Invisibly Breathing

by Eileen Merriman

A moving story about unconventional love, bullying and being true to yourself.

‘I wish I wasn’t the weirdest sixteen-year-old guy in the universe.’

Felix would love to have been a number. Numbers have superpowers and they’re safe – any problem they might throw up can be solved.

'If I were a five, I’d be shaped like a pentagon … there’d be magic in my walls, safety in my angles.'

People are so much harder to cope with. At least that’s how it seems until Bailey Hunter arrives at school. Bailey has a stutter, but he can make friends and he’s good at judo. And Bailey seems to have noticed Felix:

‘Felix keeps to himself mostly, but there’s something about him that keeps drawing me in.’

Both boys find they’re living in a world where they can’t trust anyone, but might they be able to trust each other, with their secrets, their differences, themselves?

Genres: LGBT, Romance, Contemporary, Young Adult, Queer, Gay, Fiction

288 pages, Paperback

First published March 5, 2019

About the author

Eileen Merriman works full-time as a consultant haematologist at North Shore Hospital. Her writing has appeared in a number of national and international journals and anthologies, including Smokelong Quarterly, The Island Review, Literary Orphans, the Bath Short Story Award Anthology 2015, the Sunday Star-Times, F(r)iction, takahe, Headland and Flash Frontier. Her first novel was Pieces of You, with reviewers calling it 'compulsively readable' and 'compelling, challenging, and heartbreaking'. It was a 2018 Storylines Notable Book and, along with her second novel, it was shortlisted for the NZ Book Awards for Children and Young Adults.

Her other awards include runner-up in the 2018 Sunday Star-Times Short Story Award, third for three consecutive years in the 2014-2016 Sunday Star-Times Short Story Awards, second in the 2015 Bath Flash Fiction Award, commended in the 2015 Bath Short Story Competition, and first place in the 2015 Graeme Lay Short Story Competition.

Reviews

[Bridget · Rating 3 out of 5]

I've struggled with this book. I have been heavily invested in this authors work and have read her previous two novels with delight and joy. She has nailed teenage voice and the trials and tribulations of teenage life, its conflicts and challenges. She does that again in this one. Yet still I struggled with it, it has taken me an age to read. The characters of Felix and Bailey were great and I loved their romance and the challenges they faced to be together. I thought the anger and abuse were very well written, the struggle of Bailey's family to cope was very moving. And yet I struggled.

There was a lot going on, a great local setting, a bunch of issues to drive the story. It was fabulous to read a local book for teens with characters with sexuality stuff going on, the gradual awakening of Felix to his sexuality was great. And yet I struggled.

It felt a little unfinished, that it could have been just slightly more tightly plotted. I think it possibly tried to cover too many issues and while that is admirable and Eileen Merriman can be trusted to handle issues sensitively and in ways that appeal to the teenage audience, this one slightly misses the mark.

Having said all this I will be pushing it at my students, some have already read it and enjoyed it, but for me I'll push the other two books just a tiny bit harder.

[Lynn · Rating 4 out of 5]

My first Eileen Merriman and what a great wee book. Loved the characters - Felix is so like peeps I know, and his love of numbers was enjoyable even for a Mathsphobic like me. Meeriman writes really well and although it didn't go anywhere new as regards plot, it was great to see a story set in NZ that felt contemporary and wasn't afraid of talking about the crap so many kids have to put up with. I think a number of my students will really enjoy this too.

[Ace · Rating 3 out of 5]

Marriage is for people who love each other, who cares what sex they are?

This is about two closeted teenage boys who live in NZ (yay!) and who meet and fall for each other.

The author, Eileen Merriman, has written two other books: Catch Me When You Fall which is set in Sumner, Christchurch (where I have been, the beaches are gorgeous). (Also, the sick-child-cured-by-love trope makes an appearance) I have not read her other book Pieces are You but I will soon-ish? I'm also not sure where it's set. Edit: It's set in Auckland. But this is set about half an hour from the capital, in a town that has never, and will never again be the setting of a book.

This book made me incredibly sad though.

But two guys can't hold hands in public, not unless we want to get beaten up.

Is this true? I would like to think that NZ is a pretty accepting place, and we're all pretty chill about queer people? (*she says super biased*) But that may not be the case for everyone here, as highlighted by Bailey in particularly point of view.

It's okay to be different if you're famous though, and I'm just a weirdo school kid.

•Felix: Is an OCD, closeted kid who's main worry is the fact that his parents are splitting up. He also pretends to date a girl who is also queer at a point, and she could've really added to the book, but nope, shes never seen again. He has a brother, and he or his friend outs him to the whole school, and it was horrible and the brother is never confronted? Which is absolutely sucky.

I don't need people; they're unstable, imperfect, and a pain in the ass

•Bailey: He has moved from Auckland to Lower Hutt cause of rising house costs (which is the truest thing I've ever seen). His dad is abusive, and an alcoholic, and would actually kill him if he got the chance, if he found out he was gay? (He might be bi, sorry and correct me if I'm wrong, or right!) he's the oldest of a lot of siblings, but the only one that actually stuck out was the oldest girl WHO FOUND OUT HE WAS GAY AND WAS ACCEPTING and generally just concerned for his safety. I love it.

Bailey's relationship with his Dad is unhealthy at bEST. His dad is an abusive jerk, and although I knew basically how it was going to end, it still made me unhappy. Those fears that he and his we going to be split up if he goes to the cops for litERALLY ALMOST BEING BEATEN TO DEATH. Well it made me frustrated.

Also there's a power imbalance between Felix and Bailey, and at times I thought Felix was just there to prolong the length of the novel.

So this is a fine book, though it was more of an abusive relationship, than "happy" LGBT+ relationship.

Trigger and Content Warnings: physical and emotional abuse, poverty, alcoholism, cheating, divorce, homophobic views and comments, outings

........................

RTC! Happy Pride Month!!

[Courtney (courtneyandherbooks) · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was amazing amazing amazing. Did I say AMAZING? It was set in my hometown (which is awesome because I could picture the setting so perfectly and even think I know which high school it would have been at). The relationship was so sweet and heartbreaking and terrifying all at once and I simply could not put the book down (I had to yesterday just so I could sleep). I really want to obtain Eileen's other books now.

[Sam (she_who_reads_) · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5⭐️
I have some conflicting feelings about this one, but I think if I had read this as a teenager I would have absolutely loved it.
What I liked-
-This is set in New Zealand!
-Bailey is a fantastic character, and I really connected to him.
-There is some beautiful writing to be found in this book.
What I didn’t like so much-
-I found it extremely difficult to figure out when this was set. Smart phones and social media exist, but so much of the dialogue and the kids interests was really dated.
-The adults in this are so uninvolved and make some horrifically poor decisions, especially where Bailey is concerned.
-There are a lot of loose ends, and a lot of storylines/sub plots that go nowhere.

[Carole · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have mixed feelings about this one. This novel ticks lots of boxes - set in NZ, 2 boys falling in love, the complexity of domestic violence, difference and identity in teens are all big pluses. Felix is fixated with numbers but I found him a difficult character to get to know. At times he seemed obsessive and almost unable to function but at other times he seemed totally in control of things, so he didn't quite ring true for me. Bailey felt like a better developed character and I found empathising with him much easier. The other characters are all more minor and not developed in as much detail. The story was a bit predictable but enjoyable and moving (there may have been a tear or two shed towards the end!). I didn't love this novel as much as other books by this author, but I think it is sure to be enjoyed by teen readers and definitely has a place in secondary school libraries.

[Rachael · Rating 5 out of 5]

This review appeared first in Kids Books NZ https://kidsbooksnz.blogspot.com/2019...

Holding My Breath While Falling In Love

Invisibly Breathing, by Eileen Merriman, tells the story of Felix Catalan and Bailey Hunter, two sharply drawn teenage boys, set apart by their unique personal challenges, navigating high school and dysfunctional family lives, while falling in love. Merriman explores themes of isolation, self-awareness, poverty, family violence and the tender joy of first love with a sure hand. Nothing preachy, just real, bitter-sweet life.

I think I had fallen for Felix by the bottom of the first page and all he was doing was obsessing over prime numbers. “If I were a five, I’d be shaped like a pentagon … there’d be magic in my walls, safety in my angles.” Whip-smart Felix likes order, routine, control but school is a daily endurance test where jerks call him “Freak-out Felix” behind his back – and sometimes to his face. His fragile equilibrium is undermined by disruptions at home as his parents tumble towards divorce and online when a bully humiliates him by posting a video of Felix drunk and stumbling at a party. He can’t fix his parents but he has the right mix of smarts and spite for a revenge take-down on social media.

Bailey is irresistible too. The loving older-brother who cares for his siblings while his parents suck-at-life. He has confidence, charm and a stutter which he manages by avoiding words beginning with the letter “B” – a particular challenge given his first name. He kicks ass in Judo and manages bullies with snappy wit and proves an excellent foil for Felix’s introspection and middle-class privilege. The boys try to keep their burgeoning relationship on the down-low but the threat of being exposed and judged by their peers is less of a concern than being found out by Bailey’s intimidating and unpredictable father. I felt like I was holding my breath every time the man stepped onto the page.

Merriman is a master at creating an authentic sense of voice, making Felix and Bailey compelling and engaging protagonists. I believed every word on every page and could not put the book down, devouring it in two days. I *achy groan* loved Invisibly Breathing.

[Vicki Antipodean Bookclub · Rating 4 out of 5]

🌟🌟🌟💫

“Amore nihil mollius, nihil violentius. Nothing is more tender, nothing is more violent than love.”

Felix feels as if he’s destined to be lonely for the rest of his life because he feels like a “changeling,” different to everyone else around him. Bailey struggles with a stutter and has an abusive home life. They meet when Bailey moves to Felix’s school and although their attraction is instant, their relationship blossoms more slowly. The author perfectly portrays that sense of falling in love for the first time; the hyper awareness of the other person in proximity to you, the barest touch that reaches every cell and every nerve in your body, the heart-clenching sweetness of a first kiss. She does this without condescension to her characters or her readers. Despite romance not being my go-to genre, my favourite aspect of this book, other than its New Zealand setting, was the central relationship between the two main characters. Invisibly Breathing is the author’s third novel and she’s a full-time haematologist 👀 I just want to know how she does it!?
Many thanks to @penguinbooksnz for my copy of Invisibly Breathing and for including me in the launch of the #goodreads group #TurningPagesNZ

[Linley · Rating 4 out of 5]

The story had me gripped and racing through my work so I would have time for more story. This is a poignant tale of hidden love, finding yourself, avoiding abuse, trust. Great book for teens and set in NZ (a bonus).

Highly recommended to teens from year 10 (14+) due to the sexual nature of some bits (not too graphic and very happy!).

[Aimee · Rating 4 out of 5]

Review to come.

[Mon · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received a copy of this book from the publisher Penguin Books NZ in exchange for an honest review

Another stunning book by Eileen Merriman.

I do plan on putting together a full review but I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed this gem of a book and Invisibly Breathing took me by surprise.

Merriman has such a phenomenal writing style and develops her characters with such care that you can't help but be taken by Bailey and Felix. These two are sah cute and I really enjoyed watching them grow as a couple and as their own people. The more heavy and emotional topics were touched sensitively and you can't help but be wrapped up in this book that is full of heart.

[Sarah ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡ · Rating 3 out of 5]

Invisibly breathing 
Eileen Merriman

enjoyment - 4
Characters - 4
Plot - 3
Pacing - 4
Writing quality - 5
Final rating: 4

WHAT I LIKED
-Bailey & Felix
-How the abuse is dealt with realistically and treated. 
-The positive ending

WHAT I WAS MEH ABOUT
-The other characters were a bit 2D
-The plot was nothing new or fresh

[sylvie]

i remember reading this in year 10 and it being the dumbest thing ever

[Joanna · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was given the book by Penguin for #TURNINGPAGESNZ ! Thanks Penguin! Xxx

As someone who usually reads exclusively fantasy and sci fi, I was pleasantly suprised by how much I enjoyed this book.

Some of the references felt a little bit out of place in a current day setting, yet the characters used smartphones and facebook? (felt more like early 2000's, aka my childhood...)

Things I liked:
Bailey and Felix's relationship
Bailey in general
LGBT+ characters (who aren't just in the story for 5 minutes?!)
Casual dialogue
Familiarity of New Zealand setting

Things I didn't like:
Bailey's dad.
Adults who do not protect the children in their care!


Think I might start reading more contemporary books!

[Trisha · Rating 4 out of 5]

Tough life for both boys, but together they find their ways.

Gritty, realistic read.

[Josh · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just finished re-reading this book after so long (and at some ungodly hour of the morning again). The main characters are so gorgeous and wholesome. Also, Thankfully I didn't cry this time. The story is so engaging and captivates your attention through-out the entire novel.

To really give praise to this book is to admit that this is one of my favourite books, in fact, it might just be my favourite and reading it makes me want more time with the main characters.

[tal · Rating 4 out of 5]

INVISIBLEY BREATHING is a story about two boys who connect themselves in a way that most wouldn't understand. It's a moving story about unconventional love, the effects of bullying and being true to yourself no matter how others think of you. It's a story that is best for the young generation, as it teaches us about those themes as well as the intense, moving pace of the story of Felix and Bailey.

As a person who usually doesn't read books that are set in the same place that I am from, this book was a huge success, and I found myself in love with it. I found myself getting into the book and enjoying the pace that it was set at. The characters were loveable, and I could actually understand what their motive was, or who they were supposed to be. It was also set in a timeline that made sense to the story, and it seemed like a decent modern love story for the ages. Although, there would be one error that I would think of this story, and that this felt unfinished. It didn't feel like it answered every question that I had and only answered a few. Despite all of that, the character development was interesting, and the characters were well-written. This has to be my favourite book that is written by Eileen Merriman.

The story begins with the book introducing our first character, Felix. We can see that he wants to be who he wants to be and embrace his true self. Sadly, he cannot express his identity as he faces bullying. Then, there is a new kid named Bailey, who has a stutter. The two boys find themselves interested in each other, wanting to know more about each other. Felix then finds out that Bailey faces abuse from his father after Bailey runs away from home. Before they could reconnect their relationship, his father tries to attempt to kill Bailey, and then he survives. The story ends with Bailey and Felix writing letters to each other as Bailey is recovering in the hospital.

This story would be interesting to those who are into LGBTQ+ themes, characters who become their true selves, themes dealing with identity and how society deals with homophobia and physical abuse.

[mel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you to Penguin Books NZ for the free copy of this book.

TW: homophobia, domestic abuse & violence

Review:

4.5 ⭐️
I’ll start off with the bad and move onto the good.

My most important nitpick is that the book uses the word r*t*rd, which is an ableist slur and therefore offensive, thus it should not be used in a book in this manner. This rubbed me the wrong way and knocked down the rating for me.

I felt that the romance was a little rushed at the start but that may be because I am more accustomed and partial toward slow burn romances.

Now onto the positives: apart from these two issues I actually really loved this book! Bailey and Felix have such a cute relationship, despite the rushed beginning to their relationship they really do grow. They grow not only as a couple but as individuals too. Both of them begin to accept who they are more towards the end as seen with Felix’s piercing and when both of them come out to their parents.

The domestic abuse and homophobia was dealt with properly in my opinion. I am not a victim of domestic abuse and am not part of the LGBT+ community so I don’t have much of a say in these matters, but it seemed well researched and realistic to me.

The story itself really sucked me in, I slowly but surely fell in love with all of the characters and the relationship between Felix and Bailey. I think the book brought up many important issues and was executed brilliantly. I’m definitely going to check out Merriman’s other novels as soon as I can.

[Emma · Rating 4 out of 5]

Invisibly Breathing... where do I start? I love Eileen Merriman, I have read two of her previous books (Catch me when you fall and Pieces of You) and I definitely plan to read more. I love the writing in this book, I had butterfly's every time Felix and Bailey were close to one another, which really, is a reflection of great writing. I also really loved Felix and Bailey as characters, Felix's passion for mathematics and Bailey's success in judo classes made me love them more as characters. I especially loved Bailey's character, I feel he was very well written and was always a joy to read.

Once I picked up this book, I did not put it down until the very last page was read. In other words, I read this all in one sitting. The only real negative I have about this is that I felt there was a few storylines that were left unfinished - such as Lucy?, and what happened to bailey's other siblings? Aside from that, I loved that it was set in New Zealand. I am from NZ so I think it being set in wellington made the story feel more real for me as I have been to some of the places listed. I felt the ending of the story was amazing, I cried when I read felix's letter to bailey, I was confused at first and thought he had died but thankfully, Bailey pulled through. The tears were definitely relief and sadness brought on all at once.

Overall, another great book by Eileen Merriman, I would definitely recommend it to a teenage audience :)

[Shardae · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Nothing is more tender, nothing is more violent than love"

I thoroughly enjoyed this novel by Eileen Merriman. The issues tackled were well executed in my opinion and it can be hard to include things such as homophobia and domestic abuse in a proper way inside a novel.

I can say that I'm very glad that Merriman didn't take the "fake-girlfriend-to-cover-up-that-you're-homosexual" route. I don't know why I was glad, I just was. Maybe because it would have been a bit cliche and very against what the characters believe in.

Speaking of the characters, Bailey and Felix were portrayed amazingly. They had so much depth to them and I loved their little quirks - Felix's love for numbers is not something you read or see every day. Bailey having a bit of a stutter also gave him a sort of quirk in a way. However, the other characters were very 2D. I feel like characters such as Bindi and Coke could have been explored further.

I'm very happy that this book had a happy ending because I don't think I could have handled a sad one. Definitely a great read!

Ps. I very much enjoyed how the anagram of Felix Catalan is 'facial n latex'. Thank you for that giggle Merriman.

[Lauren · Rating 4 out of 5]

*actual rating 4.5.

I. Loved. This.

I had been on a reading block for a while and couldn’t really find any that captured my attention so much that I could actually finish the book in one sitting.

This story about love, family and growing up was amazing. Bailey and Felix seemed like such a perfect match, and how they interacted together was amazing. The way that the plot moved, and the whole situation with Bailey’s family just added another layer to the story that I wasn’t expecting, but still loved.

When I was looking at some of the other reviews, I was shocked to see that only 12 people had written reviews, and only 23 had rated it. It was only released this year; which I really wish I knew about before so that I could get all hyped and excited about its release.

Something else that I loved about Invisibly Breathing was the music references. With Green Day, Red Hot Chilli Peppers and Panic! At The Disco references, which did make me squeal, it was just that extra little thing that I just loved. Somebody really needs to make a playlist for this book.

Overall, there was a fair bit of violence, and a major event towards the end that could be too much for some people, but was talked about in a respectable tone. It has really become one of my favourite books.

[Piper Mejia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Invisibly Breathing by Eileen Merriman

Each generation grows up in a world that has changed since their parents were their age. When we are children we make a promise that we will be better parents than our own, a promise we forget as easily as we forget what it was like to be young. In this ‘coming of age’ novel, Eileen Merriman explores how much things have changed (what we will accept) and yet how much has stayed the same (people can be so cruel).

Invisibly Breathing is written from the point of view of a young boy, Felix, at a moment in time when figuring himself out includes figuring out love. For Felix, school and family mean dealing with the ripple effect of bullying and dangerous secrets before someone gets hurt.

Eileen Merriman has a whimsical style of writing, her characters are both quirky and familiar individuals; a snapshot of the youth of today’s society. This is a novel that will appeal to readers who enjoy the realism that a good ending doesn’t have to be happily ever after.

[Niamh]

6.4.2022
Invisibly Breathing
Eileen Merriman
Young Adult Fiction
An interesting quote that I found was: “Amore nihil mollius, nihil violentius. Nothing is more tender, nothing is more violent than love.” This is similar to another Latin phrase of, ‘Amor et melle et felle est fecundissimus’ meaning ‘Love is rich with both honey and venom’ . I find this fact interesting as it is an oxymoron and shows that love and pain are two sides of the same coin. Like all emotions and relationships, love is not linear. This can be used to represent stereotypes and expectations of love as it is not simple. It’s a lot like social media in some aspects. You see all of everyone’s ‘highlights’ and think they are perfect but truly they are perfection imperfection like everyone else. But it creates these expectations for all sorts of things including love, which in turn, creates the expectation that those ‘different’ should hide or ‘conceal’ that part of themselves like Felix and Bailey had to hide their relationship in fear of rejection.

[Lily · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I sat down to read this book I didn’t know what to expect, she was an author I had never hard before and I hadn’t read a book like this for a while.

It didn’t take me long to get into the book and I found myself falling in love with both both Felix and Bailey, quirks and all. I loved Felix’s need to count all the time, except when he was thinking about Bailey and how he came up with the anagram for Baileys name. I loved Bailey’s passion for judo and how even though he had a pretty bad life he still looked to the positive side of things. I also loved their relationship!

While I sat reading it in during an English period I found myself wanting to throw the book across the room. It was making me frustrated, mad, happy, sad and even confused in a very short amount of chapters. One part I almost threw it across the room was when Zero told the world about Felix and Bailey’s relationship, this mad me very mad because who’s business is it anyway? Another part that made me want to throw the book across the room was when Bailey told his Dad and his Dad proceeded to smash the life about of the him.

It was definitely a book I would recommend everyone to read. It faces physical abuse, mental illness, and so many other things. I loved every page. After I finished reading this I went straight to the library to see if we had any of her other books, we did!

[Krissy B · Rating 5 out of 5]

For the reasons that others gave this a 3 or a 4, I absolutely give it a 5. Read in one day.

The two boys (Felix and Bailey) have very real character quirks. Their internal monologues and personalities feel not as fleshed out as they could have been, but not in a way that detracts from the book - after all, too many epithets that add nothing would have taken a star away.

Plus very real scenarios that myself and others have been through. From coming to terms with sexuality, divorce, familial abuse, poverty, not fitting in with peers. I appreciated the very kiwi tone of voice.

The ending wrenched my heart so hard. I'll be thinking about this book for a while.

[Emma Billingham]

Finding a book from my own country about a queer love story between two boys with disabilities? wtf! As a kiwi I'm always happy to recognize my own world in books, so that's always neat. I appreciate both main characters, they were both imperfect in ways that made me appreciate them more. Another thing I adored was the fact that Bailey's stutter. I have a speech impediment of my own and the way he handpicked words without certain letters to hide it was very relatable. The end of course gave me a heart attack, but i couldn't put this book down for a reason.

[Jesika · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I tell you that I cried during this, I was not kidding. It’s just so unique and special the quote “So why does everyone want to hurt us.” made me cry out along with just about any other line in the book. This was so amazing and every chapter, every page left me breathless, one minute I was squealing band gripped my blanket with happiness the next I was yelling and cursing at one of the characters moronic choice. All in all one of the best books ever.

[Lisa Blackross · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great writing, this book had me reading all hours of the night - "just another page to see what happened". We need more books from a male/male or female/female perspective - love is love and all relationships should be recognised and accepted. Great to read something that is based in New Zealand too. Thank you Eileen Merriman, your books are wonderful and I can't wait to read more of them.

[Draco · Rating 3 out of 5]

Currently reading, 3 stars so far.

I want to read and finish this book, but everytime I open it, I read the names and then remember why I keep putting it down. I just can't with them.
So far, there's someone named Dog, a girl called Krusty (after Krusty the clown), Zero, and then Coke is also a frequent character.
Just.
Why?

[Nod Ghosh · Rating 5 out of 5]

Why wasn't there a book like this around when I was a teenager?

Felix Catalan lives in a world of numbers. He is shy, with few friends.
When Bailey Hunter arrives, the infinitude of spaces between numbers open up for Felix, and nothing is ever the same again.