Condensed Book

by Peter Cherches

This collection of reductions, distillations and parodies contains a delectable assortment of surprising, delightful and sometimes frightening miniatures by a writer whose most profound influence is the 30-second spot. If less is more, then Condensed Book is the next best thing to no book at all.

120 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1986

Reviews

[Glenn Russell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Condensed Book - A string of micro-fictions penned by the one and only Peter Cherches, Brooklyn born and East Village cooked, a writer dedicated to the funky offbeat and the nerdish out-there flaky.

A batch of tantalizing tales collected and condensed here, including one where the highlight of a narrator's life is combining all sorts and types of Campbell's Soup - creating varieties like my personal favorite: tomato noodle broccoli barley bacon.

To share a condensed taste of Condensed Book, here are the opening micro-paragraphs from one Cherches cracker in the book box, a perfect prototype of Peter's peculiar portfolio:

MR. CHERCHES MAILS A LETTER
It's another day. There are so many of them. Seven days in a week, thirty in a month, or thirty-one, or sometimes twenty-eight or twenty-nine, three hundred sixty-five days in a year, and leap years have an extra day, so many days, so much time to fill, twenty-four hours in a day, sixty minutes an hour, sixty seconds a minute, so much time and so little to do.

It's another day and Mr. Cherches can't decide what to do. What to do, what to do, so much time and so little to do. Mr. Cherches says to himself. What shall I do.

Look out the window, Mr. Cherches.

Mr. Cherches looks out the window. It is a bright, sunny day. What shall I do on this bright sunny day? Mr. Churches wonders.

One should go out on a bright, sunny day. Bright, sunny days are just right for going out, just as dark, gloomy days are just right for staying in.

Mr. Cherches stayed in yesterday. Yesterday was a dark, gloomy day and Mr. Cherches stayed in. It was a good day for staying in. But Mr. Cherches hates to do the same thing two days in a row, that makes for a boring existence, and anyway, one should not stay in on a bright sunny day, for bright sunny days are made for going out.

Go out, Mr. Cherches, go out. It's a bright, sunny day; go out and make the most of it.

But I went out two days ago, Mr. Cherches remembers. And I hate to do the same thing twice in three days, that makes for such a boring existence.

Go out and do something, Mr. Cherches, go out and do something.

Do something! What a delightful idea, Mr. Cherches thinks. Not just go out, but go out and do something, what a marvelous idea. But what to do, what to do, Mr. Cherches wonders. What shall I do on this bright, sunny day?

Take a walk, take a stroll, see the sights, breathe the air.

But I took a walk last Thursday, I took a stroll on Friday, I saw the sights on Saturday, and I breathed the air on Sunday. I hate to do the same things over and over. It makes for a boring existence.

Go to the store, look at the pretty women, mail a letter, but do something, Mr. Cherches, do something.

I went to the store on July fifteenth. I looked at the pretty women on September twenty-sixth, but I can't remember the last time I mailed a letter, Mr. Cherches remembers. Mailing a letter, that's how I'll spend my day. There's so much time and so little to do that new and unusual experiences make for an exciting existence. I'm going to mail a letter on this bight, sunny day, Hooray!

Mr. Cherches puts on his jacket. Mr. Cherches puts on his cap. Mr Cherches leaves his apartment and greets the day. It is a bright, sunny day. Mr. Sun smiles at Mr. Cherches. Mr. Cherches smiles at Mr. Sun.

It is such a nice day that Mr. Cherches begins to sing:

I'm going to mail a letter.
I'm going to mail a letter.
Things could be no better,
I'm a real go-getter,
It's a bright, sunny day,
And I hope it stays that way,
'Cause I'm going to mail a letter today, hey-hey,
I'm going to mail a letter today.

Mr. Cherches walks down the block until he reaches a mailbox. Mr. Cherches is going to mail a letter. Mr. Cherches is going to drop a letter in the mailbox. This is the climax of his day.

But wait! There's a problem - Mr. Cherches has neglected one important detail - he doesn't have a letter to mail.

Mr. Cherches, Mr. Cherches, one cannot mail a letter unless one has a letter to mail.

Can it be true? Mr. Cherches wonders. Does one really need to have a letter to mail before one can mail a letter?

It sounds logical, but what will I do now?

---------

You will have to pick up a copy of Condensed Book to find out for yourself if Mr. Cherches solves the convoluted conundrum of mailing a letter.

Mr. Cherches Mails a Letter can also be found in Peter's Autobiography Without Words.




Back Cover of original 1986 publication of Condensed Book