Taking Sexy Back: How to Own Your Sexuality and Create the Relationships You Want

by Alexandra H. Solomon, Lori Brotto (Foreword)

“ Taking Sexy Back is going directly on my top list of recommended sexuality readings.”
—Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs

It is time for a new sexual revolution. It’s time to take sexy back. As women, we’re expected to be sexy, but not sexual. We’re bombarded with conflicting, shame-inducing, and disempowering messages about sex, instead of being encouraged to connect with our true sexual selves. Sexy gets reduced to a performance, leaving us with little to no space to reckon with the complexities of sexuality. In a culture intent on telling you who and how to be, standing in your truth is revolutionary.

From relationship expert Alexandra Solomon—author of Loving Bravely — Taking Sexy Back is a groundbreaking guide to deepening your connection to yourself, honoring your desires, and cultivating authentic intimate connections. On these pages, you’ll discover how to deepen your sexual self-awareness, and use that awareness to create experiences that not only pleasure, but elevate, expand, and heal you. You’ll learn to understand your boundaries, communicate what feels good, and bring mindfulness and self-compassion to sex. Most importantly, you’ll embrace your sexuality as an evolving, essential, and beautiful part of your life.

Sex is about more than what your partner enjoys or finds sexy. It’s about more than having an orgasm or finding the “right” positions. It’s about you . It’s time to take your sexy back!

Named one of Cosmopolitan 's Best Nonfiction Books of 2020!

2020 Consumer Book Honorable Mention from The Society for Sex Therapy and Research (SSTAR)

As featured on The Morning Show —Australia's top-rated morning program
 

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Psychology, Feminism, Sexuality, Audiobook

248 pages, Paperback

Published February 2, 2020

Reviews

[Lauren · Rating 3 out of 5]

Okay, so obviously this is the winner of the most embarrassing title ever, but it's actually full of great information. It recaps some of the important ideas in human sexuality (e.g., spontaneous vs. responsive desire; gas and brake pedals vs. "drives"), but primarily focuses on confronting the many harmful cultural messages women encounter about sex and sexuality. Helpful if you'd like new messages to help dismantle and replace the old ones.

[Otilia · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wanted to give it 4 stars but then…I feel like it ended before my special diary I created for it even began to give shape to anything very helpful. I loved a lot of the things I read in there but I don’t feel like it’s given me TOOLS. I always want tools I can use when I am on a self-discovery and improvement journey.

I stil want everyone to have read it because it’s a brief form of crucial ideas.

But I wish the journaling prompts had been better, more helpful.

[Diana · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm not a huge fan of self help books, but I was recommended this one by one of my metastatic breast cancer sisters, so I gave it a read. Not bad, actually. I feel like there wasn't too much new information for me, personally, but I feel like people would definitely benefit from reading this one.

[Angie]

Check out my review for Newcity Lit!

https://lit.newcity.com/2020/02/03/wi...

[Rae · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this mostly for clients and folk I work with. If I was rating it for myself I’d probably give it a 3, not due to content but just due to it being fairly basic in terms of what I already know and have studied. BUT I do think it’ll be an excellent resource for people who I work with, especially those who’ve never really been on a sexual healing journey and are just starting to figure out that there’s more there than what they thought. It had a lot of good ways to frame stuff, and tons of really good content.

The title is just terrible though and I will say I found the author’s use of “my sexy” sort of annoying. Like really, that’s the most clever thing you could come up with?

[Jules · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very informative and empowering. I love the focus on mindfulness and relational self-awareness. While the “Your Sexy” thing is a bit gimmicky for me, the spirit of the book comes across very approachable.

I appreciate that the book includes perspectives for hetero and queer women, and makes a point to challenge gender binary stereotypes.

[Melanie · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was okay - I like the author a lot (her podcast is really good). Didn't feel particularly earth shattering but some good takeaways. Minus a star for the cheesy title.

[Savannah Gray · Rating 5 out of 5]

this book was everything i was hoping Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski would be

[Leandra · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was given this book by a dear friend - thank you! It was very eye opening on social paradigms and how to break them from a loving and curious place. I appreciate the help in learning to have conversations with your partner and other people in our world that matter to us.

[Anna Latimer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I come from a Christian background. The Christian community views sex as a taboo subject and gives its children a very warped sexual education. I think that while the Christian community is well-intentioned with the concept of purity, the effects can be damaging and cause a lot of shame in young women, causing them to believe that they are responsible for the lust of men and that even sexual harassment against them is their fault. The purpose of sex is not just for procreation, not just for fulfilling the desires of your husband, but it is for women's pleasure equally as well as men's. This book was incredibly transformational for me. It does an excellent job reframing sex and sexuality in terms of knowing and loving your own body and freeing yourself from the shame that both Christian culture and society at large tend to pile on girls and women from a young age.

[Rukhsar (rukhsandbooks) · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a great start to opening up this conversation. We obviously have a long way to go and depending on your role in changing society (a teacher, a politician, a parent, a young adult, etc) you may or may not choose to supplement this reading with additional resources.

I wish I’d finished reading this before my boyfriend broke up with me because I think it would have helped me address a lot of my communication issues especially since I entered that relationship with a history of abuse from previous relationships.

Great to see these topics entering mainstream conversation.

Thank you NetGalley and New Harbinger Publications for this ARC.

[Russell Howen · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Taking Sexy Back by Alexandra H. Solomon,PhD gives women guidance toward improving their sexuality and their love toward another. While written primarily for women, she provides a chapter especially for men to assist their loved-one.

[Celine · Rating 2 out of 5]

There were some good takeaways or points that certainly made me reflect or challenge my perceptions; however, overall, I struggled to connect with this book and the author, and the concept of “your sexy”. It wasn’t for me.

[Ally Kornberger · Rating 4 out of 5]

Despite the corny title, this book is empowering and has a lot of great content. The chapters on self-compassion & spirituality were especially impactful for me. I love her concept of the “FGO” to reframe not so great sexual experiences into growth opportunities, as well as her suggestion to send love to others vs. jealousy & comparison.

This book challenged me to think about the messages I was given about sex early on from religion/culture/parents, etc. Most of these messages were rigid and steeped in fear vs. love.

Takeaways -
- We all deserve sexual experiences that leave us feeling more alive, more connected, and more curious. It is vital to pay attention to those experiences that leave us feeling diminished, ashamed, alone. These feelings are data.
- Spiritually infused sexual practices can offer healing and amplify pleasure and connection
- Deep listening is about listening to understand vs. listening to respond. Being curious instead of trying it to solve someone’s problem. Curiosity builds connection.
- Being a great lover is about authenticity, presence, and care

Quotes -
- “There are only two energies at the core of the human experience: love and fear” (23).
- Our relationships are happiest and healthiest when we find ways to blend both safety and novelty (88).
- “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better” ~ Maya Angelou ** freakin love this one

[LaShana Claude]

we need both agency and communion to live as whole hearted humans. In fact, one of the most prominent approaches to couples therapy, emotion focused couples therapy by les Greenberg and Rhonda Goldman, is built upon the understanding that couples are healthiest 9regardless of whether they are mixed sex or same sex0 when the climate of the couple relationship allows both partners to meet both their needs for agency and their needs for communion.

meta-analytic review demonstrated that men who ascribe to sexist beliefs have poorer mental health

sexism blocks our ability to flow between agency and communion.

Traditional masculine habits not only hurt men's physical and psychological health, but also produce the least happy marriages.

Study after study has shown that egalitarian marriages which often involve dual careers and always encompass shared housework and decision making- unequivocally lead to higher rates of marital satisfaction for both sexes than do traditional marriages based on hierarchy and a strict division of roles

Stop associating agency with men and communion with women and we need to stop worshipping agency and holding communion in contempt-

[Andreea-Cristina · Rating 4 out of 5]

An actual book about connecting to yourself and accepting the woman you are. It is addressed to women all around the world , but men can read it too for a better understanding of how a woman should be treated and respected.
I really liked how Alexandra H. Solomon explained that happiness comes from within and, as long as you love and cherish your inner goddess, you will be able to see the world as a better place.
This is the kind of book that should be discussed in the schools of Romania and read by every adolescent. It is really mind opening!

“ There is a world of difference between being sexualised and being sexual.”
“ Perhaps a part of us knows that moving from silence into voice will shake the very foundation of patriarchy.”
“ If you want a great romantic relationship with an intimate partner, you need a great relationship with YOU.”

[Dora Okeyo · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book right here is what I needed! To any woman, young girl- female species reading this, listen, this book right here is the conversation you'll enjoy having with your sisters. Forget the quizzes on magazines, have conversations about sexuality and what your sexy means and what you've been brought up to believe, until you name it and choose the path that's uniquely you.
The tone of writing is friendly and language used is simple which makes this a companion read.
Thanks Netgalley for the eARC.

[Anya · Rating 5 out of 5]

this is not a book to read and put away, it's a book to read two pages and write three for each new pointed question. the author, a licensed therapist, helps to examine various helpful and unhelpful assumptions about sexuality and organize them into something that makes more sense than a passive accumulation of lived experience. i thought i'm just picking up a quick read for a cab ride but it turned up very worth it. like other work by Solomon, it encourages a war and peace volume of reflections.

[Cheryl · Rating 5 out of 5]

Since I interviewed the author as a source for articles, she offered me an advanced copy of her book. My background is in psychology so I can appreciate the psychology techniques throughout the book such as understanding relational self-awareness, self-compassion, or agency (getting stuff done) and communion (connection) but it is written so anyone can relate to it. I also liked how the book incorporates examples, research studies, experts, and questions for self-reflection.

[Kailey · Rating 3 out of 5]

I view sexuality and sex as a very sacred, God-given aspect of moral being, which made some of this difficult to read/agree with. However, the most important points of embracing sexuality and being open to conversations/understanding of it were excellent. What an important part of each of our lives that this book can help us explore and understand for better fulfillment in the most important relationship - with ourselves.

[Jugu · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Relational self-awareness is a paradigm that I have been working on throughout my career. It is the shift from looking for "the right person" to becoming the right person""(16).

"We think of home as the place we came from, but we need to reimagine home as a place we get to create for ourselves again and again"(206).

[Allison · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really liked her break down of sexuality, in the different ways that, as she calls it - your sexy - gets interrupted or misinterpreted by culture, your relationship to your body and mind and how to relax that tension in order to bring yourself back to being and feeling sexy.

[Brittany Connelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

You deserve to read this, your partner deserves you to read this, your friends and your children. There is something in here that is valuable for everyone. A refreshing and genuinely keen insight into what shapes sexuality in every sense of the verb and addresses where we get hung up as individual, as a couple and as a culture addressing women’s sexual experiences, attitudes towards women and their health. And how to break through.

[Erin Hearts · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was expecting more from this book. I don't think I learned anything new, sadly. I'm glad women are writing about sexuality and loving our bodies the way they are, though! So I'm glad I purchased it and it got published.

[Trinity Dubrow · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this super supportive in creating healthy communication in my romantic and platonic relationships. It also allowed me to become more self-aware and honor my own needs. Highly recommend, I tell all my friends looking for sex and relationship advice about this book.

[Molly McDermott · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book actually had some great insights but wow it was so hard to take seriously when she insisted on calling sexuality/desire “your sexy” every other sentence & I almost had to stop reading bc it was making me cringe so much but I pushed through bc some of it was really thought-provoking

[Dora · Rating 4 out of 5]

A lot of good information- young women don’t have it easier - I had no idea there was pressure to get plastic surgery on our lady parts to match the look of “perfection” of porn performers- wow! Some great info on relationships and managing interpersonal communication with a partner also.

[Stephanie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Didn't finish. Unfortunately couldn't hold a candle to Come As You Are.

[Annelise · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly highly recommend for all women (heterosexual and LGBTQ+) !!

[Tricia · Rating 4 out of 5]

lol one of the reviews said "obviously this is the winner of most embarrassing title ever" and yes wish it was less cringe. But that aside, she does a good job of dismantling cultural messages around gender and sexuality and offers helpful frameworks for healing your relationship to your body and sexuality.