Why Will No One Play With Me?: Coach your child to overcome social anxiety, peer rejection and bullying - and thrive

by Caroline Maguire

If you’re worried about your child making friends or being bullied, read this book.Every child feels like a social outcast at times — we all have, it’s a badge of growing up. But for some children, a host of factors lead to longer periods of exclusion. It’s heartbreaking to watch but now, renowned education, social skills and ADHD expert, Caroline Maguire, offers clear guidance and support so you can help your child turn things around fast – even in just a few weeks.Bringing together a decade of work with families dealing with chronic social dilemmas, you’ll discover how to use Caroline’s highly effective Play Better Plan to help your child thrive again. Through a series of social strategies and skills including how to target behaviours for change, understanding how children learn and how to choose alternative behaviours, you’ll discover how you can be the best coach for your child and quite literally help them change their life.This book is for every parent who has ever worried about their child fitting it - because no one wants to ever hear their child ask why will no one play with me ?

Genres: Parenting, Adhd, Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Mental Health, Childrens

Kindle Edition

Published October 3, 2019

Reviews

[A. Housewife · Rating 3 out of 5]

The beginning was slow. Dense. I don't like the font. Feel like I'd rather just pay a therapist to handle this. (I don't even know if a therapist can do this, since it's a lot about coaching and the parent sees the situations happening)
Do I really want the information more dumbed down or is this written a bit too clunky? I can't tell.

The EFQ was thorough but daunting. The whole time I was thinking about different people I know who have social difficulties. And it's amazing how the list pinpoints all the lagging skills. It has EIGHT categories of social difficulties. And each category has 9 skills you need to be successful. You rate your child 
5 Almost Never
4 Rarely
3 Sometimes
2 Often
1 Almost Always
For example, one of my children generally gets along but sometimes really doesn't. I could immediately see that he had lagging skills in one entire category on the EFQ. And since I took him to therapy for it, he is now a 3 instead of a 5 in most of those skills.

Other children that I've seen with social difficulties I could also pinpoint where their lagging skills are, based on the questionnaire.

At this point, it feels pretty daunting. And there are SO MANY lagging skills. And SO MUCH to learn and keep track of.

But then the book picks up a LOT at the activities.
(I really liked the Comfort Zone & Reaching New Heights activities.)

I think this book is really excellent in the context of The Science of Awkward, insofar as that book demonstrates scientifically that people with autism or who are "awkward" tend to focus on things that are not social (eg the lights, or a design, or something structural or scientific) and that it takes a lot of brain focus and energy for them to actively place their focus on noticing facial expressions, body language, social cues, etc. Things that neurotypical people notice naturally (they tend to be drawn towards facial and body expressions AND the interactions between many people all at once), for someone neurodivergent in this area it's going to be effortful to focus on all of that, and doing it for more than one person at once is going to be really complicated and draining and not where their attention flows naturally. 
This book does give a tremendous amount of step-by-step activities to help with this. I was hoping that it would be easier to read. Regardless, I will recommend it to people whose children need social skills coaching. I think it is extremely thorough. It looks like it will be a lot of work. But it also looks like it has a lot of the answers of being extremely specific about a child's lagging social skills.

[Charlotte Maguire · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has been so very helpful to me. As a parent of two school-age children who are facing many of the social challenges described by the author, I highly recommend this engaging read. The step by step process outlined is easy to follow and has helped me to get a discussion going with my kids and begin to implement solutions in a language that makes sense to them.

Socializing has become more fun. The kids go on “spy missions” at school and report back to me. We regularly enjoy the challenge of “reading the room” and trying to figure out how we should “filter” our words based on the people who are in the room. We used a pasta strainer to illustrate the filtering of words, as recommended in the book. This brought home the concept of thinking before you speak, which at times is so difficult for my kids.

In a short period of time, this book has helped me teach the kids to become more thoughtful of other people’s feelings and more aware of the social rules that bring about effective interaction with other children and with adults.

If you have kids, you need this book!!

[Aliza · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is a great book I'm sure. It just isn't for me.
Can't fault the ideas or logic or theory but...

1. I found it hard to read and not very engaging. A lot of the first 2 parts were explaining/justifying the actual plan - it might have been better if it was interspersed with the plan.
2. As a full-time working parent there is no way I can find the time to implement this every day when it is a struggle to get my ADHD kid fed, bathed and ready for bed on time
3. Even if I did prioritize the lessons, I just don't see my son agreeing to do these exercises every day, he gets overwhelmed discussing actions to take to get to school on time.

So probably great in theory, great for professionals but not so practical for parents.

[Lauren · Rating 3 out of 5]

“If they could, they would.” This premise gives a path forward for when a child (or an adult!) behaves in ways that result in social difficulties. Rather than blaming (and then shaming, growing frustrated, and giving up), Maguire names the many facets of social interaction that many take for granted, providing examples and activities to open up new social possibilities and develop new social skills. Practical and non-judgmental.

[Cherie Zorn · Rating 2 out of 5]

As a preschool teacher I was looking for some tips, tricks, and maybe even activities to help some of my students who struggle socially. This book is not for children of all ages, I would say probably it is best aimed at ages 6-8. A lot of the higher thinking and writing skills necessary are beyond younger children. This is a great tool for parents with neurodivergent children to specifically work on social skills. My own neurotypical children (ages 6-12) were very interested in the title and to learn more about making friends in general, but they found the exercises rather simple. I also found the heavy reliance on play dates a bit odd as in my experience most kids kind of stop play dates around age 8 or so and start to drift more towards organized sports and clubs. There were a few things I pulled out that I can use, I like the analogy of a parent as a coach. I do not think this book is really designed for all children of all ages though.

[Dustin · Rating 3 out of 5]

Overall this book was pretty good as far as concepts (how to) on what to do, but I would say you will need to contextualize the strategies and tools of this book with also validating the feelings and needs of your child, not just "fitting in" in social situations. It's not a good/healthy approach (IMO) to just plow through into adjusting social behavior without acknowledging their own feelings. The ability to recognize your own feelings (& underlying primary emotions, not just surface feelings) makes all of this even easier too as you can learn to catch yourself when you recognize feelings.

The book does touch on this a little bit, but doesn't really talk about how to proceed with awareness of emotions AND behavioral changes in this coaching process. That's probably beyond the scope of this book, but I do think it's important as a parent to be aware of this in context.

[Tess Young · Rating 4 out of 5]

I will say that I *hate* the name of this book... One of my daughters (who does have friends) has anxiety, and is quite introverted. This book works on skills like reading the room, interpreting when something is sarcasm, etc... Things that as a middle schooler, she is now having to deal with. I really appreciated the hands-on applications.

[Sharon Saline · Rating 5 out of 5]

In this well-written, extremely helpful book, Caroline Maguire offers parents, caring adults and educators easy, practical tools to assist kids in making and keeping friends. Chock full of useful exercises, fun graphics and thoughtful insights, Ms. Maguire clearly understands child development and issues related to peer relationship problems. She offers a window into how executive functions relate to social skills and concrete ways to improve them. With this terrific resource, she shows us how we can help kids reduce persistent social challenges and feel positively connected to others. I plan to use this book regularly in my practice.

[Sharon Saline · Rating 5 out of 5]

In this well-written, extremely helpful book, Caroline Maguire offers parents, caring adults and educators easy, practical tools to assist kids in making and keeping friends. Chock full of useful exercises, fun graphics and thoughtful insights, Ms. Maguire clearly understands child development and issues related to peer relationship problems. She offers a window into how executive functions relate to social skills and concrete ways to improve them. With this terrific resource, she shows us how we can help kids reduce persistent social challenges and feel positively connected to others. I plan to use this book regularly in my practice.

[Cheryl · Rating 5 out of 5]

I interviewed the author for an article I wrote so I was interested in reading her book. I also used to be a guidance counselor so I have heard kids ask me the question, "Why will no one play with me?"

I am so impressed with the amount of information and detailed activities provided in this book for parents and their kids who are struggling with social skills. I wish I had this book when I was a guidance counselor. Even though, when my kids were younger, they did not struggle with social skills I think they would have enjoyed trying some of the activities in this book. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is interested in helping kids improve their social skills.

[Chanda Norman · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book could be a life changer for an ADHD child. I wish I had had this information earlier in my own life.

[Andrea · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of the most heartwrenching questions to be asked when you are a parent or a caregiver is "Why will no one play with me?" Or, "Why don't I have any friends?" For some kids, it's just not that easy to go out and make friends. They are simply lacking the skills to be able to do so. And they need help learning those skills so that they can go out and have more success in the social world. Author Caroline Maguire relies on her experiences both as an academic and social skills coach for children, plus her own memories of social difficulties as a child, to guide parents, teachers, and caregivers through helping children in their lives to develop those social skills.

Right off the bat, I was impressed with five words that Caroline tells us to remember. "If they could, they would." I guess innately, I already knew that and have always strived to teach my children using this idea. But to see those five words in print looking me in the face really had an impact. You're not going to get anywhere with kids unless you can truly understand those five words.

To help the reader better understand this child who is struggling, Caroline takes us into the wonderful worlds of science and psychology, explaining how the brain develops and how social skills develop. She illustrates the concepts with a great graphic of an iceberg showing how much there actually is when it comes to social development and emotions. She also uses several stories of children she has known, including their struggles, and ways that they were able to navigate some tricky situations.

I think one of the most important things that Caroline tells us is to be aware of your own perceptions and social skills. Also take a look at how you interact with the child and what your preconceived notions are about that child and her behavior. You get questions to ask yourself to help you better understand yourself. You also get discussion question ideas and activities that you can do with your child to help him identify how he is feeling in given situations. These answers will help you better pinpoint what is really going on and help determine a potential solution. It's imperative that you really listen and not just constantly talk at your child.

And remember that these techniques are going to take time. Nothing is going to happen overnight. It takes time to learn a new skill. It's also going to take some repetition of practicing these skills.

Caroline provides some extensive questionnaires for you to use, plus detailed instructions on how to best use them. These will help you pinpoint where you're going to start working with your child. And then you will use the appropriate "Play Better" lessons that correspond with your answers to start working on your child's social skills. You're given infographics, illustrations, scenarios, and real-life excursions that you can take to practice what you discuss and to help your child work on social skills.

I think it will be easy for parents to feel overwhelmed as they try to digest all of the information and the activities within this book. It's going to be most important to read through the book first and to identify your own social skills strengths and weaknesses, plus your own preconceptions about your child's behaviors first. Go ahead and fill out the questionnaires, but then really digest the activities that you're going to be doing with your child. You don't want to be sitting at the mall performing a social skills activities while simultaneously reading for the first time what you're supposed to be saying and doing while you are there. Again, this is all going to take time.

But I also think that as you get more comfortable in the techniques outlined in this book, you are going to find it easier to implement all of these and will get through them easier.

Can teachers benefit from reading this? I don't think it would hurt at all. I'm enjoying learning the terminology that Caroline uses to explain some of the behaviors and skills. If a parent is working on these skills at home, it would be helpful for the teacher to use the same terminology in the classroom. And if the child is working with a professional, such as a therapist, again, it would be helpful for all adults to be using the same words. And I think parents may require some help working through this at some points. So having other adults at least aware of what is going on would be beneficial.

Teachers may also be able to adapt some of the activities in the book to their classroom. I think it's helpful to read a lot of books to arm yourself with a lot of knowledge as you approach any of your students. And those five words are always a great reminder, even for professionals to hear again.

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for my review copy of this book. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

[Thanh Nhàn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Cuốn sách "Why Will No One Play with Me?: The Play Better Plan to Help Children of All Ages Make Friends and Thrive" là một tác phẩm nổi tiếng của tác giả Caroline Maguire. Cuốn sách này được xuất bản vào năm 2019 và đã trở thành một nguồn cảm hứng lớn cho những bậc phụ huynh và giáo viên muốn giúp con em và học sinh của họ có thể tạo ra mối quan hệ tốt và phát triển tốt hơn.

Với hơn 300 trang, "Why Will No One Play with Me?" không chỉ là một cuốn sách về việc giúp trẻ em tạo ra mối quan hệ tốt mà còn là một cuốn sách về tâm lý học và giáo dục, giúp cho người đọc hiểu rõ hơn về tâm lý và cách giúp trẻ em phát triển tốt hơn.

Trong cuốn sách, tác giả đã chia sẻ những kinh nghiệm thực tế của mình trong việc làm việc với trẻ em và giúp họ tạo ra mối quan hệ tốt hơn với bạn bè và đồng nghiệp. Tác giả cũng đã cung cấp cho người đọc những công cụ và kỹ năng cần thiết để giúp trẻ em tăng cường khả năng giao tiếp, xây dựng mối quan hệ và khám phá thế giới xung quanh.

Một trong những điểm nhấn của cuốn sách là phương pháp "Play Better" của tác giả. Phương pháp này giúp cho trẻ em tăng cường khả năng giao tiếp, xây dựng mối quan hệ và khám phá thế giới xung quanh thông qua các hoạt động chơi đùa và trò chơi. Phương pháp này được tác giả giải thích rất chi tiết và dễ hiểu, giúp cho người đọc có thể áp dụng vào thực tế một cách dễ dàng.

Ngoài ra, cuốn sách cũng đề cập đến tầm quan trọng của việc hiểu rõ tâm lý và cảm xúc của trẻ em. Tác giả đã giải thích rất chi tiết về những vấn đề liên quan đến tâm lý của trẻ em như áp lực từ những người lớn, sự tự ti và cảm giác cô đơn. Những kiến thức này giúp cho người đọc hiểu rõ hơn về con em của mình và giúp họ có thể giúp đỡ con em của mình một cách hiệu quả hơn.

Cuối cùng, cuốn sách "Why Will No One Play with Me?" là một cuốn sách rất đáng đọc đối với những người đang muốn giúp đỡ trẻ em tạo ra mối quan hệ tốt và phát triển tốt hơn. Cuốn sách cung cấp cho người đọc những kiến thức và kỹ năng cần thiết để giúp trẻ em tăng cường khả năng giao tiếp, xây dựng mối quan hệ và khám phá thế giới xung quanh. Ngoài ra, cuốn sách cũng giúp người đọc hiểu rõ hơn về tâm lý và cảm xúc của trẻ em, giúp họ có thể giúp đỡ con em của mình một cách hiệu quả hơn.
Ngoài ra, cuốn sách cũng cung cấp cho người đọc nhiều tài liệu tham khảo và ví dụ cụ thể để giúp họ áp dụng những kiến thức đã học vào thực tế. Tác giả cũng đã đưa ra nhiều câu chuyện và trường hợp thực tế để minh họa cho những khó khăn mà trẻ em đang gặp phải, từ đó giúp người đọc hiểu rõ hơn về tình trạng của trẻ em và có thể đưa ra những giải pháp phù hợp.

Điểm mạnh của cuốn sách là tác giả đã đưa ra những lời khuyên và kinh nghiệm dựa trên thực tế của mình trong việc giúp đỡ trẻ em tạo ra mối quan hệ tốt. Tác giả đã đưa ra những phương pháp và kỹ năng cần thiết để giúp trẻ em tăng cường khả năng giao tiếp và xây dựng mối quan hệ, từ đó giúp cho trẻ em có thể phát triển tốt hơn trong cuộc sống.

Tuy nhiên, cuốn sách cũng có một số điểm yếu. Một trong những điểm yếu của cuốn sách là phần nội dung có thể trở nên khó hiểu và phức tạp đối với những người mới bắt đầu. Ngoài ra, cuốn sách cũng không đưa ra những giải pháp cụ thể cho những trường hợp đặc biệt, khiến cho người đọc cần phải tìm hiểu và áp dụng những giải pháp khác để giúp trẻ em.

Tóm lại, cuốn sách "Why Will No One Play with Me?: The Play Better Plan to Help Children of All Ages Make Friends and Thrive" là một cuốn sách rất đáng đọc đối với những người đang muốn giúp đỡ trẻ em tạo ra mối quan hệ tốt và phát triển tốt hơn. Cuốn sách cung cấp cho người đọc những kiến thức và kỹ năng cần thiết để giúp trẻ em tăng cường khả năng giao tiếp, xây dựng mối quan hệ và khám phá thế giới xung quanh. Mặc dù có một số điểm yếu, cuốn sách vẫn là một tài liệu tham khảo tốt cho những người đang quan tâm đến việc giúp đỡ trẻ em.
Mình mua sách gốc cuốn này tại Bookee, bạn cần mua thì có thể tham khảo ở đây: https://bookee.store/why-will-no-one-...

[Alexi · Rating 5 out of 5]

I picked this up initially as background context for a paper I wrote on executive function development in children, focusing on how parents can help develop these important skills through games. I came back to finish it because I kept thinking of it.

The concept of the book is both empowering and research-driven. Children need to develop certain executive functions in order to thrive in the world; more research is showing that these underlying functions - for example, impulse inhibition - are foundational to most other developments. Parents are the ones most likely to be able to help their children develop these skills, but it is a skill in itself to coach children through this skill development! The author focuses on social development but also discusses the many other benefits of a child being able to reflect on their own actions. I personally use the “coach” mindset all the time and found the author’s framework of how to approach these conversations helpful.

[Philip Mott · Rating 2 out of 5]

I did not finish listening to this book. The tone reminds me so much of how I remember teachers talking to me as a student. I think the author has some of the right ideas about helping our kids make friends. She emphasizes not using shaming and nagging as tools for development which I agree with. Her book mainly makes me wonder what other resources are out there to help parents understand the dynamics of peer relationships. Ultimately I would find a book about peer relationships more helpful than a book that claims to tell me how to help my children build relationships.

[Deanna · Rating 3 out of 5]

For a book about children with executive functioning deficits, the majority of the exercises are focused on talking/teaching a child…. Which is cognitive. I feel these ideas would work for some children but not the majority of children I work with. The biggest takeaway I had with it is the value in narrating the hidden, or even obvious social situations for a child who struggles as a way to bring it to their attention and help them understand.
I did like the idea of some of the assessments and things but I read the audiobook and no PDF accompaniment was available like many other workbook type audiobooks I have read.

[Dani Saliani · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book is thorough and there are some good interventions in it, but it falls a little flat for me as a therapist. Not just because it’s written for parents, but because at times it can feel rigid and cold and if put in the hands of the wrong parent, it can make the social behaviors as well as the parent-child relationship even more strained. Like I said, it’s thorough, but parents should read with caution.

[Casey · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book very helpful, especially the pre-scripted scenarios.
I have a background in child development, special needs, counseling, and have taught many of these skills in schools. For a parent without this training, it might not seemas easy to implement, but I would still recomnend checking it out!

[Joe Lawrence]

Did not finish (40%)

This book is a very serious intervention for parents with kids who have social issues. I'm neither.

It's a heady, direct and emotionally charged book. I think some people may find it useful, but I doubt that most parents will. I agree with other reviewers that this is a great tool for professionals to read and refer to when trying to help parents.

[Dayla · Rating 4 out of 5]

Coaching your child to use his “executive function“ while being social with others. Makes sense to me. However coaching is a specific skill that few parents master. Why? It’s not running interference for your child nor being a helicopter parent either.

I decided I wanted the pdf’s so I bought the book.

Highly recommend.

[Jeff Copper · Rating 5 out of 5]

Caroline Maguire is clearly a thought leader. I'm confident in her knowledge which is why she has been a guest, co-host, and guest host on Attention Talk Radio. Her knowledge and experience is something to be shared which is why I'm thrilled she worth her book!

[Katherine · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was good but the exercises were too much for us to do on our own with a 4yo, so I didn't finish it. Would probably be more useful with an older child. Was still useful to read the context on different types of social interactions and where the blind spots could be.

[Spider Girl · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really enjoyed this book. But it brought up bad memories of my childhood. would recommend a box of chocolate.

[Jade]

Dnf

[苍妤 · Rating 4 out of 5]

【3.5】
给到四星是因为对我有切实帮助。印象最深的是“如何区分客套和真朋友”，“在社交场上做空气侦探”，和“在社交场上把自己当成一个brand来展现自我/表达”。

[Lauri Meyers · Rating 4 out of 5]

Author discusses the link between weak executive function skills and social behavioral struggles. Offers practice skits and activities to train the brain on appropriate skills

[CindyGil · Rating 4 out of 5]

Offers some good illustrations.

[Annie Lanouette · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really great and relatable with awesome tips.

[Camille · Rating 4 out of 5]

Audio
Love this
Also love that the author is working on something for adults!

[Zack Hodges · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really good book with actionable steps to helping others grow and navigate life. These lessons apply to more than just children if you think about it.