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房思琪的初戀樂園
小小的房思琪住在金碧輝煌的人生裡，她的臉和她可以想像的將來一樣漂亮。補習班國文名師李國華是同一棟高級住宅的鄰居。崇拜文學的小房思琪同樣崇拜飽讀詩書的李老師。
有一天李老師說，妳的程度這麼好，不如每個禮拜交一篇作文給我吧，不收妳周點費。思琪聽話地下樓了。老師在家裡等她，桌上沒有紙筆。
思琪的初戀是李老師。因為李老師把她翻面，把他的東西塞進去。那年的教師節思琪才十三歲，這個世界和她原本認識的不一樣。
如果這是愛情，為什麼覺得暴力？為什麼覺得被折斷？為什麼老師要一個女學生換過一個女學生？如果這不是愛情，那滿口學問的李老師怎麼能做了以後，還這麼自信、無疑、無愧於心？
有一天李老師說，妳的程度這麼好，不如每個禮拜交一篇作文給我吧，不收妳周點費。思琪聽話地下樓了。老師在家裡等她，桌上沒有紙筆。
思琪的初戀是李老師。因為李老師把她翻面，把他的東西塞進去。那年的教師節思琪才十三歲，這個世界和她原本認識的不一樣。
如果這是愛情，為什麼覺得暴力？為什麼覺得被折斷？為什麼老師要一個女學生換過一個女學生？如果這不是愛情，那滿口學問的李老師怎麼能做了以後，還這麼自信、無疑、無愧於心？
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First published February 7, 2017
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June 8, 2024
In a Nutshell: A darkly tragic story based on true events in Taiwan. TRIGGERS GALORE! Not for everyone, but if you can handle details of graphic sexual abuse and a slightly meandering writing style, do give this compelling story a try. This is the first time ever I have hated and loved a book at the same time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Plot Preview:
I am not comfortable reading books about sexual abuse, especially when children are involved. But when I saw the blurb calling this “the most influential book of Taiwan’s #MeToo movement”, I knew I would give it a go. It has not been comfortable reading at all! I have had to force myself to pick this book up after keeping it aside readily when the going became tough. The only external force that ensured my completion was the fact that this book is based on a true story, and I wanted to extend my solidarity to the writer, though she’ll never know about this.
Author Lin Yi-Han died by suicide a few months after the publication of her first and only novel. Only after her death came the news that she had based this book on her own experiences of sexual assault by a cram school teacher many decades her senior. Yi-Han was only 26 when she died, and had been suffering from depression since many years. Perhaps she had penned this novel as some kind of cathartic endeavour, but it wasn’t enough. Such a tragic end to a young life!
Initially, I thought that this book would be like a Taiwanese version of the famous Korean feminist work, 'Kim Ji-Young, Born 1982', but it turned out to be much, much darker. The only commonality between the two books is that they were huge hits in their home countries and led to major discussions about gender discrimination and abuse. But compared to the ghastliness of this book, Kim Ji-Young feels like a YA work.
Goodreads suggests ratings based on our enjoyment of a book, with 1 star indicating “I did not like it” and 5 stars for “It was amazing!” In that sense, this book deserves 1 star because I did not *like* this book at all. A majority of the characters and the situations are frustrating. The sexual abuse scenes are terribly graphic. In fact, these sequences make us feel like we are right there witnessing the assault, probably even living it, because the words ring so authentic! There’s no smoothening of feelings or brushing aside of violations. Every single part of the abuse is detailed out without censorship. This obviously means that the book is not for the fainthearted. I jumped over the more graphic scenes after a while because I couldn’t handle the content. It has taken all within me to push myself to the finish line.
At the same time, the book also earns the full rating. The intricate characterisation, the stark honesty in the writing, the metaphorical approach to the mundane, and the painful plot - all promise a literary experience beyond measure. An interesting feature of the novel lies in its choice of characters. Unlike usual stories of abuse, the victims (yes, plural) in this book aren’t from poor families or from relatively ignorant or illiterate backgrounds. Rather, Si-Chi belongs to a wealthy family, and lives a privileged life with quality education. Her fascination for classical literature is painfully misused by the perpetrator, who twists words to suit his own narrative.
What makes this book tougher to handle is the complex exploration of the young girl's feelings after she is raped and abused by a trusted adult. The clue to her coping mechanism lies in that strangely happy title: “first love paradise.” She turns the unpalatable truth into a version she can tolerate. One feels helpless seeing her handle the abuse this way. Anyone who picks this up merely by title or cover is bound to have a shock as the plot isn’t a “paradise” at all, with themes such as gaslighting, gender discrimination, rape, child abuse, sexual violence, trauma, mental health issues, grooming, victim shaming, miscarriage, and domestic abuse.
Some chapters are written from the assailant’s point of view, and needless to say, these are the most infuriating as his disgusting thinking reveals itself without guilt. Then again, it wouldn’t be right to say that this man is the main villain of the story. The crime belongs almost as much to those who knew of such shenanigans and chose either to turn a blind eye or to slut-shame the victim.
The content itself isn’t a smooth ride, but there are a few further hurdles my way. There were too many characters at the start, and it took some time to get acquainted with them, though the going got easier once the character identities were settled. Moreover, the language was a bit awkward at times. This book was originally written in Mandarin in 2017, so I am not sure if the odd metaphors were straight from the original writing or a translation issue. But the back-and-forth jump across timelines and the slight stream-of-consciousness style added to the complicatedness of the reading.
This is my first Taiwanese novel, and it has been an odd experience combining enlightenment with exasperation. Despite the somewhat dissatisfactory and highly uncomfortable reading experience, there’s no way I will not recommend the book. It is not easy to read, but it still tells a story that must be heard. Not all victim stories go the same way, and this book spotlights this hidden bitter truth.
Recommended to lit fic fans and readers of gut-wrenching true-life narratives who can tolerate graphic paedophilic scenes. If you want a story that has hope in any measure, stay away from this work. This is disturbing almost all the way.
3.75 stars.
My thanks to HarperVia and NetGalley for the DRC of “Fang Si-Chi's First Love Paradise”. This review is voluntary and contains my honest opinion about the book.
Read the author’s tragic story here:
https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Connect with me through:
My Blog || The StoryGraph || Instagram || X/Twitter || Facebook ||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Plot Preview:
Liu Yi-Ting and Fang Si-Chi are thirteen-year-old best friends, coming from well-to-do families, living in the same apartment complex, studying in the same school, and fond of the Russian classics. The first difference is that Yi-Ting is somewhat plain while Si-Chi is stunning. The second difference comes out only some years later, when Yi-Ting learns that Si-Chi has gone through something earth-shattering in the last five years, a fact that is revealed by Si-Chi’s journals only after she loses her mental stability. What happened to her in the interim?
The story comes to us in the third person perspective of various characters.
I am not comfortable reading books about sexual abuse, especially when children are involved. But when I saw the blurb calling this “the most influential book of Taiwan’s #MeToo movement”, I knew I would give it a go. It has not been comfortable reading at all! I have had to force myself to pick this book up after keeping it aside readily when the going became tough. The only external force that ensured my completion was the fact that this book is based on a true story, and I wanted to extend my solidarity to the writer, though she’ll never know about this.
Author Lin Yi-Han died by suicide a few months after the publication of her first and only novel. Only after her death came the news that she had based this book on her own experiences of sexual assault by a cram school teacher many decades her senior. Yi-Han was only 26 when she died, and had been suffering from depression since many years. Perhaps she had penned this novel as some kind of cathartic endeavour, but it wasn’t enough. Such a tragic end to a young life!
Initially, I thought that this book would be like a Taiwanese version of the famous Korean feminist work, 'Kim Ji-Young, Born 1982', but it turned out to be much, much darker. The only commonality between the two books is that they were huge hits in their home countries and led to major discussions about gender discrimination and abuse. But compared to the ghastliness of this book, Kim Ji-Young feels like a YA work.
Goodreads suggests ratings based on our enjoyment of a book, with 1 star indicating “I did not like it” and 5 stars for “It was amazing!” In that sense, this book deserves 1 star because I did not *like* this book at all. A majority of the characters and the situations are frustrating. The sexual abuse scenes are terribly graphic. In fact, these sequences make us feel like we are right there witnessing the assault, probably even living it, because the words ring so authentic! There’s no smoothening of feelings or brushing aside of violations. Every single part of the abuse is detailed out without censorship. This obviously means that the book is not for the fainthearted. I jumped over the more graphic scenes after a while because I couldn’t handle the content. It has taken all within me to push myself to the finish line.
At the same time, the book also earns the full rating. The intricate characterisation, the stark honesty in the writing, the metaphorical approach to the mundane, and the painful plot - all promise a literary experience beyond measure. An interesting feature of the novel lies in its choice of characters. Unlike usual stories of abuse, the victims (yes, plural) in this book aren’t from poor families or from relatively ignorant or illiterate backgrounds. Rather, Si-Chi belongs to a wealthy family, and lives a privileged life with quality education. Her fascination for classical literature is painfully misused by the perpetrator, who twists words to suit his own narrative.
What makes this book tougher to handle is the complex exploration of the young girl's feelings after she is raped and abused by a trusted adult. The clue to her coping mechanism lies in that strangely happy title: “first love paradise.” She turns the unpalatable truth into a version she can tolerate. One feels helpless seeing her handle the abuse this way. Anyone who picks this up merely by title or cover is bound to have a shock as the plot isn’t a “paradise” at all, with themes such as gaslighting, gender discrimination, rape, child abuse, sexual violence, trauma, mental health issues, grooming, victim shaming, miscarriage, and domestic abuse.
Some chapters are written from the assailant’s point of view, and needless to say, these are the most infuriating as his disgusting thinking reveals itself without guilt. Then again, it wouldn’t be right to say that this man is the main villain of the story. The crime belongs almost as much to those who knew of such shenanigans and chose either to turn a blind eye or to slut-shame the victim.
The content itself isn’t a smooth ride, but there are a few further hurdles my way. There were too many characters at the start, and it took some time to get acquainted with them, though the going got easier once the character identities were settled. Moreover, the language was a bit awkward at times. This book was originally written in Mandarin in 2017, so I am not sure if the odd metaphors were straight from the original writing or a translation issue. But the back-and-forth jump across timelines and the slight stream-of-consciousness style added to the complicatedness of the reading.
This is my first Taiwanese novel, and it has been an odd experience combining enlightenment with exasperation. Despite the somewhat dissatisfactory and highly uncomfortable reading experience, there’s no way I will not recommend the book. It is not easy to read, but it still tells a story that must be heard. Not all victim stories go the same way, and this book spotlights this hidden bitter truth.
Recommended to lit fic fans and readers of gut-wrenching true-life narratives who can tolerate graphic paedophilic scenes. If you want a story that has hope in any measure, stay away from this work. This is disturbing almost all the way.
3.75 stars.
My thanks to HarperVia and NetGalley for the DRC of “Fang Si-Chi's First Love Paradise”. This review is voluntary and contains my honest opinion about the book.
Read the author’s tragic story here:
https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Connect with me through:
My Blog || The StoryGraph || Instagram || X/Twitter || Facebook ||
February 19, 2026
Con người chỉ được sống một lần duy nhất, nhưng cũng có thể sẽ phải chết nhiều lần.
Mình thích cách Lin Yi-Han đặt tên cho từng chương và xây dựng bối cảnh cuốn sách của cô ấy. Chúng ta không thể nào xác định đâu mới là "thiên đường" thật sự, nhưng đối với hai cô nữ sinh 13 tuổi Phòng Tư Kỳ và người bạn song sinh tâm hồn của cô bé, Lưu Di Đình, khoảng thời gian tìm đến gặp gỡ người chị Ý Văn sống cùng tòa nhà sang trọng ở Cao Hùng của họ, cùng niềm đam mê say mê vẻ đẹp văn chương mãnh liệt của các cô gái đã tạo nên một thiên đường thật sự - một thiên đường ngây thơ và thuần khiết nhất. Nhưng sự ngây thơ ấy bị lợi dụng và vấy bẩn bởi người giáo viên đáng lẽ phải dùng tri thức để xây dựng và dạy dỗ một con người như Lý Quốc Hoa, thì gã lại dùng nó dụ dỗ và lạm dụng Tư Kỳ, đến mức cô bé chẳng còn gì ngoài một cái xác không hồn.
Lin Yi-han cho biết rằng cuốn sách của cô ấy là một câu chuyện có thật; nó không chỉ là câu chuyện phơi bày tội ác thông thường vể việc nạn nhân bị lạm dụng, mà cuốn sách còn phơi bày mọi mặt tối đầy giả dối của xã hội coi trọng tri thức và vẻ bề ngoài mà phớt lờ đi nỗi đau và sự sụp đổ bên trong tâm hồn.
Giờ đây, khi bước vào năm cuối cấp ba và sắp bước sang tuổi mười tám, Tư Kỳ cảm thấy tê liệt, như thể nàng chưa hề trưởng thành. Sinh nhật không phải là sự kiện kỳ diệu đảm bảo sự trưởng thành, nhưng nàng biết mình sẽ không bao giờ lớn lên nữa. Ngay cả khi nàng trút hết nỗi lo lắng vào một hố đen rộng lớn, nó vẫn sẽ phát ra một loạt tiếng ợ hỗn loạn. Và hơn nữa, hố đen đó lại ở bên trong nàng. Mọi người đều nói nàng quá xanh xao, xanh xao như tượng thạch cao. Nàng thường tưởng tượng một đôi tay thò vào bụng mình, quẹt diêm, và dòng chữ duy nhất trên thàn bụng nàng là lời thầy nàng đã dạy: "Tác phẩm điêu khắc được tạo ra từ sự hủy diệt."
Một cô gái trẻ xinh đẹp và học giỏi như Tư Kỳ được dạy dỗ nghiêm khắc rằng phải biết kiên nhẫn và làm hài lòng người khác. Những quy chuẩn đó khiến Tư Kỳ trở thành con mồi hoàn hảo với gã thầy Lý. Tư Kỳ còn quá trẻ và đầy kêu ngạo để thừa nhận bản thân là nạn nhân bị lạm dụng, cô bé đã chọn tin vào tình yêu đầu - văn chương. Việc mù quáng tin vào văn chương, nên Tư Kỳ chọn thẩm mỹ hóa nỗi đau của mình và giải thích hành động của thầy Lý là tình yêu, nếu không là tình yêu thì nỗi đau của Tư Kỳ thật tầm thường và thấp hèn. Tư Kỳ còn chọn bi kịch nỗi đau để nâng tầm và giữ lại chút lòng tự trọng cuối cùng, nhưng kết quả là thể xác và linh hồn của cô bé bị chà đạp không thương tiếc. Tư Kỳ đã trở thành một quả sung đầy mật ngọt, kết trái quá nhanh mà chẳng kịp đơm hoa, để rồi bên trong quả sung ấy thối nát trên tay của Lý Quốc Hoa - gã thưởng thức nó mà chẳng quan tâm mùi vị nó thế nào.
Đôi khi, khi Lý Quốc Hoa nhìn xuống bản thân trong phòng tắm của căn hộ nhỏ bí mật, gã lại nghĩ về Phòng Tư Kỳ. Gã nghĩ về con người thận trọng nhưng liều lĩnh, tươi sáng nhưng kiêu ngạo của mình, tất cả đều nằm trong Tư Kỳ. Và Tư Kỳ, bị gã trói buộc và kéo trở lại với vốn từ vựng của trẻ mẫu giáo, những bí mật, con người của gã không thể thoát ra khỏi miệng Tư Kỳ; chúng bị khóa chặt trong cơ thể nàng. Ngay cả đến phút cuối cùng, nàng vẫn tin rằng gã yêu nàng. Đó là sức nặng của lời nói. Hồi còn dạy trung học, gã đã rơi nước mắt khi khuyên răn một học sinh ngược đãi động vật. Học sinh đó đã đổ dầu lên một con chuột và châm lửa đốt. Khi kể cho học sinh nghe, gã cũng suýt khóc. Nhưng trong tâm trí, gã tự động tưởng tượng con chuột đang cháy mà vút bay tựa như ngôi sao băng, như lá vàng, như ánh đèn sân khấu. Đúng là một kiệt tác xinh đẹp! Giống như cảm hứng, thứ mà ta không thể ép buộc. Và giống như cảm hứng thơ ca, những gì ta chưa viết, hay ta không thể viết luôn là hay nhất. Trong lúc tắm, khi những sợi lông mu của gã xoáy vào lớp bọt trắng lấp lánh, Lý Quốc Hoa quên mất Tư Kỳ. Trước khi bước ra khỏi phòng tắm, gã lặng lẽ đọc lại tên cô gái đang ở trong phòng ngủ ba lần. Gã là một người lịch sự; hơn hai mươi năm nay, gã chưa bao giờ phát âm sai tên ai.
Mình đánh giá rất cao tài năng và công sức của Yi-han khi tác giả thành công xây dưng nhân vật phản diện méo mó như Lý Quốc Hoa, cả đoạn trích trên cũng chẳng khiến mình miêu tả hết sự vô nhân tính và đốn mạt đến cùng cực của gã thầy giáo này. Lý Quốc Hoa thối nát và già cõi từ bên trong lẫn bên ngoài, gã chẳng có gì ngoài sự rỗng toát cùng tâm hồn đã thối rữa mà nhân danh giáo dục và những thứ mỹ miều, tráng lệ để lấp đầy nó. Nhưng thầy Lý đã khiến mình rợn người vì sự thông minh trơ trẽn của gã trong cách gã tìm kiếm và "săn mồi" nạn nhân.
Gã cảm thấy xã hội cấm kỵ tình dục quá tiện lợi, cưỡng hiếp một cô gái, cả thế giới cho rằng đó là lỗi của chính nàng, ngay cả bản thân nàng cũng cảm thấy đó là lỗi của mình. Cảm giác tội lỗi sẽ đưa nàng trở lại bên gã một lần nữa.
Thầy Lý hiểu cách xã hội vận hành, gã nhìn thấu cách mà học sinh tin tưởng và kỳ vọng vào gã, biết cái bẫy tri thức mà gã giăng ra sẽ khiến cho những vị phụ huynh mang quá nhiều kỳ vọng mà đưa con mình vào đó. Sự vô đạo đức và tởm lợm của thầy Lý còn nằm ở cách gã không ngừng trêu đùa và thưởng thức con mồi, gã đeo lên lớp mặt nạ lịch thiệp và tri thức rồi trao cho nạn nhân quyền kiểm soát - rồi lại tước đoạt và giam cầm, lột trần và chà đạp nhân phẩm họ không thương tiếc mà vẫn tự luyến, ca tụng bản thân kể cả khi có người chết "vì" gã.
Tư Kỳ nói: "Tại sao thế giới lại như thế này? Tại sao cái gọi là lễ nghi lại có nghĩa là những người đau khổ phải im lặng? Tại sao những kẻ đánh người lại được lên TV và bảng quảng cáo? Chị ơi, em rất thất vọng, nhưng không phải thất vọng về chị. Thế giới này, hay cuộc sống, số phận, hay Thượng đế, hay bất cứ thứ gì chị gọi nó, đều thật tồi tệ. Bây giờ khi em đọc tiểu thuyết, nếu em đọc thấy kết thúc có hậu, nơi người tốt được đền đáp và kẻ xấu bị trừng phạt, em đều khóc. Em ước mọi người đều thừa nhận rằng một số đau khổ trên thế giới là không thể hòa giải. Em ghét khi người ta nói rằng bạn trở nên tốt hơn nhờ đau khổ. Em ước mọi người đều thừa nhận rằng một vài nỗi đau mang tính hủy diệt. Em ghét lãng mạn truyền thống về những kết thúc có hậu, em ghét hoàng tử và công chúa đến với nhau. Suy nghĩ tích cực thật sáo rỗng! Nhưng chị ơi, chị có biết em ghét điều gì hơn nữa không? Em thà là một người sáo rỗng, thà ngu dốt còn hơn là nhìn thấy mặt trái của thế giới."
Bi kịch của những nhân vật trong [book:房思琪的初恋乐园| còn nằm ở sự sai lệch của giáo dục, nơi giới tính, đức hạnh bị bóp méo và trở thành công cụ hoàn hảo để những kẻ như thầy Lý lợi dụng nó. Một người thông minh uyên bác phải đi đôi với cao thượng và nhẫn nại, đó là cách nhìn nhận và giáo dục lầm lạc của Tư Kỳ lẫn cha mẹ cô bé:
Mẹ Phòng ngạc nhiên nhìn nàng, đáp: “Giáo dục giới tính cái gì? Giáo dục giới tính là dành cho những kẻ có nhu cầu tình dục. Thứ giáo dục đó chẳng phải chính là như vậy sao?”.
Xã hội áp đặt những tiêu chuẩn, lễ nghi hà khắc lên phụ nữ, bắt buộc họ không được có ham muốn và dục vọng, phụ nữ phải biết giữ mình thanh sạch, mà không ngờ những đức tính thanh cao đó trở thành xiềng xích trói buộc họ trong nỗi đau mà họ buộc phải chịu đựng. Một xã hội phá vỡ hết niềm tin của phụ nữ khi phụ nữ lại là kẻ đồng lỏa với tội ác. Sẽ là quá tiêu cực nhưng sự thật sẽ chẳng có ai có thể cứu lấy những nạn nhân này, khi họ gào thét hay đăng nó lên mạng xã hội cũng chẳng ai muốn biết sự thật. Ngay cả những người thân thiết với Tư Kỳ, cô bạn thân Di Đình hay người chị Ý Văn cũng chẳng thể làm gì - vì họ cũng chưa thể "tỉnh táo" trong cuộc đời của họ.
Văn phong của Lin Yi-han thật mang những nét đặc trưng rất đặc biệt, tác giả có thể đưa mình đến những không gian xa hoa và lỗng lẫy nhưng chẳng thể che đậy đi sự bốc mùi và thối nát của căn phòng đẹp đẽ đó mãi. Sử dụng sự đối lập, ẩn dụ liên tục trong từng con chữ, Yi-han không ngần ngại miêu tả hành vi tội ác bằng những câu từ hoa mỹ ghê tởm mà có thể ám ảnh và khiến người đọc khó chịu vô cùng. Bằng cách sử dụng chi tiết nghệ thuật nổi tiếng như Lolita, cuộc hôn nhân của nhà văn Trương Ái Linh và Đèn Lồng Đỏ Treo Cao mà thẩm mỹ hóa nỗi đau và bóp méo cái ác; cho tới quả sung, những tách cà phê và sự mất kiểm soát của hệ bài tiết thì Yi-han sẵn sàng nói với độc giả, sự thật luôn trần trụi và bẩn thỉu. Việc miêu tả tâm lý của hung thủ lẫn nạn nhân và mọi người xung quanh là chi tiết gây buồn nôn và ám ảnh, để Yi-han tạo nên một nhà tù ngôn từ mà giam giữ độc giả mắc kẹt ở đó, để họ hiểu cái đẹp giả dối không thể che giấu mãi tổn thương mà tâm hồn đang bị phớt lờ. Ngay cả những khoảnh khắc cứu rỗi trông rất lãng mạn gắn mác ngôn tình, tác giả buộc người đọc phải nhận thức rằng hạnh phúc là buộc phải chấp nhận và nhìn thẳng vào nỗi đau.
Mình của nhiều năm trước khi đọc xong tác phẩm này chẳng thể hiểu và không thể bóc tách được ý nghĩa của nó, nhưng tác giả thành công để mình mắc kẹt với cuốn sách - đó là điều mà Lin Yi-han thực sự mong muốn, cô ấy muốn độc giả phải nhớ mãi và tin rằng nỗi đau của nhân vật là thật, đọc lại là để mình thấu hiểu cho những tổn thương đó. Mình phải lặng người vì nhận ra văn chương có sức mạnh to lớn đến thế, chính Yi-han, Tư Kỳ, Di Đình và chị Ý Văn đã bị văn chương phản bội - nó là trái cấm mà đưa họ khỏi vườn địa đàng; thật trớ trêu khi văn chương là thứ dìm chết những người phụ nữ này, cũng lại là thứ cứu vớt nâng niu họ - viết để họ gọi tên nỗi đau, tìm lại tiếng nói của mình. Tác giả Lin Yi-han biết rằng viết nên cuốn sách cũng chẳng thay đổi được gì, cô ấy không muốn và chẳng thể cứu rỗi hay thức tỉnh điều gì cả, Yi-han thành công trong việc để độc giả của cô ấy nhìn thấy nỗi đau, mặt tối của thế giới mà không cần trải qua nó.
Kiên nhẫn không phải là một đức tính; coi kiên nhẫn là một đức tính là cách mà thế giới giả tạo này duy trì trật tự méo mó của nó. Giận dữ mới là đức tính. Di Đình, em có thể viết một cuốn sách về sự giận dữ. Hãy nghĩ xem những người có thể đọc cuốn sách của em may mắn đến mức nào; họ có thể nhìn thấy mặt trái của thế giới mà không cần phải chạm vào nó.
March 23, 2017
因為文學是死的，而人是活的。
整本書最讓我感到可怕的不是強暴女孩操控一切的男人，也不是酒後毆妻的男人，是「文學害慘了她們」這件事讓我感到不寒而慄。
父母從性教育這堂課永遠缺席，學校跟社會只會不停地向可能成為受害者的學生說:「不，要勇敢說出來。」，而文學，文學教會了心靈高風亮節，教會了人尊嚴。於是乎，文學就像是伊甸園裡的禁果，誰摘擷咬下了一口，誰就知道了尊嚴。誰就無法把「髒污」說出口。不容許髒污在自己身上發生。
我反省自己，明明強者對弱者的暴行該是最讓人害怕的，但是我卻對此感到司空見慣的原因。我認為那是因為女性一直被教導世界就是有可能讓這一切發生在你身上。因為一切都太可怕了，所以我們對一切施加於女性的暴力冷感。社會命令我們冷感，大眾要我們靜默。女性為這些受害者找藉口，努力在她們身上找到不正確的地方並抨擊，她必須潔白無瑕，必須寧死不屈，必須死。唯有死，才可以立起貞節牌坊，女性才會將之視為可憐哀傷，必須仿效的對象。
陶瓷娃娃什麼地方最美麗，易碎的特性最美麗。
李國華讓房思琪在十三歲永遠地停止成長，他在她那渴求離開蘿莉塔島的腦裡挖了一個洞，不停地注入他的、不停地插入她的。不再成長的身體無法容納這一切，虛構的愛無法撐住李國華的粗俗踐踏，於是，過小的容器終於在不停滿溢的情況下喪失記憶，在不停衝撞的情況下產生裂痕，在不停傷害的情況下支離破碎。
李國華拿出夾著影劇版的金庸，李國華從新加坡回來後將房間改造成妓戶的樣子，「大紅燈籠高高掛」的樣子；李國華硬塞了十萬元給房思琪，硬買了鞋子給她。
李國華強行進入她的房間，摸她的內褲，揭穿她的謊言，違背她的意志，將她綑綁起來凌辱。
李國華完全知道要怎麼毀壞一個女孩。
郭曉奇被拋棄後在網站上面貼出自己的歷程，卻只得到訕笑。那些網路上仇女地訕笑。『一定是價錢談不攏』
這裡真的讓我感到無比地寫實跟心痛，我想起了很多以往看過的文章，輔大性侵時下面的留言，甚至是最近雄友之夜的文宣，那些在各篇文章中不停重複貼上的詞句，是這世界對女性還沒有停下的惡意。
p.151 李國華說，不論是紅樓夢、楚辭、史記、莊子，一切對他來說都是這四個字，「嬌喘微微」。
李國華深知文學透過不同的角度會如何腐蝕人心，所以他從不讓他的女兒晞晞碰文學。
P.164 伊紋寫給思琪的十八歲生日祝賀信中說現實跟書本不是一樣的，讀書的人從書裡體會了世界的慘痛，而那二手壞情緒襲擊而來時，人往往無法立即書寫反擊，卡在書裡不確定該縮回去或爬出來。發生在別人身上的悲劇也是如此，我們卡在中間，不知道應該投入還是旁觀。
倖存者，有兩種意思。都是逃過了一劫。但是兩者在之前所經歷的劫難是不同的。
房思琪在書店注視的是逃離性侵囚禁的倖存者。用文字書寫下一切的是逃過了被害可能的倖存者。
恐怖的地方是，你只是從這劫難倖存了下來，不代表沒有下一個劫難。
房思琪、劉怡婷、許伊紋、張婉如、晞晞、餅乾王、蔡良、郭曉奇
這些是出現在書中裡有名字的女性。
漂亮的女生有別緻的名字，像是房思琪跟許伊紋，更或者是晞晞，被刻意不碰文學養大的晞晞。
平凡的女生有平凡的名字，她們有的過得幸福，有的被看出了美麗之處而慘遭毒手，有的助紂為虐。
在看書之前就已經看到很多評論，很多節錄。
也看到作者請「比較進步的人」不要設出結構，她怕房思琪被定義，其他的房思琪不得其所。
這真的是一本充滿很多符號的書，有需要被高深文學薰陶才看得出的符號，有倖存者間共通的符號，有權威社會刻劃出的符號，看不懂符號的，我們只能跟老錢太太一樣，回句「那還得看是什麼人生」。因為我們沒辦法閱盡人生，誰都沒辦法。
作品不能有好結局，那樣就太虛偽太美好太無法反應現實了。
房思琪沒有靈魂歸位，現在沒有，但不代表以後不會有。
許伊紋有了毛毛，這樣的安排讓我感到善意，至少還是要有誰得救。
在段落之外的部分，故事不會停歇。
謾罵訕笑的人依舊存在，強暴女性為樂的人依舊存在，用權勢欺壓凌辱人的人依舊存在。
而我們還活著，我們卡在別人的故事中間活著。
然後每天都咒罵世界並期許世界能變得更好。
突然想到，前一陣子在臉書上看到一則貼文，上頭寫著在台灣某個鄉鎮，有位坐在輪椅上專門家教英文的男人，他會性騷擾小孩。
那則貼文我已經找不到了，就這樣，一個人的罪行就這樣消失在網海裡。
而我們被教育要服從權威，敬仰權威，我們將對權威的想像投射到好像握有權威的人身上，直到幻滅那天。
從來沒有人發現這樣的行為是可怕的。
權威可以對我們做任何事都該接受，這樣的念頭是可怕的。
整本書最讓我感到可怕的不是強暴女孩操控一切的男人，也不是酒後毆妻的男人，是「文學害慘了她們」這件事讓我感到不寒而慄。
父母從性教育這堂課永遠缺席，學校跟社會只會不停地向可能成為受害者的學生說:「不，要勇敢說出來。」，而文學，文學教會了心靈高風亮節，教會了人尊嚴。於是乎，文學就像是伊甸園裡的禁果，誰摘擷咬下了一口，誰就知道了尊嚴。誰就無法把「髒污」說出口。不容許髒污在自己身上發生。
我反省自己，明明強者對弱者的暴行該是最讓人害怕的，但是我卻對此感到司空見慣的原因。我認為那是因為女性一直被教導世界就是有可能讓這一切發生在你身上。因為一切都太可怕了，所以我們對一切施加於女性的暴力冷感。社會命令我們冷感，大眾要我們靜默。女性為這些受害者找藉口，努力在她們身上找到不正確的地方並抨擊，她必須潔白無瑕，必須寧死不屈，必須死。唯有死，才可以立起貞節牌坊，女性才會將之視為可憐哀傷，必須仿效的對象。
陶瓷娃娃什麼地方最美麗，易碎的特性最美麗。
李國華讓房思琪在十三歲永遠地停止成長，他在她那渴求離開蘿莉塔島的腦裡挖了一個洞，不停地注入他的、不停地插入她的。不再成長的身體無法容納這一切，虛構的愛無法撐住李國華的粗俗踐踏，於是，過小的容器終於在不停滿溢的情況下喪失記憶，在不停衝撞的情況下產生裂痕，在不停傷害的情況下支離破碎。
李國華拿出夾著影劇版的金庸，李國華從新加坡回來後將房間改造成妓戶的樣子，「大紅燈籠高高掛」的樣子；李國華硬塞了十萬元給房思琪，硬買了鞋子給她。
李國華強行進入她的房間，摸她的內褲，揭穿她的謊言，違背她的意志，將她綑綁起來凌辱。
李國華完全知道要怎麼毀壞一個女孩。
郭曉奇被拋棄後在網站上面貼出自己的歷程，卻只得到訕笑。那些網路上仇女地訕笑。『一定是價錢談不攏』
這裡真的讓我感到無比地寫實跟心痛，我想起了很多以往看過的文章，輔大性侵時下面的留言，甚至是最近雄友之夜的文宣，那些在各篇文章中不停重複貼上的詞句，是這世界對女性還沒有停下的惡意。
p.151 李國華說，不論是紅樓夢、楚辭、史記、莊子，一切對他來說都是這四個字，「嬌喘微微」。
李國華深知文學透過不同的角度會如何腐蝕人心，所以他從不讓他的女兒晞晞碰文學。
P.164 伊紋寫給思琪的十八歲生日祝賀信中說現實跟書本不是一樣的，讀書的人從書裡體會了世界的慘痛，而那二手壞情緒襲擊而來時，人往往無法立即書寫反擊，卡在書裡不確定該縮回去或爬出來。發生在別人身上的悲劇也是如此，我們卡在中間，不知道應該投入還是旁觀。
倖存者，有兩種意思。都是逃過了一劫。但是兩者在之前所經歷的劫難是不同的。
房思琪在書店注視的是逃離性侵囚禁的倖存者。用文字書寫下一切的是逃過了被害可能的倖存者。
恐怖的地方是，你只是從這劫難倖存了下來，不代表沒有下一個劫難。
房思琪、劉怡婷、許伊紋、張婉如、晞晞、餅乾王、蔡良、郭曉奇
這些是出現在書中裡有名字的女性。
漂亮的女生有別緻的名字，像是房思琪跟許伊紋，更或者是晞晞，被刻意不碰文學養大的晞晞。
平凡的女生有平凡的名字，她們有的過得幸福，有的被看出了美麗之處而慘遭毒手，有的助紂為虐。
在看書之前就已經看到很多評論，很多節錄。
也看到作者請「比較進步的人」不要設出結構，她怕房思琪被定義，其他的房思琪不得其所。
這真的是一本充滿很多符號的書，有需要被高深文學薰陶才看得出的符號，有倖存者間共通的符號，有權威社會刻劃出的符號，看不懂符號的，我們只能跟老錢太太一樣，回句「那還得看是什麼人生」。因為我們沒辦法閱盡人生，誰都沒辦法。
作品不能有好結局，那樣就太虛偽太美好太無法反應現實了。
房思琪沒有靈魂歸位，現在沒有，但不代表以後不會有。
許伊紋有了毛毛，這樣的安排讓我感到善意，至少還是要有誰得救。
在段落之外的部分，故事不會停歇。
謾罵訕笑的人依舊存在，強暴女性為樂的人依舊存在，用權勢欺壓凌辱人的人依舊存在。
而我們還活著，我們卡在別人的故事中間活著。
然後每天都咒罵世界並期許世界能變得更好。
突然想到，前一陣子在臉書上看到一則貼文，上頭寫著在台灣某個鄉鎮，有位坐在輪椅上專門家教英文的男人，他會性騷擾小孩。
那則貼文我已經找不到了，就這樣，一個人的罪行就這樣消失在網海裡。
而我們被教育要服從權威，敬仰權威，我們將對權威的想像投射到好像握有權威的人身上，直到幻滅那天。
從來沒有人發現這樣的行為是可怕的。
權威可以對我們做任何事都該接受，這樣的念頭是可怕的。
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
September 24, 2025
This is a book that you won't be able to finish in one sitting, It's too oppressive, too infuriating. You'll find yourself clenching your fists as you read, and needing to take breaks to catch your breath.
I finished this book in a state of emotional turmoil. I knew that this wasn't just the story of author Lin Yih-han’s life. She once said, "This is just a novel that you don't dare to read, but it's my life, and you're making me live it."
Adapted from a true story, Fang Siqi's Paradise of First Love is Lin’s own harrowing tale of sexual abuse as a teenager. In an interview, she stated, "When you read this book, you can feel the pain, it's real; you can feel the beauty, it's real too."
The book is a stunning blend of exquisite prose (I read the Mandarin version - 房思琪初恋乐园) and a heartbreaking narrative that confronts the harsh realities of sexual violence. It delves into the darkest corners of human nature, where sexuality and violence intertwine, revealing beauty and despair, deception and self-deception, intoxication and the excruciating pain of awakening. It's a captivating yet repulsive read.
This novel stands out not only as a rare account of sexual violence written by a female author in Chinese literature but also as a rare exploration of the bewildering depths of human nature. It cuts through the skin, exposes the raw flesh, and inflicts a profound ache.
This novel, undeniably a story of relentless cruelty and despair, is masterfully crafted by Lin’s meticulously sculpted prose, highlighting the profound presence of literature in this narrative. Rather than being a direct accusation against Li Guohua or the entire society that complicitly enabled his predatory behavior, this book serves as Lin’s interrogation of literature's purpose, a reflection of her own despair and introspection as her literary dreams shattered. Sadly, by the end of the story, we see no trace of first love nor experience a single moment of joy.
Through her wedding speech, which is also included in the book, I can feel she’s such a beautiful, kind, and talented young woman. She could have lived a happy, fulfilling, joyful, and free life, but it was cruelly taken from her.
Her loneliness was not the loneliness of one person; it was the loneliness of being utterly alone.
After Lin’s death, the perpetrator, who had been hiding from the public eye, was forced to speak out. However, this shameless individual had the audacity to deny being a devil teacher, claiming that he had indeed "dated her for over two months" when Lin was preparing for college, but their relationship ended when her parents learned about it and demanded a breakup. Despite a 4-month investigation by the Tainan District Prosecutor's Office, he was ultimately not charged due to insufficient evidence. This beast in human form remains at large, while the young woman whose life he destroyed will never see the sun again.
Lin’s tragic story evokes my empathy and compels us to reflect on the critical role of sex education in children's development. While you might think sex education is premature, predators don't think children are too young.
The stories of Siqi remind us that women deserve to be treated with respect, not as mere objects for emotional release.
Even more crucial than financial independence is a woman's intellectual independence. Throughout a woman's life, no matter who she becomes behind, it's always important to be yourself. Instead of being a clinging morning glory, its roots reaching for support, be a kapok tree, its roots firmly anchored in the ground, standing tall and straight.
5 / 5 stars.
I finished this book in a state of emotional turmoil. I knew that this wasn't just the story of author Lin Yih-han’s life. She once said, "This is just a novel that you don't dare to read, but it's my life, and you're making me live it."
Adapted from a true story, Fang Siqi's Paradise of First Love is Lin’s own harrowing tale of sexual abuse as a teenager. In an interview, she stated, "When you read this book, you can feel the pain, it's real; you can feel the beauty, it's real too."
The book is a stunning blend of exquisite prose (I read the Mandarin version - 房思琪初恋乐园) and a heartbreaking narrative that confronts the harsh realities of sexual violence. It delves into the darkest corners of human nature, where sexuality and violence intertwine, revealing beauty and despair, deception and self-deception, intoxication and the excruciating pain of awakening. It's a captivating yet repulsive read.
This novel stands out not only as a rare account of sexual violence written by a female author in Chinese literature but also as a rare exploration of the bewildering depths of human nature. It cuts through the skin, exposes the raw flesh, and inflicts a profound ache.
This novel, undeniably a story of relentless cruelty and despair, is masterfully crafted by Lin’s meticulously sculpted prose, highlighting the profound presence of literature in this narrative. Rather than being a direct accusation against Li Guohua or the entire society that complicitly enabled his predatory behavior, this book serves as Lin’s interrogation of literature's purpose, a reflection of her own despair and introspection as her literary dreams shattered. Sadly, by the end of the story, we see no trace of first love nor experience a single moment of joy.
Through her wedding speech, which is also included in the book, I can feel she’s such a beautiful, kind, and talented young woman. She could have lived a happy, fulfilling, joyful, and free life, but it was cruelly taken from her.
Her loneliness was not the loneliness of one person; it was the loneliness of being utterly alone.
After Lin’s death, the perpetrator, who had been hiding from the public eye, was forced to speak out. However, this shameless individual had the audacity to deny being a devil teacher, claiming that he had indeed "dated her for over two months" when Lin was preparing for college, but their relationship ended when her parents learned about it and demanded a breakup. Despite a 4-month investigation by the Tainan District Prosecutor's Office, he was ultimately not charged due to insufficient evidence. This beast in human form remains at large, while the young woman whose life he destroyed will never see the sun again.
Lin’s tragic story evokes my empathy and compels us to reflect on the critical role of sex education in children's development. While you might think sex education is premature, predators don't think children are too young.
The stories of Siqi remind us that women deserve to be treated with respect, not as mere objects for emotional release.
Even more crucial than financial independence is a woman's intellectual independence. Throughout a woman's life, no matter who she becomes behind, it's always important to be yourself. Instead of being a clinging morning glory, its roots reaching for support, be a kapok tree, its roots firmly anchored in the ground, standing tall and straight.
5 / 5 stars.
April 30, 2017
在近日的喧囂中，我嘗試著從文字本身尋找平靜，僅為了安撫我憤怒的情緒。作者片段式的文字帶來一種畫面交錯以及思緒不斷變換頻道的閱讀體驗，嚴格說起來不甚流暢，但卻異常地貼切這本書的主基調，就像房思琪欲逃離現實反覆地讓自己進入不同的詞語裡。書中反覆提到純潔的概念，到了一種近乎偏執的狀態，被・玷・污了：童年、自以為的愛情、貞節、曾經可以擁有的平凡人生，更甚至，連發生在她身上巨大的惡都被曾有過的愛慕所玷污了，因為這樣而不能赤裸裸地去恨、去報復、去奪回自己的掌控權，因為有過仰慕，所以連被強姦都不能完全地怪罪在施暴者身上，這是那些無知的人、自以為黑白正義的人，以及崇尚純潔的社會，集體釀成的悲劇。
這個世界被一條條法律編織出一張張密密麻麻的網，但總會有人找到縫隙，恬不知恥地放縱他的惡，願在這些法律覆蓋不到的空洞之中，有同理、有善意、有道德壓力來堵住這些惡的釋放，或者，輕輕地接住那些不小心踩空的少女。
這個世界被一條條法律編織出一張張密密麻麻的網，但總會有人找到縫隙，恬不知恥地放縱他的惡，願在這些法律覆蓋不到的空洞之中，有同理、有善意、有道德壓力來堵住這些惡的釋放，或者，輕輕地接住那些不小心踩空的少女。
July 3, 2017
一本无法打分的书。
怎么能给伤痛打分呢？
希望每个人都可以读它。
怎么能给伤痛打分呢？
希望每个人都可以读它。
Read
July 7, 2023Nie potrafię ocenić tej książki. Była niekomfortowo pięknie napisana, brutalna, wstrząsająca i na pewno ogromnie dotykająca.
Read
June 19, 2023Do lektury zabierałam się długo - ostrzeżona, że to książka tematem i kalibrem zbliżona do Moja mroczna Vanesso, której nie byłam w stanie czytać. Faktycznie - eksplorowane literacko są tematy molestowania uczennicy przez nauczyciela, przemocy wobec kobiet, uprzedmiotowienia i patologie społeczne do dziś obecne na Tajwanie. Sposób opowiadania jednak dystansuje czytelnika od historii – skupia jego uwagę na innych wątkach, chwilami przenosząc ciężar gdzie indziej (jakby dając tę upragnioną chwilę wytchnienia), równocześnie dając wgląd w najbardziej osobiste przemyślenia przez zastosowanie strumienia świadomości.
Raj występuje też w interesującym kontekście - jest jedną z najważniejszych powieści nurtu MeToo w Tajwanie, odbiera się go jako częściowo autobiograficzny zapis traumy debiutującej autorki, która odebrała sobie życie niedługo po publikacji tekstu. Tekst w polskim wydaniu uzupełnia ostatni wywiad-monolog z autorką, dotyczący tego, co Lin Yihan chciała przekazać - i jej zdaniem, jeśli streszczać fabułę i sens książki do jednego zdania, to nie jest to książka o wykorzystanej nastolatce, tylko historia dziewczyny, która zakochuje się w swoim oprawcy. Dodaje: "Nie chcę jednak dziś mówić o molestowaniu i gwałcie, jeśli czytelnik podczas lektury nie dostrzeże ich, to znaczy, że udaje ślepego i głuchego".
Książka jest jednocześnie wstrząsająca, brutalna, obrzydliwa i... piękna - w taki dziwny, wywołujący dyskomfort sposób. Nie umiem ocenić jej w skali gwiazdkowej, to nie jest tytuł, który "jest taką super ważną ksionszkom dla wszystkich, must read ✨" - odrzuca i przyciąga jednocześnie, jest jak wypadek samochodowy - nie chcesz patrzeć, ale nie możesz przestać. Przeraża, ale jednocześnie ma się ochotę wyciągnąć znaczniki i zakreślać zdania o bezludnej samotności. Chyba najlepiej pasuje do niej określenie - doświadczenie literackie.
Raj występuje też w interesującym kontekście - jest jedną z najważniejszych powieści nurtu MeToo w Tajwanie, odbiera się go jako częściowo autobiograficzny zapis traumy debiutującej autorki, która odebrała sobie życie niedługo po publikacji tekstu. Tekst w polskim wydaniu uzupełnia ostatni wywiad-monolog z autorką, dotyczący tego, co Lin Yihan chciała przekazać - i jej zdaniem, jeśli streszczać fabułę i sens książki do jednego zdania, to nie jest to książka o wykorzystanej nastolatce, tylko historia dziewczyny, która zakochuje się w swoim oprawcy. Dodaje: "Nie chcę jednak dziś mówić o molestowaniu i gwałcie, jeśli czytelnik podczas lektury nie dostrzeże ich, to znaczy, że udaje ślepego i głuchego".
Książka jest jednocześnie wstrząsająca, brutalna, obrzydliwa i... piękna - w taki dziwny, wywołujący dyskomfort sposób. Nie umiem ocenić jej w skali gwiazdkowej, to nie jest tytuł, który "jest taką super ważną ksionszkom dla wszystkich, must read ✨" - odrzuca i przyciąga jednocześnie, jest jak wypadek samochodowy - nie chcesz patrzeć, ale nie możesz przestać. Przeraża, ale jednocześnie ma się ochotę wyciągnąć znaczniki i zakreślać zdania o bezludnej samotności. Chyba najlepiej pasuje do niej określenie - doświadczenie literackie.
April 27, 2020
幹嘛躲在英文裡？——房思琪
思琪在家一面整理行李，一面用一種天真的口吻對媽媽說：「聽說學校有個同學跟老師在一起。」「誰？」「不認識。」「這麼小年紀就這麼騷。」思琪不說話了。她一瞬間決定從此一輩子不說話了。
"The Talk"
We live in a society where "the Talk" is quite different from "the Talk" in Western books or movies. How do you translate "the Talk"?
Netflix電視劇《性教育》【Sex Education】裡充斥著經歷了「The Talk」的teenagers，隱晦的也好，直截了當的也好，模棱兩可的也好。西方社會中父母與孩子間什麼時候進行「The Talk」已經不再是諱莫如深的話題，需要遮遮掩掩；所謂的「那個談話」的初衷是為了保護孩子，讓孩子有足夠的知識，知道當一個人面對社會的時候怎樣保護自己，怎樣劃定自己的界限。好生羨慕！
電影《The Hate U Gave》的第一個鏡頭就是「The Talk」，然而，是一個非裔家庭之間的「The Talk」，這個“談話”是父母鄭重其事地告訴孩子，面對一個非裔群體依舊未完全被公平對待的社會，如果遇到警察，一定要把手放在警察看得見的地方，無論如何。隨後，顯然沒有經歷過「The Talk」朋友付出了生命的代價。在這裡，看似不一樣的「The Talk」，其實父母的初衷都是教給孩子，讓他們有足夠的知識，哪怕這「知識」是殘酷的，也要知道，從而以後一個人走向社會的時候知道怎樣保護自己，不再天真。是不幸，但又何其幸運！
遺憾的是，這兩種「The Talk」並沒有出現在「房思琪」的生命裡。她的「The Talk」大多是責備，甚至不需要責備，一個「你讓我失望了」的眼神就足夠；一聲「一個女孩子這樣讓我們父母操心」的嘆息就足夠；連她「一瞬間決定從此一輩子不說話了」的感受都是她的錯處；好真切，好不熟悉！那些「房思琪們」，本該來自父母的保護在哪裡？這個世界啊，為什麼大多數時候都是孩子在說「對不起」，孩子們究竟有多少能夠真正「傷害」到她們/他們的父母呢？
To imagine a language is to imagine a form of life.
——Ludwig Wittgenstein 【Born April 26, 1889】
如果真能躲在英文裡，
發現生活的另一種形式，
那過去還會不會追上來？
溫良恭儉讓。
幹嘛躲在英文裡？
——房思琪
Finished this book months ago, but I haven't made peace to myself with the book.
It was a turbulence on the internet due to the author's suicide as well as her parents' claim that it is an autobiographic book. It's heart breaking to read it, especially knowing she committed suicide at 26 after the publishing of the book. I could imagine how hurtful to the parents knowing the truth, but where were they during the whole thing? A 13 years old girl got seduced and raped by her teacher / neighbour that her parents trusted to? Parents have not noticed a single sign for the disaster?
Throughout the book, I grow up with Fang Sichi. It's sad, there is no help, no outer voice to her, instead, only the twisted Lolita complex growing inside of her. I could understood her choice of killing herself. And no doubt, it is a wonderful book!
People compare it with Lolita, however, knowing how Nabokov created the Lolita, it's a different situation. This book is based on pure pain and blood of a girl ignored by her parents, victim of the society. They owe her a life, a childhood, an explanation.
思琪在家一面整理行李，一面用一種天真的口吻對媽媽說：「聽說學校有個同學跟老師在一起。」「誰？」「不認識。」「這麼小年紀就這麼騷。」思琪不說話了。她一瞬間決定從此一輩子不說話了。
"The Talk"
We live in a society where "the Talk" is quite different from "the Talk" in Western books or movies. How do you translate "the Talk"?
Netflix電視劇《性教育》【Sex Education】裡充斥著經歷了「The Talk」的teenagers，隱晦的也好，直截了當的也好，模棱兩可的也好。西方社會中父母與孩子間什麼時候進行「The Talk」已經不再是諱莫如深的話題，需要遮遮掩掩；所謂的「那個談話」的初衷是為了保護孩子，讓孩子有足夠的知識，知道當一個人面對社會的時候怎樣保護自己，怎樣劃定自己的界限。好生羨慕！
電影《The Hate U Gave》的第一個鏡頭就是「The Talk」，然而，是一個非裔家庭之間的「The Talk」，這個“談話”是父母鄭重其事地告訴孩子，面對一個非裔群體依舊未完全被公平對待的社會，如果遇到警察，一定要把手放在警察看得見的地方，無論如何。隨後，顯然沒有經歷過「The Talk」朋友付出了生命的代價。在這裡，看似不一樣的「The Talk」，其實父母的初衷都是教給孩子，讓他們有足夠的知識，哪怕這「知識」是殘酷的，也要知道，從而以後一個人走向社會的時候知道怎樣保護自己，不再天真。是不幸，但又何其幸運！
遺憾的是，這兩種「The Talk」並沒有出現在「房思琪」的生命裡。她的「The Talk」大多是責備，甚至不需要責備，一個「你讓我失望了」的眼神就足夠；一聲「一個女孩子這樣讓我們父母操心」的嘆息就足夠；連她「一瞬間決定從此一輩子不說話了」的感受都是她的錯處；好真切，好不熟悉！那些「房思琪們」，本該來自父母的保護在哪裡？這個世界啊，為什麼大多數時候都是孩子在說「對不起」，孩子們究竟有多少能夠真正「傷害」到她們/他們的父母呢？
To imagine a language is to imagine a form of life.
——Ludwig Wittgenstein 【Born April 26, 1889】
如果真能躲在英文裡，
發現生活的另一種形式，
那過去還會不會追上來？
溫良恭儉讓。
幹嘛躲在英文裡？
——房思琪
Finished this book months ago, but I haven't made peace to myself with the book.
It was a turbulence on the internet due to the author's suicide as well as her parents' claim that it is an autobiographic book. It's heart breaking to read it, especially knowing she committed suicide at 26 after the publishing of the book. I could imagine how hurtful to the parents knowing the truth, but where were they during the whole thing? A 13 years old girl got seduced and raped by her teacher / neighbour that her parents trusted to? Parents have not noticed a single sign for the disaster?
Throughout the book, I grow up with Fang Sichi. It's sad, there is no help, no outer voice to her, instead, only the twisted Lolita complex growing inside of her. I could understood her choice of killing herself. And no doubt, it is a wonderful book!
People compare it with Lolita, however, knowing how Nabokov created the Lolita, it's a different situation. This book is based on pure pain and blood of a girl ignored by her parents, victim of the society. They owe her a life, a childhood, an explanation.
May 21, 2017
「任何关于性的暴力，都是整个社会一起完成的。」一口气儿看完了，一整天都很抑郁。林奕含把一切都看的太清楚了，那些人的伪善，丑恶，无知，可怖，他们脑子里的百转千回，都被摊开来，明明白白，所以这些文字才真实的血淋淋的。书里写到，「他明白社会对性的禁忌太方便了，强暴一个女生，全世界都会觉得是她的错，连她都觉得是自己的错。罪恶感又会把她赶回他身边。」真实到想哭。
看到有个书评里写「fb上林奕含说好多人告诉她觉得小说太苦了读不下去，她只觉得羡慕，小说可以说不读了就不读了，她却有整个人生要活下去。当然现在看也更唏嘘，人生这本书，她终究也还是读不下去了。」我希望这个故事将来可以拍成电影，但是又怕拍的不好，辜负了她这短暂的一生，辜负了她曾经承受过的，比这个世界还大的那些痛苦。
看到有个书评里写「fb上林奕含说好多人告诉她觉得小说太苦了读不下去，她只觉得羡慕，小说可以说不读了就不读了，她却有整个人生要活下去。当然现在看也更唏嘘，人生这本书，她终究也还是读不下去了。」我希望这个故事将来可以拍成电影，但是又怕拍的不好，辜负了她这短暂的一生，辜负了她曾经承受过的，比这个世界还大的那些痛苦。
May 22, 2023
Trudna książka, nie tylko przez tematykę, ale głównie przez formę. Strumień świadomości nie jest najbardziej przystępnym sposobem budowania narracji, a tutaj obserwujemy zarówno perspektywę ofiary, jak i jej oprawcy, które do tego pełne są nawiązań do innych dzieł, głównie kultury azjatyckiej i europejskiej, balansujących miejscami na krawędzi kiczu. O ile historia jest poruszająca i dotyczy niezwykle ważnych spraw, tak całościowo książka nie do końca wpisała się w moje gusta.
July 20, 2023
Przerażająca, ale kiepsko napisana i męcząca. Koniecznie trzeba sprawdzić trigger warningi przed czytaniem!
April 25, 2024
Read in mandarin first and then English (gifted by HarperVia Books)
First off, definitely check TW! Especially since this book is based on the author’s own experience, it might be helpful to first read about Yi-Han’s life—a literary star that was gone too soon. May she rest in power.
The Mandarin has more complex language that takes a bit getting used to. Sometimes the sentences read a bit confusing. Whereas the English translation is more straightforward, and I personally prefer my experience reading in English, even though that means the ancient Chinese texts lose its flavor.
The themes of “misinterpreting” literature as a means to grooming is very unique and fascinating. The author brilliantly delineates how “useless/dangerous” literature is when all it does is give power to perpetrators to justify their actions rather than protect girls & women.
Another thing to note is that the “epilogue” is a bit confusing… in the Mandarin version it’s more clear that’s the author’s notes given it occurs after afterwards/reviews of the book. In the English version, it can seem like it’s an extra chapter of the novel—which I don’t think it is. But it’ll be interesting to see how English readers interpret the epilogue.
Finally, in the mandarin version, there’s an afterward titled 「任何關於性的暴力，都是整個社會一起完成的。」(roughly translates to: any sexual violence is perpetrated by the entire society). It really helped me interpret the novel on my second read. An absolutely heartbreaking yet essential read 💔
First off, definitely check TW! Especially since this book is based on the author’s own experience, it might be helpful to first read about Yi-Han’s life—a literary star that was gone too soon. May she rest in power.
The Mandarin has more complex language that takes a bit getting used to. Sometimes the sentences read a bit confusing. Whereas the English translation is more straightforward, and I personally prefer my experience reading in English, even though that means the ancient Chinese texts lose its flavor.
The themes of “misinterpreting” literature as a means to grooming is very unique and fascinating. The author brilliantly delineates how “useless/dangerous” literature is when all it does is give power to perpetrators to justify their actions rather than protect girls & women.
Another thing to note is that the “epilogue” is a bit confusing… in the Mandarin version it’s more clear that’s the author’s notes given it occurs after afterwards/reviews of the book. In the English version, it can seem like it’s an extra chapter of the novel—which I don’t think it is. But it’ll be interesting to see how English readers interpret the epilogue.
Finally, in the mandarin version, there’s an afterward titled 「任何關於性的暴力，都是整個社會一起完成的。」(roughly translates to: any sexual violence is perpetrated by the entire society). It really helped me interpret the novel on my second read. An absolutely heartbreaking yet essential read 💔
March 4, 2022
Увидеть изнанку мира, не касаясь ее.
August 10, 2020
After finishing the book, I went online and watch the author's interview, police investigation of her suicide and her wedding speech, it truly broke me.
Lin Yi-han's background story : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUKOz...
Lin Yi-han's wedding speech : https://www.bilibili.com/s/video/BV15...
Fang Si-Chi's First Love Paradise is inspired by the author's true story where she undergoes several mental breakdown and start taking medication after having an affair with her teacher during high school. Sadly, there aren't enough evidence to put the culprit to jail.
This book narrates the life of a young girl, Fang Si-chi that got raped and sexually abuse a cram-school teacher, Liu Guo-hua which lives in her neighbourhood. Throughout the years, she continue to meet up with him. Even though she realized that she got abused and treated as a sex toy, she couldn't step out of her guilt and live a new life.
“思琪在家一面整理行李，一面用一種天真的口吻對媽媽說：「聽說學校有個同學跟老師在一起。」「誰？」「不認識。」「這麼小年紀就這麼騷。」思琪不說話了。她一瞬間決定從此一輩子不說話了。”
Throughout the book, the author touches on many important social problems, particularly in Taiwan and Asia countries. Firstly, the taboo of sex and sex education. When Fang Si-Chi and her best friend, Liu Yi-ting asked questions about sex or make jokes about sex, adults either quickly switch the topic or reprimand them. As a Malaysian, I truly felt the stress and restricted space to discuss about such heavy topics with family and friends.
It also depicts that all of us are the culprits of social problems. The book depicts that the society often quickly blame female victims of sexual assault and rape without understanding the context. A newly-wed lady, Xu Yi-wen got abused by her husband whenever he is drunk. Even though the whole neighborhood know about it, they choose to remain silent, because it's other people's business. Therefore, social problems that keep on happening from the past till now is because all of us enjoy being a bystander.
“運用一個妳其實並不懂的詞，這根本是犯罪，就像一個人心中沒有愛卻說我愛妳一樣。”
The author also questioned the power of words and literature. The teacher, Liu Guo-hua often uses poetic words to seduce and prey on young girls. The book also mentioned that he enjoy practicing quotes that he learn from reading various literature on different young girls. In an interview, the author, Lin Yi-han mentioned that the news of V.S Naipul sexually abused his wife shocked her. As a reader, we often believe that writing comes from the soul of a person and depicts the true nature. However, literature also had the power to misled us into false perception. Fang Si-chi falls in love with the words of Liu Guo-hua over and over again, even though she knows that all of it were lies. Therefore, Lin Yi-han wanted to write a book to discuss about the danger of words and literature.
"她恍然覺得不是學文學的人，而是文學辜負了她們。"
Overall, this book is a masterpiece. I gave it a 4 stars because I couldn't grasp the hidden meaning of every words and sentences due to my poor Mandarin. There are many lyrical sentences and symbolic that flew through my head. I also found the character of Liu Yi-ting retarded and dumb. A high school student got jealous because her favourite teacher sexually abuse her friend? If it's a primary school kid, I still can understand it, but a high school student that is going to graduate?
Still recommend it. May Lin Yi-han rest in peace and Fang Si-Chi's First Love Paradise continue to spread its important messages to the world.
"我想成为一个对他人的痛苦有更多的想象力的人，我想成为可以告诉那些恨不得得精神病的孩子们这种愿望是不对的那种人，我想要成为可以让无论有钱或没有钱的人都毫无顾忌地去看病的那一种人，我想要成为可以实质上帮助精神病去污名化的那一种人。" -林奕含
Lin Yi-han's background story : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUKOz...
Lin Yi-han's wedding speech : https://www.bilibili.com/s/video/BV15...
Fang Si-Chi's First Love Paradise is inspired by the author's true story where she undergoes several mental breakdown and start taking medication after having an affair with her teacher during high school. Sadly, there aren't enough evidence to put the culprit to jail.
This book narrates the life of a young girl, Fang Si-chi that got raped and sexually abuse a cram-school teacher, Liu Guo-hua which lives in her neighbourhood. Throughout the years, she continue to meet up with him. Even though she realized that she got abused and treated as a sex toy, she couldn't step out of her guilt and live a new life.
“思琪在家一面整理行李，一面用一種天真的口吻對媽媽說：「聽說學校有個同學跟老師在一起。」「誰？」「不認識。」「這麼小年紀就這麼騷。」思琪不說話了。她一瞬間決定從此一輩子不說話了。”
Throughout the book, the author touches on many important social problems, particularly in Taiwan and Asia countries. Firstly, the taboo of sex and sex education. When Fang Si-Chi and her best friend, Liu Yi-ting asked questions about sex or make jokes about sex, adults either quickly switch the topic or reprimand them. As a Malaysian, I truly felt the stress and restricted space to discuss about such heavy topics with family and friends.
It also depicts that all of us are the culprits of social problems. The book depicts that the society often quickly blame female victims of sexual assault and rape without understanding the context. A newly-wed lady, Xu Yi-wen got abused by her husband whenever he is drunk. Even though the whole neighborhood know about it, they choose to remain silent, because it's other people's business. Therefore, social problems that keep on happening from the past till now is because all of us enjoy being a bystander.
“運用一個妳其實並不懂的詞，這根本是犯罪，就像一個人心中沒有愛卻說我愛妳一樣。”
The author also questioned the power of words and literature. The teacher, Liu Guo-hua often uses poetic words to seduce and prey on young girls. The book also mentioned that he enjoy practicing quotes that he learn from reading various literature on different young girls. In an interview, the author, Lin Yi-han mentioned that the news of V.S Naipul sexually abused his wife shocked her. As a reader, we often believe that writing comes from the soul of a person and depicts the true nature. However, literature also had the power to misled us into false perception. Fang Si-chi falls in love with the words of Liu Guo-hua over and over again, even though she knows that all of it were lies. Therefore, Lin Yi-han wanted to write a book to discuss about the danger of words and literature.
"她恍然覺得不是學文學的人，而是文學辜負了她們。"
Overall, this book is a masterpiece. I gave it a 4 stars because I couldn't grasp the hidden meaning of every words and sentences due to my poor Mandarin. There are many lyrical sentences and symbolic that flew through my head. I also found the character of Liu Yi-ting retarded and dumb. A high school student got jealous because her favourite teacher sexually abuse her friend? If it's a primary school kid, I still can understand it, but a high school student that is going to graduate?
Still recommend it. May Lin Yi-han rest in peace and Fang Si-Chi's First Love Paradise continue to spread its important messages to the world.
"我想成为一个对他人的痛苦有更多的想象力的人，我想成为可以告诉那些恨不得得精神病的孩子们这种愿望是不对的那种人，我想要成为可以让无论有钱或没有钱的人都毫无顾忌地去看病的那一种人，我想要成为可以实质上帮助精神病去污名化的那一种人。" -林奕含
November 9, 2019
หลังอ่านจบรู้สึกว่าหนังสือยังไม่สมบูรณ์เท่าไหร่
แต่ก็เพียงพอที่จะได้ 5 คะแนน
จาก insight ที่หวังว่าจะเป็นเพียง second hand experience
เนื้อเรื่องบอกตัวละครหลายคู่ สะท้องสังคมได้ดี
สิ่งที่ดีที่สุดที่คนอ่านแล้วจะเป็นประโยชน์คือ
ไม่ว่าคุณจะอยู่ในสถานการณ์ที่ย่ำแย่แค่ไหน
ถ้าคุณถอยออกมาแล้วมองมันดีๆ
จะมีใครใกล้ๆ ตัวคุณรักคุณเสมอ
น่าเสียดายที่นักเขียนฆ่าตัวตาย
หนังสือเรียบเรียงได้ดี คนแต่งที่อายุเพียง 27 น่าจะไปได้ไกลในแวดวงหนังสือ
การคุยกันของแก๊งอาจารย์ แม่งคือการคุยเรื่องเด็กนักเรียนที่ได้มาว่ากี่คน และเป็นแบบไหนบ้าง
คือการล้อมวงคุยของปีศาจชัดๆ
ในช่วงต้นที่ฝางซือฉียังเป็นเด็กอายุ 13 การบรรยายทำให้รู้สึกว่านี่คือหนังสือวรรณกรรมเยาวชน
(เยาวชนเป็นตัวละครหลัก) ที่โหดร้ายรุนแรงเกินกว่าจะเข้าใจ
ในตอนท้ายมีการ omitted บางส่วนไว้ให้ผู้อ่านจินตนาการเอง ว่าจริงๆ แล้วเกิดอะไรขึ้นกับตัวเอกกันแน่
ซึ่งผลลัพธ์ที่เกิดขึ้นทำให้เราจินตนาการถึงสิ่งที่แย่ที่สุด
ในส่วนนี้จริงๆแล้ว ผู้เขียนอาจเขียนลงไปแล้ว แต่ตัดออก (เพราะโหดร้ายกับผู้อ่านเกินไปและให้ไปจินตนาการเองดีกว่า)
หรือ!!
รุนแรง โหดร้ายเกินไปจนไม่สามารถเขียนได้ตั้งแต่แรก
นานเข้าก็พบว่าผู้หญิงขี้เหร่ที่สุดก็มีด้านที่น่าหลงใหล
ที่สุดเหมือนกันแต่ผมไม่ได้มีใจรักเพื่อนมนุษย์ขนาดนั้น
การกระทำชำเราเด็กผู้หญิงที่เริ่มใส่คุณเป็นหนทางที่เร็วที่สุดที่จะทำให้เธอไม่จากไป ยิ่งเธอก็ติดมากเท่าไหร่เวลาทิ้งเธอก็จะยิ่งเจ็บปวดมากเท่านั้น แรงหนีศูนย์กลางจะรุนแรงและงดงามกว่าปกติเหมือนนางเอกในภาพยนตร์ที่ประคองกล้องวีดีโอยืนอยู่บนพื้นหิมะ
เด็กที่ละเอียดอ่อนเช่นนี้จะไม่พูดอะไรออกไปแน่เพราะมันสกปรกเกินไป
เธอจะฟังหรือไม่ก็ไม่เป็นไรหลีกั๋วหัวคิดว่าตัวเองพูดได้ดีแล้ว ซึ่งเป็นผลลัพธ์จากการสอนหน้าชั้นเรียนเป็นประจำเขารู้ว่าสัปดาห์หน้าเธอจะมาสัปดาห์ต่อๆไปก็เช่นกัน
ซือฉีถูกข่มขืนทำให้ปมของอีเหวินที่ถูกสามีตบตีกลายเป็นเรื่องรองไปทันที ทั้งๆที่ประเด็นหนักพอกัน
เธอถูกชำแรก ถูกทำลาย ถูกบดขยี้แต่อาจารย์บอกว่ารักเธอถ้าเธอรักอาจารย์ด้วยนั่นก็คือความรักการมี Sex มี Sex อย่างสวยงาม
ความสุขของฝางซือฉีคือความสุขยามอาจารย์เค้นเสียงสูงแหลมออกมาจากตัวเธอ คือความสุขเมื่ออาจารย์เห็นเธอปลดปล่อยบนเตียงตามเขา
แม่งล้างสมองเด็กได้เก่งมากโดยไม่ต้องแบล็คเมล์
รู้สึกถึงอารมณ์ร่วมกับตัวร้าย
หนังสือชี้โพรงได้ดีทีเดียว
เพราะหลังผ่านไปไม่นาน เด็กหญิงก้มีอารมณ์ร่วม!!
แม่งสนับสนุนให้ข่มขืนป่ะวะเนี่ย
ไอแนวคิดที่ว่าข่มขืนตอนแรก
ครั้งหลังๆ ผญ จะยอม นี่แม่งคือจริง!?
ความหยิ่งในศักดิ์ศรีนั้นละทิ้งไปนานแล้วหากไม่ปราณีกับตัวเองอีกเธอคงอยู่ต่อไปไม่ได้จริงๆ
ข่มขืนผู้หญิง 1 คนโลกทั้งโลกล้วนรู้สึกว่าเป็นความผิดของเธอเองแม้แต่เธอก็ยังคิดว่าเป็นความผิดของตัวเองความรู้สึกผิดทำให้เธอหวนกลับมาอยู่ข้างๆเขาอีกความรู้สึกผิดคือหมาต้อนแกะอย่างแท้จริง
"ต่อไปได้เจอผู้ชายดีๆก็ไปกับเขาเถอะ" ทุกครั้งที่ซือฉีได้ยินจะประหลาดใจมาก
มโนเอาเองชัดๆว่านี่คือเมตตาธรรม คุณทำกับร่างกายหนูเช่นนี้จะให้หนูเชื่อว่าบนโลกนี้ยังมีความรักอีกหรือ
อ่านถึง กลางเล่มแล้วมีความรักของคุณเหมาเหมากับอีเหวิน มาปลอบประโลมใจให้เนื้อหาไม่เข้มหนักจนเกินไป
นอกจากมีความรู้เกี่ยวกับวรรณกรรมแล้วยังมีความรู้เรื่องอัญมณี
รักสิคนที่ครูรักมากที่สุดบนโลกใบนี้ก็คือเธอไม่เคยคิดเลยว่าจะมาเจอคนรู้ใจในตอนที่อายุมากแล้ว รักเธอมากกว่าลูกเสียอีกไม่ได้รู้สึกผิดกับลูกสาวด้วยมันเป็นความผิดของเธอเธอช่างสวยเหลือเกิน
ความงดงามมักเป็นความโดดเดี่ยว ในความรักครั้งนี้เธอหาตัวเองไม่พบ ความโดดเดี่ยวของเธอไม่ใช่ความโดดเดี่ยวของคนคนเดียว แต่เป็นความโดดเดี่ยวที่ไม่มีใครเลย
(แม้กระทั่งตัวเธอ)
เหมาเหมา : ทั่วทั้งตัวเขากำลังน้ำตาไหล มีเพียงดวงตาเท่านั้นที่ไม่มีน้ำตา
หนูรู้ว่าบนโลกนี้ความสุขของหนูมันไม่ใช่ความสุข
ผู้คนต่างสนุกอยู่กับการลอยฟ้า แต่รถไฟเหาะไม่เข้าใจความสนุกสนานของการลอยฟ้าและไม่เข้าใจความสนุกของผู้คน
ตอนแรกครูแค่แสดงออกถึงความรักอย่างหยาบโลนไปหน่อย
ได้ฟังคำตอบก็รู้สึกพอใจ ไม่มีใครรู้จักใช้คำพูดได้เก่งเท่าเขา
แต่ก็เพียงพอที่จะได้ 5 คะแนน
จาก insight ที่หวังว่าจะเป็นเพียง second hand experience
เนื้อเรื่องบอกตัวละครหลายคู่ สะท้องสังคมได้ดี
สิ่งที่ดีที่สุดที่คนอ่านแล้วจะเป็นประโยชน์คือ
ไม่ว่าคุณจะอยู่ในสถานการณ์ที่ย่ำแย่แค่ไหน
ถ้าคุณถอยออกมาแล้วมองมันดีๆ
จะมีใครใกล้ๆ ตัวคุณรักคุณเสมอ
น่าเสียดายที่นักเขียนฆ่าตัวตาย
หนังสือเรียบเรียงได้ดี คนแต่งที่อายุเพียง 27 น่าจะไปได้ไกลในแวดวงหนังสือ
การคุยกันของแก๊งอาจารย์ แม่งคือการคุยเรื่องเด็กนักเรียนที่ได้มาว่ากี่คน และเป็นแบบไหนบ้าง
คือการล้อมวงคุยของปีศาจชัดๆ
ในช่วงต้นที่ฝางซือฉียังเป็นเด็กอายุ 13 การบรรยายทำให้รู้สึกว่านี่คือหนังสือวรรณกรรมเยาวชน
(เยาวชนเป็นตัวละครหลัก) ที่โหดร้ายรุนแรงเกินกว่าจะเข้าใจ
ในตอนท้ายมีการ omitted บางส่วนไว้ให้ผู้อ่านจินตนาการเอง ว่าจริงๆ แล้วเกิดอะไรขึ้นกับตัวเอกกันแน่
ซึ่งผลลัพธ์ที่เกิดขึ้นทำให้เราจินตนาการถึงสิ่งที่แย่ที่สุด
ในส่วนนี้จริงๆแล้ว ผู้เขียนอาจเขียนลงไปแล้ว แต่ตัดออก (เพราะโหดร้ายกับผู้อ่านเกินไปและให้ไปจินตนาการเองดีกว่า)
หรือ!!
รุนแรง โหดร้ายเกินไปจนไม่สามารถเขียนได้ตั้งแต่แรก
นานเข้าก็พบว่าผู้หญิงขี้เหร่ที่สุดก็มีด้านที่น่าหลงใหล
ที่สุดเหมือนกันแต่ผมไม่ได้มีใจรักเพื่อนมนุษย์ขนาดนั้น
การกระทำชำเราเด็กผู้หญิงที่เริ่มใส่คุณเป็นหนทางที่เร็วที่สุดที่จะทำให้เธอไม่จากไป ยิ่งเธอก็ติดมากเท่าไหร่เวลาทิ้งเธอก็จะยิ่งเจ็บปวดมากเท่านั้น แรงหนีศูนย์กลางจะรุนแรงและงดงามกว่าปกติเหมือนนางเอกในภาพยนตร์ที่ประคองกล้องวีดีโอยืนอยู่บนพื้นหิมะ
เด็กที่ละเอียดอ่อนเช่นนี้จะไม่พูดอะไรออกไปแน่เพราะมันสกปรกเกินไป
เธอจะฟังหรือไม่ก็ไม่เป็นไรหลีกั๋วหัวคิดว่าตัวเองพูดได้ดีแล้ว ซึ่งเป็นผลลัพธ์จากการสอนหน้าชั้นเรียนเป็นประจำเขารู้ว่าสัปดาห์หน้าเธอจะมาสัปดาห์ต่อๆไปก็เช่นกัน
ซือฉีถูกข่มขืนทำให้ปมของอีเหวินที่ถูกสามีตบตีกลายเป็นเรื่องรองไปทันที ทั้งๆที่ประเด็นหนักพอกัน
เธอถูกชำแรก ถูกทำลาย ถูกบดขยี้แต่อาจารย์บอกว่ารักเธอถ้าเธอรักอาจารย์ด้วยนั่นก็คือความรักการมี Sex มี Sex อย่างสวยงาม
ความสุขของฝางซือฉีคือความสุขยามอาจารย์เค้นเสียงสูงแหลมออกมาจากตัวเธอ คือความสุขเมื่ออาจารย์เห็นเธอปลดปล่อยบนเตียงตามเขา
แม่งล้างสมองเด็กได้เก่งมากโดยไม่ต้องแบล็คเมล์
รู้สึกถึงอารมณ์ร่วมกับตัวร้าย
หนังสือชี้โพรงได้ดีทีเดียว
เพราะหลังผ่านไปไม่นาน เด็กหญิงก้มีอารมณ์ร่วม!!
แม่งสนับสนุนให้ข่มขืนป่ะวะเนี่ย
ไอแนวคิดที่ว่าข่มขืนตอนแรก
ครั้งหลังๆ ผญ จะยอม นี่แม่งคือจริง!?
ความหยิ่งในศักดิ์ศรีนั้นละทิ้งไปนานแล้วหากไม่ปราณีกับตัวเองอีกเธอคงอยู่ต่อไปไม่ได้จริงๆ
ข่มขืนผู้หญิง 1 คนโลกทั้งโลกล้วนรู้สึกว่าเป็นความผิดของเธอเองแม้แต่เธอก็ยังคิดว่าเป็นความผิดของตัวเองความรู้สึกผิดทำให้เธอหวนกลับมาอยู่ข้างๆเขาอีกความรู้สึกผิดคือหมาต้อนแกะอย่างแท้จริง
"ต่อไปได้เจอผู้ชายดีๆก็ไปกับเขาเถอะ" ทุกครั้งที่ซือฉีได้ยินจะประหลาดใจมาก
มโนเอาเองชัดๆว่านี่คือเมตตาธรรม คุณทำกับร่างกายหนูเช่นนี้จะให้หนูเชื่อว่าบนโลกนี้ยังมีความรักอีกหรือ
อ่านถึง กลางเล่มแล้วมีความรักของคุณเหมาเหมากับอีเหวิน มาปลอบประโลมใจให้เนื้อหาไม่เข้มหนักจนเกินไป
นอกจากมีความรู้เกี่ยวกับวรรณกรรมแล้วยังมีความรู้เรื่องอัญมณี
รักสิคนที่ครูรักมากที่สุดบนโลกใบนี้ก็คือเธอไม่เคยคิดเลยว่าจะมาเจอคนรู้ใจในตอนที่อายุมากแล้ว รักเธอมากกว่าลูกเสียอีกไม่ได้รู้สึกผิดกับลูกสาวด้วยมันเป็นความผิดของเธอเธอช่างสวยเหลือเกิน
ความงดงามมักเป็นความโดดเดี่ยว ในความรักครั้งนี้เธอหาตัวเองไม่พบ ความโดดเดี่ยวของเธอไม่ใช่ความโดดเดี่ยวของคนคนเดียว แต่เป็นความโดดเดี่ยวที่ไม่มีใครเลย
(แม้กระทั่งตัวเธอ)
เหมาเหมา : ทั่วทั้งตัวเขากำลังน้ำตาไหล มีเพียงดวงตาเท่านั้นที่ไม่มีน้ำตา
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June 18, 2024блин как мне сложно с подобными книгами
that’s some really heavy shit
that’s some really heavy shit
August 25, 2021
房思琪的初恋是李老师。
那年的教师节，房思琪十三岁。李老师呢，三十七。是，大她三十七岁。
台湾高雄，房思琪住在一栋金碧辉煌的高级公寓里，美好的脸蛋就像伸手可见的未来般光明。搬进来一户新邻居，男主人已婚，有一个女儿，一家三口。是有名的国文教师，叫李国华。
李老师说思琪的程度这么好，不如每个礼拜交一篇作文给他，不收批改费。房思琪听话地下楼了。她下楼，李老师在家里等她。桌上没有纸笔。
“我下楼拿作文给李老师改。他掏出来，我被逼到涂在墙上。老师说了九个字：“不行的话，嘴巴可以吧。”我说了五个字：“不行，我不会。”他就塞进来。那感觉像溺水。可以说话之后，我对老师说：“对不起。”有一种功课做不好的感觉。虽然也不是我的功课。那天，我隔着老师的肩头看天花板起伏，像海哭。”
为什么是“我不会”？为什么不是“我不要”？为什么不是“不可以”？简化后便成了一幕。他硬插进来，而她为此道歉。
于是施暴者成了理直气壮，而受害者则背负上了道德的痛苦枷锁。说什么都是自己错。一个女孩子，被人强奸了，她的贞操不出于自己意愿地被人剥夺。而这一定全部是她的错。十三岁就敢引诱有家室的老师，就敢同老师谈恋爱，在床上呻吟喘息摆出成年人的姿态这一定全部都是她的错。房思琪的自尊心不允许她将这一切说出去，一个生活优渥长相精致的小孩是不会说出去的，因为这太脏了。自尊心缝起了她的嘴，老师口口声声说教般的爱封起了她的精神，被撕开被进入的身体放弃了申诉的权利。
视而不见。周围的人视而不见。没有人会相信年届五十的国文名师会对十三岁的小女孩伸出手，从十三岁到十八岁，整整五年。父母也不相信，在房思琪小心翼翼提起两次话头的时候连父母也不相信。
被自己的自尊心折磨，被老师的进入折磨，被最好朋友的不理解和谩骂折磨，想不通说不出的脏，于是全部忘记就好了。老师撕开身体的时候，就放空自己，精神断层之后就会不那么痛苦。于是一次次，于是再一次放空精神之后它再也没能回来。房思琪疯了。
有人说房思琪是斯德哥尔摩综合症，居然爱上了强暴她的老师。但是，她怎么还能感受爱呢，她根本没办法去体验世俗日常的爱。房思琪的声音一遍遍回响，“你在我身上这样，你要我相信这世间还有恋爱？你要我假装不知道世界上有被撕开的女孩，在校园里跟人家手牵手逛操场？你能命令我的脑子不要每天梦到你，直梦到我害怕睡觉？你要一个好男生接受我这样的女生——就连我自己也接受不了自己？你要我在对你的爱之外学会另一种爱？”
有年轻的男生，大把大把的，成打成打的，年轻的男生们向房思琪表白，说他们有多迷恋她。说她是污秽世界里唯一的清濯，说她是犊羊，是纯净是无辜。
可她说自己是馊掉的柳丁汁和浓汤，是爬满虫卵的玫瑰和百合。
她只能去爱老师，爱这头亲手撕开她进入她毁掉她的兽，她只能选择去爱。“你爱的人要对你做什么都可以，不是吗？思想是一种多么伟大的东西！我是从前的我的赝品。我要爱老师，否则我太痛苦了。”
我不想用小说作者林奕含的经历去解读《房》，不想���多去探究小说中那些被施暴的女孩子们，哪些是林的化身，哪些是林期盼过的未来， 哪些是林的黑暗或光明，那样实在是更加难以承受的心凉。但，但哪怕只用阅读虚构故事的眼光去读，仍是止不住。
这个世界的规则有时候是不可思议的。被伤害的人被责怪，加害者却高枕无忧。自诩文明的时间中却滴答流淌着野兽的生存规则，想想无法忍受。《房思琪》的作者是写出来了。才被体会却仍无可挽回。还有那么多女孩子。那么多那么多，被伤害，被强迫被施暴被控制到扭曲破碎崩坏，却为了自己的被伤害而感到抱歉，觉得是自己不配得到爱。
作者林奕含借小说的口，在最后这样说。“忍耐不是美德，把忍耐当成美德是这个伪善的世界维持它扭曲的秩序的方式，生气才是美德。”
而这已是她的遗作了。自杀前八天，她接受采访时说，这个故事折磨、摧毁了我一生。91年出生的女孩子，永远停留在2017。
温柔的软香的美好的女孩子们啊，你们不要去读原著了。不想你们看完如此难过，对世界的期望被透顶失望绝望浇成畏缩。
我看书速度一向快，一目十行就能记住大半。这本书用了整整两天。
我是一个，读书时候会加入自己好恶的人。尤其忍不住爱在读书的过程中寻找共情。哪怕是一点点情感体验的相似，都会代入进去借以观己。但是这本书里完全没有。找不到。初夏的白日里我伏在窄小的桌上，背后沁一片黏腻的汗，缓过神来冰冰凉贴在身上。只觉得冷。
有喧哗，日头透过绿到透明的叶在白墙上洒光斑，有女孩子欢乐的笑，和心爱的人手牵手在阳光里走。被收割后青草的香味，喷泉里水的香味，擦身而过姑娘后颈迷雾般的香味。
这个世界没有污秽。在明面上的生活里，它们被默认不存在。没有失焦的瞳孔，也没有被按在墙上用喉吞咽的绝望，没有未尝过爱的味道却要去爱的强迫。
哗啦啦，大雨冲刷，痛苦们合上了喑哑的口，起身，世人看到的仍是一张羔羊般纯洁的脸。
那年的教师节，房思琪十三岁。李老师呢，三十七。是，大她三十七岁。
台湾高雄，房思琪住在一栋金碧辉煌的高级公寓里，美好的脸蛋就像伸手可见的未来般光明。搬进来一户新邻居，男主人已婚，有一个女儿，一家三口。是有名的国文教师，叫李国华。
李老师说思琪的程度这么好，不如每个礼拜交一篇作文给他，不收批改费。房思琪听话地下楼了。她下楼，李老师在家里等她。桌上没有纸笔。
“我下楼拿作文给李老师改。他掏出来，我被逼到涂在墙上。老师说了九个字：“不行的话，嘴巴可以吧。”我说了五个字：“不行，我不会。”他就塞进来。那感觉像溺水。可以说话之后，我对老师说：“对不起。”有一种功课做不好的感觉。虽然也不是我的功课。那天，我隔着老师的肩头看天花板起伏，像海哭。”
为什么是“我不会”？为什么不是“我不要”？为什么不是“不可以”？简化后便成了一幕。他硬插进来，而她为此道歉。
于是施暴者成了理直气壮，而受害者则背负上了道德的痛苦枷锁。说什么都是自己错。一个女孩子，被人强奸了，她的贞操不出于自己意愿地被人剥夺。而这一定全部是她的错。十三岁就敢引诱有家室的老师，就敢同老师谈恋爱，在床上呻吟喘息摆出成年人的姿态这一定全部都是她的错。房思琪的自尊心不允许她将这一切说出去，一个生活优渥长相精致的小孩是不会说出去的，因为这太脏了。自尊心缝起了她的嘴，老师口口声声说教般的爱封起了她的精神，被撕开被进入的身体放弃了申诉的权利。
视而不见。周围的人视而不见。没有人会相信年届五十的国文名师会对十三岁的小女孩伸出手，从十三岁到十八岁，整整五年。父母也不相信，在房思琪小心翼翼提起两次话头的时候连父母也不相信。
被自己的自尊心折磨，被老师的进入折磨，被最好朋友的不理解和谩骂折磨，想不通说不出的脏，于是全部忘记就好了。老师撕开身体的时候，就放空自己，精神断层之后就会不那么痛苦。于是一次次，于是再一次放空精神之后它再也没能回来。房思琪疯了。
有人说房思琪是斯德哥尔摩综合症，居然爱上了强暴她的老师。但是，她怎么还能感受爱呢，她根本没办法去体验世俗日常的爱。房思琪的声音一遍遍回响，“你在我身上这样，你要我相信这世间还有恋爱？你要我假装不知道世界上有被撕开的女孩，在校园里跟人家手牵手逛操场？你能命令我的脑子不要每天梦到你，直梦到我害怕睡觉？你要一个好男生接受我这样的女生——就连我自己也接受不了自己？你要我在对你的爱之外学会另一种爱？”
有年轻的男生，大把大把的，成打成打的，年轻的男生们向房思琪表白，说他们有多迷恋她。说她是污秽世界里唯一的清濯，说她是犊羊，是纯净是无辜。
可她说自己是馊掉的柳丁汁和浓汤，是爬满虫卵的玫瑰和百合。
她只能去爱老师，爱这头亲手撕开她进入她毁掉她的兽，她只能选择去爱。“你爱的人要对你做什么都可以，不是吗？思想是一种多么伟大的东西！我是从前的我的赝品。我要爱老师，否则我太痛苦了。”
我不想用小说作者林奕含的经历去解读《房》，不想���多去探究小说中那些被施暴的女孩子们，哪些是林的化身，哪些是林期盼过的未来， 哪些是林的黑暗或光明，那样实在是更加难以承受的心凉。但，但哪怕只用阅读虚构故事的眼光去读，仍是止不住。
这个世界的规则有时候是不可思议的。被伤害的人被责怪，加害者却高枕无忧。自诩文明的时间中却滴答流淌着野兽的生存规则，想想无法忍受。《房思琪》的作者是写出来了。才被体会却仍无可挽回。还有那么多女孩子。那么多那么多，被伤害，被强迫被施暴被控制到扭曲破碎崩坏，却为了自己的被伤害而感到抱歉，觉得是自己不配得到爱。
作者林奕含借小说的口，在最后这样说。“忍耐不是美德，把忍耐当成美德是这个伪善的世界维持它扭曲的秩序的方式，生气才是美德。”
而这已是她的遗作了。自杀前八天，她接受采访时说，这个故事折磨、摧毁了我一生。91年出生的女孩子，永远停留在2017。
温柔的软香的美好的女孩子们啊，你们不要去读原著了。不想你们看完如此难过，对世界的期望被透顶失望绝望浇成畏缩。
我看书速度一向快，一目十行就能记住大半。这本书用了整整两天。
我是一个，读书时候会加入自己好恶的人。尤其忍不住爱在读书的过程中寻找共情。哪怕是一点点情感体验的相似，都会代入进去借以观己。但是这本书里完全没有。找不到。初夏的白日里我伏在窄小的桌上，背后沁一片黏腻的汗，缓过神来冰冰凉贴在身上。只觉得冷。
有喧哗，日头透过绿到透明的叶在白墙上洒光斑，有女孩子欢乐的笑，和心爱的人手牵手在阳光里走。被收割后青草的香味，喷泉里水的香味，擦身而过姑娘后颈迷雾般的香味。
这个世界没有污秽。在明面上的生活里，它们被默认不存在。没有失焦的瞳孔，也没有被按在墙上用喉吞咽的绝望，没有未尝过爱的味道却要去爱的强迫。
哗啦啦，大雨冲刷，痛苦们合上了喑哑的口，起身，世人看到的仍是一张羔羊般纯洁的脸。
May 21, 2023
4,25
To naprawdę boleśnie smutna książka. O oprawcy, którym nie tylko jest pojedynczy człowiek, ale cały system i społeczeństwo. O ofiarach, które w oczach innych wcale nimi nie są, bo „również” ponoszą winę w zaistniałej sytuacji. O utraconej młodości i miłości. O zatraceniu. O czystej manipulacji. O stracie. O bezsilności.
Ona krzyczy. Bezgłośnie.
Napisana ciężko, pełna odniesień do innych utworów literackich. Jest niewygodna, dusi czytelnika, a jednak coś w niej sprawia, że chcemy poznać całość.
Bardzo poruszył mnie również końcowy „wywiad-monolog” autorki. Warto zwrócić na niego uwagę. Z pewnością tę część przeczytam jeszcze raz by lepiej odnaleźć się w myślach przelanych przez autorkę.
To naprawdę boleśnie smutna książka. O oprawcy, którym nie tylko jest pojedynczy człowiek, ale cały system i społeczeństwo. O ofiarach, które w oczach innych wcale nimi nie są, bo „również” ponoszą winę w zaistniałej sytuacji. O utraconej młodości i miłości. O zatraceniu. O czystej manipulacji. O stracie. O bezsilności.
Ona krzyczy. Bezgłośnie.
Napisana ciężko, pełna odniesień do innych utworów literackich. Jest niewygodna, dusi czytelnika, a jednak coś w niej sprawia, że chcemy poznać całość.
Bardzo poruszył mnie również końcowy „wywiad-monolog” autorki. Warto zwrócić na niego uwagę. Z pewnością tę część przeczytam jeszcze raz by lepiej odnaleźć się w myślach przelanych przez autorkę.
May 7, 2020
林奕含《房思琪的初戀樂園》
隔了兩年重看這本書，不知為何覺得好像不只兩年而已。
不確切記得故事的架構，時間順序，思琪的年紀，但某些時候特別容易想起書裡的某些話。也許是因為時不時就會看到其他人引用。
不太確定第一次閱讀時的狀態，只記得是過年期間，兩天內就把書看完了，幾乎是囫圇吞棗。
這一次慢慢地看書，在之前沒有劃線的地方流淚，對不到十萬字的故事產生更多共鳴。
以為不會再打開這本書，因為太沉重了。但前陣子看到韓國N號房的報導，之後又在噗浪上看到Unarus的噗，以及林奕含的訪談影片，突然就覺得可以重看《房思琪》了，而且覺得這一次，這本書能帶給我一些力量。
就像蔡宜文在書評裡寫的：
我這邊的希望指的並非房思琪或任何角色的「希望」，而是女性知識傳送的「希望」，就好像是前一代攻克魔王失敗的村民還能夠留下一點存檔給下一代。
—
Uranus的噗：
https://www.plurk.com/p/nrxuf9
林奕含的訪談影片：
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2p3qy...
假如你看了我的讀後感想買電子書來看，歡迎使用AP連結購買：
http://moo.im/a/59esCU
隔了兩年重看這本書，不知為何覺得好像不只兩年而已。
不確切記得故事的架構，時間順序，思琪的年紀，但某些時候特別容易想起書裡的某些話。也許是因為時不時就會看到其他人引用。
不太確定第一次閱讀時的狀態，只記得是過年期間，兩天內就把書看完了，幾乎是囫圇吞棗。
這一次慢慢地看書，在之前沒有劃線的地方流淚，對不到十萬字的故事產生更多共鳴。
以為不會再打開這本書，因為太沉重了。但前陣子看到韓國N號房的報導，之後又在噗浪上看到Unarus的噗，以及林奕含的訪談影片，突然就覺得可以重看《房思琪》了，而且覺得這一次，這本書能帶給我一些力量。
就像蔡宜文在書評裡寫的：
我這邊的希望指的並非房思琪或任何角色的「希望」，而是女性知識傳送的「希望」，就好像是前一代攻克魔王失敗的村民還能夠留下一點存檔給下一代。
—
Uranus的噗：
https://www.plurk.com/p/nrxuf9
林奕含的訪談影片：
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2p3qy...
假如你看了我的讀後感想買電子書來看，歡迎使用AP連結購買：
http://moo.im/a/59esCU
May 15, 2023
Trudno jest oceniać książkę, która z założenia jest krzykiem cierpienia. Ciężki do czytania, poszatkowany strumień świadomości, mnóstwo nierówności i niedoskonałości w stylu idealnie pasują do opisanej historii — tragicznej, historii która wyje z bólu. Bo jak inaczej? W końcu zaglądamy do głowy p**ofila i jego ofiary. Po zapoznaniu się z treścią książki posty na Instagramie promujące ją na tle kwiatków i innych ładnych, Instagramowych kompozycji wyglądają jak jedno wielkie nieporozumienie.
January 29, 2018
小说苦我们可以搁下不看，但被强暴的孩子们却有全部的人生需要硬着头皮活下去。林奕含终于了结了自己的生命，但千千万万个房思琪又该怎样做呢。
我是一个幸存者。
我是一个幸存者。
July 17, 2018
I really wish that she is still alive, because I witnessed, learned and absorbed so much knowledge, experience, wisdom from this book. I cannot wait to be surprised by the next book she would have written.
I'm also happy that she's gone, left the mental illness, left the nightmare, left the memory, left the crowd, left this dirty filthy world. She deserves better.
She painted the hell we are living in, the monsters we are walking by, the silent massacre we are listening every single day. No woman cannot hear it. No one who finishes the book cannot hear it.
What's even amazing, along with the battle of mental illness and struggle from the horrible memory, she tried a new way to misuse Chinese words and phrases on purpose and was surprised successful. These well-known words suddenly reflect a different hue, light up subtle feelings in the dark corner which no one dares to touch. She forced people to think about fundamental essence and purchase of Chinese literature and art, what they were for, what they are for, and what roles they have been playing in the Chinese history. She reminded me how beautiful and magical they are and what can be under them.
一声叹息。
I'm also happy that she's gone, left the mental illness, left the nightmare, left the memory, left the crowd, left this dirty filthy world. She deserves better.
She painted the hell we are living in, the monsters we are walking by, the silent massacre we are listening every single day. No woman cannot hear it. No one who finishes the book cannot hear it.
What's even amazing, along with the battle of mental illness and struggle from the horrible memory, she tried a new way to misuse Chinese words and phrases on purpose and was surprised successful. These well-known words suddenly reflect a different hue, light up subtle feelings in the dark corner which no one dares to touch. She forced people to think about fundamental essence and purchase of Chinese literature and art, what they were for, what they are for, and what roles they have been playing in the Chinese history. She reminded me how beautiful and magical they are and what can be under them.
一声叹息。
April 30, 2017
難得從女性/小女孩觀點書寫的蘿莉塔故事。作者極其勇敢的在情慾書寫上寫出了未成年女孩孤立無援之下的生存方式。小女孩心理層面中出現的複雜樣貌又超齡的行為，同時存在的自我放棄、自我說服，既殘酷又真實。作為一本小說代表角色是「虛構」的，而故事卻是真實的。當然也因為知道了作者本身與這故事息息相關，在閱讀時會不禁的想像作品中的幾個主要人物，究竟哪部分是想像的救贖、為了生存在黑暗世界中所希望的那個ˋ ˊ暫時避風港、想成為卻不能成為的、或哪部分是最真實卻最難以相信的、還有多少殘酷是真實世界中發生過卻太殘酷了故事中的角色也只能言而不說的、房思琪的日記裡究竟還記載了什麼太沈重的、以及還有多少其他的小女孩。
最讓人心痛的莫過於房思琪與許多小女孩因為被老師強暴了而決定愛上老師，作為一種讓自己心靈生存下去（卻不是活著）的方式，而偏偏這個唯一短暫的生存方式又是曝光以後會被社會更殘酷對待的選擇。因為社會認為這是不倫，因為社會認為小女孩有情慾就不純潔，社會卻不知道情慾也僅僅只是她/她們活下去的最後一根稻草，認為有所謂普世的道德而所有人都理所當然得服膺於這個規則之下，無論個人所處的位置。最後，就這樣殺死了受害者的靈魂。
那些善的，故事黑暗中的微光，會不會也只是憑藉意志力而生出來的善。
而作為讀者跟隨著作者經驗了也許是真實世界的千分之一的惡，就已無法承受。
也非常非常難過看不到下一本著作了。
最讓人心痛的莫過於房思琪與許多小女孩因為被老師強暴了而決定愛上老師，作為一種讓自己心靈生存下去（卻不是活著）的方式，而偏偏這個唯一短暫的生存方式又是曝光以後會被社會更殘酷對待的選擇。因為社會認為這是不倫，因為社會認為小女孩有情慾就不純潔，社會卻不知道情慾也僅僅只是她/她們活下去的最後一根稻草，認為有所謂普世的道德而所有人都理所當然得服膺於這個規則之下，無論個人所處的位置。最後，就這樣殺死了受害者的靈魂。
那些善的，故事黑暗中的微光，會不會也只是憑藉意志力而生出來的善。
而作為讀者跟隨著作者經驗了也許是真實世界的千分之一的惡，就已無法承受。
也非常非常難過看不到下一本著作了。
December 15, 2021
Интересная книга о том, как насилие влияет на психику. Читать тяжеловато, всё-таки китайский язык в переводе сохраняет особенности, которые русскому человеку не так легко воспринимать, но оно того стоит.
May 23, 2023
I have never annotated and folded as many corners in a book as this
May 27, 2024
* e-ARC gifted by HarperVia and NetGalley *
TWs: sexual violence, child abuse and neglect, sexual grooming of minors, rape, misogyny, domestic violence, suicide
FANG SI-CHI’S FIRST LOVE PARADISE is an important, sensational, but harrowing semi-autobiographical account of sexual violence and contemporary Taiwan’s failure to protect its girls and women. Its message is SO important, but the writing style might not make it as approachable to everyone as it could be.
It is absolutely essential that you check for trigger warnings before reading. Lin’s descriptions of the sexual violence that her female characters experience are graphic to the point of being grotesque, and can be very difficult to bear. However, it is all the more important to not look away during these moments: the intimate and heart-breaking way in which Lin writes these scenes could only be the result of personal experience. In reading these scenes without turning away, we pay homage to Lin’s memory, as well as empathize with the suffering that other victims of sexual violence have faced.
Contrary to what the title suggests, FSCFLP doesn’t just cover the titular character’s grooming and rape over five years. It also gives us the perspectives of other girls or women who are the victims of sexual violence or are affected secondhand by being inadvertent witnesses or enablers of sexual violence. There’s Iwen, a beautiful, well-read women who suffers beatings at the hands of her older husband; Liu Yi-Ting, Fang Si-Chi’s best friend, who unwittingly minimizes Si-Chi’s ordeal; and Guo Hsiao-Chi, another victim of Teacher Lee. We even go inside Teacher Lee’s depraved mind to hear, with horror, how he justifies his actions towards his many, many female students over the decades. In doing so, FSCFLP sacrifices a more traditional narrative to ambitiously provide a stream-of-conscious, panoramic, yet still intimate, view of the results of a society that enables men like Teacher Lee to continue to pray on girls and women.
Lin’s astute observations lay bare the uncomfortable truths about sexual violence in a way that I’ve never before encountered in literature.
On sexual violence and its aftereffects on the victim’s sense of self:
Lin even manages to crawl inside Lee Guo-hua’s depraved mind and write from his perspective. A truly evil yet so normally misogynistic and patriarchal, contemporary man emerges from the difficult-to-read passages:
There are countless moments where both sexual predators and society gaslight victims into thinking that what happened to them is their fault. In doing so, FSCFLP reveals that this is not just the doings of one man to one girl, but a whole society’s culpability in perpetuating a culture of sexual violence and victim-blaming:
Inevitably, heart-breakingly, surrounded by people who don’t believe them, who don’t let them speak, who are quick to cast blame without asking for the whole story, the victims’ only survival mechanism, the only way they can endure without going crazy, is to “love” their abuser:
Unfortunately, the actual writing style of FSCFLP may make the story even less welcoming to readers than the subject matter already is. The book tells us that making metaphors is how Si-Chi attempts to distract herself and make sense of her ordeal, but the sheer amount and absurdity of the figurative language, and how awkwardly it reads in translation (and maybe in the original Mandarin as well? I don’t know) had me laughing at times when I know I should be taking everything seriously:
It’s… a lot. Like in every other sentence. One does not know whether they are actual thoughts (i.e. the coping mechanisms) of the characters, or the result of the author’s wordplay or the translation. That, combined with the subject matter, as well as the everchanging narrative perspective and the lack of a traditional storyline progression, can make FSCFLP quite a challenge to get through.
While I would not call FANG SI-CHI’S FIRST LOVE PARADISE a favorite read, it’s one that is definitely lingering in my mind. In the afterword, Lin Yi-Han writes:
While writing may not have saved her—Lin tragically died by suicide after the original Taiwanese version was published—reading FSCFLP may save others. And that will need to be enough. Believe women. Believe victims.
TWs: sexual violence, child abuse and neglect, sexual grooming of minors, rape, misogyny, domestic violence, suicide
FANG SI-CHI’S FIRST LOVE PARADISE is an important, sensational, but harrowing semi-autobiographical account of sexual violence and contemporary Taiwan’s failure to protect its girls and women. Its message is SO important, but the writing style might not make it as approachable to everyone as it could be.
It is absolutely essential that you check for trigger warnings before reading. Lin’s descriptions of the sexual violence that her female characters experience are graphic to the point of being grotesque, and can be very difficult to bear. However, it is all the more important to not look away during these moments: the intimate and heart-breaking way in which Lin writes these scenes could only be the result of personal experience. In reading these scenes without turning away, we pay homage to Lin’s memory, as well as empathize with the suffering that other victims of sexual violence have faced.
Contrary to what the title suggests, FSCFLP doesn’t just cover the titular character’s grooming and rape over five years. It also gives us the perspectives of other girls or women who are the victims of sexual violence or are affected secondhand by being inadvertent witnesses or enablers of sexual violence. There’s Iwen, a beautiful, well-read women who suffers beatings at the hands of her older husband; Liu Yi-Ting, Fang Si-Chi’s best friend, who unwittingly minimizes Si-Chi’s ordeal; and Guo Hsiao-Chi, another victim of Teacher Lee. We even go inside Teacher Lee’s depraved mind to hear, with horror, how he justifies his actions towards his many, many female students over the decades. In doing so, FSCFLP sacrifices a more traditional narrative to ambitiously provide a stream-of-conscious, panoramic, yet still intimate, view of the results of a society that enables men like Teacher Lee to continue to pray on girls and women.
Lin’s astute observations lay bare the uncomfortable truths about sexual violence in a way that I’ve never before encountered in literature.
On sexual violence and its aftereffects on the victim’s sense of self:
“Every time Si-Chi felt this way about a boy her age, she imagined her diary surfacing on her skin and tattooing her with its words.”
“She wanted to trample herself. She spent half of her life accepting a demon, but that demon had forsaken her. She realized that the filthiest thing was not filth itself; it was more about how even filth became disgusted by her.”
“Maybe this [miscarriage] was destined to happen. I don’t want to see a baby born to a family like ours. The baby’s good, too good for me.”
“When spending time with Lee Guo-Hua, Hsiao-Chi had once thought that even if she equally divided her pain and gave a piece to every person living on Earth, all of them would be in so much pain that they wouldn’t be able to catch their breath.”
Lin even manages to crawl inside Lee Guo-hua’s depraved mind and write from his perspective. A truly evil yet so normally misogynistic and patriarchal, contemporary man emerges from the difficult-to-read passages:
“[They] would understand many years later that Teacher Lee had intentionally made [his daughter] stupid because he knew very well what a highly literate person could do to him.”
“He shot his whole load into those beautiful girls: the grandiose climax, the seduction of the epics, and the glorious ideology of getting into the right college.”
“The English teacher would never understand the eternal peace Lee Guo-Hua felt when he first heard that a girl he slept with died by suicide…. To end your life for a man was the greatest compliment you could give to him.”
There are countless moments where both sexual predators and society gaslight victims into thinking that what happened to them is their fault. In doing so, FSCFLP reveals that this is not just the doings of one man to one girl, but a whole society’s culpability in perpetuating a culture of sexual violence and victim-blaming:
“'I heard there’s a student who’s in a relationship with a teacher.’ ‘Who?’ ‘I don’t know her.’ ‘Already a seductress at such a young age.’”
“I love you, but I also feel guilty. Can you stop making me feel this way? I’m sick.”
“It’s all your fault. You’re too beautiful…”
“Don’t ever give me a reason to stop loving you, okay?”
Inevitably, heart-breakingly, surrounded by people who don’t believe them, who don’t let them speak, who are quick to cast blame without asking for the whole story, the victims’ only survival mechanism, the only way they can endure without going crazy, is to “love” their abuser:
“If I gave up on myself first, then he wouldn’t be able to abandon me again. We said we’d love the teacher anyway. Your lover can do whatever he wants to you, can’t he?”
“Nobody liked [her] anymore. But if Teacher still liked her, that counted for something. She would do anything for Teacher.”
Unfortunately, the actual writing style of FSCFLP may make the story even less welcoming to readers than the subject matter already is. The book tells us that making metaphors is how Si-Chi attempts to distract herself and make sense of her ordeal, but the sheer amount and absurdity of the figurative language, and how awkwardly it reads in translation (and maybe in the original Mandarin as well? I don’t know) had me laughing at times when I know I should be taking everything seriously:
“…a sea cucumber lay on the big porcelain plate like a long turd deep in the toilet that the maid had scrubbed to a brilliant shine.”
“The bitter wind pierced her face like an acupuncture treatment that a nonbeliever in Chinese medicine might resort to after no success with Western medicine.”
“…her forehead was as full as a burp from a satisfied baby.”
“Her heart was as desolate as the empty desk.”
“Her eyelashes resembled Marie Antoinette’s favored fan.”
It’s… a lot. Like in every other sentence. One does not know whether they are actual thoughts (i.e. the coping mechanisms) of the characters, or the result of the author’s wordplay or the translation. That, combined with the subject matter, as well as the everchanging narrative perspective and the lack of a traditional storyline progression, can make FSCFLP quite a challenge to get through.
While I would not call FANG SI-CHI’S FIRST LOVE PARADISE a favorite read, it’s one that is definitely lingering in my mind. In the afterword, Lin Yi-Han writes:
“Literature is the most useless thing and the funniest kind of uselessness. I’ve written so much, and yet I can’t save anyone. I can’t even save myself.”
While writing may not have saved her—Lin tragically died by suicide after the original Taiwanese version was published—reading FSCFLP may save others. And that will need to be enough. Believe women. Believe victims.
December 8, 2024
czulam sie brudna podczas lektury tej ksiazki. wywolala u mnie mase emocji, a przede wszystkim ogromne poczucie niesprawiedliwosci. wstrzasajaca, bolesna i niezwykle okrutna opowiesc.
October 1, 2024
"Ugliness and evil were a kind of knowledge, and they were very different from my knowledge of beauty, which kept regressing. But the former is irreversible...I could forget ugliness and evil, but they would never forget me"
Branded as the most influential book of Taiwan’s #MeToo movement, Fang Si-Chi's First Love Paradise (房思琪的初恋乐园, written by 林奕含 in Chinese and translated by Jenna Tang) is the author's semi-autobiographical story about 13-year-old Fang Si-Chi (who has a vast interest and love in literature), who was groomed by her middle-aged tutor/neighbor/cram-school instructor, Teacher Lee (Lee Guo-Hua). She was seduced, manipulated, sexually abused, coerced, and subjected to several sexual violence by Teacher Lee, to an extent where Fang Si-Chi attempted to persuade herself that, this was the kind of "love" that was outlined in all the literary books that she has read, and that she is in love with Teacher Lee. The novel opens in a unique format, where it was initially written from the perspective of Liu Yi-Ting, Fang Si-Chi’s best friend, and then a switch to Fang Si-Chi's perspective (when Liu Yi-Ting read Fang Si-Chi's diary, which outlined her encounter and experience with Teacher Lee). When Fang Si-Chi descended into severe mental illness, her friendship with Hsu Iwen (also her neighbor, who was abused and beaten by her husband) somehow provided her solace but not convincing enough to reveal her toxic relationship with Techer Lee to Hsu Iwen. What makes it even more harrowing is the fact that the author (only 26 years old at that time) killed herself shortly after the publication of the book, which rendered this fictionalised story a painful and an impactful read.
To state the obvious, Lin Yi-Han's prose in exploring her own sexual abuse experience is heart wrenching and unflinching. It also serves as a critique towards Taiwan's social norms in handling the issue of abuse faced by women, which somehow rooted from Taiwan's education system. That aside, what puzzled me is her ample references to quotes from writers and literary works, especially their worldview on "love". While it is apparent that Fang Si-Chi is attempting to understand the true meaning of "love" (in the midst of her experience with Teacher Lee) through these literary references, the quote "She suddenly realized that wasn't the fault of people who learn literature; rather, literature itself let them down" made me wonder what would be the role of these literary references in this story. I then encountered Lin's video explaining the bigger picture of this novel: her critique and observations vis-a-vis the downfall of art and literature, which became tools of seduction by perpetrators (resulting in the perpetuation of the facade nature of art and literature, reducing them into mere eloquent words), rendering some form of betrayal of the true spirit and intent of art and literature. The blend between her own sexual abuse experience with her world view on art and literature left me in awe. The mirror characters i.e. Teacher Lee and Mr MaoMao (who developed some form of romantic relationship with Hsu Iwen) serves as an amplification of this world view, where Mr MaoMao represents the true spirit of art and literature that Lin always encountered in her study on literature. Without a doubt, this is a 5/5 star and an important read!
Branded as the most influential book of Taiwan’s #MeToo movement, Fang Si-Chi's First Love Paradise (房思琪的初恋乐园, written by 林奕含 in Chinese and translated by Jenna Tang) is the author's semi-autobiographical story about 13-year-old Fang Si-Chi (who has a vast interest and love in literature), who was groomed by her middle-aged tutor/neighbor/cram-school instructor, Teacher Lee (Lee Guo-Hua). She was seduced, manipulated, sexually abused, coerced, and subjected to several sexual violence by Teacher Lee, to an extent where Fang Si-Chi attempted to persuade herself that, this was the kind of "love" that was outlined in all the literary books that she has read, and that she is in love with Teacher Lee. The novel opens in a unique format, where it was initially written from the perspective of Liu Yi-Ting, Fang Si-Chi’s best friend, and then a switch to Fang Si-Chi's perspective (when Liu Yi-Ting read Fang Si-Chi's diary, which outlined her encounter and experience with Teacher Lee). When Fang Si-Chi descended into severe mental illness, her friendship with Hsu Iwen (also her neighbor, who was abused and beaten by her husband) somehow provided her solace but not convincing enough to reveal her toxic relationship with Techer Lee to Hsu Iwen. What makes it even more harrowing is the fact that the author (only 26 years old at that time) killed herself shortly after the publication of the book, which rendered this fictionalised story a painful and an impactful read.
To state the obvious, Lin Yi-Han's prose in exploring her own sexual abuse experience is heart wrenching and unflinching. It also serves as a critique towards Taiwan's social norms in handling the issue of abuse faced by women, which somehow rooted from Taiwan's education system. That aside, what puzzled me is her ample references to quotes from writers and literary works, especially their worldview on "love". While it is apparent that Fang Si-Chi is attempting to understand the true meaning of "love" (in the midst of her experience with Teacher Lee) through these literary references, the quote "She suddenly realized that wasn't the fault of people who learn literature; rather, literature itself let them down" made me wonder what would be the role of these literary references in this story. I then encountered Lin's video explaining the bigger picture of this novel: her critique and observations vis-a-vis the downfall of art and literature, which became tools of seduction by perpetrators (resulting in the perpetuation of the facade nature of art and literature, reducing them into mere eloquent words), rendering some form of betrayal of the true spirit and intent of art and literature. The blend between her own sexual abuse experience with her world view on art and literature left me in awe. The mirror characters i.e. Teacher Lee and Mr MaoMao (who developed some form of romantic relationship with Hsu Iwen) serves as an amplification of this world view, where Mr MaoMao represents the true spirit of art and literature that Lin always encountered in her study on literature. Without a doubt, this is a 5/5 star and an important read!
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