you!
Thankfully during my faith crisis I've realized that I'm not alone in the way I feel. My parents are converts to the LDS Church and I'm the oldest of 4 children. I have felt the weight of my doubts and choices, because I too have come to realize I was living a lie within the church. I have 2 LGBTQIA+ children and there's no place for them, unless they live as the church sees fit...lonely and un-authentically. I know that God loves all, not just faithful Mormons. If Joseph Smith isn't a prophet to me than the Book of Mormon is a farse too. This book spoke to me and has helped to further heal my soul. Thank you!
May 12, 2021
Short, easy read about a former Seventy who received the Second Anointing/Endowment, yet eventually stopped believing the church's truth claims after finding out more about its history. He and his wife eventually removed their names from the records of the church after the church's policy of exclusion was leaked in fall of 2015.
June 11, 2024
This was an interesting book that I can barely relate to. While the former Elder Hans Mattson found issues with parts of church history through his callings in the church and felt deceived, I learned many of the same issues as a teenager and haven’t found them to shake faith in any way. So in a sense, I cannot relate to his overarching struggles in his faith crisis and eventual departure from the church. It is important to note that he is not “anti Mormon” but repeatedly states “I just want to know the truth.”
However, I can relate to many of his critiques of the church. Elder Rasband, his friend, was sent to meet him and hear Mattson’s concerns. In the end, Elder Rasband tried to get him to 1. Remember his feelings and 2. Remember his ancestry. This is one of my biggest complaints about LDSism. People in every religion or no religion, people who have left the church often claim the exact same feelings they feel from within the church. Many claim they don’t feel any disconnect from the divine. Furthermore, remembering your ancestry and scaring someone into fearing they will let their ancestors down is blatantly manipulative. In the end, none of his concerns were actually really addressed. This is a problem.
Even throughout the Swedish Rescue mission by Elder Marlin Jensen and church historian Turley, the focus wasn’t on listening and answering concerns but on testifying feelings and apologetics. I disagree with these tactics. I am every bit as discouraged with these tactics as Mattson is.
I wonder why Mattson says after leaving the church why he is free to seek God in his own way and that he is finally able to overcome his doubts. I probably only wonder why because I think people are free to seek God in their own way anyways, and are able to overcome doubts from within the church. I don’t know. I don’t see a contradiction, but that doesn’t mean one can’t exist I suppose.
I took off a star for three reasons. 1. Some issues in church history for the sake of brevity were too essentialized. 2. He apparently was a believer in prosperity gospel which is an inaccurate interpretation of LDSism. For that reason, 3. SO MUCH OF THE BOOK IS ABOUT ELITISM AND RISING IN THE RANKS. I get he is the highest ranking church official in recent memory to leave the church, and thus rank is important. I get the church operates differently throughout the world, but I’ve rarely if ever observed any power struggles or elitism. It was just another point I couldn’t relate to. It was so incredibly overdone. Who cares about rank? Not me. Mattson’s worldview simply fundamentally differs from my own despite both of us being brought up in the church.
I recommend the book to people interested in understanding why some people leave the church. I don’t recommend for people neutrally learning about the church as it is essentialized a bit.
However, I can relate to many of his critiques of the church. Elder Rasband, his friend, was sent to meet him and hear Mattson’s concerns. In the end, Elder Rasband tried to get him to 1. Remember his feelings and 2. Remember his ancestry. This is one of my biggest complaints about LDSism. People in every religion or no religion, people who have left the church often claim the exact same feelings they feel from within the church. Many claim they don’t feel any disconnect from the divine. Furthermore, remembering your ancestry and scaring someone into fearing they will let their ancestors down is blatantly manipulative. In the end, none of his concerns were actually really addressed. This is a problem.
Even throughout the Swedish Rescue mission by Elder Marlin Jensen and church historian Turley, the focus wasn’t on listening and answering concerns but on testifying feelings and apologetics. I disagree with these tactics. I am every bit as discouraged with these tactics as Mattson is.
I wonder why Mattson says after leaving the church why he is free to seek God in his own way and that he is finally able to overcome his doubts. I probably only wonder why because I think people are free to seek God in their own way anyways, and are able to overcome doubts from within the church. I don’t know. I don’t see a contradiction, but that doesn’t mean one can’t exist I suppose.
I took off a star for three reasons. 1. Some issues in church history for the sake of brevity were too essentialized. 2. He apparently was a believer in prosperity gospel which is an inaccurate interpretation of LDSism. For that reason, 3. SO MUCH OF THE BOOK IS ABOUT ELITISM AND RISING IN THE RANKS. I get he is the highest ranking church official in recent memory to leave the church, and thus rank is important. I get the church operates differently throughout the world, but I’ve rarely if ever observed any power struggles or elitism. It was just another point I couldn’t relate to. It was so incredibly overdone. Who cares about rank? Not me. Mattson’s worldview simply fundamentally differs from my own despite both of us being brought up in the church.
I recommend the book to people interested in understanding why some people leave the church. I don’t recommend for people neutrally learning about the church as it is essentialized a bit.
December 3, 2018
Nothing new here except that Mattsson was a 70 (a high-ranking church official). The book does provide a good look at why people struggle to leave the LDS Church even when they learn the truth. For reasons of ancestry, culture, and the meaning of life, they are tempted to stay.
If you have read anything at all about LDS history and theology, you learn nothing from the book. It isn't structured that well and the language is choppy at times. It's ok but not great.
If you have read anything at all about LDS history and theology, you learn nothing from the book. It isn't structured that well and the language is choppy at times. It's ok but not great.
November 30, 2019
Amazing Journey - Authentic and Compelling
Well written story that is engaging and personal. Hans Mattsson captures the life in the LDS church well - including the challenges he encountered when questioning his faith. He remains honest and respectful of the church, authentically sharing his painful search for truth without getting bogged down in the details and arguments. Inspiring and heart-wrenching... read it cover-to-cover in one day...
Well written story that is engaging and personal. Hans Mattsson captures the life in the LDS church well - including the challenges he encountered when questioning his faith. He remains honest and respectful of the church, authentically sharing his painful search for truth without getting bogged down in the details and arguments. Inspiring and heart-wrenching... read it cover-to-cover in one day...
February 22, 2023
Wow. Fascinating. His journey began with honest questions. He got no answers. Such an incredible human. So faithful, and such a good person.
Like so many others, his questions led to accusations of being led away by Satan. He was treated like a pariah, exactly as he feared. So incredibly sad.
I’m so happy for him and the peace he feels now. He’s an inspiration to any person grappling with truth seeking.
Easy read. Read in less than a day.
Like so many others, his questions led to accusations of being led away by Satan. He was treated like a pariah, exactly as he feared. So incredibly sad.
I’m so happy for him and the peace he feels now. He’s an inspiration to any person grappling with truth seeking.
Easy read. Read in less than a day.
January 4, 2022
A very courageous first-hand account of a Mormon general authority experiencing a faith crisis - aka finding the truth about his long-held faith.
This is a short, but very well-written memoir that was extremely interesting as well as relatable. Thanks, Hans, for being vulnerable and sharing your story!
This is a short, but very well-written memoir that was extremely interesting as well as relatable. Thanks, Hans, for being vulnerable and sharing your story!
May 15, 2022
My brother bought this for me to read, and I appreciate it very much. It explains what it was like for the authors to go through a faith crisis, without getting deep into the weeds of the issues. It was focused more on the people. I like the human connection and it made me want to be more empathetic and pull up chairs for everyone around me, no matter what.
October 27, 2022
Yo estoy lista
Me encantó la narrativa, estoy identificada con su historia, este proceso de duelo al dejar una religión es doloroso pero necesario, estoy lista para irme, solo por amor a mi esposo lo sigo acompañando a las reuniones pero yo ya hace tiempo dejé de saber lo que no conocía, que ironía! Recomendable para todo aquel que alguna vez ha cuestionado su fe. Excelente!!
Me encantó la narrativa, estoy identificada con su historia, este proceso de duelo al dejar una religión es doloroso pero necesario, estoy lista para irme, solo por amor a mi esposo lo sigo acompañando a las reuniones pero yo ya hace tiempo dejé de saber lo que no conocía, que ironía! Recomendable para todo aquel que alguna vez ha cuestionado su fe. Excelente!!
August 28, 2024
This heart-felt story of Hans and his family’s faith journey sheds an interesting light on LDS truth claims. He desperately wanted it to all be true—after all, he had given most of his line to his faith. But when there were no answered to his sincere questions, and when leaders failed or refused to even attempt to answer his honest questions, it all collapsed. A painful but liberating story.
September 23, 2025
This book tells an honest experience of a high ranking church leader who decided not to ignore his questions in search for the truth. I respect Hans Mattson so much for having the integrity to push for answers and follow his moral compass, even when it was heartbreaking to discover that his church was not what it claimed to be. It was a really thought provoking book.
February 27, 2022
A beautiful honest telling of their mormon story. Despite him once being a General Authority, the Mattsson Faith Crises rings familiar to the thousands of us who have left the mormon faith during this past decade.
November 26, 2018
Thank you Hans and Birgitta!!
Thank you Hans and Birgitta for your willingness and courage to seek truth! Your experience has been so encouraging, inspiring, and insightful!
Thank you Hans and Birgitta for your willingness and courage to seek truth! Your experience has been so encouraging, inspiring, and insightful!
December 3, 2018
An important memoir, and a story that I could relate to in so many ways. I'm grateful to the Mattssons for having the courage to share this.
December 17, 2020
It was good. Doing what he did with the pressure of his "prestige" would be so hard.
May 30, 2021
Really fascinating narrative.
February 23, 2022
I would have liked more dirt on how the church operates. Good book overall.
October 18, 2023
Mattsson is surprisingly positive and charitable towards an organization whose response to a lifelong devotee's innocent inquiry into history is: "Yes, yes, it's all true— now shut up or be gone."
January 11, 2022
Interesting to see the point of view of someone who was high up on why they left the Mormon church
December 30, 2018
I loved this book and identified with Hans throughout the whole thing. I couldn’t put it down. The history of the Mormon church is rich, but unfortunately we as members get a very limited view of it - not to mention a selective portion. Finding the full story leads any rational person to consider an alternative. This book helped me and I’m sure it will help many others on their way!
Displaying 1 - 28 of 28 reviews