Fée

by Eisha Marjara

Quelques jours avant son dix-huitième anniversaire, Lila s’est résolue à mettre fin à sa vie. Elle n’arrive pas à faire face à l’horreur de devenir une adulte et de laisser son enfance derrière elle. Fée est l’histoire de Lila, une fille hyper-imaginative qui se trouve sur une trajectoire complexe menant à la vie de femme. Enfant en surpoids de ses parents immigrés Punjabi, elle se rebelle contre son identité, sa famille, son corps et sa sexualité en refusant de manger. Dans ses rêveries, Lila se voit comme une créature féérique à moitié humaine ayant transcendé ce monde terrestre. Dans la lumière froide du jour, c’est une patiente psychiatrique dans un hôpital, où elle reçoit un traitement contre l’anorexie. Conduite par un besoin irrationnel de défaire la nature et de déjouer l’écoulement du temps. Lila nous raconte comment elle a terminé sur la Four East wing : Nous faisons un retour en arrière sur son enfance dans les années 80, lorsqu’elle grandissait dans un petit village. Sa mère est « la plus féminine de toutes les femmes qui [trouve du] réconfort dans la cuisine », un rôle que Lila abhorre. Nous revenons ensuite à sa réalité présente dans l’hôpital psychiatrique où la voie du rétablissement est ressentie comme une perte de contrôle. Fée relate la spirale descendante de Lila dans l’anorexie potentiellement mortelle. Son rétablissement compliqué à l’hôpital a un coût. Déchirant, brut et lyrique, Fée est un roman indéfectible (mais finalement rempli d’espoir) qui explore les coins les plus sombres des maladies mentales et physiques, de l’identité, et de la vie de jeune adulte.

Genres: Young Adult, Fiction, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Teen, Contemporary, Audiobook

216 pages, Paperback

First published October 1, 2015

Reviews

[Ellen Gail · Rating 3 out of 5]

Why did I feel that way? Why was I half living? I was teetering over a dangerous chasm, between life and death, between those two universes, and I didn't want to belong to either. But at some point, I would fall one way or the other.

Faerie by Eisha Marjara is an uncomfortable book. It's a very raw and detailed look at anorexia in a teen named Lila, hovering on the edge of life and death and unsure if she wants to live to be an adult.

What did work: Lila's deterioration. Puberty is hard! Lila becomes attached to the idea that she won't grow up, won't grow larger. She can just let herself deteriorate away, become lighter, become a faeire on feather light wings until she can float away from earth entirely. The book focuses on her inpatient treatment with flashbacks detailing her upbringing.

It's also SUPER gross at times. Spoiler tagging for grossness Whenever Lila is first switched back to solid foods she gets constipated. I'll give the story points for realism there; constipation is a real problem! If you can't poop, you'll get cranky after a while. And after a week, Lila still can't poop. Colace, prune juice nothing. So then there's this scene where the nurse literally has to get up in there and pull it out. Gross.



What didn't work: Some of Lila's treatment wasn't believable. At one point during the story, she was receiving ZERO therapy. They just threw food at her and kept her locked in her room. I also didn't love the ending. I wanted to see Lila get on the road to recovery, but having her friend die just felt forced.

I also think that the length was a lil iffy. It was very short for a novel, but too long to really be a novella or short story. It might have actually been more successful as a short story.

Overall Faerie succeeds in being a good story about a hard subject. It wasn't 100% believable, but for its brevity was worth taking a couple hours to read.

Thanks to Edelweiss and Arsenal Pulp Press for the digital arc!

[Sara · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was intrigued about this story of a young woman hospitalized for anorexia in Canada and what she went through and why it happened; all that stuff. I haven't experienced this and I still can't really explain or understand why she ended up the way she did, the desire to become light and a faerie and never really grow up. That sounds so fanciful and yet it turns out so horrible. Part of the issues seem to be growing up Indian in a white community but not entirely.

I certainly had questions about this. I'm not from Canada and I don't know if this would apply to an institution in the U.S. She was an in-patient in what seems like a terrible institution for a year and I kept wondering, "What happens when the insurance runs out? Who pays for this?" I can't imagine being kept somewhere for a year while doctors forced me to gain weight. And was this actually healthy? Solitary confinement and not allowed anything like books or TV for a year to entertain you, just a bed and and bed pan and four walls? Just because you won't eat? It seemed horrible and I don't know if it's really like that or if this would even help.

So, interesting, yes, but disturbing.

[Sarah Thivierge · Rating 4 out of 5]

L'anorexie est abordée sous un angle différent de celui qu'on lui connaît. C'est peut-être parce que je reviens tout juste d'un séjour en Inde mais le bagage culturel du personnage principal est venu me chercher, d'autant plus que c'est un livre autobiographique.

[PinkAmy loves books, cats and naps · Rating 1 out of 5]

1/2 STAR

If there were such a rating as zero stars, I’d have given it to FAERIE. Elisha Marjara wrote this novel in the style of an autobiography, going from in time from her current stay in a psych hospital for an eating disorder back kindergarten. Marjara’s writing was dry and uninspired, the story predictable and narrator Lila unlikable. Other than the character being first generation Indian, I can’t think of a reason this story, a period piece from the 20th century, was published.

I’m not sure why I finished FAERIE other than it’s a long holiday weekend, my cat fell asleep on my lap and I was so comfortable I didn’t feel like moving.

[Liralen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Mm. I was looking forward to Faerie—heroine of colour; the book description suggesting a girl off in her own world—but I'm not sure it added much to the pile of anorexia narratives already out there. We have: a girl in hospital, uninterested in getting better; some backstory about her body image and a teacher who disappointed(?) her by not molesting her; a middling hospital staff; the hardcore anorectic friend she makes in the hospital who dies in the end. The writing is fine, but (and I know some of this is just that I've read way too many of these) it seemed like a lot of checked boxes and not as much depth as I would have liked. I've seen variations on those above elements over and over and over again. There are probably some fascinating things to be said about cultural dynamics, for example: I've read veryveryvery few novels about eating disorders that feature non-white protagonists, and here Lila's parents are immigrants. How does culture play into their understanding of what their daughter is experiencing? How does it play into their reactions? What about her sister? How significant is the sketchy teacher?

I'm not sure how autobiographical this is, but I really wish Marjara had pushed it further out of the expected and into something new. Not at all a bad book, but without the depth (of plot, character, etc.) to make it stand out.

[Elisabeth Nolan · Rating 4 out of 5]

J’ai bien aimé l’histoire. Ayant moi-même vécu un trouble alimentaire et travaillant aujourd’hui avec des gens qui en souffrent, j’ai trouvé le dialogue interne très fidèle à la réalité. Je comprends qu’il s’agit d’une fiction autobiagraphique et j’ai été extrêmement offusquée par la façon que les professionnels ont pris en charge Lila. Cela montre que les troubles alimentaires étaient incompris lors du vécu de l’auteur, et je crois qu’ils le demeurent.
Un récit très poignant et rédiger sous une touche métaphorique qui nous permet de comprendre le débat mental de l’anorexie. On y discute aussi de la pression sur les corps féminins, de la pression de conserver sa jeunesse et de la pression de performance et de décision sur sa vie dont les jeunes sont victimes très tôt dans leur vie.

Je ne crois pas que ce roman soit pour tous puisqu’il est très cru. Trigger warnings à prendre en considération : trouble alimentaire, calories, poids, mal-être et suicide.

[Aude · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fée, c’est l’obsession, la haine d’une adolescente envers son corps. C’est ses pensées oppressantes, dévorantes. C’est sa solitude, son effacement. C’est les restrictions, les limites qu’elle s’impose. C’est sa peur d’atteindre les trois chiffres sur la balance. C’est la nourriture qu’elle fait disparaître et les exercis fait en cachette. C’est la froideur de sa chambre d’hôpital et les règlements strictes du personnel soignant. C’est son corps meurtri, épuisé, dans lequel, une lueur d’espoir brille faiblement.

C’est un livre troublant, touchant. Je l’ai dévoré.

« -Si tu mettais autant d’efforts et de détermination que tu en as mis pour perdre du poids à te créer la vie que tu veux, tu volerais, ma chère. »

[Laura.125Pages · Rating 3 out of 5]

This review was originally posted on www.125pages.com Faerie by Eisha Marjara could have been a powerful read. Dealing with an anorexic teen girl, Lila, and her desire to die before her eighteenth birthday should have made me an emotional wreck. Instead, I was annoyed with Lila's whiny self-indulgence and the people around her perpetuating her disease. Lila is a patient at a hospital where they are attempting to help her overcome her eating disorder. Badly in my opinion. Never searching her room for hidden food yet wondering why she is not gaining weight. When another patient comes in and befriends Lila, they find solace and comfort in each other.

The plot of Faerie had such potential, however it never reached it as it did not focus on recovery, rather it focused on continued destruction. The writing of Eisha Marjara was good, she was able to detail a very real world in the hospital and in the emotions of Lila. Since the hospital was the only real location we saw, the world building was successful in incorporating it. The pacing was also a little off. Time would jump in uneven increments, so at times it was hard to determine just when we were at. This should have been a sob-fest with the subject matter, however I was never emotionally invested in the characters. The characters were very flat to me. All of the adults were useless and clueless and the teens were full of angst and self-pity. There was no one that I could attach to and it made for a trying read.

Faerie was not a bad read. I just expected more from the deep subject matter. Eisha Marjara was able to craft some very good scenes, they just did not contain the depth I was looking for. I may have a bias for certain storylines, as I believe they should be taken very seriously and used to teach a lesson and not just entertain. This to me was not a success as the lesson was not there.

Favorite lines - I could think of only one explanation: the persistent and petulant magic of melancholy, which burns more calories per hour than a workout or military drill, because unlike a rigorous thirty-minute cardio routine, it operates relentlessly. It makes the heart beat faster and harder night and day, asleep or awake, dead or alive.

Biggest cliché - But I'm not happy!

 Have you read Faerie, or added it to your TBR?This book was most likely received free from the publisher/author in exchange for an honest review. This does not affect my opinion of the book or the content of my review.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a quick but powerful read about a teen girl struggling with anorexia.

Good:
- the emotional portrayal felt real. The self-hatred and depression felt realistic to read.
- this isn't a glossed over version of anorexia, this has horrible gritty details. This isn't a book that will inspired anorexia, it's one that rails against it.
- nontraditional protagonist that isn't a gimmick!

Bad:
- the "treatment" she got was almost nonexistent and unrealistic. No really, she was in the hospital for anorexia, but didn't have her meals supervised and didn't receive any actual therapy? Doubtful.
- the end felt rushed and too happy. I was expecting a realistic or even unhappy ending, and instead got a cliched "and then everyone got better" ending. That's a huge disappointment.

Overall, a worthy book to read. It's not a happy story, and has lots of possible trigger scenarios, but the feelings and emotions are realistic, even if there aren't good coping and treatment ideas given.

[Anna · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pros:
-Emotional Story: I suppose that's what you get when you talk about really severe anorexia.
-Good Pacing: Not too fast, not too slow, just enough to keep me entertained but not confused. The hospital seemed really real and interesting to me.

Cons:
-Too Short: I couldn't really connect with the characters. I did care about Lila and her recovery but the suicide girl whose name I can't remember was nothing to me. She died, it sucked, it was over. Finito.

Who did the cover design for this? Lila is clearly stated to be Punjabi but the girl on the cover appears to be white? What's going on here?

[Marie Bourassa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quel premier roman! Un conte de fée contemporain déstabilisant mais tellement bien écrit que l'on lit ce récit captivé comme un enfant écoutant une histoire avant de dormir le soir.

Je vais sûrement le relire, le vocabulaire est tellement sublimement bien choisi. J'en aurais pris peut-être un peu plus, mais je suis peut-être gourmande.

[Andrea lama · Rating 3 out of 5]

Who’s that white girl on the cover?

[Fanny · Rating 5 out of 5]

Très difficile émotionnellement d’ingérer les mots de Lila qui nous raconte son épisode anorexique. Ceux-ci me permettaient si bien de me faire des images déchirantes dans ma tête. Peut-être aussi parce que je suis allée me rappeler le documentaire auquel l’autrice a participé en 1988: « La peau et les os », disponible sur YouTube.
Livre lu en une soirée!

[erin · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was so curious about this book, and am so disappointed that the actuality of it did not match up to the description.

This "fierce yet gently unfolding story" was stuck in detailed (and I assume very triggering, as other reviewers have pointed out) anorexia mindset that did not reveal a "hyper-imaginative girl," but rather traps the reader in a constant replay of how Lila is avoiding or burning calories. This loses the lyricism and makes Lila's references to herself as a "half-human fairy creature" seem forced for the sake of there being something more dramatic to her illness.

The "plaintive love letter to the bold, flawed splendour that is childhood" is entirely lost in this. I wish this is what it had been...

[Gillian Dawson · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5
I'm rather surprised by the lack of supervision at the hospital,

[Lucy · Rating 2 out of 5]

📖 2.5 Stars

⚠ Triggers: Self harm, anorexia, and vivid details

This book was really uncomfortable to read at some points. The author includes many raw and vivid details to advance the book. This novel follows a girl living with anorexia struggling with the idea of whether she wants to become an adult or not... living on the verge of live for death.

Things that I liked: I love the face that the main character was not the stereotypical white girl because I feel like many of the books that deal with this topic never have a main character that isn't white. I also loved the fact that the book focuses largely on Lila's inpatient care but had flashbacks to when she was young, although I feel as though in the begin the flashback aspect was a little much and could have been more spread out. The fact she believed she was a faerie I also really liked because I thought it was a really unique way to tell the story. I also really liked the therapist's character towards the end because her character was really inspirational in a sense because she had experienced the very thing that Lila was currently going through and overcame it.

Things I didn't like so much: For one, some of the details included were "yucky" to read. For example, there is a scene where it is described in detail the fact that Lila is constipated after going back to solid foods and a nurse actually having to go in to get the poop, just so Lila could get some relieve. Also, parts of the book were unrealistic because at times she was not really getting any therapy, only getting food thrown at her and forced to stay in one room with a strict schedule. Additionally, the ending just was not it for me because the death of her friend felt really forced and the ending was abrupted. I really wanted to see more of the friendship between the two because there is not really much of both of them together, especially when it came to dialogue, so it was kinda hard for me to connect to the friendship as a whole. The ending felt abrupt because it ended when she was released from the hospital, and I was wanting to see some of her Lila's life afterwards as well as her road to getting stronger in loving herself.

[Bash · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a blunt, unerring investigation into the life of Lila, a teenage girl terrified of adulthood who is desperate to lose weight - to the ruin of all else.

This was an uncomfortable book to read. It pulls no punches in its descriptions of Lila's illness and her symptoms. And with most of the novel taking place while Lila is in hospital being treated for her eating disorder, it is honest and grotesque in its portrayal of her recovery.

I've read a few books and watched a few movies about people with eating disorders but they've never shown an effective recovery. But I reckon they should because recovering from an eating disorder is gruesome and scary and reading about it might be enough to put some people off trying to starve themselves skinny.

The other thing I loved about this book was the racial diversity. Lila and her family are from India, living in Canada, and Marjara showed their lived experience beautifully. It was really interesting to see how their culture shaped their attitude towards Lila's illness.

This was a hard book to read but it was well worth the effort. Just be cautious if reading about eating disorders, suicide and self-harm are an issue for you.

[NicAlba · Rating 4 out of 5]

Though this novel is very short, it is an immersive perspective on anorexia of a teen girl who is afraid of growing up and wants to disappear. The subject is well-presented--the reader is shown the pain, the sadness, the moments building to the snapping point, and the ever present fear of the main character. It is very well written, the writing is fluid and gracefully put together. I wouldn't recommend this book to everyone because it is dark and depressing and it did scare me. I definitely recommend readers of this book to be in a good mind set before stepping into this story. I did wish the author lingered in the ending more and gave more to the main character's recovery of self and her life. I think if the author made the ending longer, it would have balanced dark portions of the rest of the book. The ending does come up suddenly, almost like a light switch abruptness. It fits within the story, however, the hope at the end could have been underlined a little bit more. The ending wasn't given enough time as it deserved. But other than that, this book is a good one to open up discussions on anorexia, depression, women's views on their bodies, and growing up. It is a powerful little book.

[Kim Raymond · Rating 3 out of 5]

D'un roman autofictionnel à un autre. Fée est le poignant témoignage d'une adolescente aux prises avec l'anorexie mentale qui se rend aux limites de sa propre vie avant d'entamer le dur chemin de la guérison. J'ai trouvé cette lecture très confrontante, peut-être parce que l'anorexie mentale est la chose la plus éloignée de ma réalité de personne qui a vécu avec des problèmes de poids toute sa vie, et j'ai parfois même été choquée par les réflexions de la narratrice, mais je pense que ce sont là des qualités, en regard de la nature de ce livre. Je dois par contre dire qu'il est assez difficile de "percer" le raisonnement de la personne anorexique et malgré toute l'honnêteté de l'autrice, je me suis sentie très éloignée du ressenti du Lila, comme si je n'arrivais pas vraiment à comprendre ce qu'elle vivait.

J'ai d'abord choisi de lire Fée parce que j'avais lu à propos de la terrible histoire de vie d'Eisha Marjara, qui a été hospitalisée en 1985 pour soigner une anorexie mentale, et dont la mère et la sœur sont mortes lors de l'attentat du vol 182 d'Air India pendant qu'elle était en réclusion à l'hôpital. J'étais restée sous l'impression que le récit aborderait aussi cette partie de l'histoire, mais ce n'est pas le cas.

[Cat Jenkins · Rating 1 out of 5]

Just not what I was expecting...hoping for...from the jacket blurb.
The MC Lila doesn't exhibit much creative imagination, as was advertised. This is just a blow by blow account of a teen's time under treatment for anorexia. It feels dated, as though it followed the blueprint of one of those Lifetime channel movies from a few decades ago when anorexia nervosa was the disease du jour. There's the predictable death of a secondary character...I'm sure I've seen this in an old movie. A number of them, actually.
What I'd been hoping for was a story where the MC escapes into increasingly believing herself to be morphing into an actual fairy; the kind from older, pre-Disney tales where they're elemental creatures with no grasp of human values like good or evil, but operate within their immortality purely for their own passions. That would have been interesting.
But here, "faerie" is a tepid concept that honestly doesn't take flight.

[Sophie Dlair · Rating 4 out of 5]

Petit livre que j’ai emprunté par hasard, ouvert sans attentes et dévoré en quelques soirées. Facile de suivre le personnage, de la comprendre, d’avoir de l’empathie et de la suivre dans son cheminement. Pas trop rough même si le sujet aurait pu rendre ça tough à lire. On comprend bien d’où ça part son anorexie, les facteurs personnels, sociaux et contextuels qui y ont contribué. Ensuite on suit son cheminement à l’hôpital. Terrible de penser qu’elle se soit vraiment fait changer comme ça. Ça donne le goût de redoubler de prudence pour faire exactement le contraire de ce qui y est décrit. On voit que ce qui compte et qui lui permet de s’en sortir à la fin, c’est son lien avec sa famille et la photographie:)

[Juli · Rating 2 out of 5]

It is a very raw and honest portrayal of an ed. I think it depicted the mind of a sick person quite well. However, the whole story is just not believable, especially the treatment (she had zero therapy, just locked up in a room). I also don’t think I’m an institution like that a therapist would be there only once a week, especially after the death of the friend. The therapist was like, oh sorry your best friend just died and you almost committed suicide with her, that’s very sad, see you next week??
I also wish the friendship was more explored. How am I to believe their connection if we barely see them together?

[Sandryne David · Rating 5 out of 5]

J'ai adoré la narration de ce roman et l'exploration de la psyché du personnage principale. Le sujet des troubles alimentaires n'est pas quelque chose avec lequel je suis familière mais j'ai beaucoup aimé la façon dont l'autrice en parle à travers son personnage, avec beaucoup de complexité et sans réponse simple. Je ne sais pas quelle partie du roman est autobiographique mais on sent beaucoup le vécu de l'autrice à travers sa prose. J'aurais aimé que l'épilogue soit plus longue et qu'on en sache plus sur la façon de le personnage vit sa vie suite à sa maladie. J'ai adoré le style et la figure de la fée pour se libérer du temps et de la condition humaine.

[Carole · Rating 3 out of 5]

3,5*. J’aurais préféré une autobiographie à une autofiction. C'est bon, mais on a lu beaucoup de telles histoires. C'est l'histoire de l’auteure qui aurait été probablement plus intéressante en ajoutant aux troubles alimentaires et psychologiques, les émotions suscitées par sa participation au documentaire, par le décès de sa sœur et sa mère ...et aussi pour nous éclairer sur comment suite à la sortie les jours et semaines à la maison se vivent.

[Isabelle Gorton · Rating 4 out of 5]

While this book was short in pages, the volume at which the words spoke was large.

The book captures me from page one and lured me into a condition that I may have never thought of this way before. Reading from a first person perspective brought the story to life and grasped the true meaning of ones difficulties within our society and minds.

Brilliant novel.

[Annie Marcil · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fée aborde l'un de mes thèmes fétiches, l'anorexie. La couverture de même que le format de l'oeuvre sortent un peu de l'ordinaire et m'ont immédiatement attirée. Malheureusement, j'ai trouvé le récit un peu quelconque : c'est qu'il existe déjà de nombreux romans qui traitent de l'anorexie de la même manière. En somme, il n'y a ici rien de nouveau, de nécessaire.

[ChiChi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life is all about growth and change, but what if you don't want to do that? What if your experiences as a young immigrant girl in life leave you wanting not to grow up, not to change your shape into that of a women, not want to be seen? How do you cope with that? Do you count calories and try to disappear? Do you commit suicide? Great read! Thank you Eisha!

[Brooklyn Byers · Rating 3 out of 5]

The beginning of this story was rather confusing but once she actually got Into the hospital which was a little over half the book then the story was decent but it was just a very short book so not much happened.

[Eléna | Elena_prof_en_adapt · Rating 4 out of 5]

Le livre du mois de mars du club de lecture de @qc_bouquine est sans contredit un coup de poing en pleine gueule. Au premier regard, l'enveloppe de ce bouquin est tout simplement magnifique. Les couleurs de la couverture parlent. On y retrouve la blancheur de la peau, qui illustre, selon moi, la mort, le rouge puissant des fruits et des lèvres attirent l'œil, le roses des fleurs et de l'oreiller, ressemblant à du crémage de gâteau, fait le parallèle avec la place que prend la nourriture dans l'œuvre.

Que dire de l'histoire de Lila une jeune femme d'origine Panjabi qui combat l'avancement du temps et l'approche de ses dix-huit ans en tentant de mourir. Enfant en surpoids, elle arrêtera de manger pour contrer les effets du temps sur son corps. Tout au long de son combat contre l'anorexie, son imagination l'apporte à s'imaginer être une fée.

Le récit illustre bien l'univers de l'anorexie et de ses multiples "patterns". L'une de me sœurs a vécu avec ce problème de santé mentale, lorsqu'elle n'était qu'en cinquième année du primaire. Elle a été aussi hospitalisé plusieurs jours pour ce trouble. J'ai trouvé les éléments partagés véridiques, par rapport à ce que certaines jeunes filles vivent.

C'est un récit qui est déchirant, pognant et parfois troublant Malgré toute cette noirceur, une lueur d'espoir transparait. J'ai vraiment hâte d'en parler avec les participants au club de lecture. C'est une lecture coup de poing👊

[Pamela · Rating 4 out of 5]

And then the Epilogue ENDING. Also beautiful, also satisfying, also giving us relief and release. Ahhhh.
"Two weeks after the weekend pass, I was discharged from the hospital, never to return again. I continued therapy with Dr Bélanger as an out-patient for many years, and I continue to see her regularly.
Now I'm twenty-eight. I am slender, but I haven't been on a scale since I bid the hospital goodbye. My numerical weight doesn't reveal the big picture. According to the doctor, I'm healthy. I'm not suffering from any physical or mental disorder. There is no diagnosis. But my condition persists. It causes me to hold steadfast to my imagination, the prism of sensations, the marrow of feeling, the true and hidden world in between. I am a photographer. It's not just something I do for a living; it is a life-line, the thing that keeps my heart beating, my lungs breathing, my wings fluttering."

Here is the pre-Epilogue ENDING, the ending that closes the present story. It seems like a permanent ending, but we are relieved that it is not, and it is brilliant and beautifully written. She flies. She flies.
"...The fabric danced as tremors of light from the street communicated secret symbols and cryptic messages for my hallucinating mind to decipher. As night crawled into the still depths of the morning, images slipped through the crack of the curtain, flickering onto the shades of my consciousness: Mina's shiny brown skin in the glimmering lake when we camped as kids; the sturdy nook of my father's shoulders where I rode so high I could touch heaven with my nose; the warm and tender flesh of my mother's arms. The curtain continued to breathe graciously as a ghostly breeze thrust inside it. It spread its lepidopteran wings into the room and possessed all my sense and obliterated my entire mind with the fullness of wonder. Those were my wings. They were full. They were strong. They were new.
Moments before the misty dawn of morning, I got up, took my Leica in my hands, and stood at the window with the camera's eye pointed to the uncertain day ahead. And I took flight."

Thus it BEGINS, brilliantly.
"I had a plan, a wish for my eighteenth birthday. I dreamed of leaving the four walls of the hospital behind and living on the generous offerings of winter, of feeding on snowflakes, melting away the last remaining pounds, and withering into oblivion. The numbers one and eight were terrifying to me; I could not face them. I couldn't fathom the 'hoods' of my future—womanhood, adulthood, and the most dreadful, however unlikely, motherhood. No matter how I could or would not shrink my flesh, I was helpless to nature's most incredible and cruel weapon: time.
Mid-morning in the middle of February, I paced the hallway—as I had many times before—and counted each calorie I burned. On the hundredth, I stationed my sixty-eight pound, five-foot-three frame in front of the hospital's elevator while all official eyes were elsewhere. When the doors opened, I made my escape.
I darted out the main door, tore across the parking lot, and headed straight for late-morning traffic. I began to sing Whitney Houston's 'I'm Every Woman' down traffic-jammed Poirier Avenue, past wide eyes and frozen bodies that watched the spectacle of the emaciated, half-naked humanoid in hospital garb trying to make a dim-witted escape from time. I belted the song from the hollow pit of my stomach, but my vocal chords could only produce ghost words, breathless puffs that dissipated into the frigid air. I dashed down the sloping road and into a hazy cloud of exhaust fumes that rose into the heavens and into my lungs. Shuffling through the snow, I went deeper into downtown, where I saw zombie expressions on the faces of commuters and shoppers who, for a moment, stood still as I passed them, attempting to weave a story from this incongruous scene. I could feel my heart pound hard against my thorax and my lungs collapse with each exhalation. Ribs pressing into skin. Throat choking for air.
'Can I help you, miss?' I saw a hand extended, an offer of help that drifted into my indifferent ear, possibly from the man waiting for the ever-late number 199 bus. The pale warmth in my flesh drained quickly into a bloodless blue-grey, my limbs slowed and loosened; I was ready to collapse. Oh finally, I thought. Finally, this is the absolute end. The end of me, the end of time as I knew it. Then, when the shock of winter penetrated my bones, my mother's face appeared to me. I froze in the memory of her embrace. I was cured of the fatal rules of time and of weight. And then, I was back in time again. I felt my arm nearly ripped from its socket.
'Stop! You stupid girl! Get back here!' The white coats and residents had caught up. They flung my weary body into an ambulance and dragged it into the loneliest room in the hospital. I kicked and screamed all the wy back, losing a fairy tale slipper along the way, and feeling completely the crushing pain of my hideous life and my fear of growing up. One lethal tranquilizer in the ass I was out like Sleeping Beauty."