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384 pages, Mass Market Paperback
First published August 28, 2018
"We parents think we're being supportive, encouraging the kids to be individuals, but the kids see a mountain of expectations they can't live up to. We send them to school to make friends, but the other kids aren't their friends; they're the competition and that competition gets fierce. They're as cutthroat as day traders who will exploit any weakness to get ahead. We tell them they're special, they're smart, they're great, they can do anything but at some point reality catches up and they figure out they're not going to be a neurosurgeon and marry a supermodel and drive a Jag. Then they get scared. And then they get angry."
. . . "We were all better off when our parents were happy as long as we moved into the next grade. We weren't expected to get straight A's and captain the T-ball team and take piano lessons at the same time."
"And heroes were baseball players who played for the sport and not a million a game."
But even with not great parents, let me tell you something about the self-esteem of the average baby, toddler, schoolkid. It's pretty darn good. They have the time and freedom to devote themselves entirely to their own causes. Bobby didn't steal something from the corner store because he feel worthless or because he wants attention from Daddy. He stole because he wanted something and he didn't have the money to pay for it. It benefited him. Children do things that benefit them. All we do when we say they need more self-esteem or they need more love or they need more attention is provide excuses to kids who are already pretty good at thinking up excuses already."
... For a child psychologist that's pretty, um---
"Harsh?" ... "It's not. Because the flip side of this is that children are naturally empathetic. Infants will share their toys with another crying infant. Like any other characteristic it will occur more or less - some people get along well with math and others with art, for example - but it can be taught to those who don't have it naturally. That's what I'm doing with the six-year-old. Like any toddler he screamed to get what he wanted, like a toy or ice cream instead of dinner. Most parents would put down a gentle foot, but some parents - and teachers too- simply don't have a clue and give in to get the noise to stop. Well, it takes the average baby about two seconds to figure out that this works and then they're off and screaming. . . . Around three or four they start to enjoy it. Manipulating Mom and Dad is no longer a means to the end; it's the end itself. Why kids who aren't bullied at home still become bullies at school. It's a technique they stumbled on and it gave them a high. They become addicted to the power."
"So how do you 'turn them around'?"
"Teach them empathy. " . . . "Every toddler lies and steals at some point - 'I didn't take the cookie, my sister Susie did.' The worst thing you can do is say, 'Well, every toddler lies and steal at some point.' You can punish the kid, no cookies for a week, and that's good except he might just decide to get better at stealing. He doesn't consider it wrong, just inconvenient if caught. Some parents say 'Well, I don't know who took it so no cookies for Junior or Susie for a week' - that's not so good because even Junior can figure out that's not fair, and if you're not fair, why should he be? . . .
"The best thing to do if your toddler lies, cheats, steals? Burst into tears. Ham it up a little if you can. If just once they see how their actions are affecting you, they may do an instant one-eighty. Next, tell Junior he has to do something nice for Susie since he tried to frame the poor girl. Praise him when he does this nice thing. He gets a high. The goal is to train the kids to get the same high from helping people as they had from hurting them."
5 stars - OUTSTANDING