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246 pages, Paperback
First published January 11, 2018
J’avais écrit un poème, mais pas dans le contexte qu’elle raconte dans son livre, ni à la date qu’elle dit. Elle a créé une fiction autour de ce poème. Pour moi, c’était très pertinent, très intéressant. Cette démarche m’a beaucoup interrogée, notamment le fait d’utiliser un élément du réel dans une perspective de fiction.
Oh fuck off! was one of my mother’s refrains, as was ordering us to go fuck ourselves or to fucking leave her alone, to stop fucking around, to understand that she didn’t give a fuck about our little moral dilemmas or the concerns of a couple of spoiled brats. Oh will you please fuck off! Who gives a shit about your stupid problems! Maman’s diatribes didn’t build to that climax – that was their starting point. My sister and I were so often subject to her harangues that from the opening notes, we’d avoid looking each other in the eye; we’d look at our feet instead. Let her have her say, above all, don’t look up – that was our rule. And no laughing, not even when her tirades became extravagant to the point of hilarity, to the point where we had to pinch ourselves to keep from giggling. We’d try to appear contrite, repentant, even when she’d hit us with the clincher, the craziest line of all: You do realise, don’t you, that I wiped your asses for years! That sentence, a classic in her repertoire, amounted to proof positive that the woman was nuts. How could we take such a declaration seriously? We hadn’t asked for any of this, above all, we hadn’t asked to be born to such a lunatic!
A faint odour of death lingered in Maman’s lips when she came to tuck me in at night. There were flecks of foam at the corners of her mouth; her breath had a musty smell. Her complexion had been blanched by sadness, her eyes clouded by doubt, rage, anguish, and more doubt again; her dirty blonde hair hung limp; her sharp cheekbones pressed into my still-round cheeks. Once she’d left my room the odour of her breath, laced with alcohol and pills, clung to my sheets. Her signature scents, Fidji by Guy Laroche, First by Van Cleef & Arpels, languished in the back of a closet. In the medicine cabinet, the various eaux de toilette that, before her hospital stay, she’d worn with haughty coquetry had been relegated to the last place on the shelves. Everywhere there were bottles of pills.
Maman, whose oral performances were exhaustive, endless, tried to keep her writing brief. Such concision was unlike her, it didn’t take into account the complexity of her story, its contradictions. In rereading her book, I don’t find her voice in it; the sentences – the verses – seem studied, affected. She would never have allowed herself to write as she spoke, bombastically and with delight. In my opinion this was a mistake. Her voice was so much more beautiful in its outrageousness. Restraint didn’t suit her, restraint was antithetical to her personality, whether the restraint was stylistic or syntactical.
After all, it’s Catherine who asks this guy, soon to be her husband, to leave their home when her ex comes by, so that her ex can see his daughters without his rival being in the way. The guy didn’t have to be asked twice. He has dinner and then promptly returns to his nearby office, and sometimes as a result, he gets caught up in the piles of work, and in fact yes, he comes home a bit late, the children are already asleep and his wife is too. She doesn’t question the business trips he goes on, men take business trips, men like him, who wear pin-striped suits and leather loafers and carry monogrammed briefcases. She’s completely shocked when she discovers that he’s been fucking his secretary for months already, and that it isn’t his first infidelity. She’s stunned because it isn’t at all like the portrait of the man that she’d painted for herself, the picture of the life that she thought she’d hung above her mantelpiece. But it’s not just the picture that’s been damaged, it’s the wall, the entire structure that has crumbled. She didn’t leave the man she loved, loved body and soul, to find herself fucked over by this asshole.
Her wide-open eyes are staring at a crack that she thinks she can see opening, discharging a swarm of strange creatures, insects, nameless things, now she feels them entering her body. Please make them go away, she screams, the things, things, go away, please, make them. She can’t breathe, how will she make it, she’s not at all strong anymore, she doesn’t know how she’s going to get up, she can’t bear it anymore, how will she ever get up from so much pain. She’s in such pain. It’s too much pain! She rolls out of bed, collapses in a corner of the room, hiding from something only she can see. For fuck’s sake. Can’t you tell? I’m dying! I’m fucking dying! Now the noises are no longer words. She’s left the world of men, entered a realm beyond reason.
Our pain had abolished all sense of proportion, all restraint – we were shameless, feral. As long as we were still working on Maman’s behalf, attempting to carry out her wishes in death, we were in some sense keeping her alive, and we would have been capable of coming to blows, we could have hit, scratched or bitten any person who tried to stand in the way of our plans.