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If I Have to Tell You One More Time. . .: The Revolutionary Program That Gets Your Kids To Listen Without Nagging,Reminding, or Yelling
This title has been removed from sale by Penguin Group, USA.
316 pages, Kindle Edition
First published August 4, 2011
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April 4, 2022
There comes a point in raising a child that you realize that you need help. You don't want your kid throwing a tantrum in the middle of a store, and you need to get out of the house in under 3 hours. So what do you do? You turn to self-help books to help you and the entire world endure the emotionally out-of-control 3-year-old you suddenly have.
I first discovered this author in a parenting blog where someone linked to one of her free YouTube videos. I tried a few of her techniques and found that they were semi-magic. Even if they only worked for the short term, that was enough. Mainly, it gave me some ideas for how to constructively mold my child to be a calmer, happier individual.
This book has some good tips, but, like most self-help types of books, they could have been said in a few bullet points or a chart rather than in a nearly 300-paged book. Of course, a bullet-pointed list wouldn't have made as much money as a book and webinars do.
In the end, it's about respecting each other, offering controlled choices, and not being a tyrant.
Here are my main takeaways from the book for future reference:
1. Set aside at least 10 minutes twice a day to spend with your child, completely focusing on them so that they do get the directed attention that they crave.
2. Quit correcting and directing.
3. Use a calm voice (think Mr. Rogers).
4. Offer choices within your requirements for your child so that the child feels like they have some level of control (such as that the child must brush their teeth, but they can choose which toothbrush and toothpaste they'd like to use).
5. Use when/then statements ("When you finish picking up your toys, then we'll go to the park").
6. Everyone in the household should contribute to the household. Even small children need things to help with doing.
7. Have consistent routines so that the child knows what to expect.
8. Use immediate and consistent punishments which fit the crime (the child runs away and doesn't stop when called, so you leave the park immediately)
9. Allow natural and logical consequences so that the child learns from mistakes (the child doesn't rinse their hands and then finds themselves with a mouth full of soap when they eat)
10. Ask the child to repeat to you what the punishment will be if they do X.
11. Use either/or consequences (either you eat your peas or you get no dessert)
12. Tell your child what you won't pay attention to (whining while you're cooking), ignore any such actions, and train appropriate behavior (talk to me in a normal voice and either help me or play quietly beside me while I cook).
13. Schedule your 15 minutes of time with your child right before you need to get something done so that the child has their attention meter filled. Also, tell them that you won't be paying attention to them during the time you need to get something done but what they can do during that time.
14. Invite cooperation (ask them to help you clean).
15. Walk away from tantrums.
16. Say I feel ... when you ..., and I wish you would ...
17. Teach a child to not always need external compliments but to be proud of their own accomplishments ("You must have felt so happy when you finally pottied by yourself.")
There's quite a lot here that involves respecting your child and teaching your child to respect themselves as well as to respect you.
The author wants you to believe that your child will magically act as they should if you follow all these rules. But it's not magic. One day a when/then statement will work, and another day it may not.
However, acting calmly and respectfully goes a long way toward having a calm and happy child ... and being a calm and happy parent.
I first discovered this author in a parenting blog where someone linked to one of her free YouTube videos. I tried a few of her techniques and found that they were semi-magic. Even if they only worked for the short term, that was enough. Mainly, it gave me some ideas for how to constructively mold my child to be a calmer, happier individual.
This book has some good tips, but, like most self-help types of books, they could have been said in a few bullet points or a chart rather than in a nearly 300-paged book. Of course, a bullet-pointed list wouldn't have made as much money as a book and webinars do.
In the end, it's about respecting each other, offering controlled choices, and not being a tyrant.
Here are my main takeaways from the book for future reference:
1. Set aside at least 10 minutes twice a day to spend with your child, completely focusing on them so that they do get the directed attention that they crave.
2. Quit correcting and directing.
3. Use a calm voice (think Mr. Rogers).
4. Offer choices within your requirements for your child so that the child feels like they have some level of control (such as that the child must brush their teeth, but they can choose which toothbrush and toothpaste they'd like to use).
5. Use when/then statements ("When you finish picking up your toys, then we'll go to the park").
6. Everyone in the household should contribute to the household. Even small children need things to help with doing.
7. Have consistent routines so that the child knows what to expect.
8. Use immediate and consistent punishments which fit the crime (the child runs away and doesn't stop when called, so you leave the park immediately)
9. Allow natural and logical consequences so that the child learns from mistakes (the child doesn't rinse their hands and then finds themselves with a mouth full of soap when they eat)
10. Ask the child to repeat to you what the punishment will be if they do X.
11. Use either/or consequences (either you eat your peas or you get no dessert)
12. Tell your child what you won't pay attention to (whining while you're cooking), ignore any such actions, and train appropriate behavior (talk to me in a normal voice and either help me or play quietly beside me while I cook).
13. Schedule your 15 minutes of time with your child right before you need to get something done so that the child has their attention meter filled. Also, tell them that you won't be paying attention to them during the time you need to get something done but what they can do during that time.
14. Invite cooperation (ask them to help you clean).
15. Walk away from tantrums.
16. Say I feel ... when you ..., and I wish you would ...
17. Teach a child to not always need external compliments but to be proud of their own accomplishments ("You must have felt so happy when you finally pottied by yourself.")
There's quite a lot here that involves respecting your child and teaching your child to respect themselves as well as to respect you.
The author wants you to believe that your child will magically act as they should if you follow all these rules. But it's not magic. One day a when/then statement will work, and another day it may not.
However, acting calmly and respectfully goes a long way toward having a calm and happy child ... and being a calm and happy parent.
September 5, 2011
I've read several parenting books (The Happiest Toddler on the Block, 1-2-3 Magic, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and LIsten So Kids Will Talk...). I learned a lot from those books, but If I Have to Tell You One More Time is hands-down the best. McCready shows you how to eliminate the root of the misbehaviors. I would call it a misbehavior prevention program where there are a lot of empowering of kids, training of kids, giving consequences (not punishments) to kids, etc... The book isn't overly stuffed with psychological babble, but instead has clear, direct instructions and examples of how parents should implement the tools. I also love how McCready empathizes with the parents and then empowers them.
January 26, 2012
Much of this fit dealing with one of my kids to a "T." Early on, the book advises, "think of your child as wearing a giant sign around her neck-a sign that says, "I want to belong, and I want to feel significant, but I don't know how to do it." Well, that's why I picked up this book - I thought it might give me strategies for helping her feel more self-confident and stop picking on her sister.
One chapter deals with sibling rivalry. The book suggests handling kids fights with this formula:
1) Ignore now
2) Train later
3) Utilize only helpful adult interaction
4) Put everyone in the same boat.
Part of the child's behavior is misguided because they are "expert observers but make many mistakes in interpreting what they observe." That's part of why they may perceive one child is favored over another. Having planned one-on-one time twice a day with each family member may make a powerful impact in making each child feel valued. [The days the kids do not get their fill of mommy and me only time really are the crazier ones in our house, but I've made sure to have my husband start implementing this too and we'll see if it makes a big difference.]
There is a quiz to help you determine your parenting style - and I can see it's my style not only for parenting, but interacting with other adults, including my spouse...so I learned from this (modifying my behavior will be a whole other story).
Using "I feel" statements is emphasized in various chapters, but for kids they must be guided to identify their feelings instead of using it as another opportunity to insult someone else.
I found the chapters about four mistaken goals of misbehavior helpful and could easily see where my children fell on the continuum. It would be worthwhile to reread this book again as the first time is an overview and the next (few) time(s) would be a chance to more thoughtfully implement some of the strategies.
One chapter deals with sibling rivalry. The book suggests handling kids fights with this formula:
1) Ignore now
2) Train later
3) Utilize only helpful adult interaction
4) Put everyone in the same boat.
Part of the child's behavior is misguided because they are "expert observers but make many mistakes in interpreting what they observe." That's part of why they may perceive one child is favored over another. Having planned one-on-one time twice a day with each family member may make a powerful impact in making each child feel valued. [The days the kids do not get their fill of mommy and me only time really are the crazier ones in our house, but I've made sure to have my husband start implementing this too and we'll see if it makes a big difference.]
There is a quiz to help you determine your parenting style - and I can see it's my style not only for parenting, but interacting with other adults, including my spouse...so I learned from this (modifying my behavior will be a whole other story).
Using "I feel" statements is emphasized in various chapters, but for kids they must be guided to identify their feelings instead of using it as another opportunity to insult someone else.
I found the chapters about four mistaken goals of misbehavior helpful and could easily see where my children fell on the continuum. It would be worthwhile to reread this book again as the first time is an overview and the next (few) time(s) would be a chance to more thoughtfully implement some of the strategies.
June 24, 2012
The first 3 chapters made me feel like a terrible parent, saying that things like time-outs and counting to three don't help. There were many tips that helped me and that I continue to do with my children (like special one-on-one time). But other things just weren't working for us. While the logic behind most of the tips is sound, in reality not everything works for every child or parent. Because counting to 3 does work on my boys... I only have to say "1" before they know I mean business.
The overall suggestion is to be a loving, patient, parent who takes time with their child to listen and play with them. And to remember that even small children have their own ideas and thoughts of what is important to them, though it may not seem important to an adult. So try to think from the child's perspective and treat your child and their thoughts & feelings with respect.
I recommend this for any parent, just try not to take the criticism too personally. This book would be especially good for those who are not yet/soon to be and/or new parents before getting set in a certain parenting pattern, positive or negative.
The overall suggestion is to be a loving, patient, parent who takes time with their child to listen and play with them. And to remember that even small children have their own ideas and thoughts of what is important to them, though it may not seem important to an adult. So try to think from the child's perspective and treat your child and their thoughts & feelings with respect.
I recommend this for any parent, just try not to take the criticism too personally. This book would be especially good for those who are not yet/soon to be and/or new parents before getting set in a certain parenting pattern, positive or negative.
July 19, 2020
OK, it's written with enthusiasm by a business consultant, who (naturally) overpromises dramatic improvements to your kids' behavior. Plus a lot of this is for kids much older than ours. But there are some useful-seeming tips. We'll try them out and see if it helps.
Notes to self:
* p.21-22: Alfred Adler's child-psychology premises:
1. A child's primary goal is to achieve belonging and "significance" i.e. power (if they don't get them in positive ways, they'll resort to negative ways)
2. All behavior is goal-oriented (misbehavior is symptom of a deeper problem)
3. A misbehaving child is a discouraged child (they want you to help them feel belonging and significance, but don't know how)
And when they don't get these two necessary things, they go through the following stages:
1. Undue Attention -- whining, clinging, acting helpless, etc. in the hopes that parents will give them comfort i.e. a sense of belonging
2. Power -- challenging or provoking parents to get into a power struggle they can "win" to feel significant
3. Revenge -- if they still can't get either belonging or significance, get even with the parents by inflicting harm
4. Assumed Inadequacy -- if all of the above fail, kids just give up & detach & want to be left alone
[Our oldest is well into #1, Undue Attention. I guess I should be thankful it's not worse, and try to nip it in the bud. It's interesting to think about my other family members, and where they are in their dynamics with their own parents...]
* p.34-35: To "feed the meter" and prevent the kids from feeling detached or powerless in the first place, be sure to give *each* child some dedicated one-to-one time from *each* parent.
Aim for at least two 10-minute periods each day.
Ideally schedule these times, as part of a daily ROUTINE.
But also do this (1) when you can see their "attention basket" is nearly empty, and (2) when you're about to start something else that can't be interrupted (a work call, cooking on the hot stove, etc).
* p.57-59: "Personality priorities" self-quiz. Of the four parent "types," my wife and I both prioritize Pleasing and Controlling, much more so than Superiority or Comforting. I suspect we both default to starting in Pleasing mode (avoid conflict, too often doing things for the kids or reminding them instead of making them do/remember it themselves, even when it overburdens us)... Then when it fails, we snap ungracefully into Controlling mode (do it my way! because I said so!)
Unfortunately, the book's tips are contradictory here: Be less Pleasing by saying "No" more often, and be less Controlling by saying "Yes" more often! Maybe if we started out as less Pleasing in the first place, we wouldn't snap as much?
* p.63: Keep using your Calm Voice even when you're worked up. As hard as it is -- raising our voices won't help the kids act reasonably and make adult decisions themselves, which is ultimately what we want, right?
* p.96: Avoid "piggybacking" -- following a compliment by an "I told you so" or other snark, like "Wow, you spent a lot of time cleaning your room! If only it could stay this way all the time!"
By adding this extra piece of guilt/shame to the encouraging initial phrase, we deflate the pride/joy that we wanted them to feel about the job well done. Just stop after the encouragement itself.
* p.100: Avoid comparisons between siblings etc. Instead of "Come sit down at dinner like your brother," say "When everyone is sitting at the table, then we'll serve dinner."
* p.117-118: Explicitly *teach* the tasks you want them to take on. Give kids more responsibilities (not "chores" but "family contributions"), but make sure you've taken time to train them first.
Use role play to help -- ask the stuffed animals to take part, or switch roles so your kid can "teach" you the right way to do it.
Encourage good progress and avoid criticism, which apparently can set back the training.
* p.118-120: Good list of age-appropriate "family contributions":
* p.141: Use "when-then" statements: When you finish X, then we can do Y.
Y should be a normally-occurring privilege, not a special-treat reward -- otherwise it's bribing.
Don't say "if" -- it makes Y feel like a bribe, and like you don't have confidence that your kid can handle X.
State your "when-then" clearly ONE time, then step back. If appropriate, set a deadline, but don't give reminders.
* p.145: Use when-then's as routines, not just one-offs. Make it clear what the daily routine is, to avoid repeated negotiations over daily tasks. Then the parents aren't the "bad guy" -- the routine itself provides the pressure to clean up etc.
Incorporate family contributions into the routines too.
Keep bedtimes etc consistent all week -- don't delay them on weekends, b/c kids' internal clocks don't recognize weekends and they'll just have trouble resetting each Monday.
Keep a routine for weekends and for summer too, even if it's modified. Still expect a few family contributions before playtime, etc.
For younger kids, keep it as a (picture?) checklist on a clipboard.
* p.162-6: To prevent misbehavior, often you need to make sure the kid really is trained. (Not following social rules? Make sure they know those rules in advance -- role-play with them to practice before you leave home.)
But if it persists, ideally you'd use Natural Consequences: When the kid doesn't listen to you, let them suffer the natural fallout. It's not you but rather the universe teaching them a lesson. E.g. if they repeatedly refuse to wear a jacket in winter, let them go outside in a t-shirt a few times and feel the cold... and they should learn the importance of jackets for themselves.
But can't do that for some things (not safe, or too long of a wait before "payoff," or it's more of a social rule) -- then try "Logical Consequences," which you as a parent impose but should still relate directly to the misbehavior.
Examples: Not brushing teeth? Then consequently you may decide they can't eat any sugar whatsoever, as an alternative way to avoid dental problems. Throwing toys? Then you might take that toy away for the day, as an alternative way to avoid mess and injury.
Whether Natural or Logical, to be a "consequence" and not just "punishment" make sure it's 1. Respectful (not a humiliating consequence), 2. Related to the misbehavior, 3. Reasonable (for the kid's maturity level), 4. Revealed in advance (so they make the choice of whether to behave or not *knowing* the conseq.), and 5. Repeated back to you (so you know they heard you).
Once you've stated it, turn your back and make it clear that you don't care which choice is made. In other words, whether they choose to behave or to misbehave and suffer the conseq, you'll be indifferent and simply follow through either way.
In either case, make sure you have given fair warning -- don't just impose these in anger on the spot.
* p.188: For heat-of-the-moment problems, when you don't have a prepared Natural/Logical Conseq, use "either/or"...
"Either you stop right now, or the conseq. will be Z!" ...
which frankly sounds like the same old punishments parents have always used, except stated (in the heat of the moment) as though it's the kid's choice. I guess that's marginally better, from the kid's perspective, than "Stop right now! You didn't stop? OK, now I will invent and impose a conseq.!"
(But it's SO hard to pause and invent a reasonable consequence on the spot, at the same time as I'm trying to get them to stop doing the dangerous/irresponsible thing!! Much easier to shout "Stop!" first and hope they do... or if they don't, to then apply punishment afterwards once you've had a moment to think it over. Not sure how practical this advice is. But on p.174: if you couldn't reveal a conseq. in advance, treat this misbehavior as a teaching moment / chance to train the kid, and then set up a conseq. for what'll happen NEXT time if it's ever repeated.)
* p.175-6: Consequences for harming someone else: "ask him what he needs to do to make it right with the other person, beyond the obligatory 'I'm sorry.' A hug, a note or another act of kindness is certainly in order---and chances are it will make both parties feel better. Your child will also develop a stronger sense of empathy and personal responsibility in the long run."
Conseq. for leaving toys out: lose the privilege of playing with them -- they'll be put away in a box for X days.
* p.190-194: How to handle Undue Attention-seeking behavior?
Start by making sure you *do* give the kid regular 1-1 time for clear undivided attention from each parent. Otherwise, I guess it's hard to call it "undue".
If it still persists, make an advance plan clear to your child: When you whine, my ears hurt and I will no longer pay attention to what you say in that tone of voice, but I'll happily listen when you speak in your normal voice. Or... When I'm cooking and unavailable to play, I will ignore requests to play, but I'll happily play with you after dinner.
Make sure they're trained in what the appropriate behavior actually is, incl. role-playing e.g. the difference between whiny and normal voice.
Finally, follow through. Really do ignore those undue requests -- walk away if needed -- instead of engaging by reminding them.
But what if you have an upcoming time when you just can't manage misbehavior in the moment? (Cooking, work call, etc.) Then plan to "fill their attention basket" for 10 minutes just before the scheduled time. This should prevent them from resorting to misbehavior when you really need the time. (If you need to do it with multiple kids, start with the "easiest" and end with the one most likely to wheedle more attention, so they get their bucket filled closest to your work meeting or whatever.)
* p.198: When the kid demands "Special Service" (undue attention by asking you to do something you know they can handle), say: "I'm going to let you do that, because I know you can do it -- I have confidence that you can do it."
* p.241-2: If there's sibling rivalry over shared toys etc., establish a clear division of private vs common spaces. (OK to divide a shared bedroom into "private times" instead of spaces.) Then establish these rules:
1. When I choose to play in common area, I consent to having my siblings play with me. If I want to play alone, I can do that in a private area.
2. When I choose to leave my toys in a common area, I am sharing them with others. If I don't want them shared, I have to keep them in the private area.
3. Play fighting requires mutual consent -- we'll choose a family-recognized phrase ("Stop now"?) and agree to immediately stop if we hear it.
Also, when kids have trouble sharing, remind them to ask for toy with an open palm, not yank it away.
* p.262: Schedule a weekly Family Meeting. Start with compliments/appreciations (from each person to each other person). Then review the upcoming week's calendar. If needed, spend time on joint problem-solving or perhaps on training the kids in things like fire safety or phone etiquette. Next, pass out allowances. End by serving a snack and doing something fun together.
* p.268: "Don't bring a problem unless you come prepared with at least one or two possible solutions."
OMG I wish my colleagues used this rule for running faculty meetings!!!! Make clear separation between "time to vent" and "time to discuss & solve problems"...
Notes to self:
* p.21-22: Alfred Adler's child-psychology premises:
1. A child's primary goal is to achieve belonging and "significance" i.e. power (if they don't get them in positive ways, they'll resort to negative ways)
2. All behavior is goal-oriented (misbehavior is symptom of a deeper problem)
3. A misbehaving child is a discouraged child (they want you to help them feel belonging and significance, but don't know how)
And when they don't get these two necessary things, they go through the following stages:
1. Undue Attention -- whining, clinging, acting helpless, etc. in the hopes that parents will give them comfort i.e. a sense of belonging
2. Power -- challenging or provoking parents to get into a power struggle they can "win" to feel significant
3. Revenge -- if they still can't get either belonging or significance, get even with the parents by inflicting harm
4. Assumed Inadequacy -- if all of the above fail, kids just give up & detach & want to be left alone
[Our oldest is well into #1, Undue Attention. I guess I should be thankful it's not worse, and try to nip it in the bud. It's interesting to think about my other family members, and where they are in their dynamics with their own parents...]
* p.34-35: To "feed the meter" and prevent the kids from feeling detached or powerless in the first place, be sure to give *each* child some dedicated one-to-one time from *each* parent.
Aim for at least two 10-minute periods each day.
Ideally schedule these times, as part of a daily ROUTINE.
But also do this (1) when you can see their "attention basket" is nearly empty, and (2) when you're about to start something else that can't be interrupted (a work call, cooking on the hot stove, etc).
* p.57-59: "Personality priorities" self-quiz. Of the four parent "types," my wife and I both prioritize Pleasing and Controlling, much more so than Superiority or Comforting. I suspect we both default to starting in Pleasing mode (avoid conflict, too often doing things for the kids or reminding them instead of making them do/remember it themselves, even when it overburdens us)... Then when it fails, we snap ungracefully into Controlling mode (do it my way! because I said so!)
Unfortunately, the book's tips are contradictory here: Be less Pleasing by saying "No" more often, and be less Controlling by saying "Yes" more often! Maybe if we started out as less Pleasing in the first place, we wouldn't snap as much?
* p.63: Keep using your Calm Voice even when you're worked up. As hard as it is -- raising our voices won't help the kids act reasonably and make adult decisions themselves, which is ultimately what we want, right?
* p.96: Avoid "piggybacking" -- following a compliment by an "I told you so" or other snark, like "Wow, you spent a lot of time cleaning your room! If only it could stay this way all the time!"
By adding this extra piece of guilt/shame to the encouraging initial phrase, we deflate the pride/joy that we wanted them to feel about the job well done. Just stop after the encouragement itself.
* p.100: Avoid comparisons between siblings etc. Instead of "Come sit down at dinner like your brother," say "When everyone is sitting at the table, then we'll serve dinner."
* p.117-118: Explicitly *teach* the tasks you want them to take on. Give kids more responsibilities (not "chores" but "family contributions"), but make sure you've taken time to train them first.
Use role play to help -- ask the stuffed animals to take part, or switch roles so your kid can "teach" you the right way to do it.
Encourage good progress and avoid criticism, which apparently can set back the training.
* p.118-120: Good list of age-appropriate "family contributions":
2-3 YEARS OLD
- Wipe down kitchen chairs and stools with a damp sponge
- Carry in the newspaper or mail
- Pick up toys and clothes
- Wash tables and counters with a damp sponge
- Fold washcloths
- Wash vegetables, tear lettuce, stir
- Help set the table – napkins, silverware
- Feed the pets and refill water (Be sure to provide training on just how much food and water to offer!)
- Help clean own place at the table
- Help put groceries away at kid-friendly level
- Unload spoons and forks from dishwasher
4-5 YEARS OLD (same as previous list, plus…)
- Make own bed – use a simple comforter
- Help fold towels and washcloths
- Clean own bathroom sink with wipes
- Water plants (provide training on how much water)
- Prepare simple breakfast/lunch and clean up
- Polish silver (wearing gloves)
- Empty small trashcans around the house
- Sort white clothes from dark clothes for laundry
- Help with vacuuming, sweeping and dusting
- Transfer clothes from the washer to the dryer
- Dust mop the floor
- Use handheld vacuum for spills and messes
6-8 YEARS OLD
- Wash dishes; load and unload dishwasher
- Simple meal preparation – salads, desserts
- Help change bedsheets and put dirty sheets in laundry
- Pack lunch for school
- Iron cloth napkins
- Fold simple laundry items and put them away
- Dust baseboards
- Vacuum and dust furniture
- Walk pets daily
- Pull weeds
- Get self up in the morning with an alarm clock
- Put groceries away
9-11 YEARS OLD
- Household maintenance: change light bulbs, batteries
- Fold all of own laundry and put it away
- More detailed household cleaning: refrigerator, toilets
- Wash car & vacuum inside of car
- Plant flowers / garden items at change of season
- Assist younger siblings with homework / reading
- Bathe and groom pets
- Weekly trash duties: gather trash & take dumpster out
- Monthly closet & drawer organization
12-14 YEARS OLD
- Change bed sheets independently
- Laundry start to finish
- Wash indoor windows and lower outdoor windows
- Mow lawn, rake leaves, spread mulch
- Administrative tasks in parents’ business
- Prepare family meal 1 day/week using a simple menu
- Manage family recycling efforts
- Babysit siblings for short periods with adult nearby
- Have total responsibility for family pets
- Clean shower and tub
* p.141: Use "when-then" statements: When you finish X, then we can do Y.
Y should be a normally-occurring privilege, not a special-treat reward -- otherwise it's bribing.
Don't say "if" -- it makes Y feel like a bribe, and like you don't have confidence that your kid can handle X.
State your "when-then" clearly ONE time, then step back. If appropriate, set a deadline, but don't give reminders.
* p.145: Use when-then's as routines, not just one-offs. Make it clear what the daily routine is, to avoid repeated negotiations over daily tasks. Then the parents aren't the "bad guy" -- the routine itself provides the pressure to clean up etc.
Incorporate family contributions into the routines too.
Keep bedtimes etc consistent all week -- don't delay them on weekends, b/c kids' internal clocks don't recognize weekends and they'll just have trouble resetting each Monday.
Keep a routine for weekends and for summer too, even if it's modified. Still expect a few family contributions before playtime, etc.
For younger kids, keep it as a (picture?) checklist on a clipboard.
* p.162-6: To prevent misbehavior, often you need to make sure the kid really is trained. (Not following social rules? Make sure they know those rules in advance -- role-play with them to practice before you leave home.)
But if it persists, ideally you'd use Natural Consequences: When the kid doesn't listen to you, let them suffer the natural fallout. It's not you but rather the universe teaching them a lesson. E.g. if they repeatedly refuse to wear a jacket in winter, let them go outside in a t-shirt a few times and feel the cold... and they should learn the importance of jackets for themselves.
But can't do that for some things (not safe, or too long of a wait before "payoff," or it's more of a social rule) -- then try "Logical Consequences," which you as a parent impose but should still relate directly to the misbehavior.
Examples: Not brushing teeth? Then consequently you may decide they can't eat any sugar whatsoever, as an alternative way to avoid dental problems. Throwing toys? Then you might take that toy away for the day, as an alternative way to avoid mess and injury.
Whether Natural or Logical, to be a "consequence" and not just "punishment" make sure it's 1. Respectful (not a humiliating consequence), 2. Related to the misbehavior, 3. Reasonable (for the kid's maturity level), 4. Revealed in advance (so they make the choice of whether to behave or not *knowing* the conseq.), and 5. Repeated back to you (so you know they heard you).
Once you've stated it, turn your back and make it clear that you don't care which choice is made. In other words, whether they choose to behave or to misbehave and suffer the conseq, you'll be indifferent and simply follow through either way.
In either case, make sure you have given fair warning -- don't just impose these in anger on the spot.
* p.188: For heat-of-the-moment problems, when you don't have a prepared Natural/Logical Conseq, use "either/or"...
"Either you stop right now, or the conseq. will be Z!" ...
which frankly sounds like the same old punishments parents have always used, except stated (in the heat of the moment) as though it's the kid's choice. I guess that's marginally better, from the kid's perspective, than "Stop right now! You didn't stop? OK, now I will invent and impose a conseq.!"
(But it's SO hard to pause and invent a reasonable consequence on the spot, at the same time as I'm trying to get them to stop doing the dangerous/irresponsible thing!! Much easier to shout "Stop!" first and hope they do... or if they don't, to then apply punishment afterwards once you've had a moment to think it over. Not sure how practical this advice is. But on p.174: if you couldn't reveal a conseq. in advance, treat this misbehavior as a teaching moment / chance to train the kid, and then set up a conseq. for what'll happen NEXT time if it's ever repeated.)
* p.175-6: Consequences for harming someone else: "ask him what he needs to do to make it right with the other person, beyond the obligatory 'I'm sorry.' A hug, a note or another act of kindness is certainly in order---and chances are it will make both parties feel better. Your child will also develop a stronger sense of empathy and personal responsibility in the long run."
Conseq. for leaving toys out: lose the privilege of playing with them -- they'll be put away in a box for X days.
* p.190-194: How to handle Undue Attention-seeking behavior?
Start by making sure you *do* give the kid regular 1-1 time for clear undivided attention from each parent. Otherwise, I guess it's hard to call it "undue".
If it still persists, make an advance plan clear to your child: When you whine, my ears hurt and I will no longer pay attention to what you say in that tone of voice, but I'll happily listen when you speak in your normal voice. Or... When I'm cooking and unavailable to play, I will ignore requests to play, but I'll happily play with you after dinner.
Make sure they're trained in what the appropriate behavior actually is, incl. role-playing e.g. the difference between whiny and normal voice.
Finally, follow through. Really do ignore those undue requests -- walk away if needed -- instead of engaging by reminding them.
But what if you have an upcoming time when you just can't manage misbehavior in the moment? (Cooking, work call, etc.) Then plan to "fill their attention basket" for 10 minutes just before the scheduled time. This should prevent them from resorting to misbehavior when you really need the time. (If you need to do it with multiple kids, start with the "easiest" and end with the one most likely to wheedle more attention, so they get their bucket filled closest to your work meeting or whatever.)
* p.198: When the kid demands "Special Service" (undue attention by asking you to do something you know they can handle), say: "I'm going to let you do that, because I know you can do it -- I have confidence that you can do it."
* p.241-2: If there's sibling rivalry over shared toys etc., establish a clear division of private vs common spaces. (OK to divide a shared bedroom into "private times" instead of spaces.) Then establish these rules:
1. When I choose to play in common area, I consent to having my siblings play with me. If I want to play alone, I can do that in a private area.
2. When I choose to leave my toys in a common area, I am sharing them with others. If I don't want them shared, I have to keep them in the private area.
3. Play fighting requires mutual consent -- we'll choose a family-recognized phrase ("Stop now"?) and agree to immediately stop if we hear it.
Also, when kids have trouble sharing, remind them to ask for toy with an open palm, not yank it away.
* p.262: Schedule a weekly Family Meeting. Start with compliments/appreciations (from each person to each other person). Then review the upcoming week's calendar. If needed, spend time on joint problem-solving or perhaps on training the kids in things like fire safety or phone etiquette. Next, pass out allowances. End by serving a snack and doing something fun together.
* p.268: "Don't bring a problem unless you come prepared with at least one or two possible solutions."
OMG I wish my colleagues used this rule for running faculty meetings!!!! Make clear separation between "time to vent" and "time to discuss & solve problems"...
March 12, 2021
This is very good manual if you're having trouble with you kids' behavior, and not just them not listening. It offers practical and simple advice. I got this book from the library but likely will buy my own copy so I can reference it in the future. One of the things I liked is it focuses mostly on the parents' behavior -- how changing what we do affects our families for the better.
November 21, 2016
Lots of good ideas. I hope I can implement them. My only complaints were some of the high expectations on the chores list: I do not really expect my 6 year old to pack his own lunch or make his own sandwiches yet. I actually hate having my kids help in the kitchen. Such a pain in the you know what! Let's make macaroni and cheese together - oh wait, let's dump the powder and the milk and the macaroni all over the place and miss the pan entirely! Does that make me a coddler?
Also, I thought the kitchen closing at 6:30pm idea was great but would never fly in my house unless I got a lock on my pantry! I loved the "When/Then" idea and I used it right after I read it - and it worked! My child picked up his playroom after I told him, "When you pick up the playroom, then you can watch t.v." He whined of course... I ignored him and continued reading this book. About 5 minutes later, he did it! I also like the ideas about home organization - I hope to put some hooks low on the walls so my kids can at least hang their coats. Currently, they throw them on the floor because they cannot reach the hangers in the coast closet. All in all, I thought the book had some great suggestions. I still use time-out though....I think it can help diffuse a situation, separate siblings who are fighting, etc. Not sure if or when I will stop using time-out.
Also, I thought the kitchen closing at 6:30pm idea was great but would never fly in my house unless I got a lock on my pantry! I loved the "When/Then" idea and I used it right after I read it - and it worked! My child picked up his playroom after I told him, "When you pick up the playroom, then you can watch t.v." He whined of course... I ignored him and continued reading this book. About 5 minutes later, he did it! I also like the ideas about home organization - I hope to put some hooks low on the walls so my kids can at least hang their coats. Currently, they throw them on the floor because they cannot reach the hangers in the coast closet. All in all, I thought the book had some great suggestions. I still use time-out though....I think it can help diffuse a situation, separate siblings who are fighting, etc. Not sure if or when I will stop using time-out.
July 10, 2012
I'm not one to read parenting books (although why not give me some more creative solutions to use?), but I thought I would give this a try. The first few chapters are a little demoralizing, basically saying that everything I'm doing isn't working, but she does have some good suggestions if you stick with her. Spend more concentrated, quality time with the kids to give them the attention they crave, take time to train the child in the behaviors and tasks you want them to do, encourage instead of praise, empower the child with some control and choices, implement consequences instead of punishments, etc. I understand her basic psychology, and I do want to implement some of her tools, and I definitely need to work on improving my own reactions, but I also think that what works with one child will not work with the another child or even at another time. It is nice to have a few more tricks up my parenting sleeve, though.
April 23, 2017
At a point in our lives (three weeks ago) when my husband and I were just about to lose our shit over power struggles with our 3-1/3 year old, we found this book. Has it been a perfect solution to our issues? No. Has it helped in providing us tools to communicate more effectively with our daughter and diffuse volatile situations? Yes. Yes. Yes.
We aren't in a parenting paradise by any means but we are much better off than we were before. We read this along with a book by a different author and sort of combined all the tools and focus on what our daughter responds to best.
I still yell sometimes.
We aren't in a parenting paradise by any means but we are much better off than we were before. We read this along with a book by a different author and sort of combined all the tools and focus on what our daughter responds to best.
I still yell sometimes.
January 6, 2025
It’s hard for me to get into self help books and clearly this one was no different- it took me 5 months to read!
However, I did feel that there was a lot of good information, which is why I kept requesting it back. I’m glad I finished; it gave me a lot of ideas and made me think a lot about my parenting and what I can change or do better. I don’t think it’s an end-all-be-all book for parenting; does one such book exist? But I might take a few things from this book to add to my parenting to help my home feel calmer and to foster an environment where my kids can reach their full potential.
However, I did feel that there was a lot of good information, which is why I kept requesting it back. I’m glad I finished; it gave me a lot of ideas and made me think a lot about my parenting and what I can change or do better. I don’t think it’s an end-all-be-all book for parenting; does one such book exist? But I might take a few things from this book to add to my parenting to help my home feel calmer and to foster an environment where my kids can reach their full potential.
September 20, 2018
Lots of great ideas. Will see how execution goes...
August 29, 2023
While the strategies all made logical sense I found very little practicality in the tips to help implement them, and I particularly objected to dinner being considered a ‘privilege’ that could be revoked as a consequence of misbehaviour. Overall not a very helpful book.
April 2, 2024
One of the best parenting books I’ve ever read - and that’s saying a lot. There was so much great information in this book and she provided examples and scenarios to try her tactics. So much of it is also just taking a second to teach rather than acting on instinct or out of frustration! I will read this book again. I should listen to it on repeat for the remainder of the time my children live at home!!!
July 1, 2022
Lots of ideas for making your child feel included in your family while offering resources for dealing with unwanted behaviors. A great resource to look back on in the journey to be a "gentle parent". Already utilizing them and feeling more prepared to guide my children to adulthood.
March 17, 2017
Loved it, lots of great ideas and principles in this book!
September 26, 2017
Probably the best parenting book I'll ever read! Fun to read, well structured, and containing loads of useful and easy to apply parenting strategies.
September 18, 2017
I bought this one. It has great advice organized and layed out well. I like the focus on connecting with children and making routines to avoid power struggles. This will be one of two go to parenting books for me.
January 2, 2018
The only complaint I have about this book might be the cover and title: they don't do justice to the elegant, compassionate, articulate way that Amy McCready lays out a systematic and incredibly effective approach to parenting. I've read just about every parenting book out there because being a parent is the most important job I'll ever have in my life, and I take it extremely seriously. This book leaves almost all of the other parenting books behind in the dust. It's the first book that leaves me feeling clear-headed and confident in my parenting philosophy. Amy's program resonates with what I inherently know to be true: I don't want to yell, nag, and remind, but I also don't want to be a pushover. I want to give my kids freedom to be who they are and express themselves, but I also don't want my children to be disrespectful and entitled. This book will NOT work for parents seeking a quick-fix or who aren't willing to listen to /carefully read each suggestion and follow ALL the components. The methods in the book build upon one another and require a certain amount of attention, work, dedication, consistency, and sometimes a willingness to admit that we parents don't always have all the answers and may need to tweak, adjust, and learn from our mistakes sometimes in order to grow. My spirited, strong-willed four-year-old has not changed her personality after we read this book and started applying its principles, but our relationship with her is deeper, richer, and infinitely more respectful, relaxed, and rewarding--mainly because the precious time we spend together is filled overall with less correcting and more connecting. This book is a life-changer. I'm currently reading her other book (The Me, Me, Me Epidemic), and Amy's online course at Positive Parenting Solutions is even better than this book and worth every penny. What a gift!
March 14, 2013
How many times have you wished you had a different solution when your kids act up than threatening with a time out or losing your cool and demanding they just do what you say? Situations that pit child against parent may come up multiple times a day, particularly when you have preschoolers testing limits to see how much they can get away with or teens seeking to assert their independence.
Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions, Inc., knows about the day-to-day power struggles that go on in families and she’s got advice that can help the next time you’re faced with a child who refuses to brush her teeth, get off the computer and come to dinner, or put his clothes in a hamper for washing. McCready’s book, If I Have to Tell You One More Time… lays out many scenarios where power struggles may arise and gives suggestions for getting results without yelling, pleading, or overreacting with over-the-top punishments.
The subhead for the book says a lot about what you can find inside: The Revolutionary Program That Gets Your Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding, or Yelling. I would have loved to have this guide when my daughters were younger. Each issue of childhood misbehavior has a Toolbox Solution—there are 23 toolboxes in all—that explains the solution, when to use it, why it works and gives tips for success. The only thing I believe could have made the book more useful is a more descriptive table of contents that outlines the issues and toolboxes in each chapter. That would make it easier to refer back to when needed. Even so, If I Have to Tell You One More Time… is a valuable tool to have on your parenting advice bookshelf.
The publisher provided me with a copy of this book for review in exchange for my honest review.
Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions, Inc., knows about the day-to-day power struggles that go on in families and she’s got advice that can help the next time you’re faced with a child who refuses to brush her teeth, get off the computer and come to dinner, or put his clothes in a hamper for washing. McCready’s book, If I Have to Tell You One More Time… lays out many scenarios where power struggles may arise and gives suggestions for getting results without yelling, pleading, or overreacting with over-the-top punishments.
The subhead for the book says a lot about what you can find inside: The Revolutionary Program That Gets Your Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding, or Yelling. I would have loved to have this guide when my daughters were younger. Each issue of childhood misbehavior has a Toolbox Solution—there are 23 toolboxes in all—that explains the solution, when to use it, why it works and gives tips for success. The only thing I believe could have made the book more useful is a more descriptive table of contents that outlines the issues and toolboxes in each chapter. That would make it easier to refer back to when needed. Even so, If I Have to Tell You One More Time… is a valuable tool to have on your parenting advice bookshelf.
The publisher provided me with a copy of this book for review in exchange for my honest review.
June 17, 2013
This book was really good for a parenting book! My favorite thing the author talks about is that kids need time spent individually with a parent doing what the child wants to do every day - just for a small amount of time. Children want to belong and feel significant. I know making ONE ON ONE time for my kids each individually every day is something I can do better at, and I really hope that applying this will stop a lot of misbehavior! A lot of what she talks about reminded me of things I learned in a Love & Logic course (using encouragement instead of praise, using "when/then" phrases instead of telling kids to do something, using natural consequences, using a calm voice, offering choices, and avoiding power struggles by not ordering or correcting or directing). Reading and believing her theories and advice is a lot easier than really using them as a parent...so we'll see how it goes!
April 16, 2015
I read a lot of parenting books, but this is one of my favorites. I was "introduced" to Amy McCready when a blog I read offered a free parenting seminar from her. I loved the free seminar so much I signed up for her course. It is pricey, but worth every single penny. I picked up the book, which is basically her course in a nutshell.
For each of her parenting "tools," McCready gives an explanation of the psychology behind it, the actions of the parent, and the expected actions of the child. And they work! Whenever my kids start acting up, I realize that I've been neglecting Mind, Body, and Soul time, and as soon as I start using it again, my children start behaving again. More than worth the Amazon price tag. I will return to it to remind myself of the tools.
For each of her parenting "tools," McCready gives an explanation of the psychology behind it, the actions of the parent, and the expected actions of the child. And they work! Whenever my kids start acting up, I realize that I've been neglecting Mind, Body, and Soul time, and as soon as I start using it again, my children start behaving again. More than worth the Amazon price tag. I will return to it to remind myself of the tools.
August 18, 2017
I found this book to have very concrete ideas for parenting strategies. The ideas aren't novel, but they shouldn't really be. The book is formatted in a clear, easy to grasp, easy to implement way. We've been using the When-Then and Either-Or tools with decent success. Still trying to figure out what works for us to fill up the kids Attention and Power buckets. I think in the past I've focused more on Attention and not necessarily Power, and I can see how they're both important and how having these unfulfilled leads to attention-seeking behaviors and power struggles. I plan on purchasing a used copy so we can write notes in it.
May 12, 2014
I love any parenting book that highlights proactive and positive approaches to interacting with children. McCready encourages parents to help children feel both a sense of belonging and power in a positive way. She discusses several tools to prevent misbehavior in the first place, but also gives concrete ideas on what to do when misbehavior inevitably arises. I've tried a few of her strategies sporadically and have already noticed a difference in behavior. This is a book I will be referring to often.
January 22, 2016
I really enjoyed this book it gave and refreshed some basic tools I can use to have life go smoother around my house. The first tool in the toolbox has been extremely helpful around our house and made a big difference in almost all areas of behavior. While there are strategies for all ages introduced here I felt like most of the ideas were geared towards ages 6 and up, but I still found plenty of advice for how to deal with my toddlers, and hurrah there is less yelling from me occurring in our house...success!
April 19, 2019
I first got onto Amy through a Facebook ad. I watched her intro video and felt that it resonated with me so much. I started implementing her tips with my son and they work! I then signed up for the online lifetime membership course and am pleased that I did. But for those who can't afford the investment, the book is a great rundown of what the course covers. If you struggle with your kids and find yourself yelling at them even though you don't want to, then I heartily recommend you try Amy's methods.
April 5, 2019
I saw immediate results when I began using the mind-body-soul tool. My son, who generally prefers his Dad, already has our time for the day planned out when I walk in the door. He also started keeping a list of things in Google Keep that he shared with me for times when he may not have an idea as a back up. This was just on the second day of implementation! I look forward to employing other strategies.
September 23, 2012
This is a pretty good book that includes most of the positive discipline strategies that have worked for me, with the underlying psychology. Understanding what a child's motivations are goes a long way toward working out your differences. Now, my children can testify that I never quite got over yelling . . . or reminding or nagging . . . but every little bit helps.
January 10, 2015
This confirmed my parenting advice-don't read parenting books. Or blogs.
February 5, 2016
I have to admit I skimmed this. Terrible parenting methods. Please for the sake of society don't read this book!
February 1, 2020
I have a video series of hers. This stuff really helped out family. It's all me changing and the kids responding. I can control me!
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