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The Disturbed Girl's Dictionary
Macy's school officially classifies her as "disturbed," but Macy isn't interested in how others define her. She's got more pressing problems: her mom can't move off the couch, her dad's in prison, her brother's been kidnapped by Child Protective Services, and now her best friend isn't speaking to her. Writing in a dictionary format, Macy explains the world in her own terms-complete with gritty characters and outrageous endeavors. With an honesty that's both hilarious and fearsome, slowly Macy reveals why she acts out, why she can't tell her incarcerated father that her mom's cheating on him, and why her best friend needs protection . . . the kind of protection that involves Macy's machete.
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First published February 1, 2018
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About the author
NoNieqa Ramos
11 books167 followersNoNieqa Ramos is an educator and writer of picture books and young adult literature.
Their debut picture book YOUR MAMA illustrated by Jacqueline Alcántara earned starred reviews from Booklist, School Library Journal, and Kirkus. The Virginia Center for the Book selected YOUR MAMA as Virginia’s GREAT READ for 2021 highlighted by the Library of Congress’ Center for the Book at the National Book Festival. YOUr MAMA was a finalist for the Kirkus Prize, a School Library Journal Best Picture Book of 2021, a Kirkus Best Picture Book of the 2021, and a National Council of English Books Notable Poetry Book.
They wrote THE DISTURBED GIRL’S DICTIONARY, a 2018 New York Public Library Best Book for Teens, a 2019 YALSA Best Fiction for Young Adults Selection, and a 2019 In the Margins Award Top Ten pick. It earned starred reviews from Booklist, Voya, and Foreword.
Lilliam Rivera, author of DEALING in DREAMS, selected their sophomore YA novel THE TRUTH IS as a Bustle Book Club selection. Hip Latina included TTI in the “10 of the Best Latinx Young Adult Books of 2019.” Remezcla included TTI in the “15 Best Books by Latino and Latin American Authors of 2019.”
Lerner books released their picture book HAIR STORY illustrated by Keisha Morris, October 15th, 2021. Versify will publish BEAUTY WOKE illustrated by Paola Escobar, February 15th, 2022. NoNieqa is a proud member of Las Musas Books collective and the Soaring 20s PB debut group.
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Their debut picture book YOUR MAMA illustrated by Jacqueline Alcántara earned starred reviews from Booklist, School Library Journal, and Kirkus. The Virginia Center for the Book selected YOUR MAMA as Virginia’s GREAT READ for 2021 highlighted by the Library of Congress’ Center for the Book at the National Book Festival. YOUr MAMA was a finalist for the Kirkus Prize, a School Library Journal Best Picture Book of 2021, a Kirkus Best Picture Book of the 2021, and a National Council of English Books Notable Poetry Book.
They wrote THE DISTURBED GIRL’S DICTIONARY, a 2018 New York Public Library Best Book for Teens, a 2019 YALSA Best Fiction for Young Adults Selection, and a 2019 In the Margins Award Top Ten pick. It earned starred reviews from Booklist, Voya, and Foreword.
Lilliam Rivera, author of DEALING in DREAMS, selected their sophomore YA novel THE TRUTH IS as a Bustle Book Club selection. Hip Latina included TTI in the “10 of the Best Latinx Young Adult Books of 2019.” Remezcla included TTI in the “15 Best Books by Latino and Latin American Authors of 2019.”
Lerner books released their picture book HAIR STORY illustrated by Keisha Morris, October 15th, 2021. Versify will publish BEAUTY WOKE illustrated by Paola Escobar, February 15th, 2022. NoNieqa is a proud member of Las Musas Books collective and the Soaring 20s PB debut group.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 301 reviews
February 20, 2018
I give this book 5 out of 5 Freakin Fantastic Stars! I am over the moon about this BOOK!
What attracted me to this book was the cover and the title, then I read the premise and was sold. This book meant more to me than pages in a book, I understood Macy. I was Macy.
I saw many reviews on this book and so many DNF this book because of the spelling and grammatical errors. I understand the need for proper grammer but this was about Macy expressing herself. I thought it was beautiful literature!
This was beyond realistic. When Macy battled Child Protective Services and dealt with all her raw and intense emotions, I was brought back to when I was considered the “disturbed” girl who didn’t have a chance in the system but proved them all wrong.
Being a teenager and facing more things than many adults will ever encounter in their lifetime is tough. When it’s the normal to go without food or deal with “the system” tearing your family apart, it’s tough as a teenager. You’re dealing with all these hormones and messed up emotions but have no idea what to do with it all because you have no choice but to be strong. I have seen the scary side of “the system” and my normal has been “disturbed” just like Macy’s. Macy comes off as a pain in the ass and an angry/crazy teenager. When Macy has all this on the outside, all she really is doing is trying to survive and hide her brokenness. I enjoyed all the characters in this story and loved their backgrounds. Alma and George were great in their sweet but complicated way. Macy’s mother was a complete hot mess. All the characters in this story were realistic in their own messed up and unique way.
This book made me laugh, smile, and cry but overall was an amazing experience that I will never forget. I can’t express enough how hilarious this book was and realistic at the same time. I highly recommend this book to whoever can relate or wants to experience something different! I am so glad that I was able to experience Macy’s journey and to read a disturbed girl’s masterpiece!
What attracted me to this book was the cover and the title, then I read the premise and was sold. This book meant more to me than pages in a book, I understood Macy. I was Macy.
I saw many reviews on this book and so many DNF this book because of the spelling and grammatical errors. I understand the need for proper grammer but this was about Macy expressing herself. I thought it was beautiful literature!
This was beyond realistic. When Macy battled Child Protective Services and dealt with all her raw and intense emotions, I was brought back to when I was considered the “disturbed” girl who didn’t have a chance in the system but proved them all wrong.
Being a teenager and facing more things than many adults will ever encounter in their lifetime is tough. When it’s the normal to go without food or deal with “the system” tearing your family apart, it’s tough as a teenager. You’re dealing with all these hormones and messed up emotions but have no idea what to do with it all because you have no choice but to be strong. I have seen the scary side of “the system” and my normal has been “disturbed” just like Macy’s. Macy comes off as a pain in the ass and an angry/crazy teenager. When Macy has all this on the outside, all she really is doing is trying to survive and hide her brokenness. I enjoyed all the characters in this story and loved their backgrounds. Alma and George were great in their sweet but complicated way. Macy’s mother was a complete hot mess. All the characters in this story were realistic in their own messed up and unique way.
This book made me laugh, smile, and cry but overall was an amazing experience that I will never forget. I can’t express enough how hilarious this book was and realistic at the same time. I highly recommend this book to whoever can relate or wants to experience something different! I am so glad that I was able to experience Macy’s journey and to read a disturbed girl’s masterpiece!
November 8, 2017
Macy Cashmere’s one-of-a-kind, no-holds-barred teen memoir will blow your mind and break your heart. Her unforgettable voice is hard-hitting and unflinching, compassionate and street wise, delivered with a linguistic and structural playfulness that both dazzles the reader and draws them in deep. With Disturbed Girl’s Dictionary, NoNieqa Ramos establishes herself as a literary star on the rise.
January 21, 2019
Although I had very little choice in the matter, this book was extremely good. I am assuming it was written for a YA audience, since that is the course I am taking, but it has liberal amounts of "motherfucker" and "fucker" scattered throughout to ensure any rural, conservative district in existence would burn it before allowing a student to see it.
The story follows Macy, a girl with a machete in the ghetto. It was realistic and depressing. The violence was mostly off scene. The story reads like a typical poverty/abuse/CPS story until about 3/4 of the way through when it takes one Tarantino style turn after another. Overall, I enjoyed the read. It was dropped in the middle of the other books I was reading like a bomb, which grad classes tend to do, but I am glad it did. Not only was it a welcome change of pace. I am fairly certain I learned a thing or two along the way.
Four stars.
The story follows Macy, a girl with a machete in the ghetto. It was realistic and depressing. The violence was mostly off scene. The story reads like a typical poverty/abuse/CPS story until about 3/4 of the way through when it takes one Tarantino style turn after another. Overall, I enjoyed the read. It was dropped in the middle of the other books I was reading like a bomb, which grad classes tend to do, but I am glad it did. Not only was it a welcome change of pace. I am fairly certain I learned a thing or two along the way.
Four stars.
January 18, 2018
Oh my. This book. I’m still trying to find the words to describe how much I was charmed by, fell in love with, then had my heart ripped out by this EXCELLENT piece of literature. @nonieqa.ramos , I HEART Macy. She is the headstrong, imperfect, big-hearted heroine I’ve been waiting for. I am so grateful for the chance to have read an ebook from Edelweiss, and now sing its praises to the world.
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The school Macy Cashmere attends calls her “disturbed”. Especially since she started shaving her head and won’t take directions from teachers. But through the dictionary that Macy writes, we discover she‘s just a teenager doing what she can to get her brother back from Child Protective Services (and not get taken away herself), forage for crumbs in the couch while her mother is off with “Mr. Guest” after “Mr. Guest”, and protect her BFFs Alma and George.
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This book is raw, charming, gritty, humorous and sobering. It impacted me as a teacher because it reveals the stories behind some of the students I have seen in MY classes - some of my most misunderstood, most vulnerable students - and reminded me that everyone needs a Miss Black (You know, someone to leave you books in the recycling bin and expose you to John Coltrane, etc).
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It's not a happily every after story, but I can tell you that The Disturbed Girl's Dictionary will stay with you long after you close its pages.
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Everyone, this book will be released on February 1st, and YOU NEED IT IN YOUR LIFE
•
The school Macy Cashmere attends calls her “disturbed”. Especially since she started shaving her head and won’t take directions from teachers. But through the dictionary that Macy writes, we discover she‘s just a teenager doing what she can to get her brother back from Child Protective Services (and not get taken away herself), forage for crumbs in the couch while her mother is off with “Mr. Guest” after “Mr. Guest”, and protect her BFFs Alma and George.
•
This book is raw, charming, gritty, humorous and sobering. It impacted me as a teacher because it reveals the stories behind some of the students I have seen in MY classes - some of my most misunderstood, most vulnerable students - and reminded me that everyone needs a Miss Black (You know, someone to leave you books in the recycling bin and expose you to John Coltrane, etc).
•
It's not a happily every after story, but I can tell you that The Disturbed Girl's Dictionary will stay with you long after you close its pages.
•
Everyone, this book will be released on February 1st, and YOU NEED IT IN YOUR LIFE
February 25, 2022
I was granted the ARC by Netgally. It took me a bit to get into the rhythm and style of this very unique book, and when I did... BAM!! I was getting up in the morning before everyone else so I could read more about disturbed girl Macy. As a teacher I felt sad for her yet frustrated. Reader be aware, the content and language is mature but completely appropriate to the situation. Again, thank you Netgally for this opportunity.
Meet, Macy Cashmere, a high school girl living in the margins of society. Obstinate, noncompliant and she knows very well that she emotionally disturbed. She’s a problem that no one can break through, whether at home or at school.
Macy is a child of neglect, abuse and poverty. And... Macy’s writing her own book—a secret dictionary that lays out the terms of the world as SHE views and understands them.
Macy’s had to grow up quickly. Her father is in prison. Home is chaotic, and basic necessities—from food to heat to a place to sleep are always at issue. Child Protective Services removed her younger brother and would like to take Macy too. Macy is old enough to make that decision herself and she stays.
In her own voice we view Macy going through her school routine. Although a problem student, Macy is nonetheless deeply engaged—in the well-being of her best friends, Alma and George. Her mother implies her daughter has no friends. Just one of the ways she is always wrecking her daughter’s self esteem
Her blunt, no-nonsense voice lays out her most gruesome and disturbing circumstances she is forced to endure. She tells her story with an honesty that's both hilarious and fearsome.
Meet, Macy Cashmere, a high school girl living in the margins of society. Obstinate, noncompliant and she knows very well that she emotionally disturbed. She’s a problem that no one can break through, whether at home or at school.
Macy is a child of neglect, abuse and poverty. And... Macy’s writing her own book—a secret dictionary that lays out the terms of the world as SHE views and understands them.
Macy’s had to grow up quickly. Her father is in prison. Home is chaotic, and basic necessities—from food to heat to a place to sleep are always at issue. Child Protective Services removed her younger brother and would like to take Macy too. Macy is old enough to make that decision herself and she stays.
In her own voice we view Macy going through her school routine. Although a problem student, Macy is nonetheless deeply engaged—in the well-being of her best friends, Alma and George. Her mother implies her daughter has no friends. Just one of the ways she is always wrecking her daughter’s self esteem
Her blunt, no-nonsense voice lays out her most gruesome and disturbing circumstances she is forced to endure. She tells her story with an honesty that's both hilarious and fearsome.
February 7, 2018
Thank you to NetGalley for this ARC in exchange for an honest review.
I'm but a few chapters into this book and, already, I'm very impressed. I can already see this book hitting home with many of my students because it's rare to find a book that is willing to present us with a protagonist who has social and environmental cards stacked against her, as do many of my students.
Macy Cashmere describes herself (as does everyone else) as disturbed. But, her brother is in foster care, having been taken away by Child Protective Services, her mom is often with "Mr. Guests," (and magically has money once they leave), and she feeds herself with crumbs from the couch or from her teacher, Miss Black, who seems to understand her plight but doesn't seem to do much else for her.
I've had and have Macys in my class every year and their situations break my heart on a daily basis. Finally. A protagonist who I can see my students connecting with because she IS them.
Thank you for this book NoNieqa Ramos.
**UPDATE**
Now that I've finished this book, I can fully give my opinion. It does not waver from what I said above and, so, five stars for this one!
This book is so painfully real and I praise Ramos for writing this book and showing how REAL real can be. She acknowledges Gabriel Garcia Marquez (in the "Acknowledgements" section) for helping to write diverse books and Ramos has succeeded in doing just that herself.
This isn't a happily-ever-after book because life isn't always a fairytale ending. Kids like Macy don't always get that ending, and that's what I mean about Ramos giving us what's REAL.
For Macy, making friends with prostitutes, hiding from Child Protective Services, not knowing when your mother will return from the club, carrying a machete for protection, and being sexually violated are just another part of her childhood that a lot of us can't even comprehend. But, it's real. And you can't hide from that. And, as a teacher, this is what some of my kids encounter on a daily basis.
I'm unsure of how I feel about the many things the reader is left to imply but I think I get it. Because this is told through a dictionary (really a diary-like) format, we see the story from Macy's point of view. Macy doesn't necessarily understand everything going on, though she's a smart girl, and she also excludes the reader from certain private information because that's what she has to do to survive.
But, for example, I don't understand why George has to wear a helmet. I'm inclined to say it's because he has Autism of some sort but I'm not entirely sure because Macy isn't entirely sure. He reminded me quite a bit of George from Steinbeck's "Of Mice and Men"--a gentle giant who loves too much.
My heart breaks for Alma. I get the whole watching-your-siblings-thing and how much that can weigh on someone. But I was rooting for her as much as Macy. It also killed me that she talked about how education failed her when it should have saved her.
I'm not sure how I feel about Miss Black. I've never worked in an urban school, which isn't to say that I don't have students like Macy (because I do). But, I am trained to immediately reach out to my administration and social work crew when I feel that a student is being mistreated or left alone or hungry. Miss Black doesn't do this but she sure bribes Macy with quite a bit of food.
I think Alma says it best, though. When her teachers ask her what's going on and if she's okay, she lies and says everything is okay because she can't risk Child Protective Services coming to her house and separating her from all her younger siblings. CPS has always been a double-edged sword. Is it better to take a child from awful conditions and put them into a foster home? "Yes, yes of course it is!" But, when you're Alma and you have six baby siblings? It's a different story. I also don't understand how it is that Zane can be taken but Macy gets left behind with her mom. I know Macy attempts to explain it but I'm not satisfied and I know that the system is very similar to what's presented in the book.
Overall, this is not your feel-good-about-life book but it's eye-opening and sad and funny and heartfelt and leaving you wanting more.
I'm but a few chapters into this book and, already, I'm very impressed. I can already see this book hitting home with many of my students because it's rare to find a book that is willing to present us with a protagonist who has social and environmental cards stacked against her, as do many of my students.
Macy Cashmere describes herself (as does everyone else) as disturbed. But, her brother is in foster care, having been taken away by Child Protective Services, her mom is often with "Mr. Guests," (and magically has money once they leave), and she feeds herself with crumbs from the couch or from her teacher, Miss Black, who seems to understand her plight but doesn't seem to do much else for her.
I've had and have Macys in my class every year and their situations break my heart on a daily basis. Finally. A protagonist who I can see my students connecting with because she IS them.
Thank you for this book NoNieqa Ramos.
**UPDATE**
Now that I've finished this book, I can fully give my opinion. It does not waver from what I said above and, so, five stars for this one!
This book is so painfully real and I praise Ramos for writing this book and showing how REAL real can be. She acknowledges Gabriel Garcia Marquez (in the "Acknowledgements" section) for helping to write diverse books and Ramos has succeeded in doing just that herself.
This isn't a happily-ever-after book because life isn't always a fairytale ending. Kids like Macy don't always get that ending, and that's what I mean about Ramos giving us what's REAL.
For Macy, making friends with prostitutes, hiding from Child Protective Services, not knowing when your mother will return from the club, carrying a machete for protection, and being sexually violated are just another part of her childhood that a lot of us can't even comprehend. But, it's real. And you can't hide from that. And, as a teacher, this is what some of my kids encounter on a daily basis.
I'm unsure of how I feel about the many things the reader is left to imply but I think I get it. Because this is told through a dictionary (really a diary-like) format, we see the story from Macy's point of view. Macy doesn't necessarily understand everything going on, though she's a smart girl, and she also excludes the reader from certain private information because that's what she has to do to survive.
But, for example, I don't understand why George has to wear a helmet. I'm inclined to say it's because he has Autism of some sort but I'm not entirely sure because Macy isn't entirely sure. He reminded me quite a bit of George from Steinbeck's "Of Mice and Men"--a gentle giant who loves too much.
My heart breaks for Alma. I get the whole watching-your-siblings-thing and how much that can weigh on someone. But I was rooting for her as much as Macy. It also killed me that she talked about how education failed her when it should have saved her.
I'm not sure how I feel about Miss Black. I've never worked in an urban school, which isn't to say that I don't have students like Macy (because I do). But, I am trained to immediately reach out to my administration and social work crew when I feel that a student is being mistreated or left alone or hungry. Miss Black doesn't do this but she sure bribes Macy with quite a bit of food.
I think Alma says it best, though. When her teachers ask her what's going on and if she's okay, she lies and says everything is okay because she can't risk Child Protective Services coming to her house and separating her from all her younger siblings. CPS has always been a double-edged sword. Is it better to take a child from awful conditions and put them into a foster home? "Yes, yes of course it is!" But, when you're Alma and you have six baby siblings? It's a different story. I also don't understand how it is that Zane can be taken but Macy gets left behind with her mom. I know Macy attempts to explain it but I'm not satisfied and I know that the system is very similar to what's presented in the book.
Overall, this is not your feel-good-about-life book but it's eye-opening and sad and funny and heartfelt and leaving you wanting more.
January 10, 2018
I received this book from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
Swearing and spoilers to follow.
If you're here for my usual snark and 'oh dear god why did I read this book,' you may just want to move along. This is not the review you're looking for.
This book. Holy shit. This book. I just. I want to pass this book out to my students and go "Look! Literature isn't just written by white people. You don't need to just read books by dead, white men! This is Your Story! Someone understands." I want to give this book to co-workers (and senators and other politicians) and go "Look! This is REAL. Get your head out off your ass and let's actually do something good."
I will be honest - I was a little apprehensive about reading this but the summary sucked me in completely. And then I read some of the reviews on goodreads by people who did not even finish reading this book because (and here I laughed) of misspellings and other issues. People, you need smacked upside the head with a clue by four. This book is not about you and your preconceived notions of what "good" literature is. This book is about Macy and the thousands of kids who live her life. And what their definition of good literature is.
Macy is a black teenager living in the definition of a destroyed home life. Her mother is no better than prostitute and is also constantly high. Her daddy is in jail. Her little sister is dead. Her brother was taken away by CPS. Her life is a mess and so is she. She's learned the rules she needs to so that she can survive. These rules don't make sense to someone who has a stable home life, but they work for Macy.
There is nothing pretty about this book. The ending isn't tied into a neat bow and there's no happy ever after for Macy. And that's real life and that's just how it goes.
This is an intense read, but it's worth your time.
Swearing and spoilers to follow.
If you're here for my usual snark and 'oh dear god why did I read this book,' you may just want to move along. This is not the review you're looking for.
This book. Holy shit. This book. I just. I want to pass this book out to my students and go "Look! Literature isn't just written by white people. You don't need to just read books by dead, white men! This is Your Story! Someone understands." I want to give this book to co-workers (and senators and other politicians) and go "Look! This is REAL. Get your head out off your ass and let's actually do something good."
I will be honest - I was a little apprehensive about reading this but the summary sucked me in completely. And then I read some of the reviews on goodreads by people who did not even finish reading this book because (and here I laughed) of misspellings and other issues. People, you need smacked upside the head with a clue by four. This book is not about you and your preconceived notions of what "good" literature is. This book is about Macy and the thousands of kids who live her life. And what their definition of good literature is.
Macy is a black teenager living in the definition of a destroyed home life. Her mother is no better than prostitute and is also constantly high. Her daddy is in jail. Her little sister is dead. Her brother was taken away by CPS. Her life is a mess and so is she. She's learned the rules she needs to so that she can survive. These rules don't make sense to someone who has a stable home life, but they work for Macy.
There is nothing pretty about this book. The ending isn't tied into a neat bow and there's no happy ever after for Macy. And that's real life and that's just how it goes.
This is an intense read, but it's worth your time.
March 1, 2018
What just happened?!
Changed it to 5 stars because I could not stop thinking about Macy during the ~4 days it took to read this and for lines like:
"When God feels like I do - there are floods. There is fire. If God felt what I was feeling right now, the clock would explode. The windows would crack. The floor would split open." pg. 268
"No brain is made to think what I'm thinking. No heart to feel what I'm feeling. But there's nothing left to break that hasn't been broken. Nothing except me." pg. 191
Also, a young woman wields a machete her great grandmother had to use in the sugarcane fields like a warrior and I AM HERE FOR IT.
Changed it to 5 stars because I could not stop thinking about Macy during the ~4 days it took to read this and for lines like:
"When God feels like I do - there are floods. There is fire. If God felt what I was feeling right now, the clock would explode. The windows would crack. The floor would split open." pg. 268
"No brain is made to think what I'm thinking. No heart to feel what I'm feeling. But there's nothing left to break that hasn't been broken. Nothing except me." pg. 191
Also, a young woman wields a machete her great grandmother had to use in the sugarcane fields like a warrior and I AM HERE FOR IT.
November 9, 2017
Kirkus Reviews wrote: "...her voice is inimitably unique in contemporary teen literature. The heartbreaking events are almost unbearable, but the author depicts them with authenticity and empathy—even when Macy wields a machete to fix a problem." I couldn't agree more. I laughed and I cried. The Macy Cashmere character is someone I'll never forget.
Read
November 13, 2017
Protagonist Macy Cashmere MYOFB (how she writes her last name in her dictionary entries) is legitimately disturbed. Her mom is a selfish pothead with a series of "guests," her dad is in prison, and her brother has been claimed by child protective services. She's got two friends, George who also performs disturbedness, and the other, Alma, who is an achiever, taking care of half a dozen siblings and slamming the AP track in high school.
I haven't read as raw and street poetic a book as this in a long while. It might be my favorite YA of the year, even edging out The Hate U Give.
Macy grabs me right away, with this dedication:
She is living a life where parents don't care for her, and the system has let her down, but she is still say "I'm worthwhile. I'm looking out for me."
She may not be thriving in school, but she's clearly a critical thinker.
I reach into my desk. Take out History of the American People Volume 1 and clean house. Cross out all the pages about shit that's got nothing to do with me. What's left? Not much.
When confronted about her edits, she responds
"Vandalism? I'm not vandalizing any more than you. I'm just deciding which words count and which ones don't. Which words mean something and which don't. That's exactly what you do."
Soon after, she throws her desk. I moved mine into the closet when I was in school. I like Macy's method better.
Chapters are entries in Macy's dictionary. The entry for Apple begins with a definition
Noun. A apple a day keeps the doctor away. So does not having no insurance to pay him with.
Writing during lunch she goes on
If Adam offered Eve the apples from my cafeteria, she'd a been like yeah, no, thems nasty.
I just think that's so funny and real, but it's worrisome that Macy is always hungry and eats crumbs from the couch, and when her mom does bring home food it's junk like McDonald's and Doritos.
Macy is often painfully profound, like how she ends the chapter call Am with "Alma knows who I be. It's more than who I am." Or this head scratcher, "I can't even imagine tomorrow. Tomorrow is for people like Alma. I'm still somewhere between today and yesterday."
The entry for Disturbed is introduced like this
Adjective. Someone. Me.
And ends
Fuck you for sitting there. Fuck anyone for sitting anywhere. Fuck you for reading this. Don't you have better things to do?
That's real to me. It's how I felt for much of my depressed childhood as I hid myself in reading and inventing my own worlds.
I bookmarked another dozen passages, but I'll leave them for you to discover. You will love NoNieqa Ramos's writing. Her bio says she "spent her childhood on the Bronx, where she started her own publishing company and sold books for twenty-five cents until the nuns shut her down." I'm glad the nuns lost their grip on her!
December 20, 2017
I feel conflicted about this book and I put it down several times, but once I hit page 60 (see entry, "Bestie"), I was glad I gave it a chance. It was beautiful & intense & hard and reminded me of some parts of real life. There was such stylization, though, it made it hard for me to discern what was honest and what was to make a point. Even for a walk of life I've only tiptoed into, there were times that felt slightly pastiche. Regardless, it is bleak, and likely necessary.
November 14, 2020
This destroyed me. Crumpled me, twisted me, shredded me, spit me out and ran me over. Total devastation.
I loved Macy Cashmere, our narrator, main character and author of the dictionary. We follow her life as she navigates living in the hood, going to school and dealing with a broken mom in a severely broken home. She's really smart about life and she's got major grit but she's majorly stuck too.
Her writing style was a superb internal monologue and dialog with the reader that sucked me all the way in to her completely farked up life. It was hilarious, ballsey (more accurately, vajayjay-powered), full of hardcore truth, painful truth, sad truth, lots and lots of feels.
She says a lot of things that need saying. Please read it.
I loved Macy Cashmere, our narrator, main character and author of the dictionary. We follow her life as she navigates living in the hood, going to school and dealing with a broken mom in a severely broken home. She's really smart about life and she's got major grit but she's majorly stuck too.
Her writing style was a superb internal monologue and dialog with the reader that sucked me all the way in to her completely farked up life. It was hilarious, ballsey (more accurately, vajayjay-powered), full of hardcore truth, painful truth, sad truth, lots and lots of feels.
She says a lot of things that need saying. Please read it.
February 15, 2018
Picture me sitting with a slack jaw upon finishing this book as I try to grapple with everything that I've just read. I had a slow start getting in to Macy's story because she references events that haven't yet happened and I was a little confused, but thing start to come together quickly. Ramos does a masterful job of leading the reader slowly into the darkness of Macy's life. We start with problems at school and her mother's many guests and Macy's ever-present hunger. I get the picture quickly that things are not good and that Macy is a mess - although it's equally obvious that Macy is much smarter than her teachers give her credit for. You can also see that hope is not lost for her because she is inquisitive and cares deeply for her brother and Alma. But revelation by revelation we find out just how bad things are in Macy's world. One of the first scenes that showed (not told) me the state of her apartment was when Macy was cleaning it for the upcoming visit from CPS. She'd referred to the general state of the apartment but the detailed description of all the work she put into making it as presentable as possible clearly illuminated just how bad her living conditions were. We are slowly taken along as her already precarious world unravels and she is forced to deal with unfathomable situations without reprieve. Macy uses whatever skills and tools she has to try to save what she can in her life - Zach, George, herself (as an afterthought), and Alma in a horrible, Sophie's choice decision. I am blown away by this book and its impact on me. I read a lot and am usually just moving on to the next title without thinking a whole lot about what I just finished. So if I am still pondering a book days later, that's a winner. I am trying to find a way to justify including it in my middle school collection but I think it's just a little too mature to get away with it which is a shame because so many of my students would (very sadly) identify with Macy's life. And an equal number would have a window into a life different from their own but with a character with whom they can sympathize and maybe begin to have more empathy for others overall.
I have to say that despite how bleak a picture Ramos has painted here, I did not leave the book feeling depressed. I was sad for Macy and the things she had to do and endure, but mostly I was in awe of such an amazing story, told so well. I think it might be one of the most important books I've read.
Side note: Other reviewers have mentioned Macy's nonstandard English as a reason they did not finish or enjoy the book. But for those who are scared off by that, I will say that I have read many other books with way more slang and spelling differences than this one. It should not be a problem to figure out what Macy is saying since most of the language variances are simple things like using an "f" at the end of words that end with "th". So get over yourself and your insistence on a character using the Queen's English.
Read more of my reviews at www.librarydynamics.org
I have to say that despite how bleak a picture Ramos has painted here, I did not leave the book feeling depressed. I was sad for Macy and the things she had to do and endure, but mostly I was in awe of such an amazing story, told so well. I think it might be one of the most important books I've read.
Side note: Other reviewers have mentioned Macy's nonstandard English as a reason they did not finish or enjoy the book. But for those who are scared off by that, I will say that I have read many other books with way more slang and spelling differences than this one. It should not be a problem to figure out what Macy is saying since most of the language variances are simple things like using an "f" at the end of words that end with "th". So get over yourself and your insistence on a character using the Queen's English.
Read more of my reviews at www.librarydynamics.org
April 7, 2018
I was about three pages in when I started recommending this to so many people around me! I told a student (undergrad writing a research paper on students in HS with IEPs, experiences of children of color) I'd finish by that weekend to get them the book by the following class session but I couldn't. This book took me longer to finish. I would linger on a scene for days! The main character Macy, her friends, the adults in her life both at home and in school will stay with you. I wish this book were required reading for every staff member that works with children in the schools I visit. There's a lot of trauma in the characters' journey and I appreciated how real this was for me as a reader and as an educator. Besides trauma there's love and healing when you consider the role that these teens have on each other's lives. I cried over several scenes because I kept thinking about some of the students in my life. I do recommend this be read in community though, maybe book clubs or whole class sets. I do wish I had done that. Maybe I'll have that opportunity soon as I revisit it with other readers!
October 13, 2018
Do not read this if you teach in a public school, because you already know all about girls like Macy Cashmere.
I recommend this without reservations to all non-teaching adults.
TW: mental illness, addiction, f-bombs, adult situations, violence, neglect, brilliantly observed and written heartache
Chronic problem student who harasses teachers for mental exercise or staunch defender of all the weaker kids? You won't be surprised that Macy's both. But you will be fluffin' impressed at Macy's wit, warmth and ingenuity.
It's a cruel world. Keep your imagination sharp.
I recommend this without reservations to all non-teaching adults.
TW: mental illness, addiction, f-bombs, adult situations, violence, neglect, brilliantly observed and written heartache
Read
January 31, 2018This starts as almost a comedy. It's not that Macy's life is particularly funny but she has an interesting way of viewing the world and she has this spirit that refuses to be defeated. (Even though her brother has been taken by CPS and her mom veers between neglectful and abusive; even though she only has two friends; even though even though even though.)
Then things take a dark turn and this book goes from heroic to heartbreaking.
This is a book that will stay with me and Macy is a character I will never forget.
Highly recommended but go in emotionally prepared.
Then things take a dark turn and this book goes from heroic to heartbreaking.
This is a book that will stay with me and Macy is a character I will never forget.
Highly recommended but go in emotionally prepared.
April 22, 2018
Macy Cashmere...I love you! With all my heart and soul. I love you because you are straight-forward. I love you because you don't know how lovable you are. I love you because you fight for what is right. I love you because of Shakesbeer. The world needs more Macy Cashmeres and you are NOT stupit.
Macy, you have my heart...
Mrs. Ramos - thank you for writing an incredible book. I am a ferocious and very picky reader. This story had me sucked in from the beginning. It had me laugh, it had me cry, it turned me inside and out. Macy will stay with me for a very long time...
Macy, you have my heart...
Mrs. Ramos - thank you for writing an incredible book. I am a ferocious and very picky reader. This story had me sucked in from the beginning. It had me laugh, it had me cry, it turned me inside and out. Macy will stay with me for a very long time...
April 19, 2023
Move over, Holden Caulfield. You've just been left in the dust by Macy Cashmere,the newest, most extraordinary voice of adolescent rage and longing in American literature. She's a nihilist, a poet and she's writing her own dictionary. School is her bane and her refuge from a father in prison, a crackhead mom and a baby brother in foster care. She carries her abuela's machete and isn't afraid to use it. Is she trouble? You better believe it, and you will find yourself applauding every devastating observation she makes. Double those stars, please, for this one
January 21, 2018
Macy's story broke my heart. I think this will be a book students will read and recommend to their friends.
Read
May 9, 2018This very voice-driven novel follows Macy as she navigates her own tumultuous home life -- one with an inconsistent mother, a father in prison, and a younger brother in the foster care system because of repeat CPS visits -- with understanding why it is her best friend has been pulling away from her. Her best friend, as it turns out, has been battling her own home life demons, too. Which is really the overarching exploration here: these are teens living hard, hard lives and still managing to get up every day and go through the motions, much as it leaves an impact on them physically, emotionally, and psychologically.
Macy is, as the title suggests, struggling with mental illness as well, likely brought on by her own life experiences. The actions she takes are raw and terrible to read, but they're vulnerable and done because of desperation.
The book is set up as Macy's diary, written like a dictionary to her life. The style works wonderfully for letting Macy's voice come out as it's meant to. The language here is not polished nor perfect, but it's Macy expressing herself as Macy needs to express herself.
This book would be great for fans of Tiffany D. Jackson, particularly MONDAY'S NOT COMING. This is about girls of color, about pain, and about how that pain they experience is so often ignored or overlooked.
Macy's lucky, though -- she's got some great people in her corner, even when she feels like she doesn't. By at the end, she knows she does.
Macy is, as the title suggests, struggling with mental illness as well, likely brought on by her own life experiences. The actions she takes are raw and terrible to read, but they're vulnerable and done because of desperation.
The book is set up as Macy's diary, written like a dictionary to her life. The style works wonderfully for letting Macy's voice come out as it's meant to. The language here is not polished nor perfect, but it's Macy expressing herself as Macy needs to express herself.
This book would be great for fans of Tiffany D. Jackson, particularly MONDAY'S NOT COMING. This is about girls of color, about pain, and about how that pain they experience is so often ignored or overlooked.
Macy's lucky, though -- she's got some great people in her corner, even when she feels like she doesn't. By at the end, she knows she does.
December 27, 2020
*please check content warnings for this one!*
I have so many thoughts on this book yet have no idea how to articulate them. Going into this, I skim read the summary and kind of expected a light-hearted, teen-angst filled coming-of-age story. While that did ring half true, I wasn’t prepared for how utterly sad this book truly would be. I’m still thinking about it, and it’ll be a YA book I’ll recommend forever.
The characters in this book, first and foremost, were amazing. I couldn’t help but root for Macy endlessly. She was such a strong and fiery protagonist I couldn’t help but love her. I’ve never read about such a complex young adult before. She’s by no means perfect, but I have a complete soft spot for her. Alongside this, her friends were absolutely golden. I just wanted to wrap the three of them up in a blanket and protect them.
This book felt so authentic. It dealt with poverty, abuse, the prison and childcare systems, racism, mental illness and learning disability. And an amazing protagonist trying to juggle it all. I don’t really have words. It was fast paced, it was intriguing, it kept me wanting to read more. I loved the format as well, with Macy keeping this ‘dictionary’ and her talking to the reader every so often. I could’ve read this forever. It broke my heart as well, I feel so attached to the story.
This is my second book by Ramos, and will not be me last.
I have so many thoughts on this book yet have no idea how to articulate them. Going into this, I skim read the summary and kind of expected a light-hearted, teen-angst filled coming-of-age story. While that did ring half true, I wasn’t prepared for how utterly sad this book truly would be. I’m still thinking about it, and it’ll be a YA book I’ll recommend forever.
The characters in this book, first and foremost, were amazing. I couldn’t help but root for Macy endlessly. She was such a strong and fiery protagonist I couldn’t help but love her. I’ve never read about such a complex young adult before. She’s by no means perfect, but I have a complete soft spot for her. Alongside this, her friends were absolutely golden. I just wanted to wrap the three of them up in a blanket and protect them.
This book felt so authentic. It dealt with poverty, abuse, the prison and childcare systems, racism, mental illness and learning disability. And an amazing protagonist trying to juggle it all. I don’t really have words. It was fast paced, it was intriguing, it kept me wanting to read more. I loved the format as well, with Macy keeping this ‘dictionary’ and her talking to the reader every so often. I could’ve read this forever. It broke my heart as well, I feel so attached to the story.
This is my second book by Ramos, and will not be me last.
February 16, 2018
This book is going to stick in my mind for awhile. It provided an interesting perspective into a life of someone suffering from emotional disturbances. I also liked the dictionary motif. This made the book even more unique.
I was truly shocked when Macy’s friend Alma’s life shatters completely and Macy scars Alma’s face on purpose with her machete.
My favorite character was Mrs. Black, because I aspire to be the teacher she was in Macy’s life. I now see the lives of my students through a new lens. I never would have thought that there was the potential that the lives of my students outside of school could be similar to Macy’s story. I see now why some of my students act the way they do in class, and this book really opened my eyes to that.
(I could have done without the murdering of a dog and a dog being brutally thrown out the window. Those parts were not necessary for the plot, and it made me extremely upset.)
I was truly shocked when Macy’s friend Alma’s life shatters completely and Macy scars Alma’s face on purpose with her machete.
My favorite character was Mrs. Black, because I aspire to be the teacher she was in Macy’s life. I now see the lives of my students through a new lens. I never would have thought that there was the potential that the lives of my students outside of school could be similar to Macy’s story. I see now why some of my students act the way they do in class, and this book really opened my eyes to that.
(I could have done without the murdering of a dog and a dog being brutally thrown out the window. Those parts were not necessary for the plot, and it made me extremely upset.)
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 4, 2018
Still currently reading but just had to put in my two cents in regards to people “rating” this novel. I’m just wondering if any of these readers have been teachers in an inner city school or if any readers (who gave low ratings to this novel) have ever come in contact with children (yes, children) who behave this way? Life in an urban setting is very scary and this character has (not acclimated to) but grown up in this setting. Thus the manner of writing reflects the character’s environment. Seems like it’s easy to judge when you’ve never experienced this environment, but so far I’m impressed with the accuracy and the overall character development.
*edited to 5 stars upon finishing*
*edited to 5 stars upon finishing*
February 18, 2018
This book. Wow. As a teacher who spent 11 years in a now title 1 mostly Hispanic school, I feel like I have taught a version of both Macy and Alma. This book is so raw, tragic, and real. As a teacher, it has been such a reminder that the students we teach are HUMAN and UNIQUE. And we are not just teaching them our subject. We are teaching individual CHILDREN. And their lives are not all neat and tidy. In fact, we may never know how truly messy they are. I’m at a loss for words....This book will stay with me for a long time.
June 28, 2020
Wholly unlike anything I've read before, this novel is formatted as the personal dictionary of Macy Cashmere, a tougher-than-nails teenage girl whose narration could be difficult for me to follow simply because it tells the story of an experience so foreign to my own. Absolutely gut-wrenching and unique.
December 13, 2017
Almost anything terrible that can happen will happen (even if offscreen) in this book. Kidnapping? Prostitution? Dead babies? Foster care? Shootings? Parlorless piercings? Sexual Assault? Starvation?
AND MORE. A little overdramatic, but great for fans of truuuuue diary fiction like Go Ask Alice.
AND MORE. A little overdramatic, but great for fans of truuuuue diary fiction like Go Ask Alice.
February 2, 2018
4 out of 5 stars
"We like two hands of the same clock. Always connected. Sometimes in our own space, but we always meet. Nothing without each other. At least I'm nothing without her."
Macy Cashmere (last name: MYOFB) is as "at-risk" youth as they come-- She's a racial minority, lives in poverty, comes from a very broken home, and is living with an emotional behavioral disorder (or 'disturbed' as she and others term it). With the cards stacked against her, Macy's every day life is just a series of endure and survive and carry on.
When we meet Macy, she has many things intertwining together that are causing her life to become complicated. Macy's younger brother, whom she adores, has been removed from the home by CPS, her father is incarcerated, her mother has no intentions of changing her lifestyle to better care for her child/children, and her best friend, Alma, who means the world to her (see quote above), is no longer speaking to her. What more could go wrong?!
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
This novel is written in a very interesting style and format. Written as a dictionary, Macy titles each entry with a word that means something to her life and journey. The grammar, spelling, slang-usage, and over-all vernacular match that of an adolescent living in poverty with a whole lot of grit and sass. This was very hard to get used to in the beginning, but I quickly adjusted and really admire the way that this showcases Macy's personality.
And yall... her personality is HILARIOUS....
"A bafroom stall? That's nasty. Aint you never heard of McDonald's?"
And FIERCE...
"I stand there in my circle. But I'm not just a planet. I'm a star. I'm the sun and I burn like hell. Everybody needs me to shine, but I don't need them for nothing. I can look down on them but they can't look me in the eye. I burn. I burn because I'm mad. I'm mad enough to shine for the next zillion years. And you need me too. Love don't make this world go round. I do."
Macy is fierce, loyal, fearless, and headstrong. This girl has endured so many things during her short life that many could not even imagine. She has been forced to grow up in ways that a high school age student should not have to be experiencing already. Her heart beats for her younger brother and it is ripping her apart from the inside to know he is no longer with their family (and her mother does not seem to care). And this child's loyalty to her friends is so strong and admirable--even if she shows it in atypical ways sometimes.
I loved that in the acknowledgements of this novel, Ramos states "Thank you, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, for rescuing me from the Dead White Men's Literary canon, for awakening the voices and cultivating the soil for future works. Everyone needs diverse books, and we need them written by diverse writers now and forever." This was such a powerful statement and she did such a beautiful job of representing diversity and representing the underrepresented in this novel. We see racial diversity and witness Macy endure racial discrimination. We see poverty. We see incarceration and how the CPS system both breaks families and restores lives. Obviously mental illness is a huge player in this game and I really enjoyed some of snide remarks that Ramos sneaks into Macy's dialogue that are so very real and 'disturbing' in themselves--- "I guess here in suburbia, Asperger's is in style. Obviously having a emotionally disturbed kid ain't."
And there was possibly even some diversity in the form of LGBQT(??). As I was reading, I got the sense many times that Macy was experiencing some revelations in her own sexual identity. There are a lot of outside factors (especially ones involving men) that shape the way that she acts toward her own body and men, but I felt like there was some internal transformations occurring as well. Maybe I am wrong... let me know your thoughts in the comments if you have read this title! I would love to know what you think. But there were definitely some small moments where the author shed light on some of the injustices that are seen with adolescents from the LGBQT population.
"A fifty-year-old woman who's written up kids we all know for bringing their mom's cocaine to school, stabbing someone in the eye with a pencil, giving five-dollar hand jobs in the parking lot, could not write up two girls in the restroom because she thought we were lesbians.
That was too much for her."
If you read my blog, reviews, or know me in person, you probably already know that my heart and career are centered around working with middle school age students with emotional disabilities. This population often overlaps with minorities in both race and income, and I have had many students come through my classroom door that were part of the foster care (or group home) system. What I loved the most about this novel was that I could see the harsh realities and raw realism that was portrayed through Macy. I saw so many of my former students in her personality and the things she has overcome. Macy's story was not the first time that I have seen a child hate 3-day weekends because it meant that they had one extra day of not knowing where their next meal would come from or love school because they had heat, a roof over their head, and felt safe.
I recommend this book to ANYONE... However, if you are an educator or work with at-risk youth in any way, this is a must read! Macy's voice is so realistic. She jumps off the page and slaps you in the face with a little dose of reality, which is something we all need in order to be able to fully understand the adolescents that we work with. You can gain so much insight from Macy and start to develop an understanding for the 'why's' for how she, as well as other students, may behave the way that they do.
Trigger Warning(s): There are references (only) to sexual assault/rape.
Thank you to the author, publisher, and NetGalley for providing me with a advanced DRC of this title in exchange for an honest review!
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April 17, 2020
For those that missed it, the book begins with a critique of Macy's Individualized Education Plan. Historically, children of color have been disproportionately shuttled or designated as miscreant or mentally ill or disabled, rather than having their physiological, social, and psychologically needs fully recognized or addressed. Deconstruction of power structures follow, not by the typical protagonist who is somehow a small adult wise beyond their years, but by the supposedly "disturbed" Macy Cashmere. She defies a teacher's attempt to define her narrative on the first pages. Later, colonized literature is deconstructed in the chapter on the book club. Macy makes many observations and societal critiques throughout the book about sexism and misogyny. For those that missed it the message here seems clear; we are not honoring the narratives of the marginalized when we choose which ones we want to accept.
When a foster enters a home, they are dealing with endings and beginnings. The ending of their previous trauma, neglect, and abuse, the endings of relationships with friends and family who were complicit and the ending of relationships with friends and family who they held dear but from they are now separated. Macy is how they arrive, survivors despite circumstances most of us cannot fathom. What is interesting in this book, is that Macy's marginalized cultural status is never mentioned except when she triumphantly raises her machete against sexist comments, imagining herself the Taino chief Agueybana. This I believe is intentional and a clear message that Macy, despite all odds, despite her circumstances, despite the systems that would oppress her, will survive.
When a foster enters a home, they are dealing with endings and beginnings. The ending of their previous trauma, neglect, and abuse, the endings of relationships with friends and family who were complicit and the ending of relationships with friends and family who they held dear but from they are now separated. Macy is how they arrive, survivors despite circumstances most of us cannot fathom. What is interesting in this book, is that Macy's marginalized cultural status is never mentioned except when she triumphantly raises her machete against sexist comments, imagining herself the Taino chief Agueybana. This I believe is intentional and a clear message that Macy, despite all odds, despite her circumstances, despite the systems that would oppress her, will survive.
February 9, 2018
The school was able to get an early release of the book. This young adult novel has the universal endorsement of every student in our school. Student Daj’a White said, “I really feel like this is a great book because it speaks the truth and also makes me think about myself.” Student Shane said, "I really love the book. It speaks to me." Student Claude said, "Her book teaches me to resist the flow and do something great." http://tcshighschool.org/conversation...#
February 19, 2018
This book. I can’t even. When I posted that I had just finished an amazing and beautiful book that was going to stay with me long after I finished it - THIS WAS THE BOOK!! That is the author’s debut is incredible to me and I cannot wait to see what she comes up with next! The only other fictional character that has hit me this hard and wormed her way into my heart was Bullet from the award winning series The Killing played by the phenomenally talented Bex Taylor-Klaus. Why have Bullet, and now Macy Cashmere have had such an impact on me? Because not only did their creators make them come to life in beautiful and vivid ways, but because both of these girls have come through my classroom. These are MY kids! The ones who need a little extra love. The ones who will test my patience to the breaking point. The ones who refuse to be broken. The ones who still have hope no matter what obstacle you put in front of them. That is Macy Cashmere and that is why I love her. Macy’s life sucks - there are no two ways around it. She has endured things I could never imagine. Life is a daily struggle for survival. Her father is in prison and her mother, who gave birth to Macy when she was 15 and in prison herself, has no idea how to be a mother. The only way her mother knows how to survive is to find a man to take care of her, of course that situation always comes with a price. A price that Macy refuses to pay. It seems that macy is the only one who cares about getting her younger brother Zane back from the CPS workers who “kidnapped” him. When Macy’s BFF, Alma, stops talking to her Macy begins to keep a dictionary of her life. She is not happy that we are reading her dictionary as she reminds her “Dear Reader” that she will kick your ass for stealing her dictionary! I love that Macy talks directly to the reader throughout the book. Her observations are often caustic and darkly humorous. Despite the fact that Macy has been given every label a person can be given - emotionally disturbed, learning disabled, and ADD to name a few - she is far more intelligent, loyal, and caring than anyone gives her credit for. While Macy’s mother has done absolutely nothing to earn her daughter’s love Macy loves and protects her nonetheless. When Alma finds herself in a heap of trouble Macy knows that as her best friend it is up to her to save Alma from a life of misery. I have read that some readers did not connect with this book because of Macy’s dialect and that is a shame. Macy is a product of her environment and a school system that has failed her in so many ways, she’s not going to be speaking the Queen’s English! Macy would not be as authentic a character if she did not speak the way she does. It is her dialect that brings her to life and makes her tangible! It was her voice I heard in my head as I read and not mine. Anyone who can’t figure out what Macy is trying to tell them just isn’t listening hard enough! This book will have you laughing at Macy’s dark sarcasm through the first two thirds and sobbing through the last. When I was done reading I sat for 10 minutes, with tears streaming down my face, just absorbing the story of Macy Cashmere.
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