The Pandora Problem: Facing Narcissism in Leaders & Ourselves

by E. James Wilder, Jim Wilder

There is Hope for narcissists. Are you ready to open the box?

Most of us are scared to death to lift the lid on the Pandora’s box of narcissism. Dealing with predatory people leaves us intimidated, scared, and hopeless.

In this groundbreaking book, Dr. E. James Wilder rips the cover off the dreaded box and gives us a clear view of both the problem and the surprising solution. Dr. Wilder offers us a new paradigm that moves us away from the individualized therapy model toward the need for identity groups that help each other learn how to love our enemies.

You’ll be highlighting insights in nearly every paragraph as you make your way through this fresh approach to a very old problem.

WATCH THE WEBINAR: Deeper Walk hosted Dr. Jim Wilder to talk about his new book. Access the recording here: https://deeperwalkinternational.org/p...

James Wilder (Ph.D., Clinical Psychology, and MA, Theology, Fuller Theological Seminary) has been training leaders and counselors for thirty years on five continents. He is the author of over ten books with a strong focus on maturity and relational skills for leaders, including his coauthored book Rare Leadership. His coauthored book, Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You has sold over 100,000 copies in eleven languages. Wilder has published numerous articles and developed four sets of video and relational leadership training called THRIVE.

He has extensive clinical counseling experience and is the chief neuro-theologian of Shepherd’s House Inc., a nonprofit working at the intersection of brain science and theology. He is also the lead developer of the Life Model, which is building contagiously healthy Christian communities through equipping existing networks with the skills to thrive.

Genres: Counselling, Psychology, Nonfiction, Christian Living, Christian

310 pages, Kindle Edition

Published January 1, 2019

About the author

This author is also published under the pen name Jim Wilder.

Reviews

[Michel Hendricks · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I first read the title of this book, I didn't understand how narcissism is a Pandora problem. As I waded into Jim Wilder’s explanation, the light came on. If you are living life or working in the presence of a narcissistic leader, it becomes the problem that no one talks about. Everyone thinks about it, but no one will talk about it. With good reason! Talking about it will only make a bad situation worse and will likely jeopardize your job.
Jim Wilder explains that the path to handling narcissism is learning to love our enemies. The same skills and attitudes that help us do that also give us the ability to gently confront a narcissist in a way that looks like Jesus. The problem is, if we are honest, most of us don't know how to love our enemies. I didn’t. Most churches do not teach us how (probably because, like us, most pastors don't know how either). I came away convinced that this should be a part of the curriculum of every church for every follower of Jesus.
Each chapter ends with section containing this very training. I have gone through all 14 chapters of the training with a group of 20+ people in the basement of our home, and it was eye opening and life-changing experience. Much of the work has to do with rooting out the narcissism in my own life. Ouch! This isn't a book to just read; it was written to change our lives. I highly recommend that you read it with a group of friends and do the training together. You will never be the same.

[Raquel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an enlightening book. I was fortunate to take a class on the book taught by Dr. Wilder himself. The book and experience of going through it together in community was as much about building healthy communities as it was about the prevalence of narcissism in our churches and the brokenness that results. I really enjoyed the book and the class and learned a lot along the way.

[Carol Ann · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book took me almost two months to read!

It is such an enlightening book but was hard to get through because it is discouraging to read about the prevalence of narcissism in Christian culture, and it is a big commitment to establish a group identity and love the narcissist. It is also about narcissism in ourselves, and I found the whole concept of "enemy mode" so helpful! I think I will read that book next.

In facing narcissism in our leaders and ourselves we have come to learn six things. Perhaps we knew them all before. There is very little new about these six truths that reflect our identity as the family of God.

1. We are a people.
2. We share the pain of others.
3. We exchange healthy shame messages
4. We combat self-justification.
5. We love our enemies spontaneously.
6. We build loyalty around weakness.

What we have concluded from these six truths can be summarized in two processes:

1. We raise hesed levels (a Hebrew word meaning "love and faithfulness,” “unfailing love,” “faithful love,” “steadfast love,” and “loyal love.”)
2. We lower qasheh levels (a Hebrew word "stiff-necked, hard, cruel, severe, obstinate, difficult, fierce, intense, vehement, stubborn, and rigorous of battle." This is a word for taking glory and avoiding shame.)

Our progress can be measured by one thing.

1. How we love our enemies.


All human brains come wired with the desire to be members of a joyful, peaceful, and protective people. How we love our enemies, therefore, becomes the effective focus for communities who are creating disciples of Jesus.

Born as lions we become as lambs.

(p. 255)

This is a valuable book that I am reading with two wives who are married to probable narcissists. (To clarify, I am not married to one [the antitheses of one, in fact], but for years, God has been putting wives in my path who are married to them, and I think this book is helpful.) It astounds me to read the condemning emails from the pastors to one of the wives who has enabled this behavior in her husband for decades. The message: keep enabling the behavior because that is your duty as a wife.

RUBBISH.

I think anything James Wilder writes is so good for the body of Christ. I started with Renovated and then The Other-Half of Church.

P.S. In the midst of reading this, I had a difficult exchange with a friend of 40+ years, and I applied the principles of this book, despite the potential for "enemy mode," it was so beautiful how the situation turned out.

[Dean Summers · Rating 5 out of 5]

Here is a guide to a fourteen-week group process in learning seven essential skills for becoming a community in which people can experience genuine transformation from spiritual and emotional deprivation and immaturity toward spiritual and emotional healing and maturity:

1) How to build a group identity as a people alive in the Spirit of Jesus—a people that knows the full joy of life together and is a true reflection of God’s love.

2) How to pray in two-way communication with God.

3) How to distinguish healthy shame from toxic shame.

4) How to deliver, and to receive, a healthy shame message.

5) How to recognize self-justification as a shift into enemy mode.

6) How to respond to self-justification in a way that invites healing and wholeness.

7) How to love the enemy.

The Bible is referenced often to provide examples of God’s loving kindness and to provide examples of human openness and human resistance toward God. Dr. Wilder’s use of the Bible, especially his consideration of passages from 2 Samuel and 1 Kings in Chapter 6, reminds me of what David Ben-Gurion said of the Hebrew Scriptures:

“[T]ruth—the bitter truth, completely unbiased—is one of the greatest and most precious characteristics of the Bible.... Truth is the seal of the Almighty, and there are not many books in the world which are impressed with this seal as is the Bible” (Ben-Gurion Looks at the Bible, p. 46).

I highly recommend Dr. Wilder’s The Pandora Problem to anyone interested in living in authentic Christian community and to anyone interested in learning what authentic Christian community is.

Excerpt. "Without transforming power, the Christian life is a miserable way to live and offers little to the world. Without character transformation, we are running out the clock until we die because the Kingdom of God seems ineffective here and now" (p. 17).

[Callahan McIlnay · Rating 5 out of 5]

Surprise!! Narcism is a group identity problem meaning this book is for everyone!! Not just narcissists or people aiming to address narcissists. The solution?? Raise attachment love to God and others, use healthy shame messages (we do not x but we x), drop self justification, love our enemies, and allow grace to reveal who we really (we are special because of what we’ve received).

I will take so many of these strategies into my personal life. Highly recommend!!

[Melissa Stuber · Rating 5 out of 5]

After a very painful encounter with someone I thought was safe, this book came in key to help direct me towards healing. There is a wealth of information in here that will educate you and also Biblical encouragement for setting boundaries and loving someone well, even if it means making some tough choices. This is a book everyone should read, not just those with narcissists in their lives.

[C.A. Cranfill · Rating 5 out of 5]

Challenging

If you have ever desired to lead a healthy movement, this is a must read. Wilder gives practical and biblical advice on creating a culture void of toxic shame and narcissistic personalities.

[Corey D Grinder · Rating 5 out of 5]

A Must Read For Everyone In Leadership

While a painfully challenging read at times, if you are sincere about leading others for what you can give and not just what can get, this book--along with RARE Leadership, co-authored by Dr. Wilder--are must reads.

[Caristy Olson · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a book that just helps you realize that you need people around you who will give you grace and love but also call you out when you make mistakes.

[Cayce · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book takes time to digest but it may be the most important book you read as a leader. Worth the time and even better with a group to discuss. Grateful for the thoughtfulness of the authors.

[Denise · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was recommended to me by a counselor. I had a hard time reading this book and workbook. Other books on narcissism were more helpful to me.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Why is the book titled “The Pandora Problem”? Because a Pandora problem is one that you avoid — if you bring it up, you know there will be a severe price to pay! This is one of the key traits of narcissism — not being able to take any negative message or correction about oneself without becoming hostile. A person stuck in narcissistic thought patterns can actually believe they will die if they receive a negative message about themselves, so negative messages or correction are to be avoided at any price!

Further, in the accompanying class with author Barbara Moon through Deeper Walk International, you will get to study with others some narcissistic individuals through Biblical history and see how God models responding to people behaving in this way. This class helps you gain both compassion and wisdom in dealing with individuals who have made themselves the highest authorities in their world. This is such a vital concept that the Church needs to critically refresh herself on, to be healthy and guard against this heart issue of epidemic proportions.