Erkek Olmanın Tehlikeleri

by Herb Goldberg

Bugün erkekle kadın arasındaki büyük bir fark, kadınların en azından baskı altında olduklarını biliyor olmalarıdır. Erkeklere küçük yaştan itibaren, dünyanın “erkeklerin dünyası” olduğu, ayrıcalıklı cins oldukları söylenip durur. Sahip oldukları “ayrıcalıklar” arasında sürekli derinleşen hayal kırıklıklarıyla, tükenmişlikle ve yalnızlıkla dolu bir hayatı yaşama ve kadın muhataplarından çok önce göçüp gitme ayrıcalığının da bulunduğunu keşfettiklerinde, çoğu kez çok geç kalmış oluyorlar.

Erkekleri ebeveynleri yetiştiriyor, toplum şartlandırıyor, annesi (bir kadın), bir aşık, koca, baba, evin ekmeğini kazanan güçlü ve sessiz adam olmaya özendiriyor. Tüm bu katı rollerin yerine getirilmesi imkansız beklentileri ise, erkeği duygusal açıdan kötürüm ediyor ve sonunda erken yaşta ölüp gitmesine neden oluyor. Erkekseniz, bu kitabı okuduğunuzda, kendinizi, içinde bulunduğunuz tehlikeleri, "erkek" olmak için ödediğiniz bedeli kavrayacaksınız.

Hayatında bir erkeği seven bir kadınsanız, kitabı okuyacak ve onun da okumasını isteyeceksiniz.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Gender, Social Science, Gender Studies

255 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1976

Reviews

[Ceren · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kitap, erkeklerin yaşadığı sorunları gayet anlaşılır bir şekilde gözler önüne seriyor.
Bazı kişiler tarafından neden cinsiyetçi ya da antifeminist bulunduğunu tam olarak kavrayamadım. Kadın-erkek intihar, tutuklanma ve hastalık yüzdelerini karşılaştırmak mı antifeminist oldu, emin değilim. Kitabın hiçbir yerinde "bu problemlerin suçlusu kadınlardır," gibi bir şey yazıldığını görmedim. Özellikle hükümet ve adalet sistemiyle ilgili olan kısımların kadınların suçu olduğunu söylemek absürt bir ifade olurdu, sanırım.

Bazı istatistiklerin bilerek verilmediğini görebilirsiniz, fark ederseniz kitap erkeklerin problemleriyle ilgili kadınlarınkiyle değil. Bu nedenle kadına cinsiyetçiliğin kanıtı olan istatistiklerin verilmemiş olması, genel olarak kitabın "kadınlara cinsiyetçilik yapılmıyor" gibi bir teması olmadığından beni rahatsız etmedi.

Bir kadın olarak okursanız çevrenizdeki erkeklerin psikolojisini anlamak açısından faydalı bilgiler edineceğinizi ve erkeklerin yüzyüze geldiği cinsiyetçiliği kavrayacağınızı düşünüyorum. Bir erkek olarak okursanız da kendi bazı hareket ve duygularınızın temelinde yatan sebepleri göreceğiniz ve bunları kontrol edebilmek için adım atacağınız fikrindeyim.

Herkesin okuması gereken bir kitap olup olmadığından emin değilim. Çünkü içindeki bilgiler nereye çekerseniz oraya gidermiş gibi geliyor. Cinsiyetçilikliğin "a'ya daha çok cinsiyetçilik yapılıyor", "b daha çok öldürülüyor," yok efendim "ama c'ler Abdülhamid'i savundu," şeklinde tartışılması mide bulandırıcı geliyor bana, cinsiyetçilik her cinsiyet için çözülmesi gereken bir şey, azı çoğu neden önemli algılayamıyorum. Tarafsız ve açık fikirli bir şekilde oturup okuyabilirim, cinsiyetçiliği a, b, c'ye yapılan şeklinde bir yarışa dönüştürmem diyen insanların bu kitapla karşılaşması dileğiyle.

Esen kalın, kitapla kalın...

[Carlos · Rating 1 out of 5]

I picked up this book with a mixture of curiosity and apprehension. Curiosity towards the cover of a superman suit in a garbage can and apprehension towards the subtitle, “the myth of masculine privilege”. I was hoping the author would highlight the adverse effects on men by a patriarchal society without devolving into an antifeminist rant. Yet, while Godberg does address some of the limitations placed on men like the sharing of feelings or of being vulnerable, there is still an uncomfortable level of misogyny permeating the entire book. In more than one occasion Goldberg seems to hold women personally responsible for the limitations placed on men and actively diminishes the subjugated role of women. Similarly, he is very quick to exculpate male-on-female violence and excuse male infidelity completely. While he may have been raising interesting points at the time of the book’s publication, 1974, I found it considerably grating on modern ears and largely irrelevant for today’s audience given the abundance of more nuanced books at their disposal.

[Liz · Rating 1 out of 5]

Oh boy was pet sitting and found this gem 😅 I was hoping that the book would delve into the intricacies of the male condition under patriarchy but alas it was mysoginistic garbage. I mean I can’t really be surprised published in 1974 maybe this was thought provoking back then. The important points of men not being able to share their emotions/ feeling and being ostracized for being anything other than alpha male were brought up, but it still completely throws women under the bus for the problems of a patriarchal society that they did not create. Gave me a good laugh though so thought one star was fitting the rest is garbage or toilet paper.

[Fred · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just skimming this book in 1990 changed my life because it made me realize that I was not living my life. I was living the life our culture had trained me to live. This triggered a "burning" desire to be free.

I just finished reading the book in detail and carefully. Very valuable because I can see that I regained most of my freedom on a large scale, I have been neglecting smaller things, e.g. sleeping with two pillows when I prefer one ...

Goldberg has many very usefully questions at the end of the practical chapters.

[Sunny · Rating 5 out of 5]

An incredible book and one which i wish i had read earlier. I heard that this came out as a result of Betty Friedan’s "the feminine mystique" (which I've also read and is amazing!). The book talks about the different aspects of being male in a society where feminism is on the up. This was written in 1976 but is totally pertinent today in 2023. Here are the best bits:


Although the content of men's lives gives them different external appearances, deeper unconscious masculine processes shape the internal experiences of traditionally conditioned men, making their personal or inner experiences very similar and often identical.


Many women have described their roles in marriage as a form of socially approved prostitution. They assert that they , are selling themselves out for an unfulfilling portion of supposed security.


If he is pushed even ever so slightly out of his well-worn path. He lacks the fluidity of the female who can readily move between the traditional definitions of male or female behavior and roles. She can be wife and mother or a business executive. She can dress in typically feminine fashion or adopt the male styles.


Particularly in first marriages, many males unconsciously seek a relationship of primitive dependency such as they had with their mothers, and like the baby from whom the breast is unexpectedly removed, they rage and despair when this source of comfort is withdrawn.


The typical woman . . . in courtship . .. assumed the passive, submissive, conventional, female role; in a phrase, she bolstered his ego at the expense of her own. If she was not completely swept off her feet by physical attraction, she made a shrewd assessment of his potential as a breadwinner and a bed partner, and then set about proving to him that she was what he wanted as a housewife, help-mate, and mother of his children . . . [she] . . . pretended to be more "feminine" than she perhaps really was.


..the savage infighting among the feminist leadership wore me down. .. The reason women are such crude, brutal and destructive combatants, I later decided women fighters lack pace, grace, the reason rhythm and mercy is certainly not because we are subject to raging hormonal impulses as some men claim.. I think that hair-trigger female fury, the surge to leap for the jugular at the merest drop of a glove, the readiness to drop the bomb on Luxembourg, results from the lack of a female tradition of chivalry."


He who can sleep with a woman and does not, commits a great sin. My boy, if a woman calls you to share her bed and you don't go, your soul will be destroyed! That woman will sigh before God on judgment day, and that woman's sigh, whoever you may be and whatever your fine deeds, will cast you into hell!
-Nikos Kazantzakis
Zorba The Greek


The phenomenon of mother transference is another powerful barrier to sexual satisfaction within the marital relation. ship. Our culture has become largely matriarchal. In most cases, father has become a secondary part of the family structure. Often he is working at one of two jobs or is glued to the television set. Or, he is preoccupied and worried and lacks energy when he is at home. If the family has been broken up by divorce, chances are that mother has custody. Consequently, the boy develops deep dependencies and identifications with mother. His feelings toward her must inevitably be in conflict. While she loves and nurtures him she also sets his limits and restricts him. And though she is the most important person in his life, sexual feelings toward her are taboo. When the male marries and his wife begins to assume many of the functions of a mothering figure- feeding him, taking care of his clothing, caring for the house and the children he inevitably develops some mother transferences to her and this has to dampen erotic aspects of the relationship.


The alleged social encouragement for men to express feelings more freely is still largely in the abstract. Even when men get together in their own "liberation groups" they often become rather quickly mired in intellectualizations and platitudes, and the interactions are seldom spontaneous and genuine on a feeling level.


The behavior of many contemporary men is in some ways analogous to the behavior patterns of autistic children. The autistic child's responses are an extreme form of resistance to human contact, with a concomitant extreme fascination and fixation on inanimate objects. Touching another person, expressing feelings, and relating to others are traumatic and largely avoided. Contemporary man is encapsulated in the world of his automobile, which may get more genuine concern and involvement than any human being in his life. Or, he is staring at his television, transistor radio plugged into his ear, stereo piping through earphones, a newspaper or magazine hiding his face, stimulated by liquor, cigarettes, and pills, aroused by pornography, eating frozen or pre-packaged foods, hitting golf balls at the driving range, and negotiating his life in two-minute spurts over the telephone. He can truly and comfortably keep himself stimulated with only the barest human contact for days or weeks on end. In fact, human contact may even be experienced as an irritating intrusion; interference with his television watching or while he's working on his automobile is sure to arouse his wrath. He may even have sex, after the first few weeks of a relationship, lying prone in front of the television, timing his orgasm to occur during the commercials so that no time is lost from his involvement with the program.


Dependency in the male is equated with weakness, so much so that even normal amounts are often suppressed. There is little that makes a father prouder than to see his five or six-year-old son acting like a "little man."


Laying back and doing nothing is extremely threatening to the male who has learned to equate masculinity with activity, striving, competing, and overcoming obstacles. Passivity, in his perception, is equivalent to femineity. He expects to be Tom Sawyer walking the picket fence while Becky watches and admires him from the sidelines. From early boyhood on, he is pressed to produce, to be adventurous, to stay in motion, and to have unlimited energy. If he sits passively in the corner reading, his parents worry and wonder about him. Most boys have a voice inside of themselves, driving them on and admonishing them to, "Get off your tail and do something!"


There is something about a male in tears, whether as a boy or as a man that offends, causes others to turn away and to want to "do something" to stop it as soon as possible. Tears from a woman bring out a protective feeling. From a male, tears create discomfort at best and occasionally even mild disgust at his inability to "control himself."


Throughout his early conditioning, closeness with other men was predicated on sharing a mutual enemy, whether in sports, business, or at war. As men grow older and no longer join together for these purposes, the gulf between them increases. For the average male, therefore, a close relationship with another male is at best a dim memory of high school or Army days.


Henry's attitude toward his competitors symbolizes the possible connection in our culture between hostile, cut-throat behavior in business and sublimated male homosexuality. Men in business insult each other by calling each other "assholes," often speak of having each other "by the balls, giving it to each other "up the ass" and "screwing" or "being screwed" by a competitor. Henry's homosexual behavior didn't emerge overtly until after he had made it in business, when he no longer needed to sublimate his homosexuality into hostile, competitive behavior.


The male in our culture finds himself in countless "damned if you do, damned if you don't" no-win binds. He is constantly being affected by gross inconsistencies between what he had been taught was "masculine" behavior as a boy and what is expected of him as an adult; between inner needs and social pressures; and between contradictory expectations in the many roles he has to play. He is psychologically fragmented by these many contradictory demands. For survival's sake, he is literally forced into functioning in a machine-like, emotionally detached, and extremely repressed way. In other words, the traditional male façade - cool, detached, controlled, guarded, and disengaged is a protective mechanism that allows him to respond simply to external cues or inputs, like a programmed computer, rather than having to wrestle with constant conflict and ambiguity.
The first step in coping with this phenomenon is open recognition and acknowledgment of these binds.


As a young boy he will be encouraged and praised for being movement-oriented, active, boisterous, playful and for using his physical strength and agility. That will define him as a
"real boy." However, in order to be successful in school and later on in the professional white collar, middle-class occupations he will have to repress that physicalness. For example, he will have to sit still for long stretches of time and to be passive and physically inactive when he feels the need for being just the opposite.


If as a father he is heavily involved with his family and tries to take an active part in rearing the children he may clash with his wife over child-rearing philosophy and attitudes. He will be resented for interfering, for not backing up his wife, and for creating dissension. If he lays back, largely staying out of the picture, and tries not to interfere, thereby allowing his wife to be the principle authority in child-rearing, he may be resented for being a passive, uninvolved father and his influence in the family and the depth of his relationship with his children will steadily diminish.
Either way he loses: If he tries to involve himself heavily in the child rearing he may be resented for having a divisive in-fluence. If he tries to stay out of the picture he may be resented for being a passive, uninvolved father.


There are other reasons for the male tendency to deny and resist his body's signals of distress. His dread of passivity, which he unconsciously associates with femininity and homo-sexuality, is critical. It leads to a reluctance and resistance to going to bed and staying there when he is not feeling well. Instead he delays it until he is literally knocked off his feet and forced to lie down. His badge of honor is that he never misses a day of work, so he ignores the distress signals in order to keep on achieving and competing. He's proving that he's a man and can resist, ignore, and overcome signs of ill-ness.


It was recently reported to the American Cancer Society that cancer related to nutrition accounts for 30 per cent of cancer in men. This report cited the habit of eating red meat as a major factor." Cancer of the bowel, which is the most common form of cancer, has also been linked to the eating of beef, a food which is known to contribute to high cholesterol.


It is a tragic irony in our culture that men can only come comfortably close to each other when they are sharing a common target. As teenagers they come together in a gang or as members of a team out to "destroy" the other team. As adults, in wartime, they have a common enemy.


Her physician husband responded to this: While he didn't understand what she meant by giving his self* because he thought that he had been doing that all along, he acknowledged that perhaps he didn't express his emotions enough. Her protest, on the surface, had a reasonable ring to it.
However, upon closer examination, , it was as meaningless and destructive as if he had confronted her with: "Why don't you earn more money? You don't make any effort to gain position Or power. All you've got is your goddamn feelings and I'm sick of hearing about your emotions. All you do is share of yourself. You never tell me about your achievements, drive, and success. I don# want to hear how you feel about this or that. Make something of yourself in the outside world."


Because he may only have very limited amounts of time to be with them, the divorced father will feel pressured to please his children and retain their good will whenever he is with them. Consequently, he may try to buy their love with goodies and entertainment. He also will be hesitant about disciplining them lest he alienate them from him. They could easily retaliate by behaving in passive, sullen ways when they are with him or by indicating to their mother that they simply don't want to be with him. His defensive position may produce the humiliating interaction in which he feels compelled to play up to his children. They are boss. They have gained the power over him.
The divorced father who risks alienating his children by disciplining them when he is with them may face a situation where the children, upon return to their mother may detail all of the "horrors" of his behavior. Daddy then stands to be accused of traumatizing the children. On the other hand, if he is lavish with them he may be accused of spoiling them.


When a man's self is hidden from everybody else . .. it seems also to become much hidden even from himself, and it permits disease and death to gnaw into his substance without his clear knowledge. Men who are unknown and/or inadequately loved often fall ill, or even die, as if suddenly and without warning . . . If one had direct access to the person's real self, one would have had many earlier signals that the present way of life was generating illness."
Sidney Jourard

[Melvin Marsh · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very interesting book which I as a female to male transsexual can certainly relate to. While there is women's liberation, men have not been able to go through a similar phase. This book covers things like how men are not free to express all their emotions, how they cannot touch other men (homophobia), and covers issues like impotence and how they cannot show fear, sadness, or tears. It is certainly something that if one is interested in gender studies, it would be important to read.

[Matt Levesque · Rating 5 out of 5]

Mostly I don't write reviews, and this is a tad difficult as some of the lanquage and content are dated; however, I have given away at least 20 copies of this book. I put my name in them and sometimes they come back to me to be given away again as an "owners manual for your dick!"

We still live in a sexist society where masculine priveledge is still a thing. . .BUT, there are things that men need to know and are routinely not taught. As I recall I also recommended this to my daughter to aid her in understanding her husband.

[Xiao · Rating 1 out of 5]

Dated, misogynist tripe.

[ışıl · Rating 1 out of 5]

Kitabı okurken devamlı kendimi sorguladım acaba ben mi önyargılı yaklaşıyorum, taraflı mı bakıyorum diye. Alakası yokmuş daha başlarda "toprak ana tuzağını nasıl algılayacaksınız" diye 15 maddelik bir liste var ve size olduğundan daha kadın davranarak sizi 'tuzağına' düşüren kadınları nasıl anlayacağınızı söylüyor. Kitaptaki şeyleri sadece erkekler yaşıyormuş ve tuzaklar sadece kadınlara aitmiş gibi bir tavır var çok rahatsız edici. Bazı olaylarsa tamamen kişinin kendi sorunlarıyla ilgili fakat hep kadın suçlanmış. Bana sorgusuz bir şekilde kadınları savunuyormuş gibi hissettirdi ki bu kitabı okumaya başlamamın en büyük sebebi toplumda kadın ne kadar kötü şeyler yaşıyorsa erkeğin de yaşadığını savunuyor olmamdı. Kitabın başında yazarın kitap hakkında aldığı eleştirileri okuduğumda gerçekten "ne yazmış olabilir ki?" diye düşündüm ve olabildiğince kafamı açarak okumaya çalıştım. Ama gerek olaylar gerek bunları anlatırken kullandığı kelimeler olsun beni hayal kırıklığına uğrattı. Bana sevgili yazar berbat bir ilişkiden çıkmış ve bu kitabı yazmaya başlamış gibi geldi açıkçası. Yani boş geçen bir 40 sayfaydı. İyi ki okumuşum, hayatımda okuduğum en saçma kitap olabilir bu güzel bir deneyimdi teşekkürler.

[Taylor Ellwood · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book shares the hard truth about male privilege, and how the so-called privilege of men is anything but a privilege. While this book was written in the 1970’s it could accurately describe the experience most men go through even now. Reading this book made me angry and made me realize how trashed men are for the supposed privilege we have, when in reality we end up paying a lot for the privilege we get. This book was eye-opening and helped me recognize how much discrimination men experience in no small part of because of the roles they are thrust into. It also speaks a simple truth: It is up to each man to free himself of the toxic expectations of society and in the process become a self-actualized man.

[R · Rating 4 out of 5]

Despite being written in the 70s, it still speaks a lot of truth in modern times. I'd honestly recommend everyone read this book to gain insight of toxic masculinity and a societal expectation of men denying their emotions.

[Robert · Rating 5 out of 5]

Even though an older book which I read when it first came out, many of the ideas are the same, with some even more so today such as the BS, so called "Toxic Masculinity". We need more traditional men and less soy boys in their PJ's in their parent's basement.

[Elif Deniz · Rating 4 out of 5]

Yazar erkek olmanın zorluklarını anlatırken bu zorlukları yaratanın kim olduğunu atlamış. Kapitalizm ve patriyarka hem erkeğe hem kadına düşmandır.

[Adam · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazingly relevant, perhaps even more so than 40 years ago when it was written. Without being preachy or political, Dr. Goldberg offers great insight into the all-too-common and debilitating problems that plague modern men, while at the same time offering helpful advice on how to address these problems.

His use of case studies is particularly helpful. I often found myself feeling uncomfortable reading these, as I could relate to the dysfunctions and difficulties that the men struggled with.

[Kaplumbağa Felsefecisi · Rating 1 out of 5]

Kendi cinsiyetine hiç toz kondurmayan, erkekleri çileden çıkaranın kadınlar olduğunu öne süren, hiç bir psikolojik alt yapısını ve özellikle cinsiyet odaklı getirilerin ve toplumsal rollerin çıkarımını yapmadan; yüzeysel ve suçlayıcı şekilde erkekleri ön plana çıkaran bir kitaptır.

[Elizabeth]

re paul westfall