A Woman Like That: Lesbian And Bisexual Writers Tell Their Coming Out Stories

by Joan Larkin (Editor)

The act of "coming out" has the power to transform every aspect of a woman's life: family, friendships, career, sexuality, spirituality. An essential element of self-realization, it is the unabashed acceptance of one's "outlaw" standing in a predominantly heterosexual world.

These accounts -- sometimes heart-wrenching, often exhilarating -- encompass a wide breadth of backgrounds and experiences. From a teenager institutionalized for her passion for women to the mother who must come out to her young sons at the risk of losing them -- from the cautious academic to the raucous liberated femme -- each woman represented here tells of forging a unique path toward the difficult but emancipating recognition of herself. Extending from the 1940s to the present day, these intensely personal stories in turn reflect a unique history of the changing social mores that affected each woman's ability to determine the shape of her own life. Together they form an ornate tapestry of lesbian and bisexual experience in the United States over the past half-century.

This song is dedicated to the one I love / Bertha Harris --
Widows / Judy Grahn --
Mad for her / Jill Johnston --
First love / Karla Jay --
Novelties / Joan Nestle --
The secret agent / Jane DeLynn --
My debut / Blanche McCrary Boyd --
Red light, green light / Beatrix Gates --
A vision / Rebecca Brown --
Richard Nixon and me / Heather Lewis --
Cherry picker / Chrystos --
Born queer / Judith Katz --
What comes first / Holly Hughes --
House of corals / Cheryl Boyce Taylor --
Bride of Christ / Mary Beth Caschetta --
The coming out of a gay pride child / Elizabeth Lorde-Rollins --
Easter Weekend / Minnie Bruce Pratt --
Pot luck / Cynthia Bond --
A letter to some lesbians who've been out for a long time / Mariana Romo-Carmona --
Waking up / Jacquie Bishop --
Banditos / Eileen Myles --
Coming out--
or going more deeply in? / Margaret Randall --
Sequins in the mud : a cover girl comes out! / Karin Cook --
Mind and body / Wendy W. Fairey --
Always coming / Letta Neely --
This girl is different / Tristam Taormino --
Picture this / Cecilia Tan --
Layers of the onion, spokes of the wheel / Pat Calafia --
Freedom rings / Kanani Kauka --
Together alone / Eva Kollisch --
Diary of a mad lesbian / Lesléa Newman.

Genres: LGBT, Nonfiction, Queer, Lesbian, Memoir, Feminism, Sexuality

326 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1999

Reviews

[Lauren · Rating 1 out of 5]

A Woman Like That is quite depressing. There are, admittedly, a few gems scattered throughout — stories that pierce the heart with a sense of recognition and a feeling of community with the writer, and exhilaration or empathy (sometimes both) for her trials — but too often there is a dull, relentless pain that permeates the tales of this anthology. Maybe this is the editor’s intention. Maybe, in efforts to exhibit the “full scope” of lesbian experiences, that continuous pain is welcomed, and the moments of joy meant only to offer short respite, akin to forgetting one’s troubles in a dance or lending one’s attention to an always-fleeting thing, as trivial or as beautiful as it may be. “What remains is the pain” is the overall message that these stories send me, whether it is the writers’ and editor’s intention or not.

I’d hoped that this wouldn’t be all. I’d hoped that conviction of a better future for the likes of us — women who love women — would spin itself through the work, or otherwise arc forward, fast and hard through the most poignant entries. An arc whose desperation and aim I could find solace and company in, and whose two ends I could recognize as moments in our history that will always exist within me: pain, and the hope that implores, inspires us not only to overcome, but to thrive. To march. To bathe in the sea with smiles like the iridescent insides of so many shells, flashed for the whole world to see.

I can’t help but wonder if the frustration I feel with these stories is best ascribed to the generational experience of the women whose stories are featured (all come of age before the 21st century, and most during the 1960s-80s), or to the nature of these stories as coming out stories. As many of us know, coming out is an “event” that can often occur amidst intense rawness of emotion that easily becomes tainted by heteronormative social hostility. This hostility is exceptionally heartbreaking, for this emotion ought to be driven, unabashedly, by the electrifying pleasure of the discovery of self and other. I argue (perhaps unnecessarily, for this is quite obvious) that the confinement, mistreatment, and shame surrounding questions of queerness in the past created a social environment in which millions of LGBTQ people were shunned and silenced, and that those who refused to hide lived a life that was constantly shadowed by a particular solemnity that I will never encounter.

The visibility afforded to queer people in some parts of the United States today, whilst heightening tensions among pro- and anti-equality activists, is a gift for which generations of people before me have suffered. Perhaps such solemnity would not propel these writers’ works had they not expressly discussed “coming out” in their respective eras, within the limits of their individual lots.

The pain these women articulate, however beautifully, rests uneasily within me. It encourages a feeling of disconnected melancholy that is crucially important to remember and indeed, to eulogize. However, I must not allow myself to adopt that state of disconnect, and I must not separate these writers’ generational experiences of coming out from the current uproarious social and political climate regarding LGBTQ issues. Their suffering and their victories must serve to inform my actions now—including my decision to fight for equality, and my decision to be happy — both before and after we achieve that equality.

I hope that before I finish this anthology, I encounter one or two more pieces that give me that sense of struggle accepted and daringly hopeful dreams pursued. Perhaps this work is not the selection for the idealist, but I remain grateful for coming across it and having the chance to gain narrative-based historical context from these women’s stories. If nothing else, this book reaffirms every idyllic hope and resolve for action that dwells within me, for the future of the gay community, and for the future of the world that we must treasure whilst we can.

[M · Rating 4 out of 5]

It took me a very long time to read this book. While it was beautiful and full of so many amazing writers, I just couldn't stand slogging through so many horrible and heart-wrenching stories and having to think about what that means in a book about coming out. I know that that's the reality, and it helped me recognize my privilege in being a part of this generation and feeling so comfortable in my identities, but man was it hard to read. I finally finished the last few stories in one big gulp, and there are definitely some that are happier, there are even sweet moments in the tough ones, but as a queer woman, it was just so hard to read. I received this book as a gift from a boyfriend, and it meant so much to me that he would do that, I was so excited to read about other women like me. And there was just so much sexual abuse and rape, rejection and isolation, fear and disgust and hatred. It's real and it's personal and it's necessary, I'm glad this book exists and that these writers shared their stories, but it was definitely not the uplifting comfort and solidarity I was hoping for.

That said, I thought the book was awesome with its inclusivity of authors of many different backgrounds. I need to be better about looking in the back of anthologies for bios on the authors before I read their essays, because I definitely think it would impact my reading and I always seem to forget. The picture at the end of each essay was also a nice, personal touch.

[Samantha Lif · Rating 5 out of 5]

“The worst tragedy in the world is when two people who love each other oh so much just can’t make it work.”

To all the brave women out there who shared their stories in this book you’ve made a young queer woman love herself and her sexuality even more. You’ve shown her she is not alone in the past, present or future. Thank you.

This book was a masterpiece, heartbreaking stories but I’ve connected to every author. It’s hard to find media where queer women can relate to, and this book was beautifully made where I can listen and understand stories of my people in the past and how they fought and how they’re just like me.

I have nothing else to say, except this book will stay with me forever.

[Zoë Chatterton · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book took me a long time to get through. While there were some gems sprinkled throughout, the overall text was bleak and sometimes downright boring. Maybe this is the context of the time period it was written in, and a good reminder of my privilege, but it was not an easy read.

[Bill · Rating 5 out of 5]

A terrific collection of coming out stories. I loved this book so much. It really moved me!

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

Touching. Some of the entries were really emotional and difficult to read. I enjoyed learning about the communities in the past.

[Leah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Real, raw, and powerful stories.
These stories shocked me at times, and made me feel seen

[Dr. Iman ALGHAFARI · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book includes an interesting collection of 'coming out' stories by many lesbian and bisexual female writers. It sheds light on the lives of lesbians in different areas and eras.

[Darlene · Rating 2 out of 5]

Disappointing. That is the best adjective I can find to describe this book. I felt like I was reading a textbook, expected to highlight and take notes but didn't know what the test would be about. The first half of the book lacked personality. All the stories read the same. No passion for life; just dull. I don't know if the editor over edited, or if these women knew each other and had no defining style, but it was BORING!

The second half of the book seemed to lack that same editing flair. In fact, there were places I felt the editor had just given up. But the stories started having more personality. It seemed a human was actually trying to communicate with another human. It still had dull moments but it felt more personal.

Near the end of the book that I discovered the short biographies of the contributors. These read like the beginning stories. But now I felt badly as each had so many accomplishments, all writers and even teachers of writing. If this book is an example of how they teach I know I would be the first running out the door. Even still I think each biography should have been at the beginning of each story to make it more personal.

Maybe others will enjoy this. Maybe it came to me when I wasn't in a space to receive its offerings. If so, I apologize. I look forward to hearing other people's opinions.

[Hectaizani · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is hard to review, the stories are personal revelations by the authors, however they weren't particularly interesting. While I sympathize with the difficulty many of the writers had with coming-out, I can't put myself into their place so I think that is where the disconnect lies. I imagine this is probably on my bookshelf because of the story by Elizabeth Lorde-Rollins. I went to high school with her brother and remember him as one of the first boys I ever kissed.

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although these stories were incredibly personal, I found myself unable to relate to several of them and even lost interest in a few as I wondered where the author was going with their story. However, it was an overall good read. The proof, I suppose, is evident from my markings throughout the book and my interest in the authors works beyond their contribution to this literary work.

[Meckell · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read this book years ago. I absolutely agree that some of the stories were difficult to follow and hard to finish, however, there were a few gems that made it worth it. Pat Califia has such a way with words... "coming out begins when we recognize, in a stigmatized Other, something of ourselves" *swoon*

[nicole · Rating 5 out of 5]

great book-read it years ago.

[Carrie]

glbt studies

[Allison Thurman]

Library

[Ludmirska · Rating 5 out of 5]

loved it

[Asher · Rating 4 out of 5]

Always reading to find myself. Maybe to figure out who I am. Each story was inspiring in its own way. I enjoyed getting a glimpse into queer life of earlier years.

[Kim Green · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a newly out lesbian in the mid '90s, I loved this anthology of personal stories. It helped me understand myself and understand what that would mean in my life.

[Dide · Rating 5 out of 5]

it took me awhile to finish this book. I kept bookmarking it just so I can ensure I don't rush it for I realised especially as I got 40% into the book that these were life experiences and though dated symbolizes the life today regardless of how we assume our world has evolved.

I must say the book was shocker and yet I admired the candidness, it was confusing and still comprehensible. Some stories however were enjoyed more than others mainly because they spoke or where understood more to and by me. Stories like:

Red light, Green light by Beatrix Gates
What comes first by Holly Hughes
Bride of Christmas by Mary Beth Caschetta
Easter weekend by Minnie Bruce Pratt
A letter to lesbians who've been out for a long time by Mariana Romo Carmona
Coming out or going more deeply in? by Margaret Randall
Sequins in the mud: a cover girl comes out by Karin cook
Layers of the onion, spokes of the wheel by Pat Califia
Together Alone by Eva Kollisch
Diary of the Mad lesbian by Leslea Newman