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Perfectly Hidden Depression: How to Break Free from the Perfectionism that Masks Your Depression
If you were raised to believe that painful emotions are a sign of weakness, or if being vulnerable has always made you feel unsafe, then you may have survived by creating a perfect-looking life—a life where you appear to be successful, engaged, and always there for others. The problem? You’re filled with self-criticism and shame, and you can’t allow yourself to express fear, anger, loss, or grief. You recognize something is wrong, but you’re not sure what exactly—only that you feel trapped and alone. If this sounds like you, you may have perfectly hidden depression (PHD).
With this compassionate guide, you’ll begin the process of understanding your perfectionism, identifying destructive beliefs, and connecting with emotions suppressed for far too long. You’ll also find tangible tips for quieting that critical inner voice, and powerful strategies for coping with difficult feelings. Most importantly, you’ll learn that asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength. If you’re ready to stop hiding and start healing, this groundbreaking book will guide you—every imperfect step of the way.
With this compassionate guide, you’ll begin the process of understanding your perfectionism, identifying destructive beliefs, and connecting with emotions suppressed for far too long. You’ll also find tangible tips for quieting that critical inner voice, and powerful strategies for coping with difficult feelings. Most importantly, you’ll learn that asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength. If you’re ready to stop hiding and start healing, this groundbreaking book will guide you—every imperfect step of the way.
216 pages, Paperback
First published November 1, 2019
278 people are currently reading
3639 people want to read
About the author
Margaret Robinson Rutherford
3 books60 followersI have been a psychologist in private practice for over thirty years. I began writing online in 2012, and I’m excited to announce that my book, entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression: How to Break Free from the Perfectionism that Masks Your Depression, was published in English in 2019, and since has been translated into German, Turkish, Polish, Dutch, Korean, and Czech.
You can learn more about perfectly hidden depression and other topics by searching for articles on my website and by listening to my podcast called SelfWork, which you can find here or on your favorite podcasting platform.
I’ve been researching and writing on perfectly hidden depression for ten years, and I’m passionate about the message that although depression can be heavily masked by perfectionism, its damage can still be devastating to that someone who’s trying so hard to smile their way through growing loneliness and despair. I recently became a TedX Speaker at TedXBocaRotan and would love to speak to your organization.
You can learn more about perfectly hidden depression and other topics by searching for articles on my website and by listening to my podcast called SelfWork, which you can find here or on your favorite podcasting platform.
I’ve been researching and writing on perfectly hidden depression for ten years, and I’m passionate about the message that although depression can be heavily masked by perfectionism, its damage can still be devastating to that someone who’s trying so hard to smile their way through growing loneliness and despair. I recently became a TedX Speaker at TedXBocaRotan and would love to speak to your organization.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 84 reviews
November 2, 2024
ieklausies šajos vārdos: «Perfekti apslēptā depresija» … biedējoši, vai ne?! Nē, tā nav diagnoze, tas ir sindroms - perfekts perfekcionista (ne)emociju, (ne)pārliecību, (ne)sajūtu, (ne)uzvedību, (ne)vērtību kopums. Maska aiz kuras dzīvot un slēpties - ļoti smacējoša, toksiska un nogurdinoša maska.
[..] un tu izskaties tā, it kā ar visu ļoti labi tiktu galā [..]
Grāmatas īstajā brīdī, kad man tās nepieciešamas, turpina nonākt pie manis - jau kādu laiku esmu savā dziedināšanās ceļā un šī grāmata man deva iedvesmu, pārliecību un spēku, ka esmu uz pareizā ceļa sev’up! Daudzi saka, ka atklāti par to runāt, prasa drosmi, uzdrīkstēšanos … jā! Un tā ir daļa no mana ceļa, bet ne gala mērķis …
[..] Tu nevari nonākt pie drosmes, neizejot cauri ievainojamībai, punkts [..] Brenè Brown
Lai šī grāmata ir iedrošinājums arī jums - būt īstiem, nevis perfektiem … sākumā nepavisam nav viegli, ir pat bailīgi - bet ir ļoti, ļoti vērts…
[..] un tu izskaties tā, it kā ar visu ļoti labi tiktu galā [..]
Grāmatas īstajā brīdī, kad man tās nepieciešamas, turpina nonākt pie manis - jau kādu laiku esmu savā dziedināšanās ceļā un šī grāmata man deva iedvesmu, pārliecību un spēku, ka esmu uz pareizā ceļa sev’up! Daudzi saka, ka atklāti par to runāt, prasa drosmi, uzdrīkstēšanos … jā! Un tā ir daļa no mana ceļa, bet ne gala mērķis …
[..] Tu nevari nonākt pie drosmes, neizejot cauri ievainojamībai, punkts [..] Brenè Brown
Lai šī grāmata ir iedrošinājums arī jums - būt īstiem, nevis perfektiem … sākumā nepavisam nav viegli, ir pat bailīgi - bet ir ļoti, ļoti vērts…
November 3, 2023
مجموعه ای بود از تمرین هایی که باعث میشد از درونتون بنویسید و بیشتر احساساتی که درونتون ریشه پیدا کردن به واسطه افسردگی رو بشناسید.مطلب خاصی نداشت.
June 8, 2019
No one knows the real you because you never let them in. You're not comfortable with the reality of you so you pretend it doesn't exist. If this sounds all too familiar to you, then you need this book.
5/5 stars.
ARC, ebook, 232 pages.
Read from May 29, 2019 to May 31, 2019.
Review at The Pluviophile Writer: https://bit.ly/2WIm0F6
You always meet your deadlines regardless of how you're feeling, you push forward through difficult circumstances and hide behind a facade in order to keep an appearance of having it all together. All because you don't want to be perceived as incompetent or weak, yet inside you're constantly battling with yourself, your feelings, and your self-worth. You've tried to line yourself up with the standard definitions of depression yet you never fully fit it due to your heightened sense of responsibility, your inability to recognise or share your feelings, and the high sense of control you constantly try to implement in your life. No one knows the real you because you never let them in. You're not comfortable with the reality of you so you pretend it doesn't exist. If this sounds all too familiar to you, then you need this book.
After some harrowing experiences with patients, the author of this book noticed a pattern and began to put together the shape of this unique type of depression that often goes unnoticed and undiagnosed. Coined by the author, Perfectly Hidden Depression (PHD) can be the result of a variety of factors such as upbringing, ingrained beliefs, and personality traits. The author states that there isn't anything in the Diagnostics and Statistics Manual (DSM) on this type of depression but that this is an acknowledgement and an observation from her own professional experiences (which she details and provides resources for). The author believes PHD is a subset of depression that many practitioners miss because it doesn't present the way the DSM has listed. The author gives this list of defining features that make up someone with PHD:
The author of this book is shedding light on an area of depression that requires some serious attention. Her writing is personable, concise, insightful, informative, resourceful and clinical. I have already recommended this book to at least three people I know and I anxiously await its publication as I look forward to adding this to my permanent bookshelf. At this time, I have not done the reflections recommended in the book as I was excited and anxious to get through all the content because of how alarmingly relevant I found it. I am now looking forward to re-reading the book and diligently doing the reflections which I believe will be immensely valuable. I've already started recommending this book which is due to be published on November 1, 2019. I highly recommended this book to anyone who feels they fit this description, and if you do, chances are you're reluctant to reach out for help, so start with this book, no one has to know.
5/5 stars.
ARC, ebook, 232 pages.
Read from May 29, 2019 to May 31, 2019.
Review at The Pluviophile Writer: https://bit.ly/2WIm0F6
You always meet your deadlines regardless of how you're feeling, you push forward through difficult circumstances and hide behind a facade in order to keep an appearance of having it all together. All because you don't want to be perceived as incompetent or weak, yet inside you're constantly battling with yourself, your feelings, and your self-worth. You've tried to line yourself up with the standard definitions of depression yet you never fully fit it due to your heightened sense of responsibility, your inability to recognise or share your feelings, and the high sense of control you constantly try to implement in your life. No one knows the real you because you never let them in. You're not comfortable with the reality of you so you pretend it doesn't exist. If this sounds all too familiar to you, then you need this book.
After some harrowing experiences with patients, the author of this book noticed a pattern and began to put together the shape of this unique type of depression that often goes unnoticed and undiagnosed. Coined by the author, Perfectly Hidden Depression (PHD) can be the result of a variety of factors such as upbringing, ingrained beliefs, and personality traits. The author states that there isn't anything in the Diagnostics and Statistics Manual (DSM) on this type of depression but that this is an acknowledgement and an observation from her own professional experiences (which she details and provides resources for). The author believes PHD is a subset of depression that many practitioners miss because it doesn't present the way the DSM has listed. The author gives this list of defining features that make up someone with PHD:
Are highly perfectionistic and have a constant, critical,Think of some of the shocking celebrity suicides that have happened recently, Anthony Bourdain, for example. Everyone thought he has this dream life and that he seemed like a generally happy and satisfied person. What if Anthony was the epitome of PHD? In that, he felt his personal value was only in his accomplishments, driven by how grateful he thought he should feel, and then feeling burdened and overwhelmed by the mask of achievement and perfection that he felt he had to wear. He also had addiction problems. If we knew more about people that presented with this perfectly masked depression we could provide them with better treatment and save them and those around them an immense amount of suffering
and shaming inner voice
Demonstrate a heightened or excessive sense of
responsibility
Detach from painful emotions by staying in your head
and actively shutting them off
Worry and need to control yourself and your
environment
Intensely focus on tasks, using accomplishment to feel
valuable
Focus on the well-being of others but don't allow them
into your inner world
Discount personal hurt or sorrow and struggle with
self-compassion
May have an accompanying mental health issue, such
as an eating disorder, anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or addiction
Believe strongly in counting your blessings as the foundation of well-being
May enjoy success within a professional structure but
struggle with emotional intimacy in relationships
"Anthony Bourdain was apparently not physically ill, not financially destitute, not concerned about getting his next meal, and not lacking in fame. In fact, he remarked he had “the greatest job in the world.”" - Toronto Sun, July 7, 2018It's hard not to get personal in reviewing this book as I picked it up from Netgalley out of my own personal interest. After reading The Gifts of Imperfection eight years ago I worked through my own PHD, which at the time was just learning to be vulnerable again. I started talking and writing about my issues and the condition, dermatillomania, that still plagues me, something that would have been unthinkable before. I made steep headway with Brené Brown's book but it wasn't enough. This book feels like the acknowledgement and the validation I need to press forward in my own personal growth and happiness in terms of the regressions I have made at this point in my life.
The author of this book is shedding light on an area of depression that requires some serious attention. Her writing is personable, concise, insightful, informative, resourceful and clinical. I have already recommended this book to at least three people I know and I anxiously await its publication as I look forward to adding this to my permanent bookshelf. At this time, I have not done the reflections recommended in the book as I was excited and anxious to get through all the content because of how alarmingly relevant I found it. I am now looking forward to re-reading the book and diligently doing the reflections which I believe will be immensely valuable. I've already started recommending this book which is due to be published on November 1, 2019. I highly recommended this book to anyone who feels they fit this description, and if you do, chances are you're reluctant to reach out for help, so start with this book, no one has to know.
May 30, 2019
I really resonated with this book. I seem to always have some level of chronic anxiety and depression and much of it all stems from my perfectionism. I am in a frenzy if someone wants to come over last minute and the house isn't perfect or if I haven't lost the baby weight after leaving the hospital after giving birth 48 hours late.r In my head I sometimes realize that things like these may be a bit silly, but somehow in the moment they never seem that way and it really takes a toll on my emotional health and my ability to be there for my family.
This book really helps to make the reader aware of issues like these and to also realize it is normal but doesn't have to be how you live your life. You can get the help you need and make the commitments to consciously do what you need to be happier (not just on the outside, but on the inside!) Learning to accept your imperfect self can be challenging and is something I know I am working on, but this book can really help give that motivation and outline those steps in order to make the appropriate changes necessary.
This book really helps to make the reader aware of issues like these and to also realize it is normal but doesn't have to be how you live your life. You can get the help you need and make the commitments to consciously do what you need to be happier (not just on the outside, but on the inside!) Learning to accept your imperfect self can be challenging and is something I know I am working on, but this book can really help give that motivation and outline those steps in order to make the appropriate changes necessary.
February 8, 2025
Grāmata, kuru nevar vienkārši palasīt un aizmirst. Tā iet līdzi un un atgādina par rūpēm par sevi, un atgādina, ka būs vien jāvelk tā grāmata vēlreiz ārā un jāizdzīvo vēlreiz ar detaļām, ar uzdevumiem ar sevis pašanalīzi un izvēli dzīvot labāku dzīvi bez slēptas vai atklātas depresijas vai depresijas pie pamales.
June 28, 2024
4,8 ⭐
Grāmatas, kuras recenziju nevarēju uzrakstīt gandrīz nedēļu - mans perfekcionisms pat ieslēdzās šeit:)
Izcila grāmata labākai sevis izprašanai un pieņemšanai, līdz nenotiek kas sliktāks - ar virkni uzdevumiem.
Jāsāk ar grāmatā minēto faktu, ka perfekti apslēptā depresija nav diagnoze. Tā nav psihiska slimība. Tas ir termins, kuru autore ir radījusi, lai aprakstītu uzvedības kopumu, aiz kura var slēpties īsta depresija... bet ne vienmēr slēpjas. Iespējams grāmatas nosaukums varētu kādu baidīt, jo negribas taču, lai kāds padomātu, ka ar mums kaut kas nav kārtībā!
Grāmatu iesaku sākt ar anketas aizpildīšanu 77 lapā un perfekti apslēptās depresijas pazīmēm 26 lapā - lai saprastu, vai tas mani skar. Un jāatzīst - mani skar! Gan sākot ar pastiprinātu atbildības sajūtu, perfekcionismu, gan paškritiku, augstām prasībām pret sevi, neiejūtību pret sevi, nespēju sajust un atzīt pārslodzi, kontroli par un ap lietām, kuras nevaru ietekmēt.
Grāmata sniedz atbildi, kā izlauzties no šī perfekcionisma, kā atpazīt un lauzt destruktīvos paternus un kā piedzīvot savu patieso būtību un būt laimīgākam šeit un tagad. Bez darba ar sevi un apzinātības šķiet tas nebūs iespējams, bet vienmēr jau vajag sākt ar pirmo soli.
Mani ļoti uzrunāja grāmatā minētie reālie stāsti un pāris tik ļoti ar mani norezonēja - kā mēs tomēr esam uzcēluši tik lielus mūrus ap sevi, nerādām savu ievainojamību un esam perfekti.
Tai pašā laikā jautājums, cik apkārtējā sabiedrība ir gatava dzirdēt godīgas atbildes uz jautājumu, kā Tev iet. Kad aprīļa vidū pati nonācu ļoti zemā punktā, uz jautājumu, kā man iet, es atbildēju diezgan godīgi un secināju, ka vieglāk būtu teikt, ka viss ir forši. Tas neērtuma brīdis un cilvēku vēlme mainīt tematu - šķiet mēs neesam gatavi runāt par neērtām tēmām.
Otra lieta - tas, kā mēs savu dzīvi parādām sociālajos tīklos - vai arī kā citi to redz. Kad maija sākumā vienā no atbalsta grupām (mentoriem tās ir obligātas) atzinu, ka jūtu, ka vairs nekotrolēju savu dzīvi, es esmu pārgurusi un netieku vairs vispār ar ko galā, viena cita mentore teica - Tu tik daudz paspēj, tik daudz izdari un mēs vienmēr brīnāmies kā tas Tev izdodas- Tu vari visu. Varu visus nomierināt, ka tas tā nebūt nav un mans mērķis nebūt nav radīt tādu priekšstatu. Arī es esmu tikai cilvēks- nereti ļoti pārguris cilvēks.
Grāmata man sniedza iedrošinājumu un atbildes uz jautājumiem, kurus pati jau kādu laiku biju piefiksējusi - būt godīgai pret sevi un citiem, nebaidīties būs ievainojamai, ieklausīties sevī un būt pret sevi tikpat iejūtīgai, cik esmu pret apkārtējiem.
Grāmatas, kuras recenziju nevarēju uzrakstīt gandrīz nedēļu - mans perfekcionisms pat ieslēdzās šeit:)
Izcila grāmata labākai sevis izprašanai un pieņemšanai, līdz nenotiek kas sliktāks - ar virkni uzdevumiem.
Jāsāk ar grāmatā minēto faktu, ka perfekti apslēptā depresija nav diagnoze. Tā nav psihiska slimība. Tas ir termins, kuru autore ir radījusi, lai aprakstītu uzvedības kopumu, aiz kura var slēpties īsta depresija... bet ne vienmēr slēpjas. Iespējams grāmatas nosaukums varētu kādu baidīt, jo negribas taču, lai kāds padomātu, ka ar mums kaut kas nav kārtībā!
Grāmatu iesaku sākt ar anketas aizpildīšanu 77 lapā un perfekti apslēptās depresijas pazīmēm 26 lapā - lai saprastu, vai tas mani skar. Un jāatzīst - mani skar! Gan sākot ar pastiprinātu atbildības sajūtu, perfekcionismu, gan paškritiku, augstām prasībām pret sevi, neiejūtību pret sevi, nespēju sajust un atzīt pārslodzi, kontroli par un ap lietām, kuras nevaru ietekmēt.
Grāmata sniedz atbildi, kā izlauzties no šī perfekcionisma, kā atpazīt un lauzt destruktīvos paternus un kā piedzīvot savu patieso būtību un būt laimīgākam šeit un tagad. Bez darba ar sevi un apzinātības šķiet tas nebūs iespējams, bet vienmēr jau vajag sākt ar pirmo soli.
Mani ļoti uzrunāja grāmatā minētie reālie stāsti un pāris tik ļoti ar mani norezonēja - kā mēs tomēr esam uzcēluši tik lielus mūrus ap sevi, nerādām savu ievainojamību un esam perfekti.
Tai pašā laikā jautājums, cik apkārtējā sabiedrība ir gatava dzirdēt godīgas atbildes uz jautājumu, kā Tev iet. Kad aprīļa vidū pati nonācu ļoti zemā punktā, uz jautājumu, kā man iet, es atbildēju diezgan godīgi un secināju, ka vieglāk būtu teikt, ka viss ir forši. Tas neērtuma brīdis un cilvēku vēlme mainīt tematu - šķiet mēs neesam gatavi runāt par neērtām tēmām.
Otra lieta - tas, kā mēs savu dzīvi parādām sociālajos tīklos - vai arī kā citi to redz. Kad maija sākumā vienā no atbalsta grupām (mentoriem tās ir obligātas) atzinu, ka jūtu, ka vairs nekotrolēju savu dzīvi, es esmu pārgurusi un netieku vairs vispār ar ko galā, viena cita mentore teica - Tu tik daudz paspēj, tik daudz izdari un mēs vienmēr brīnāmies kā tas Tev izdodas- Tu vari visu. Varu visus nomierināt, ka tas tā nebūt nav un mans mērķis nebūt nav radīt tādu priekšstatu. Arī es esmu tikai cilvēks- nereti ļoti pārguris cilvēks.
Grāmata man sniedza iedrošinājumu un atbildes uz jautājumiem, kurus pati jau kādu laiku biju piefiksējusi - būt godīgai pret sevi un citiem, nebaidīties būs ievainojamai, ieklausīties sevī un būt pret sevi tikpat iejūtīgai, cik esmu pret apkārtējiem.
May 6, 2024
با این که یه جاهایی سخت باهاش ارتباط میگرفتم، ولی در کل مفید بود و بهم کمک کرد.
November 15, 2020
Ik vond dit echt een zeer interessant boek over perfectionisme en depressie. Heel confronterend, met veel voorbeelden uit haar prakijk. Het is voor een groot deel ook echt een werkboek met oefeningen, en die heb ik tijdens het lezen overgeslagen, maar ik heb eigenlijk wel zin om een voor een alle "reflecties" eens te doen.
June 19, 2021
like reading my damn mind. i feel like this book also went well with Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
December 11, 2023
ارتباط روانپزشک با افراد رو خیلی خوب شرح داده،کتاب کمک کننده ایه و زرد نیست!
December 9, 2025
Izmaiņas, izaugsme un dziedināšanās ir process - ceļš, nevis galamērķis.
December 15, 2019
Perfectly Hidden Depression by Dr Margaret Rutherford s a must read. Even if you do not think you have it, I am confident that you know someone with it and it will help you in your interactions with them. These people do not appear depressed. They are very active and appear happy; not what you expect depression to look like.
Some of you may automatically know you are a perfectionist. Others may not recognize the behavior until you read how it can manifest itself. The author shares 10 characteristics of perfectly hidden depression.
Once you understand what perfectly hidden depression is very well, the author gives you a quiz to see how well you relate to it. From there we move to part II where you start learning the five stages of healing.
The author includes sections to journal, answer questions and think through what you have read and how it relates to you. In addition, there are real stories; these were very impactful for me. The author’s compassion and empathy come through the book loud and clear. It makes you feel like you know her and the book is written to where you feel she is talking to you directly.
Again, I want to stress that I highly recommend this book. Even if you think it is not for you, I am confident you will know someone you want to share the book with.
Some of you may automatically know you are a perfectionist. Others may not recognize the behavior until you read how it can manifest itself. The author shares 10 characteristics of perfectly hidden depression.
Once you understand what perfectly hidden depression is very well, the author gives you a quiz to see how well you relate to it. From there we move to part II where you start learning the five stages of healing.
The author includes sections to journal, answer questions and think through what you have read and how it relates to you. In addition, there are real stories; these were very impactful for me. The author’s compassion and empathy come through the book loud and clear. It makes you feel like you know her and the book is written to where you feel she is talking to you directly.
Again, I want to stress that I highly recommend this book. Even if you think it is not for you, I am confident you will know someone you want to share the book with.
May 3, 2021
Anyone living in North America should read this. Especially men, and especially those who have read No More Mr. Nice Guy, as I think they are complementary. Rutherford articulates some concepts that otherwise have no vocabulary. Do the exercises, as much as they'll make you cringe.
December 25, 2020
Have you ever said: "I Should be grateful", "My life is perfect, why am I feeling like this?!"
Probably you're suffering from Perfectly Hidden Depression (PHD). How to make sure you really have this? There are ten characteristic, some of them are:
You detach from painful emotions by staying in your head and actively shutting the off.
"You may deny emotional pain of any kind. you might tell yourself, Things just don't bother me. You've stuffed all your painfull experiences and memories into boxes and shoved them far away in some remote closet in your mind."
You worry and need to control yourself and your environment.
"Worry leads to a need for control, which leads to taking more responsibilty, which lead to exhaustion, whch leads to hidden anger or resentement."
Then the book will talk about the stages of healing. One of them is: Attain consciousness
"Mindfulness is being aware of each moment of an emotion's wave apparent life, riding it until it inevitably comes to an end."
What I liked about the books is that it's filled with "Reflections", each one is a task to do; write what you are thinking/feeling, each one is realted to the main topic and it's not an easy task.
I learned many lessons from this book, the major two were:
1. Moving toward learning how to feel calm and give up constant worry.
"All of us, every day, cope with not knowing excatly what will happen in the next moment. if you tried to imagine and protect yourself and those you love from every potential mishap, your anxiety would go through the roof."
2. Moving toward allowing others into my real world.
"Leting other people in so that they really know you is something you've not done. This is a chance for you to allow other people who care about you to discover their own talent for giving. Allow your loved ones to know how good it can feel to be leaned on, to know that you value their opinion, or that your relationship with them can survive and thrive even given conflict."
Probably you're suffering from Perfectly Hidden Depression (PHD). How to make sure you really have this? There are ten characteristic, some of them are:
You detach from painful emotions by staying in your head and actively shutting the off.
"You may deny emotional pain of any kind. you might tell yourself, Things just don't bother me. You've stuffed all your painfull experiences and memories into boxes and shoved them far away in some remote closet in your mind."
You worry and need to control yourself and your environment.
"Worry leads to a need for control, which leads to taking more responsibilty, which lead to exhaustion, whch leads to hidden anger or resentement."
Then the book will talk about the stages of healing. One of them is: Attain consciousness
"Mindfulness is being aware of each moment of an emotion's wave apparent life, riding it until it inevitably comes to an end."
What I liked about the books is that it's filled with "Reflections", each one is a task to do; write what you are thinking/feeling, each one is realted to the main topic and it's not an easy task.
I learned many lessons from this book, the major two were:
1. Moving toward learning how to feel calm and give up constant worry.
"All of us, every day, cope with not knowing excatly what will happen in the next moment. if you tried to imagine and protect yourself and those you love from every potential mishap, your anxiety would go through the roof."
2. Moving toward allowing others into my real world.
"Leting other people in so that they really know you is something you've not done. This is a chance for you to allow other people who care about you to discover their own talent for giving. Allow your loved ones to know how good it can feel to be leaned on, to know that you value their opinion, or that your relationship with them can survive and thrive even given conflict."
June 17, 2022
Lifechanging and powerful book. I have never thought that one book can change so much in me. I’ve found so many answers about myself, opened boxes hidden in me for many years which were still there, but locked deep inside, and I didn't even know about them. They caused so many constantly recurring problems/ patterns in my life. Now, after reading this book I really see where my emotions affect me and from now on it'll be easier to work with them. I recommend this book not only to people who are dealing with PHD but also to those who want to know much more about themselves. This book also helps you understand what a mental health is as a whole and how important it is for living your unperfectly perfect life.
December 28, 2024
Grāmata, kuru noteikti nevar izlasīt vienā rāviena, jo pie katras sadaļas klāt ir arī pašizziņas uzdevums. Grāmata, kuru labāk neieteiktu ņemt bibliotēkā, bet iegādāties sev un rūpīgi apsvērt visus uzdevumus. Grāmata, kas labi iederas pie gada noslēguma. Grāmata, kurā, jāatzīst, es atradu daļu sevis. Darbs ar sevi nekad nav viegls, tad nu šo es varētu pievienot savā Jaunā gada apņemšanās sarakstā.
“Visbeidzot - atzīt, ka esi depresijā, nozīmētu atzīt kļūdu, bet, ja tev piemīt perfekcionisms, tad kļūdas ir jāslēpj.”
“Raizes noved pie vajadzības kontrolēt, tas noved pie lielākas atbildības uzņemšanās, kas noved pie spēku izsīkuma, kas savukārt noved pie apslēptām dusmām vai aizvainojuma.”
“Ko nozīmē barot kādu daļu sevis? Tas ir tas, uz ko tu koncentrējies - kur savā prātā un sirdī tu dzīvo un pavadi savu laiku.”
“Visbeidzot - atzīt, ka esi depresijā, nozīmētu atzīt kļūdu, bet, ja tev piemīt perfekcionisms, tad kļūdas ir jāslēpj.”
“Raizes noved pie vajadzības kontrolēt, tas noved pie lielākas atbildības uzņemšanās, kas noved pie spēku izsīkuma, kas savukārt noved pie apslēptām dusmām vai aizvainojuma.”
“Ko nozīmē barot kādu daļu sevis? Tas ir tas, uz ko tu koncentrējies - kur savā prātā un sirdī tu dzīvo un pavadi savu laiku.”
January 3, 2025
از متن كتاب:
«این کتاب به درد چه کسانی میخورد؟
اگر مجذوب اصطلاح «افسردگی کاملا نهفته» شدهاید، اگر با دیدن عنوان این کتاب فورا احساس آرامش، ارتباط یا کنجکاوی کردید، اگر کمالطلبیتان دستوپاگیر شده است، این کتاب به دردتان میخورد.»
واقعا هم همينه. اگر تجربه اتاق تراپى رفتن رو داشته باشيد خيلى از تمرينهاش احتمالا براتون تكراريه. ولى متنهاش گاها مُسَكنيه براى دردهاى پنهان شدمون.
خوندنش قطعا ضررى نداره.
«این کتاب به درد چه کسانی میخورد؟
اگر مجذوب اصطلاح «افسردگی کاملا نهفته» شدهاید، اگر با دیدن عنوان این کتاب فورا احساس آرامش، ارتباط یا کنجکاوی کردید، اگر کمالطلبیتان دستوپاگیر شده است، این کتاب به دردتان میخورد.»
واقعا هم همينه. اگر تجربه اتاق تراپى رفتن رو داشته باشيد خيلى از تمرينهاش احتمالا براتون تكراريه. ولى متنهاش گاها مُسَكنيه براى دردهاى پنهان شدمون.
خوندنش قطعا ضررى نداره.
January 19, 2020
Perfectly Hidden Depression is a dangerous thing and not enough people are aware of it. This book provides comforting guidance in finding the root of the readers’ PHD and chronic perfectionism and how to move forward. I skimmed through a lot of the reflections because I’m currently too lazy for that but the prompts definitely seemed like they would be enlightening.
December 31, 2023
I liked what I read, but it came due before I could read more of it. This book describes someone I know who is a major overachiever but is having huge stress-related health issues. She would benefit from reading this book! I benefitted and only read a few chapters!
June 15, 2019
If your own critical thoughts are oftentimes your worst enemy, this might be a book for you?
If nothing for you is ever quite as good as it could be, if your focus is on what isn’t, instead of what is, and inwardly you’re chastising and demeaning yourself over what you perceive as inadequacies and failures, then this book might be for you?
It's a funny(not in the HAHA way) thing how shame works, isn't it? Let’s face it. Sometimes, we all need to be critical of ourselves. Obviously, having a conscience is important, and empathy for those around you is necessary to enjoy quality connections with others. Holding yourself accountable is important, but constantly nagging yourself? Opening your eyes first thing in the morning, and having some kind of negative thought about yourself? Well, that's a waste of your life!
What's not a waste of your life, I don't feel anyways, is giving this book a try whether or not you yourself are actually a sufferer of hidden depression or not. I've never thought educating yourself on any subject matter that you don't know much about is a waste, in fact just the opposite is true for me. Reading stories about other people's struggles and successful(and sometimes not) outcomes helps me to take a more open-minded approach to how I deal with the daily struggles of living with a high functioning teenager who deals with both ends of the spectrum where mental health is concerned. This teenager wears the "mask" each and every day when they leave the "safety" of home and on the rare occasion lately the "mask" has partially slipped off in public ... scary I know, but on the other hand so beneficial for this teenager to see that even the people who weren't aware of the issues do actually care and do actually reach out to help once they see what has been hidden fairly well up to this point.
I could prattle on and on and on about the need for more mental health awareness in our society and in our families and communities but bottom line is, I really enjoyed reading this book(even if it's not an actual physical book yet, Nov. '19 I think? And yes I want to buy it when it becomes available, it was a beneficial enough read for me that I would spend the $$ to own a hard copy)(I'm old school, what else can I say?!) 4 ½ Stars for it and its author. Seems like she knows what she's talking about!
If nothing for you is ever quite as good as it could be, if your focus is on what isn’t, instead of what is, and inwardly you’re chastising and demeaning yourself over what you perceive as inadequacies and failures, then this book might be for you?
It's a funny(not in the HAHA way) thing how shame works, isn't it? Let’s face it. Sometimes, we all need to be critical of ourselves. Obviously, having a conscience is important, and empathy for those around you is necessary to enjoy quality connections with others. Holding yourself accountable is important, but constantly nagging yourself? Opening your eyes first thing in the morning, and having some kind of negative thought about yourself? Well, that's a waste of your life!
What's not a waste of your life, I don't feel anyways, is giving this book a try whether or not you yourself are actually a sufferer of hidden depression or not. I've never thought educating yourself on any subject matter that you don't know much about is a waste, in fact just the opposite is true for me. Reading stories about other people's struggles and successful(and sometimes not) outcomes helps me to take a more open-minded approach to how I deal with the daily struggles of living with a high functioning teenager who deals with both ends of the spectrum where mental health is concerned. This teenager wears the "mask" each and every day when they leave the "safety" of home and on the rare occasion lately the "mask" has partially slipped off in public ... scary I know, but on the other hand so beneficial for this teenager to see that even the people who weren't aware of the issues do actually care and do actually reach out to help once they see what has been hidden fairly well up to this point.
I could prattle on and on and on about the need for more mental health awareness in our society and in our families and communities but bottom line is, I really enjoyed reading this book(even if it's not an actual physical book yet, Nov. '19 I think? And yes I want to buy it when it becomes available, it was a beneficial enough read for me that I would spend the $$ to own a hard copy)(I'm old school, what else can I say?!) 4 ½ Stars for it and its author. Seems like she knows what she's talking about!
April 13, 2021
I regret letting this book go unread for far too long. It is fantastic. A much needed resource for those struggling with perfectionism and depression, and the professionals that help them. The journaling reflections will be priceless to them!
If you don’t struggle with perfectly hidden depression, this book can give you insight and compassion for someone you know that does. Depression doesn’t have the same characteristics in everyone. That woman you know that seems to do everything effortlessly may be barely keeping it together inside.
While I would say that this book may be geared towards mothers and/or career women, the information is invaluable to all.
I received an advance reader copy from NetGalley and New Harbinger Publications in exchange for my honest review.
If you don’t struggle with perfectly hidden depression, this book can give you insight and compassion for someone you know that does. Depression doesn’t have the same characteristics in everyone. That woman you know that seems to do everything effortlessly may be barely keeping it together inside.
While I would say that this book may be geared towards mothers and/or career women, the information is invaluable to all.
I received an advance reader copy from NetGalley and New Harbinger Publications in exchange for my honest review.
October 21, 2019
I was lucky enough to receive an advanced readers copy from Dr Margaret! And I urge everyone to give it a read!
I didn’t fit the ‘typical depression’ criteria, but I always knew something wasn’t quite right with my mood, I had anxiety sure, but my mood didn’t fit the standard mould. I was perfectionistic, highly strung and functional, I filled my days with busyness you mask the crippling inadequacy I felt.
for years i was often ignored by professionals. So To finally have someone recognise that depression isn’t one size fits all, was such a relief! I wasn’t crazy or imagining what I felt.
My impressions of the book:
It’s easy to read
Insightful
Relatable
It’s not jargon heavy, which makes it easier to understand.
The reflections/journal prompts are in manageable bites and are connected throughout the book and I found them really helpful on my journey of self reflection.
The Anecdotes are well placed and relatable to each of the topics covered.
Hell! even if you don’t identify with PHD, or depression this book is still worth a read if you’re on a self-discovery journey!
Over all I’ve loved reading it, as far as self help books go this is the best one I’ve read yet! Thank you Dr Margaret Rutherford!
I didn’t fit the ‘typical depression’ criteria, but I always knew something wasn’t quite right with my mood, I had anxiety sure, but my mood didn’t fit the standard mould. I was perfectionistic, highly strung and functional, I filled my days with busyness you mask the crippling inadequacy I felt.
for years i was often ignored by professionals. So To finally have someone recognise that depression isn’t one size fits all, was such a relief! I wasn’t crazy or imagining what I felt.
My impressions of the book:
It’s easy to read
Insightful
Relatable
It’s not jargon heavy, which makes it easier to understand.
The reflections/journal prompts are in manageable bites and are connected throughout the book and I found them really helpful on my journey of self reflection.
The Anecdotes are well placed and relatable to each of the topics covered.
Hell! even if you don’t identify with PHD, or depression this book is still worth a read if you’re on a self-discovery journey!
Over all I’ve loved reading it, as far as self help books go this is the best one I’ve read yet! Thank you Dr Margaret Rutherford!
January 10, 2020
Perfectly Hidden depression is a well written book, with amazing exercises that I would encourage for many if not most people that are really motivated to work on their depression. However, I found Margaret Rutherford's tone a bit harsh at times and it rather than the difficult exercises made me want to stop. Rutherford also, in my opinion, takes liberties about naming perfectly hidden depression without any true examples about how this hidden depression is not, in fact, diagnostically relevant depression. This book does know it's own boundaries and Rutherford does a good job of encouraging the reader to get IRL support when necessary. I believe that the exercises in this book may be very helpful for anyone wanting to make changes in their depression, if they can manage the book.
August 26, 2019
This is a powerful book. I recognized traits and behaviors in myself and others that I never would have attributed to depression before, yet it makes perfect sense. I hope this work will not only bring relief to those struggling with depression, but also bring more understanding to mental health as a whole. There is an unfair stigma around depression that prevents many from getting the help they need, and that needs to change. Margaret Rutherford does an excellent job of explaining issues in layperson terms and without judgment. If you have ever known a perfectionist or been one yourself, you need to read this book.
Thanks to the publishers and NetGalley for the digital ARC.
Thanks to the publishers and NetGalley for the digital ARC.
August 17, 2019
Goes through five stages of healing, understanding and living. There are reflections sections - throughout the book and are exercises, then someone's story/ information. progress through the information presented. Does give some information on a few disorders. There are 3 pages of references and 2 pages of resources for readers which can help the reader to go further. Good starting point to anxiety and depression.
February 3, 2024
کتاب بسیار خوبی برای افراد کمالگراست، به شخصه برای منی درگیر پنهان کردن خودم و احساساتم بودم کمک کرد کمی احساساتم رو بیان کنم و نترسم از اینکه کنترل اوضاع از دستم بره و آسیب پذیر و نا کامل دیده بشم.^^
January 20, 2023
I really enjoyed learning about how perfectionism can often mask depression in ways that don't always look like typical depression!
September 7, 2024
Eleganta ideja. Daudz iedrošinājuma meklēt atbalstu. Svešāds (amerikānisks) konteksts.
June 20, 2019
In this new book, due to be released in November 2019, Rutherford talks about an obscure form of depression marked by completely hiding your symptoms and being a perfectionist. Whereas with normal depression, people will notice your lethargy or increasingly sad moods, people with Perfectly Hidden Depression (or PHD, as she calls it in the book) outwardly show no signs of being depressed.
For people who are perfectionists, how others perceive you is incredibly important, and showing your vulnerability is not an option. You might hide your symptoms so well that even the people closest to you might have no idea what you’re really going through.
The book is perfect for people who think they might be experiencing this sort of depression and want to do something about it. Each section of the book is followed by a journal prompt to help you reflect on yourself and your own habits. I like that with a book such as this one, you’re able to move at your own pace and spend plenty of time on the prompts and reflections. There are also real-life stories about Dr. Rutherford’s patients and how they learned to deal with PHD.
I do not have what Dr. Rutherford calls “Perfectly Hidden Depression;” my depression is of the more typical variety. However, if you recognize that your perfectionism is causing you to internalize your depression and you want a way out of that suffering, I highly recommend this book.
For people who are perfectionists, how others perceive you is incredibly important, and showing your vulnerability is not an option. You might hide your symptoms so well that even the people closest to you might have no idea what you’re really going through.
The book is perfect for people who think they might be experiencing this sort of depression and want to do something about it. Each section of the book is followed by a journal prompt to help you reflect on yourself and your own habits. I like that with a book such as this one, you’re able to move at your own pace and spend plenty of time on the prompts and reflections. There are also real-life stories about Dr. Rutherford’s patients and how they learned to deal with PHD.
I do not have what Dr. Rutherford calls “Perfectly Hidden Depression;” my depression is of the more typical variety. However, if you recognize that your perfectionism is causing you to internalize your depression and you want a way out of that suffering, I highly recommend this book.
March 22, 2023
I can see how this book would be super helpful for someone who hasn't sought help for depression before. There's a lot of info about how difficult it can be to ask for help, especially if you're someone who sees themselves as totally self-sufficient and not weak in any way. However, for someone who's been in treatment for awhile, there probably isn't anything earth-shatteringly new to learn about.
There is a lot I could relate to with the description of what 'perfectly hidden depression' and perfectionism are. And there were a few things that I think I can think about in a reframed way. But because I've been in therapy for so long and have been working on shying away from hiding my feelings, I don't think this will really change the course of my treatment. The inclusion of specific cases was the most helpful aspect - hearing people's stories and how they worked to overcome their depression made this a worthwhile read. This book could be useful for therapists to suggest to new clients who need to learn more about how hiding their depression can negatively impact their mental health.
*Free copy provided by Netgalley and the publisher in exchange for an honest review*
There is a lot I could relate to with the description of what 'perfectly hidden depression' and perfectionism are. And there were a few things that I think I can think about in a reframed way. But because I've been in therapy for so long and have been working on shying away from hiding my feelings, I don't think this will really change the course of my treatment. The inclusion of specific cases was the most helpful aspect - hearing people's stories and how they worked to overcome their depression made this a worthwhile read. This book could be useful for therapists to suggest to new clients who need to learn more about how hiding their depression can negatively impact their mental health.
*Free copy provided by Netgalley and the publisher in exchange for an honest review*
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