After the Fight: Using Your Disagreements to Build a Stronger Relationship

by Daniel B. Wile

What do partners do after a fight? If they're like most people, they "I'm sorry. I had a bad day and I took it out on you." Or, they wake up the next morning and pretend that nothing happened, hoping their partner will do the same. In neither case do they talk about the fight. They're too afraid that doing so will simply rekindle it--and they're right; it probably would. But since they don't talk about the fight, nothing ever really gets resolved.

Daniel B. Wile, author of Couples Therapy and After the Honeymoon, devotes this entire book to an analysis of a single night in the life of a couple, Marie and Paul. By tapping into their self-talk (their ongoing conversations with themselves), he discovers what starts, escalates, and rekindles fights--and also, what potentially allows for a useful conversation about a fight. Wile reveals the half-thoughts and half-feelings that generally go the anxious flashes; depressive waves; two-second, self-directed diatribes; and two-second mental divorces.

Genres: Psychology, Marriage, Relationships

326 pages, Paperback

First published August 13, 1993

Reviews

[Bob Price · Rating 5 out of 5]

Some one once commented that more couples get divorced after they go to marriage counseling. That maybe the case, but I wonder if it's because they have not been able to get counseling from some one like Dan Wile.

Wile is known for his Collaborative Couples counseling, and many of the insights and skills he develops there are on display here. In After the Fight, the reader spends time analyzing a typical fight between an imaginary couple. Analyzing it from all angles, Wile then proceeds to help the therapist develop skills to help the couple realize that they are fighting and to capitalize on it.

What sets Wile apart from others in the Marriage field is that he is willing to see things from different perspectives. Wile is not tied to one theory, but rather uses various theories to get the clients on the platform to help them see how they are interacting.

Wile's writing is clear and understandable...and relatable. While discussing the various theories of couples counseling, he does not get bogged down in technical details or lengthy discussions or disagreements. This is a very helpful introductory work to couples' counseling.

I highly recommend this book for counselors, pastors, or anyone who has any stake in marriage counseling.

Grade: A

[Tom · Rating 4 out of 5]

As many have said, the first half is really applicable to most readers, while the second part is more geared towards therapists and counselors. Worth the price of the book alone for the list of defensive reactions in Chapter 10. Valuable for every couple or those in other close relationships where conflict happens (and those who counsel them).

[Ike Unger · Rating 3 out of 5]

There is a lot of great information in this book. I personally did not like the format. Too much time rehashing the same parts of the couples story. If you don’t read the book in one sitting, you can feel a little lost if you don’t remember what Paul and Marie were discussing previously.