What do you think?
Rate this book
The Tales of Pell #3
The Princess Beard
Shave the princess? Inconceivable! The hilarious bestselling authors of Kill the Farm Boy and No Country for Old Gnomes are back with a new adventure in the irreverent world of Pell.
Once upon a time, a princess slept in a magical tower cloaked in thorns and roses.
When she woke, she found no Prince Charming, only a surfeit of hair and grotesquely long fingernails--which was, honestly, better than some creep who acted without consent. She cut off her long braids and used them to escape. But she kept the beard because it made a great disguise.
This is not a story about finding true love's kiss--it's a story about finding yourself. On a pirate ship. Where you belong.
But these are no ordinary pirates aboard The Puffy Peach, serving under Filthy Lucre, the one-eyed parrot pirate captain. First there's Vic, a swole and misogynistic centaur on a mission to expunge himself of the magic that causes him to conjure tea and dainty cupcakes in response to stress. Then there's Tempest, who's determined to become the first dryad lawyer--preferably before she takes her ultimate form as a man-eating tree. They're joined by Alobartalus, an awkward and unelfly elf who longs to meet his hero, the Sn'archivist who is said to take dictation directly from the gods of Pell. Throw in some mystery meat and a dastardly capitalist plot, and you've got one Pell of an adventure on the high seas!
In this new escapade set in the magical land of Pell, Delilah S. Dawson and Kevin Hearne lovingly skewer the tropes of fairy tales and create a new kind of fantasy: generous, gently humorous, and inclusive. There might also be otters.
Once upon a time, a princess slept in a magical tower cloaked in thorns and roses.
When she woke, she found no Prince Charming, only a surfeit of hair and grotesquely long fingernails--which was, honestly, better than some creep who acted without consent. She cut off her long braids and used them to escape. But she kept the beard because it made a great disguise.
This is not a story about finding true love's kiss--it's a story about finding yourself. On a pirate ship. Where you belong.
But these are no ordinary pirates aboard The Puffy Peach, serving under Filthy Lucre, the one-eyed parrot pirate captain. First there's Vic, a swole and misogynistic centaur on a mission to expunge himself of the magic that causes him to conjure tea and dainty cupcakes in response to stress. Then there's Tempest, who's determined to become the first dryad lawyer--preferably before she takes her ultimate form as a man-eating tree. They're joined by Alobartalus, an awkward and unelfly elf who longs to meet his hero, the Sn'archivist who is said to take dictation directly from the gods of Pell. Throw in some mystery meat and a dastardly capitalist plot, and you've got one Pell of an adventure on the high seas!
In this new escapade set in the magical land of Pell, Delilah S. Dawson and Kevin Hearne lovingly skewer the tropes of fairy tales and create a new kind of fantasy: generous, gently humorous, and inclusive. There might also be otters.
384 pages, Hardcover
First published October 8, 2019
147 people are currently reading
3077 people want to read
About the author
Delilah S. Dawson
172 books2,762 followersDelilah S. Dawson is the New York Times-bestselling author of Star Wars: Phasma, Black Spire: Galaxy's Edge, and The Perfect Weapon. With Kevin Hearne, she writes the Tales of Pell. As Lila Bowen, she writes the Shadow series, beginning with Wake of Vultures. Her other books include the Blud series, the Hit series, and Servants of the Storm.
She's written comics in the worlds of Marvel Action: Spider-Man, Lore's Wellington, Star Wars Adventures, Star Wars Forces of Destiny, The X-Files Case Files, Adventure Time, Rick and Morty, and her creator-owned comics include Star Pig, Ladycastle, and Sparrowhawk.
Find out more at www.whimsydark.com.
She's written comics in the worlds of Marvel Action: Spider-Man, Lore's Wellington, Star Wars Adventures, Star Wars Forces of Destiny, The X-Files Case Files, Adventure Time, Rick and Morty, and her creator-owned comics include Star Pig, Ladycastle, and Sparrowhawk.
Find out more at www.whimsydark.com.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 325 reviews
November 20, 2019
The biggest thing I can say about this book was that it tried too hard. I found this in the library in the new section, and as i don't normally read books that JUST came out, I decided to give it a read. The first few pages looked interesting and i like fantasies that treat themselves differently than the normal Tolkien fare. However, this book... well... the best way to describe it, is that it GRAZED the marks, but didn't really hit any of them.
So the first and most glaring problem with this book are the out of place, cultural references and anachronisms. The authors of this book don't seem to understand that a reference in and of itself, is not funny.
Here is a short list of "quirky" references
- they meet a guy named robin and they introduce him to his son as robin's son crusoe.
- one of the characters for really no reason goes "life uh, finds a way"
- their cannon is called the "tampoon" named aunt flo' and is fired by a pirate named Mo Tryn
- a pirate's name is Quort Quobain.
These things..they're not jokes. they're not funny. they're literally just references. they're references to things that don't even exist in this universe so that makes it even stranger. One of the main plot points is even that there's a chain of restaurants called "Dinny's."
The best way i can describe these references is like you're driving in a car, going about 40 but every few blocks you have to hit the brakes because a red light pops out of nowhere.
You're reading a relatively decent fun story about pirates and magic and then it comes to a SCREECHING halt because they feel the need to make a 3 page joke about how hogwarts is silly. Yes i'm dead serious.
There are other problems too. The other biggest one is the pacing. It's hard to describe but it's both rushed and very slow at the same time. There's 5 main characters all with different motivations and story arcs to go through. So they're trying to introduce these characters, have us feel for them, send them on a journey of self discovery, and wrap all their storylines up in 360 pages. That's not nearly enough time.
And therein lies the problem. While the characters were somewhat interesting to START, I didn't care enough about their journeys because i didn't get to know enough about THEM. This needed to be at LEAST another book for me to actually care about any of them.
I didn't really get ANYBODY'S inner workings or their motivations, or anything like that. I just kind of..guessed what they wanted as their motivations were very...simple and boring.
Intersperced throughout the story there were also very juvenile jokes. the afformentioned period joke, jokes about butts, balls, poop, etc were abound in this book. Which really left me the question of WHO this was written for. I don't understand the target audience for this book. It was trying to be risque yet childish at the same time with no real direction. it was written by two people and it really feels like it. Everything really seems haphazard about the writing and it just doesn't work.
It makes me sad because i liked the idea and the characters were cute as well at first, but they don't really develop or grow, they get stale, and i don't feel like they're ALIVE. Like, i couldn't get into any of their heads and everything seemed very quickly resolved and yet boring. When you use the word "Swole" to describe your medieval centaur for the 37th time, it gets very frustrating. I wish i had kept track on how many times they called him Swole. needless to say, if i got a dollar for every time they said it, i could have bought this book several times over.
Overall, i SEE what they were trying to do, but the execution just wasn't there. it needed more time to flesh out the characters, give some of them more likable or at least DEEP personalities, and for the love of GOD drop the references. they're NOT FUNNY. I wanted to give this book a 2.5/5 but since Goodreads doesn't do 1/2 stars i have to round it down. it doesn't deserve a 3 to be honest. 2.5/5 rounded down to a 2.
So the first and most glaring problem with this book are the out of place, cultural references and anachronisms. The authors of this book don't seem to understand that a reference in and of itself, is not funny.
Here is a short list of "quirky" references
- they meet a guy named robin and they introduce him to his son as robin's son crusoe.
- one of the characters for really no reason goes "life uh, finds a way"
- their cannon is called the "tampoon" named aunt flo' and is fired by a pirate named Mo Tryn
- a pirate's name is Quort Quobain.
These things..they're not jokes. they're not funny. they're literally just references. they're references to things that don't even exist in this universe so that makes it even stranger. One of the main plot points is even that there's a chain of restaurants called "Dinny's."
The best way i can describe these references is like you're driving in a car, going about 40 but every few blocks you have to hit the brakes because a red light pops out of nowhere.
You're reading a relatively decent fun story about pirates and magic and then it comes to a SCREECHING halt because they feel the need to make a 3 page joke about how hogwarts is silly. Yes i'm dead serious.
There are other problems too. The other biggest one is the pacing. It's hard to describe but it's both rushed and very slow at the same time. There's 5 main characters all with different motivations and story arcs to go through. So they're trying to introduce these characters, have us feel for them, send them on a journey of self discovery, and wrap all their storylines up in 360 pages. That's not nearly enough time.
And therein lies the problem. While the characters were somewhat interesting to START, I didn't care enough about their journeys because i didn't get to know enough about THEM. This needed to be at LEAST another book for me to actually care about any of them.
I didn't really get ANYBODY'S inner workings or their motivations, or anything like that. I just kind of..guessed what they wanted as their motivations were very...simple and boring.
Intersperced throughout the story there were also very juvenile jokes. the afformentioned period joke, jokes about butts, balls, poop, etc were abound in this book. Which really left me the question of WHO this was written for. I don't understand the target audience for this book. It was trying to be risque yet childish at the same time with no real direction. it was written by two people and it really feels like it. Everything really seems haphazard about the writing and it just doesn't work.
It makes me sad because i liked the idea and the characters were cute as well at first, but they don't really develop or grow, they get stale, and i don't feel like they're ALIVE. Like, i couldn't get into any of their heads and everything seemed very quickly resolved and yet boring. When you use the word "Swole" to describe your medieval centaur for the 37th time, it gets very frustrating. I wish i had kept track on how many times they called him Swole. needless to say, if i got a dollar for every time they said it, i could have bought this book several times over.
Overall, i SEE what they were trying to do, but the execution just wasn't there. it needed more time to flesh out the characters, give some of them more likable or at least DEEP personalities, and for the love of GOD drop the references. they're NOT FUNNY. I wanted to give this book a 2.5/5 but since Goodreads doesn't do 1/2 stars i have to round it down. it doesn't deserve a 3 to be honest. 2.5/5 rounded down to a 2.
November 10, 2019
I don’t know that I’ve ever been so mad at a book.
Dear reviewers, never link another writer to Terry Pratchett unless they live up to the name.
Terry Pratchett means the world to me because he knows how to make a person feel like they need to be better purely through character, story, and witty jokes. This book is the most unsubtle, annoying attempt at satire I’ve ever experienced, and I wish I hadn’t purchased a $30 book for a pretty cover and the promise of Pratchett-Esque writing.
Dear reviewers, never link another writer to Terry Pratchett unless they live up to the name.
Terry Pratchett means the world to me because he knows how to make a person feel like they need to be better purely through character, story, and witty jokes. This book is the most unsubtle, annoying attempt at satire I’ve ever experienced, and I wish I hadn’t purchased a $30 book for a pretty cover and the promise of Pratchett-Esque writing.
November 10, 2019
Another fun romp through Pell with another great cast of quirky characters and a few infrequent nods to characters from Kill the Farm Boy and No Country for Old Gnomes. If you aren't familiar with those two stories, The Princess Beard can be enjoyed as a stand-alone; it may be slightly less enjoyable but any fantasy geek will enjoy the many references to various tropes and characters from popular fiction and fairy tales.
Despite the title, this is not a straight pastiche of Goldman's The Princess Bride. It also has less potty humor than the prior two tales and I think it quite suitable for any age group who love adventure stories whether you are old enough to appreciate the references or not.
This whole series would make a great TV show for the family.
Despite the title, this is not a straight pastiche of Goldman's The Princess Bride. It also has less potty humor than the prior two tales and I think it quite suitable for any age group who love adventure stories whether you are old enough to appreciate the references or not.
This whole series would make a great TV show for the family.
November 5, 2019
Ugh. DNF.
I gave the first two 3 stars. Of #2 I wrote, "The humour seemed to be aimed at a slightly younger audience than last time, and some of it just seemed to be trying too hard. This would have been better with a third of the jokes removed."
Unfortunately that comment stands this time. Now it's aimed at kids who will laugh if you say "booger," no matter how many times you say it.
Tales of Pell? I lasted quite a few pages and saw no evidence that this was Pell, or anywhere other than Generic Fantasy Land. We meet new characters, and in my case fail to identify with any of them, perhaps because they are aimed MUCH younger than me.
The plot gets off to a decent start with Lady Harkovrita, then grinds to a near halt as we meet the others. What should be an exciting seagoing battle becomes a yawner as characters are killed messily but the important characters are all "yeah, too bad, man, hey are you gonna finish that?"
What made this book putdownable, though, was that it felt as if we had reached "no joke too lame" point, as if there were some kind of publisher's deadline, let's just give them their volume three and get on with our lives.
I'ma get on with MY life.
I gave the first two 3 stars. Of #2 I wrote, "The humour seemed to be aimed at a slightly younger audience than last time, and some of it just seemed to be trying too hard. This would have been better with a third of the jokes removed."
Unfortunately that comment stands this time. Now it's aimed at kids who will laugh if you say "booger," no matter how many times you say it.
Tales of Pell? I lasted quite a few pages and saw no evidence that this was Pell, or anywhere other than Generic Fantasy Land. We meet new characters, and in my case fail to identify with any of them, perhaps because they are aimed MUCH younger than me.
The plot gets off to a decent start with Lady Harkovrita, then grinds to a near halt as we meet the others. What should be an exciting seagoing battle becomes a yawner as characters are killed messily but the important characters are all "yeah, too bad, man, hey are you gonna finish that?"
What made this book putdownable, though, was that it felt as if we had reached "no joke too lame" point, as if there were some kind of publisher's deadline, let's just give them their volume three and get on with our lives.
I'ma get on with MY life.
September 30, 2019
I received a copy of The Princess Beard through NetGalley in exchange for a fair and honest review.
The Princess Beard is the third novel in the Tales of Pell series, which is a joint project by Delilah S. Dawson and Kevin Hearne. Together these two authors have created a truly inane and amazing world.
The Tales of Pell is a world full of fairy tales flipped on their heads, with dozens of stereotypes warped into the funniest ways imaginable. They stretch plots to their extremes, and have oh so much fun along the way.
There once was a princess who fell to sleep thanks to a magical rose that cursed her. It was her second curse, which resulted in some interesting side effects. Now that she's awake, she's determined to change her destiny. And maybe save some otters along the way.
This novel is full of unique and brilliant characters, all quirky, silly, and utterly lovable. Morgan is the princess who woke up from a cursed slumber...and she wasn't too thrilled about the massive amount of hair and nails she grew during that time. Though she's cool with keeping the beard. And with becoming a pirate.
Vic is a centaur with a specific gift. He can summon tea and biscuits on a whim. But he doesn't want that power – he wants to be all swoll and tough. And ideally, have everyone know exactly how manly and macho he is.
Tempest is a dryad, and now that she and her sisters have been newly freed, she has big plans for her life. That is, she's got plans on how to spend the part of her life before she turns into a giant and blood hungry tree. That part is already set in stone for her, and the rest of her kind for that matter.
Albartalus, aka Al, is the world's worst elf. He doesn't look or act like any other elf out there. Unless you count his talent for taking advantage of rubes. But he wants better for his life. He wants something new and better.
“Everyone loved dryads and drynads when they lived as slightly leafy humans, looking beautiful and healing folks of any ailment, but no one wanted to tolerate them when they were living the part of their life cycle that required them to be bloodthirsty trees.”
The Princess Beard was an amazing followup in the Tales of Pell series. It was so much fun – lighthearted, chaotic, and just a tiny bit crazy. Just the way I like it. I adore what Dawson and Hearne have created together here. And it has left me hoping to see more author collaborations in the future.
The sass and satire were strong in the third novel in the series, as it continued to warp and twist stereotypes and expectations left and right. And it was glorious. Some of this I had been expecting; fun twists on the classic fairy tales. I still loved those moments.
But then there were some surprising twists and moments. Such as the voyage and seas they were on – a surprise which I will not ruin by talking about in too much detail. The other surprise? Taking a massively popular novel series and just having a blast warping it all over the place. It was absolutely hilarious.
As always, I loved the chaos in this tale. I also loved some of the undercurrents and messages. It's hard not to adore what these two authors are doing here. And it's hard not to keep hoping for more. Though even I have to admit that if the series ended here, they did so on the perfect spot. So I couldn't complain – except to say that I miss it.
For more reviews check out Quirky Cat's Fat Stacks
The Princess Beard is the third novel in the Tales of Pell series, which is a joint project by Delilah S. Dawson and Kevin Hearne. Together these two authors have created a truly inane and amazing world.
The Tales of Pell is a world full of fairy tales flipped on their heads, with dozens of stereotypes warped into the funniest ways imaginable. They stretch plots to their extremes, and have oh so much fun along the way.
There once was a princess who fell to sleep thanks to a magical rose that cursed her. It was her second curse, which resulted in some interesting side effects. Now that she's awake, she's determined to change her destiny. And maybe save some otters along the way.
This novel is full of unique and brilliant characters, all quirky, silly, and utterly lovable. Morgan is the princess who woke up from a cursed slumber...and she wasn't too thrilled about the massive amount of hair and nails she grew during that time. Though she's cool with keeping the beard. And with becoming a pirate.
Vic is a centaur with a specific gift. He can summon tea and biscuits on a whim. But he doesn't want that power – he wants to be all swoll and tough. And ideally, have everyone know exactly how manly and macho he is.
Tempest is a dryad, and now that she and her sisters have been newly freed, she has big plans for her life. That is, she's got plans on how to spend the part of her life before she turns into a giant and blood hungry tree. That part is already set in stone for her, and the rest of her kind for that matter.
Albartalus, aka Al, is the world's worst elf. He doesn't look or act like any other elf out there. Unless you count his talent for taking advantage of rubes. But he wants better for his life. He wants something new and better.
“Everyone loved dryads and drynads when they lived as slightly leafy humans, looking beautiful and healing folks of any ailment, but no one wanted to tolerate them when they were living the part of their life cycle that required them to be bloodthirsty trees.”
The Princess Beard was an amazing followup in the Tales of Pell series. It was so much fun – lighthearted, chaotic, and just a tiny bit crazy. Just the way I like it. I adore what Dawson and Hearne have created together here. And it has left me hoping to see more author collaborations in the future.
The sass and satire were strong in the third novel in the series, as it continued to warp and twist stereotypes and expectations left and right. And it was glorious. Some of this I had been expecting; fun twists on the classic fairy tales. I still loved those moments.
But then there were some surprising twists and moments. Such as the voyage and seas they were on – a surprise which I will not ruin by talking about in too much detail. The other surprise? Taking a massively popular novel series and just having a blast warping it all over the place. It was absolutely hilarious.
As always, I loved the chaos in this tale. I also loved some of the undercurrents and messages. It's hard not to adore what these two authors are doing here. And it's hard not to keep hoping for more. Though even I have to admit that if the series ended here, they did so on the perfect spot. So I couldn't complain – except to say that I miss it.
For more reviews check out Quirky Cat's Fat Stacks
September 22, 2019
Oh, man. These adventures in Pell just keep getting more wonderfully ridiculous. No, wait. I'm wrong. The level of ridiculousness has remained constant in THE BEST WAY. They're just a rollicking ride from beginning to end.
The Princess and her beard are no exception. Because waking up after a cursed sleep to find yourself crusty and overgrown is only the beginning of Morgan's journey. I mean, the lady definitely finds herself along the way. And a cause. A cause that strikes her in the deepest part of her heart and which she can't walk away from.
You know, because otters.
Well, otters and friends. Sure, sure. Sometimes, these friends are the type of people who you don't exactly know are friends until the chips are down and they've got your back with tea cakes, glitter, and rage. Glorious, glorious rage.
Adventure on the high seas comes with monsters, introspection, swole pony boys, and more than a few ARRRGHS. GOOD TIMES!
-Kelly @ Reading the Paranormal
The Princess and her beard are no exception. Because waking up after a cursed sleep to find yourself crusty and overgrown is only the beginning of Morgan's journey. I mean, the lady definitely finds herself along the way. And a cause. A cause that strikes her in the deepest part of her heart and which she can't walk away from.
You know, because otters.
Well, otters and friends. Sure, sure. Sometimes, these friends are the type of people who you don't exactly know are friends until the chips are down and they've got your back with tea cakes, glitter, and rage. Glorious, glorious rage.
Adventure on the high seas comes with monsters, introspection, swole pony boys, and more than a few ARRRGHS. GOOD TIMES!
-Kelly @ Reading the Paranormal
December 29, 2022
The first book in this series was fine, kind of fun, didn't work perfectly. But this was one was just tired and sour for me. Luke Daniels, one of my favorite audiobook narrators, couldn't even save it. More thoughts later.
Later: No more thoughts. I declare REVIEW AMNESTY.
Later: No more thoughts. I declare REVIEW AMNESTY.
October 31, 2019
Thank you so much to Del Rey and NetGalley for the eARC in exchange for an honest review! All opinions are my own!
I have really enjoyed reading this entire series. Book three, The Princess Beard, picks right up in the world of Pell with more puns, more great characters, an epic adventure, and closure for some of my old favorites.
I think my favorite character in this one was the pirate captain. Filthy Lucre and all the ridiculous pirate rules in the manual were just hilarious. He was also a good character though, as were Morgan and Vic and Al, everyone on the journey had a rewarding character arc.
I have to say though the tampoons were a bit too much 😂
All in all though, everything from centaur anatomy to flesh hungry trees to a slew of cute but meat bound otters made this a memorable conclusion to the trilogy. I was glad to see Poltro and Toby back in the end with Gustave, and the book had a neat way of bringing the series back full circle.
Thank you so much again to the publisher and NetGalley for the chance to read this series!
I have really enjoyed reading this entire series. Book three, The Princess Beard, picks right up in the world of Pell with more puns, more great characters, an epic adventure, and closure for some of my old favorites.
I think my favorite character in this one was the pirate captain. Filthy Lucre and all the ridiculous pirate rules in the manual were just hilarious. He was also a good character though, as were Morgan and Vic and Al, everyone on the journey had a rewarding character arc.
I have to say though the tampoons were a bit too much 😂
All in all though, everything from centaur anatomy to flesh hungry trees to a slew of cute but meat bound otters made this a memorable conclusion to the trilogy. I was glad to see Poltro and Toby back in the end with Gustave, and the book had a neat way of bringing the series back full circle.
Thank you so much again to the publisher and NetGalley for the chance to read this series!
October 6, 2019
I received an ARC from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
The Princess Beard by Delilah S. Dawson and Kevin Hearne is the third hilariously entertaining installment of The Tales of Pell. Think Sleeping Beauty decides to start a new life for herself after she wakes up and become a pirate on a ship with quite the ragtag crew. Doesn't that sound like fun? For the most part, it really worked for me. I love how the authors are so successfully able to turn classic fairytale elements on their ear. I loved that here we get to catch up with some characters that we got to meet earlier on in the series. If you're a fan of Monty Python and the Holy Grail and The Princess Bride, I highly recommend giving this series a try.
The Princess Beard by Delilah S. Dawson and Kevin Hearne is the third hilariously entertaining installment of The Tales of Pell. Think Sleeping Beauty decides to start a new life for herself after she wakes up and become a pirate on a ship with quite the ragtag crew. Doesn't that sound like fun? For the most part, it really worked for me. I love how the authors are so successfully able to turn classic fairytale elements on their ear. I loved that here we get to catch up with some characters that we got to meet earlier on in the series. If you're a fan of Monty Python and the Holy Grail and The Princess Bride, I highly recommend giving this series a try.
Want to read
December 29, 2020I’m sold by the BookRiot synopsis:
“Once upon a time a princess woke up from a long sleep in a magical castle, and…honestly, it wasn’t great. She was hairy and gross and she’d been asleep for a while. At least no creepy prince had come by. That was a relief. So the princess decided to take off on her own, trim her nails, keep her beard, and become a pirate, as one does.”
Where can I find this absolute treasure?
“Once upon a time a princess woke up from a long sleep in a magical castle, and…honestly, it wasn’t great. She was hairy and gross and she’d been asleep for a while. At least no creepy prince had come by. That was a relief. So the princess decided to take off on her own, trim her nails, keep her beard, and become a pirate, as one does.”
Where can I find this absolute treasure?
October 2, 2019
This review was originally posted on my review blog Deanna Reads Books
The Princess Beard is the third and final installment of the Tales of Pell fantasy parody series from Delilah S. Dawson and Kevin Hearne. I adored the first book Kill the Farmboy and was a little lukewarm on the sequel No Country For Old Gnomes, but the final book is a good marriage between the two.
I think what made me like the final book better than the second one was that the main characters in this book are ones we have met before. So I already a had some connection to them, whereas with the second book I didn't really know those characters. I kind of also loved the plot of a Princess that is just like, "nah, I don't want to marry a lord, I'm going to become a pirate instead."
There are a lot of characters in this one so I did think that at times it was hard to keep up with them all. Especially since they all seem to have some sort of issue they are working through. I did like that with Vic it tried to tackle overcoming toxic masculinity. That was pretty cool to see in a book that had a lot of crude humor in it.
The humor in this one is pretty much on par with the other books. I don't mind crude humor, but if that's not really your thing you might want to pass on this one. I was definitely laughing at some of the stuff, but some of it I felt like I had to read it out loud to really get the joke. So this series might be better on audio!
I do think this is a fun series and if you like fantasy parodies like Monty Python or the podcast Hello From The Magic Tavern, I definitely recommend this one!
The Princess Beard is the third and final installment of the Tales of Pell fantasy parody series from Delilah S. Dawson and Kevin Hearne. I adored the first book Kill the Farmboy and was a little lukewarm on the sequel No Country For Old Gnomes, but the final book is a good marriage between the two.
I think what made me like the final book better than the second one was that the main characters in this book are ones we have met before. So I already a had some connection to them, whereas with the second book I didn't really know those characters. I kind of also loved the plot of a Princess that is just like, "nah, I don't want to marry a lord, I'm going to become a pirate instead."
There are a lot of characters in this one so I did think that at times it was hard to keep up with them all. Especially since they all seem to have some sort of issue they are working through. I did like that with Vic it tried to tackle overcoming toxic masculinity. That was pretty cool to see in a book that had a lot of crude humor in it.
The humor in this one is pretty much on par with the other books. I don't mind crude humor, but if that's not really your thing you might want to pass on this one. I was definitely laughing at some of the stuff, but some of it I felt like I had to read it out loud to really get the joke. So this series might be better on audio!
I do think this is a fun series and if you like fantasy parodies like Monty Python or the podcast Hello From The Magic Tavern, I definitely recommend this one!
January 4, 2020
Scrappymags 3 word review: Punny as hell.
All my reviews available at scrappymags.com
Genre: Fantasy/magical/humor
A short summary: This is a crazy summary but here goes: there’s a princess who wakes with a beard (and some really long nails!) but instead of waiting for a prince, she escapes and runs away, becoming a pirate under the captainship of a one-eyed pirate. Oh, and the pirate? Is a parrot. Mix in a myriad of other characters - a misogynistic centaur who is also a magical tea and cake maker, a dryad who wants to study law, an elf who just isn’t “elf” enough... It’s one heck of a story.
My thoughts: I’m not sure what I expected but I received a book that was so much more - Not a retelling of The Princess Bride (but plenty of inside jokes that nod toward it). Rapt from the get go, I dove into this book and savored it. There are many puns and double entendres that kept me laughing throughout. What was exceptional was the character development - I felt that needed connection and the book delivered. It’s kinda fairy tale and kinda adventure with pop references built in and nothing routine or stale. I laughed out loud several times and loved the pop culture references (as well as a few bawdy ones). Fresh, fun, an enchanting romp.
Recommend to readers who like: Fantasy/humor but something different. Def. a Gen X pick!
Not recommended to: I’m Gen X and wonder if much of the allusion would be missed by younger folk.
Thanks to NetGalley and Random House Ballantine and the authors for an advanced copy (and for making me laugh so hard people side-eyed me heavily in public.)
All my reviews available at scrappymags.com
Genre: Fantasy/magical/humor
A short summary: This is a crazy summary but here goes: there’s a princess who wakes with a beard (and some really long nails!) but instead of waiting for a prince, she escapes and runs away, becoming a pirate under the captainship of a one-eyed pirate. Oh, and the pirate? Is a parrot. Mix in a myriad of other characters - a misogynistic centaur who is also a magical tea and cake maker, a dryad who wants to study law, an elf who just isn’t “elf” enough... It’s one heck of a story.
My thoughts: I’m not sure what I expected but I received a book that was so much more - Not a retelling of The Princess Bride (but plenty of inside jokes that nod toward it). Rapt from the get go, I dove into this book and savored it. There are many puns and double entendres that kept me laughing throughout. What was exceptional was the character development - I felt that needed connection and the book delivered. It’s kinda fairy tale and kinda adventure with pop references built in and nothing routine or stale. I laughed out loud several times and loved the pop culture references (as well as a few bawdy ones). Fresh, fun, an enchanting romp.
Recommend to readers who like: Fantasy/humor but something different. Def. a Gen X pick!
Not recommended to: I’m Gen X and wonder if much of the allusion would be missed by younger folk.
Thanks to NetGalley and Random House Ballantine and the authors for an advanced copy (and for making me laugh so hard people side-eyed me heavily in public.)
February 28, 2025
The Princess Beard is the third (and I’m assuming final) book in the Tales of Pell series and similar to the other two the reader follows a diverse group of characters on a lighthearted and humorous adventure showcasing the power of found family among other character development plots.
This story starts off where the first book (Kill the Farm Boy)ended where the reader meets the once sleeping but now awake princess who now has grown long hair, curling finger and toe nails and a beard. She cuts away the nails and hair but leaves the beard as a disguise to hide herself from her royal parents. She soon joins an inexperienced crew of pirates led by the Filthy captain Lucre (a one-eyed parrot) as they set off on the high seas to find a legendary cache of treasure.
This was probably my least favorite of the series, but it was still a 4/5 for me and I did enjoy Morgan and the other characters more in this one than the characters from No Country for Old Gnomes . Despite this, the character development was very similar to the other two books and while the details of each book’s plot of different they all kind of felt the same. I’m not usually a big fantasy reader so maybe that’s just the genre.
Overall a quick and fun read, that once again feels like a DnD campaign just that this one is mixed with splash of treasure island 🏴☠️.
This story starts off where the first book (Kill the Farm Boy)ended where the reader meets the once sleeping but now awake princess who now has grown long hair, curling finger and toe nails and a beard. She cuts away the nails and hair but leaves the beard as a disguise to hide herself from her royal parents. She soon joins an inexperienced crew of pirates led by the Filthy captain Lucre (a one-eyed parrot) as they set off on the high seas to find a legendary cache of treasure.
This was probably my least favorite of the series, but it was still a 4/5 for me and I did enjoy Morgan and the other characters more in this one than the characters from No Country for Old Gnomes . Despite this, the character development was very similar to the other two books and while the details of each book’s plot of different they all kind of felt the same. I’m not usually a big fantasy reader so maybe that’s just the genre.
Overall a quick and fun read, that once again feels like a DnD campaign just that this one is mixed with splash of treasure island 🏴☠️.
June 28, 2020
I found that I preferred (enjoyed) it better when I was reading out loud. So, i read this to my kids. Maybe not the best choose for a bed time story lol, there were things i skipped just cause, pirets and their swords and such. But i enjoyed it. I loved how it ended, but I was sad that it took so much to get into it. It's so funny and heart felt. Maybe I just wasnt in the mood for it when I picked it up. But I will be rereading it in the future. Definitely 😁
January 6, 2020
The Princess Beard is a satirical take on a lot of things: fantasy, fairy tales, pop culture, the patriarchy...you name it. It’s the third of a series of a books, (all more or less stand-alone) from Pell.
There were parts of this I LOVED and had me laughing out loud: a pirate named Queefqueg (dying in English Lit major), a whole section about Hogwarts, clever puns, and just ridiculous jokes. This was entertaining to read, BUT, and here’s the but, I felt the individual puns and jokes they wanted to make overpowered the story and plot. More than that, although I super agree with many of the points they made, it felt more like a lot of telling. The patriarchy is super bad, but it felt like at points I was just kinda being preached to about it (and hello, I’m the choir there).
So yes, fun, entertaining, but lacks a little in the plot and characterization department I felt. I’ve heard the first two are stronger stories so I may check those out.
There were parts of this I LOVED and had me laughing out loud: a pirate named Queefqueg (dying in English Lit major), a whole section about Hogwarts, clever puns, and just ridiculous jokes. This was entertaining to read, BUT, and here’s the but, I felt the individual puns and jokes they wanted to make overpowered the story and plot. More than that, although I super agree with many of the points they made, it felt more like a lot of telling. The patriarchy is super bad, but it felt like at points I was just kinda being preached to about it (and hello, I’m the choir there).
So yes, fun, entertaining, but lacks a little in the plot and characterization department I felt. I’ve heard the first two are stronger stories so I may check those out.
November 28, 2019
This was such a *satisfying* ending to the trilogy. More cohesive, I think, than the first book - but the story was great. Few of the characters from books one or two show up, though there are occasional references to them. Still many puns, and a few literal LOL moments - which always get me a few strange looks as I'm driving or sitting on the train. The tale was fun and interesting, the characters were great, and as I listened to the audiobook - Luke Daniels was a master as always. I will miss Pell and it's crazy inhabitants, and I'll keep my fingers crossed that there may be a return every so often!
August 26, 2019
The Princess Beard is a puntastic laugh out loud gigglesnort of a good time read. This adventure of self-discovery is not without the occasional mishap but what doesn’t kill you … This tale is filled with epic wordplay and the occasional shout out to various adventurers past, present and future. I heartily recommend.
November 2, 2019
Back to Pell with another ragtag group of fantasy tropes with a twist. Led by a bearded princess pirate in training this adventure finds its sea legs early. There are otters, elves, dryads and centaurs. I groaned out loud at a couple of the word plays.
The narrator does a great job at many characters but his take on the parrot was over done and grating.
The narrator does a great job at many characters but his take on the parrot was over done and grating.
August 8, 2020
Ridiculously punny, heart-warming, entertaining. It took me longer than usual to read because I wasn't always in the mood for the tone of the humour, but I kept coming back to it. Extremely satisfying ending.
July 18, 2020
I really enjoyed Kill the Farm Boy. The original created an unlikely fellowship of traveling companions who set out on a mission and braved a fantasy world that targeted and lampooned well-known fantasy tropes. The Princess Beard tries to recreate that formula with a new cast. Unfortunately, the magic was just not there.
The book begins with a cursed princess waking up without the aid of a prince. Why did she wake up? Did everyone else in the castle wake up? Those questions are not answered. I can ignore this obvious conundrum because, this is a humorous take on the fantasy genre. She "escapes" her town and....wonders aimlessly(?). Dawson and Hearne introduce the next characters in the fellowship. It is an admirable fellowship: a frumpy elf; a muscle-head centaur, and a dryad. Each have their quirks or stereotypical traits - flower child, sullen and introverted, jock-ish, and pollyana. None of them know what they are doing. They just wonder. It takes half of the book before readers can tell that what appeared to be a side joke, is actually the focus of the story.
A chance encounter in a Dinny's 24-hour, 365-day restaurant binds the companions together under the banner of the pirate captain Luc, who is a parrot. An off-hand remark about the meat served at Dinny's leads the crew not to treasure; but to determine the source of the meat. It is a weak story. Each of the key characters has their own story arc, so the book alternates between rapid and slow movement on each arc and then reconnects with Dinny's meat. Unlike Kill the Farm Boy, this book shows that there were two different authors writing two (or more) different story lines that are forced to come back together. One author tried to be funny. The other tried to be more serious.
There is good humor in the book. The heroes lambast ghost pirates. They have plenty of jokes against Dinny's restaurants. Each of the individual story arc tends to end in a humorous and enjoyable manner before each character is brought back to the mystery meat. But....more often than not, the jokes are silly to be the point of being unfunny: canons called tampoons; a pirate named Qurt Qobayne; a clean pirate named Filthy Lucre; a god obsessed with elf butts; two survivor's on a deserted island named Robin and his son, Cruso. Really? Why? These jokes are less than silly. A child will not understand Kurt Cobain, much less why there is a pirate joke hung on him. I do not understand it.
The book has / had so much potential. However, this appeared hurried; as though the authors lost their interest and rushed something for an arbitrary deadline. This story of Pell is overall, not enjoyable. It is ok. Or, as the uber manly Centaur would say "Oh man, this is not good. This is intense." And the reader goes "ah, well, that was clever....moving on."
The book begins with a cursed princess waking up without the aid of a prince. Why did she wake up? Did everyone else in the castle wake up? Those questions are not answered. I can ignore this obvious conundrum because, this is a humorous take on the fantasy genre. She "escapes" her town and....wonders aimlessly(?). Dawson and Hearne introduce the next characters in the fellowship. It is an admirable fellowship: a frumpy elf; a muscle-head centaur, and a dryad. Each have their quirks or stereotypical traits - flower child, sullen and introverted, jock-ish, and pollyana. None of them know what they are doing. They just wonder. It takes half of the book before readers can tell that what appeared to be a side joke, is actually the focus of the story.
A chance encounter in a Dinny's 24-hour, 365-day restaurant binds the companions together under the banner of the pirate captain Luc, who is a parrot. An off-hand remark about the meat served at Dinny's leads the crew not to treasure; but to determine the source of the meat. It is a weak story. Each of the key characters has their own story arc, so the book alternates between rapid and slow movement on each arc and then reconnects with Dinny's meat. Unlike Kill the Farm Boy, this book shows that there were two different authors writing two (or more) different story lines that are forced to come back together. One author tried to be funny. The other tried to be more serious.
There is good humor in the book. The heroes lambast ghost pirates. They have plenty of jokes against Dinny's restaurants. Each of the individual story arc tends to end in a humorous and enjoyable manner before each character is brought back to the mystery meat. But....more often than not, the jokes are silly to be the point of being unfunny: canons called tampoons; a pirate named Qurt Qobayne; a clean pirate named Filthy Lucre; a god obsessed with elf butts; two survivor's on a deserted island named Robin and his son, Cruso. Really? Why? These jokes are less than silly. A child will not understand Kurt Cobain, much less why there is a pirate joke hung on him. I do not understand it.
The book has / had so much potential. However, this appeared hurried; as though the authors lost their interest and rushed something for an arbitrary deadline. This story of Pell is overall, not enjoyable. It is ok. Or, as the uber manly Centaur would say "Oh man, this is not good. This is intense." And the reader goes "ah, well, that was clever....moving on."
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
October 6, 2019
I liked this entry in the Tales of Pell series better than Kill the Farm Boy, but not as much as No Country for Old Gnomes (which actually moved me to tears). The authors’ signature offbeat humor remains intact, and I loved the links (some subtle, some less so) to previous books in the series. The pop culture references felt fresh and relevant, and all in all The Princess Beard was exactly what I expected, in the best possible way.
I was particularly interested in the character of Tempest, a dryad who was released from a slavery contract and wants to be a lawyer to help others in similar predicaments. Her story briefly turns into a quite entertaining Harry Potter parody, and it’s been long enough since I read those books that the reminder was nostalgic and fun. Bogtorts is definitely nothing like a real law school, but it was one of my favorite things in the book. Roachcraw for life.
I also enjoyed following Alobartalus, an elf who’s really not very elf-like at all, and works at basically the elf tourist trap until he decides to make his own way in the world. His somewhat cynical point of view was one I found relatable.
Although she was the main character, I wasn’t as crazy about Morgan! She didn’t annoy me at all, but she was surrounded by characters with somewhat more interesting motivations and mannerisms.
If I had a complaint about this book, it would be that the humor toes the line between hilariously crass and just kinda gross. There’s one section that’s basically just an extended period joke, and I didn’t find it to be very smart or engaging humor, as I know this series is capable of. On the flip side, the words “elf butts” had me absolutely rolling a few chapters later, and I highly recommend you pick up this book to find out why.
I received an ARC from Netgalley in exchange for this review.
I was particularly interested in the character of Tempest, a dryad who was released from a slavery contract and wants to be a lawyer to help others in similar predicaments. Her story briefly turns into a quite entertaining Harry Potter parody, and it’s been long enough since I read those books that the reminder was nostalgic and fun. Bogtorts is definitely nothing like a real law school, but it was one of my favorite things in the book. Roachcraw for life.
I also enjoyed following Alobartalus, an elf who’s really not very elf-like at all, and works at basically the elf tourist trap until he decides to make his own way in the world. His somewhat cynical point of view was one I found relatable.
Although she was the main character, I wasn’t as crazy about Morgan! She didn’t annoy me at all, but she was surrounded by characters with somewhat more interesting motivations and mannerisms.
If I had a complaint about this book, it would be that the humor toes the line between hilariously crass and just kinda gross. There’s one section that’s basically just an extended period joke, and I didn’t find it to be very smart or engaging humor, as I know this series is capable of. On the flip side, the words “elf butts” had me absolutely rolling a few chapters later, and I highly recommend you pick up this book to find out why.
I received an ARC from Netgalley in exchange for this review.
January 11, 2020
This is the third “Tale of Pell” I’ve read, and by far the most entertaining. It is, of course, a pirate story, complete with a beard-sporting princess, a dryad in the process of transforming into a carnivorous tree, a pudgy elf, and a centaur whose secret magical weapon involves pelting his enemies with hot tea and sugary pastries. Oh, and the captain – Filthy Lucre – is a parrot in search of the ideal shoulder perch.
For me this novel had more structure and cohesiveness than the earlier two, which often devolved into excuses for puns that had only approximate relationship to the central plot. I found these characters much more sympathetic, I loved how each grew and matured during their adventures, so the entire effect was of greater emotional immediacy and warmth, but no less exciting action. And bad puns. Highly entertaining, and with great heart.
For me this novel had more structure and cohesiveness than the earlier two, which often devolved into excuses for puns that had only approximate relationship to the central plot. I found these characters much more sympathetic, I loved how each grew and matured during their adventures, so the entire effect was of greater emotional immediacy and warmth, but no less exciting action. And bad puns. Highly entertaining, and with great heart.
October 8, 2019
Thank you to NetGalley and DelRey for providing me an eARC of this book in exchange for an honest review. I really enjoyed the previous books in this series (Kill the Farm Boy and No Country for Old Gnomes). I knew what I was getting myself into here and knew it would be some much needed levity after reading some heavy non-fiction, fantasy and science fiction titles. The Princess Beard follows the title character, a dryad, a centaur swoleboy, and an un-elfly elf on a piratical journey to buried treasure and to find themselves. This is similar to how the previous books start, but the similarities stop there. If a bearded princess isn't funny enough, this book has something everyone: talking parrot pirate captain, elf butts, a swoleboy centaur with un-swole tea magic, otter balls, humans being assholes, dwarf glutes, and on and on. The book will keep you laughing (and reading) through to the end of the acknowledgements.
The book is somewhat self contained from the previous installments with only a few crossover characters and references.
The book is somewhat self contained from the previous installments with only a few crossover characters and references.
September 13, 2022
The Princess Beard had some amusing moments, and some groan-inducing puns. Overall it is a silly adventure, with references to just about everything under the sun, but one with that is not really my humor. Like, if you’re 12 and somehow also understand references from Star Trek to Moby Dick, then this is the book for you.
Addendum: this book is to fantasy what the Scary Movie franchise is to horror films: a series of gags and references and immature jokes plastered over a cast of one-dimensional characters and the barest bones of a plot. If I give it the benefit of the doubt, there seems to be a positive overall message of self-acceptance (though we’re hardly breaking any new ground here), and as I said, it has some moments that I found funny, just not enough to redeem it. It’s better than the truly abhorrent trash I reserve my one star ratings for, but not much. Two stars.
Addendum: this book is to fantasy what the Scary Movie franchise is to horror films: a series of gags and references and immature jokes plastered over a cast of one-dimensional characters and the barest bones of a plot. If I give it the benefit of the doubt, there seems to be a positive overall message of self-acceptance (though we’re hardly breaking any new ground here), and as I said, it has some moments that I found funny, just not enough to redeem it. It’s better than the truly abhorrent trash I reserve my one star ratings for, but not much. Two stars.
July 31, 2022
Humour in books is so hard to do. This definitely won't work for everyone, but it really worked for me.
But, this entire review has to be dedicated to the most incredible of audiobook narrators, Luke Daniels. Every single character had a unique, easy to discern voice, and he flipped back and forth like nobody's business. Characters that felt only 60% realized on page became 110% realized because of his narration. The parrot voice is a particular favourite of mine.
There are so many jokes in this that I'm sure I didn't catch them all (shout out to that one chapter that was just a really long period joke), but the charm and fun are evident. So glad I finally got around to this.
But, this entire review has to be dedicated to the most incredible of audiobook narrators, Luke Daniels. Every single character had a unique, easy to discern voice, and he flipped back and forth like nobody's business. Characters that felt only 60% realized on page became 110% realized because of his narration. The parrot voice is a particular favourite of mine.
There are so many jokes in this that I'm sure I didn't catch them all (shout out to that one chapter that was just a really long period joke), but the charm and fun are evident. So glad I finally got around to this.
October 12, 2019
It is true that if you combine Kevin Hearne's writing and Luke Daniels' narration I am there for it, but these Pell books are particularly wonderful. They have large casts of varied yet complete characters, plots that cover important current issues, in this case mostly environmental and terrible/terrific (it is a very fine line) puns.
I love them all. I will probably reread them all frequently.
READ THIS!
I love them all. I will probably reread them all frequently.
READ THIS!
December 2, 2020
Fell in love with this series and its sarcastic story telling during the house cup. When a talking goat is your MC what can go wrong? Actually, this story has a new set of characters and the goat man only makes a minor appearance. Thanks for the joy, Gustaf. There are parts of this story that are totally laugh out loud, but sometimes it pushes the line and can be too much on the border of annoying. But all in all it is a fun story.
January 10, 2025
Absolutely terrible. Parodies are one thing, but this book took the concept of a parody and threw it into a bucket of tampon jokes, piss humor, and topped it with queef quips. I’m so upset to have read this, but if elf butts and otter balls get your reading engines going then you’ll want to pick this book up. I’m sad to have this as my first read of the year but as the saying goes it can only be up from here. 🙃
May 12, 2024
I laughed, I groaned, I swore (a lot), and I rolled my eyes so hard I checked out my own ass. The PUNS y’all. The PUNS 😅 The Tales of Pell were a hilarious adventure and I’m sad to be done with them. A giant “well done you” to both of the authors, for writing such ridiculous fun. It was literally impossible to have a bad time while reading this series.
January 27, 2022
It had a really hard time holding my attention. I listened to the audiobook and while the narration was well done, I had a really hard time staying focused. It was an effort to actually pay attention. Factor in the overly abundant thinly veiled pop culture references and it just wasn't for me.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 325 reviews