Bağırmayan Karı Koca Olmak

by Hal Edward Runkel, Jenny Runkel, Ebrar Güldemler (Translator)

Karı kocaların evlilikleri için istediği aşağı yukarı aynıdır: sıcaklık, olgunluk, huzur, bağlılık ve yakınlık...

Bağırmayan Karı Koca Olmak özünüze ulaşıp içtenlikle kendinizi ifade ederek kalıcı bağlar kurmanın yollarını anlatıyor. Hal Edward Runkel ve Jenny Runkel mutlu evliliğin sırlarını ya da “eşinizi mutlu edecek on adımı” sıralamıyor. Aksine, kendinize odaklanarak, eşinizin nasıl olmasını istiyorsanız öncelikle kendiniz öyle olarak hep hayalini kurduğunuz o mükemmel ilişkiye sahip olabileceğinizi savunuyorlar.

Önerileri uyguladığınızda sadece romantik ilişkilerinizde değil, tüm ilişkilerinizde kalıcı iyileşme sağlayacaksınız.

Bağırmadan, kırmadan, sitem etmeden, küsmeden bağ kurmak ve evlilik sürdürmek mümkün. Okumaya başladığınızda bunu hemen fark edeceksiniz.

Genres: Marriage, Nonfiction, Relationships, Self Help, Parenting, Audiobook, Psychology

279 pages, Paperback

First published February 1, 2011

About the author

HAL RUNKEL is a world-renowned relationship expert, licensed marriage and family therapist, conflict mediator, and internationally acclaimed speaker. Hal’s books, including e New York Times bestseller ScreamFree Parenting, have reached hundreds of thousands around the world, and have been translated into twelve languages. Hal has been featured in hundreds of media outlets, including over forty appearances on NBC’s Today Show. Hal and his high school crush Jenny have been married for twenty-three years, and they’re in the process of launching their two teenagers into adulthood.

Reviews

[Ann · Rating 5 out of 5]

Finally, a marriage book that:

1. Doesn't treat me like a child! (And expects me not to treat my spouse like one either.)

2. Doesn't make generalizations about my spouse or about me. THANK YOU!

3. Doesn't talk about sex as if one of us needs it and one of us owes it and that is all there is. And doesn't pretend to know it all or be able to answer it all in one chapter.

4. Doesn't try to make me feel good by telling about all sorts of horrible marriage decisions "other people" make but instead empowers me to repair any poor patterns in my own marriage.

A beautiful book that champions marriage for what it really is and what it really can be. I could go on and on. But really, it would make more sense for you to just get your hands on this book and take in what it has to offer. Yes, you.

[Stephanie Ricker · Rating 4 out of 5]

I went back and forth on 3 or 4 stars for this book. The concrete suggestions are invaluable, but the repetitive fluff surrounding them was incredibly frustrating. Ultimately, though, it was well worth the read (albeit at high speed during the irrelevant parts), and I've recommended it to several other couples I know, which is some proof of its merit. Once you can get past the endless string of "this book is going to change your life," "it's unlike anything you've ever read," "it might be so revolutionary that it's hard for you to accept," the concepts outlined in the book are gold. Skim it for the good stuff about controlling your own reactions (since they're the only ones you CAN control) and reshaping your role in the patterns of your marriage.

[Heather · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a re-read from several years ago. As is often the case with re-reads, I got so much more out of it the second time. To be clear this is not a book about literal screaming, it is about emotional reactivity in relationships. It's also published under a new title The Self-Centered Marriage, which I think is much better.

The 5 forms of "screaming" covered in this book:
1. openly yelling, criticizing, mocking
2. distancing self, avoiding
3. cut self off
4. over functioning, under functioning
5. triangulation

After recognizing the patterns we fall into, the next step is learning to take full responsibility for our part. We get there by first calming down and then approaching others from a place of authentic self representation.

Hal reminds that marriage includes many natural areas of conflict and that the goal is to grow through the conflict, not necessarily to agree on everything!

[Katie Johnson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book. Just like the title says, it's about growing up and handling conflicts like an adult. Which is really difficult in marriage, actually. Nice to read some fresh ideas on the subject.

[Lauren Peterson · Rating 3 out of 5]

read this to see if it was helpful in any way for me as an MFT, and if it’s something i could recommend to clients…

it’s nice that it’s got some practical steps for approaching conflict in a more regulated way and deepening your connection with your partner. however, there is a lot of fluff in this, which is maybe helpful for the average reader but also makes it difficult to focus on the actual steps Runkel is outlining.

also, it definitely feels misogynistic at times when Runkel describes scenarios in which the responsibility to change always seems to be on the female partner, no matter the situation. additionally, it was obvious that this was written by a heterosexual white man, as he only speaks in terms of heterosexual relationships and does not consider how this information could apply to diverse populations.

tldr—this has some basic practical steps on approaching conflict and deepening connection in romantic relationships but also feels narrowed-minded at times and could use a more diverse lens to relationships

[Abigail · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great book outlining how to authentically represent yourself in marriage. I thought the examples and chapters were helpful and my one complaint is I wish there were a few more examples of real-life situations and maybe a slightly more detailed discussion on how to authentically represent yourself i.e. language to use. All in all though, this gave me some great tools to apply to my own marriage.

[Yasemin Salihoglu Karagul · Rating 4 out of 5]

düşündürücü... önce kendine döneceksin, ne istediğini bileceksin ama sonra da bunu bencillige dönüşturmeyeceksin.
Kitabı okurken alinti yapılan filmler ise gerçekten çok güzel

[Jane · Rating 4 out of 5]

The first thing you need to do is get over the title of this book. Not having read Runkel's previous book, Screamfree Parenting, I thought this title didn't make sense and was mostly piggybacking on his catchphrase. That being said, this book has terrific advice on marriage that I wish I had known years ago.

Here are some traditionally-held ideas about marriage which he refutes:

1. Spouses are supposed to meet each other's needs. (What he says; spouses do not, and should not, need each other. They should be grown-ups and take responsibility for their own needs so they can choose to want each other.)

2. Trust and safety are the most important qualities in an intimate marriage. (What he says: no, these are the highest qualities in a bus driver. Every step toward your spouse is a huge risk on your part. If you can't express your true self and desires without knowing beforehand how your spouse will respond, you are just keeping it safe, which = boring, which = lowered closeness and satisfaction with the marriage.)

3. Oneness means sameness. (What he says: oneness should be built on a platform of togetherness and separateness.)

4. When a man gets married, his time now belongs to his wife. (What he says: you are accountable to another person for your time choices, but you are the one who makes these choices. Be honest about what you want.)

5. When you get married, you marry each other's families. (What he says: to cleave, you have to leave -- your parents, that is -- and relate to them as an adult, not a child.)

6. Housework should be divided based on who does what better, or by who has more time, or by whoever is more responsible. (What he says: wives, stop passively-aggressively asking your husbands for help. Instead, tell him what your expectations are. You are not a boss handing out assignments. Husbands, stop acting like you're a guest in your wife's house, expecting applause when you do something.)

7. Trust is the number one requirement to gaining and maintaining a healthy sex life. (What he says: this leads to a game of chicken. Scream-filled sex requires that you reveal yourself even at the risk of being rejected.)

8. Accept the other person as he/she is. (What he says: really? Even if you're lazy, drink too much, etc? You need to respect yourself enough to actively improve yourself. Your spouse can't respect you until you do.)

The problem with this book is that although I agreed with all of it, it took having my marriage fail to understand these ideas. I'm not sure that reading this before the failure would have had the same meaning.

[Gayle Vegter · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was very thought-provoking and inspiring. Simple concepts, dramatic possibilities for change. I actually got this because I had read Scream-free parenting, which appealed to me because I am a bit of a yell-er. :( Not in my marriage, but I remembered the main concept of SFP was being calm and controlling your own emotions to help teach your children that THEY don't rule your emotions, YOU do. (Good book, BTW). So, again, not much "screaming" in my marriage, but his point is that we all have different ways we "scream" or allow our emotional reactivity to take over in confrontations with our spouse. The book works at recognizing that, working on maintaining calm and how this can lead to greater intimacy by taking more risks (i.e., being more genuine, hence vulnerable) with your spouse.
Very good stuff!!!!

[Shali · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book isn't that groundbreaking. There are pockets of good insights. Some how it seemed pretty basic: stop manipulating and being narcissistic, and be proactively authentic. In other words, really BE as you wish to seem- and realize when that isn't possible and own up to the honesty of it all.

It's good advice no matter how it's presented.

I like this author/therapist; he's revitalizing some necessary basic principles in life, but his writing style isn't my favorite.

[Abigail Williams · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would say this is my favorite marriage book I’ve read so far. The title may be off putting because it’s not really about literal screaming. It’s not that I agree 100% with every little thing he writes, but I love where his focus is. It’s not a book that you read and think, “that’s cool but I wish my spouse would be the one reading this” like most marriage books make me feel.

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love the premise of this book. The overall message is that when you control yourself, that will impress upon others. Next up, screen free parenting

[Jamie Colbert · Rating 5 out of 5]

best marriage book Ive read - and Ive read many - lol

[Nakuma Palczewski · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great marriage book. The only marriage book I have read that speaks about looking inward to change the marriage. Highly recommend

[Ashley · Rating 5 out of 5]

-Great preface!
-Marriage isn't becoming less if yourself, it's becoming more.
-Being able to authentically present yourself is the root if true progression. Integrity.
-Self absorption is getting others to focus on you. In contrast, focusing on self (not self-absorption) makes you available for others.
-Inform the other how you feel, don't tell them what to do or attack them.
-Self-validation: "I don't expect you to agree with me. You weren't put upon the face of this earth to validate and reinforce me, but I want you to love me and you can't really do that if you don't know me. I don't want your rejection but I must face that possibility if I'm ever to feel accepted or secure with you. It's time to show myself to you and confront my separateness and mortality. One day when we are no longer on this earth I want to know that you knew me."
-Pause and go to to the "balcony"- see things from a new perspective. Seek to understand. Is the conflict really about something else?
-We must show our authentic selves to each other.
-Problems are usually patterns, not isolated incidents.
-You are both responsible for the patterns in your marriage. It is not one sided. Reacting back will make the problem worse.
-Don't just 'yes dear' to smooth things over.
-Stepping on the scale- really looking at yourself to honestly see how you're doing. It is painful and takes work. All good things do. Entering all your finances takes work and reflection, break down things in yourself and examine them. Maybe there are deeper fears or past experiences effecting us. Why does an issue really bother you. Try to identify and articulate that.
-Ask: What do I want most? Clearly define success and failure.
-Failure- "Neglecting what we want most for what we want now." Poptarts now vs health later, anger now vs a healthy relationship later.
-Lay down your hand and show your cards. Make yourself vulnerable and authentic. Share what you want most. We fear this but want and expect our spouse to know this without sharing it with them. Do this for yourself, not to force or manipulate yourself into change.
-Address things directly. Authentically articulate your desires.
-Welcome and invite what you'd like to have happen, don't expect or force others to change. I've discovered this many times over the years. Share what matters to you, don't share to change another, but to represent yourself. This is key in teaching, share yourself. It opens others up to share themselves. People respect this.
-If you try to make sure everyone is happy, you will make sure no one is. You can't make others happy.
-seemingly trivial things do matter, resolve them- Dale Carnegie's tree example: little things build up over time. A tree had been hit by lightning 14 times and withstood each blast. Its fall came because of beetles. Little things lead to big- little household chores disputes corode a marriage and can lead to it's fall- adultery, abuse, screaming, etc
-In a a family people can't just be removed, you can't fire them, it's more like a surgery.
-Connection is absent if one spouse is treated like a child. Treat each other as competent adults.
-Self fulfilling prophecies- lazy husband won't help- you just called him lazy. Nagging wife won't stop- continued nagging.
-Using always statements shows that we would rather complain about the lie rather than change according to truth.
-Asking for help is the wrong way to ask, it's saying it's yours and they're assisting you. Work together instead. We take better care if that which we own rather than that which we rent.
-Represent yourself without expectation of return. Making bed example- she said "when you don't make the bed it makes me less excited to be in it with you later." Let them know how you feel and why.
-Be calm, connected, and direct.
-Adam and Eve insights, he knew her, they were naked and unashamed, deepest level of human connection comes from sex in marriage.
-If you don't ask you'll never know or get what you need or want. If we never represent ourselves we will never be as fulfilled in life or relationships as we could be.
-There is as story of abuse, both partners play a role. During counseling the woman learned to calm herself, when violence was about to occur, she stopped walked toward him and said, "I just realized I don't need you anymore, but I still want you. The real you." It brought him intense sorrow at first, then joy. It was courageous on both parts.
-Jackie Robinson story- 1st black to play professional baseball. At first he was a hothead, very reactive. He was told that in order to be on the team he could not react. Jackie said something like, you want me to be so weak that I do nothing? The reply was, no I want you to be so strong that you don't react. He did it. There was great opposition even from his own team. At one point a of fierce opposition a teammate came and calmly stood by him. The people calmed down. Being calm and representing yourself is so much more effective than fighting back.

[Muhittin ÇİFTÇİ · Rating 4 out of 5]

Adı: Bağırmayan Karı Koca Olmak: Sakinleşmek, Büyümek ve Yakınlaşmak

Yazarlar: Hal Edward Runkel & Jenny Runkel
Amazon Türkiye
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https://www.kitapsepeti.com/
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Tür: Kişisel Gelişim / İlişkiler / Aile Psikolojisi
https://www.kitapsepeti.com/
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Çevirmen: Ebrar Güldemler
D&R
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Yayınevi: Aganta Kitap
Amazon Türkiye
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Sayfa Sayısı: ~279 sayfa
https://www.kitapsepeti.com/
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Kitapzen
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🔍 İçerik & Temalar

Kitap, evlilik ilişkilerinde sıkça yaşanan çatışmaların –özellikle de “bağırma, sitem, kırılgan davranışlar” vs.– sebep ve sonuçlarını inceliyor. Ama esas olarak, bu tür davranışları kullanmadan da sevgi dolu, saygılı ve yakın bir ilişki kurmanın yollarını göstermeye odaklanıyor.
D&R
+1

Başlıca temalar şöyle:

Kişisel farkındalık ve sorumluluk alma: Eşin davranışlarını değiştirmesini beklemek yerine, kişinin kendi tepkilerine, duygusal iç durumuna odaklanması gerektiği vurgulanıyor.
Amazon Türkiye
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İletişim becerileri: Duyguları doğru ifade etme, kırmadan iletme; pasif saldırganlık yerine açık ve dürüst iletişim.
Amazon Türkiye
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Öfke yönetimi ve sakinleşme süreçleri: Bağırmak ya da agresif tepkiler vermek yerine öfkenin altında yatan nedenleri anlamak, sakinleşebilmek, araya mesafe koyabilmek gibi stratejiler.
Amazon Türkiye
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Yakınlık ve bağlılık oluşturma: Empati kurma, sevgi gösterme, bağ kurma yolları; ilişkinin rutinine düşmemesi için dikkat edilmesi gerekenler.
https://www.kitapsepeti.com/
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🎯 Üslup & Yapı

Anlatım sade ve ulaşılabilir; akademik jargonlardan uzak, günlük yaşamdan örneklerle, pratik önerilerle dolu.

Hem eyleme yönelik bölümler var — “şunları deneyin”, “böyle tepki verin” gibi — hem de düşünsel/refleksiyonel bölümler: ne hissettiğinizi anlamak, öz farkındalık geliştirmek gibi.

Bölümler arasında denge var; hem teorik temelleri sunuyor hem de uygulanabilir öneriler veriyor.

✅ Güçlü Yönleri

Pratik yönü güçlü: Okuyucuya sadece bilgilendirme değil, dönüşüm için somut adımlar sunuyor. Eşler arası iletişimde daha sakin, daha bilinçli tepkiler vermeye yönelik öneriler motive edici.

Empati ve öz farkındalığı teşvik etmesi: Karşı tarafı suçlamaktan ziyade kendi duygularımızı anlamak, kendi davranışlarımızı gözlemlemek. Bu yaklaşım ilişkilerde suçlama-savunma döngüsünü kırabilir.

Her iki taraf için de işe yarar olması: Kitap sadece “karı” ya da “koca”ya yönelik değil; çiftin her bireyinin değişim yapabileceği ve ilişkinin kalitesini artırabileceği bir zemin sunuyor.

Olgunluk, yakınlık, huzur gibi değerleri ön planda tutması: Evliliğin “bağırmama” ekseninden çok daha büyük, daha derin bir bağlılık barındırdığı fikrini vurgulaması.

⚠️ Sınırlamalar / Eleştirilebilecek Hususlar

Beklentilerin aşırı romantik olması riski: Bazı okuyucular “her şey güzel olacak” gibi bir izlenim alabilir, fakat ilişkilerde karşılıklı sabırsızlık, hatalar, geçmiş yükler gibi zorluklar hâlâ var; kitap bu yönleri tamamen ortadan kaldırmaz, çözüm önerir ama her zaman kolay olmaz.

Kültürel farklılıklar: Yazarların önerileri Batı odaklı yaşam ve ilişki tarzları üzerinden sunuluyor; okuyucunun kendi kültür, aile yapısı, toplumsal normları vb. çerçevesinde bu önerileri uyarlaması gerekebilir.

Uygulama zorluğu: Özellikle uzun süreli çatışmalar, öfke alışkanlıkları ya da iletişim sorunları derin köklüyse, kitapta önerilen değişim adımları ağırlaşabilir; sabır, tekrar, bazen profesyonel destek gerekebilir.

🧐 Kimler İçin Uygun?

Evli çiftler, evliliğe hazırlananlar ya da ilişkisinde gerginlik yaşayanlar için.

İlişkisini daha sakin, daha anlayışlı, daha empatik bir hale getirmek isteyen bireyler.

Eşler arası iletişim, öfke kontrolü gibi becerilerini geliştirmek isteyenler.

Aile terapisi ya da ilişki koçluğu süreçlerinde referans alınabilecek bir kaynak olarak değerlendirilebilir.

📝 Genel Değerlendirme

Bağırmayan Karı Koca Olmak aslında “ideal evlilik reçetesi” değil; daha ziyade ilişkide farkındalık yaratmak, iletişim biçimlerini değiştirmek isteyenlere yol gösteren bir rehber. Bağırmadan, kırmadan, sitem etmeden iletişim kurmanın mümkün olduğunu savunuyor ve bu doğrultuda düşünsel ve davranışsal pratikler sunuyor.

Eğer ilişkisinde sık sık öfke, kırgınlık, anlaşmazlık yaşayan biriyseniz; ya da “sesimin yükselmesini istemiyorum ama bazen çıkıyor” diyorsanız, bu kitap oldukça fayda sağlayabilir. Değişim sabır ister; kitap bir başlangıç noktası oluşturur, ama üzerindeki adanmışlıkla, uygulamayla değer kazanır.

[Rin · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was recommended by my couple's therapist. I liked this book. It had really practical advice on how to deal with very common problems. Refreshing take form what I hear twenty and thirty-something people who haven't actually experienced these situations, or dealt with them healthfully came up with. I liked the personal anecdotes and the stories of patients and how they ended up dealing with their issues. There are things I plan to add implement in all kinds of relationships I am in.

It's really rare I pick one of these up and don't find some sexist takes on things. There were no "man's needs" and "woman's needs" in this book. And somehow the author was still able to tackle common issues married and unmarried couples alike face.

[Neder Bulan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tekrar tekrar okunması gereken bir kitap. Sadece karı-koca olmak üzerine değil, tüm insan ilişklerinin kalitesini arttırır.

Bu kitabı alırken hata yaptığımı düşünmüştüm çünkü aynı yazarların "Bağırmayan Anne Baba Olmak" isimli kitabını da beraber almıştım. Genelde bir yazar tema tutturunca, hafifçe boyayıp, %90'ı aynı, hafif bir ambalaj farkıyla, sanki yeni bir kitapmış gibi satıyor. "Muhtemelen bir pazarlama oynuna geldim" diye geçirerek başladım okumaya. İyi ki okumuşum. Pratik nasihatleri çok, gerçek hayattan örnekler açıklayıcı, "Laboratuvar" kısımlarındaki alıştırmalar çok başarılı.

[Heidi J · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this as a follow up to Scream free parenting. In theory it should be good enough to make a change in your responses to start seeing a change in the marriage. I feel like I am trying to do too much at once. I have backed off and focused on the parenting book and tabled the practices in my marriage. I am a work in progress. This makes a ton of sense and I wish I had read this a long time ago.

[Rebecka · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book's focus on the self rather than on the spouse. Emotional reactivity is something that the author wants to empower folks to understand. Rather than reacting to a situation, better to respond in a calm way that accurately represents your true self to your spouse. Very useful ideas, I think.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

So many marriage books are about "techniques" that require participation and or cooperation from your spouse. That isn't always possible. We can look at ourselves first. Own our own stuff and act better and be more mature. It isn't easy but it does help you respect yourself more, and act more in line with your own higher principles.

[Chris Sanzone · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book brought up numerous great points that I opened my mind to my marriage with my wife, soon to be ex. Just kidding! I've already applied some of the tips and have gotten closer with my wife. My marriage is in a good place and this book help strengthen it. That being said any couple, married or not, could benefit from this read.

[Matthew Parks · Rating 5 out of 5]

It was available on my library's app and everything else wasn't, so I went for it.

And, it blew me away!

This is perhaps the best book about marriage I've read to date, and I've read my share!

Will recommend this one often! I *love* it!

[Kristen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent. I am a licensed marriage therapist and loved this book. Well written. I recommend it to clients frequently. One of the few easy to understand books I have found that focus on Bowen's concept of differentiation and healthy boundaries within relationships. Highly recommended.

[Caitlin · Rating 5 out of 5]

AMAZING. Must read for anyone who is in or wants to be in a relationship.

[Lindsay Kline · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best marriage books I have ever read! It helped me tremendously in my marriage.

[Ross Flynn · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best marriage books I have ever read. Puts Family Systems theory into updated language. As a marriage and family therapist, I will be happy to invite my clients to read this book.

[Janet · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think a better title for this book would be Scream Free Relationships. Take ownership of yourself first: Calm down, grow up, get closer. Reading this book would benefit everyone.

[Fatima · Rating 3 out of 5]

it's all about this :
you wanna make it better? just focus on yourself and act like an adult..

[İlknur · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall it was a good book. It'd be better if the writer would stop asking "are you still with me?" at one point.