Silent Agreements: How to Free Your Relationships of Unspoken Expectations

by Linda D. Anderson, Sonia R. Banks, Michele L. Owens

Silent Agreements will help readers define the unspoken beliefs and expectations that might be causing dissatisfaction, unhappiness, and resentment in their relationships, giving them the tools to explore these agreements and work toward healthier communication with a partner, friend, boss, or family member.

If you have relationships, you've likely been part of silent agreements. Silent agreements are the implicit "rules" of your relationships that arise from unspoken beliefs and expectations that both parties hold. They can sound something like this: "The person who makes more money should pay for the dates," "My significant other should recognize when I need his/her/their help," or "My boss doesn't offer me a raise, and he knows I won't ask for one." They arise from long-held beliefs you have about yourself and the world around you, starting from your earliest experiences and reinforced as you grow and mature. These agreements can hinder your relationships, remaining undiscussed because of fear, aversion to conflict, feelings of obligation, or guilt. And because they so rarely line up and neither person will address the issue, they can cause unhappiness and resentment on both sides.

Clinical psychologists Drs. Anderson, Banks, and Owens will help you define these silent expectations, supplying the tools to explore your agreements and work towards healthier communication with a partner, friend, boss, or family member. In the process, you'll learn more about your own motivations and how to dismantle the the beliefs that don't serve you. With guidelines and advice on how to have productive conversations about sex, money, commitment, family, the workplace, and health, you'll learn how to lift the silence and resolve those land-mine issues before they do irreparable damage to your relationships.

Genres: Self Help, Relationships, Nonfiction, Psychology

272 pages, Paperback

Published May 7, 2019

Reviews

[Ebony · Rating 3 out of 5]

Silent agreements are a simple concept with profound implications. People have these agreements that they don’t know that they have. Keeping them silent acquiesces to the fear of loss which is why we have them in the first place. So we act them out and make ourselves and everyone miserable in the process. We can acknowledge them and then eliminate them, readjust them, or live with them. The choices are ours. The stories in the book were pretty bad. I was like, “Damn, this is really bad, just talk to each other,” but it’s always easier to see the mote in someone else’s eye.

A friend recommended the book. I felt like I should read it so I ordered and read it in a day. I didn’t intend to read the book symbolically, but a month has passed and I’m rewriting my review, and honestly, I don’t have any desire to do anything about my agreements at this moment besides acknowledge them. My personal inertia is not the fault of the authors. It is however, informed by the fact that the authors present their addressing silent agreement scenarios in ideal speech situations.

There are few cultural contexts for silent agreements. There was one mention of culture in the workplace on page 186 but otherwise, the authors write as if culture doesn’t matter. It was disappointing that they didn’t point that out even though some of the stories were of ethnic families if you knew what to look for. But what are the implications of cultural patterns in silent agreements? My hunch is that these convos with a black mother are going to be totally different than with mothers of other races. What if the silent agreements are about race, gender, or sexuality? There are no strategies for what to do if the person you have a silent agreement with refuses to talk to you, and you still have to live together. There’s no mention of having to sever ties with family. I was waiting for examples of parents and grown children not in caretaker roles. Those are the hardest silent agreements to sever in my opinion. You can divorce a spouse. There was advice on how to do what’s best for the kids, but how do you divorce your mom or dad? What happens then?

I trust the authors’ definition and descriptions of silent agreements, but I don’t fully trust the authors’ strategies for implementation. I am well aware that silent agreements are rooted in guilt and fear--particularly the fear of trying and failing. That is the majority of the reason I don’t want to address them. And, without contradiction, I honestly believe that the authors, while so close, do not give quite enough tools to address silent agreements in the very, very less than ideal speech situations.

I do recommend the book. It was very insightful. It just doesn’t delve into the dark side. What if bringing up a silent agreement results in harm? What about silent agreements with domestic abusers? What about silent agreements with people who wield power over you? What about silent agreements with people who will not play and will never have a conversation with you? The authors says resistance is a good sign but what it if never relents? Yes, we too often fear losing the relationship, but what if losing the relationship comes with high costs like losing custody or resources or one’s life? What does one do then? Sometimes the fear isn’t unfounded. It’s a very real and present danger. What happens then? That might not be within the full scope of the book, but it’s so important. It warranted a mention.

[Jamie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Silent Agreements spoke to me on many levels. First, the writing was engaging –it synthesised compelling storytelling - condensing relationships and their respective issues to their most salient points without sacrificing a strong narrative thread- and cogent parsing of the respective materials. The language used deftly managed complex concepts and, using wording that is accessible but not unintelligent or pandering. Each relationship seemed to fit a specific circumstance, the collection of stories well edited and collated, and organised strategically in the volume.

Reading the work, I felt that I was being advised by intellectual beings that possess intricate command into the inner workings of the mind, but also a natural affinity for addressing an actual person. The book felt beyond what would be thought of as a “self-help” book, but somewhere between a scholarly work and a glimpse into a therapeutic session. Because of this, I felt safe with the authors, that there was truth and value in their insights.

Though not all of the relationships applied to me personally – more so with the romantic, office relationships, less so with the parenting - their respective explications felt universal, relatable. What I took away from the book was an appreciation of the layers that comprise the individuals that enter into a relationship but fail to integrate successfully when these individuals endeavor to act in any unified form. The tacit understandings I believe to exist are not necessarily so, and comprehending that they are not inevitably irresolvable problems, but points of discussion that need an explicit undertaking. More than anything, I feel that the book acts not like a text, but a reference, where one can look back and reflect on ideologies and relationships as they come up, change and grow.

[Ramona Mead · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a powerful look at the ways we silently learn things at a young age, and how those lessons stay with us into adulthood and affect our relationships. It's a truly eye opening concept that any reader will benefit from. I appreciate that the authors address relationships of every type, not only romantic, including the agreements we make with ourselves. There are clear examples of what silent agreements are and how they manifest in a relationship. Then, there are exercises to walk us through identifying the silent agreements in our lives and how to address them. There are even templates for having a potentially difficult conversation. It's a thorough book that addresses important issues we all face but likely don't recognize.

Many thanks to NetGalley for my advanced copy of this book in exchange for my honest review.

[Pamela Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Smart how the authors pull back the curtain to reveal so many hidden factors that have a deep effect on our relationships. Even though it can be scary to examine our unconscious beliefs in our various connections to the people in our lives, the willingness to step up creates a powerful opportunity to heal. By understanding our assumptions and presumptions, we have the potential to air them out, free ourselves up, and create more authentic, satisfying connections. While these strategies can work really well in situations where both people are game, some folks are stuck or don’t want the relationship to change. Maybe out of fear or loss of power. Even with the best tools, it can be difficult to get them to budge. But for those who are open it can create renewal, and its so useful for creating new connections going forward.

[Seth Jones · Rating 4 out of 5]

We often make sharp judgments in our society, whether it be on ourselves, our peers, and especially those we still consider strangers. This book plays through many situations to show that we often assume people know what we want or when they don't we often settle for less. I would recommend this book for whoever may need to build confidence for themselves and a process to address social situations rather than stand in the silence of their unspoken needs.

[allie · Rating 2 out of 5]

would've been better as an article instead

[Malik Henry · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5 // Interesting concept. Explores the strains from poor or non communication in relationships. Unfortunately the book featured many examples not relatable to me.

[Ell, Ess Jaeva · Rating 1 out of 5]

a great idea, but...

this book helps you, proverbial fish, perceive the water of silent agreements in which you swim... then it leaves you in existential crisis, "wait, i dont know how to swim!!!"

using sometimes clunky anecdotes, scenes of silent agreement take shape. then, like the punchline to that dad Dr joke, "then dont do that". Everyone lives happily ever after. The End.

A few other books are helpful to fill in the gaps, "Crucial Conversations... Non-violent conversations... etc" seek 4-5* rated alternates with "conversations" in the title.

[Julia · Rating 3 out of 5]

I received an ARC in exchange for honest review from NetGalley.

I thought this was an excellent read with a lot of good tips for various relationships. The concept of silent agreements is one that we are all probably aware of but haven't studied or discussed. This book is accessible enough for everyone but would also be a good tool for counsellors and others to put in their library