Differently Wired

by Deborah Reber

Today millions of kids are stuck in a world that doesn't respect, support, or embrace who they really are - these are what Deborah Reber is calling the “differently wired” kids, the one in five children with ADHD, dyslexia, Asperger's, giftedness, anxiety, sensory processing disorder, and other neurodifferences. Their challenges are many. But for the parents who love them, the challenges are just as hard - struggling to find the right school, the right therapist, the right parenting group while feeling isolated and harboring endless internal doubts about what's normal, what's not, and how to handle it all.      But now there's hope. Written by Deborah Reber, a best-selling author and mother in the midst of an eye-opening journey with her son who is twice exceptional (he has ADHD, Asperger's, and is highly gifted), Differently Wired is a how-to, a manifesto, a book of wise advice, and the best kind of been-there, done-that companion.      On the one hand it's a book of saying NO, and how it's time to say no to trying to fit your round-peg kid into society's square holes, no to educational and social systems that don't respect your child, no to the anxiety and fear that keep parents stuck. And then it's a book of YES. By offering 18 paradigm shifts - what she calls “tilts” - Reber shows how to change everything. How to “Get Out of Isolation and Connect.” “Stop Fighting Who Your Child Is and Lean In.” “Let Go of What Others Think.” “Create a World Where Your Child Can Feel Secure.” “Find Your People (and Ditch the Rest).” “Help Your Kids Embrace Self-Discovery.” And through these alternative ways of being, discover how to stay open, pay attention, and become an exceptional parent to your exceptional child.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Autistic Spectrum Disorder, Adhd, Education, Psychology, Mental Health

MP3 CD

First published June 12, 2018

About the author

“DIFFERENTLY WIRED: Raising an Exceptional Child in a Conventional World” was released with Workman Publishing in June 2018. To sample the book, download the first chapter here.

I'd love to be in touch with you! Here are a few places we can connect online:

- TiLT Parenting
- Facebook.com/tiltparenting
- Twitter.com/tiltparenting
- Instagram.com/tiltparenting


ABOUT DEBBIE

Deborah Reber is a New York Times bestselling author, certified life coach, and speaker who moved her career in a more personal direction in 2016 when she founded TiLT Parenting, a website, weekly podcast, and social media company for parents like her who are raising differently wired children. The TiLT Parenting Podcast has grown to be a top podcast in iTunes’ Kids and Family category, with more than 260,000 downloads and a slate of guests that includes high-profile thought leaders across the parenting and education space. Debbie’s next book is Differently Wired: Raising an Exceptional Child in a Conventional World (Workman Publishing, 2018).

Prior to launching TiLT, Debbie spent the past fifteen years writing inspiring books for women and teens. In doing so, she built a successful brand as a teen authority, was frequently interviewed and spoke about issues like media literacy, self-esteem, and confidence, and consulted for clients including the Girl Scouts, the Disney Channel, McGraw Hill, and Kaplan.

Debbie is no stranger to writing and publishing books. Since 1999, she’s authored many books, including Doable: The Girls’ Guide to Accomplishing Just About Anything (Beyond Words/Simon Pulse 2014), Language of Love (Simon Pulse 2012), Chill: Stress-Reducing Techniques for a More Balanced, Peaceful You (Simon Pulse 2008), In Their Shoes: Extraordinary Women Describe Their Amazing Careers (Simon Pulse 2007), the teen self-help series Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul: The Real Deal (HCI 2005-2006), Run for Your Life: A Book for Beginning Women Runners (Perigee 2002), and more than a dozen preschool books based on the series Blue’s Clues. In 2008, she had the privilege of creating and editing the first-ever series of teen-authored memoirs with HCI Books, Louder Than Words (six books published between 2009 – 2010).

Before becoming a writer and coach, Debbie worked in TV and video production, producing documentaries and PSAs for CARE and UNICEF, working on Blue’s Clues for Nickelodeon in New York, and developing original series for Cartoon Network in Los Angeles. She has an MA in Media Studies from the New School for Social Research and a BA in Communications from Pennsylvania State University.

In the summer of 2013, Debbie moved from Seattle to Amsterdam, where she currently lives with her husband Derin, homeschools her 13-year-old son Asher, and serves as lap-of-choice for her mischievous cat, Alex. She is an avid runner, traveler, and hiker, and claims reality shows and Twizzlers as her guiltiest of pleasures.

Reviews

[Lorilin · Rating 3 out of 5]

When I saw this quote at the very beginning of Differently Wired:

Normality is a paved road: It's comfortable to walk, but no flowers grow on it.
--Vincent van Gogh

I thought, "Ok yes, I'm going to love this book."

But I'm surprised to say that I didn't. I like the underlying idea of it. As the mother of a very smart and highly sensitive 8-year old boy, I'm all for the advice to celebrate uniqueness, ignore the standard of "normal," and try to parent from a place of acceptance and love, not guilt and fear. But I also want more.

Author Deborah Reber talks a lot about her tough experiences with her oldest son. She talks about being frustrated with his schools, his teacher's general lack of training and awareness, and even with herself for never seeming to quite get it "right." Yes, yes, and yes! I agree, I'm there! So now what? Well, she solves her family's issues by homeschooling her son. Which is fine for her, but not an option for us, so...next?

Unfortunately, there aren't many other options in this book. Instead, Reber focuses on TILTs, which are basically ways to shift your perspective as a parent with a gifted child. Many of these TILTs are repetitive, but essentially they boil down to:

---Stop trying to be "normal." Your child isn't and probably won't ever be.
---Connect with other parents who know what you're going through.
---Learn your child's language. Learn what certain actions or words mean to him.
---Create a safe, calm, relaxing environment for your child.
---Practice self-care.
---Advocate for your child, loudly if necessary. Then create the resources you wish you had.

Most of this advice is comforting but also obvious. (And some of it is downright unrealistic, borderline unhealthy. For example, the section on "leaning in to your child" where a mother supports her son by allowing him to control the family schedule for the entire summer. Uh, no.)

In fact, a lot of time is spent 1) complaining about how things are so hard, 2) fighting the system a little, and then 3) eventually withdrawing or giving up, and then 4) comforting yourself with the knowledge that you aren't alone. Which is a problem. I mean, it's always good to hear you're not the only one having trouble dealing with a bright and complicated kid, but then give me something concrete to work with. I want to move beyond whiny commiseration and hear success stories. Give me resources, classes, scripts for talking with school administrators, etc. Because at the end of the day, I don't want to homeschool my kid. I want his teacher to understand that he's way beyond what she's teaching him and that he's going to continue to act out in class until his brain is actually occupied and challenged. How do I do that?

In other words, I want to change the system, not whine about it and then try to comfort myself when I abandon it. I was hoping this book would help me stand in the place where I live, so to speak, but no such luck.

[Jennifer Tam · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a revolutionary book not just for parents of kids who are "differently wired" but for all parents - actually I think it's an important book for every single person to read - it is steeped in knowledge and personal examples of how we can help ALL our kids thrive - I have been following Debbie Reber for over a year and never miss her weekly podcasts! She has helped me so much with our "differently wired" kid with anxiety and this book is just the whip cream on top of what she has already done with her work

[Megan · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was...weird. And I was clearly not the right kind of parent for this book. I was hoping that this volume would give me good ideas for helping my kiddo in a positive way. But it's really a book for neurotypical parents coming to terms with the fact that their kid is different, and learning to embrace that. And I guess I'm already there -- that's why the title and description were appealing to me.

I only got about halfway through. But the stories she shared were ALWAYS from "normal" parents (or at least, parents presented as "normal") trying to figure out their neurodiverse kids. Where are the stories from neurodiverse parents? Where are the stories from neurodiverse adults about what their parents did right (or wrong)?

This quote was really what put me off the book: "Because there is no playbook and there are very few mentors to show us and our kids how it's done and what moving down this road with confidence, grace, and optimism looks like, fears of future unknowns will continue to be a tremendous source of stress for parents raising atypical kids."

What??? Few mentors??? If one in five kids is differently wired, there are a LOT of differently wired adults in this world, too. My life is full of them.

Anyway. This book was a weird blend of both celebrating neurodiversity and mourning it. Which sort of makes sense, as the author tells her story of coming around to embracing who her son is. That's really what this book is about: becoming comfortable with being a parent of an atypical kid. It's not so much about those kids, and there was enough that I found jarring or grating in here -- like the above quote -- that I gave up on reading this one.

[Corby · Rating 3 out of 5]

Really 3.5 stars. I really wanted to gush on this book, and some of the tilts are useful reminders, but for those of us that aren't out there wafting in the winds of "oh noes, my child isn't normal" and are, rather, down in the trenches of "normal isn't really a thing anyway" just trying to maintain our energy levels and patience to do the best job we can do, the book is a reminder rather than a revelation. Like another reviewer I wanted ways to change the status quo, break the system, reshape the educational institutional boxes our children end up in, bend toward the arc of justice for differently-abled/wired/thinking children, and try to make the path easier for those who come after me. Essentially: "Raising an exceptional child in a conventional world." Pulling out of the conventional world entirely (e.g. homeschooling in a foreign country) as the author did isn't really a viable path for both most families' situation within the conventional world or these loftier goals of creating a more flexible and compassionate education system for all.

[Andrea Aebersold · Rating 2 out of 5]

I agree with the reviews that said there are some good ideas in here but also some pretty major problems with privilege, etc. Raising a neurodiverse kid means rethinking a lot of conventional parenting advice and parts of this book made me do that. But other parts were just tone deaf - like if your child isn't doing well at school, consider quitting your job and homeschooling. Uh, can't do that?

It's also also unclear to me where to draw any boundaries, meaning the book makes it seem like I need to center my world around my child. But also be sure to make time for self-care!

There is zero examination of what it means to be a neurodiverse parent who is raising a neurodiverse kid, or a parent raising a neurodiverse child of color, or raising a neurodiverse child while living in poverty. I'm not saying the books needs to cover all of that - but it could at least acknowledge that and point to resources. Otherwise, it comes off as preaching a universal experience.

Overall, a few good points that I'll start using. But I found myself feeling worse after reading this because I can't do a lot of the things in her examples.

[Matt Dubois · Rating 1 out of 5]

It gets worse the more you read. What starts off as a positive outlook on raising an exception kid becomes nothing more than preachy whiny-ness about the unfairness of kids who get to be typical. The TILTS become ridiculous. Wallowing in self-pity is no way to raise an exceptional child. The world isn't fair. Kick its ass anyway.

[Jess Macallan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an important read for any parent/caregiver raising a neurodiverse child. The author does a great job walking readers through a lot of thoughtful and necessary questions to clarify their approach to raising their child, and ways to improve communication with their children, partners, family, and teachers. This book offers a nonjudgmental approach to raising neurodiverse children and highlights ideas for parents to better support their child's formative years. As a parent of neurodiverse children, I can honestly say nothing about this parenting journey is easy, but it helps to know there are plenty of families sharing the experience who can also offer new and creative solutions.

I was disappointed the author didn't address the unique challenge of raising multiple children, both neurotypical and neurodiverse. It's important to discuss how neurotypical children can sometimes take a backseat to a neurodiverse sibling who needs a significant amount of time, energy, and financial resources, and how parents might find a better balance to fully support all of their children. And while I agree with the author's encouragement of self-care practices and finding a support network, it's not always easy or accessible for people who might live in smaller or rural communities, parents with financial constraints, or parents with caregiver burnout and/or no family support.

The bottom line is that those of us sharing this experience can benefit our children and families by offering meaningful support, honesty, and advocating for necessary change.

I received an e-copy via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

[Candy Robosky · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really wanted to like this book. Being an educator and having many people in my personal life who are wired differently, I looked forward to reading this book. Unfortunately what I got was a feeling of being bashed as an educator. She, herself, said it took her and her husband many years to fully figure out the best ways to live with themselves and their son. If this is true why bash educators and others who are walking in never having met you or your child instead of working with them to figure out ways that can work for the whole class, your child, you, and the educator. Many educators will tell you that often times strategies that help the student who is differently wired will also help others in the class including the adults in the class. Are there educators out there who will balk at this? Yes, but that doesn't mean all schools should be seen as the enemy and that you should go on the offensive and assume that they won't and don't want to help. While I found many of the strategies suggested in this book interesting I also felt like I was being bashed as a teacher and that parents deemed to have "children that are typical" should be ashamed of themselves for being proud of their children when this book is one giant boastfest of how the author and her family are now perfect and have found all of the answers. I would like to remind her that all of the things that work for her family will not automatically work for others and by the way the book is written it can be seen as shaming anyone who either has not already done these or who have not been as successful in their experiences.

Also maybe the copy I got having so many formatting issues made it difficult for me to read which put a negative experience on reading it but I got many negative vibes from the way the material was presented by the author.

I received this book from netgalley and am voluntarily leaving my review.

[Samantha · Rating 5 out of 5]

I got an advanced copy of this book from Netgalley, and here's my honest review.

I read the first few chapters of this book on a slow Saturday at work. I came away with two things that day: I could have written this, and I am not alone.

Then it gets even better by offering me an honest account of the author's experiences raising a differently wired child and strategies I can use to improve life with my own differently wired child.

People like me are probably the best audience for this book. My child is young, and my partner and I are just now beginning to come to terms with the fact that our child is differently wired and that we're going to have to throw out the traditional parenting book and find another way. This book reached me at the exact moment I needed it.

If you're farther along in your parenting journey, you've already gotten diagnoses, your child is a teen and you've already worked out strategies that work best for you, I'd still recommend giving this book a glance over. It may not give you any new information on dealing with your child's specific wiring, but it may inspire you to take a look at yourself as a parent.

Now I'm off to read some of the books referenced in this one. Because for me, this is the beginning of my journey, and now I have hope that it doesn't have to be an awful one.

[Mark · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Soccer Mom's guide to raising a high-functioning kid with autism". Might be really useful to new, overwhelmed, and unsophisticated parents, but not a lot in there for me.

[Liz · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was an interesting read. It’s definitely more for parents of older kids and not necessarily a mom of an autistic three year old (aka, me). It’s definitely more self-helpy than I expected but there are still some good parenting tips. I felt in general it was more geared towards twice exceptional kids. If your kid has delays, you may not relate to it much. I would also say it's geared to upper middle class parents.

[Angela Hedworth · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read for all parents of special needs kids. Highly recommend!

[Maureen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the parenting book I have been needing for years. It feels so good to read a book by another parent who sees, knows, and understands what parenting is like for me and who is cheering me on. I felt so nurtured, enlightened, and empowered to be the parent my children need me to be.

If you think this book might be helpful even a little, you need to read it. For parents of children with ADHD, dyslexia, dysgraphia, giftedness, on the Autism spectrum, with something else challenging or some or all of the above—Welcome to your community. ❤️

[whitney · Rating 5 out of 5]

(I read an eARC of this book). This book is FANTASTIC! Debbie Reber has done an amazing job of putting together this book focused on “tilts”, or reframing/rethinking devices, aimed at supporting parents of differently wired children. My own child is differently wired, and because I’m part of the TiLT community that Reber started and have shared my experiences with her, some of my experiences and thoughts are in this book. Reber has captured the particular challenges that we face, and the ways in which we are embedded in, and therefore need to work to question and dismantle, a system that is not designed to support neurodiverse individuals. And while I think this book will be especially helpful to other parents of neurodiverse children, I also want parents of neurotypical children to read it; if we want to create a more inclusive world, it can’t be neurodiverse people and their parents doing ALL of the work!

The opening chapters, in which Reber details their early struggles with their 2e son, hit home so hard for me - I felt as though I could’ve written them (we, too, have had our child kicked out of schools and camps, and dealt with all of the confusion and self-doubt and judgement and what felt like gaslighting, when people tried to tell us what we were experiencing was normal, while also shaming us for our daughter’s behavior). But really, this whole book did. Thank you, thank you, Debbie Reber!

[Amber · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn’t expect to like this book as much as I did. I figured it would just be boring platitudes about embracing your quirky or “differently wired” kid. I was wrong. It was really helpful and inspiring. If you are raising a kid at all outside of “neurotypical,” this book will help.

There is a lot of practical advice but also a lot of validation which Is nice because raising kids that are different can make you feel out to sea.

I’ve gotten very quiet about my kids in order to not offend, come across as elitist, or saddle them with the preconceived notions and judgements of other people. This book has inspired me to help them own who they are, and that is worth the cost of the book alone. (Which I will be purchasing because I actually borrowed this from the library.)

I will say this information isn’t new, you could read many articles that tell you the same things, but it’s presented in a logical and concise way, with easy to read language.

[Coatesj · Rating 2 out of 5]

I am not sure how much this would help or hinder parents trying to find an effective path. Although this might help parents of atypical children to develop strategies for acceptance, it’s important to remember this author is not a psychologist or a therapist. Much of their knowledge is anecdotal and based on personal narrative - references are not cited for what they are claiming to be true. At times, the author seemed hypersensitive to innocuous phenomena (memes) and somewhat sanctimonious with advice.

[Sara Dziuk · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a parent of a neurodiverse child, this spoke to me from page one. I found myself wishing that every person in our lives could read part of this. So much of this resonated, helped me find greater peace and a different outlook on our daily life.

[Katie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a good book, though I’m not sure I’m *quite* the right audience for it. I do suspect some “differently wired” aspects with some of my kids, but I would not say they are severe or extreme. I mostly just want to figure my kids out so I can homeschool them and parent them in ways that work for them. I think Deborah Reber has some good ideas and messages, but the strength of this book is how it may be helpful to parents who truly do have very differently wired children. This book is about changing your parenting perspective more than it is practical ways to help your child. She does not speak to a specific diagnosis, but speaks broadly, and provides lots of examples from her own life raising her son Asher.

Obviously this book is written from a secular perspective, so I did have to sift through some of it. She seems to be very big on life coaches and self help and be your true self etc and I’m over here just being big on Jesus. I was able to take a lot of what she said and view it through a spiritual lens, which made the book still useful for me. Will it forever live on my shelf? Maybe not, but I am glad I read it.

[Katie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked it--I finally got to hear from somebody who is going through some of the same stuff I am going through. I appreciated that. I was hoping for more hard skills, but the soft skills that Reber advocates for here are also great.

Here are some quotes I found interesting:

"Most teachers are ill prepared for understanding how to recognize learning disabilities." p 31

"Part of letting go of our expectations of who we should be as parents means understanding where our experience fits in with the noise around us. It's important to recognize when the media we're consuming are subconsciously sending the message that we're not doing a good job." p 193

[Vibeke Hiatt · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book helps me feel more comfortable with my son's autism spectrum diagnosis. Each chapter helps me to see our new situation in a different way. I'm glad some of Reber's suggestions are things I've done for a long time and there are other habits I look forward to developing. One drawback is that, as the parent of an only child, Reber didn't offer many insights into parenting both typical and atypical children at the same time.

This book is written for parents and shows us what WE can do to help our neurodivergent children. I highly recommend it, but the reader should know that it will not tell you how your child's brain works in any great detail.

[Emre · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Differently Wired" by Deborah Reber is a compelling journey into the realm of neurodiversity, illuminating the path for parents and caregivers of neurodiverse children with deft precision and a tender touch.

Reber's prose shines, interweaving enlightening anecdotes with research-based insights. This book serves as a wellspring of hope and confidence, especially for parents navigating this complex terrain. Reber assures parents that they have the power to create a nurturing environment for their neurodiverse children, a message conveyed with palpable empathy and optimism.

The true brilliance of "Differently Wired" is its ability to shift perspectives - rather than focusing on 'fixing' these children, Reber encourages readers to celebrate their unique abilities and adapt to their needs. This pivotal message resonates long after the book is closed.

"Differently Wired" stands out as a transformative guide that helps parents foster a supportive environment for neurodiverse children. Reber not only offers invaluable guidance but also builds a community where understanding, acceptance, and love flourish. Through this book, she encourages us all to embrace neurodiversity, offering a fresh lens through which to view human diversity in all its splendor.

[Jessica Aure P. · Rating 4 out of 5]

I feel like this is one of those books you have to read at the right time in order for it to be helpful. I read this book a few years ago & it led to me coming across Pathological Demand Avoidance for the first time, realizing my daughter was having anxiety attacks, not tantrums, and getting her the right medication & therapy, & into a gifted program. This is when I realized that she really was wired this way & that I didn't cause her hardships, which released a lot of guilt about "whatever I had done to cause this." I'd say this is a book for parents new to exploring nuerodiversity as a reason for extreme behaviors in their kids, so I can see why it's not for everyone.

[Ali Singer · Rating 4 out of 5]

It took me longer than I wanted to finish this book. I think partially because the first ~100 pages were review and just laying the groundwork. I’d suggest other parents of differently wired kids read this, but start in the second half where the author discusses the 18 tilts. Great information and helps you feel comfortable with who you are as a parent and what you can do for your kids (regardless of typical or atypical thinking).

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have read SO MANY books on parenting and teaching differently wired kids. This is, hands down, my favorite. I want to give copies to everyone I know and say, "Read this! This will help you understand my world and why our family has made some unconventional choices." This book is insightful, honest, and filled with hope and inspiration for a world that accepts people for who they are.

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wish I had a parenting activist friend like Debbie.
And now I wonder if my son is neurodivergent (wired differently).
He is sensitive and deadlines are the worst...

“So I called the camp director the next day and did what I was becoming increasingly comfortable doing - make a ruckus”
aka squeaky wheel
aka advocating for our children.

[Nikki · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved so much of what was said in this book. I don't know if I can identify with all of it, but I found it to be a thoughtful and encouraging resource. I'll share widely with others... even if they don't need it they might know someone who does.

[Kari Shepherd · Rating 5 out of 5]

Parenting an out-of-the-box kid can be incredibly lonely and hard and make you doubt yourself as a parent. This book gives permission to ditch the conventions that aren’t working and forge a new path for your child to thrive. I felt seen and understood and encouraged by this book.

[Rolf · Rating 3 out of 5]

The parts where Reber tells about her personal journey with her son were a lot more compelling and interesting than the more straight-ahead instructional parts about forms of neurodivergence and navigating the school system (which as an educator myself, read as overly simplistic).

[Elaine · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've already recommended this to three parents. Such a cool and different way of looking at how to parent kids who don't thrive in "normal" educational or social environments.

[Erin Finlen · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a mom with a differently wired kid I can't tell you how wonderful it was to read a book where the children mentioned behave like mine and are actually real, not made up examples. This has given me a new insight into parenting an exceptional kid and ways to make things easier moving forward.